cookies and..desserts

i went to bed. i woke up at 545 and i went to get up, and cady was laying on the love seat. ash was up in the kitchen an stephen was up an about. i do not think cady had moved. so it either means she really likes me or she was really tired.
i got up an went an sat by her, and petted her for a bit. then i went an sat in the kitchen. i do not remember what was said but i guess i looked out of it..and i had just woke up an not given myself any time to take in everything, so i was a bit out of it.
breakfast was good. i am usu the last one done with my food, but that is me and then there are the times where i scarf down my food. sometimes i forget that i usu do not have to worry bout not having food.
i went an put my plate up an my glass, i usu have to have something to drink with bread, congestion sucks an i feel like i will ... it is hard to explain. but i put my stuff in the kitchen by the sink an i let cady out, then in, an then i came in an watched reba, and fell asleep. i woke at like 8 thinking i was over sleeping, then 9 something thinking the same thing then 10, jess was up an about an i turned around and cady was all over her. i watched for a bit thro my sleep drenched eyes, and then i decided i was going back to sleep. i almost slept til 11. an i was tempted to sleep past 11. it was 1058 and i decided i needed to get up an get ready. i waited an waited an then shortie is like i am picking up a guest...i was like it was either piglet or mcguire. so i waited. i got in my wheelchair pushed myself in to the kitchen window an waited. jess said something like i look like a sad lil kid or something. i was excited. they finally arrived an it was shortie an piglet. the whole time waiting i felt like i was burning up. i checked to make sure the heat was not on an it was not, i thot about going an taking my temp on an off thro most of the next few hours.
we sat there an talked, an i gave shortie her movie back an she held on to chuggers for a long long time. i made her color a picture that later became the hippie clownita picture. piglet read two chapters from our book. we went in the kitchen an made the cookies an piglet started on her deviled egg thing. i guess the cookies were good, all but 3 remains. i had 1 i think.
i am not big into sweets an desserts. they make me feel weird.

we waited for ash an stephen to get home an then we went to walmart, an left the jones to have some time alone. we got there an shortie parked far away. we walked up there an i got in the door an there was a wheelchair like we usu get when there an there was no cart on it. so i sat down an decided taht since no one offered that i would push myself, that it would be a good stress releaver. it was not hard. at frist my arms got tired but then after a while i did not even notice. we went all around walmart too. the last things we got were vitamins for me. piglet is determined to help my brain in any way possible. which is good. they spent like 20 mins looking over vitamins. so i got a thing of b vitamins, an a thing of multi vitamins. they are a lil tart but that is ok. we got back to the house to get their stuff an my phone charger. i felt so bad for disrupting ash an stephens time together alone. they need it. we got the stuff an left. got to piglets an i was trying to help her make dinner. i stood there for almost 5mins, after about 2 my leg started killing me, an then my ribs started killing me, an i thot well i am going to pass out. dinner was finished, it was good, i had two bowls of it. than shortie left an piglet read to me. i really like this story. then we drawed on her ipad...something called doodle something.
the whole time we were there there was this pup that piglets dogs had found, an it was going all over the place, she was not scared, well most the time, it was cute how her dogs an this pup were getting along. and then i was texting ash during that time too. she is one of my best friends, no joke. i love her with everything i have. an i am so thankful for her an stephen, an i know i say that a lot but it is true. they make my heart smile. talking with ash always makes me feel better.

overall the day was good. there were bad parts. cady keeps running me over, knocking me down. then during the winter for some reason my feet swell some an my toes hurt...it is weird. cady keeps on stepping on my toes an then i was in the wheel chair an i kept running over my feet with it. it is a small chair so there is really no room for foot rests. 

well now i am home an i am going to go to bed...i am tired. an i need an want to wake up to have breakfast with ash an stephen. so goodnight world.

