hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.

apple

8 hours of sleep. me stayed up watch rest of ghost hunters live, sort of. then me watch roseanne. me love that show. me has see every episode of it. i love that show.

me had a dream bout sara mcguire, patty lincoln, an bambam. they were try to have me follow them, just so them could try get rid of me. it was weird.

it has be a weird day. for some reason me is on this love hutch. me has see it alot an people keep repeating it so me put it as me facebook status, faith hope an love...an the greatest is love. an then last night me was think bout something an this random thing popped in me head. love is everything, without it you are nothing. not sure what it means, but me gree wit it.

mama canady, who me guess does not like casper, lol, tell me not to worry bout bambam, easy said than done. no joke. an me would say me will try, but that is not the case. me will worry bout her an all me other friends too. me just loves them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. when they hurt i hurt, when they cry i cry, when they laugh i laugh, when they sleep...i watch them intently. (lets see who's friends wit me now, lol!!!!) - creep!
i would do anything for any of me friends. me would take a bullet, a car, a knife, a terminal sickness for them. no joke. do not sit there an be like, ya right!, try me....no joke.

so remember few posts ago when me talked bout the chi wa wa? me would name it captain pickles an teach it to say arrrrr....no joke!

me dad car is still be fixed. but...me car is act up, it is some wit the fuel system. boo.

me always forget to put some in me post an me always say me will do it the next one an then me forget again. lol

me has some pics. them say the ones wit me in them can not be posted because them is for the trial. what eve. so me will post me room pics some time soon.

pt. mama canady me is work very very VERY hard. me is always go have trouble wit stuff tho. but me is work hard so that me no have that much trouble. yes yes! haha. me can o most lift me arms over me head. an me can o most move me legs on me own. yes! i am still scribble scribble scribble tho. an no sound is come from me mouth, not even a hum. me ate an apple today an me kept it down. an me has be sleep good. just not on a good schedule. an me say this to ash but me is go say this on here because it is important for me, me has been make bm's on me own. yes. it is a bit gross but good.

me got to talk wit shortie an piglet today. it was good. last night me got to talk with Jasi! her was very proud of me spell an grammar.

glee is come on in a bit. but me hope everyone is have a good day, an know that you are loved lots.!!! <3

happy halloween...me hope

happy halloween!

me member when we lived on Jules my dad would go all out for halloween an christmas. him would decorate our um forum an living room with boxes an totes full of decorations. lights, animation, all sorts of stuff. our duplex was creepy as was tho. it was crazy. there was some thing in that house. me no believe in ghosts but me do believe in evil things. me dad swears him saw ghost.

last night me watch storm chasers again at 11. then me watched that 70's show, everybody hates chris, and an episode of family matters. me like holiday themed episode of shows.

it has been a long morning. me went an done pt. will do it again in the early pm. try to build muscle back up. work on write, or scribble. an memory games.

me is on soft diet. just to make sure me stomach can handle stuff. applesauce, icecream, soup, broth, yogurt, pudding, mashed tatos, oatmeal. hope by wed me can start harder stuff. it would be great!

so me doc say it is ok for me to help pass out candy to kids. so yay. me love kids. them smile is like a angels kiss. it warms the heart. an the laugh is like a song from heaven. lol.

me is go to be scary. me is go as meself. lol. that is scary.

lot of the nurses are dressed up, long wit docs, an therapists, it makes it a bit fun round here. me guard even dressed up as a police officer, haha haha ha....
the other two one is a ninja, an the other is a lawyer...that is scary. lol

no investigation feed today. them is let me enjoy tv...haha.. it is me treat...now me has pull a trick on them. lol

so me is watch Munsters. Alvin an chipmunks frankenstein movie. then from 5-8 is trick or treat. which me is excited for.

me is sad for me friend jasi. her lost a friend an her is all sad. her is real good at write stuff tho. me wish me could help ease her pain.
stephen is go as a zombie nurse rockstar something. it is pretty scary. lol. no joke. haha. think me would pee me self if him walk into me room. no joke. haha
me miss bambam. noooo joooke. me hope her is alright. me worry bout her. me think her is part elf. just say. there is a reason for that. lol.
me miss shortie an piglet an kara. no joke.

what is funny is ash use no joke last night. her say her talk to me too much. but that it is a good thing. her is pick up on me mannerisms. just hope it is only the good ones. lol.

it is sunny outside. me was freeze all night. me got 8 1/2 hours of sleep. me is still tire. not sure if this is a good thing or not.

pt is a pain in me body. no joke. this build muscle thing is build pain thing instead. but me hope that by the end of the week me can move round on me own, me mean move not walk or anything. tho that would be nice.

so me is real worry bout me bambam.me wish me could do so much more for her than what me is. me is bout ready to break all the rules, no joke, just to let her know what her means to me. that tho this world may be try to break her down, that her is rock hard. they can chip her, but they will not break her. her is an angel. when you is round her you feel piece of heaven. and the only vibe you get from her is complete an total love. no joke.

pass out candy was fun. some of the kids were scary, like me was kinda scare to give them candy. then there were the real little kids that were sooooooooooooooo precious an adorable. no joke! me did have a bad moment so me was out for about 15 mins, but then me got back in on the action. kids kept call me him an sir, boy, guy, man, yep. haha.

one of the nurses brought me a treat. starbucks. lol. the psl. pumpkin spice latte. me is not sure what me is go do wit rest of me night tho me has idea.

me hope everyone has had a safe good halloween!

