i still tip toe around in MY blog....which is bull shit. yep, that is right and i am very disappointed in myself for this.
ugh....it has been one hell of a week. tomorrow will offically be one week that i have been here. what a week it has been man.
i expected to come back and be at my dads all the time, hardly ever going any where, trying to do everything on my own, and blah blah blah.
but i got here and i was wrong. seemed like heading out of moberly the only two people that i had really been able to talk to were jasi and kendra. i was so glad about it too...seemed everyone else just either did not care or were to busy to. i know it seems rude but put yourself in my shoes....i am not lieing when i say i pretty much felt alone and abandoned. the people that i was supposed to be able to talk to were not there, too busy, really did not care, or all of the above.
some may get mad from readying this but if you are getting mad, then i hope it is at yourself and not me. i have took the blame far to long for things, things that were not even my fault, mainly because it seemed that the way people acted, talked, or responded to me made me feel i was r'esponsible for everything. so i blamed myself for stuff, for others, for a long time. it is like when parents get divorced, they blame the kids for everything, or the kids take the blame upon themselves for everything....that is how i felt, no matter what it was my fault.
i do not care if you get mad or not, i do not care if you get mad at me.
i am tired of people making me feel as if i am less than them. i am tired of being treated like a retard. it is not cool. i am a person, i have my defects but so does everyone else. i am tired of friends not being supportive, helpful, or understanding.
i may be lost in my mind, i may be someone totally different than who i used to be, but it is not my fault. i do blame myself for a lot of it. it is not fair to me that i get treated like shit by so many when i have not treated anyone that way. it would be different if i would have asked for all this but i did not.
it is the worse feeling in the world to feel alone, to feel abandoned.
my plan for my first night back, was to stay at my dads house at night, alone, while dad was at work and dustin gone, and basically just have soda and a hard drink mix and help myself sleep. i thought i was going to be a total wreck. and i was sure i was going to need help sleeping.
kendra had other plans for me tho. i think either way i would have went to have dinner with her. whether i was teary eyed or not.
what is awesome is that we have only been reconnected for going on 3 weeks, and it took hardly no time to warm up to her and ernie. i mean i still am warming up, but it only took me a few hours, a few days to be okay with being round them nd doing things with them. my second night here i stayed at their house. i have been over here most of the week.
i hve made kendra frustrated, and made her feel bad.....i hve not meant too.
i think if kendra and ernie were not in my life, had not entered my life when they did, that this first week of being back would hve been horrible.
i felt like everyone had given up on me, no one wanted me, i was tired of lies, i was tired of feeling worthless. i was ready to give up, i had no reason to continue fighting, as much as i wanted too there was no reason too. i thought i was coming back to a place where i would be alone, going through everything alone. ya,i know, everyone is there in spirit, but that really does no good, it does not help. i was going to be physically alone. that has been a big issue of mine for the last 2-3 months, i have been dealing with stuff physically alone, or a good majority of the time.
now i have kendra and ernie who are actually physically there or here. and today after listening to them talk, i have no reason not to trust them. i have no doubt that they will kick ass or shoot someone if it comes to it.
i hve a list of things to do this next week, including clening the house. my brother moved out which means it is just dad nd i. so the house is going to be orgnized and cleaned adn rearranged. dad adn i are also going to set rules for the family. i am supposed to go to my aunts tomorrow but if it is snowing and stuff out, forget it. i need to go to my granmas and visit her for bit. i hve to give the dogs a bath, ugh nd i need to find help giving elvis a bath, he is the difficult one.
tomorrow tho i am going to go home for that night and the next night. it is vday and i am giving tht day to ernie n kendra.
last night i slept well. i slept hard, i did not move, i did not wake except when i woke for good. i was woke up, i tried going to sleep. i was a bit frustrated, but i got over that. after about an hour i decided that i was not going to get back to sleep. i got up and so far i have not felt totally exhausted, which is a change.
ugh....it has been one hell of a week. tomorrow will offically be one week that i have been here. what a week it has been man.
i expected to come back and be at my dads all the time, hardly ever going any where, trying to do everything on my own, and blah blah blah.
but i got here and i was wrong. seemed like heading out of moberly the only two people that i had really been able to talk to were jasi and kendra. i was so glad about it too...seemed everyone else just either did not care or were to busy to. i know it seems rude but put yourself in my shoes....i am not lieing when i say i pretty much felt alone and abandoned. the people that i was supposed to be able to talk to were not there, too busy, really did not care, or all of the above.
some may get mad from readying this but if you are getting mad, then i hope it is at yourself and not me. i have took the blame far to long for things, things that were not even my fault, mainly because it seemed that the way people acted, talked, or responded to me made me feel i was r'esponsible for everything. so i blamed myself for stuff, for others, for a long time. it is like when parents get divorced, they blame the kids for everything, or the kids take the blame upon themselves for everything....that is how i felt, no matter what it was my fault.
i do not care if you get mad or not, i do not care if you get mad at me.
i am tired of people making me feel as if i am less than them. i am tired of being treated like a retard. it is not cool. i am a person, i have my defects but so does everyone else. i am tired of friends not being supportive, helpful, or understanding.
i may be lost in my mind, i may be someone totally different than who i used to be, but it is not my fault. i do blame myself for a lot of it. it is not fair to me that i get treated like shit by so many when i have not treated anyone that way. it would be different if i would have asked for all this but i did not.
it is the worse feeling in the world to feel alone, to feel abandoned.
my plan for my first night back, was to stay at my dads house at night, alone, while dad was at work and dustin gone, and basically just have soda and a hard drink mix and help myself sleep. i thought i was going to be a total wreck. and i was sure i was going to need help sleeping.
kendra had other plans for me tho. i think either way i would have went to have dinner with her. whether i was teary eyed or not.
what is awesome is that we have only been reconnected for going on 3 weeks, and it took hardly no time to warm up to her and ernie. i mean i still am warming up, but it only took me a few hours, a few days to be okay with being round them nd doing things with them. my second night here i stayed at their house. i have been over here most of the week.
i hve made kendra frustrated, and made her feel bad.....i hve not meant too.
i think if kendra and ernie were not in my life, had not entered my life when they did, that this first week of being back would hve been horrible.
i felt like everyone had given up on me, no one wanted me, i was tired of lies, i was tired of feeling worthless. i was ready to give up, i had no reason to continue fighting, as much as i wanted too there was no reason too. i thought i was coming back to a place where i would be alone, going through everything alone. ya,i know, everyone is there in spirit, but that really does no good, it does not help. i was going to be physically alone. that has been a big issue of mine for the last 2-3 months, i have been dealing with stuff physically alone, or a good majority of the time.
now i have kendra and ernie who are actually physically there or here. and today after listening to them talk, i have no reason not to trust them. i have no doubt that they will kick ass or shoot someone if it comes to it.
i hve a list of things to do this next week, including clening the house. my brother moved out which means it is just dad nd i. so the house is going to be orgnized and cleaned adn rearranged. dad adn i are also going to set rules for the family. i am supposed to go to my aunts tomorrow but if it is snowing and stuff out, forget it. i need to go to my granmas and visit her for bit. i hve to give the dogs a bath, ugh nd i need to find help giving elvis a bath, he is the difficult one.
tomorrow tho i am going to go home for that night and the next night. it is vday and i am giving tht day to ernie n kendra.
last night i slept well. i slept hard, i did not move, i did not wake except when i woke for good. i was woke up, i tried going to sleep. i was a bit frustrated, but i got over that. after about an hour i decided that i was not going to get back to sleep. i got up and so far i have not felt totally exhausted, which is a change.
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