happy halloween...me hope

happy halloween!

me member when we lived on Jules my dad would go all out for halloween an christmas. him would decorate our um forum an living room with boxes an totes full of decorations. lights, animation, all sorts of stuff. our duplex was creepy as was tho. it was crazy. there was some thing in that house. me no believe in ghosts but me do believe in evil things. me dad swears him saw ghost.

last night me watch storm chasers again at 11. then me watched that 70's show, everybody hates chris, and an episode of family matters. me like holiday themed episode of shows.

it has been a long morning. me went an done pt. will do it again in the early pm. try to build muscle back up. work on write, or scribble. an memory games.

me is on soft diet. just to make sure me stomach can handle stuff. applesauce, icecream, soup, broth, yogurt, pudding, mashed tatos, oatmeal. hope by wed me can start harder stuff. it would be great!

so me doc say it is ok for me to help pass out candy to kids. so yay. me love kids. them smile is like a angels kiss. it warms the heart. an the laugh is like a song from heaven. lol.

me is go to be scary. me is go as meself. lol. that is scary.

lot of the nurses are dressed up, long wit docs, an therapists, it makes it a bit fun round here. me guard even dressed up as a police officer, haha haha ha....
the other two one is a ninja, an the other is a lawyer...that is scary. lol

no investigation feed today. them is let me enjoy tv...haha.. it is me treat...now me has pull a trick on them. lol

so me is watch Munsters. Alvin an chipmunks frankenstein movie. then from 5-8 is trick or treat. which me is excited for.

me is sad for me friend jasi. her lost a friend an her is all sad. her is real good at write stuff tho. me wish me could help ease her pain.
stephen is go as a zombie nurse rockstar something. it is pretty scary. lol. no joke. haha. think me would pee me self if him walk into me room. no joke. haha
me miss bambam. noooo joooke. me hope her is alright. me worry bout her. me think her is part elf. just say. there is a reason for that. lol.
me miss shortie an piglet an kara. no joke.

what is funny is ash use no joke last night. her say her talk to me too much. but that it is a good thing. her is pick up on me mannerisms. just hope it is only the good ones. lol.

it is sunny outside. me was freeze all night. me got 8 1/2 hours of sleep. me is still tire. not sure if this is a good thing or not.

pt is a pain in me body. no joke. this build muscle thing is build pain thing instead. but me hope that by the end of the week me can move round on me own, me mean move not walk or anything. tho that would be nice.

so me is real worry bout me bambam.me wish me could do so much more for her than what me is. me is bout ready to break all the rules, no joke, just to let her know what her means to me. that tho this world may be try to break her down, that her is rock hard. they can chip her, but they will not break her. her is an angel. when you is round her you feel piece of heaven. and the only vibe you get from her is complete an total love. no joke.

pass out candy was fun. some of the kids were scary, like me was kinda scare to give them candy. then there were the real little kids that were sooooooooooooooo precious an adorable. no joke! me did have a bad moment so me was out for about 15 mins, but then me got back in on the action. kids kept call me him an sir, boy, guy, man, yep. haha.

one of the nurses brought me a treat. starbucks. lol. the psl. pumpkin spice latte. me is not sure what me is go do wit rest of me night tho me has idea.

me hope everyone has had a safe good halloween!

tea

i was woke up at 820ish something this am, to yum applesauce. me ate it an then me went back to sleep til 1pm. 14 1/2 hours of sleep.

ash kept me company as me watched the wizard of waverly place apartment 13b 4 episode saga. me was so tired that it was hard to stay awake to watch it. but me did. and then me fell sleep.

me has spent me day checking the tv guide to find shows for me an ash to watch. an waiting for ash to get home. it is kind sad, me know, but, me is bored all day. me lays in bed all day wit nothing to really do. internet gets boring after while. pt starts tomorrow, but that only gives me a few hours of non boredom. and most me friends are working or really busy, or do not really care to talk to me. so even tho me is not very good company me is excited when me an ash get to talk. an yeah me has a guard in me room an nurses, docs, an techs that come in every so often but the guard does not really want to anything to do with me, he is always ready to get his shift over. at night there are only two guards, an neither are in my room. nurses are always busy. so me is real happy when me gets to chat or skype with people.

me really liked the cards that bambam an mama canady sent. them both were a bluish green. me thot them had talked about them, lol, there was a patern. the lettering was awesome an the color was too. an them writting is really good, lol.
me try an read me cards every day. me has the nurse take them off whatever table them is on an bring them to me so me can read them. then her sets them back up round me bible.

ash told me to make a list of things to do wit her when me go to visit her. so me is go start that tomorrow. one thing that keeps coming up between ash, stephen, an me is Seattle. no joke. no joke. NO JOKE. it is not a purpose thing, it just happens..
me an ash talk bout lots of stuff.

one thing that has been bug me is this whole move thing. me granma is make me feel so bad bout moving an me is think her is right, that it will not happen. me just do not know if me can leave me granma here without someone to take care of her like me do. so there is something for people to pray bout.
ash say when you get to washington you can get a pup. hahaha. that would be awesome, an would help ease stuff, but do not think it will happen. lol. just for fun, me think me would either want a real HUGE dog, or a real SMALL dog. like a real small chiwawa. hahahaha. or terrior. me has always wanted a dog that had a disability, or that most people would not want. a blind dog, missing one eye, 3 legs, or that has some kind of disease that makes it walk funny or something. or a dog that is an older dog. most older dogs die in pounds. i hate shelters an pounds that are not no kill. any way, that is me lil trail.
these are the two things that real bug me bout moving, me granma an leaving me bubbles behind. but as me said before, bubbles elvis an stardust are best friends, an there is no point of breaking her heart an elvis'.

people keep asking me what i would like when me get out of here. here is a list of some things that me would like:

- pumpkin pie, all those of you who are talk about it, me is jealous, it is me fav kind of pie. - steak...me aunt told me them was have steak in one of her texts, me loves steak. a1 steak sauce. fried or cooked mushrooms. mash tatoes with ranch. so good. - spaghetti, but me fav is me dad's an me has not found any as good as his.  - ice cream, me know me get it in here, but hey , me love ice cream. - beer battered chicken. it is good stuff, me has no ever had beer because me think it smells nasty an there fore taste the same.  - breakfast, real breakfast. double choco chip waffles.

this is all me can think of lol.


3 1/2 weeks til me is hope go get out here. then week or two later or few days later me hope me get see some me friends. this week is last week of investigation. them can not do much more in it, an have to check things out. me is thankful for this.
me is hope that me is go be able to say few words when me is out here. me can spell in asl. well pt starts morrow, so me is think that me is go be able to do more than me can do now, when me get out here.

morrow is halloween. if the doc lets me me can help pass out candy to the kids that are in the hospital. that would be great.
week of nov 1st is one me fav days cuz candy is always real cheap. so if you want get me some, me will love you foever. an christmas nusic starts. yay.

me has be listen to lot of what is called christian music. me real like it. no joke.

today me has be good. cept me keeps get warm an hot. but me think it is me get back to me self. i hope so. me temp is 100.5 . has not be over 101.

me watch once upon a time an it was real intense. but good, so, mama canady, me love the show! some is wrong wit ash internet so we is not chat no more.
storm chasers is com on in 9 mins. yay! me is watch jonny bravo.- O mama! - lol.

me had dream bout tornado last night. then me had dream tha ash an stephen were here wit me. it was nice. me slept real well.

me is go watch storm chasers. an then prob wizards an go to sleep.

o. the tea thing. me has be drink tea all day. me loves tea. me fav is chai tea. me do wish me had flavored tea.

Cards

me got no sleep last night. some every hour but it was on a few minutes every hour. me sister kept facebook me. her was full of many emotions. so me stay up wit her. tho we were in two dif hospitals in two dif places, we sort kept one nother company. her got to go home today. me did not. lol.

me watched a lot of disney most night an morning. me did watch bugs bunny!!!! :O o ya!

me got to chat wit stephen for bit. me is pose to chat wit ash later.

me room is very nice. me has room for 7 or 8 people to sit comfy. maybe 9, lol. me has two tv. one for me one for guest. a table wit three chairs. a huge bathroom. me has HUGE window. but if you look out it it is windows all round. boo. me room also has a temp adjuster an me can mess wit it! there is no blinds just curtains. the nurses, lpns, an tech come in all time. one of the guards gets to sit in me room. there is a line down me tv tho, but it is ok. lol.

me got 2, yes, 2 cards today! one from mama canady, an one from bambam! they are both awesome! both the cards are too!

me is watch disney an nick, it is halloween stuff on. wizards is go be on soon!!! me is also talk wit ash.

me had a bad moment today, it was first one of day. me has lot on me mind an it no helps that me has not sleep much at all.

today has been an ok day. it is short. me did not want to have a rant. me is curious bout me future.

just to hear you say it...

yesterday me blog me sound very frustrate an like a jerk. me is a jerk. a big one. an me do not care. no joke.

me got to talk wit ash a bit yester night. me think me made her mad tho. me was hope to get to talk to stephen, but me think him is real busy an him need him sleep so him can feel better.

me has few friends that are go thro some hard times an it seems like there is nothing me can do to help. it frustrates me.

me dad found out that it is just him alternator, or him hope that is all it is. me sister has an abscess in her throat. me family is all mad that me is not there. them say me do not care, or me would make an effort, an that me is not a good sister.

