just for the record junior just ran up behind me and shocked me. i have no clue what he is chasing but it is invisible to me. it is funny watching him.
last few nights i have stayed with kendra and ernie. it has been really nice. and i am surprised at myself. why? because it took me forever to be ok with the idea of staying at debbies, and after just a week and one day visiting them, i have stayed two nights. i did make a promise that i would stay the first night, and i keep my promises, or try too.
we went down to the state building an applied for food stamps, i got them, we were there for a while. there were people i knew, so i was a bit freaked out.
- junior just threw his toy at my head -
i was freaked out just about going but i went. i could have applied for medicaid right then too, but i was really starting to freak out, i was bout to start crying. it was that bad. i did not get that done, boo on me. i felt so horrible. i was frustrated, kendra was frustrated, and i could not explain to her why.....i just knew i had to leave. and leave we did. i was so disappointed in myself and felt even worse because i knew kendra was not too happy. i just wanted to go home at that point and hide, color, and cry. i am still pretty upset with myself.
i guess it is true, i am REALLY hard on myself. i will not stop beating myself up over this one for a week or two. ugh! UGH!
i got back to town and i cut my hair. was going to do a six but it did not seem to be doing anything..so i did a five and it is really short. i was skyping with piglet and i looked at my video feed at the bottom corner and you can see where the hair is gone from one of the scars, but i guess i notice it because i know where it is...piglet did not until i pointed it out to her. it is hard to see the scars...i am not sure if this is a good thing or not.
the first night i stayed with kendra and ernie we had pizza, and i was sitting there eating it watching the news, and i kept forgetting where i was..it was not that i did not know i was at their house, i did not know what town, or state i was in. i was watching the news thinking to myself how did they get fox 4 kc news here, we are in moberly, and then i would remember no we are in town. this happened every few minutes for like an hour. ugh! and then i was thinking it would be so cool if a bunch of us hung out, and then i remembered that we all are in different towns. this forgetting where i am rarely happens any more.
one thing about me is fo sho tho, i do not let on to when i am in these moments, and same goes for pain.
i have been doing pretty good i think, for all that we have been doing the last few days. yesterday we were going to the store and i about started crying...i thought it was sunday, and i was all sad because i thought i was missing church at rff.
it feels like it has been a week. i have not been very active on facebook or texting, infact stephen told me it is like i just dropped off the face of the earth...haha, if only.
we have been out most of the day, i have been on the go from place to place basically since i got here.
i am afraid of running into pepole i know, and it has already happened, i am sre there are people who know me that i do not remember.
i feel fine and safe around kendra and ernie, but out and about, i am freaked, i clam up....it is not noticable, or too noticable.
my first night i did not get back to my dads til like 230 am, my dad was at work and the dogs were happy to see me. my brothers room has both the windows broken out, the front door does not stay shut and when locked you can push it open, the window on the door is broken out. there are other things about the house too but i do not want to give away secrets. over my brothers windows are two trash bags, the thin piece of cardboard i put in my windos to hold them up, plastic and a blanket. you can hear everything, like if you were outside.
kendra had just left and i heard car doors, and then the front door open. i was just laying down for bed, and now i was freaked. i went in my/dustins room and grabbed my phone and cane, i was ready to fight and hit the panic button on my phone, and a person came around the corner and the dogs were not barking, it was my dad. i forgot that he told me he started coming home again on his lunch breaks. ugh, dad! scared the living ship out of me! i did not get to bed til 4 and i did not get much sleep at all.
that mornig i decided to just give up on sleeping, bubbles and elvis use my kitten as their play toy so all night the dogs are chasing the cat and the cat chasing the dogs, running all over me, ugh! but it is ok.
i got up and i started cleaning the bath room. i have before an after photos. i need to get a mat for the tub. it took me forever. i got the toliet, tub, and sink clean as could. now on to the rest of the house. my room is going to take a while....my brother totally tore it up, i know that he was not the only one, but he took my desk, my tv, my photo of dogs playing pool, my bed, ugh! i do not understand my family at all. my sister took my girlish clothes, was wearing my swade winter jacket.
there is a lot i could say and put in this post but i just do not want too. today my head and legs hurt, and i feel like just crying, and then i also feel really insecure, disappointed and frustrated, in/with myself.
my new word is ugh! ugh, no joke!
last few nights i have stayed with kendra and ernie. it has been really nice. and i am surprised at myself. why? because it took me forever to be ok with the idea of staying at debbies, and after just a week and one day visiting them, i have stayed two nights. i did make a promise that i would stay the first night, and i keep my promises, or try too.
we went down to the state building an applied for food stamps, i got them, we were there for a while. there were people i knew, so i was a bit freaked out.
