the last few days

Monday I will be going back to my dads house. It was going to happen sooner or later. And if I would have known what I do now a few weeks ago, I would have saved a lot of trouble and just stayed in st jo.


I do not get god at all.…. I think god hates me.

I am really frustrated right now and there is a lot I should say, but I cannot.

My dad is coming to get me on Monday, yay! I get to go home to an empty house, to a mess, to having to do everything on my own.


People think I am depressed, that I am never happy, but really I am happy most the time, I have a lot of trouble understanding things, and those are the things I blog about. There is a difference between trying to understand something and being depressed or sad. Yeah there are times I am sad but I spend a lot of time just trying to understand what is going on around me.

I watched hotel Rwanda, great movie….but people are fools. War is dumb. Mankind is killing itself and for what, to prove that one man is better than another? I wonder when we will get it through our heads that no one man is worth more than another, that we are all equal. I think we need to spend less time fighting and trying to prove who is better and more time helping one another out, trying to improve the world we live in. we are fools and that will not change until this race decides to grow up.

I think I need to take a nap. Me and peter. And cady. Or just watch the storm thro my window. I need to disappear into something other than my own head.

I read something the other day that basically said tell the ones you love that you love them often, because you cannot tell them enough and you may never get the chance to tell them again. Telling someone you love them is one of the best things anyone can receive.
I believe in this. So I tell people all the time. It just sucks that more times than not it is not said back.

I did not get that nap in. I did get to talk to jasi for a good while today. She is pretty awesome. She is someone I can talk to and she understands. And she just talks to me. So many people do not do that, they do not talk. They will say something and then that is it. And people wonder why I say that I feel left out a lot. I love just talking to people about anything and everything. And jasi talks to me about anything and everything. She told me today that I would probably get annoyed with her if we were in person and I said I would not be annoyed at all bt thankful.

Today has been a rough day….everything and everyone just seemed to want to just everything today. I spent most of the day jumping from conversation to conversation….most of which ended up me getting yelled at. My family is driving me crazy. My brother is about to get his ass kicked my me if he keeps up his lil jack ass act.

Tomorrow I may hang out with McGuire. I am going to finish my project…I have to make some changes to them.

Monday morning is going to be a fun morning. I am not looking forward to the afternoon, but am ready for that night. I got told by my aunt today that my room is a mess..o yay…maybe I will see if my brother will go stay at my sisters so I can sleep in his room. It would be nice. Infact I am going to text him about it in a bit.

Right now I wish I had some ice cream or m and ms. I am not much of a sweets person but I do enjoy those.

There is so much going through my head right now….or was now it just seems blank.

I think after dinner I am going to go to bed. Cady slept next to me last night, kept trying to push me off the bed. I think finally she got tired of me fighting her for the bed and moved to the floor….now she is trying to over take the loveseat….she is too funny!

Projects

Yesterday I started a project that I decided to do. It came to me on Sunday as I was sitting in church when it came to me.
So yesterday I started this project. Took me most of the day. I am still working on it. I just hope my work is well worth it.

I am still not sure how I am getting to St jo. Or where I am staying. But I think Tuesday or Wednesday is when I will be heading there.Stephen said that him and Ash want to take me there and they both have those days off. ...sigh. ...I feel like a jerk.

The last few days I have been in a horrible mood but today is better. I did not sleep well.. ...it did not help that I was making out with the wall. ...thank you Cady.

Tonight it is just Ash and I. Tomorrow I am going to get up. I am such a bum.

ughs!

i am sure i am catching something. i woke last night coughing and trying to breath. i can feel it coming.

i have not been sleeping well. i have tried to sleep different ways and nothing has worked. tonight i am going to put my feet at my head board and try it that way.

last night i watched courageous and then i started smurfs. i stopped after realizing that i could not stay awake to watch it all. i had a horrible horrible dream, it was exorcist worthy. at the end of it i had a seizure. it scared me. i pulled myself together and layed in bed for a while. i finished the smurfs movie.

the last few days i have just been in a pissy mood. and small things keep making it worse. i will almost be out of it and then something will happen and i will get pissed off all over again. i guess it does not help that i am tired and that my head is killing me, and now i may be catching something that will make me sicker than i am. and if i have to go back to the hospital, somebody shoot me before hand.

i made a new friend today. i am looking forward to getting to know her. i think i may have made two new friends today.

i am patiently awaiting to hear where i will be staying in st jo. i thought i knew but now i am not sure.

i am down to my last 20 bucks. 5 of that will disappear sunday for lunch.

