the end

this is the end. the end of this adventure. one i was hoping that i would not end until after the whole court thing, but sadly i must. i must because even tho the blog is for me and to benefit me it has been doing harm that was never meant to be done. i am sorry for the harm done....

today has been one rough day, but that is the story of my life. i was told to day that i make people feel like crap, that i am a jerk, and that i do nothing but throw pity parties in my blog.
yesterday, i talked to a person, who is my friend on facebook, who wanted to know if i was better yet so that we could be friends again. they told me how they just could not deal with me being sick and retarded, so they stopped being my friend, they said it was easier. they said they had just started reading my blog and that things seemed to be going better so they wanted to start being my friend again. after a few messages, and hearing that they had talked to me a few times during the hospital and reading previous messages, i got pissed off. this person started saying i should do this or that, write about this or that, remove this or that from my blog. they told me how they had tried being a friend while i was in the hospital but they could not deal with lying to me, or making promises she knew she could not keep. then she said something that just set me off, she said it would have been better if god would have took you home instead of leaving me here as a retard, that the world already had enough of those. i lost it, and i wrote last nights blog post. most of which was geared towards her. i was so effing pissed.
i had a message that she sent last night waiting for me this morning and she said i was a horrible person and crap. so i deleted her and blocked her after reminding her of what she had said and how she is supposed to be a christian. i felt horrible for it but it was what was right. then i get a message from someone else and i wanted to tell them that it was not geared towards them, but i already felt so low and felt that telling this person that would just make things worse. so i took it.
it is my fault. every single thing is my fault and i will own up to it. i in no way wanted to just point out who i was talking about, like usu, so i just left it to a general sense. and it was taken that way. i have had 5 people come to me since i posted it all saying around the same things. do not worry this is no pitty party at all.
i should have done this a long time ago, but stupid me thought to go a head and keep going, and now i am here. to the point where i am probably going to lose more than one friend from what i write. so i am ending the blog today.
sure there are a lot of reasons as to why i should an could be unhappy but i am not. if anything i am scared and i used this blog to help get past those fears. but people do not understand and will not understand until they are in my shoes, dealing with what i am dealing with. it may seem lame and not that big a deal to everyone else, but to me, well i guess to me i can agree that i am lame.


i have learned in just a few months, half a year, from what i blogged and from just these last two months, that life is not fair. promises and a word given are sometimes broken, that plans never go the way you expect, and that life is full of twists and turns whether good or bad.

 i try my best to keep a smile on my face and be as kind as possible. i think i am handling things very well compared to the way i could be. it is clear that i cannot communicate well at all, and that my words do more damage than help. so with this last post i am ending this dumb idea of mine and going to start handling things the way i would without the blog.

i do not know what my future holds. who knows?  maybe in a few weeks someone will find me and i will be beat an left to die in a cold an lonely way. maybe by the weekend i will recieve great news about the case. maybe in a year or two i will be close to normal functioning and i will be heading out to try and be what i want to be in life. maybe before the night is over the world will come to an end.
no one knows the future. we all wish we did. it is a good thing we do not.

this adventure has been one hell of a ride. a ride that should have ended quite a few times. a ride that has destroyed who i once was an created who i now am. this ride has brought me to a point where it is hard to function and think like everyone else, but has also taught me that those very things are what set me apart from everyone else.

i began with little life, lot of struggling, and a weak will. i leave with life, hope, and strength. and i know that no matter what comes my way i can face it. so today i silence a voice that has been a big part of my life, a part of me. i end it with a bit of grief. it is not the end of the journey because the end of the journey has yet to come. and when it does come it will not be the end but the beginning of another adventure.

o what i can say

i still tip toe around in MY blog....which is bull shit. yep, that is right and i am very disappointed in myself for this.

ugh....it has been one hell of a week. tomorrow will offically be one week that i have been here. what a week it has been man.