this day has be kind of a long day. me was up til 4 am. me just could not sleep. me sleep til 11. me tv broke an them is work on get new one, so me got out of interview feed.... (sarcastic) it is so sad. watched wizards of waverly place for while. then me napped til 1 30ish. at 3 me was told me sister was in hospital. 4 me fever broke. hope it is for good this time.
me feel better wit the fever gone. the pain game real has not changed much. me bad moments have real went down to maybe one or two a day. them say this may be a thing that happen eve once in while. me has not be puke lots. few time a day. physically me is get better, me think, me hope. personally me still feel like a horrible person.

me is frustrate wit the fact that me cannot take care of me friends. me cannot find a single way to make any part of their pain a little lighter. i hate it. just the way me hate that i cannot be there wit me family.

look like me will get out here the week of thanksgiving. if anyone is have ham, me would love some! me is ready for turkey too. me is ready for real food. steak sounds real good.

me is not sure what me is do for me weekend. sleep me know that. but me is not sure. real have no plans. so anyone want to do something?....

me is go to hate say this but it is how me feel. me feel that me should stay off facebook an me phone for while an just let me friends be. me feel things wold be lot better for them. nothing bout  me is help anyone. i just feel that if anything me is make things worse for persons.

me cannot access me  netflix or youtube or pandora. sadness. some reason it is not work for now. so me is stuck wit the tv them did replace. me is glad for that. or me would real be bore out me mind.

one of the nurses is bring me a strawberry milkshake. it is go be yum. me is glad. but it is secrete so no tell, lol.

life is not always easy, an when you are sick it is really not easy. if it had not be for my friends, i would have not make it this far, or prob even be here. them are what gives me hope. them are the reason why me is press on in my adventure.

4 days

me is go do this tho me do not want too. i is in a not care ing boat. think more of it is me is tired, an mad, an a bit hurt.


monday me wake up an i was real sick. me mean, me fever was 107.2, an me will save you from rest. me go into coma later that day. i woke up yesterday morning just to find out that while me was out them had done another surgery. the coma had save my life an the surgery had help. it was small one.
me spent most day sleep ing yesterday. i is still tired so me has be nap lots. me has be stay off me laptop for most part.

me is real frustrate by my family. or more by what is go on wit them. persons will tell me not to worry, but them is me family.
there is on one car between me aunt, me dad, an i. an it would be me car. me dad's engine is have a serious problem. me car is die soon after started an the shock mount is come loose. so me car is go be on car between 3 persons for the whole winter. this sucks. means me can no go out town on me own, an once me get home me will be run round for everyone do every thing.
me sister is causing all sorts trouble for me whole family. an me brothers are not help. i keep tell me sibs that them has to stop this bs drama of thems. our dad is o most 60 an he can not take the stress that them cause. them do not care. them are assholes. i can say that because me know it to be true. just say.

me is hope me get more hours. which mean me will no be able to go out town much but me need the money to save up.

me is think me is set me self up for failure. hope too BIG. may be me granma is right. washington is probably another empty dream. me no want it to be but it seems like it. me has so many fears bout go there an about not. i can not help it.
i feel like that once me get out here that me will just end up back in here.
me wonder lot, what is me life on earth pose to be. so me has start that story and it is base round death.

me pray lot. to who ever god may be. an me tell this god that me is frustrate wit this whole mess of a life.

death is but the final destination of every single soul that enters this life. from the minute we are born we work toward death. think bout it.

skype

yesterday had be the best day of whole time me has be sick. no joke.

me got to see pictures from ash an stephen wedding. it was so cute! me is hope them is have a great time on them honey moon.
in the pics me got see michael an sarah, valerie an justin, sara, an lauren an kevin. it was nice to see them faces. them is all awesome!

bambam skype wit me gain last night real earl e this am. me got to see her mom too. me think me found nickname for her. casper. caring, amazing, sweet, persistant, encourage ing, and real real cool. hahah. it is all true. we will see what mama canady think tho. me will still call her mama canady but also casper, if it is ok wit her.
it was real good to get to skype wit nikki 2 times an wit her mom too. it was good to skype wit ash for bit too. made me feel lot better, an for once no alone.

me dad sent me message say that him visit me granma an me granma do not believe me is go move to seattle. me know it is more of her no want me to go. makes me feel real bad. me love me granma lots. an me do not want to break her heart. so me feel like jerk.
me aunt say her need money. so me gave her 40, well me had some one do me bidding for me. it was prob a stupid thing me did, but next month me has to pay for tags on me car. car me no even use most time. an me aunt say her lost the car insurance her have on it, so me has to find an pay for car insurance because it is my car. her no care me in hospital. good thing it is due in november an not on a certain day. it is still frustrate.

me made promise to bambam that me was go try sleep. so me put in phantom of opera. me love the song angel of music. me shut movie off before me fell sleep. me is go finish it tonight. me went sleep round 330 am. me sleep til o most 2. me got up for bit an then went back sleep at 4 til o most 7. me eyes hurt. like crazy. me had a bad dream. me was cry in me dream an o most outside me dream too. me was fight the cry. me no member dream but me do member it was real bad an me was cry.

me hear it was a pretty day out....boo.

me is no read for morrow. me just wish we could skip to tuesday. it is not go to be a good day. an one the worst parts is me has got to face it prob on me own. you may think it is stupid, but if you have no lost a parent, then lil advice, never tell someone that you should be over it by now. you never get over it. in a way you do, but real you do not.
plus me has to watch live feed of the interview and then me has meet wit some persons, an them is go be in me room. yeah me like idea of persons in me room but me not like the reason why them is there.
an then me is also go start pt back up.
me has 2 words for all this = total hell. no joke!

me watch once upon a time an it was alright. me is also watch storm chasers an it is episode with joplin tornado.

me is do good at save me pay checks. when me get out me is pose to get more hours. yay! when me get out me is go to eye doctor. then me is go buy me frames off line. no joke!

me health has be pretty good this weekend. me has no had that many bad moments. just a few.

me has put tags in me blog posts so persons can click on a tag an find all the posts of mine that um talk bout that word.

me is tire. so after storm chasers me is go play few games on facebook an then me is go ing to go to sleep.

WED day

yester nite me temp went back up to 105.9. right now it is 106.2. me could no sleep so me watch movies all nite til 6, n then me fell sleep. me sleep til 830.

me talk wit bambam yester nite. me love her. her is one me heros. her is so strong even when her think her no. me is learn so much from her. her is a mazing person, friend, an sister. her say her is go skype wit me sometime day. :D that make me happy!

me felt kind bad that me fell sleep. me is one who say me is alway there, an it no matter the time that you can alway text me or call me, well cept now you can no, an me will be there when you need me. well ash text me just after me fell sleep. me felt bad cuz this was one those times me was no there.

today is ash an stephen wed. pose to skype it for me. even if them do no, me is happy for them. them has be wait long time for this. even tho it short time, it has be long in them minds. me is sad that me will no get talk wit either one them for o most a whole week but it is ok. them is go have fun on them honeymoon. me know where them is go, but them no know that me know. lol.
shortie ask me if me had gift for them an me say me sort do. me is no good at shop for wed or birthday or anything. haha. me use has some one wit me who is good at this stuff, or me has someone do it for me. lol. me is go make them some tho. when me can do stuff wit out it look like a baby done it.

bambam say that me should no do anything when me go home, or no at first. me gree but it will no happen. me just know me will have to wash stuff so me can have clean bedding, have to pick stuff up off floor so me can walk thro me room, prob check animals to make sure all 14 of them are fine an have food water an fresh bedding/litter. then me is prob go have to do all dishes in sight. try ing to get 2 teenage boys to do anything to help out round the house is hard. or impossible when it comes to me brothers. then if me dad forget to get stuff, an him will, me will be go to the store to get what him forgot. then there is the cook, an then the clean up. an then the next day come one of the things that me look forward to eve year. we get the christmas tree! last 2 years us have use me car, but me is no sure if it is go happen this year or no. any way, we go as fam usu, an us find tree an it use be me dad cut it down but now me twin cut it down, while me pull to help make it go faster, an then me an one me bros carry it to be pick up. stardust has no ever see a real christmas tree, this will be awesome, me just hope him no try to climb it. lol. then usu some time in next week we decorate it.

when it come to drive round tho. me think me is go have let me brother, dustin, who can drive but is no legal, drive me round. me was one who taught him to drive, so me hope him no try kill me. lol.

an then me has o most nuff pillows at home that me can make me self comfy in me futon. me wish matress was no so thin but it is ok.


shortie an me make this evil guy so we could destroy him. it sound fun at first an then me start think me no want to think bout kill someone right now, even if them is no real. so when her ask me waht me was go do to him me say me is go hug him. our hugs broke the evil curse on Tina n now him is good!

me watch ghost whisperer at 1am it was the christmas episode. me has on seen that show 2ice. before that me watch fraiser. it was funny stuff.

me think tonite me is go watch phantom of the opera if no other plans come up. piglet an jasi say them both may try skype wit me, so me may have plans, or maybe one me friends will be like hey, want watch movie, an if me is alive an awake, me will belike umYEAH!lol.

me is no go lie tho, me eyes are tire. an me is so weak. it is work just to breath. lol. but me has smile on me face. sorts, it is no a baf smile but it is no  frown or a me is die face.