jasi and i have been talking today and one thing she said, i like, so i am repeating uz it is true, and anyone who tells me it is not, can gladly take my place. here is what she said.
                               Not enough people understand enough to .... well, understand.
                              You're not 22. You died. And then you were born again, and not in the Christian way.

it is true. i think people forget this. i am working on getting to my physical age but it is going to take time. i think i am doing pretty damn good given the circumstances.

today i started a project and i am almost done with it. just a few more things and i will be done with it.

i am down to my last week here and it is weird.

i am going to go to bed soon. i do not have the spoons to stay up much longer and expect to make it to my bed.

passion

we all have passions, we all have that one thing that we are really passionate about. sara told me a few sundays ago that i was going to school for youth an family.

yesterday i woke up at 5 something in the am, took a shower and got ready to leave. i thought shortie had forgotten about me, but i was mistaken and she showed up to get me. i got to be a friend to her, which i do not get to be often. we got to church and started setting up. we got set up and then went to eat donuts. i ate two, i think, or three. i was hungry. some of the youth group girls showed up and i was being a brat and everytime they would come over to me i would take off. we sat in the front row and listened to music. the band was amazing. it was nice to see faces that i knew, or that i was getting to know. it was good being around some very nice people. it was great being front row with the music playing. everything just seemed to disappear and i was smiling, which i do but not like i was right then, and i felt that tug in my heart but it was not as bad at it used to be, and i felt at peace, like that is where i wanted to stay. right there in that moment.
we went back and finished. kelly came in and gave me a hug. i do not expect hugs, but it is great when i get them. we went into trek time and did the song and communion. i had met some of the helpers that had not been there for a while. one was really nice, i do not remember her name, but she was a school teacher at the high school and now is a teacher in hallsville. she stood around and was patient while i typed out my name and told her that i had gone to central. she was really nice.
we broke off and went in to our own room with the 3 year olds. there was this lil black girl and she just smiled and it was a cute smile. we played a game and did the lesson on adam and eve. at the end the kids kept on asking who is he, referring to me, and sara and amanda were like she is brittany...it was hilarious. we went back into trek time and finished with them.
this really tall guy came over to me and was like hey brittany, he was with a woman and i am sure i have to know them. they have 3 kids. one was in our class. it was the first high five that i have given to anyone. hahaha. it was an experience.
we cleaned up and headed out. amanda and i went back to her place and watched in plain sight. i am really good at getting people into tv shows. and other things. lol. val and justin got home. i got to hold elijah for about 30 mins. he has a strong grip, i was surprised. he is sooooooooooooo cute. he spit up on me 3 times. haha, i did not mind.
we decided we were hungry, and sara had left after finishing making me a hat, which i love. and we decided to go to subway. it was good.
i was going to go to youth group but there was really no one to bring me home from the college. and i am iffy about riding in a car full of guys, just saying. and then i got a text from stephen saying that him and ash wanted to talk to me. i was sure i was in trouble even though they said i was not. i decided that what ever it was i wanted to get it over with, tho shortie said she would keep me forever. she was going to hide me under her bed and feed me the crums...lol. jk.
shortie brought me home and they ate dinner. then they sat on the couch and we talked. haha. there was only one part that made me feel like i was in trouble. but, i do not care now. it was to set in stone the moving to st jo. which i was sure was set in stone. infact the rock is outside. lol.
i sat around for a bit and then i decided to go to bed. i was tired. i started watching the bucket list, i thought it dragged out the beginning. so i stopped it and went to bed.
i woke up early, after having a weird dream. one which i do not remember. i sat p and got a bloody nose, so i hurried and took care of taht. than i went and sat in with ash. we ate breakfast, i did dishes, and then went and finished the bucket list. i may or may not watch it again. i watched traffik, which i did not really get, and i watched half of blood diamond. i am trying to finish the movies i borrowed like two weeks ago from the jones so i can return them and borrow one or two more. lol. we went to china garden for lunch. it was actually good today. we got home and i did nothing for a bit. everyone left. i swept the living room and picked up hair. ash got here and we sat around for a while. she made hamberger helper for dinner, which was great, and now we are watching tv again.

shortie told me yesterday that she really likes that i love just spending time with people and not wanting to do anything with people. which is true. i may say i want to do something with people, but really i just want to be around people, i enjoy time with people.

back to the beginning. passions. i really love being part of trek time and encounter. i love hanging with the kids and the youth, maybe because i can be more of who i am in my head around them. i hope i can get involved with a youth group and not for just a month. the kids have been texting me and facebooking me and hanging around me and i really like that. i really like being around the kids and youth, no joke.