- junior just threw his toy at my head -
i was freaked out just about going but i went. i could have applied for medicaid right then too, but i was really starting to freak out, i was bout to start crying. it was that bad. i did not get that done, boo on me. i felt so horrible. i was frustrated, kendra was frustrated, and i could not explain to her why.....i just knew i had to leave. and leave we did. i was so disappointed in myself and felt even worse because i knew kendra was not too happy. i just wanted to go home at that point and hide, color, and cry. i am still pretty upset with myself.
i guess it is true, i am REALLY hard on myself. i will not stop beating myself up over this one for a week or two. ugh! UGH!
i got back to town and i cut my hair. was going to do a six but it did not seem to be doing anything..so i did a five and it is really short. i was skyping with piglet and i looked at my video feed at the bottom corner and you can see where the hair is gone from one of the scars, but i guess i notice it because i know where it is...piglet did not until i pointed it out to her. it is hard to see the scars...i am not sure if this is a good thing or not.
the first night i stayed with kendra and ernie we had pizza, and i was sitting there eating it watching the news, and i kept forgetting where i was..it was not that i did not know i was at their house, i did not know what town, or state i was in. i was watching the news thinking to myself how did they get fox 4 kc news here, we are in moberly, and then i would remember no we are in town. this happened every few minutes for like an hour. ugh! and then i was thinking it would be so cool if a bunch of us hung out, and then i remembered that we all are in different towns. this forgetting where i am rarely happens any more.
one thing about me is fo sho tho, i do not let on to when i am in these moments, and same goes for pain.
i have been doing pretty good i think, for all that we have been doing the last few days. yesterday we were going to the store and i about started crying...i thought it was sunday, and i was all sad because i thought i was missing church at rff.
it feels like it has been a week. i have not been very active on facebook or texting, infact stephen told me it is like i just dropped off the face of the earth...haha, if only.
we have been out most of the day, i have been on the go from place to place basically since i got here.
i am afraid of running into pepole i know, and it has already happened, i am sre there are people who know me that i do not remember.
i feel fine and safe around kendra and ernie, but out and about, i am freaked, i clam up....it is not noticable, or too noticable.
my first night i did not get back to my dads til like 230 am, my dad was at work and the dogs were happy to see me. my brothers room has both the windows broken out, the front door does not stay shut and when locked you can push it open, the window on the door is broken out. there are other things about the house too but i do not want to give away secrets. over my brothers windows are two trash bags, the thin piece of cardboard i put in my windos to hold them up, plastic and a blanket. you can hear everything, like if you were outside.
kendra had just left and i heard car doors, and then the front door open. i was just laying down for bed, and now i was freaked. i went in my/dustins room and grabbed my phone and cane, i was ready to fight and hit the panic button on my phone, and a person came around the corner and the dogs were not barking, it was my dad. i forgot that he told me he started coming home again on his lunch breaks. ugh, dad! scared the living ship out of me! i did not get to bed til 4 and i did not get much sleep at all.
that mornig i decided to just give up on sleeping, bubbles and elvis use my kitten as their play toy so all night the dogs are chasing the cat and the cat chasing the dogs, running all over me, ugh! but it is ok.
i got up and i started cleaning the bath room. i have before an after photos. i need to get a mat for the tub. it took me forever. i got the toliet, tub, and sink clean as could. now on to the rest of the house. my room is going to take a while....my brother totally tore it up, i know that he was not the only one, but he took my desk, my tv, my photo of dogs playing pool, my bed, ugh! i do not understand my family at all. my sister took my girlish clothes, was wearing my swade winter jacket.
there is a lot i could say and put in this post but i just do not want too. today my head and legs hurt, and i feel like just crying, and then i also feel really insecure, disappointed and frustrated, in/with myself.
my new word is ugh! ugh, no joke!
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