i expected to come back and be at my dads all the time, hardly ever going any where, trying to do everything on my own, and blah blah blah.
but i got here and i was wrong. seemed like heading out of moberly the only two people that i had really been able to talk to were jasi and kendra. i was so glad about it too...seemed everyone else just either did not care or were to busy to. i know it seems rude but put yourself in my shoes....i am not lieing when i say i pretty much felt alone and abandoned. the people that i was supposed to be able to talk to were not there, too busy, really did not care, or all of the above.

some may get mad from readying this but if you are getting mad, then i hope it is at yourself and not me. i have took the blame far to long for things, things that were not even my fault, mainly because it seemed that the way people acted, talked, or responded to me made me feel i was r'esponsible for everything. so i blamed myself for stuff, for others, for a long time. it is like when parents get divorced, they blame the kids for everything, or the kids take the blame upon themselves for everything....that is how i felt, no matter what it was my fault.
i do not care if you get mad or not, i do not care if you get mad at me.
i am tired of people making me feel as if i am less than them. i am tired of being treated like a retard. it is not cool. i am a person, i have my defects but so does everyone else. i am tired of friends not being supportive, helpful, or understanding.
i may be lost in my mind, i may be someone totally different than who i used to be, but it is not my fault. i do blame myself for a lot of it. it is not fair to me that i get treated like shit by so many when i have not treated anyone that way. it would be different if i would have asked for all this but i did not.

it is the worse feeling in the world to feel alone, to feel abandoned.

my plan for my first night back, was to stay at my dads house at night, alone, while dad was at work and dustin gone, and basically just have soda and a hard drink mix and help myself sleep. i thought i was going to be a total wreck. and i was sure i was going to need help sleeping.
kendra had other plans for me tho. i think either way i would have went to have dinner with her. whether i was teary eyed or not.
what is awesome is that we have only been reconnected for going on 3 weeks, and it took hardly no time to warm up to her and ernie. i mean i still am warming up, but it only took me a few hours, a few days to be okay with being round them nd doing things with them. my second night here i stayed at their house. i have been over here most of the week.

i hve made kendra frustrated, and made her feel bad.....i hve not meant too.
i think if kendra and ernie were not in my life, had not entered my life when they did, that this first week of being back would hve been horrible.
i felt like everyone had given up on me, no one wanted me, i was tired of lies, i was tired of feeling worthless. i was ready to give up, i had no reason to continue fighting, as much as i wanted too there was no reason too. i thought i was coming back to a place where i would be alone, going through everything alone. ya,i know, everyone is there in spirit, but that really does no good, it does not help. i was going to be physically alone. that has been a big issue of mine for the last 2-3 months, i have been dealing with stuff physically alone, or a good majority of the time.
now i have kendra and ernie who are actually physically there or here. and today after listening to them talk, i have no reason not to trust them. i have no doubt that they will kick ass or shoot someone if it comes to it.

i hve a list of things to do this next week, including clening the house. my brother moved out which means it is just dad nd i. so the house is going to be orgnized and cleaned adn rearranged. dad adn i are also going to set rules for the family. i am supposed to go to my aunts tomorrow but if it is snowing and stuff out, forget it. i need to go to my granmas and visit her for  bit. i hve to give the dogs a bath, ugh nd i need to find help giving elvis a bath, he is the difficult one.

tomorrow tho i am going to go home for that night and the next night. it is vday and i am giving tht day to ernie n kendra.

last night i slept well. i slept hard, i did not move, i did not wake except when i woke for good. i was woke up, i tried going to sleep. i was a bit frustrated, but i got over that. after about an hour i decided that i was not going to get back to sleep. i got up and so far i have not felt totally exhausted, which is a change.

effiing cold

man it is so effing cold. i am freezing my ass off, no joke. ugh!

