my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

Flight

yesterday as a real hard day for me. i was sooo down. i have not been that down in a long time. many times i will post a status, an that is how i will feel in the moment. sure i struggle wit stuff every hour of every day. i get down a lot. it is hard not too. esp when a lot of things suck. but last night, yesterday, i was fighting wit the thot that i had lost everything an everyone. never, in my whole time be here, had i felt as alone as i had yesterday. ya there was a guard, nurses, doctors, therapists coming in an out, but i felt i had lost all my friends, family, all hope.

i slept really good last night. i put pandora on my the classic crime station, an woke up with it on. my phone was also really hot. reminder to never leave it under my pillow again.

i had pt at 9. decided to do both sessions at one time. breaked for lunch. today we worked on standing. i was get so frustrate because i could not stand. finally i worked it up to where i could stand for 10 seconds wit the help of me cane. idea is to build arm strength an leg strength, arms so that when my legs are weak i can stillhold myself up. leg strength, so i can walk. for the brain, memory games. i can play them on the computer too, but it is always good to have another person there to play wit. - me is go get a memory game, or find one, an a few other games we use, an well i will tell you in a bit. - we are work on hum too. hha, it is funny. i finished pt around 2. an boy am i pooped.

i decided that when i went to bed, that this down ness an alone ness was not go to keep me from kickn butt. last night was horrible. i was ready to go to sleep an never wake up again. no joke.

i woke up an my fever had broke, my temp 99.7.

i was look at my aol mail or try to an there was this thing on there, flights for 59$.  so i was like hey, easy way to go to visit bambam an mama canady in january/feb. i did all the stuff, $270 for round trip,  not bad but still alot. so, stephen talked about kickn the butt of stuff on our to do list. well....one thing is to go visit seattle. so maybe...haha, in my far away dreams, we could make that happen...road trip?! . lol. it would be nice to have a road trip, but i can also pay for  a ticket. just have to talk with the canady's about stuff, details. yo. haha.

stephen jones is amazing no joke! totally made my day! i had posted about the conrad murry verdict. stephen sent me a message an this is how it went.

stephen - is conrad murry one of the guys who attacked you?
me        - ahaha...no...its michael jacksons doctor.
stephen - oh! lol. that goes to show how often i watch the news.

it was great. too funny. i do not like judging people. i do not think it is our place to judge. it was crazy what the people react to the guilty verdict. some fainted, others cheered, it was weird. this leads me to my next thing.

the trial. it is good that the only thing i have to do is sign yes or no. they have a video testimony. an another person who has come forward an is testifying. i will say it will bring relief to heard the words, we find them guilty! there are fears, valid ones, like what happens if one of them is not found guilty...the trial is go to be a hard thing to go thro.

i am excited to visit the jones. to do things with them. looks like i will get to test both the new bed an couch. lol. but their couch looks pretty comfy.

i was able to help a friend today. or at least i hope i helped.

the conversation of faith an god came up, an it really frustrates me that i cannot answer their questions or stuff like that. do i have faith?  if faith is hope then yes. it is hard stuff. no joke.

to end. bambam was talk bout music playlist of hers. i have found a few songs that i really like. strong enough. alone by FF5, alone by RED, and a song by city harmonics. greyson chance has some cool songs too.

i am spend my night listen to the rain, an watch fairly odd parents.

perfection is on imperfection at it best

ever day us change us is no who us were 2 year go, 2 month go, 2 day go, 2 hour go, 2 min go, or even 2 secs go. us are um constantly grow. me is no who me use be, me is no who me go be.

bambam has say to me, me is perfect, but me think perfect is on imperfect at it best. u can no have perfect less u have imperfect. me member some stuff some one say me. god kno this very idea. him is perfect an to keep him perfection him create us. us is his imperfection. just a thought.

me is no perfect, me is no eve good. me right now is mean jerk. me is hurt, yes physical but also personal.

me love me friends wit all me has. me alway will. even if me can no stand to see you face or name or be round u, once u in me heart u is there for life.
me has had trouble member me friends late le. me try me best tho to member them. me put stick note on all over wit names an all sort stuff so if me forget me have help member.