sunday i was not at my best. bert asked me if i was doing better and i shook my head yes, but i felt bad for it. the whole day i had felt so out of it like i could have passed out at any time. i was exhausted and had only been up for 3 hours. my feet were killing me and my whole head hurt. my wisdom tooth is still coming up, and that does not help.
lately i have been feeling that i have been out of it. i have been doing the craziest things. like panting like a dog, enjoying the smell of dog food. i was getting some applesauce the other day and i put the applesauce into the cabinet. i felt so dumb....but that is stuff i have been doing. or i was writing someone and i sent something that i have no clue where it came from and it made no sense, and i have been doing that a lot too. sigh. haha.

the youth group kids have told me they missed me, they know my name, they think i am awesome, and nice, and they enjoy having me around. it would be great to be able to come back and visit or later this year that i would be able to come back and be a part of things for more than a month or two.

i am preparing myself tho to go back to st jo. i need to start preparing myself for all that is going to come in the next few months, esp april. i am so out of the loop with things right now, but it sorta does not bug me.

so there it is. my blog post for two days. i went outside and stood on the porch looking out into the neighborhood with cady adn stephen. it was such a beautiful day. it was a great day for the most part. boy i am going to miss this!

my blog

just to let people know this is my blog. just saying, if you do not like something i say, get over it or get lost. --this is what i told a friend last night when they said something about starting a blog.

i went to bed last night thinking if i put my phone on the usb to charge i can use it no problem. well i did, and it died 3 times on me. so i waited 5 mins to turn it on and then it stopped dying. i was trying to continue my conversation with kendra and then it finally came to the point where i was like i might fall asleep on you, just to let you know.

i woke up at 530 this morn, no i did not stay up either. i went back to sleep at 6. i woke up at 830...and boy did i hurt, i was not sure if i could move or not. i sat there listening to the voices coming from the rest of the house....and it was not talking, it was yelling..and not bad yelling, stephen has def been very much like peeves lately. it is hilarious.
i finally came out of my room and we had breakfast it was good. i washed most the dishes, when i went to start them i got very pissed off.
kendra and i started to chat again. i got dishes done and have been sitting at the table most the day. i was in a pretty good mood, and now i am just pissed. there are certain things that i am done with. i am fed up, and i will not tolerate it anymore.

thing about me is that i do not get offended easily or pissed off easily, i hardly ever get angry, i usually get frustrated, but saying i am pissed off and fed up, than i am really done with something.

i am waiting for sara mc an ashley m to show up. we are going to hang out. it will be good to see them.

kendra keeps telling me that i am one of the sweetest people she knows. hahahahaha. i am a jerk. today, i have been an asshole. true story. i could have been a major ass but i decided that it was not worth it. mainly because i am FED UP. lol. i am not sweet at all.

so i said i was going to talk about my health today. well right now i am pissed and therefore my body is tense. the last few days i have been getting a horrible headache. i have not had one like these in a while. they get so bad that i have to close my eyes and just stop everything. i am going back wards in my health. i keep wondering if the meninjitis is going to pop back up, and it is possible. ugh, i do not think i could do another 4 months in the hospital. and what is worse is that meninjitis is contagious. so no visitors.....grr....lol. it is kinda one of those shoot me now things. i do know that i need to go see a neurologist, but that will prob not happen. well i think that is all i am going to say about my health for right now.
i am hoping to get on food stamps and medicade/medicare.

bambam and i have not talked for a while but i am thinking about going to visit her....sometime within the next 6 months. given that i can an am not in the hospital or dead.

6 months, that is how long i am not able to drive legally. which when april comes may have to start at day 1 again. i do hope that this whole seizure thing dies off, it would be nice. i am not sure when the last time i had one was. i am sure it is in my blog somewhere.

people keep asking me what my favorite color is and i do not have one. i would like a quilt...i know it is random but i keep seeing them on pinterest and they seem so cool.

well time to go eat. boy did i eat too. it was sara treat, mostly. we went to taco bell and then we went to mcdonalds. it was weird. she kept showing me photos and videos from college and i kept thinking, well on certain photos, what in the hell was up with my hair, and two, it is so weird, i do not remember any of it.
my phone died at taco bell...the last person i talked to on it was stephen. i think i confuse him a lot, which is funny.

sara was eating ice and she says it is cold and i was like duh. on our way there this truck was at the gas station and he looked like he was waiting to pull out and out he pulled almost causing us to run right into him. sara yelled, and it was the first time this whole time i have been here that i was actually scared for a sec from driving around. my chest had hurt. i thought i was going to have a heart attack.