today has been a frustrating day. i did not sleep last night, as i was freezing my ass off and paranoid as hell. kendra told me to text her but i had gave my dad my word and could not go back on it. he was pissed off at me cuz i wanted spaghetti, and he was going to fix it, but i had not been home at all that day. so he told me if i stayed home he would make me spaghetti. so i have been home all day. freezing my effing ass off. no joke.
i nailed my "closet curtain" up over the window to try to make it semi warmer in here. it has not worked well. -15 windchill for tonight. this morning i felt like i was going to be horribly sick because of the germs in this house and then the cold adding to it. i have had the space heater on all day on high, as high as it will go, and it is still freezing in here.

i went with dad to run errands this am. he went and got food from walmart, then he went and paid cable bill, and then he went to the irs and had me go get the forms he needed...this took 30 mins. ugh! and then i could not figure out how to work the elevator, talk a bout a freaking idiot, yep that is me. it was not like most elevators. i kept trying to figure it out thinking if i pressed that silver button that it would set off the fire alarm. finally i figured screw it, if the alarm went off that i would be escorted out of the building. i pushed it and the elevator doors opened. we got home and he finally put the deadbolt in the door. it took him an hour but he got it done. no one is getting in that door unless the kick it in, or some other way.
my dad says i am paranoid....duh!

he is making spaghetti for me tonight. yay me! i am going to kendra and ernies for the night though.

i got all unpacked and organized. helped turn my brothers room into mine. i found 3 half empty beer cans in my desk in his room. he broke his contract with dad but dad refuses to kick him out. it is bs if you ask me.

i am hungry, cold, tired, and frustrated. i would be good to hear from people, i never shoot anyone a message cuz i feel like a bother.

i am going to go fix a sandwhich. nd pack some things for tonight. stay warm!

junior

just for the record junior just ran up behind me and shocked me. i have no clue what he is chasing but it is invisible to me. it is funny watching him.

last few nights i have stayed with kendra and ernie. it has been really nice. and i am surprised at myself. why? because it took me forever to be ok with the idea of staying at debbies, and after just a week and one day visiting them, i have stayed two nights. i did make a promise that i would stay the first night, and i keep my promises, or try too.
we went down to the state building an applied for food stamps, i got them, we were there for a while. there were people i knew, so i was a bit freaked out.
- junior just threw his toy at my head -
i was freaked out just about going but i went. i could have applied for medicaid right then too, but i was really starting to freak out, i was bout to start crying. it was that bad. i did not get that done, boo on me. i felt so horrible. i was frustrated,  kendra was frustrated, and i could not explain to her why.....i just knew i had to leave. and leave we did. i was so disappointed in myself and felt even worse because i knew kendra was not too happy. i just wanted to go home at that point and hide, color, and cry. i am still pretty upset with myself.
i guess it is true, i am REALLY hard on myself. i will not stop beating myself up over this one for a week or two. ugh! UGH!

i got back to town and i cut my hair. was going to do a six but it did not seem to be doing anything..so i did a five and it is really short. i was skyping with piglet and i looked at my video feed at the bottom corner and you can see where the hair is gone from one of the scars, but i guess i notice it because i know where it is...piglet did not until i pointed it out to her. it is hard to see the scars...i am not sure if this is a good thing or not.

the first night i stayed with kendra and ernie we had pizza, and i was sitting there eating it watching the news, and i kept forgetting where i was..it was not that i did not know i was at their house, i did not know what town, or state i was in. i was watching the news thinking to myself how did they get fox 4 kc news here, we are in moberly, and then i would remember no we are in town. this happened every few minutes for like an hour. ugh! and then i was thinking it would be so cool if a bunch of us hung out, and then i remembered that we all are in different towns. this forgetting where i am rarely happens any more.
one thing about me is fo sho tho, i do not let on to when i am in these moments, and same goes for pain.

i have been doing pretty good i think, for all that we have been doing the last few days. yesterday we were going to the store and i about started crying...i thought it was sunday, and i was all sad because i thought i was missing church at rff.
it feels like it has been a week. i have not been very active on facebook or texting, infact stephen told me it is like i just dropped off the face of the earth...haha, if only.