me can no wait til me is out of here, then me can act skype. me has be tempt tho to go head an unmute me mics or even just show me web cam. bt me no want lose me laptop. no no.

me is no sure me is go get that wheel chair. me no think me is, them were pose to give address for one me persons to go pick it up at but that has no happen. so me guess if there is day me feel me can no do some or me friends an me go some where an me is no able to walk me will just have sit an let them wonder round. me no mind. me is happy when me friends are happy.

me is bruise lot easy. me no ever bruise but me is no an it is no hard to give me one. the guard drop the movie on me arm an now there is big bruise. ya...from movie that weigh like no even 1/2 lb.

ash could no get skype to work. it was sad. me no get see wedding, bt it is ok. them is marry now an me is very very happy for them!!! me love ash an stephen so much!!!!

bambam an me watch movie. haha. her is very good but also very bad at pick movies. lol. the movies her pick are very good, but them is ones that make me heart sink to me stomach an tears rise in me eyes. us watch lifted...an if you have no see it, beware, me had stop it. me was sob thro most the last half.
in so many part of that movie, me would think, me has be there, me has be there...no joke. me mom alway pick guys that had no respect for anyone but them. an her would alway bring us kid round them. her would be so high that any one of her guy friends could have kill us an her would no have cared or even realize it. her guy friends would be jerks. wit some them we even look at them in any way an them would beat the crap out us. me would never let them touch me sibs. me alway step in an protect them, took their beat. mom would sit there an watch it or even help. me can no tell you how many times me dump alcohol, or flush drugs, an turn round an take care of me mom. one time us went see me "grandpa" - mom dad - an him beat the crud out me for refuse do some for him. us would go home tell me dad what happen an him would turn round do the same thing say me was lie.
me mom did start go to meetings tho. me hated go to them wit her. me know them helped her but me hated go to them. an then me aunt start go to, an me still hated go. me still will no go if ask.
lot time music would be the on escape me had. me would go in me room, block the door, an blast me music. there are time me still do that, if me is real mad or real sad. me would use music to drown out all the noise, the fights, the yell, the pound, the threats. an still do.
the movie was sort a tribute to those who have serve in military an them families, especial those who have die in service. it is a remind that them have give them life but them is no gone.
made me real sad. me miss Chris Link, lots. an me granpa was air force, an me miss him lots too.

after the movie, bambam an me skype! it was good ok great to see her face an here her voice. an her was the bambam me member. her is very silly. lol. but her is very precious to me!

me was go take nap for bit an then them come in an ask if me want shower/bath. me was like, yea! haha. me is clean. me is just real hot an start smell funny gain. lol. after shower me went to have scans. them say there is small area of puss but them think them can kill it wit some meds.

now me is back in me room. bambam is go skype wit me gain! woot! an mama canady may join in! hurray!

me no think me is go watch phantom of opera tonight.

me has a new name for me seisures, them are me bad moments. me is no sure why me is sick or why me body will no heal, it is very sad.

it is just another mystery to be solved in this part of me adventure.

Masquerade

me has do lot of discover me self. or me old self. me is try find out what me like in music an movies an ect. TFK is awesome, an their song masquerade is mazing. but that is no why me name this post that at all. nope.

yester nite was a no other nite of no sleep. so bear wit me if me spell is off an if me has revert back to a pervious version of me self. what me mean by that is spell version of me self.

me got skype wit ash for a bit. it was real good to see her face an hear her voice. it was nice to get to see a real person, live. me was pose to skype later that nite wit both ash an stephen but some thing came up an it was late an, well, them was go have big busy day today, so me was like, it is ok.

a few mins later me start seisure bad. me real wish them would go way.  it fin got to point where me had to get off me laptop an move it way from me. mme watch lot of disney channel. least me temp is now 104.8.

at 9 am me tv switch to live feed of the investigation. it make me sick to me stomach to watch an hear all that. about 3 one the guards came in wit me mail. by this point me was try to hide me from the tv. me blarred music, an hid under me pillows. at 5 it went off. me was so thankful.

shortie is awesome. ever time me think bout her me has the shortie song go thro me head. you know the one that go - shortie like a melody in me head got me go nananaa ever day got me ipod stuck on replay replay. it is a bad song but if you know me shortie than you can gree, her is one person you no ever get tire of. me got mail from her today. her sent me the sun. no joke. ok. no the act sun, but her catch the sun wit rope an pull it into a card to give to me. the card was awesome! an her sent me phantom of the opera! the newer version. it is her so me has give it back, which is no prob, but me think it is mazing!

me love phantom of the opera. it is good movie. an it puts me to sleep. so me will prob no make it thro the movie once, but me will get sleep. haha. sing to me....da da da daa.

me has no yum today at all. me is still heve. yuck. sad ness.

shortie say when me is out or able have visitors her is go come visit me an we are go have lots fun. this is go be nice. me would real love that.

me love me friends. no joke. an me is go be real cited when me can visit them.
me do no like idea of be in moberly, nor st. jo an me is real glad me is no in kc. those boys family lives in one of those 3 cities. but me is no fraid of them. ok, may be just a bit, but that is on cuz me is no strong nuff to stand up or protect me.

me got a letter from me cousin Allen, him is in prison for drugs an steal. me is go start email him. me has also be get letters from those guys family. eve one of them ends up go to agents. but it make me feel like me is at fault. but there is no a day that go by that me no feel me is no in some way.

just like me say to ash yester nite. me hate put me friends thro all this, so many rules an things that me can an can no do, it freakin sucks. an me hate put them thro that. no a day go by that me do no blame me self for so much.

an wit monday just round the weekend, that blame game is get more players involved. monday be 4 years since me mom be dead. me fam blames me for it, for no be there, for so much, but me alway get blame for most thing in me fam. no big deal. me feel like that lil kid gain: now look, you made you mom leave. - you alway got to ruin eve thing good for me. - it is you fault me no has boyfriend. -why were you no watch you sister? - if you had do this, that would no ever have happen. -me hate you. -it you fault me try kill me. -it you fault that me can no get high/drunk/laid. -it you fault we are live on street. -you on got beat because what you did was bad. -it you fault me did this or that or them did that or this. an so on.
but that was no as bad as what me hear when me try to get help: you is lie. - you did to you self. - you dad/mom would no eve do that, them is too nice. -me will no hear of it. -you deserve it. -the way you act, all nervous an stuff, say to us that you is lie. -how would you like to go to jail for say a lie? an so on.
me whole life it was a sea of voices an that was all them roar out. that is me lil spew for the week.

 who can real say that no of this is me fault. we all have part in ever thing, right?!

guess me spell is still bug some persons. lol. but me was glad when some one act try to correct me. my is one word that me brain will no let come in an stay. but me was glad that them least try.

me was pose to have date nite, but it no happen. ah well.

Jamie say that jesus is leprechaun. him say on an idiot would believe in a fairy tale like that. or one like there is a god. him want me to watch some bout darwin. me is go watch it cuz me say me would. an me listen to vic at flf. him say read thro psalms, an there you will find god an who him is. so me is go do that.
eve one wants me make decision. is it no nuff that me say that yes there is a god, or do me have to get down to details? sorry, it frustrate me. if you did no know, me is in hospital and still very sick. it is go take me prob more than few days to say hey this is who god is an this is where him is. but that is me fault to. me chose to get sick an forget god an what me believe. it is a hard thing. me is luck if me can member yesterday. an you want have big hard chat wit me bout god? no no NO! me is learn little by little eve day. me ask questions when me has them. me has take step by step. me feel like eve one want me to make a choice bout god an get all this out the way before me learn how to sit up on me own, stand, walk, or even speak. me will listen you talk bout god or about why there is no god, me will have chat wit you bout bible an all that stuff, but all me ask is that you stop push me. it is a thing that took me long time to learn before all this happen an now me has to learn it all gain an make a choice. 22 years is no go happen in 2 days or 2 weeks, if eve 2 months.

now on to some else.

me love me friends. me know me alway say this, but IT IS TRUE. me is learn from me friends but as me talk wit them them say that them is learn from me. me no get it real. me is no teach them any thing. me ask them asks, an them answer them, but that is no me teach. bambam say her is learn how to love how to be love an me is teach her lots, an shortie say her is learn to care for her friends an is learn from me. me no get. at all. me is a jerk most time. so me no see how there is love or care in taht.
ebony, who me has no hear from in while, say taht piglet talk bout me lots, an ash say taht her an stephen talk bout me lots. me ask is why? me no get me friends. them is weird, but awesome. haha, it like that nationwide commericial:  -...weird - but awesome!! haha. it is true. no joke. it is like them have bore lives an have no else to talk bout but me. that is weird, an bit creepy, but no true. haha. me love them. an it is good to hear that them love me too. or are talk bout me to eve one else but me, lol, jk. if me give them some talk bout that is fine wit me!

it is go be a weird long next 3 days. adventures away!

hot in here

it is 74 in this room, but me body temp is now sad le, 106.4. boo. it was a few grees worse earl e er. them say them got all infection out me head, but some time me wonder. them thot me was go die. them is still no sure if me will be fine. me has be have real bad seisurses. 2-3 an hour an them last for few mins. me has puke so much that it is now just dry heves. puke lot of blood. pain is so bad that any lil thing causes killer pain. blink, breath, type (but me will deal as long as me is get chat wit me friends), swallow, etc. me oxygen mask is bac to 100% wit out it me oxygen is 10%. boo. me is see stuff. animals, monsters, rainbows - me love me rainbows them is so pretty - , fairies, persons, even things that no have life, like a spoon, an well you get point. me hope.