Masquerade

me has do lot of discover me self. or me old self. me is try find out what me like in music an movies an ect. TFK is awesome, an their song masquerade is mazing. but that is no why me name this post that at all. nope.

yester nite was a no other nite of no sleep. so bear wit me if me spell is off an if me has revert back to a pervious version of me self. what me mean by that is spell version of me self.

me got skype wit ash for a bit. it was real good to see her face an hear her voice. it was nice to get to see a real person, live. me was pose to skype later that nite wit both ash an stephen but some thing came up an it was late an, well, them was go have big busy day today, so me was like, it is ok.

a few mins later me start seisure bad. me real wish them would go way.  it fin got to point where me had to get off me laptop an move it way from me. mme watch lot of disney channel. least me temp is now 104.8.

at 9 am me tv switch to live feed of the investigation. it make me sick to me stomach to watch an hear all that. about 3 one the guards came in wit me mail. by this point me was try to hide me from the tv. me blarred music, an hid under me pillows. at 5 it went off. me was so thankful.

shortie is awesome. ever time me think bout her me has the shortie song go thro me head. you know the one that go - shortie like a melody in me head got me go nananaa ever day got me ipod stuck on replay replay. it is a bad song but if you know me shortie than you can gree, her is one person you no ever get tire of. me got mail from her today. her sent me the sun. no joke. ok. no the act sun, but her catch the sun wit rope an pull it into a card to give to me. the card was awesome! an her sent me phantom of the opera! the newer version. it is her so me has give it back, which is no prob, but me think it is mazing!

me love phantom of the opera. it is good movie. an it puts me to sleep. so me will prob no make it thro the movie once, but me will get sleep. haha. sing to me....da da da daa.

me has no yum today at all. me is still heve. yuck. sad ness.

shortie say when me is out or able have visitors her is go come visit me an we are go have lots fun. this is go be nice. me would real love that.

me love me friends. no joke. an me is go be real cited when me can visit them.
me do no like idea of be in moberly, nor st. jo an me is real glad me is no in kc. those boys family lives in one of those 3 cities. but me is no fraid of them. ok, may be just a bit, but that is on cuz me is no strong nuff to stand up or protect me.

me got a letter from me cousin Allen, him is in prison for drugs an steal. me is go start email him. me has also be get letters from those guys family. eve one of them ends up go to agents. but it make me feel like me is at fault. but there is no a day that go by that me no feel me is no in some way.

just like me say to ash yester nite. me hate put me friends thro all this, so many rules an things that me can an can no do, it freakin sucks. an me hate put them thro that. no a day go by that me do no blame me self for so much.

an wit monday just round the weekend, that blame game is get more players involved. monday be 4 years since me mom be dead. me fam blames me for it, for no be there, for so much, but me alway get blame for most thing in me fam. no big deal. me feel like that lil kid gain: now look, you made you mom leave. - you alway got to ruin eve thing good for me. - it is you fault me no has boyfriend. -why were you no watch you sister? - if you had do this, that would no ever have happen. -me hate you. -it you fault me try kill me. -it you fault that me can no get high/drunk/laid. -it you fault we are live on street. -you on got beat because what you did was bad. -it you fault me did this or that or them did that or this. an so on.
but that was no as bad as what me hear when me try to get help: you is lie. - you did to you self. - you dad/mom would no eve do that, them is too nice. -me will no hear of it. -you deserve it. -the way you act, all nervous an stuff, say to us that you is lie. -how would you like to go to jail for say a lie? an so on.
me whole life it was a sea of voices an that was all them roar out. that is me lil spew for the week.

 who can real say that no of this is me fault. we all have part in ever thing, right?!

guess me spell is still bug some persons. lol. but me was glad when some one act try to correct me. my is one word that me brain will no let come in an stay. but me was glad that them least try.

me was pose to have date nite, but it no happen. ah well.

Jamie say that jesus is leprechaun. him say on an idiot would believe in a fairy tale like that. or one like there is a god. him want me to watch some bout darwin. me is go watch it cuz me say me would. an me listen to vic at flf. him say read thro psalms, an there you will find god an who him is. so me is go do that.
eve one wants me make decision. is it no nuff that me say that yes there is a god, or do me have to get down to details? sorry, it frustrate me. if you did no know, me is in hospital and still very sick. it is go take me prob more than few days to say hey this is who god is an this is where him is. but that is me fault to. me chose to get sick an forget god an what me believe. it is a hard thing. me is luck if me can member yesterday. an you want have big hard chat wit me bout god? no no NO! me is learn little by little eve day. me ask questions when me has them. me has take step by step. me feel like eve one want me to make a choice bout god an get all this out the way before me learn how to sit up on me own, stand, walk, or even speak. me will listen you talk bout god or about why there is no god, me will have chat wit you bout bible an all that stuff, but all me ask is that you stop push me. it is a thing that took me long time to learn before all this happen an now me has to learn it all gain an make a choice. 22 years is no go happen in 2 days or 2 weeks, if eve 2 months.

now on to some else.

me love me friends. me know me alway say this, but IT IS TRUE. me is learn from me friends but as me talk wit them them say that them is learn from me. me no get it real. me is no teach them any thing. me ask them asks, an them answer them, but that is no me teach. bambam say her is learn how to love how to be love an me is teach her lots, an shortie say her is learn to care for her friends an is learn from me. me no get. at all. me is a jerk most time. so me no see how there is love or care in taht.
ebony, who me has no hear from in while, say taht piglet talk bout me lots, an ash say taht her an stephen talk bout me lots. me ask is why? me no get me friends. them is weird, but awesome. haha, it like that nationwide commericial:  -...weird - but awesome!! haha. it is true. no joke. it is like them have bore lives an have no else to talk bout but me. that is weird, an bit creepy, but no true. haha. me love them. an it is good to hear that them love me too. or are talk bout me to eve one else but me, lol, jk. if me give them some talk bout that is fine wit me!

it is go be a weird long next 3 days. adventures away!

hot in here

it is 74 in this room, but me body temp is now sad le, 106.4. boo. it was a few grees worse earl e er. them say them got all infection out me head, but some time me wonder. them thot me was go die. them is still no sure if me will be fine. me has be have real bad seisurses. 2-3 an hour an them last for few mins. me has puke so much that it is now just dry heves. puke lot of blood. pain is so bad that any lil thing causes killer pain. blink, breath, type (but me will deal as long as me is get chat wit me friends), swallow, etc. me oxygen mask is bac to 100% wit out it me oxygen is 10%. boo. me is see stuff. animals, monsters, rainbows - me love me rainbows them is so pretty - , fairies, persons, even things that no have life, like a spoon, an well you get point. me hope.