we have been out most of the day, i have been on the go from place to place basically since i got here.

i am afraid of running into pepole i know, and it has already happened, i am sre there are people who know me that i do not remember.
i feel fine and safe around kendra and ernie, but out and about, i am freaked, i clam up....it is not noticable, or too noticable.

my first night i did not get back to my dads til like 230 am, my dad was at work and the dogs were happy to see me. my brothers room has both the windows broken out, the front door does not stay shut and when locked you can push it open, the window on the door is broken out. there are other things about the house too but i do not want to give away secrets. over my brothers windows are two trash bags, the thin piece of cardboard i put in my windos to hold them up, plastic and a blanket. you can hear everything, like if you were outside.
kendra had just left and i heard car doors, and then the front door open. i was just laying down for bed, and now i was freaked. i went in my/dustins room and grabbed my phone and cane, i was ready to fight and hit the panic button on my phone, and a person came around the corner and the dogs were not barking, it was my dad. i forgot that he told me he started coming home again on his lunch breaks. ugh, dad! scared the living ship out of me! i did not get to bed til 4 and i did not get much sleep at all.
that mornig i decided to just give up on sleeping, bubbles and elvis use my kitten as their play toy so all night the dogs are chasing the cat and the cat chasing the dogs, running all over me, ugh! but it is ok.

i got up and i started cleaning the bath room. i have before an after photos. i need to get a mat for the tub. it took me forever. i got the toliet, tub, and sink clean as could. now on to the rest of the house. my room is going to take a while....my brother totally tore it up, i know that he was not the only one, but he took my desk, my tv, my photo of dogs playing pool, my bed, ugh! i do not understand my family at all. my sister took my girlish clothes, was wearing my swade winter jacket.

there is a lot i could say and put in this post but i just do not want too. today my head and legs hurt, and i feel like just crying, and then i also feel really insecure, disappointed and frustrated, in/with myself.

my new word is ugh! ugh, no joke!

stardust

man yesterday, monday, was quite the day. i did not sleep well. i went to bed at like 10 sunday night and woke up at 1130 ready to start the day. i woke up at 2, 3, and then 5. i have not been sleeping well. i got up at 5 and just kept praying that it would be a good day, cuz that is what i needed. we had breakfast together, it was great! i was slow to finish but, i am just slow in general. ash left after giving me a hug and wishing me good luck. it was an odd way to say bye, but it worked. the morning was spent with stephen coming and going and me finishing packing in spurts. jess and cady finally came out. cady was acting all crazy. i had finished cleaning the room and packing. jess stephen and i had talked some and ate pizza. soon my dad was there. we loaded up and stephen and i said our goodbyes...he looked like he was ready to cry, the poor guy, i gave him a hug and left.
it was not how i expected it to be. earlier i was on the verge of tears and then i was in tears after stephen sscared both cady and me. i was at peace the whole time, which was strange.
we pulled out and went to mcdonalds cuz dad had not ate. i walked in and ordered and bought his food. i had it typed out and showed it to the cashier, she did not speak to me the whole time, would not even look at me. it was kinda rude. while waiting this older guy came up to me and said, you know they do not use canes any more, what you do is sign your order than they will give it to you for free cuz they think you are deaf. ...it was great!
the whole way back my phone was on the verge of dying. we had just made it back and got it plugged it, any later and it would have died. i unpacked the car, dad did not help. then we had to go get my sister from the hospital...she is ok, she just freaks out abot every little thing and just has to go to the er. ugh.
this put off my plans by an hour or two. i got home and finished cutting my hair, and i got ready to go to kendra and ernies. i was shaking from nerves, and from the chill out side. they showed up, at the wrong house, i told them go one more block, i am staring at you. i am not sure how they missed me. i was the only creep standing on the side walk, lol.
we got to their house and it was nice. i did not feel nervous anymore, and i felt safe and comfortable. no joke. we had dinner and it was great, than we watched a movie. ernie went to bed and kendra and i just talked. it was nice.
and here i am at the house again. when i first arrived bubbles was happy to see me! stardust and elvis came up to me too. kept knocking me over.