me spell today have been horrible. me has had to real focus hard an work. me has had to delete an fix so many errors. that is why this blog has take so long to spell. if me did no fix it me no think you be able read it. no joke.

me has had real bad day, cuz of be real real sick. but...it has be good nite.

ash skype me for bit. it was good to see her face an hear her voice. an me is pose to skype wit her gain bout 35 mins ago. lol. 1 day an then them is get marry. me is so happy for them. it hurt to smile but me has big smile on me face. that is how happy me is for them, plus me has tears in me eyes when me think bout them. them are sooooo special. me like no love chat wit them both. them make me smile, BIG SMILE, me love them. an me can no wait til me get to visit them an them get to visit me!!! #stok3d

piglet, kara, jenn, bambam, mama canady, shortie, them all say them want visit me, make me smile. what make me frown is them will prob no get to til me is out the hospital. boo!!! me say boo! lol. but me is cited for day when visits get to start whether be in hospital or no.

nite for last, me had dream bout shortie, an then me had dream bout bambam, then me had dream bout a pup. them was weird dreams, shortie was mean, bambam was a demon zombie, an the pup dream some one had broke in me house an me follow them an them was mobsters an it was weird. me no sleep yester nite at all. boo.

them is say me should get out week of thanksgiving if me do no die or have any serious probs. me get go home clean me room - me dad say you can no see me floor an it is me room so me has clean it up -, then me get to do eve thing for thanksgiving - cook, dishes, clean, - an day after us have fam tradition where we go get tree day after thanksgiving. that is alway fun. then me dad may have work black friday, so me is go pray for him an for all others, serious.

me is glad morrow is the last day me has to watch investigation stuff. no joke. me watch it all day cuz me did no want move an no all that puke was from sickness..lol. just say.

me is no sure what me is go do wit me whole weekend but that in it self is go be adventure!

mac n cheese

this post has no thing to do wit mac n cheese....ok, may be jus a small small bit do. haha

me could no fall sleep at all. so 6am this morn me fin fell sleep. no joke. me wake up at 12pm. me ach all over. me would like stretch out. me is go be like the old guy from UP, where him pop out bed an crack crack crack. yep, that is go be me. lol

yester day post me say some bout if the guys get no time. Michael, this kid is real smart an real funny, rank bambam wit batman an chuck norris. still makes me laugh eve time me think bout it. me can just see bambam wit mask cape an ninja cloths.
it was a clever reply but one that also has nother side of thot. am me so low an weak that me can no protect me self, that me would let others do it for me? it was no on this reply but one me other friends say it bout time you start stand up for you self. double blow!!
me do stand up for me self, cept when me is smart an think it is no worth the effort, or kno that all the other person want is argue. me has alway stand up for me self, on time me has no is when me has no be able to or thot it best no to. me has alway protect me self too. no on me, but me family an me friends. me will eve protect strangers. no joke.
so why do me need some one else to protect me or stand up for me? if me can no do it for me self what that say bout me? it is simple, it mean that me is weak, a coward, an selfish. which make me a loser an a jerk!

today me has be tire, but what else is new. me is do better wit breath an me oxygen in me mask has gone down.

me is go have to use money me get from work to go to eye doctor. me right eye is one that is mess up. me was do some an look out on me right eye an it is all blurry thro me glasses. boooo. but it is way over due. 4 years. yep. but if me can get perscription me can get glasses cheap.

me did no get color today. sadness. just like me did no get me shower today. double sadness. me did get mac n cheese today. it did no taste good at all, but me yum it. an it was ok. it was better than mash tatos.

me make me bucket list. there is lot to do on it. half me no think will get done but hey me can try.

lot of me friends are sick today. me no like it. if me could me would take them sickness way. me would rather be sick than them. what a pickle.

2 more days. no on will it be the weekend but it will also mean, NO MORE INVESTIGATION, for 2 hole days! 2 more days an 2 me fav persons are get married!!!!!!!!! 2 more days an then begins the 2 day count down. need less to say, me week next week is go start off bad, an monday is go be a bad day. me wish me could skip it.

me has be member bits an pieces of me college years. it is very frustrate cuz it is just things that no tell me much or that no connect.

since me has alread say me believe there is a god, just no sure what or where it is, or even who, me is go say some else. me think pray is a good idea. even if you do no believe that there is a god or in the god that hears pray, you should try pray. it is a good way to help you unstress. me do it. me just think bout me day an me friends an that is it, but that is me pray.

me got message from Richard, me new friend in Seattle. him tell me to do me research cuz me is in for a big surprise. me has experience many other cultures, an me has be in KC lots. lol.

me was do some think today bout halloween. me thot it be funny to dress me dog Bubbles up as a bunch of bubbles or a bottle of bubbles an me dad dog Elvis as elvis! it would be funny. an cute. me is kind sad me is no go be there for halloween. it is ok tho.
me is kind upset bout leave bubbles here in MO. Me will prob no see her in person for a year or so, an that is real hard to take in. an know me luck me would go way an that would be last time me see her. her is happy wit elvis an me family. her an elvis are best friends, who am me to break them up? who am me to break bubbles heart an mine by seperate us? me wish me could take her wit me, or that me had a pup that was no best friends wit the others me could take wit me, but wishes are dreams that are no mean to be.

me has had good day, but lot things in it are just very sad an try to break me down.

it is a long hard journey. one full of heart ach an pain. one full of mystery an shame. but the on thing me is out to gain, is freedom from all this rain!

kick n the bucket

no get offend by title. us all have to kick bucket soon or late. no joke. for real! here is some thing me want do before me kick me bucket. them are in no order. once me make a pretty good list. me will put them in order or try. lol. so here it go.

1. visit the states me has no yet be to.
2. chase tornados
3. visit cotm
4. save a life
5. go on animal rescue
6. visit a nother country
7. write a book
8. help build a house
9. get job security, mean, get a security job
10. go on ride long wit cop.
11. visit the netlife memorial
12. get marry
13. have children
14. adopt children
15. foster children
16. foster animals
17. run a mile, non stop
18. fly in a plane, (this time where me member)
19. sponser a child
20. sponser a animal
21. help make some one else dream come true
22. befriend an elderly person (nursing home or hospital)
23. become pen pal
24. help open a shelter of any kind
25. play slideshow wit big group of persons in a busy public place
26. name a star
27. get some of me lyrics made into an actual song
28. get tatoo
29. get a piercing
30. ride on a boat
31. hug a bear
32. have a harry potter movie marathon straight thro
33. learn to surf
34. learn to ski
35. learn to snowboard
36. go sled
37. build a huge snowman
38. decorate a christmas tree that is outside
39. become real good at hard on rockband
40. go to a bsb concert
41. learn new language
42. move out of st. joe
43. finish me degree
44. visit list of friends
45. climb a mountain
46. become debt free
47. see the north ern lites
48. go backpacking
49. go on unplanned trip to random place wit no schedual.
50. go camping
51. walk
52. run
53. jump
54. speak
55. sing
56. get me dog the proper health treatment her needs
57. write
58. draw
59. help the homelss
60. volunteer at a crisis center
61. set a world record
62. help some one else do a thing on their bucket list
63. get new glasses/new percription
64. find me dad blood family
65. do one random thing for a random stranger every day
66. plant a tree


there will be more to add to this list. them are in no order, but them are things me want to do, an things me will strive to do.

day 2

me has no be sleep well. an about 12:15am me got to feel the crisp fall air an see the unstarry sky. me is tire of this. me has no clue why persons are so cruel in this world. there is no reason for anyone to have it set out that them is go destroy a person.
me new room is smaller, lot. no window still. me has met me new guards. there is six all to gether. them seem cool. two stand at door while one sit at nurse station. them switch up ever so often. there is to lady ones. one seem mean, but it just her seem, me no think her is. me could be wrong.


it is o most wed an it o read seem like it be week. again the tv was hook up to where me has to watch whole investigation. me is jus glad me is no there. one thing that stuck out today, an if me get in trouble for say this, ah well, was this:

          "her life is the on thing hold me here. wit out her, you would have no thing an me an me brother would be free. her life for the last 4 years has be no thing. her has be run, cuz her is wuss. her has be hid behind lie that ever thing will be fine when her kno it will no be. an her purpose, her has kno that too, an has love ever min of it."

it just went on an on. an him no ever admit to any thing, so them can no use no thing against him. :/ . feb 012 will be 5 years an if him is no charge by then them him will have less time. me o most feel it all jus go end up wit no thing happen. no sentence, no time, free to do it gain. an it that happen, an it happen gain, me no think me could live.
me no want go thro it all gain. #truth

eve one is say how it is def become fall out, cuz it get cold. me feel it too. it is cool in me room. me has 3 blanket. me sleep no soon after me got here an me think nurse, who is real nice, put extra blanket on me. me sleep real good wit it. me had lot weird dreams. me dreams are alway weird. like that one wit the indians also had me friends, an persons from glee. ya, me know, weird!

today me stomach has hurt lot, feel like some one yank on me stomach. me has be real shake all day. lite headed, an eve time me take deep breath me left side throbs wit a sharp pain. me is still no able breath well, but hey, who cares. lol

me has date on friday. an saturday afternoon. make me happy that me get to in way be at wedding!