me spell today have been horrible. me has had to real focus hard an work. me has had to delete an fix so many errors. that is why this blog has take so long to spell. if me did no fix it me no think you be able read it. no joke.

me has had real bad day, cuz of be real real sick. but...it has be good nite.

ash skype me for bit. it was good to see her face an hear her voice. an me is pose to skype wit her gain bout 35 mins ago. lol. 1 day an then them is get marry. me is so happy for them. it hurt to smile but me has big smile on me face. that is how happy me is for them, plus me has tears in me eyes when me think bout them. them are sooooo special. me like no love chat wit them both. them make me smile, BIG SMILE, me love them. an me can no wait til me get to visit them an them get to visit me!!! #stok3d

piglet, kara, jenn, bambam, mama canady, shortie, them all say them want visit me, make me smile. what make me frown is them will prob no get to til me is out the hospital. boo!!! me say boo! lol. but me is cited for day when visits get to start whether be in hospital or no.

nite for last, me had dream bout shortie, an then me had dream bout bambam, then me had dream bout a pup. them was weird dreams, shortie was mean, bambam was a demon zombie, an the pup dream some one had broke in me house an me follow them an them was mobsters an it was weird. me no sleep yester nite at all. boo.

them is say me should get out week of thanksgiving if me do no die or have any serious probs. me get go home clean me room - me dad say you can no see me floor an it is me room so me has clean it up -, then me get to do eve thing for thanksgiving - cook, dishes, clean, - an day after us have fam tradition where we go get tree day after thanksgiving. that is alway fun. then me dad may have work black friday, so me is go pray for him an for all others, serious.

me is glad morrow is the last day me has to watch investigation stuff. no joke. me watch it all day cuz me did no want move an no all that puke was from sickness..lol. just say.

me is no sure what me is go do wit me whole weekend but that in it self is go be adventure!

kick n the bucket

no get offend by title. us all have to kick bucket soon or late. no joke. for real! here is some thing me want do before me kick me bucket. them are in no order. once me make a pretty good list. me will put them in order or try. lol. so here it go.

1. visit the states me has no yet be to.
2. chase tornados
3. visit cotm
4. save a life
5. go on animal rescue
6. visit a nother country
7. write a book
8. help build a house
9. get job security, mean, get a security job
10. go on ride long wit cop.
11. visit the netlife memorial
12. get marry
13. have children
14. adopt children
15. foster children
16. foster animals
17. run a mile, non stop
18. fly in a plane, (this time where me member)
19. sponser a child
20. sponser a animal
21. help make some one else dream come true
22. befriend an elderly person (nursing home or hospital)
23. become pen pal
24. help open a shelter of any kind
25. play slideshow wit big group of persons in a busy public place
26. name a star
27. get some of me lyrics made into an actual song
28. get tatoo
29. get a piercing
30. ride on a boat
31. hug a bear
32. have a harry potter movie marathon straight thro
33. learn to surf
34. learn to ski
35. learn to snowboard
36. go sled
37. build a huge snowman
38. decorate a christmas tree that is outside
39. become real good at hard on rockband
40. go to a bsb concert
41. learn new language
42. move out of st. joe
43. finish me degree
44. visit list of friends
45. climb a mountain
46. become debt free
47. see the north ern lites
48. go backpacking
49. go on unplanned trip to random place wit no schedual.
50. go camping
51. walk
52. run
53. jump
54. speak
55. sing
56. get me dog the proper health treatment her needs
57. write
58. draw
59. help the homelss
60. volunteer at a crisis center
61. set a world record
62. help some one else do a thing on their bucket list
63. get new glasses/new percription
64. find me dad blood family
65. do one random thing for a random stranger every day
66. plant a tree


there will be more to add to this list. them are in no order, but them are things me want to do, an things me will strive to do.

aufgebracht

thunder. it is the noise that let us kno a storm is come. it shake house, car, even trees, an persons. some fear it, some love it, some it can go both way.

there is no window in me room. but me kno it has be storm, cuz me can hear the thunder.

today has be quite the day. me spent lot of day sleep. after stay up til 2 watch Amityville Horror, which scare the fudge out me. then me watch spiderman an him mazing friends. me spent most me nite up chat wit ash, an then wit piglet for bit. both fell sleep on me. watch storm chasers, an it was intense episode. then watch this thing an it was cool just real strange.
the nurse had come in an put music on while me was sleep, guess her figure it would help me sleep. me woke up to hear this song by FF5, no alone, an since that song me has had, just tell me me is no alone, stuck in me head. it rings so true for me. but...w.e.

when me did wake up it was like 2pm, me had be up before that but on for bits at time. me tv was on an me could bare hear it. on me table was note that say, want you be part of this so gave you week an now it is time to get involve. it was from the agents. so me spent me afternoon listen an watch them interview one person an then me stomach bout fell to floor. them brot in david. so from 3:30 to 6, me listen to him say lie after lie after lie.

me spent most day yesterday wait for piglet to get on facebook or to text me. me did get text but it was from ash, an me got confuse on who was who. it suck. ash an me had good chat tho. piglet got on for bit after. an now me has be wait for time me has be up to hear from piglet...............

so this god thing....
here is me thot on it so far. for one, me hate when persons say, god exists whether you think so or no. um, do no say that too me, me will serious punch you in face, same wit some one who say, god do no exist an that is some you need to kno. SHUT UP! no joke.
now, that that is out there... me think that there is a god of some sort. whether him is god of bible - an hey that is wht me use believe, right?! that was me, then me forgot, an now me has to find out for me self. but me do like that this line bring peace, love, an friendliness. me also like the stories, an the act of pray. it is no a bad thing to spend time believe in some an be good an all, in the end whether wrong or right, least you live good life. -
the thing of there is no god. this can no be a belief. serious. if you no believe in god of bible, or believe that there is no such god, then you must think you you self is god. if you say there is no god, than you must on believe in you self an that make you a god, so there in you are you own god.
whichever, there is a god. me would like to hear why some persons believe in god of the bible an why some do no believe in a god.
just member it is me choice. keep batter me an me could possible make a choice no one will like. no joke.
this is no go be a over nite thing either. an hey if me die, well, me no have worry if me is go heaven or hell, right, cuz me has alread gave me heart to god, right?.
if you say this whole thing is stupid, well, guess what, me is a freak n dumbass, so yes it may be a stupid thing, but me is go do it. no like, then eff off! <--- :O , yes me did just say that!