me has pneucoccos meninjitis or some like that. them just now figure that out after 5 weeks be here. there other stuff to but them got that in first to weeks me here, or so them say. them is say bout put feed tube back in. um no. me i s so yum but when me eat me feel like me go puke, or me do. me temp is 104.8 an me heart beat real fast. them had stick to ivs in one arm. them hurt. me is real real hot. me keep have bad shakes, them call seisure. me head hurt lot, worse than ever. me is tire all time, me nap all time, use on for 20-30 mins, an me still have trouble wake up even tho me body want me to. me is puke all time. me on has one lite on in me room cuz it hurt to have brite lites on. me can move me neck all time cuz it hurt lot.me was go say some but me forgot. me can no reach chuggers or me books or me cards an them no hand them to me.
them say puss is grow from crown of me head to back me head. them say them want take it out in surgery bt want wait see if drugs kill lot of it.
right now me would no care if this kill me.

me is so tire of hear, when u are better, then... if me is no better an still sick then no one want anything do wit me, but once me better then them do stuff wit me. me be sick an just die on floor in me room in me dad home, that how me feel. me kno me is sick but me is how feel. me is tire be treat like me is some disease people that if u come any where near me u will die. it no true, me would give any thing for someone be here wit me.

HEAR ME, me want u company. if u no kno what say then just say me bout you day or ask me stuff. me real do feel all lone. me no want bother any one, me feel like me burden alread. but please no just ignore me cuz u no get or no kno what say. u say no thing make me feel like me is no thing. worthless. no worth it. may be me is just no worth it. which is fine wit me, cuz that how it be me whole life.

me dad sent me mail. in mail was letter from me mom to her boy friend at time. it real hurt me wit what it say. just mind me of how much me mom hated me. an now me have no mom. me kno that if there be anyone who read this pathetic blog that u no kno what it like to live wit a mom who hate you. me mean lit. one day her came into me room cry. me ask her why. her was upset me had cut me out eve pic her had. me felt bad bout it but me say to her, me did it cuz u no love me, u no want me. her say that that was a selfish thing to do.

me is a selfish, worthless, stupid, jerk.

pictures

yester nite me was down an sad for bit. it is hard be here an the on face you see is those of nurses, docs, therapists, an few times other patients an/or them visitors. me miss me friends, them have be real help an love an nice an before any this me was no good friend at all. me no member much but me do member that fact. an yester nite me keep ask me why them be good friend to me when me has been no real friend to them? this some me ask all time to me. me do know to me miss them.
me miss me family. the yell the fight the jokes an just be wit them. me miss me animals stardust bubbles gumby even elvis, him is no me but him think him is. me miss me no so comfy bed an me dresser me still have from when me 3. me miss lot stuff.

yester nite me got real mad an upset. me was scare. me no want be sick no more, me no want to no no talk, me want to walk normal. me want to feel better and be better person. me think cuz me was real tire that it add to them feel.

me stay up an watch roseanne and wizards of waverly place. make me go haha real hard. me love to go haha. me is kid even tho me adult. me love cartoons and kid movies. them shows make me feel better. happy. me was up to 230. me went sleep.

me had dream bout airplane an persons from me high school day were on plane. me be on plane once but no member. me was on plan sit next window. me was scare cuz me no like high. persons me knew were be mean an make me feel no want. plane took off an me was no scare. me look out window an it was nice. me no member lot of the dream but me woke up mad an sad.
before me fell sleep me was think bout go on plane  an visit bambam. me no think her like that, but me was think bout it. me dream mind me that me is let me past keep me from me future. no more tho. no more. me go kick me past right where mother nature split it. yep, me said it! deal wit it!

me woke up. me was tire sad mad. an then me had post on me wall an  it make me feel all better. me love get posts when me wake up, it make me day start good.

me went pt. me walk wit help of hold some, from me chair on wheels to the tape on floor where one the helps was at. me got first goal done. then me stand wit no help for a hole min on own. to goal done. me 3 goal is to hum or say word. me has 4 goal an that is to spell one word on paper right an in lines. me on have do 3 to get go outside!!!
them took me back to me room an me eat. yum. me can eat on own now. me no need no tube, yay. the tube hurt lot. me therapist walk in an sat an eat wit me. him say me slow down or you choke on you food. me was want food. me lift me head up wit me face full food an just stare at him then me smile an me think him was bit weird out by me. lol. it was funny!
me finish eat and me tummy went yum. it was happy. us play memory an me got 3 matches! 4 cuz bambam say that me love her and her love me and that make match, :) !

me read 3 story all bout isaac. me no get them. me is get frustrate an me think me just go stop read bible story. it real hard. an me friends no alway round to help me get story. maybe if me can watch story or have some one read to me an answer me asks in person that help.