me fin got to chat wit me pig for a bit. me was real happy bout that. her crack me up.
then me found this stat an me had to give in to bambam's thing bout me be awesome, an admit it, but it was on once, so, her is win!

me last few post have either be very down or toned in anger. me is no go say sorry, cuz it is how me is feel.

me think morrow me is go see if me can get some crayons or coloring book, me is go want try. maybe you color wit me? :)

me adventure just keep get more interest. the journey bit hard er eve day but, it is life, an no one say it would be any where near easy.

aufgebracht

thunder. it is the noise that let us kno a storm is come. it shake house, car, even trees, an persons. some fear it, some love it, some it can go both way.

there is no window in me room. but me kno it has be storm, cuz me can hear the thunder.

today has be quite the day. me spent lot of day sleep. after stay up til 2 watch Amityville Horror, which scare the fudge out me. then me watch spiderman an him mazing friends. me spent most me nite up chat wit ash, an then wit piglet for bit. both fell sleep on me. watch storm chasers, an it was intense episode. then watch this thing an it was cool just real strange.
the nurse had come in an put music on while me was sleep, guess her figure it would help me sleep. me woke up to hear this song by FF5, no alone, an since that song me has had, just tell me me is no alone, stuck in me head. it rings so true for me. but...w.e.

when me did wake up it was like 2pm, me had be up before that but on for bits at time. me tv was on an me could bare hear it. on me table was note that say, want you be part of this so gave you week an now it is time to get involve. it was from the agents. so me spent me afternoon listen an watch them interview one person an then me stomach bout fell to floor. them brot in david. so from 3:30 to 6, me listen to him say lie after lie after lie.

me spent most day yesterday wait for piglet to get on facebook or to text me. me did get text but it was from ash, an me got confuse on who was who. it suck. ash an me had good chat tho. piglet got on for bit after. an now me has be wait for time me has be up to hear from piglet...............

so this god thing....
here is me thot on it so far. for one, me hate when persons say, god exists whether you think so or no. um, do no say that too me, me will serious punch you in face, same wit some one who say, god do no exist an that is some you need to kno. SHUT UP! no joke.
now, that that is out there... me think that there is a god of some sort. whether him is god of bible - an hey that is wht me use believe, right?! that was me, then me forgot, an now me has to find out for me self. but me do like that this line bring peace, love, an friendliness. me also like the stories, an the act of pray. it is no a bad thing to spend time believe in some an be good an all, in the end whether wrong or right, least you live good life. -
the thing of there is no god. this can no be a belief. serious. if you no believe in god of bible, or believe that there is no such god, then you must think you you self is god. if you say there is no god, than you must on believe in you self an that make you a god, so there in you are you own god.
whichever, there is a god. me would like to hear why some persons believe in god of the bible an why some do no believe in a god.
just member it is me choice. keep batter me an me could possible make a choice no one will like. no joke.
this is no go be a over nite thing either. an hey if me die, well, me no have worry if me is go heaven or hell, right, cuz me has alread gave me heart to god, right?.
if you say this whole thing is stupid, well, guess what, me is a freak n dumbass, so yes it may be a stupid thing, but me is go do it. no like, then eff off! <--- :O , yes me did just say that!

so this whole, tell me that me is no alone, thing...
me has had ruff day. me chat wit shortie an her is like, is some thing up?, ...you seem like you do no care. - that has be right. me is where me no care. me no care if me live. me no want wake up cuz ever min me is wake me wish me was back sleep, or dead. no joke. me friends, them is like you is no lone. bs. me is very lone. in a room wit no windows. an me has computer an me has phone but how much interaction do me get wit persons on those, hard none.an then me have spend this whole week watch that stupid tv, listen to lies an details an all for what? pure torture? an me has try turn tv off, or mute it an them has it fix to where me get control bck after certain time. which sucks! an me has 3 dif trials me has to worry bout.

me is angry an hurt. an what sucks is me has deal wit it all on me own. cuz that is how it alway is. lost an so afraid where is the hope/love in a world so cold?! feel the love, what love, serious, me feel cold an mad, hurt an scare, an love is where?! no joke.

this adventure sucks. it feels like a jounrney to no where.

M.A.W.S.

me is no go write bout me day, cuz real, it no matter. it is a day.



before me came to hospital an had all this health crap start, me was look at go to police academy. now me has decide if it is some me still think can happen or no. the fact that mowo or now mowu had police academy right in me town an was on 5 mins way was real nice. now that me move to wa, me is no sure if me is go be able to go to school for criminal justice. me would like be cop. that an security guard bout the on things me got left that me be able do that me would real want to do. me dream was be us marshal. there is still chance me could get in wit fbi or cia or some like that. all this is in prep for me life as a ninja!

me had alway want be like actor or write. me do lot of write. me is good at act but the way me look when me is just try do normal day stuff, no help wit me act dream, so that is down drain, cuz me look like goof. lol. write on other hand, is some me do lot of. november is national write month. last year me start story an never finish it. me is think me is go start write story. me is no sure bout what but me figure it out. 50,000 words is lot tho. ok no real, but still, it is. me has a whole notebook or 2 at home fill wit poems an songs that me has wrote. an me no say this much but some of me poems have be published in quite a few books.

art. me. me love to make like comics or cartoon type stuff. me has alway be in art class an club. some of them you had to be accept an me was. me has had artwork in shows. me draw on ever thing. in high school a teacher say that me need stop draw on me homework cuz it was distract an that that was no what the homework was for. me try but did no alway no do it.

music. me has be play drums since me was 5. me would turn toys, books, or any thing me could find into drums. me was in band. me play Bass (string instru) an bells. before me came in here me could play drums, guitar, bass, Bass, bells, hand bells, piano, flute, most percussion, trumpet, and the pickle. ok, so taht was joke, me can no play pickle, tho it do give me idea. now me will prob have to relearn all this.

this is just bit bout me. a dream an some me now no good talents.

blah

now for a real post. that last post was broat to you by me life as a human an no a goose!! :P

late le ever night seem to end wit me fight me motions. me is a very care person. me no like to see other persons hurt sad mad or sick. me care lot for persons who are in me life. so when them is sad hurt mad or sick me is sad hurt mad an sick. it just how me is.
if me is no fight wit me motions me is fight wit the issue of continue me journey or give up. if you was in me shoes me bet you would have this happen all time to. but me go to sleep, if me can, an me wake up, if me is no o read e up.

yester nite was a horrible nite. no joke. there was lot of things me member. an me became so um overwhelmed. an things just keep pile on. me fine came to a point where me said this is either go break me or make me. so me say hey, me is done! me was real upset an hurt wit lot of me friends an lot of things that had go on that day.

now Jamie want to sit there an try get me argue on if jesus is real, if the bible is true, an all this other stuff. me can no argue nothing, me can no even argue me name. no joke. me is no sure if me is for god or no. but it is me choice to make. me is no who me was before. me has relearn lot of stuff. me is go do research an me is go make sure that when me make that choice that me is sure it choice me want make. that right, it me choice, no one else. an trust you me, me is ask hard questions.

me right side of me chest has be tight an in lot of pain last day an today. it hurt to breath in. it is no fun. yester nite me head hurt so much from so many chats go on an other stuff, an it got to point where me was forget ever thing. me had to keep get me bearings ever min or so. me is real tire. on got hour of sleep. me is have seizures gain. boo. bloody nose is become a reg thing too. me still can no move.

that asshole doc was a jerk gain today. him say me is no try hard nuff an it no prisse him when it come to idiots like me. Jasi say me should have use a sign thing that me learn on him but me can no lift me hand an it is some me would feel bad bout later. lol. Jamie is in this same category. him is like me just want help you learn da truth.

me can say this, yester an today, me has seen points for why god do no exist fall thro as lies. but like me say me is go make choice for me self.

me watch movie wit bambam. it was funE movie. it was real good. what was no good is me forgot her. me forgot lot stuff. me whent sleep for hour me wake up an me no know who me is where me is or who anyone else was. it was scare. it was no fun. an me kno it make others feel bad when me forget them. :/ poo.

me has do lot say wit Jasi. Her is real cool person. me real like her lot. her has be real good friend. us have lot in common. her say we twins. this mean me has 3 twins.

me feel me is become distant from me friends. an it is no me, it is me friends. so must mean some is wrong wit me. true story.

me is work on sign. me is watch lot of video in sign. me kno how to sign me can only imagine in sign have for years.

some is wrong wit me head. me is get better at stuff but me memory is get worse. just be warned.
me is no sure where me wheel chair is. maybe the persons decide to no give it to me. sigh.

this is me adventure. it is no very good, o least no right now. but the journey is no over, in fact, it has just began.





police academy

bandages removed.

movie nite

wheel chair

convo wit ash

forget you

this post is some that need be say. it is no go be detail or even close to have an um description. it is for me um benefit. you no like it well you no have to read.

lot no know me has 2 blood sis. all girls were born first then me brothers. (me can no member them names so if you know please let me know). in 1997, 2 days before her birthday me youngest sis was kill at age of 2. this is some that is hard no to blame me own self for cuz me was left incharge.

me whole life me was in an out foster care, or on an off the streets. in 2004 me went into foster care 2 weeks before christmas. christmas eve me dad call me an say me granpa was in hospital. me lost it an bawl. me just knew that this was go be the last christmas wit me granpa. us were no llowed by our social work to go see him. first week of january us got out of foster care. that day us went go see him. it is some me wit a good brain will no ever forget. few weeks after that him die. ever since that year christmas has no be the same an no one in any part of our fam has spent that day some where other than wit fam.