so this whole, tell me that me is no alone, thing...
me has had ruff day. me chat wit shortie an her is like, is some thing up?, ...you seem like you do no care. - that has be right. me is where me no care. me no care if me live. me no want wake up cuz ever min me is wake me wish me was back sleep, or dead. no joke. me friends, them is like you is no lone. bs. me is very lone. in a room wit no windows. an me has computer an me has phone but how much interaction do me get wit persons on those, hard none.an then me have spend this whole week watch that stupid tv, listen to lies an details an all for what? pure torture? an me has try turn tv off, or mute it an them has it fix to where me get control bck after certain time. which sucks! an me has 3 dif trials me has to worry bout.

me is angry an hurt. an what sucks is me has deal wit it all on me own. cuz that is how it alway is. lost an so afraid where is the hope/love in a world so cold?! feel the love, what love, serious, me feel cold an mad, hurt an scare, an love is where?! no joke.

this adventure sucks. it feels like a jounrney to no where.

M.A.W.S.

me is no go write bout me day, cuz real, it no matter. it is a day.



before me came to hospital an had all this health crap start, me was look at go to police academy. now me has decide if it is some me still think can happen or no. the fact that mowo or now mowu had police academy right in me town an was on 5 mins way was real nice. now that me move to wa, me is no sure if me is go be able to go to school for criminal justice. me would like be cop. that an security guard bout the on things me got left that me be able do that me would real want to do. me dream was be us marshal. there is still chance me could get in wit fbi or cia or some like that. all this is in prep for me life as a ninja!

me had alway want be like actor or write. me do lot of write. me is good at act but the way me look when me is just try do normal day stuff, no help wit me act dream, so that is down drain, cuz me look like goof. lol. write on other hand, is some me do lot of. november is national write month. last year me start story an never finish it. me is think me is go start write story. me is no sure bout what but me figure it out. 50,000 words is lot tho. ok no real, but still, it is. me has a whole notebook or 2 at home fill wit poems an songs that me has wrote. an me no say this much but some of me poems have be published in quite a few books.

art. me. me love to make like comics or cartoon type stuff. me has alway be in art class an club. some of them you had to be accept an me was. me has had artwork in shows. me draw on ever thing. in high school a teacher say that me need stop draw on me homework cuz it was distract an that that was no what the homework was for. me try but did no alway no do it.

music. me has be play drums since me was 5. me would turn toys, books, or any thing me could find into drums. me was in band. me play Bass (string instru) an bells. before me came in here me could play drums, guitar, bass, Bass, bells, hand bells, piano, flute, most percussion, trumpet, and the pickle. ok, so taht was joke, me can no play pickle, tho it do give me idea. now me will prob have to relearn all this.

this is just bit bout me. a dream an some me now no good talents.

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

fry day

me had scan earl e this am. me feel like me brain is fry in me head. like eggs in a pan. cept this is a real BIG egg, ok, so no so big but lot big than egg. jus bit big than egg. me brain is real small. them say a scan late today an that will um choose if me need surgery or no.

me have nice say wit ash an shorite. all me has see all day is that me is sweet kind awesome people an that there is no way me could eve be jerk. me think there some wrong wit them. shortie say me no see good in me or good part of me. me kno me has good part but me no like to brag on it. me also kno me is jerk mean selfish an me complain lot.
ash say it jus me try figure out what go on in me world, that is true to, but me complain too much. her also say me is jus say how me feel.
few say them like read me blog. me is no sure why. them say it is me life in words, it is encourage, me is super sweet, an me is honest bout how me feel. this is no true. me is no alway all honest. me start say thing an then me choose no to, me jus feel it is go be super harsh an mean an hurt someone. this is no me life in words, some of it is, but no real. me no see how it encourage at all. have any u eve yum me? no, then how can u say me is super sweet? :P
me is sure me is be sweet when me point out that some me friends who say them me friends are be super jerks an no good friends or friends at all. yep that sure is sweet of me. but me no care. me is go be honest bout it. there is no excuse to take one minute out of day to say hi or that u is think of someone. me no just say this for me. me is say this for all. it no have be facebook, text u friends. if u say u friend be a friend or fry away the friendship. me is no say to me friends on, me is say to all world. be friend to others that u want to have. if u want good friends be good friend. if u want awesome friends be an awesome friend.
yep. me jus say that. it is what me think. wit that said. me is no awesome friend, so me no kno why me has awesome friends. serious.

me has be dumbfinded by few simple thing that few persons have say to me.

shortie say her like when me wake cuz then her can say to me.
bambam say that what me has to say is important an her want to hear what me has to say.

these are things in me whole life that me has no ever once hear. an if me has me no member, or persons no real mean. me cry when them both say them things. me kno them mean it. persons alway thing me is shy but truth be say, eve time me try say some persons alway act like me is no worth hear an shove me off like me is no thing. an use it me hear that persons can no wait for me go to bed cuz that on time that life is real good for them. me no real eve hear any one say them like say wit me. so it is total weird to hear it, but it jus make me stop an me heart sink. it would u too if u spent most of 22 years hear that u just no worth the listen to, or say wit.

piglet say the me is encourge mint. her say this (me copy an paste) -

And some people are heroes by the way we see them live their lives. They keep going through the sunshine and the rain, no matter what. You are one of those people. You keep pushing through even though life kinda sucks at the moment...

me no think persons realize me struggle. eve day me fight wit the thot of die. will today be the day, will me make it thro, die seem so much easy choice than fight, it make all happy if me did die or do die, no one miss me, life would be so much better wit out me...an yat yat ya. it is a day an hour struggle. me think what is me fight for, why should me keep fight, blah blah blah. it serious stuff.

