my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

fall risk

last night was a real good reliever for me. got to talk wit bambam for the first time in what seems like forever. an me got to talk wit jasi! it was awesome. me also go talk wit ash. me loves all three them lots an lots an ......(continues into forever)!
Ohana means family. an if you are a lelo an stitch fan, like me, then you know this all too well. jasi took me in as one of the tribes members?, an it is supposed to be a family tribe. only thing is, i do not really see myself as part of any family, not even me own. no joke. i do like the idea of people supporting one nother as family. guess it is just a me thing. mean, me loves me family, but even tho them are me family, it do not feel like we are a family. get? some times me wonders if me will ever truely feel part of a family or no. maybe that is just the way it is supposed to be. *shrugs*
do not get me wrong, there are some out there that me consider family, an you know who you are. 

this am me woke, after having a rough night sleep, wit a 103.7 fever stomach hurting like crazy an just feel like me was go to up chuck everything.  me did pt. them say them has cancelled second session. boo. yes me said boo. me say boo cuz me legs are get stronger. so is rest of me.
one thing me loves is this green braceleet me has on. it says FALL RISK. haha. every time me look at it me grin an smile a bit. it is sort of a no brainer. 

me had dream last night.

bambam an i were sitting at a table an jasi was on the couch. we had just arrived at stephen an ash's house. me was so nervous bout seeing them all. an for some reason or another, me knew me could talk but was scared to because me thot if me talked them would be mad, so me did not talk. well, then us all went to me house. an me dad was sit there tell them me was lier an all sort stuff an them believed him. an me try to tell  them him was lier but all me could do was hum an say random words.

it was nice have all us there together but it broke me heart that them hated me. me guess it is a fear taht me has, that one day for some reason we will no longer be friends, an given the last few years, me do not think it is some me could take. no joke at all.

me new phone is pretty awesome. it has its bad features. but overall me has no service on it an me can do more on it than wit me phone that does have service.

me is not sure what me is do this weekend. usual there is some sort of plan. am go get off me laptop for bit. so if you send me a message me hope me get it. lol.

there are a lot of fears that me is deal wit, there are lot of things that me struggle wit, most me keep to meself, cuz to the rest the world they seem silly. doctors say me has mind of 10 year old. an still these fears an struggles are not things a 10 year old would even think about, unless, that 10 year old was like me an 30 at the age of 10. this journey rises new asks everyday, new mountains, an pops dreams that me has had for so long. its a journey of pain, bt one that will lead me to the rest of me life.