breaking dawn pt 1

so last night we decided that we were just going to all go to bed sooner than later. i was glad for this. i was dead tired an i was sure by then that i had a fever. i was layered in clothes an i was either sweating an really hot or freezing an shaking. i did not feel good at all. i was dead tired an i could not sleep. i even got on the floor because it was more comfy an i thought cady would play but she did not.
i watched glee an rizzoli an isles, then the new girl an raising hope an then some of the news. and that is all i remember...i went to bed. two hours later.
i fell off the couch 3 times. yep...the second an third time cady came up to me an stuck her cold wet nose in my face. 3rd time i almost did not get up. i had my alarm set to go off but slept right thro it. i woke up to a loud noise coming from ashs room an noise in the kitchen, the reason i woke up is cuz i was starting to fall off the couch again. it ws 8 something. i pulled myself back up to the couch an i waited cuz i had no clue where i was, jus that it ws loud an i was ready to fall. i knew who i was but as for everyone else...no idea. then i got up an as i did, it came back to me. i do not know why my head is doing that but i should not be surprised.
i felt almost as bad as i had the morning before. i decided to sit at the table an color. i colored one picture for ash an that was it. i was done. finally ash came out where i could see her beautiful face! she said lauren was coming over to go to the store with us. she got here an we went to the store. i was slick outside. i was about ready not to use my cane cuz it kept slipping.
side note - i need to stop relying so much on my cane an learn to walk without it. if i fall i fall. that is how i will learn, right?! i just have to tell myself not only steps but that i need to only balance some on one foot. my not left leg is the one that is weakest. idk why but it is. it is the one that gets tired fast, shakes a lot, hurts the most, etc. or maybe i need to do the complete opposite an just take it even slower, not walk as much. - end side note
we got there an i was starting to feel real bad, my stomach was kicking my butt. and i got real tired. all i wanted to do was go home an sleep. we walked around the store, well ash pushed me, tho i could try to walk around the store an save anyone the trouble of pushing me, or i could push myself. ash asked me if i needed anything from the storeand i said no, i did not need anything, bt if i did i would have waited til i could have got it myself. it may sound dumb but ash an them do so much for me already, that i could not ask them or her to get me something i need. they got flash cards an are going to make flash cards, i am not sure how this is going to work. i thought the other day i had atleast one color down but i do not.
we went an got the rest of the stuff then got in line, lauren was there with me but i did not think that ash an jess were going to make it back in time an i got scared. they made it back. i really did not feel good, but i was not going to say anything. we went to a bread store. then we came home after picking kevin up. i know this is bd, it makes me feel bad, but when others are around, others that i do not know well, i freak out. so i stayed at the table, an i sat on my computer for a while, well i was on it, i did not act sit on it. finally i went an sat by ash. i know that ash will not let anything happen, but i still get freaked. an i tell her when i am scared or freaked.
shortie text me asking if tomorrow would be a good day for a date. i said yeah. she asked me if i was enjoying my time in moberly, i said yea i was having a great time. she said that is good an i was like yea i guess. then she asked what could be done to make it better. i told her punch me in the stomach an the face an it might make them both feel better. she is coming over at 11 an we are going to make cookies an spend some time together. and then piglet an i are going to spend time together. today ash an i were supposed to spend time together like the whole day, watching once upon a time an other things. we did spend time together, but i guess it was not what i was expecting...haha. expect the unexpected tho. it was mainly my fault. no one wants to be around the sick person, and then i was busy hiding half the day, trying not to bust out crying an going outside to hide. ash kept on telling me it would be ok. i know that deep down but my mind tells me other wise.
then lauren an kevin left an i felt much better, it is not that i do not like them it is just that i do not know them like i know ash an stephen an it will take time. just like it is taking time for me to be completely ok around jess. i do not want anyone to feel bad, cuz it is not them it is me. some lil kids show off aroudn complete strangers an will tell them anything, others run an hide from people they do not know, an will do nything to avoid them. i am mostly the one that hides, tho i do make an effort to try an be around them.
stephen got home as they were leaving. i missed him. we all got ready an went to the movie the movie was pretty good. there was not any strobe lights. the pace did make my head hurt an me dizzy, but other than that nothing. where they stopped it tho, was something else. i just hope that the second part does not turn out to be like the second prt of harry potter an they rush it. i walked out of there with a huge ass smile on my face. i thought it was good but could not believe the news about the strobe lights or where they decided to end the movie.i do got to say that edward act looked good an hot in this movie. just saying.
we got home an ash finished making the food. so we sat at the table to eat. an  there is this bird noise coming from some where. stephen thinks i have something to do with it, which i do not, an i told him that. i told him maybe it was the smoke alarm an he writes me back saying it sounds like someone is farting a bird. oh man, i lost it. it was so funny an i do not know why. and he kept  adding to it, by talking an saying stuff. i was turning colors, cuz i cannot laugh laugh so i breath laugh, and i was crying. it was fnny but not like funny funny, but to me it was hilarious. but i think i needed it. all the days of wanting to cry an not an all the stress i deal with, i needed something to break that tention an it was it. he is a funny funny "man" ! lol. and i felt bad about not being up to have breakfast with him.
the food was good. real good. i had 2 bowls. my stomach has so far liked it. and it is one of the first things that okay only things that has not make my tum feel like killing me. i thot the cookies were doing good but after the second one my tum wanted to kill me.
now i am sitting here writing this.