no to mention that me get frustrate wit the um constant god thing persons say. back to square one. truth is me no care bout rerelearn all gain right now.that bad? me is jus to tire. an if me is go have nother surgery me just feel me should wait. me no want forget gain. if u is go say some bout god, gain me say this, make sure u say me that me get it.

me will help u bit. me mind set is no that of me age, me mind set is that of kid. so no do all time, but say stuff as if u say to kid, main when it come to real hard stuff, big words, an god. me will say if me get or no get.

yester me blog bout how me was no sure me was go get go to ash an stephen wedding. me an ash was say an her say that if me is out of hospital by wed time that them would come get me. me would be special guest. me brain want to take it one way, special as dumb friend wit cane who can no speak an can no be on own, but, yes me mention a butt, haha (me love that joke), me let me heart  take it as a friend them love. it make me feel good. her say if me is no out then them can set up skype so me can sort be there. me was think, that be awesome an bambam could watch too.

me real like say wit ash yester. us say bout old cartoons. it was good. me LOVE cartoons, but mainly old ones. an some newer ones too. me use like the dumb sidekick persons on the cartoons, an right now me feel me can relate to them. man, it would be awesome to be patrick star, or cosmo!!!

me also say wit mama canady for bit. me is go have find name to call her. me has thing wit names.. an late nicknames have help me kno who is who. bambam is like u can jus call her mom, but me has on real eve call one people mom an that was me mom. some time me call me aunt mom, an it the family thing round here wit me sibs so me say wit others some time me mom, but me no like to. so me has got find name for her. me love mama canady an her make me heart do this --> :D . yep. her is so sweet an kind, love an care, an her pass it to her girl, bambam. which mean that that family has be awesome. no joke.

me temp is 105.4. me head is real hurt lot. me has ice pacs an the room is cold, but me is so hot. me keep have seisures. them is no fun. me fell off bed to ice yester nite. nurse made in both time to keep me head from hit ground. them fin put strap over me. so me is strap like seat belt in me bed. me want sleep all time. me on get 2 3 hour at time an then them wake me up. me is no dog. them use let me sleep lil longer in morns. me no want feed tube so me try eat what them give me. me eat most it an then it jus come right back up. them is try keep me from go deaf. me is alread half deaf in me right ear. even tho sometime me can hear real well wit that ear. me keep have blind in me left eye. it come an go. them is prise me has no have stroke yet. yester nite pain was so bad for most nite that me was shake so bad me was hold on to bed arm cuz me was scare me was go shake right off me bed.

me can no wait have me phone back. it be nice. me want to get motorola phone. me need get sd card for me phone. me hope me can find some one to get me pics off me old phone. it has me first pics of stardust.
me needs to get new glasses too. me has had these no change for 5 years. me can see wit out them, it just far way is some blur. me has stigatism.

me like all me friends lots. me wish me got say wit them more. me is go be real happy when me get met them aall an see them gain. yes yes.

when me horrible pain fin went way an me stop shake, me was think bout when me move. me cide me is go try find me nice van or jeep or wagon to buy an me is go give Wilbur to me aunt, or me dad. an me figure gas an it on under $300 to get there. no bad. an it 1 day an few hour trip. but that no case for me. it is go be longer. cuz me is go sleep for bit. haha. me keep think bout video that Julia show me an the seals. them were funny. me is happy to see seals. it may sound dumb. me has on see seals an other animals in the zoo. me is no so scare of water no more. high is nother thing. haha. me think as long as me wit bambam me has no thing be scare of, haha, cept her. lol. her is one tuff cooke, jus no try eat her. lol.
me is go try take plane out there to visit at end of January. me think me will welcome break, be glad to meet the fam, and get seat next to window. yep.

them agents say them is go set up cams an start investigate next week. an me is go get watch whole thing, bo-mean yay! (me is go sleep thro most it.) haha. me forgot what them is investigate but me is sure me member some time.

me hate member an then forget an member gain. it sucks balls. yep me say it.

me was come back from scan this am an there was to nurses push a gernie down hall wit some one who had die on it. it has be on me mind lot day. me think bout chris an die. me think bout me sis an me mom. me think bout me granpa, me think bout Tiffany, an so many other persons who have die. me has be to lot of funerals.

me is no sure what me do for weekend yet. it be cool to sort have video chat. tho me can no do video, u can. me can no. haha. me can no do voice chat, u can. me can no. but that be cool. watch movie or jus see some new. yes u be new to me eyes. lol. an it be nice to hear some other than this silence or machines. but me no think it happen. haha. it dream. just like me wish some one send lot of paint haah, me can throw all over walls an then it be some new to look at. haha.

me watch Alice in Wonderland wit shortie. her did lot of say dur movie. which is ok. me like it. me love movie.

me family has be stress me out an me is no eve there. me is glad me is no there right now. me sis is have problem wit her ex boy friend an him family, me aunt is have problem wit her husband, me sis an me bro are steal an get real deep into drugs, one bro is deal wit court, me other bro me twin is be threat an all sort stuff. what me real hate is that me sis exboyfriend fam has come over to me dad house an cause trouble an in process hit me dog. that is big no. us no hit animals in me house unless it spank for be bad, but that is out of love. me is very mad bout it.

me has had bad rest of day. me seisure real bad an hit me head. it knock me out real good. right now me feel like crap. me feel worse than me did before. me is alway get worse an no better. 

love is a beautiful thing

 me keep have these random things pop into me head. so me look them up an them is song lyrics. so me think me is start member songs. haha. me think this is a yay.


 the doc say that me has had meninjitis for 3 weeks now. the pneumonia has covered it up. spinal taps are no fun. me has had one eve week but them is still no fun. no no. hurt lots. me is so tire but them on let me sleep few hours at time. them think cuz of "how bad off u are" that me will go into coma. me has no complain bout that. least me could sleep. it make more since now that me is have trouble get up when me do sleep. an all the other stuff make since too. me just think them should have find it sooner than did. me temp is still 104.8. least it no change.