i turned my brothers room into my room, since he trashed mine, or helped trash it. ugh there is a lot of cleaning for me to do.

today is going to be a semi busy day, i really do not want to do work on this day but got to do what i got to do.
my throat is hurting me, tho i have not talked, and i am tired. bubbles and stardust are laying next to me ready for bed...i think we shall sleep!

The dead zone

Watching some of these episodes just makes me cringe.

I have trigger memories,  memories that are triggered by something. It could be a person place thing.. ...anything.

Johnny wakes up after being in a car accident, sustaining major brain damage, and being in a coma .....he wakes up 6 years after the accident.
Everything had changed. It took him a year just to begin to adjust. Took him a while to learn how to walk without a cane.

The dead zone used to be one of my favorite shows. ....according to my Facebook.

I have always wondered why I have trouble walking.. ..wondering if my legs were injured or what. ..but it seems with brain injuries it is a complication.
To bad I did not get the ability that he did.. ...that would be sweet I think. ...OK no it would not be.. ..never mind.

Tonight is my last night here. I am laying in bed typing this out. This morning I was fine and now  I am beginning to freak out.

Tomorrow will be interesting and I would really just like it to be a good day.  I want to leave on a good note.

Busy busy day tomorrow. I just hope it is not one I Will go through alone.

full day

this is my last full day in moberly.

for about 2 hours i was in a really good relaxed comfortable mood. i was able to be myself. when i say myself i mean the child me...that is who i am. i act like a child when i feel really comfortable. i flapped my lips a lot today, it was hilarious. then i blew on my hand and it made this huge farting noise which made cady jump, and it was REALLY funny. i was having fun doing the most annoying things.

tonight will be my last night spent with ash. i cherish my time with her. i do not know if i will ever see her again. i will get to spend tomorrow and monday morning with her a bit, but she will be rushing to eat and get ready for work, so it is not the same.

stephen text me this morning and said you know no one is mad at you right? .....it does not seem that way and i do not feel like no one is mad. i feel the complete opposite. which would explain a lot. i feel like i have done something wrong, i feel ignored a lot. i try so hard to be a part of things, especially this house. i do not know if it because my head is so screwed up, or if it is because i cannot talk, but it has to be something wrong with me.

maybe no one is mad....maybe my frustration just is blinding me. i have not changed since i have been here. i may have become more reserved given everything that has happened the last few weeks, but i really have not changed. i really have not done anything different since i have been here either.
i do not understand why it is so hard for people to talk to me, i am not deaf, i am just stupid and mute.

tomorrow i have church, or i hope i do. i have not asked for a ride yet. then monday i am packing up and heading out.

i do not think people understand what it is like to be me...well they cannot. unless they have been in a similar situation, they cannot understand. i am so frustrated with this whole situation. i am scared, and i am having a heck of a time understanding things. people do not understand how easily i get freaked out. i was finally getting over the freaking out about moving to debbies and then things changed and i am back to freaking out a lot.

monday night i am going to have dinner with friends. i am excited to see them, but it is like meeting them for the first time again. i am a lil freaked, i will be more freaked when it gets closer to actual time to see them. they understand this, which is good.

anyways. i am willing to send texts a few times a day to anyone to let people know that i am fine, so if you would like me too, let me know.
i am still trying to figure out emergancy contacts, whether or not i want to rewrite my will and stuff.

things lately have been changing way to fast and it is hard for me to just go with it all and understand. i have to adjust and it is hard when things change in a matter of a day.

i am uncertain of the good in life, i am uncertain of the bad in life. i am just uncertain of life. there is no shame in that.