soon after me granpa die, few weeks after. me got me a pup. him stay at me moms. me member when me first saw it, me was like what the hell is that ugly thing on our porch. then me got closer and realize it was a pup. me neighbors an me mom say me can have him. me mom name him an then our dog became me dog. Brownye Fudge Champ Frakes jr (no there is no senior, it jus sound good). him became me best friend. esp when times at me moms got ruff an me did no want be there. us would baracade us in me room for hours. wait for the fight an yell an ever thing to stop. most time it was over me or bout me. no joke. me mom hate me an me no know why. there was lot of violence in that house. after few years brownye developed a problem an became very mean. it seem him was alway chase invisible flies as we would say. him became very protective of me. an he did no like anyone that was no me.
there came several times me mom threw the dogs out, Charlie was our other dog for while til me mom boyfriend at time took him an threw him in river on time when me was at counsel session. along wit the dogs her also throw me out. dead of winter an me an the dogs be outside try to stay warm in this small dog house. there was even one time me mom was go get rid of me dog cuz her boyfriend did no like him. so me went thro that heart ache an then me got keep him. soon me go off to me think college. one summer me was in town for break work an me dad call me up an say us have 2 hours to get rid of me dog. me bawl so much. me went home an try every one an everything me could to keep me dog. 5 years me had him. well, me is no go say what happen in detail. that tuesday became one of the hardest day of me life. him was live last time me has see him.

same week me lose brownie me best friend Chris left to go over seas. few months later him was kill. me was go marry him when him got back. he had ask me to that summer. no too long after me had had surgery.that was the summer me spent me birthday in hospital.

lets go back to 2007. me graduate. me was late for me own graduate, an me o most miss it. it was no me fault. me has spend all me senior year up to a month before graduate in the children home. me had be stood up by me prom date, who lived wit me in the home. him ran off wit another girl who also lived in the home. it had been one crazy year, an now graduate day, an me o most miss it. me got to walk cross the stage an grab me diploma. that was a milestone that marked me greatest acheivement in me life.
that fall me mom was kill on October 25, a thursday at 9:48pm (that is when her die). that winter me family got in big car wreck. o most all me ribs were broke. it was kind cool.

the begin of that year, superbowl 07 was a day that would change me life for long time. me had to work that nite so me went in. when me got off me had to go to the theater to make phone call. me no ever make to theater. me was shoved in a car an raped. at 17. me no say nothing to no one til 2 years later. me thot it was 3 but it was 2. me no say no cuz me was live in children home, me was senior, an me was scare. but me no realize that me silence would cost me in me future.
in 2010 this guy show back up in me life. him bring him brother. it went on for while. cops would no do no thing. me left in march to go to arkansas to get way from it. me got to arkansas an found out that me was prego. me was kick out from place me was stay 3 months later. me spent few weeks in me car. then one day me had horrible pain. me lost the twins. me lost the babys of me rapist, or of one of the 2 guys. me on say this to few persons. them first persons me did say them were no support at all. me no say me family, me was all lone in this. me was go keep the twins to show that jus cuz them did some bad does no mean that it was go have bad end result.
2 weeks after me 22 birthday, these brothers showed up at me house an raped me again. it happened gain after that, an may be gain, me is no sure. one time them cause a great gash on me head. that wound became infected, an abscess formed an me got real real sick. an here me is.
me dream bout me twins lot. them were so cute an full of love. them smile would cause any one heart to melt. an me lil girls laugh made me member that in dark times there is alway some hope, we jus have find it.

some will be read this an say, how can you member all this an no member god...well, speak to me brain. me no kno. it is mystery.
as for the god thing. me is no sure where me stand. me use believe but that was before me forgot. so now me is relearn. but me is go make sure me is get  good pic of it an look at both sides before me say yay or nay bout god.
an no question me bout me memory. me woke up yester an forgot who me was for hour. me woke up today an me was no member who me was, where me was, an me has no kno who lot of persons are that me has speak to are, me do now. so if u want ask me bout how me can no member god, jus think bout this, how can me be me for 22 years an wake up one day an no member who me is?

you can sit there an say me dumb, a kid, a retard, a mute lame or what ever you want. guess what, me is no smart, me is dumb because me is have relearn lot of stuff. me is no kid, but that is how me brain is work, is like that of a kid. me can go wit retard to, me is no normal an me do have some mental issues. no me is no mental, well guess on who you ask, me just have memory problems. mute, well no flippin duh, here is a cookie. me can no speak, that is a mute. an of course me is lame too, here is a cracker, that is what you call a people who can no walk. so time to move on cuz hey, it is no bug me. can no say some bad an think it go bug me if me is sit there say yeah, you is right. on people it go bug is you.


this is me adventure, an me will be as defective as me want be in it, or have be, an me will be fine wit it. if you no want join me on the journey choice is you, but either way me has a long road head of me an there is no thing that is go stop me.

E.T.

me has no ever see footloose. me jus kno them should have no re make it. me read today that them is remake E.T. !!!! me guess them is run out ideas for movies. me question is why do we not start make movies bout real persons. um documentrys. ? ever one has a story an ever story is just as mazing as the next peoples. it jus what me think, so it no that important, or great. it jus is.

me got me phone. me has no numbers tho, so if u has no give me you number an want to, inbox me. an whoever keep call me, u can keep on call all u want but me is no go answer cuz me is no able to um speak. no joke. me do no answer me phone any way if me no know the number or it is unknown or the other word. if it is real important leave message an one of the agents will may be, follow up on it. no joke. me phone me use for text. it is lot easy to text than type. me get me friends, on can have 50, stat updates, google+, an twitter updates. me get me facebook messages, most time, an it much more simple for me.

me nite went ok. me got real down for bit, an real want give up. me no kno what persons no get, ME IS IN HOSPITAL!, therefore me can no possible be the cause of ever thing that is go on in you life. but if want blame me go head. me is no ok wit it, sense there is no much me can do bout it.

so me has be hear over an over an over that me spell is bad an it real frustrate me. me hear, u spell like kid, what matter u dumb, on retards spell like that, an blah blah blah. me is tire of hear it. it is no good to hear those things. me is dumb but jus bit more than me use is. me could be consider retard, me is no normal. me spell like kid cuz that is how me mind is work right now is like that of a kid.
me say to jasi that me is try real hard to get stuff right, eve if it no make sense to me. if me do right me will get right. then her say no no no! you learn right by do wrong. an her say if persons no like or get frustrate me should say  them to eff off. tru story. her is right. so me is no go try so hard to get it all right, instead me is go work on it bit at time. so if you  no like it, deal wit it or be gone.

jasi had nother great point. her is good at make her points. me is like baby in way. me has forgot lot stuff an me can no do lot stuff, so me has to relearn lot stuff. me can no do it all on me own too, or most, an that is where me need, yes me is say it, ME NEED YOU HELP. teach me. if me mess up or do some wrong show me what me did wrong an show me how do it right. if me ask question, yes me is go say it, drop to me level, kid level, an answer it. some questions are go be hard ones, an me is no go get u answer, but that ok, least u is give me chance to try an learn.

me has one doctor that is an asshole, yep me say it an me will say it gain, him is an asshole! him has be one of the persons say to me that me spell like kid, me must be real dumb if me can no spell no right. today him say to me that me is no try hard nuff, that me must deserve this. him say me is no thing more that a nother people that is go leech off others. him say if persons were smart them stick me in  nursing home or in the ground. me no know why him is so mean, but him no like me. him me hard ever see. cept last few days him an one the other doctors have be fill in for me main doctor. him say ever one is go hate me cuz them is go have to push me round in wheel chair, or them is go have this or that. him is jerk. me hope no one hate me tho. me is try me best. an if me need wheel chair me will learn to push me in it. so that when me do have to use it others will no have no thing to get frustrate over. now steps may be dif story. lol. me is suppose to get me wheel chair today or morrow. then me can decorate it. ya!

me need find beanie. me keep say this but it is go start get cold outside, real cold. so me need to get a winter jacket, gloves, an a stock cap. may be me get boots too. me is use ok in winter an no as cold as eve one else, but this year may be different. but like bambam, (bam bAM) LOL, say weight loss have lot to do wit it. me is gain me weight back. before it snow me will be over or close to 112lbs.

in bout an hour me bandages come off for good. then wednesday me get to take shower or get clean. me can no wait. me is stink gain. lol.

bambam, (BAM bam), an me is pose to have a movie date. me has find 3 movies that me think her may like that me has no see. if no then her can pick movie. lol.
me say wit stephen for bit other day an him is like when you get out we is go throw party. lol. ash say me him loves LOVES ice cream, me do too. so maybe we have ice cream party. lol, jk. me do love me some ice cream tho. ash say her is go fix me food. so me is go get me weight back. haha.

it is so weird for me to think that me is go need help wit lot of stuff. that me has to have help wit o most ever thing. me has pretty much be do things on me own since me can member. it so weird to think me is go have to have help from me friends an, laugh a lil, family. if me have no help then me will figure out how do stuff on me own. me is real kind um partial? to this, as me is use to have to do all on me own.