earlier at the store ash is like baf still has not told me what she wants for christmas. i have already stated this. there are things that i wish for but i know that they will never happen or i will never get them. as far as what i want, i think i got everything i could want.
this statement got me thinking a whole lot right before dinner an my thinking made me want to cry an i almost did.

so many people take life an everyday things for granted. everything that i can or get to do in a day, or the things that i remember, or the food i eat, the sleep i get, every single part of my day down to the smallest thing i am thankful for, because according to so many factors an stephen i should not be alive right now. i have been dead many times, i have faced death many times, an i do not remember what it was like when i was dead but i do know that we need to be gretful for everything.

so the pet peeves in this house. i am sorry. ever since i was little i have had problems with dizziness, an over active mucus. at night it gets bad because i have trouble breathing so i am trying to clear my airway, and when iwas in the hospital i had an oxygen mask that helped an now i just have my fan. no biggy, but i am sorry that i do your pet peeves.

stephen asked to use my laptop, well the internet at the table scks but i am sitting on the couch by the window an it is working great....i think he cleaned my screen some, so thank you...my computer is dirty. it sucks. and it needs updated. it has not been on my priority list.

i went an looked at ash an stephens an my list of stuff to do together, an idk...it seems kinda dumb now. there is not much onit bt what is there is kinda  lame. taht is what happens when i am really sick, i say dumb things.


i love being here. i feel like it is a home. i feel like part of a family. it is nice...an i am going to be sad when i leave. i would like to stay for a long time, but i know that ash an stephen need their time for them an i know that i cannot help with anything money wise an getting a job would be hard. who is going to hire a mute idiot who is also partly lame (walk)??!
i guess when i am here an around ash an stephen i feel safe, comfy, and like i can be myself without worrying about getting yelled at or told that i am a defected freak that should be dead.. i do not have to worry about them making fun of me or telling me everyday what a horrible dumb person i am an how hated i am. i mean i am here an my family is still trying to make me feel like crap an sometimes it works.

it is supposed to snow tomorrow. tomorrow i plan on feeling completely better an having fun.

snow

so when i say i have never done this it is probably that i do not remember doing it or seeing it, or that i really never have an either way do not remember.

i have never seen snow until today.

last night i stayed home, we stayed home instead of going to the christmas parade. ash back is still hurting her, an it was really cold outside. so they made din an we watched pan am an tried watching once upon a time. ash got her new phone. today i am going to help her get some of the ringtones she wanted.
i got on the floor with cady an played she had a lot of fun those she kept hitting me in the face. they were cold but i was really hot. i was sure i had  fever but whatever. we had lasanya for din, i am not a fn of the stuff but i ate it...it is a once in a while thing.
jess an i watched some tv an jasi an i talked some, an then i went to bed. i was tired. an my stomach was killing me. it had been all day.

jasi is smart...she thinks of things that i know but do not realize it until after she says them. like i know this, but every single thing uses spoons. i am always so exhausted an weak. and i do not do much eps since i have been here in moberly. everyone helps me out a lot, ash is real good about it. she is always bringing my plate to the table, my drink, helping me with food an other stuff, doors, etc. i try to do some of it on my own but i usu cannot pour my own tea esp if it is more than half full. i cannot carry my own bible that bambam got me, it is too heavy. sometimes i cannot bend over to get stuff. so that helps.
but jasi pointed out a lot of things that will make me tired, an i felt so stupid for not even thinking about it. thinking, sitting around, moving, traveling, even sitting in a wheelchair being pushed, eating, going to restraunts, digesting, trying to keep up with conversations, listening, processing, visiting or having visitors, etc, all is work. she was right about a lot of stuff, i am not used to eating real food an therefore it really makes me tired an my body is still trying to get used to it.
lately i have been a lot more comfortable showing that i am tired, or taking my time walking because i need to slow down, or saying no i do not want to go here or do this or that i cannot, still sometimes i will do stuff or go places tho i do not have the spoons, just so i can spend time with people. i have been so people deprived for months an i am around some of the people that i know best an feel safe with that i try to get as much time with them as i can.
but what got jasi an i talking is that her an nikki were commenting on my something and they were going really fast and then the things they were saying were weird an i had no idea what they were talking about, an it scared me. an then a lot of stuff started going thro my head an then i got even more scared.

