hide and seek

i watched something today and on it these two kids were playing hide and seek. it is a strange game to me but one that fits my day well.

i woke at 2 again. i fell back to sleep an woke up at six, or i should say i was woken by Cady standing right in front of me with her head on my bed panting in my face. i looked at my clock and it was 6. so i got up thinking cady wanted out, so i walked out of my room and into the kitchen. i did not understand why cady was not in with ash who was sitting at the table. i guess she was trying to tell me that i needed to get up and keep her master company. much company i was. ash got ready and left for work.
i came and watched some more dbz and then after stephen had showered i showered. the water stayed hot for about 3 minutes, but it was comfortable the whole shower.
i ate before i showered. before i do anything other than walk around the house i have to eat. if i do not i get weak and i cannot do anything. i usually eat breakfast. today it just made my day seem much better.
i was going to sit in my room for part of the day and do stuff but after stephen told me he could work his magic with my phone i decided to move to the dinning room for the day. it turned out that if he were to work his magic with my phone that my phone would break.
for about an hour or so things got tense. the whole time i was apathetic. which was what seemed to be the topic of the day.
i sat there and went thro my green tote thing, that is like my memory/treasure chest. i found a lot of stuff. i guess i learned some about who i used to be and with some talking and sharing things i remembered a few nonimportant things. there was this picture of me in middle school and , tho i thought it was stephen, jess said that i looked 7. and tho i still think it was stephen who said it, he told me it was not him that he thought i looked 4. so i showed him a pic of me when i was either 2-4 years of agei found a lot of pics of me in rotc. - i was in rotc for 4 years, i was on staff for 2, i was on a bunch of drill teams for 3, and i took it to avoid taking gym. - i also found a bunch of stuff from my senior year. i found some devos tht were printed off, which in turn led me to the blog i had created for them. i read thro the first one not knowing yet that i had wrote them, and i thought whoever wrote those had brains, and was very deep thinker. then i saw that they were written by baf inator, which is me, and i laughed. that may have been who i was but i am nothing like that now. i found a bunch of cards, a saved newspaper article of me from when i lived in the noyes home. - the noyes home is a home for children.i was there for almost year. i spent my senior year there. i do not remember much but what i have an am telling you is what i do remember. i left the home because something happened in teh home that should not have. - while in teh home i was interviewed and my photo and stuff made front page.

i made myself some eggs and toast for dinner....the eggs did not turn out good. i had asked stephen earlier if i could borrow some movies to watch, so i picked out a few. i wanted action/suspense, and wanted is that type of movie, but i feel weird watching it with others in the same building as me. i just do not know how people will react with it. so i watched crash. i need to rewatch it to try an get it fully. but it was pretty good.
now i am watching dragonball z again.

i keep thinking that i should be worried or stressed about things, but i am not. and it is nice. usu i am. and i mean, i have things to be stressed and worried over. today i have been apathetic about things. and it is kinda nice. i feel like i am free of a load.

tomorrow has no plans. i have been thinking about rearranging my room, and cleaning it up. i realized that i could shut the vent some, tho it was something i knew but ya, and now it is a bit better in here. shortie and mcguire may come hang out with me in the evening for a bit. and then sunday i am leaving at 715 to go to church with shortie. she warned me that it may take a lot out of me, and i said well then i might just have to take a nap in the middle of the whole thing. lol. i am going to be her shadow. i am getting better with being around people i do not know, but i still like to have someone i do know around, even if it is that that person is in the other room. it is security.

but i am tired, as i have been most of the day. i am going to go to sleep and dream of fairies and butterflies, and monsters and bad guys. somethings have been hidden from me like who i used to be, and i have been trying to seek them out. today i got a step closer to winning the game.

Cartoons

The last few mornings I have been waking up with my stomach killing me. I know part of it is hunger but though I am hungry I feel that if I try to eat anything it will only make things worse.

I went to bed after watching glee. I had decided Cady needed more water since she was almost out. I thought I better do it now because I will go to bed and forget about it . I had the 5 gallon thing in the sink filling up and Jess walks in and sees this and says,  you know you are not lifting that right?! It had crossed my mind but I had figured fill it half way and I might be able to.  Well Cady  got a full thing of water.
I went in my room and went to sleep.  I heard movement outside my door.  I started to jump out of bed. ....I thought I had slept through my alarm.  I was half way up and I grabbed my phone only to find it was 130 in the am. I layed back down and went back to bed.
I had weird dreams again.  One was I was with a guy I knew.. .we were friends living together.. .and we had company.  We were renting the house trailer like place.  I would randomly say stuff like sentences.  The people visiting would glare at me and I would apologize. It was a horrible thing if I tried speaking.  The people were leaving and I was so relieved.. ..and then my friend told them that we were buying the house. They were so happy and I was confused as to why. 
I had adjust dream where the were evil men or creatures chasing me. 

I woke up and went and set in the chair in the kitchen after I looked out and saw the snow. I had slept well.  It was chilly.  I am sure there is a draft in these windows. ...but I will fix that.
I spent the first part of my morning with Ash.  She went outside and came back to hand me stuff.. ..I do not know why but for some reason I thought she was trying to hand me her gloves along with other things.
I spent most my day on the love seat watching dragonball z and in the kitchen trying to get the dishes all cleaned before Ash got home. I was also going to make tea. I failed. I kept running out of hot water.. .and I am slow.
I am slow at almost everything. Eating, dishes, moving, thinking, breathing.. ..I take forever.. .though I usually do take my time.  Which means that often I suck at getting the things I want to get done in the day done .
So today I feel I failed.

I did not have a word of the day today.. .though the only word I have gotten on the day given was yes. Stephen told me to say lame ....which I can. I suck at this whole talking thing.. ..I seem to whisper more than talk. I guess it still scares me when I do say something. Also all the dreams where I start to talk and then get yelled at or glared at is not helping me. I am not confident in this talking thing. I would love to wake up one day and just be able to talk. that would be nice.