at mcdonalds sara got busy and i watched fox news. i am intregued by the news. they were doing this special on the cruise ship that wrecked, and then a piece on a woman who cannot run for office because she cannot speak good english though she was born and raised in the us, and then they did this thing on the occupy movement, and a train that crashed in cali. the best part was listening to palin indorse gingrich in the president election.

we left and sara dropped me off. WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF....cady was barking at me and then so excited to see me that she riped her lead right out of the ground. she would not let me walk or go up the steps...she kept trying to jump up to lick my face. i walked in and things seem eriee around here. the whole day has seemed kinda that way. maybe it is just me.

tomorrow is going to be fun. we are going to be in with the 3 year olds again. i am going to take my laptop, my phone charger and wall plug, and maybe a book. i am not sure what is going on tomororw or how it is going to work. i am thinking that next sunday will be my last sunday. if i am not mistaken that makes it super bowl sunday.

if so then that makes it 5 years since the first time one of those boys stepped into my life. well feb 4th to be exact, i think. which means taht they can no longer be tried for that offense. which sucks but that is life.

today has been an iffy day. there were parts that i hated, there were parts that i loved, and there were decisions i made.

i am not looking to be anyones hero or be looked up too. i am just looking to be me. we all have a story. we all have struggles. we all go through tuff things. i believe that not one struggle is greater than another. we should focus on living life, getting through our pain, and help someone else get through theirs.

i can honestly say life is good, even when i feel like it sucks. and that is coming from me. nothing is stopping us from making everyday a good day, nothing that is but ourselves. i hardly ever let anything keep a smile off my face, so why should you?

refreshing

today has been another great day. this morning i woke up at 4 and have not been back to bed since then. i am surprised taht i did not wake up at 12 something like i usually do.
i guess i want to be a dog because yesterday i was panting with my tongue sticking out as i was scratching my head, and then as i was taking stuff to my room to go to bed, i smelt something good, and it made me want to eat it and then i realized it was the dog food...i thought a bout it for a bit, no joke!

ash and i ate breakfast and then she left. i guess the place stephen is working for is looking for people who know sign. it would be good if i was good at signing. i did dishes and then watched smallville. i decided to work on my farm on facebook. stephen an jess got up and i was then watching police woman.

so jess is sitting there and she is like, i do not like woman as cops, they yell a lot and are mean. i just stared at her like seriously. when i grow up, i want to be a freaking cop, even more than that. and if you think about it, when you think of women you think of a loving nature, so therefore they have to be mean and yell to get their job done. i cannot wait, and i hope taht i can do it, i thrive for the action and adventure.

stephen and i spent a while talking. it made me feel a lot better. and it really was not much that we talked about.

yesterday i got, yea it was yesterday or the night before, but i got a friend request from a friend from high school. i was just thinking about her too. we have spent most of the day talking, we are still talking. it is nice. i look forward to seeing her when i get back to st jo, her an her husband. i went to high school with both of them. kendra told me that they want to take me out to dinner when i get back.
it has been good talking with her. i am glad she is back in my life. she is a great friend. the more i talk to her the more i feel alright about returning to st. jo. it is more the knowing that i have friends and support there.

it is good having true friends. i love the friends i have.

it is sorta snowing and sleeting out. i was talking to jasi and boy did we have a short but great convo. in a bit i am going to do dishes and then go to my room an go to bed. last night i watched one of the 150 cartoon discs half way and i went to bed.  tonight i will probably do the same thing.

i feel like things are getting back to normal around here. even i am starting to get real comfortable. one thing you should know about me is that i am reserved because i cannot really communicate, or it seems pointless at times to try. but if i am really really comfortable i become more like me. i am like a lil kid, i will bounce around, hum if i can, bob back and forth, sorta dance, and you can tell, i am relaxed. i am sure everyone in the house has seen a glimpse of it. cady sees it all the time.

cady likes cuddling with me. she gets under the covers with me, sits next to me on the couch, lately she waits and ignores everyone for as long as she can and hangs out with me. earlier today stephen was messing with jess, and jess was trying to get cady to move because of what stephen was saying, cady sat up and just stared at her....bubbles does the same thing to dustin....it is that look that says touch me one more time, try to make me move, or touch my person and i will kick your ass. it was hilarious. i do not know why dogs do that but it is funny.

maybe i will just wait until tomorrow to do dishes. i am pretty tired. tomorrow i am going to write about my health. i should be a good weekend. i am excited about sunday, not only for church, but the jones will have the house to themselves for half the day.