bed time came an i was out..cady would not sleep with me...i think i scared her. morning came, i hd a dream but all i remember is the guinea pigs. i woke up an i tried sitting up...it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. i debated for a long while on whether i would join stephen an ash for eggs an toast or not. i decided i was going to get up an eat that my body would feel much better if i did, an i wanted to spend that time with ash an stephen. i got up walked over there...i felt horrible but i am good at hiding pain, or i think i am. i took one bite of the eggs an i could not stand taking another bite. i love eggs an toast. i thot i was going to die tho. i sat there an all i could think to do was pray, the pain was go great i thot i was going to passout, an sleepingon that table as almost landed me on the floor...so, i kept praying. they left an i went back to bed. ash told me i had no choice. an i was not going to argue. i opened the curtains an unplugged the lights. i watched the snow for a lil bit. and so did cady. she came an got up on the couch with me for a bit. when i decided that i needed to stretch my legs out and that is when cady left. i layed my head down an that is all i remember. i was out. i woke up to cady pacing back an forth across the house, she kept coming an sniffing my face, i knew what she wanted. so i got up went to the bathroom an i put my shoes on, then i let cady out. she had to go potty. jess is like if i would have known or if she would have told me i would have let her out. i am used to two dogs coming an letting me know they want out, pacing the house waiting for someone to let them out. and dogs pace when they really have to go. i let cady back in an then joined jess at the table. i like to keep people company. jess asked me if i wanted anything so i let her fix me some oatmeal. i got almost half of it ate an then i could not eat any more. so we came in an started watching movies.
it is still snowing...this would be a perfect time to go thro holiday park. or just a nice drive. the snow is so pretty. it is wet an cold but it is pretty an i am glad i get to see it. it is so colorful.

yesterday aside from falling i hit my head in the bathroom, it sucked big time. i cried. just a few tears. i waited an i waited to see if anything would happen an i was real disy an lightheaded an i had trouble walking at first, i could not see well, and ten i was fine.

stephen an ash are on their way to the store, an then home! yay! and it is still snowing. i am feeling better. i just ate a cookie. today i was going to do dishes an try to do some other stuff to help out, but i slept most the day, an i would still be a sleep except if i slept all day i prob would not sleep tonight.

so i am not sure what is going on tonight, glee an rizzoli an isles comes on tonight. we could possibly go to the movies tonight. we will see.



so i have said how my memory is getting bad. this is what i mean. i cannot remember most of last week, or anything before it. i cannot remember how to count or my abcs that i learned. i do not always remember people, like, okay i feel bad for this, but i have woke up and i forgot who everyone else was...scares the crud out of me....boo on me...and i have not had this issue for a while...i do not think i have that is. i am good at writing because i do it every day, an often.
thursday i have a date with piglet...and sometime i have a date with shortie. and mcguire. i am not sure what i am doing next week..
my dad told me that the dogs keep wanting to go in an out a n that tthey miss me including my kitten. i laughed at that...stardust i think could care less if i was gone or not.

i miss bambam...we do not talk much at all, same with jasi. and to be honest i miss stephen an ash...haha now i gotta try an keep from crying.lol.

i woke from cady wanting out an i was covered in 3 blankets. ash blanket was on me an i was like wrapped in stuff. it was kinda nice.

now onto my night...beginning with coloring. :)

dear santa,

i have read over some of my earlier posts and i had a lot of dreams, hopes, wishes, which are all the same. right?!
i guess writing a letter to you is like praying to god. i believe that you got to be out there, just like i believe that there has to be a god out there. but i listen to my friends an i hear what they say an sometimes i think that they do not believe in you. and that is okay if they do not. - do you remember near the end of the polar express where the boy is waiting to see santa come out an he cannot see but he says he believes and that he can hear the sound? and santa gives him a bell as a reminder that he is real? i like that part. i like the whole movie. - i think you are real. you stand for hope for me.

i could ask for things that would go under the tree....like a huge stuffed animal, or a bunch of penguin stuff, new crayons, an animal stocking cap, legos, foot rests for the wheel chair, A PUPPY lol, an so much more. but these are nice things pretty things, but not what i want to ask for, not what i wish for.

i could hope to smile, to be comfy, to feel safe, to have fun, to speak, but i already have these things, or do not care to have them. i have those an so much more. i have amazing friends, friends who help me, who do what i cannot, who love me no matter what i do or what is wrong with me, an love me for me. so there is no need to ask for stuff i already have.

there is no need for stuff that i already have an stuff that i do not need.

wishing tho..wishing is different. wishing we put our biggest dreams, our biggest hopes, in our wishes. i have wished for many things before an have watched as they have stayed in the clouds.