I talked with Tiffany strother for a bit. She asked me if I remembered school and I told her I did not. She told me about how her and I used to hang out and I asked her if I was a fun person to hang out with.. ..she told me I was silly and really quiet but we balanced out our friendship because she was loud. I told her well I guess I have not changed much since I am still really quiet. Lol. 

Today has been a good day.my legs have been bugging the crap out of me. There were times I just thought I was not going to be able to walk for the rest of the day. But I dealt with it and walked any ways.

My memory was improving but lately I have been forgetting a lot of stuff. ..it is insane.

I am sure I turned red so many times today from embarrassment when I forgot stuff. ...whether others noticed or not I could feel my face turning red.. ..I do hope that is the right color. It was not only embarrassment but shame,  I felt so bad especially at the dinner table.

I got a load of laundry done.. .so now tomorrow I can take a shower.. ...I need to buy another towel.. ..lol. ....I need a shower....I stink .

I think I an going to let some one else wash that big knife when it needs to be washed.. ..I tried cutting my finger off with it. Thankfully it only gave me a cut like that of a paper cut.
And I must hate walking or my came is sick and tired of me.. .it keeps falling on my feet.. boo

Speaking of my cane. ..lately I have been getting brave. I am walking to and from places that only require a few steps without my can.  I am sure my balance is improving to. It scares me but I am doing it.

And finally the point of the blog post title. ..I was sitting on the love seat watching dragonball z and Jess was talking with Stephen.. .I had got up give Stephen my phone and Jess says,  I am sorry I will try not to be so loud ago you can watch your cartoon.. ....... 0_o. ....!
anime is yes cartoon like but this show is no cartoon.....it is life.. ..it is hope.. ..it is amazing! And even more so I can fully relate to it .

I am weird and I do not care.. ..get used to it!

winter

it is offically here. i have been looking at all sort of radars and future outlooks, because i am a weather geek, and a lot of the coming next few weeks calls for snow and ice and coldness. and this kinda sucks, because the weather has been so nice and beautimus. st jo is being hit with snow right now and it is causing all sorts of problems. this storm stretches from middle of kansas to mid missouri. i have been watching it all night.

winter is here. which means snow, ice, sleet, ice, coldness, ice, and did i mention ice?! which also means.....i am glad i got out today and went places, because if it is going to be slick outside i will not be going many places. mainly because i do not want to slip and fall, and then end up in the hospital....again. and that would cause stress for my friends, and me, and it would be a mess...and cady would be sad because she would have no one to cuddle with at night....sadness! lol.

winter is here which means extreme cold is here which means pain will ravage thro my body and thro a lot of others bodys too.

o the joys of winter. one thing i am looking forward to, is maybe building a snowman. i have seen them on cartoons a movies and i want to build one. i think i have built one before but i do not remember. and maybe sledding?? i have never been sledding before. ok i am not sure of that, but i know i want to try it.
too bad winter was not here for christmas, it would have perfected things i think.
i am not going to complain. i love watching the snow fall. it has not really snowed, and i have not really seen much of it..but i bet at night it is really pretty. i would like to sit out on the porch one night for a bit, when the wind is not blowing like tonight, and just watch it snow for a bit.

today was a bit rough for me. i do not know why, but lately i have been more exhausted than usual..and i have not been sleeping well. i mean i sleep, but with my dreams, it is like i get no sleep at all. and this has made me cranky. which makes me a jerk. which makes everyone hate me. true story. no joke. in fact last night we had this conversation at santa fe. shortie, matt, and i did. and because i am tired and cranky and a jerk it means i let things get to me. so i spent most the morning beating myself up over a few things. i even facebooked my dad about something that was bugging the crap out of me...and it is official, i am a jerk!

i woke up this morning to ash walking around. my alarm had not gone off. i looked at my phone, it was not even on! i do not remember turning it off. i felt bad. i texted her and she basically told me to stay in bed. so i did. cady joined me but for some reason she was all wet so i made her get down. she spent most the morning on my floor.
i read my text messages and one was bambam had commented on my blog post from yesterday....saying my word for the day was nice. i did not realize that the word had nothing to do with the blog post. i just assumed that she was telling me i was being a jerk and needed to be nice....and then she corrected me and well i am still a jerk. it was funny.
stephen an ash have been painting the bathroom. it looks nice now that it is done. having a white door tho is something that i need to get used to. i do not think stephen likes the wood. i am sure he is trying to convince me to paint this room. lol. well i helped put a thing on the roller for the paint, and we were getting ready to go out and he was just standing there holding it, trying to figure out what to do. i took off my ring and walked over to him and grabbed hold of the roller thing, it was drenched in paint, and pulled it off. my hand was white. i had never been that white before, close to it, but not quite there. he was like now your hand is white...i was thinking the whole time, lord of the rings....which then would have made me a bad guy, again, a jerk. i helped him finish the door frame. ash got home and he went to take the tape off the door frame and it took the paint with it.
evening came, and i was not sure if they went to bed or not, so i was going to fix some spaghetti and then i realized that there were not enough noodles for 3 people..and then, i have no clue what i ate, but my stomach will tell me it is hungry one minute an the next, it will tell me it hates me. i think i need to start eating more chicken, or stuff with fats, for my brain. random yes, but it sorta fits here.
they came out of their room right after i finished washing most the dishes.....and i was kinda irritated with myself because i had set the silverware in the sink to wash it and forgot all about it. so i was going to wait a bit and wash it. it is still there, which means i can do it as i watch the snow fall. lol.
they started putting the door back on and stephen had the hardest time figuring it out. ah the stuff around here....there is hardly ever a dull moment.
jess got back from church and we went and got food. we stepped out the door and that wind is blowing. i checked st jo current stuff and it is 23 there but it feels like it is 5...and that is what is headed our way. that is almost a 20 degree difference and if it is that way in the morning you can bet there will be no school.
we got back and sat at the table....man that was some funny stuff.