bambam say her want to learn to love like me do. me just has big heart. me have no room for hate. me has had nuff hate from world so full of hate that me can no imagine show no thing but love. it like me smile idea. smile alway even if u no feel like it, u no ever kno day someone else be have an u smile may just save them life. all round u should smile an be love at all time. me on no smile when me is have real real real end of world bad day. even me worse days me smile an haha bout problems. that is when me is in me right mind.

more me say wit most me friends more me realize me is no smart, or even close. them know so much, an me kno them is old, yes me say it deal wit it :P, an them have had more life to learn stuff, but man what have me be do wit me life? me kno junk no thing. it ok tho. me pic them brains all time, or least me try. may be me pic smart friends to make me look no so dumb.

me kno stuff. like u can live wit out inner part of u brain the center, it has be proven, there is a kid who was born normal wit out the center part of him brain. eve 10 years u get a new skeleton. me kno that me is related to Jonathan Frakes, commander Ryker, from Star Trek TNG. all u trek fans be jealous, lol. no real do no. me has no ever met him an me is no sure how us relate.

me has had a sad week it seem. me is be struggle wit lot stuff. me no member god or jesus or bible or pray, an it frustrate when persons say stuff bout things me no member. if u is go say some thing then make sure put in way me can get. if me still can no get me will ask til me do. gree? an if me ask some please no ignore it. if me ask me real want kno.

me had say to me friends me is no go get to go to them wedding. me feel bad. me real want to. me is no sure me is go get to go to ash an stephen wedding. me is no sure if me be out of hospital by then, me real hope me will be, an if me is me no think me can drive for few weeks. so me has problem. lol. shortie ask if me can make card for them. if me do me do no want it be all scribbles. mean it look like stuff to me but it no look like no thing but scribbles to eve one else.

it frustrate me me can no spell, me try spell love an me no could. it was jus scribbles. frustrate me me can no walk or stand or step. me work so hard an me is back at square one. me have type wit me point finger cuz me no member how type.
me is mad. me no like have start all over gain. me no like be in this room wit no window, wit no company, me no like be hooked up to all these things. me no like be sick. me no like that me whole life me is go be held back by the fact me brain no work right. me is mad that me dream is some me will no ever get to accomplish. me no like that now the on company , if me even do, is the chats on facebook, or messages.
me is mad me can no eve look out the window. it be nice to have piece of outside in here. stead of the white walls, me bet me could say you where all cracks are in this room.

me is be selfish an complain. me should be happy that me is no in worse place. me do have computer an internet. an me friends sort live in it. me has good friends. me has hosppital go to. me watch lot of news an me is very thank for what me has.
me is just mad an me got let it out.

me watch tron yester nite, it was sad but good. me would love have more movie nite wit friends, or even just chat. me welcome company. me has yahoo messenger an aim.
me got me phone yester too. but sim card no work. me is make me agents do all the work. them no like talk phone company but me no can. haha. it is funny.
me went bed watch wizards of waverly place. me love that show. it funny.

me is pose to have bambam card by now but agents say that it has no show up at dress. so me is no get card an that ok. haha. me is very thank for bambam. her is good friend. her say her want be like me when her grow up, her is real big kid me guess. truth be say, me want be like her. her is kind, patient, love, sweet, care, pretty inside an out, her heart so big me is sure me have be travel for days in it. me no think her know how much her impact? world.

this is me blog for now. yester post had most views. an that post was one of me worse post.
me hope you is ok an do well. say me u day or how u do, it be nice to hear from u. me love.

perfection is on imperfection at it best

ever day us change us is no who us were 2 year go, 2 month go, 2 day go, 2 hour go, 2 min go, or even 2 secs go. us are um constantly grow. me is no who me use be, me is no who me go be.

bambam has say to me, me is perfect, but me think perfect is on imperfect at it best. u can no have perfect less u have imperfect. me member some stuff some one say me. god kno this very idea. him is perfect an to keep him perfection him create us. us is his imperfection. just a thought.

me is no perfect, me is no eve good. me right now is mean jerk. me is hurt, yes physical but also personal.

me love me friends wit all me has. me alway will. even if me can no stand to see you face or name or be round u, once u in me heart u is there for life.
me has had trouble member me friends late le. me try me best tho to member them. me put stick note on all over wit names an all sort stuff so if me forget me have help member.

me has pneucoccos meninjitis or some like that. them just now figure that out after 5 weeks be here. there other stuff to but them got that in first to weeks me here, or so them say. them is say bout put feed tube back in. um no. me i s so yum but when me eat me feel like me go puke, or me do. me temp is 104.8 an me heart beat real fast. them had stick to ivs in one arm. them hurt. me is real real hot. me keep have bad shakes, them call seisure. me head hurt lot, worse than ever. me is tire all time, me nap all time, use on for 20-30 mins, an me still have trouble wake up even tho me body want me to. me is puke all time. me on has one lite on in me room cuz it hurt to have brite lites on. me can move me neck all time cuz it hurt lot.me was go say some but me forgot. me can no reach chuggers or me books or me cards an them no hand them to me.
them say puss is grow from crown of me head to back me head. them say them want take it out in surgery bt want wait see if drugs kill lot of it.
right now me would no care if this kill me.

me is so tire of hear, when u are better, then... if me is no better an still sick then no one want anything do wit me, but once me better then them do stuff wit me. me be sick an just die on floor in me room in me dad home, that how me feel. me kno me is sick but me is how feel. me is tire be treat like me is some disease people that if u come any where near me u will die. it no true, me would give any thing for someone be here wit me.