me eat dinner. it was yum. than me try make to window gain. 2 STEP AWAY!! an the blinds were down. :( . nurse say when me get there me can open blinds so it surprise. me want know if world pretty outside. me want know if it sunny an colorful. me love colorful. me just no like olive green. no no.

me watch glee. it was good. end was kind rush but hole show good. me love kurt voice him is me fav character. in real life him me age, him is real gay, an him voice is just as pretty.

just bit go me got real sad in me heart, deep sad for me friend. so me go pray for her lot nite.

me alway pray for me friend at nite sort like me do on facebook day. it help me fall sleep. an when me learn what pray is me has be do it lot. me love me friends. them nice. me like talk wit them.

morrow docs go fix me scars to look like one on me hand an face or close to them. it is a surgery but short one. it start at 230.
an me have pic so if some one say me lie me just show them pic. me hate when me told me lie. me no like lie so me no lie or if me do me no mean to. me love truth.

me got card today from kara an her send pic of we in it. me start cry. it was real nice. her one me fav friends. her alway happy an go haha. me love her! me is still wait for bambam's card, me think her cards no like me. maybe her should send to me home as me has got everything that be mail to me home. me have 3 cards an one video and chuggers. it real nice an me love them.

me is real tire. me has cry lot today. tho it has be good day. me is no cold but hot today. an me head itch lot. whole lot.

me name this post pictures. me got picture today. me picture what it be like outside window. me picture what me future go be like. me picture walk to window and back. me picture stand for more than min. me picture see me friends. me picture visit bambam. me picture move. me has lot of pictures in me head and me is just wait to watch them um, develope? in from me eyes an come to life.

Week 4 Day 1

me sleep sort bad. me lip an teeth an head hurt all nite. keep move in bed try to get comfy. them give me few more pillow an them help sleep bit betterer.

from me bed all me can see when look out window is brick. me know sun out there but me no see no else. me go make to window this week me just know. me keep think what out there, is pretty, will me like. if pretty me just want stare out window. me hope me can stand long nuff to stare. me friend julia post link on me wall. it was good video. me love watch seal swim round an then make sound. it was funny. me real like it!

me got say wit me big sis becks for bit. me love her lots. her cool person. her love butterflies. me find butterfly cane that them butterflies glow on, but it too much for me think bout. her alway talk that butterfly are god's promises an blessings. me no sure what her mean but when me see butterfly me think her.

me have pt today. it go good me took 7 steps. no as much as yester but it still good, me think. me got one match at memory. me still no hum tho. sad. me say them bout video bambam make an cards me got and chuggers, an how me say me friends on facebook an text an how me real like it. them talk that it real good and that it seem to be help me get better. them ask me if me think me friends will make more video or send more card or animal, me talk me no know but if no it ok cuz me love them an them say wit me an that good nuff for me. doc no like computer thing at first but now him talk it help me an it good for me. now him like.

me have 6 scars on me head. them ugly. 3 on top, 2 on side an 1 in back. me hair is grow fast. doc say in month two me have look hard see them. :)

me has had time where me wake up an no can move legs, or me forgot stuff that just happen. doc talk this will happen for long time. some days me no walk good or no speak, some days me memory be real bad some days real good. him talk me take cane wit me just be safe. like bambam talk better safe than sorry.

it be long day. it was long weekend. me real loved movie nite wit bambam on friday night. me want to make her feel better an have better day but in end me no think it help. her pick movie, us no think us finish it cuz it were sad but then it have happy end. it good movie. the mom's eyes minded me of bambams.  me no know how me know what her eye color is but me was shock me was right.

me found me have music on me computer. it all good. there music from glee on too. one song me love love love is 3 lil words by press play. raise you voice an talk me love you. lol.

today me no too happy wit self. me no do as good as yester. me try me best. it no make feel good tho. me want to go um forward no back. kind bum bout it.

 me feel bad too. me family lie to me granma bout me. but it for her good. her very old and Chris just die few week before all this happen. me love me granma. yes!

  them took pic of me head an me see it. me no have bald spot at all. me hair is grow normal. me have so many scar on head face arm hand leg. it lot. me no have um tatoo or  um pearcing. no even ears. lol. now me have scar on me lip too. boo. hahaha.

  me dad talk me today. him talk me sister in trouble wit cops, sort no surprise. him is sick. boo. him also mind me of the 25th next month be 4 years. this sad.