i have wishes. i wish that there was no more fighting. i wish there was no more hunger, sickness, poorness. i wish everyone was safe, happy, peaceful, an loved.
these wishes are impossible.

my wish is that my friends are happy an healthy. that in some way i can make them smile even in the gloomest of moods. that i could be a good friend and be anything an everything they need. my wish is that my family would stop fighting, stop being strangers, an grow a strong bond, that food was not an issue, an that we would not have to worry about the house falling in on us, or even having a place to live. my granma would find peace an be happy with the life she has. bubbles bladder issue would be fixed an she could be an even happier pup.

see santa i could wish that i would not be so tired an weak all the time, or that i would not fall or stumble, that i could speak an think an be normal, but christmas is about giving an i want to give my friends the best, i want to give the world the best, i want to give my family the best.

so santa that is my wish, my hope, my dream, my christmas list. and i know that most of it will not be checked off but i can hope, cuz hope is another part of christmas, right??

have a safe trip santa,

baf

Christmas pt 1

so saturday night i slept without falling off the couch, without having a bad dream, there was a dream but i woke before it even started to get bad, and i did not fall off the couch. i woke up an ash was coloring at the table...it took me a while to figure out what exactly was going on if it was someone or the dog. or if i was just hearing things. i went an joined her. we then went an watched tv. and then i listened to them talk about church an which one to go to for like 2 hours. lol. we went to first baptist. tho i would have not minded going to flf or somewhere a lil more lively. haha. we got there walked in. took forever to get to a seat. then there was a group of people that sat in the front an got up an singed. i took my coloring book an my thin crayons so i would have something to do. my crayons died after they singed the first song or two. there were a lot of old people including the guy that talked a lot. i will give it to him that he could sing. then there was also a part where they skyped with someone. then they lit two candles. and i kept looking around the room, there was a lot of windows that they had colored on. the big one was pretty, the other was not. there was a lot of old people. there was a few kids an i was almost tempted to go and see if i could color with some of them. i was about ready to fall asleep an then it ended. ash liked it, so guess that is all that matters :D .
we left an went an got stephen ...we went inside an i decided to put the footrestless wheel chair to some use. when ever ash wants something, she uses me to get stephen to go or do something...which is funny, an we all know that most the time it is her. i am their granchild. they use me all the time to pester at one another, which is hilarious. we got up an they asked me where i wanted to go, i said hardees or bk or food. so we went to hardees. ash says blondes are ridiculous, and that is what she told me i was as we were leaving that church...then in the car she says i am not..but i am a dirty blonde...like that is my hair color...it does not sound good no matter how i put it...i have dark blondish brownish hair...even tho it is a bit redish, it changed colors some. we got to hardees an piglet, paul, an austin were working. piglet took our orders. i got the steakhouse thickbrger...it was amazing...except for the blue cheese when i got a taste of that by itself...yucko. the steakhouse is my favorite sanwhich from bk an now hardees has it. we got done at hardees an went to walmart to christmas shop. it is stephen's christmas so he did all the stuff. i pointed out stuff, mainly penguins an a dog that was cute. it is the only why i know how to say i like somethingor think it is cool by pointing to it, other than typing it out.  the dog had eyes like cady. we got home an stephen decorated the porch. then he wanted us to come out an look. i was cold. ash came over an kept me warm...i think the outside would have looked better with red bows, then you could see them at night, but it is pretty either way. then he came in an started putting the tree together. grandpa an ash took a trip to walmart n jess an i stayed here, after they told me i was not welcomed to go...jk, they wanted to go in an out in no time an that was not possible with me. so we stayed here an watched either madegascar or ice age.but i was almost out 2 times an then i decided that ineeded to get up an move so they could move the furniture. so i got in my wheelchair moved by the kitchen table pulled a chair out, put my legs up an covered with my blanket. i was really really tired. my legs were killing me, an my whole head brain included was trying to see if it could make me cry. - this is something that happens a lot because of the surgeries, or since the surgeries, an nothing ever seems to help except cuddling an sleeping, usu with bubbles. - he got most the tree up an then decided we needed to go to walmart again. by now i was in the corner of the meeting of loveseat an couch. and i told him i would go. so jess stayed here an we all went. ash was like what are we doing for dinner, i was thinking leftovers...and then they could not agree on something so i was like tv dinners. i could eat hungry man chicken every night no joke...it was something easy an did not take much time, an microwavable. we got this skillet thing instead. it was good. we got home an jess an stephen worked on the tree while i kept ash company while she made cookies and dinner. first batch