there was a moment where my heart sunk. i showed ash what my brother had said and last week he had sent me a text saying something and in it he put mom. and then i sorta caught the look that ash and stephen gave one another and i felt even worse. i know i have explained it before. so i am doing it again. when my mom left us when i was 5-6 my aunt stepped in and we started calling her mom. i stopped doing that esp after my mom had died, but my sibs still do it. and it is an occasional thing that i do it too. it just made me feel bad and sad at the same time. i felt like crying. i felt horrible.

but i did not an am not. tho thinking about it i still feel horrible. it is something that you never get over. and if you have never lost a parent, than you will not understand. and if you had never had someone fill in as a parent then you will not understand for a second time.

i had a good long talk with jasi today. and i talked with nicki for a bit. they were both good. i needed a good long talk, well it was semi long. i think i pissed her off. boo on me....it is a part of my job duites as a jerk.

i worked on nice all day. even good. not aroudn people. for some reason sometimes when i try to say something it will only come ot as a whisper and it is hard to get voice into it. after a while i just started saying hi to cady over an over an over again. she was happy about it. tho she prob had no idea what i was saying. i have failed at every word bambam has given me. i am a failure. lol. but i do try. it is just hard to try around others.

i am off to bed. going to watch gohan kick some cell ass and then going to get under my warm covers. it is cold in here. i am sure there is a draft. and it is sad for me to say it is cold in here when most nights i leave my door open and my fan on 3 and i am still smuthering. and i do not mind, because i figure everyone else in the house has huge rooms so they do not get as warm as mine, so if it bugs me too much i can just go sleep on the couch. i think i am allowed to do taht. lol.
ok. bed. i have a ton of dishes to do in the am. and i made sure my alarm was set so i can get up and have breakfast or sit with ash. and i have laundry to do.

after a long hard struggle with myself today was contentful. and exhausting! i am hoping when i wake up there will be snow on the ground, i know peter will be happy about that!

boredom

yesterday morning i got up with ash and ate breakfast with her. i then went back to sleep for a bit, i think, i do not really remember. i know tho that stephen text me and asked me if i wanted to start on working on pt an other stuff an i said sure. .... well taht did not happen. the day started good and then it went to bad, but i made a choice that i was not going to let it affect my attitude. i will not go into details about anything because it is not my business to tell but things around here have been rocky.
well then that morning i thought it would be a good idea to use facebook as a tool to help a friend stop smoking. i was assuming their roll and instead of helping it made things worse an i had people convinced that i was a smoker. i do not think i have smoked a day in my life. with the crap taht i went thro and the way my health is there is no way i would even start. i think my next thing that i will try to convince people of on facebook is that i am black. no joke.
than stephen ran away an hid....i thought about getting onto him about it, but i decided that i would be nice. he hid an jess ran away, i think there is something wrong with me. even cady wanted nothing to do with me. well i decided that i would work on some sort of pt myself. so i picked up the coloring book that i had got with kara and nicki and i grabbed my new huge box of crayons, and i sat o n the loveseat and decided that i wanted to make stephen an ash smile even tho they were not having a good day. i picked superman an wonderwoman and i decided to hold the crayons a different way an color with one hand, the hand was not my left hand. it was HARD! it took me a few hours to color the pictures but i did it. i gave them too them and ash kept on asking me if i was sure that jess had not colored them....i just worked my ass off on those, really?! stephen said he was proud an that he was going to frame them an hang them up, which i doubt, but we will see.
i ate some ice cream and m an ms.
stephen an ash left, and i got sad. so cady an i went an layed on the pallet i made on my floor. they got back and told me i stunk and had to take a shower, or i had to go stay out on the porch....no joke...ok...it is a joke. i took a shower and then layed on the loveseat and hung out with every one. we watched pan am, once upon a time - which was awesome, the only thing i did not like (okay i love suspense) is when they show something big happen and a choice that has to be made and cut to commercial, i went balistic, but it was a good episode - and rizzoli an isles - it was a repeat episode but it was a good one. what is funny is i have gotten everyone in this house hooked on a few different things, i have a influence here, and it is funny to watch.
i made ash toast an i made 2 pieces for myself an a sanwhich. i was in a really good mood, and jess said i was dancing.......ummmm ok...so i could not help it, i was in a really good mood.
i did dishes and over all i had said yes an no a few times that day. i went to bed.
this morn there was no need for an alarm. but i was up at 5. then 6 then 7 and then 8. i had some weird dreams. one dream i took stephen an ash's suv for a drive and i sucked, it was funny to see the reactions of everyone inside an out side of the car. then i was being chased by something. then i had a dream where me an this older couple, i knew them, went to this ice arena, and we kept going up to get on this ride where you stood and slid down...so you walked up basically to do the same thing down....i got off when i realized it, and went outside to go home...the older couple came over and the lady decided that i did not need my cane because seh was going to help me to the car....a suv...and i was like this is not a good idea, and she said it w ould be fine...well we started and she was not good support and i fell....i got up only to get  hit by a car. then i had a dream with these two lil girls i know i knew...and i was disciplining them and they were on these huge slides and i went down one of the slides only to disappear. the night before i had a dream about being in a tornado, and then i was in the hospital hallway on a gernie and kara was there with me sitting next to me holding my hand.... so all these dreams has me thinking i am in for something bad soon. it is crazy.
so i got up and went to the living room an ash an stephen were sitting on the love seat....i sent them a text - so here is the scoop, yes this is a rabbit trail or tail or whatever, i decided i was going to work on talking, and i have a word everyday to say, but i am so used to not speaking that i just automatically do not. well my word for today was good, which has not come out even close to that, and besides trying to say it i have not said one word today at all to anyone, o wait yes i did, and so bambam gives me a word of the day an i am to say it, now there is a goal to this too - i sent them a text asking them to help me by saying whatever the word is often so i can hear it an try to get it, and to also tell me to use my words instead of not.
they got up an started painting, so i went an watched a movie or finished it. well that is what i spent most of the day doing is watching movies, and watching them paint, while getting drowned in teh smell that the paint was giving off.
evening came an shortie text me to hang out. i was excited. we went out for dinner an i met her friend matt. he is cool. it was very entertaining and i tried the burrito santa fe..next tiem i will try the chicken. then we left an came home, and ash stephen an jess had spaghetti, my fav, without me, it was sad. i was sad. ah well there is left overs. we played uno an mcguire showed up. she finished my hand and won the game while i tried to skype with piglet, but it did not work. boo. on me. we then played the board game that i got as a gift. i won, all by guessing....it was all luck. lol. then they left an it was sad. ah well.
i had told ash that i love her, i whispered it but i said it. shortie got me a small bear or dog, i am not sure which it is, and simon says, which i hope i can play, it flashes....so i hope it does not cause a problem.

