this is my last full day in moberly.
for about 2 hours i was in a really good relaxed comfortable mood. i was able to be myself. when i say myself i mean the child me...that is who i am. i act like a child when i feel really comfortable. i flapped my lips a lot today, it was hilarious. then i blew on my hand and it made this huge farting noise which made cady jump, and it was REALLY funny. i was having fun doing the most annoying things.
tonight will be my last night spent with ash. i cherish my time with her. i do not know if i will ever see her again. i will get to spend tomorrow and monday morning with her a bit, but she will be rushing to eat and get ready for work, so it is not the same.
stephen text me this morning and said you know no one is mad at you right? .....it does not seem that way and i do not feel like no one is mad. i feel the complete opposite. which would explain a lot. i feel like i have done something wrong, i feel ignored a lot. i try so hard to be a part of things, especially this house. i do not know if it because my head is so screwed up, or if it is because i cannot talk, but it has to be something wrong with me.
maybe no one is mad....maybe my frustration just is blinding me. i have not changed since i have been here. i may have become more reserved given everything that has happened the last few weeks, but i really have not changed. i really have not done anything different since i have been here either.
i do not understand why it is so hard for people to talk to me, i am not deaf, i am just stupid and mute.
tomorrow i have church, or i hope i do. i have not asked for a ride yet. then monday i am packing up and heading out.
i do not think people understand what it is like to be me...well they cannot. unless they have been in a similar situation, they cannot understand. i am so frustrated with this whole situation. i am scared, and i am having a heck of a time understanding things. people do not understand how easily i get freaked out. i was finally getting over the freaking out about moving to debbies and then things changed and i am back to freaking out a lot.
monday night i am going to have dinner with friends. i am excited to see them, but it is like meeting them for the first time again. i am a lil freaked, i will be more freaked when it gets closer to actual time to see them. they understand this, which is good.
anyways. i am willing to send texts a few times a day to anyone to let people know that i am fine, so if you would like me too, let me know.
i am still trying to figure out emergancy contacts, whether or not i want to rewrite my will and stuff.
things lately have been changing way to fast and it is hard for me to just go with it all and understand. i have to adjust and it is hard when things change in a matter of a day.
i am uncertain of the good in life, i am uncertain of the bad in life. i am just uncertain of life. there is no shame in that.
for about 2 hours i was in a really good relaxed comfortable mood. i was able to be myself. when i say myself i mean the child me...that is who i am. i act like a child when i feel really comfortable. i flapped my lips a lot today, it was hilarious. then i blew on my hand and it made this huge farting noise which made cady jump, and it was REALLY funny. i was having fun doing the most annoying things.
tonight will be my last night spent with ash. i cherish my time with her. i do not know if i will ever see her again. i will get to spend tomorrow and monday morning with her a bit, but she will be rushing to eat and get ready for work, so it is not the same.
stephen text me this morning and said you know no one is mad at you right? .....it does not seem that way and i do not feel like no one is mad. i feel the complete opposite. which would explain a lot. i feel like i have done something wrong, i feel ignored a lot. i try so hard to be a part of things, especially this house. i do not know if it because my head is so screwed up, or if it is because i cannot talk, but it has to be something wrong with me.
maybe no one is mad....maybe my frustration just is blinding me. i have not changed since i have been here. i may have become more reserved given everything that has happened the last few weeks, but i really have not changed. i really have not done anything different since i have been here either.
i do not understand why it is so hard for people to talk to me, i am not deaf, i am just stupid and mute.
tomorrow i have church, or i hope i do. i have not asked for a ride yet. then monday i am packing up and heading out.
i do not think people understand what it is like to be me...well they cannot. unless they have been in a similar situation, they cannot understand. i am so frustrated with this whole situation. i am scared, and i am having a heck of a time understanding things. people do not understand how easily i get freaked out. i was finally getting over the freaking out about moving to debbies and then things changed and i am back to freaking out a lot.
monday night i am going to have dinner with friends. i am excited to see them, but it is like meeting them for the first time again. i am a lil freaked, i will be more freaked when it gets closer to actual time to see them. they understand this, which is good.
anyways. i am willing to send texts a few times a day to anyone to let people know that i am fine, so if you would like me too, let me know.
i am still trying to figure out emergancy contacts, whether or not i want to rewrite my will and stuff.
things lately have been changing way to fast and it is hard for me to just go with it all and understand. i have to adjust and it is hard when things change in a matter of a day.
i am uncertain of the good in life, i am uncertain of the bad in life. i am just uncertain of life. there is no shame in that.
No comments:
Post a Comment