of cookies were done an i tried one an ash had a big blow out, i mean, whoa! she flipped when i shrugged my shoulders an said that the cookies were just alright...o my goodness...haha...she was joking but then she told me i was sleeping on the couch....boo! i got up an tho i knew she was joking i think it scared me because at first i did not know she was, so when i got up to jokingly walk away, i almost started crying also...which was weird. i was tired...haha. i like the cookies they are good, that is all. lol. then ash asked me what i was doing for christmas...i told her i planned on spending it with them...cuz grandpa isnot really giving me a choice, he is holding me hostage...no joke! ;) . we ate...and as we were eating there was this sound like a bird coming from somewhere everyone else heard it even me but after a while i just figure we were hearing stuff. stephen thot i know what it was but i have no clue. then jess was talking with stephen an she has this thing where she just says the most funniest things..it is funny. she is funny. dinner was good. stephen was hungry...and rightly so. i was trying not to fall face first into my bowl. no joke. after din we finished the tree...- stephen was messing with the lights earlier and ash is like you need to change them from flashing before baf has a seizure...stephen was like baf you have seizures, and jess asked too, it was hillarious. so i was walking into the living room an jess was trying to block me from the tree lights as stephen was trying to fix them. all i wanted to do was lay down. - and then worked on stockings. ash an jess say mine is the best but THEY ARE FULL OF IT. no joke. i look at theirs an theirs is pretty mine is simple, and boring, and hard to see. but by that time my whole body was hating me an i could not afford to do much more. i followed ash into the kitchen and that is when i excited her an stephen decided to be nosy..and then ash got her hug...haha...yes! then everyone went to bed. cady got up on the love seat with me. i covered her up started to watch the rest of the movie an fell asleep. it was not for long but it was alright. i could not sleep...it was a on an off thing an it was a half asleep thing. i started to have this dream where i was this this really cute guy an we went into this building and crawled into this hole n there was something chasing me an i woke up... i did not see what was chasing me but if my phone would not have strated coc a doodle doyiing i would have found out. that ws the first night that i had left the tv on all night...i watched movies, an cartoons an cady stayed by me all night...she kept me nice an hot...she is a heater..no joke. i used her as a pillow an she had no problem with it. the tree stayed on all night too....it is very pretty...i felt kind of bad. one i leave my computer an fan plugged in all the time, it makes it easier to charge my phone an if you shut my fan off it usu takes forever to start back p an makes this horrible noise, but maybe i should unplug it because it has not been doing that here. an last night i used it for the sound only. two, the lights are on on the tree an porch an then i had the tv on. i do not want to make any of the bills any higher than they are.
well my alarm went off an ash came over an asked me if i was hungry i shook my head no an then she asked if i wanted eggs an i nodded...or i think that is what i did...and she was like ok...so you are not hungry but you want eggs...yep.. that is how i roll. she made eggs an toast. an i ate with her. her back is hurting her, an i have this theory...lol...just because i take all the blame anyways...i showed up an ash got a headach for a week, i hug her an now her back hurts, she asks stephen to help her with her phone an i killed it....yep....so....like we have established before, i am bad for the jones. lol.
stephen got up, an he is not grumpy in the mornings. he went outside....after searching for like ever...then he let cady out an left for work. jess got up come out and was going to watch tv with me but then lauren was on her way. jess has been gone the whole day. after she left i fell asleep for about 45 mins. then i woke an cady just rolled over...and i watched Good Luck Charlie christmas movie.  then stephen appeared for lunch. i went an sat with him. he is a funny kid. i love him!. yep. an i got, no, i want to give him a hug. he left an i went an showered. i let cady out while i showered...then i let her in. i ate a banana and then i and then i warmed up a snack. and stephen came home...then ash came home,,, then they left...an cady ran away an hid...and then it started getting dark outside an i was scared...no joke. so now we are all sitting and doing stuff.

so that has been my day apart from all the falling. my balance has been horrible today. no joke.
lately my memory has been sucking like crazy i feel like i am getting stupider by the freaking day, an my memory is really not doing me any good.and the fact that my dad tried calling me this morning just to tell me that my cat was playing with a mouse in the kitchen. i hate that...i love when he catches them but then someone else needs to get rid of the mouse..gross. an he wanted to tell me bubbles misses me...but she is happy!


so this christmas thing....i think a few eeks ago i knew what we had done for christmases past. i have no idea about a lot of stuff. i do not remember a single christmas so this is like my first christmas. which means that i have to be good because santa is watching...or that is what they say on tv. i think santa is cool. he was able to move super fast the other night at living windows....so maybe santa will grant me some wishes this year....dear santa....i wish....