today i was up an down with my attitude, it sucked. i was getting so frustrated. i get so bored and i was ready to do anything today an go anywhere...just to do it. i was disappointed when i did not get to end up helping paint. then i got frustrated when it seemed that they could not talk at the table because i was there. then , even tho i know she was joking, i was kinda frustrated when ash asked me about the color of the bathroom and i had not said anything and she was like well i do not care what you think. it just sucked to hear that. so i decided i was going to stay in my room, because ash an stephen were doing that together and ya...and that way everyone could talk, esp since i cannot talk, i am not part of a lot of the convos that happen here. i think it sucks. and i was just frustrated an i am pretty sure i was just tired....so cranky. but i tried so many times to take part in stuff and just gave up.

i know ash an stephen are gone all day an all they want to do when they get home is stay home..and then i know it is also easier to just go an do stuff without having me to slow them down....but i am here all day, and when they get home an say they are going somewhere i usu really hope they ask me to go along just so i can get out....and i do not ask because it seems rude an bothering to me. but the last few days it just has been driving me crazy. i am bored..and i want to get out, see people, go places....what is sad is a trip to the store usu wears me down. so i want to get out to wear myself down. i was glad when shortie decided that going out to eat was a good idea. i was happy when her an mcguire decided to stay a bit an hang out. i know part of it is me, but ash an stephen get home and spend all their time together, and it is easy for jess to join in and all that, but me, i feel like i am being rude, and in a way selfish. i want to give them time to them, so i leave them be, but then that leaves me an the dog....which is ok, but she sleeps, almost all the time. sigh. ah well. maybe i will take cady for a walk. kill myself in the process but at least i will be doing something an be out of the house.

i know that was dumb an sselfish to say but it is how i feel, i just want to see people an have interaction, play games or color, or make something, and going places gives me a bit of a breath of somthing else air. i mean, am i really being bad to ask that every few days or so we do something or that we go somewhere? sigh, i bet the answer is yes. i would sit out on the porch with the dog for a bit but it is cold an i am a bit scared.

and this pt thing is not working too well. all too often i feel like i am left to do it on my own. which is fine, i will learn, and get better at some things. sad thing is i think my legs are getting weaker, they just hurt more from just walking from one end of the house to the other...but i try. and i will continue to work on it.

tomorrow i am going to do something. because tomorrow is wednesday and not thursday, like i thought. the other day i forgot how to use my phone, i was sitting at the table today an i forgot how to eat a hot dog, it is sad. tomorrow i am going to do some pt. tomorrow i am going to do a load of laundry. tomorrow i am going to do dishes. tomorrow i am going to take a nap. tomorrow iam going to take my vitamins. but what if tomorrow never came, truth is it never comes, it is always today...today i am going to bed.

i am not strong enough pt 2

so yesterday i did not finish my blog because one it was already really long, two probably repeated a lot of things over an over, and 3, i seriously thought i was going to puke, so i ended it.

yesterday after talking with stephen a bit we both decided that a blog post might do us both some good. well i should have waited to write it til today. than it would prob have still been as long but more organized an today i do not feel like i have to puke every few minutes.

i felt so horrible yesterday, it was worse than all the other days. i could not walk straight, my ears needed to pop all the time, my head was full of pressure, i was dizzy, throbbed with pain in my stomach an my head, i was shaking so bad, i was for sure that i was going to puke, passout, and fall quite a few times. luckly the only thing i did was stay off my normal balance most of the day. i even went into the bathroom several times an just sit next to the toilet waiting to puke. i went from starving an being so hungry to i cannot eat.
i felt so bad that i kept texting piglet back an forth o i think i can come over, o no my body hates me i cannot come over, i finally said my body is bipolar an i am going to come over anyways an spend time with you. well that an jasi convinced me to do so!

so yesterday after eating most of what i got from taco bell, i talked with jasi for a bit an she helped me realize some things, and she also convinced me to go visit my friend for a bit. so i texted her an told her i was going to come over when ever she could come get me. so i was expecting it would be in the next hour or two. well ash got home and i was sitting in the kitchen not sure if iwas going to puke or not. her an stephen sat in the living room for a bit an then i asked to go in.
 - i have felt really weird since i have been back and i have been staying out of the way, thinking i was making things easier. but i soon realized with help that i was only making things harder. -
   they said i could. we sat there an watched fish hooks for a bit until stephen realized it was not spongebob and then i turned it. we watched the final episode of wizards or waverly place. i am sad to see the show go, but all good things must end to make room for crappy shows.
i sat on the couch for a bit as stephen an ash went to make food. i then felt horrible and text piglet saying i was going to lay on the couch an she could wake me up when she got here. dinner came an i was not going to eat. i had about fallen asleep on teh couch quite a few times. i decided taht even tho i did not feel well, that i did not want to eat, that i was tired as hell, taht i was going to go and sit at the table with every one just to be around them. i am sure i fell asleep a few times at the table but the conversations were hilarious. i was not laughing tho because i was too busy trying to fight staying awake while trying to fight going to sleep. after everyone was done eating stephen looked at me an said are you sure you are going to be able to go to piglets, i shook my head no. or i think he asked that, it was something like that. i got up an went an did something...ash is like you need to go to bed. i wanted too, but i was not going to pass up my time with piglet. i was walking back into the dining room and i about fell into the wall. i had to grab the door frame to stop from falling. i finally just sat at the table in teh kitchen and waited there for piglet. everyone else went to their room.
after about an hour i was readdy to go to bed an was about to head ther when piglet showed up. i let her in and she wrote down some stuff and then we left.
we got to her house and her dad an brother were there. i turn around and there is shortie. i sit on the floor an petted the dogs. the pup was scared of me at first, and when they had first got her she had fallen in love with me, i finally moved to the couch and shortie was freezing so i wrapped my arms around her and warmed her. i was not cold but she was shivering. she started reading yesterdays blog post. piglet an everyone else were packing. the pup warmed up to me. natalie walked in and sat well for a bit on my lap a bit. i showed her how to play one of the games and i helped her out.
shortie finished reading my blog post and then took my arm and cuddled with it. she started talking to me. at that moment i felt every care in the world disappear. i had not felt like that for a long time. and it was strange because there had come times with piglet an ash that i was close to what i was feeling, and there were times that shortie and i had cuddled, but for some reason this time was different. i like cuddling and i would do it a lot more, except no one wants to cuddle....except cady, and she also wants to slobber all over my face. lol. i think at that moment that i was getting exactly what i needed. and all shortie was doing was cuddling with my arm and talking to me, reassuring me of stuff.