me is go have to get over me weird thing esp when me move to wa. hugs is no thing me is no use to. me is use to physical contact but no of that kind. - when me was little an me mom would be all strung out, drunk, an high, an one me sibs make mistake, me mom would go to punish them, me would alway take them punishment for them. same when it came to me dad. it then jus got to point where if them was mad me sibs would no eve be thot bout. - so me is go have to get use to place wit no fight. living where me live even if u is no fight in u home at the moment there is fight go on outside. ghetto. me can no say how many time me has wake up an there be lites flashing thro me window from police cars. this is jus me guess 2 of the thing me is go have get use to.

me is get more an more ok wit idea of no be able take bubbles wit me. it still no fun but her is happy here. me miss her lay right by me head. our heads right next to one nother. her gets under covers wit me an cuddles. it will be way weird to sleep wit out her there to cuddle wit. an her is so excited to see me wake in morn. her alway greets me!. it is some me will miss.

me friend Jamie, him no do believe in god. him say for me to watch the god who was no there on youtube. him say me need to get both sides of story. so me is go watch it.

ash n stephen are get marry real soon. me is happy for them. sad me can no be there, but all the more happy for them.

final me health. me temp is up to 103.9. me is still no able move well. me is glad me have me phone, it make things bit easy to do stuff. them had put me oxygen up again. it is now 85% an me is still use mask. ok by well me mean at all. me is so weak an me no get why. me is still alway tire. me did get good sleep last 2 nites. me is still have weird dreams but them is no that bad. cept the one where all me friends thot me was lie an beat crap out me. ya, that was no a good dream. me is still on soft an liqid food. iv for water. me body hurts. me head real hurts. ah well tho.

me is still got smile on me face. me is in a slow part of me adventure. it is rough to endure, but it would no be much of an adventure if it was no times like this.

feel the blue

me wonder if them call it blue cuz when persons got sad them turn blue?

this is a rant. beware!

bambam google + me ask if me delete me facebook. no me say to her. so me spent last 4-5 hours deal wit facebook. first them say me account is suspended for post mean an nasty things. then them say no, it cuz there have be many reports that me facebook account is a fake an that me is no a real people. then it cuz me has multiple accounts, 1 of which is on one me use. final e them give me me account back.

me phone company will no extend me time like them say them will so now me is out 50 that me pay to now on have one week of service.

on top of no be able to access me facebook, when me is able to use it, me is have so many issues wit it that me is like what the point.

me family, main le me brothers, has hacked into me emails myspace an blog an sent emails to friends say me is die, or say stuff that me no say. them has change passwords an all that. an me on find this out by fbi walk in last nite an accuse me of do it.

me was wake up this morn by doc so him could do tests. could them no wait???

so many of me friends are have issues an problem an no so good days or time an me feel helpless, me hate HATE me can no help them.

now me is get emails from random persons who kno me family but me has no eve met, say all sorts stuff.

me is sooooooooooo stress out that the doc has me on extra watch. him is fraid that me is go have stroke or heart attack.

me has a journey, an adventure, but right now me just feel it be better if me let one those beast destroy me, put an end to something that may very well be no mean to be.

is this an adventure or a punishment?

Thursday

me thot me was go sleep for bit an then say wit ash. me no sleep at all. so me watch news think it put me out fo sho. then come to find out it pull me in an me could no stop watch it. Topeka has done way wit law of domestic violence, so now it is ok to beat one nother up. :/ an in washington them is think bout do way wit p&p, so 100's of criminals be walk round have no one keep tabs on them. got to admit, me is lil freak out bout both these issues. an on top that multi vitamins no help but hurt u, so me is go start fuse to take me multi vitamin.

one the nurse that real like me took me to hallway window so me could see the clouds. them was PRETTY! me loves the clouds, storm clouds. big puffy an purple blue.

me did get say wit ash yester nite. just for bit tho. me want her to have time wit stephen. :)

me kind got pinch by some of what lot persons say all day. it no big deal cuz me kno it true, but it jus some me is um sensitive? bout. me spell! it is bad. an me is work on it. me is real try hard. an me say to ash when me say wit her, me no see words way them is see by eve one else. here is few words to help u get what me say (nurse did help me wit this)

me to me is i.    persons is group. people is one.    get mean um sense or um understand.   say mean talk, tell, told, said.    spell mean um write.  no is not.

this is how me brain see stuff. but u can help an um make right when me no say right. it will frustrate me cuz me brain no see that way but me has to learn. an me think some me friends or persons get frustrate wit it. an that make me even more frustrate. *nods* an if any thing me is pinch by me spell cuz me is have hard time wit it. but this me will get better at to.

day me head hurt lot. me feel some one hit me wit hammer. an me chest is hurt. me think me wisdom teeth are fin come in. me right side of me mouth is hurt lot. me teeth are real sharp too. me could cut me tongue in pieces. lol. me is no go to, me is jus say me could. lol. now me can no lift me head at all. nurse prop me up an put pillow hind me head an computer in me lap an hands on it.

few persons keep ask me if me can have visitors, it sad. me want visitors but them have keep me safe. them no kno just how um dangerous? me friends are to gether. hahaha. them will keep me safe. ;) . sad tho me can no see no them faces til the other guy is put behind bars. :/. but in way u can come visit. hahaha. me has find it but me do have skype. me just can no video call or voice call but u can. it no same cuz u can no see me or hear me, no that there is some to hear, an trust me u no want see me face, it no look like me. lol. or if u no time to skype or IM u can make video :). lol, jk. on if u want to. or u can send card or letter or some. kara send me pic of her an me :) wit her card. manda send me chuggers wit her card. it just idea for those who are like me an frustrate that me can no have visitors yet.

mama canady call me mazing young lady. me gree wit most it. haha. me is some what mazing. me is young, an me keep forget me is 22 an no 16, lol. no joke. me kno no why but me just find it weird when persons call me girl or babe or sweets, lady, or even woman. me is use to certain persons call me certain things. so when me here it from some one else, it is weird.
lindsey - girlie   bambam - honey  becks - sweetie  lynn - girl   jess - babe . haha.

me dad say me is very picky, an him is right. lol. but that is main wit food an foot ware.

me say wit jasi for bit. her had good nite an me was glad. her was happy an when her is happy me is happy.

me got a bad message from a friend over some stuff me family start. them was pretend to be me an sent me friend message thro one me emails. them hacked me. them jerks! them has do other stuff too. so now me friend is mad wit me an no say to me, an me guess me no blame them.  it just suck.

me has spend most me day sleep. me has had real weird dreams. them bit scare but it ok. me is real tire. me is wear oxygen mask now. it no longer the nose thing, but the mask. me feel like me can no breath at all. me is no feel well at all. motions get me down an sick kick back up. but me is go try to keep smile on me face.

this day is no over. me adventure is no over. me still has lot of beast to slay, new land to um conquer?, enemies to defeat, an allies to meet. me adventure has just begun, an there is still more to come!

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

legacy

hi!!! u have reach the blog of BAFINATOR!!!

if u is have trouble find me on facebook, us are in same boat. me no kno where me profile went to. either someone is mess wit me, facebook real is do site stuff, or me is offical too awesome to be on facebook an there4 them is make me me own website. me pick numero 4, me has no clue. but me DID NO delete me facebook. as temp as me has be last few week to do so, me has no go there. me has also be think bout creating a 4th facebook, me other to are no delete jus no use like me current one, for all me special friends or true friends. me jus have come up wit cool name for it. 3 brittany frakes is nuff for me. an no me is no go name it amber, yuck! name is cool, me jus no like me middle name.

surgery! docs say went good an them got infection out of me head. now me jus has to get it out me body. month in half o read in hospital has no be fun, an still look at few more weeks, blah! me did lot sleep yester. me even miss most igor cuz me keep snoze off. me watch lot of disney yester nite. munsters has be on too, so me watch that too. black an white show, it funny! me was no very public so me no say lot. me did get say wit bambam, mama canady, ash, an shortie for bit.

me no sleep well. me was worry bout me facebook. first me think o, it be back in bit. then when it no show back up me start think who or why would any1 report me facebook cuz me has no do no thing, so me also start think why facebook would disable or block me facebook wit out warn or email. then me think may be it were fbi try protect me or some like that, no them has no clue. me think me dad mess wit it, but him no have me password. so me is is confuse an frustrate by it. me has email them all nite. - update: me facebook is back up an run. me is go clean out me friends day or morrow.
me is real tire. me is go sleep lot day.

me last blog me was jerk. me no mean to hurt no one. part was fever an me sick brain, part was what me was hold in. me jus could no do it no more an me had let it out. it was like me sick ness an me is sure it was add to me sick ness, it keep get worse an worse an worse.

yester nite me fell sleep for bit an nurse came in an shut tv sound off an turn lite off. me wake some an her ask if me would like listen music, me nod. her took me computer an put on music. her say this was one her favorite stations, some call klove. it real nice stuff. it say bout god an all sort that stuff. it make me feel all warm inside an make me smile an me heart smile. there was this one song that say this - want leave legacy how will them member me? - an me got think bout this. me did no kno what legacy mean, an then song pretty much say what it mean.
this song mind me of LP song, leave out all the rest. in song it say - me dream me was miss an u was so scare but no one would listen cuz no one else care, after me dream me woke wit the fear, what is me leave when me is done here - me real think lot on this.