the kid in me

so i had another idea for todays post but something else came up that needs to be put out there.
piglet brought it up an i thot well if she done it then others are too an it is my fault.

what you may ask? well...it is easy but hard. i am 22 years old. my grammar is that of someone younger, my mind tho is that of a lil kid, an my emotions are that of a baby-2 year old. like piglet said it depends on the aspect.

honesty time. this whole week i have just not been able to get over the urge to cry. an it has been every day. do not get me wrong, i am happy to be here an estatic to get to be around so many awesome people. i know what it was the night of the living windows, it was cuz i felt like a freak. and i know part of it is that little kid that i am.

when i was in the hospital i had security, i knew everyday who i would see, where i would be going, and what would be happening. i did not have to worry about anything, just trying my best. and there was nothing new, except when i was moved, and it was just new people and a different looking room. and it was okay to show that i was scared that i was upset, that i did not understand, that i was frustrated.
now i am out of the hospital an all that is different. there is some security but in so many ways i feel so insecure. i mostly know who i will see everyday, or where i will be going, an some of what will be happening. i have stuff to worry about, apart from things that you all worry about, i have to worry about my next step an if i can make it, how much strength i have, if i can put on a hoodie or jacket, etc. i have to worry about my spoons. i have to worry about rest an healing, now you may say that is nothing to worry about, but it is. and now everything is new, i have no clue what a lot of things are, but act like i do or just let people assume that i do. EVERYTHING is new, an people are new too. i may know you or have known you really well but if you were not talking to me constantly in the hospital than i just know of you. i am constantly scared. when people come in, or we go somewhere, i am terrified. i am constantly shaking, and it is a mix of fear weakeness an sometime coldness, but mainly fear. it may seem stupid to you but it is a for real thing. i shut down when new people walk in or when someone comes over. i hate it, because it is stupid, but i cannot help it. i am saying all this because i guess people think because my grammar is big kid talk that the rest of me is big kid everything also, but it is not true.

ash an i went to walmart. after living windows i really did not want to go out in public again. i was so embarraseed an not used to getting the freak stares. but i decided i was going to go  and get spend some time with ash. we got there walked in an ash got a wheelchair. i was expecting one of those stupid ones that we laughed at the other day but she came back with one that actually looked good. the door greeter person was very nice an helpful an we went through the store...let me just say foot rests are nice. lol. and i still got those freak looks but this time was a lot different from the living windows time. there were people who were nice an you could see in the face, or i could, that some did not think of me as any less than them. but when i am in a wheel chair, or if you sit down an you are looking up at people, that is how i feel all the time.

i am fine most the time around ash an stephen, because i know them. i know that they are awesome. i know they will help me, i know they will try their best to keep me safe, and i know that they are not scary, except in the mornings. lol...jk. i talk to them everyday. i talked to them almost everyday i was in the hospital.
same goes for piglet, shortie, and bambam. sure there are tiems that i want to close down an go hide under my blankets.
i am still getting used to jess.

i do not know my animals or colors, i am working on my numbers an letter. an yes i know some would think well if you can read then you should know your colors and everything else, but that is not right.

i am understanding what a baby feels like. feeling trapped. wanting to communicate but do not have the means or the words. being so full of so many emotions an just wanting to cry because that is the only way to deal with them even for a bit. seeing the world in a whole different way than adults see it.

i like cady being around. i like when i go to piglets an the dogs are there. i like when they come up to me an i can pet an play with them. i love it when they sit on my lap or right next to me an cuddle with me. that helps so much. animals give affections. they love giving it an they love getting it. i would love to get o n the floor an play with cady. when i play with the dogs or when they are laying right next to me, i forget all my fears. and i feel safe. an i let my emotions go an my guard down an i am just so happy, an smiley.

ash got me a coloring book. i was not sure what one way. but this one has puppys an kittys an other animals. i sat most the afternoon at the table just coloring. i like coloring. it is fun, and i get to make pictures pretty.
i like it when others color too.

today ash an i watched kid shows all morning. then we made pancakes, or she did, i offered to help. then we went to walmart. i got to see becky, she is nice. we came out an it was raining. we got home an i started coloring. i mde ash, stephen, cady, an jess a pic. i even wrote baf on them an tried spelling their names. but i do not know how to write anything past p...so ash had to help me. jess came home an they watched movies. i did not because the movie they were watching had my mom favorite actress in it an i was sad. so i just colored. i then was alost all the way asleep at the table an then i feflt my self falling to the floor an iwoke up. it was funny. jess fixed dinner an we ate. then piglet showed up. ash stephen an jess watched another movie, an piglet an i colored an read a nother chapter. we sat on the kitchen floor. i had told piglet that she might have to get one of the others to help get me up but she said she could handle it. in the end tho i was able to get up on my own.
an apparently i am very funny an give funny looks. piglet was turning dark from laughing so hard. it was hilarious. she thinks i am aweome and funny. and ash kept on laughing at the things my face was doing.