sometimes i try to be the grown up that everyone sees in me. and i will say all the time i just need to grow up....but truth is, i need to let me be who i am no matter what age that is. and i need to be okay with it.
i think shortie knew that i was a scared lil kid trying to understand everything that was going on, and when a lil kid is scared you hold them an you reassure them. maybe i need more of that.

shortie and natalie left and carl had got home. coco started freaking out about it. she wet herself. reminded me of bubbles. the pup had been laying by my legs her head on my feet. it was funny, she was going home with eric piglets dad but when he tried to get her to go to him or went near her she ran and jumped up on the couch with me. there were a few times i had both dogs up there with me. i think they thought of me as someone who would protect them and that made me feel good.
esp since the last few days i had felt like a failure, like i was putting everyone else in danger, and that i could not protect anyone including myself.
finally piglet came an sat down. we visited for a bit. then she took me home. she did not walk me to the door like she usually did, we hugged and i told her i love her.
i went to go inside and i could not get the screen door open and i knew that i had not locked it. i text jess and asked her to come let me in. she did. she said the screen door was not locked....i had never had trouble with it. cady was happy to see me....tried running me over a few times. i was so tired that i fell a sleep on the couch. then i woke up to ash moving around. i thought i had set my alarm but had not. i felt horrible. i sat on the couch the whole time. even turned it to the news for ash. she left and cady an i moved to the love seat. i was not planning on falling back a sleep. cady got between me and the couch and i fell asleep. i kept getting those shakes that i had had the day before. they kept waking me. i thought yesterday and this morning that i was going to have a seizure at any moment. i had warned piglet before hand taht i may pass out or have a seizure and she said it would be nothing new in her life.
i do not mind falling in front of people, tho i do not want too, i would rather fall than have a seizure or pass out in front of people esp my friends. i do not want them freaking out. i pass out leave me where i am , or move me out of the way, i have a seizure....leave me be i will be fine.
i heard movement an cady kept popping her head up, stephen was awake. i layed on the loveseat for the longest time. i felt much better today, but i am still tired. i mean i still have stomach pain and my head is still hurting, but both are not as bad as they were yesterday.
i spent most of the day talkign with stephen, watching him clean his room, and talking with bambam. bambam an i talked a long time. i am thankful for her. there was one point where she had said something and i was pissed....i think i was more hurt by it than anything, but i got over it. i love talking with bambam cuz most the time when we talk we talk. it is a conversation. i may write her a book but she writes one back. and we work thro stuff this way. which helps me a lot. she said i can come live with her. and that i do not have to be normal because she herself is weird. it is true. i think it would be cool to go live with bambam for a bit. stephen keeps talking about moving to seattle and oklahoma and i would love to do both.
bambam is bambam because she conquers? a lot of things and makes the bad go away. she is good at beating stuff up. she is my bambam because she always helps me bam the tough stuff.

this last week had been hard an i had no idea how to deal with it, so i dealt with it the only way i knew how to, and that and other factors mad things here a lot more stressful. well today i changed that. and i am going to start changing other things too.


i spent the rest of the day running around the store with everyone. there were a few things we forgot, like tape, toothpaste, gloves, batteries, an dog food. so stephen an i are going to have to go back to the store in the morning.

dinner was entertaining, as usu. now i am getting ready to go to bed. i am trying to convince shortie an mcguire to come over sometime this week. hopefully they will both start coming over a lot more. hopefully sometime soon i am going to get to skype with bambam and debbie cockram and piglet.

any ways. this baf is tired, relieved, almost not sick any more, and ready to start working on getting myself back to decent normalcy.

i am not strong enough to do any of this on my own. i try, and i fail. i am thankful for those that remind me of this very thing. i cannot move forward on my own, i have to have the strength of others to help me get where i am going.

i am not strong enough

   There's something different about you since you've been back. - copy an pasted word for word. sadly this statement does not even come close to it tho.