HEAR ME, me want u company. if u no kno what say then just say me bout you day or ask me stuff. me real do feel all lone. me no want bother any one, me feel like me burden alread. but please no just ignore me cuz u no get or no kno what say. u say no thing make me feel like me is no thing. worthless. no worth it. may be me is just no worth it. which is fine wit me, cuz that how it be me whole life.

me dad sent me mail. in mail was letter from me mom to her boy friend at time. it real hurt me wit what it say. just mind me of how much me mom hated me. an now me have no mom. me kno that if there be anyone who read this pathetic blog that u no kno what it like to live wit a mom who hate you. me mean lit. one day her came into me room cry. me ask her why. her was upset me had cut me out eve pic her had. me felt bad bout it but me say to her, me did it cuz u no love me, u no want me. her say that that was a selfish thing to do.

me is a selfish, worthless, stupid, jerk.

put love in that smile that is on you face

some things us no ever say
some things us no ever display
one word be nuff to change it all
one action be nuff to save a fall
it may no be a good week
but be care of what you speak
some one will hear
an it could change them whole year
mind what you do
the right thing can pull some one thro
no be mean to no one
instead love on them some
it is little thing in life
so no cause pain or strife
put a smile on you face
an happy in sad an mad's place
put love in you heart
so no one else life fall a part
no feed that bad  mood crave
cuz wit a smile an love a life you can save
it no hard to do
one day you will see some one has do it for you!

grave digger

this could be me last blog. no cuz me go stop spell but cuz me may be in me last hours. but this could be you last hour too. any hour can be our last hour.

yester nite me temp go up 5 degree in 90mins. me got real sick. me puke blood an what eve else me body could. me start shake lot. me were real cold at first an then me go back an forth from cold to hot. me have lot pain. feel like some one is over an over stab me an kick me. me head is hurt lot. me has had 4 seizures since 2am. me is see stuff an hear stuff. me is dizzy. it hard breathe. all this is still go  on.
them has do tests an scans since all this start. me has no be able sleep. them no let me sleep. them fraid me go into coma an die. them has no idea what wrong wit me. me temp right now is 106.4.

me friends are mazing. me love them. me love you. me would love have friend here to hold me an tell me it all go be ok. me know that sound weird, but me is so tire of be in this room lone. no at all.

persons say them are proud of me, them is honored to be me friend, but me has no do no thing for persons be proud or honored. if me do any thing it is complain lots.

me ask michael bout heaven an him say to me not much but nuff that me got it. him say that when you get to heaven it like big party. him also say that there be many persons that would miss me if me go. me is try believe him but it hard.

me say to me friend that me no know if me make it to her wedding. her is mad at me. me feel real bad bout it. me can no help it.

me an Jasi watch movie nite an it had part that cause me to member why me is in hospital. me an me stupid self. me still blame me for it. no matter what persons say me think me will alway blame me or it will take while til me no do.

me had scan. me hope them find some. me was in bathroom an me look in mirror an you can see where one scar is cuz hair is gone. lol.

shortie say she tire and was go to bed and me say to her goodbye like it be last goodbye ever. it no make me feel good at all.

me is very lone here. me feel very lone. me know that some me friends no know what to say but me wish them just say something. say wit me, ask me some asks, or something. it be better than me feel like me is some sort disease that them can no even say to.

me feel like me should be dig me own grave. just dig hole an you can throw me in it. that is how me feel. this is me blog. this is me life. me is no who me use be. me feel like kid. me has to relearn ever thing an me has learn how walk lit an non lit on me own gain. battle up for war, fight me battle, an be a victor. or least try.

bore out me mind

yester nite an early am was real hard for me. took lot out me. as hard as me friends try me mood no change at all.

me no get sleep til 7am an then me be up at 10 an no go back sleep. me had horrible dreams.

me has spend day clean out me email an watch big bad bettleborgs. me sided leave friends lone. let them be. them need time to love life wit out me for bit.

me no read story day an me on got out bed to use bathroom. me no eve look out window, me no care to. me has stay in bed.

it has no be good day. me mouth is real hurt me, me head is o most no hurt. me has no sleep well last few nites. like me ever sleep well.

morrow me may do same thing as day.

surprise

the pain that me feel got lot worse. me temp went up an me feel like someone was tear me part from inside.

me spend nite watch sun go down. it was real pretty. me real real like it. me like watch leaves turn color. me like make them go crunch. them talk bout cold move in by november. which mean more pain for me but me can bare it. me loves first snow fall. me loves to watch snow fall.  it get nice an peace outside an quiet. Christmas music start too. me fav song is lil drummer boy.
me watch wizards of waverly place and dragonball z and cops. me also watch some more big bad bettleborgs.

yester was a real good day. me think me do real real good. me has be try keep me head think good stuff all time. me want get better. me future just keep look better. me keep get better. me is have hard time get use to cane tho. it no long stick like that monitor thing or thing that hold iv bag. me is work on balance stuff.

me do lot think bout future. me is very happy to move way from home. it just be weird cuz me is no use to no thing but this type life. me has sleep in street, parks, um bandon cars an build, bus stops, bathrooms in winter, even trash can dumpster cuz me want to get way from home or me got kick out me home. me home an life alway fill wit fight yell mean stuff an word. me family is so mess up. me dad is dopted from germany. me no know me blood fam outside me dad sibs mom an her sis. me love me dad's dopted family. me real love me granma.
me grow up in home where all time us move. windows nail shut. all doors either gone or lock all time. bathroom door was lock all time an so was kitchen door. us were no lowed in kitchen ever an us had ask to use bathroom. front an back door had pad locks both on inside an out. us had no way use phone an dad had broke tv to where us could no change channel or volume or turn on or off.
us would go to school an us wold look like us were live in the ally. us were alway make fun of. them call me werewolf in elementry an middle school. it name that stuck too.
but that is me past. me future is look good. me no think me is go get to be what me dream of be but there is no thing stop me from try an if me on end up be some close to me dream then that good nuff for me. me is happy for me future. me get see ocean an mountains an seals. haha. no that no all. me is go get job an work hard at it. me is also go help out lots. me love help out.
it just go be weird live in house where there no yell no fight. it just go be weird to be in place that is peace.
one day me hope go africa. me would love go there an help them build home and to plant crops.
me think me future is go be great!
there are few things me no like bout it. me no like leave me granma but me think some me other family need step up an be there for her. me no like leave bubbles behind. me ask me dad if him think bubbles be fine wit me gone an him say yes. this is her home. her loves me dad, her an elvis best friends. stardust will miss me cuz me is him mom but him an the dogs are best friends an him real like me brother alan, which us all think is weird cuz no animal ever that us has had has no like him. gumby be just fine her like it here. her like me dad lots. me no like no be here for holidays. in 2003 me granpa got real sick round christmas time an us were in foster care an could no go see him. us got out first week of jan an went go see him. that was me last time see him live. him die a week later. so me is no big into no spend holiday no around me family. me know no why, holidays or birthdays or any day real is a good day. it just go be hard to spend holiday wit out me family. but me has to get use to this. me is read for new things.
any way. me no mean bore you wit all that. it just what be on me mind.