me is bother by fact that me no member god stuff or college or stuff like that, but me member dates, an other non special stuff. it frustrate me. me no get mad, me no get angry, me alway forgive or me think that when you take some one sorry. me no hate no one. me no drink smoke or do drug. me think you should alway smile even if no feel like it, cuz it might save some one life. me think you need alway help even if think you no can. me think this stuff but me no know why me think this thing. what bother me most is me will member stuff in sleep but it be gone when me wake up. may be it best if there some thing me no member.

me read to story today. one bout um abraham an lot an how them no share so them move from one nother. the other story was when sarah an abraham was say them go have baby an sarah go haha in no believe. me on had to asks. :)

me had miss breakfast an lunch and for dinner me had biscutes and stew. yum yum. me want ice cream but me no feel me should have some since today me fail. sad.

me phone look like have be replace. sad. me no have money for new one. boo. an all me pics an all me friends in me phone. :( . sigh.

since me phone broke me has feel lone. me have computer yes but me friends no have it wit them all time. me miss me friends.  a lot an lot, even more than lot, much. it no good for baf be lone, no no. baf no like.

me take 12 steps, 4 way from make window. so frustrate. me no can go outside til me reach goals in pt. me hope that soon cuz me start think me no ever go make outside or to window.  :(

me go watch tv, or work on get to window. or may be me just lay here an think bout things. may be me go to bed soon. me is tire.

me hope you day has be good an that you is good. me pray for you yester nite. me pray for world.

4 Weeks An Counting

me no spell good so you have deal wit it! :)


me be here 4 weeks. me know no what happen or why me here other than me brain got real sick. me got real sick too. me hope tho that me on be here one more week.


Yester day me got took real shower. me got unstink. me smell real bad before me shower. me was scare me head look all ugly an like crack up egg. but it no look bad. me look like peach with marks on it. doc talk them fix up scars so them no that noticable. this make me smile. me no want scare children or me when me pass mirror? or windows. lol. me do has some hair. it no long, but me like feel it, it all smooth an nice. me no suppose rub it but me think it feel weird, sort in bad way, when me head is touch an you no can real feel dents. me forgot what them talk them did but some new thing. at least it no metal. lol. think try get thro airport or courthouse, lol.


me have be work to look out window. me want to see what out there an me hope it pretty. me member bambam talk me once her want send flowers. me look round me room and flowers be pretty in here. me start off an me could on stand 30secs me still no able stand well or balance well. me use monitor iv thing hold on to and try walk. me got 2 step then 3 steps and now 8 STEPS!!! that LOT for me. me o most make to window. me can see top trees an then me had grab chair on wheels an sit. sigh, me make to window soon.

me phone mess up. it turn on an go service day screen and then restart gain. me no money get replace, so me hope phone company replace it or fix it. net10 sucks. yep. me on have phone 3 months.

me thought me were go lose job but me found out me get more hours. so me go work 15 hours week.

also me look at canes an cute hats. me found few me like. blue cane that folds, me no know if me like that it fold or not but it got cushion handle. an hat blue plad, an other white wit black strips. me no know how me go get them but me know if there will there way, or me think that what them talk.

me be learn bout god, bible, jesus, pray, christian, an all stuff. me like it. me friends are very mazing an help me learn. them have talk lot over an over but that how me get it. me have child bible and adult bible, me read story every day out child bible. me like them pics. me no get story bout babel tower. me read story an put asks down an give to friends an me learn lot bout story from them. me learn lot bout hell. me no want no one go hell. make me heart hurt an me eyes cry. so me do lot pray so may be no many go hell.

me went to get adult bible and me fell an cut me up lip open. it no fun. it big an hurt. me feel like fish. lol.

yester me got box from mail. it have card an stuff animal in it. me love both. me name dog chuggers. him small but him cute an soft. me have got two cards an that all. that fine, me no think me get anything. me read them every day. me also got video on facebook an me watch that few times day. them make me happy and feel better. :D

me watch storm chasers an now me watch qvc christmas show. lol. me love christmas. me decide me want lil drummer boy figure for present. me fav song, me no member why. me play drums, maybe that why. me go bed soon.

me feel better me temp is 99.4 an be that way for few day me think. me alway have pain. me head hurt lot. me no sleep good so me alway tire. them took me off most medicine to see how me react an so far me do good!

tomorrow me have pt. may be me say them take me outside some time?!

me need try sleep now, me cold, so me get warm. lol.