i do believe the last post i wrote i said i was going to visit kara an joey an nicki, and that i was also going to st jo for a night. well what a week this turned out to be.
i did go visit kara an joey an nicki. she text me to let me know she was in town, and i got so nervous i almost could not stand. we left town an we were not that far out and she is like you do know me right an are not just riding away with some stranger?! i said, which is true, that if i did not know you i would not have even talked to you. we stopped in macon for subway, which was good. then we stopped in brookfield, my cousin tiffany works at the hospital cafeteria there, and kara went into walmart while i tried to answer her questions about my cousin chris who died in the lifenet crash, and try to keep myself from crying. then we stopped in a really small town that had one of those old gas stations, it was funny watching her try to figure it out, you would have thought she had never been to a small town. we watched a few movies during my visit, monty python and the holy grail which i did not like - there were funny parts but i guess i am to lame to get the movie that is if there is anything to get -then we watched dolphin tale, which was a great movie, i want a rufus. then we watched xmen first class - at the end i was trying so hard not to bawl when he started saying i cannot feel my legs, i cannot move my legs, because as soon as he said that i remembered what it was like when i could not move my legs, the first time that it happened i freaked out. and there are still times when i will wake up or be sitting some where n i cannot move my legs. granted it only lasts a lil bit but it is still a scary thing - we watched gridiron gang, this was when i returned for another night, it was funny listening to them trying to figure out how to say the title. they did not get it until the rock had said it in the movie. it was funny. and the day that i left we watched a disc full of old cartoons. we also made a lot of our meals, like homemade pizza - mine turned out weird, one was pepperoni an bacon bits an the other pineapple an canadian bacon, but the crust kara made and we topped it - we made monkey bread, kara nicki an i, by the way you do not use actual monkeys, i was tired an kara wanted me to shake the bag but i declined many times, it was alright (oh an we watched tim hawkins bananas) , we had casadeas, brats with potatoes, and waffles ....which took a long time to make an the chocolate ones did not turn out good an tasted like play dough but the blueberry ones were good. oh and we also had ham sanwhich, which was dry even with mustard. lol. kara still had her christmas stuff up which was real pretty, and she has a bunch of penguins, even one that is losing a foot. so peter an pengway were either cuddle buddies or enemies the whole time, it was pretty funny, and kara kept attacking me the whole time either with her penguins or igloo. no joke. i know she was kidding but there were times i just closed my eyes preparing for the worse. tuesday night kara an nicki an i hung out and we decided to go to a random place an do something unplanned, the bad part is taht we planned what we were going to do an where we were going to go. we went to chilicothe and went to the dg good will an dg again. we found what we were looking for dragons hippos an unicorns, and i also got some flash cards an stuff for pt an a new coloring book.
i had fun doing that tho i was tired. i had decided that i did not need my wheelchair an i do not think we had planned on doing anything that involved that much walking. but i survived. barely, lol. i had fun, it was good hanging with nicki, her an kara were having a hug contest to see who could get the most hugs from me, i think i won. lol. it was good seeing joey too. he is funny.
well wednesday came and we left to go to st jo. everyone including me was hesitant about it. i was thinking i will be there less than 24 hours, barely enough time for anyone to know i am there, so there should be no problems. we got there an kara is like well we will come back an get you, just tell me when, and i will be there. i was scared an nervous and excited. i walked in the front door, after leaving everything including my cane outside - the house is so small i do not really need it inside that much -, and before i even walked in the dogs were barking, i walked in an bubbles was right there but she was backing away from me barking an growling, elvis was the first to greet me, we walked in and finally bubbles came up an greeted me. stardust who had been on the ladder was more excited to see joey than me....that kitten of mine does not liek me that much. the dogs were jumping all over me. kara gave me a hug an they left. i helped them find the music store an they were leaving town telling me that i had the chance to go with them. i stayed. it took bubbles a while to warm up to me. i even got on the floor to play with her, and she still did not seem like her self. stardust kept hissing at me everytime i picked him up and biting me. jerk. elvis was excited to see me. after hanging with cady for so long my dog seems small. i got my brother to wake up an it was good seeing him. it was good seeing my family, the only one i did not see was my brother alan. i walked into my room an i about had a fit. i about had a fit the first time i walked into the house. i had spent my whole first week out of the hospital cleaning that house, doing all the laundry, dishes, etc. and there were no clean dishes laundry all over the place, no laundry soap, all the clean towels and blankets were dirty, all my stuff was all over my room, the house smelt bad, there were knats and flies all over, the bathtube was durtte....gross. i thought it was a good thing i took a shower earlier. the dogs were so dirty that my hands were brown from petting them, i was going to give them a bath but no clean towels. i did not even look to see if there was food. so i decided i would just clean off my futon make that, an not worry about eating. bubbles seemed to not care that i was really there. she would go straight to my sister an ignore me. the whole time i was there she was going after elvis an my dad said that had not happened a single time while i was gone. the first time bubbles had my bag of vitamins trying to eat them and elvis tried to get s ome an she went after him. the dogs love vitamins. so my being there was a bad thing for bubbles. i guess the way she saw it was i was the boss of the house an that made her second in command and once i was gone dad an elvis took those positions. he said one will not go outside without the other, which never happened. well i was gathering stuff an dad an rachael left. i had spent a lot of the time that had passed outside with the dogs. there was a knock at the door about 10 mins later, and it was one of the guys. dustin had answered the door, he went to get his phone an the guy came in and grabbed me an threw me agains the wall an started choking me. dustin tried to get him off but nothing worked so while i was being choked an hit an yelled and even touched by him, dustin finally got the neighbors to come over an help. the cops were called but they could not do nothing because the guy had left. so, right before all this had happened i had talked to kara and her an joey decided they were going to come get me an i really did not have a choice. so i was rushing trying to get everything together, and then my aunt showed up and had christmas presents for me. a lot of which i could not bring with me. most breakable, i brought the paper weight one with me an the coloring book she had given me an the throw. i did not get everything i had intended on packing, but i grabbed what i could. my family was pissed that i was coming and going like that, but also glad that i was leaving again, none of them really cared i was there. and rachael was full of drama - tho the funniest thing was i was text my aunt about one of my friends and my aunt was saying everything out loud and rachael was textn someone and she looks over at me and says damit brittany you almost made me ask this person to help me find some new friends, that was hilarious, everyone was laughing - and then lightning jr is dying or might be dead,a n my sisters hamster had died, so it was kinda depressing. and with what had just happened, and most of the windows being covered in plastic, i was not even sure i could sleep. all my stuff was on the front porch ready to go when kara got there. i had to chase stardust down. my brother helped me, he went to the sidewalk on the side of theh ouse an layed there rolling around all happy and stuff. he was pissed when i took him back in the house. i went in an said my good byed. bubbles came up to me and stood on her back legs and put her head in my arm and just kept it there. i literally said i love you bubbles a few times. it was hard to leave her. i got in the car an we took off. we stopped at taco bell on the way and then mcdonalds for ice cream. i bought it, sorta as a way to say thank you. i had planned on going to walmart before i left st jo since my dad works there i use his card to get 10 percent off things, but it did not happen. kara was going to take me but i did not want to go and she had to get back to braymer to help with band practice. so we got to her house and i told her to go ahead an go over to practice. i carried my stuff in, it was really heavy an hard but i did not care. i did fall a few times but i got back up and pushed myself beyond everything i had. i was trying my hardest to keep myself from crying. i finally could not help but too. i got my stuff in an started helpign clean their house. i was exhausted from all the traveling and everything taht had happened, that i finally had to sit down before i fell down. kara and i were texting back an forth an i was going to go over an help take down the tree but they decided not too. i told her how i was emotional.
she got back an we watched the movie gridiron gang. i did just fine during the movie.
     