me think, if me had die in surgery, or die after or soon after, the last thing persons would member bout me is that me fight long time wit sick ness. them member me be sick an that is it. ... that is no what me want. me is no set on change world, cuz that will no ever happen, but me is set on be better people an friend, even family member. me is 22 an what me to show for it? me graduate high school an that bout it. o an pose me went to college for bit.

me read other blogs. me see persons do stuff. me no alway get what me read but me do kno them is do stuff.

me want do stuff to. me no jus want to be nother people who has ordinary life, me want have extra ordinary life.

how is me go do this tho?
first, me figure me has to get better. them say them got infection cut out me head, now to get rest me body to boot the infection an sick ness. this has no be easy at all. me was glad when me woke up an me have no forgot stuff gain. it was real hard type an still is, but me is push thro. it is no go be easy but it will get there.
to, me has get out me town. me no realize how bad an no good for me it is til day or to before surgery. it is real stressful an negative to be round me family. it is time for peace in me life. this is where me is real thankful for real great friends who can get stuff thro this thick head of me. me has kno for long time me need to get out, an me has try for long time to get out an stay out. me has try lot. it get drain after while an start think will no ever happen! me think thing be different this time.

me will go from there. me has no idea what is in me future, but me do kno it better than what is in me past. that is me adventures an it has no just start an it is no bout to end!!

let it all out

me is go be honest in this post. no that me is no alread honest. me jus has hold back on some thing. so me is go post this before me surgery. me surgery start at 10am me time an me should be done an out no late than 10pm, if thing go good it could be before that.

one me friends say me, eve one is hard on them self. me kno me is hard on me. me has lot to be hard on me bout. me do blame me for lot stuff. me should be like me bros an sis, on drugs get drink eve night, sleep round, steal lie an cheat. me should be more mess up than them. me chose no to tho. me has say to bambam there is lot me has no eve say to anyone. me use bury stuff an that last of it. that how me deal. an it no affect me. it jus when some big happen an me get emotion me get real emotion.
me blame me for be sick. them is alway say, u got think good thots so u can get better, them are no here, them are no me, yes them may have been in place like this or like me, but them is no go thro what me go thro. me know that harsh but it true an me think them gree. us no ever kno exact how people feel cuz us no ever them. me hard have good thing to think bout.

few thing bout me:
     - when me is feel bad me like to make others feel good
     - me no can stand when one me friends is no feel good, or is down, an me will do what eve me can to make them feel better an make them happy
     - me no hate no one, me no get angry, me hard eve get mad, an me is alway nice an love toward even the mean people
    - me would give clothes off me back, sell me car, give up all me stuff to help some one else out. me would do wit out um hesitation

sense me be honest me is go just say it. me guess all them bad things are ones that are loud er than them good things. me do feel like worthless piece junk. me feel no mat how hard me work or how good me is that it jus no do. me has be try to get better an it sound like for bit there me was o most all better. but me is now worse off. me hear bad stuff lot dur day, no so much on facebook now as other places. it me fault me is sick. it me fault me go die. it me fault that no one in world give fly flip bout me. me is junk, me is trash, me is worthless, me is dumb, me is freak, me is retard, me is....(   ). so much more. or is it me is so much more than all that. rare do me feel like me is any thing.

me feel like me friends void me. me is no say bout  ones me kno is busy wit work. it ok tho, me has alway be voided. me is go clean out me friends but may be me jus delete me facebook, no replace me sim card, honest, who would miss me? no me. me say if u want be me friend be me friend, if no then unfriend me, it no that hard. me is tire of fake friends. me has start delete some persons alread.

me is sort hope me die on surgery table. me can no stand this be lone. an me friends say all u have do is reach out, me has an all it got me is no thing. me say all time, me welcome the company. me is lone. u know me has no one here, cuz me can no cuz me is a dumb idiot, so that should say, hey, her is lone, me should drop her message or text an start chat wit her. me is tire be the one to reach out. use if it no me say no thing then no thing is say an people me bet no even kno me exist. me do no want spend nother day here lone. u can keep say u wit me in thot but it no help, it real no do. an me must be bad person or say some that is mean an jerk, eve day it seem persons say wit me lil bit less than before. gain, me is no worth it.

so please say me why me should fight? why should me fight to live? spend nother month or 2 in a room that all white no window an no see persons hard at all?

this can all be sick an fever an no sleep, but me is sure this how me feel. an if u no like me blog u no have read it.

me real jus want to be out here, wit friends, or do some eve if it sleep wit me dog an cat. sigh, but me is no an me has to deal.

there is no easy part to any this. no single thing is easy. but me guess it time for me be super man gain an do all this wit smile on me face an do it lone. put that zipper back where it belong an relearn that some thing just are no mean to be seen or hear.

me found this poem an it seem it was spell bout me. me is go share.

Fighting Alone - Anonymous
 
As long as you don't say anything
everything seems fine
& no one will know
what's really on your mind
& as time goes by
you realize you just can't win
cause the heart breaking pain
will forever remain within
while everyone is rising
back on their feet
your left on the ground
broken by defeat
& once you think you've done all you can
everything in your life falls apart
you try to catch the falling pieces
in your pain stricken hands
but the task is impossible to do
because their too small
like the grains of sand.

last or first night

scan scan scan. that is all me feel me get to do. me no like close spaces tho. this is why me no cover me feet lot. no shoe no blanket, no dog or cat lay on them, unless me feet is real froze. me would no wear shoe at all if me no had to.

me has had long nite. me no could sleep. me had real bad seisure and me fell out bed hit me head. it was no bad hit but it knock me out real good. it cause some stitches an staples to come out. them fix it. me is no sure witch me has so me jus say both staple an stitchs.  me can no type well so me has to fix ton things before me act post things. me temp has gone up. it is 105.8 right now. me is see stuff gain an hear stuff. me is no pose to sleep but me fell sleep for bit.  me had dream bout snake that was chase after me. it was big snake. it ate one me pets. there were snake all in wit me pets. it was weird scare dream. me no stay sleep long haha. me wake up scare. me hate snakes. yuck! them let me sleep for few hours tho. it was no much but me feel jus small bit better.

me has have 4 scans today. them say puss is no go way an them is go have do surgery morrow. 9-11 hour surgery. them is go try cut out infection out me head. them say if it cut out than me will get better. drugs are work for most part just not wit infection in me head.this make no get, no worry, me no get either. me keep have real bad seisures. them is no fun.

some one sent me pic of outside day. them say it beautiful. on way back from one of them scans them stop at window an me got to see how pretty it is out. even wit the clouds it still look pretty out.

me is lost lot um wait. me bet me is as much as me dog. me use wait 125-130, now me wait 85-90. me cloths are lose. real lose. me no look to good. me is go go as skeleton for halloween. it a joke, lol. me is all white an me look like ghost or zombie. so this leave me options open. who kno by halloween me could act be a ghost. me is go start protien shake or what eve u call them. me just have find good one, so if u kno good one, please say me.
me like halloween. me member that me parents had bunny costume an all us kids were bunny for halloween til us was to big to be bunny. me went as ninja lot times. one year me even went as dead princess. me no think there any pics so you is sol, sorry out luck, lol.
me think halloween last year me stay home wit me dad an ate all candy cuz all the kids were in me granma hood. no joke. if u eve go to st jo dur halloween all kids in town go to deer park to trick an treat. us went there lot when us were kid. it get so pack that u can no drive thro any of them streets. u can get wole trash bag full of candy. but me watch ghost hunters live wit me dad, well him fell sleep, so me watch it. me ate all candy an me was sit in dark watch ghost hunters. if me is out by then or no a ghost, me is go sit at home lone watch halloween stuff.

me has spent most time me is wake watch cosby, this channel call tbn. it have lot of cool cartoons on. me learn bit bout god stuff. me watch wizards of waverly place an gaithers.

so me has some asks an me is go ask them here cuz persons just avoid me if me ask them. so me ask them here
- who is god? - if him is me father than do that mean me have 2 dads? - who is jesus? - the bible is god's word right? - what is heaven? - what is hell? - what is a blessing? - what do it mean to admire?

them is just few me has.

me has got sick er. me has be have lot seisures. me has be puke lot of blood. an me temp is now 106.0. :/

one thing me real like is some the things bambam say. her say to me that what eve me blog bout is important to her cuz it important to me. me like lot things me friends say. me jus no take well cuz it is weird for me to hear them things.

me has this thing call messages from god. Josi ask me to do it on facebook. the message today say this:
- On this day of your life, Brittany, we believe God wants you to know ... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you. -
 me is no sure what this mean. pray is say to god, an me has no be do this, cuz me is no sure how. how can god be answer if me has no ask?

yester day me message say this:
- On this day, God wants you to know...that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about. -
  how do u forgive u? forgive mean to say sorry? so me would be say sorry to me? me is no sure what them talk bout. an so many me friends are like ya listen this. so now me feel dumb, cuz it sound like me should kno an me no kno. 


me hate when me feel dumb. me is alread dumb, an it no help when others add to it. me has decide me is go clean out me facebook friends. not that me has many real friends on facebook. what a loser me is. no joke. so me is ask most me friends if them want stay friends. if me no ask that cuz me alread kno u answer.  


me has surgery morrow. ya, it scare me. me no kno why. guess cuz me feel all lone. but that me. me also feel persons just walk all over me an no me no llow it. it is like me is no important. me could die an be dead for weeks, an me no think persons would even kno or care. me is frustrate. 


me need some major friend time, me need some major person time.