they were talking abot going to church. i told bambam i was scared, an i also told piglet this. i am not sure what to expect. i want to spend time with everyone an i want to not be scared but i am freaked out! it is the kid in me. so we will see what happens.

now i have to worry about sleep. i went to bed last night an then i woke at 128 and i thought it was morning. like 8. then i woke at 230something thinking the same thing. an i was up for a bit. i went an drunk some juice. then i woke up an i was on the floor. i had feel off the couch. it was not hard to get back up, well for the most part. so i hope tonight i sleep without falling, without sad scary dreams, and without waking up only an hour after i go to bed.

over all i feel like a jerk for keeping this all quiet an not realizing that i have to let people know where i am mentally an every where else. i am a kid stuck inside, i am a kid an i do not care. i cannot just grow up in a day...and i will not even try to.

sign this

i made the couch up and turned off the light. i layed down an covered up. the tv was on an it was cops, an kcmo cops none the less. i thot i would leave it on all night but then decided not to. i remember turning off the tv an that is it. i was out.
i had this horrible dream that half the world had exploded an to replace it was like the past. and people were entering it. tho warned not too cuz bad things would happen. well i saw bubbles in this world an i wanted her bt for the reasons konwn i knew i could not go get her.

so this am i woke with tears in my eyes an i almost started crying. but i got ahold of myself...but still boo.

i heard my alarm go off an it is what woke me. i was going to get out of bed but my body just would not let me. i listened as ash was eating an moving around, i felt bad. boo. no joke.

i decided yesterday that i was going to rest all day, well i did not sleep none or nap, but i did stay home all day. tomorrow .. we will see what will happen.
it is supposed to snow an freeze rain or so i have been told...the forcast changes like 2ice a day. but if it  is snowing an stuff, i do not know if i will go out any where...i have hard enough time as it is. my cane makes so much noise on the floor that it is hard trying to find a way to use it the way i need to an not wake everyone up. i have fell a few time while i have been here but it has not been that bad.

stephen tried improving the wheelchair by making a makeshift foot rest. it lasted about 1 second. it was hillarious watching him tho.

so stephen an jess woke up an went to central, and then came back an went to taco bell. we ate at the table. which is nice, i like that. they say it is eating as a family. we sat around an watched yes dear. then ash got home.
jess left to go to lauren's for the night.

i thought it was going to be an epic night, an not that it has not been, but it has been a good night. we got pizza, an have watching comedy shows all night. now ash is over on the loveseat with stephen a sleep.
i think i ate half a pizza.

all day my leg has been killing me. it has given out on me a few times. right now i cannot move it. what is funny is it feels as tho my leg is tensed up an i know it is not.

in no way do i mean to complain about anything in my blog posts unless i say i am complaining about it.

i got another voicemail from my granma...she said she talked to my dad a few days back an he was sobbing. so i texted him an i asked him if he was okay, he said yes, an i told him not to lie to me, he still said yes. i told him i am always here for him. my brother got moved today, an my sister is stressing him out. my dad never cries. i have only seen him cry once in my life. he is also having computer problems so i text him an told him you try this an that an then text me an let me know if it worked or did not work he has not text me yet. my aunt called all stressed out because my insurance stuff is on his computer. an this an that an she still has not go the tags on my car renewed.

then there is me. haha. i feel like a little kid during a big bad thunderstorm. i just want to hide under the covers and stay there. i feel really insecure. and i feel really bad, an in a small way an inconvienence...or somthing like that. i feel bad because i cannot do much to help out around here, an when i try offering or paying for something everyone is like no it is ok.

i have an app on my phone called sticky notes or colored notes an i use it to write down stuff so i do not forget. it is better than the notes an list that i keep on facebook cuz they are easy to find. i do not think we are going to accomplish much on that list bu tthat is ok. i am enjoying my time with ash an stephen an cady.

i told ash that cady only has somethng to do with me when others are here an she is like it is probably because you do not talk. i told her that yesterday or i put it in my blog. today cady got up on the couch with me after stephen made her an she kept rolling around an licking my face it was funny. she loves it when i rub her muzzel.

well....for now that is all. which was not much.