we went to bed, i went to the back room got ready for bed an turned off the light an layed down. the minute my head hit the pillow i started bawling. i could not help it. i had not dealt with what had happened a few hour prior and i missed bubbles, i was upset that my family did not care i was there an that they were in danger an it was all my fault. i felt bad that kara had come to get me an that i was keeping her from her studying, i felt bad taht stephen was dealing with his dad having a heart attack and then dealing with his own health issues, an taht ash was stressed an all this, i just felt at that moment that my life was nothing that i was nothing, so i layed there crying. the only thing i wanted at that moment was bubbles. i was not feelign to well an i knew i had a fever, so i layed on my back since my stomach was killing me and i started praying. i started out with god of the bible if you are there, if you are the god that exists hear me please.....i prayed that if anything he would help my friends, stephen to get better, ash not to be stressed, jess to find a job, piglet to keep her dogs, and on an on  i went, and i said if you do not do a single thing for me at least do that for my friends. i prayed taht my family an our animals would be safe an protected. and then i told god how i felt like my life was a mistake an nothing was ever going to change with it. how i had not felt fully safe and how it would be better if i was dead. - to be clear here, i am not ever going to kill myself - but do understand that there are limits to me. i can only take so much. so i prayed an prayed an i said i will deal with this on my own. i felt i had been doing this for weeks. i told this god how i felt like i could not go to ash or stephen because of what they were dealing with, and that when i do try to go to people most of them just shrug stuff off like it is nothing, no big deal. like my problems are nothing and i am being rediculous. so i decided that night that i was not going to blog, talk to anyone, or be on facebook, that i just wanted to stay in bed and cry an just save everyone else the trouble an deal with it on my own.
i think i prayed an cryed myself to sleep. i had been having horrible dreams, some of which i am glad i do not remember specifics. last night i had a dream that i was in a tornado, and that i was at this school with my family. just horrible stuff has been my dreams. the first night at kara an joeys they told me i could use the memory foam pillow if i wanted too, so i did i did not move the whole time i was a sleep an i did not wake, i had slept for about 7 hours straight with no interuptions. the second night i tossed an turned. same with the next night.
i woke up thursday morn an texted kara. i told her i was awake and that i was not sure if i would be out there to visit or not. i could not get over the crying an then i also did not feel well. so i texted a few people and asked them to pray for me. kara came an i went into the living room with her. one of the people i had texted told me that it was basically my fault that i chose to go to st jo an i  put myself in danger. i did not want to do anything. kara went to go take a shower an she got clean and we were sitting on the couch an i was to the point where i almost started bawling an i leaned forward an laughed an she was like what is so funny and i shook my head to tell her nothing and she was like aww come on you are not going to tell me what is so funny. i was laughing to try an keep from bawling. kara had told me it was okay to cry there infront of her, but i really did not want too. so we ate an then watched cartoons an i had layed down on peter and was almost a sleep when ash an stephen showed up.
things felt weird. joey was showing them teh basement an kara is like you know you can stay here, it is just no one will be home until 5 and you will be bored out of your mind. in a way i did not want to leave. but i know i can go back to visit any time. we loaded up and said our good byes. we took off. i helped stephen find the way to 36.
i felt so weird. like i had done something wrong. i tried sleeping most the way to avoid the tension and because i had not felt well. we got to moberly. unloaded my stuff. i had two duffles, one full of clothes the other full of books. got all this stuff unloaded an they left again. i did dishes an put my room together. than i layed in my bed an just bawled. i turned off my light an tried going to bed. i spent a few hours crying an then i fell sleep for about an hour an half. i got up an made a san which. than i came back to my room an bawled some more. i spent half the night in a  cycle of sleepign waking an bawling. 530 came my alarm went off, and i shut it off an went back to sleep. i felt bad but sleep was all i wanted to do. so i cried until i fell asleep. i woke up an got ready an went with stephen to columbia. then we came back to moberly an went to walmart, then we came home. i did dishes, jess got mad because i was rewashing some of the dishes she had just washed. i finished an organized my dvds. i took my m and ms and went to my room an watched some movies and then went to bed. i cried myself to sleep again. 530 came around an i stayed in bed. i got up at 8 and stephen had messaged me...asking me if i was ok,, that i seemed different since i had been back and i was hiding a lot. ...so we talked for a bit but i had not told him what had happened wed, basically because i had not told anyone. i showered an ate some oatmeal, which was gross, then i watched tbs with stephen for a bit, an then i went to my room and got on facebook. jasi an i talked, an i told her most of what had happened, and we talked an then she disappeared. kara sent me a message saying stephen had sent her a message and they were concerned so i sent her a message back. stephen an jess went to taco bell and i paid for my stuff but i could not eat it all. i have been talking with piglet all day. i was going to go visit with her but i really do not feel well so i am going to stay home in bed most likely. piglet is moving tomorrow and i do not know if i will ever see her again, i hope so, but it is killing me, because one of my best friends is moving away. and what sucks even more is i cannot go spend time with her because my body hates me.