fact time. three of my best friends have the last name jones and are married, stephen and ash, and lonnie and becka.....and then, did you know that wolves go out to hunt and when they come back to the pack other wolves would come up and lick the mouth of the hunter wanting the hunter wolf to puke up what they had ate, so when a dog licks your face, most of the time it is because they want the food that you ate. this one is out of place but the average age of a thanksgiving turkey is 9 months.

well i am off to bed i think.

pizza hut

last night was as good as the rest of the day had been. or maybe a bit better. i went to sleep and i woke up at 1230 and stayed up til 1 then slept and was up at 3, have been up ever since. i had a scary dream. this may sound stupid to you, but my mentality switches between ages, and last night was def a children mentality night.
i was in the house i am sure i grew up in. there was this giant saint Bearnard bumble bee. it stung me. (so this bumble bee was a huge bee, and it looked like a saint bearnard on wings. and when it stung me i could still feel the sting when i woke up) i thought i would just shake it off and then my hand started getting huge, turning colors and it really hurt. i went to my dad and i said my hand is not supposed to do that is it? and i just stared at it and that is when i woke up. i am not kidding when i say i was scared that a saint bernard bumble bee was going to get me. i even looked at my hand as it still hurt to see if i could see the stinger.

i know i am pathetic. i was terrified because of this dream so i did not go back to sleep. i got on my phone and did facebook for a bit and then i decided to move to the kitchen so i would not wake anyone up. i sat at the table and watched the rest of the first dragonball z movie. then i started watching pineapple express. while watching these things i finally got my pinterest account set up. and then my brother texted me which i was not expecting. he was all freaked out yesterday because he could not get this site to work, it was like the end of his life. this morning he wanted my netflix account stuff...which i had given him before. i do not mind him having it because i am paying for it and i hardly ever use it.
ash woke up and we had breakfast. i guess yesterdays blog post gave her a good laugh. then she was leaving for work and she said this coffee does not taste good with tooth paste. i said, i have never heard of anyone putting toothpaste in their coffee. i knew what she meant but it was still funny. and then i remembered a time i was skyping with the jones, and we were talking about cady and her hair...and i had said something and then stephen said oh we just use the broom...i think i said you sweep the dog....i was in the hospital...but once they explained it to me i felt a fool. it was hilarious. so i was in the chair this am cracking up. plus when it is early in the am i just laugh.
ash left and i took a shower. stephen was up and then jess woke and we spent almost all morning in the living room just doing nothing basically. no that is a lie...stephen i think lost a marble or soemthing, it was hilarious! he kept on trying to cover jess up with the blanket so they were both warm, and both using the same blanket, and then they kept scaring one another, flooding each others inboxes, and then stephen decided to call lauren over an over and over like 20 times with his an jess phone. it was funny to watch.
they both got ready and left for work. i swept, did dishes, picked up some and that was basically it. ash got home and we decided we were hungry but did not want to cook, so we went to pizza hut with lauren and kevin. shortie joined us. it was a fun night.
now we are home getting ready to watch tv.

i am glad i did not decide to back out of posting yesterdays post. it helped me feel better, prob because all that had been just building and it seemed everyone was busy and so i did not really have anyone to talk too. i mean i did but people were working, sick, or just busy and i did not want to bother anyone.

i did get to talk to my big sis becks today for a bit. it was good. i miss her. she makes me smile. and it was good spending time with ash, and then seeing shortie. i really enjoy the time i get with people. it makes me feel good!

i have not talked about my health and i am not going to unless someone asks about it. i just figure it is not that important, so no need to blog about it.

i am excited about sunday. sundays have become one of my favorite days of the week. it is sad that i do not get to see anyone at the house the whole day, but i do enjoy sundays. i get out the whole day and i get to go to church and i do not know. does anyone else ever feel like their heart is attached to a fishing line, and you are hooked and you can feel a tugging? i am not sure what it is, but every time i go to the church i just feel a tug. it is like my heart is telling me something and i wish i knew what.

last sunday we, mcguire and i, walked in and started setting up lil pebles and flinstones, and brooke and lauren were sitting and sara walked up to them and brooke told sara something then said where i could here, you can tell your friend i said that. brooke is the age of alan, i am 6 years older than her. she told sara that she had prayed for me because she felt like i needed it. the whole time i have been here a lot of people have come up and told me they prayed for me. i just do not understand, they do not know me, but they pray for me. it is strange, but nice.

i think i need to watch where i walk. all day today, i have been tripping over the back door floor thing, and then i about fell in my bedroom from my blanket moving under my feet, sigh.

today i am happy, yester day i was happy, and the day before i was happy, so this week has been a good week. i hope it ends as good!