so i am laying in bed with cady next to me snoring. i feel like crap. i feel like i am in the way, adding to stress an problems, and that people are mad at me, and that i am facing things alone. i have been wishing for peter to be like huge and real so that i can get a penguin hug from him. i feel i need one of those hugs where it makes you feel safe and secure, even if just for that moment. i do not feel safe. i want to move to st jo and take care of my family, i want to be with my bubbles, i want this all to be over. and it is a me thing when i say i do not feel safe. and since i am like a lil kid, hiding in my bed holding my stuffed animal seems like the closest thing to security i have right now. usu a scared lil kid runs to their mom or dad an their mom or dad comforts them reassuring them everything will be alright, but i cannot do that. so i sit in my bed hiding in my room crying.
i do not feel well and i am scared. and it has been hard to talk to anyone because either they push it off as nothing serious, or they already have enough issues without me adding to them.
i think i am repeating myself, and i feel like i am going to puke, so i am going to get off. but there it is, this post is long, rightly so, point is i have a ton of emotions and i cannot find a way to deal with them other than hiding an crying, and i do not feel well. end of the story.

scary faces

scary faces, scary places, these things haunt me every night, every day, it seems to be something i cannot escape, no matter how hard i try.

i saw a scary face. it haunted my dreams all last night. i saw a scary face. it was a monster. a monster who was dead set on destroying me. it had a mouth sorta like one of the creatures from avp. it was the color of dark clouds. i could not escape it.

i saw a scary face today. i was wide awake. i saw a scary face today. this face was like yours or mine. i saw a scary face today. it kept staring me down. i saw a scary face today. not sure that they were staring at me i kept looking over every bit or so to see if it was still staring, an indeed it was. i saw a scary face today. one that i knew i knew tho not sure how. i saw a scary face today. and it got even scarier when i realized who it was. i saw a scary face today. one of a certain few that i hoped i would not see for months. i saw a scary face today, and i hope it is the last time i see it.

faces. we all have them. and we all usu use them. some of us have more than one, some just have the one an wear it well. i have 3 faces. my old one, which i hardly ever wear, the one i have now, an my future one, if there even be one.
sometimes i feel faceless....like red says, i feel hallow an faceless. i cannot find who i am, i am not myself, feel like someone else, can you save me from the nothing i have become....i mean i am sure that there are parts of the old me that people see. but you cannot define me by who i once was. it just does not work that way.

scary places. i do not go anywhere alone. if i am at the house someone is there with me or cady is there, if i go some where...there is someone i trust with my life there with me.

so....i am going to say this because it is far due an it is something that i cannot get out of my head. it is amazing! i am very thankful for ash an stephen, tho they have been scaring me a bit lately, they are awesome, an i love them with all my heart. they have both kept me going, kept me alive, an kept me from dying so many times. they are two people that i would not hesitate entrusting?? them with my life. no joke...period as period can get. i know that i am completely safe with them. ash was ready to take down carl taht night, whether she was kidding or not, i have just been in awe about it since. stephen, i think he is the same way. sometimes things are happening all around me, some that they do not even know about or realize at the time, an all i have to do is look at them, an all those things disappear.
everything seems so big when you are little. things for me still seem so big, an one day i will wake up and they will not be as big anymore.

i am thankful for my friends. most of them, are letting me grow at my own pace. not trying to rush me. i am below preschool level in a lot of aspects, esp writing an numbers an colors, etc. i can read most things. i may not understand it but i can read most things. i can do certain things around the house. and some things i am getting better at i think, which must mean my brain is getting better, right?! but my friends allow me to be the age i am in whatever aspect, and they do not complain....i know i do alot tho, an i bet part of it is for them.

today began a new year. it was a weird day. at first it was fine but then it got tense an i just felt weird. finally i had to just get up an hide for a bit.
i went to bed at 8 last night. i woke up at 1145pm....i heard ash an stephen, who i was sure went to bed, an i thought it was like 6-7 in the am...and they were being loud, woke me up, an i was ready to go chew them out, but i did not want to get out of bed. i was wondering why they were being so loud, an stuff, than i looked at my phone....what in the hell. i fell back to sleep. woke up at 203am. i was up. i got up an went potty. went an looked out the front window to see if it was snowing like my phone said it was. nope...nothing. so i was up til like 4 than i woke at 5 an stayed up for a bit then i woke at 7 and layed around for a bit. i got up after listening to ash voice for a bit. went in sat with her. watched some tv. then the morning turned tense. i almost opted out of being a part of it. just because i was stressed from how tense the house seemed.
ash mom an aunt got here an we went to santa fe. they seemed nice. i do not think they liked me that much. people who do not understand me or those who are thrown off by the face that i do not speak back when spoken too usu do not like me because i am not like them. sometimes it is useful. - tho the everyone here in the house are getting better with their letters in sign and they are even starting to understand signs in sign....it has gotten to the point where i will make a gesture an they will usu know what i mean. it is pretty awesome - we came back to the house an they opened gifts. ash is like what do you think of this baf, over an over, i am not one for jewerly, i have nothing pierced, except for my head, and i have no tatooes. they left an i watched some tv with ash an stephen an then i went an hid. i finally came back out after a bit. walked around - most the morning my legs were throbbing with pain, an at this point they were much better - the evening was spent texting kara, playing mario with ash an stephen, waiting for jess to get back from the store with ice cream an m&ms, which i will pay her for....prob when i get back to town......and doing the dishes.

i am staying up a bit, so i have the two towers in to help me with this. i think it might help me sleep til 5 if i stay up just a bit longer.
tomorrow kara is coming to get me. we are finally going to spend time together. i am a bit nervous but i am excited. an i have to decide how long i will be in st jo. i prob will cry when i have to leave bubbles. i would bring her with me but, i am not sure how it would go with cady an her. i asked ash the other day if we could get a pup since there are people here to help take care of it, an she said sure why not, which, i know what that means....but i could only hope. lol. i just have to keep telling myself it will not be long an i will be back in st jo with her for a bit...i am also excited to see stardust. my baby boy. he is almost a year old. i bet he is almost fully grown. .
i am excited to spend time with kara. and joey. maybe i will even see nicki in that time.

i am just taking a change of clothes for two days, my penguin, a pillow an a blanket. my cane of course. and possibly my wheelchair. she will be here sometime around 11.

it is a new year. i am going to work on taking my vitamins everyday, around the same time, doing both kinds of pt everyday...and a few other things.

but for now i am going to go to bed. i am tired. so....off to sleep.