me get surprise day an me get go OUTSIDE! me is so happy see what it be. me is play memory wit therapist an me is get lot better at this game. me get new match ever day. them no make me do no thing but memory game. o an them want me work on spell word gain. them think me surprise will make me speak. me no know tho. them think me in way is choose no to speak an them know it most me can no physical speak. them think to that me surprise will help me walk bit better an real help me get better. me just no know what it be.

me is get better at make to window or take steps. me is get there bit faster. me still has get use to cane. it real weird try walk wit it. me no has strong leg them both same. one me hard thing do is get up out chair. soon me no have much trouble walk it just be balance. but me is go get that too.

me has no plan for weekend. me think me just pretty much spend lone. all me friends busy. so me watch movies an shows lone. me ask them bring me book from me home. me has sign book. so me can work on learn that.

me got go outside. me got me surprise. BUBBLES an STARDUST. it was real real real good to see them. me start cry. me was REAL REAL happy. me saw bubbles come toward me an me shouted her name, her start run her o most knock me over. it was the first word me has said. them were very happy me say word. me see stardust too. him was real glad see me an bubbles act like me had be gone forever. her was very VERY happy see me. her was jump all over. stardust got in me lap an start purr purr purr purr an him was sleep. bubbles got in me chair on wheels too. her an stardust stay on me lap an take nap. me want take nap too so me lay me head on bubbles. us play fetch an stardust watch from me lap. then us went for walk. me no could walk far so me sat in chair on wheels and them sort push me. bubbles pull me most time. when it was time for them go bubbles came an sat on me lap an no move. them try to grab her harness an her growl. her no want leave me. no no. me had get up an put her in car. her cry a n me cry. but no be long an me get be wit her for few days.

me eat. after me eat them give me me hat. it no look bad on me. me like lots. just got wait til monday for bandages come off. then if them say ok me can wear it. it blue brown an black.

me has be talk to manda, her is now shortie on me IM. me has miss her. her help me know what church, minister, preaches, an spiritual needs is. her is very good at that. her is move to mo an me is go get see her in few week. me is go stay wit piglet an then me is go may be stay wit roscoe an shortie. lol. me hope her like that name. me like nick names. help me keep persons right in me head. me is happy to go to moberly. me is happy me friends are get marry. me is very happy for them.
them are very good persons. them is go be happy together forever.

me read bible story. me no know if me should ask me asks on here, them no alway get answer. but me is go to. me on read one story. here me asks. me read a basket boat -
    - why did new king no like josephs family?
    - why did new king no want family to have baby boys?
    - how did her get basket to stay float wit baby in it?
    - why did the princess want or need some one to take care of baby for her? if her want it be her own then her should take care of baby.


those are me asks. me has figure out what do for nite. may be me watch movie. me no sure what me do. me know you find out morrow what me do, lol.

me is read go out of here. me is tire of same thing eve day. just few more day me hope.

me hope you has good nite. me love

yes me can

yester nite was good. no good me head was kill me. it was good cuz me friends make it good. me was get frustrate wit persons who say them me friend but yet treat me like me is worthless crap. an it was real bug me. me feel like me was let lot get to me since me was real tire an drug up an no to say the pain too. bambam was like say to me. at first me just feel like me be hassel. me was upset wit way some me friends treat me an me just feel me was go say some wrong an come off wrong to bambam an make her mad. then me think, me has no ever make her mad or o least that what her say to me. so me say her some what in me heart. an us talk. me like when us talk. make me feel better an me know it real did yester nite.

me is use to be good friend an no have good or great friends. me is real glad god give me great friends. bambam say to me that may be god show me who me good friends are an who me bad friends are. me no friends wit just anyone on facebook. me is careful bout me friends on facebook. me even make it hard to find me. me no give me location on facebook either. good number persons no know where me live or what town me is in. it kind funny.

me has be watch big bad beetleborgs. me use watch as child but it see lot better. it still pretty good.

me had hard nite sleep. me wake up lot. me head hurt lot lot lot. it on cuz it real sensitive. me no can shower gain for 7 days. boo.

me had nuff in me bank count to get me a nice hat an a cane. them should be here soon. me still has get new phone an look at get new laptop. me also think me need beanie. me hair short, an it get cold out so me head get cold.

yester me was happy hear from Jerusha, Tiffany, Jasmine, Rachel, Nikki, Tina, Michael, Ashley an Stephen, an Kim. it made me glad. make me smile when Kim an me got say for bit. me is so happy to get meet her. an what real make me happy was bambam say me that her an me big sis becks friends on facebook! now me two big sis' friends an it awesome. me an bambam gree us need visit her.

so now me have two mazing thing look forward to in me future. move to washington an visiting me big sis. but one the most happy things will be to give real hug to bambam an her parents instead of a scribble picture hug.

me end up sleep good long time. me wake up an me head still hurt me lots an lots. it smell real real real yum in me room. nurse put what she say a candle warmer an candle in me room. it smell mazing!

me sis becks post video on me wall. it was lot to get in me brain so me no got lot. me just know it was sad.
me sis bambam spell on me wall that her watch sun rise. her say it very pretty. me is very glad her got to do that. she say me is much more mazing than sun rise but me no know them are pretty mazing, me think. lol

me no like to take joy in me. me know me has thing that make me awesome at times but me no like to brag bout or stuff. me think there so many in world who no know that them is mazing or love an them need it no me. me like say to persons how awesome an special them are.

me has pt in bit. me go eat first. me think them go start me try steps. me is very scare cuz me has no had stand an go down or up in step. me has learn an get tho. me think piglet live on top story an her prob has lot of step. me has to get up them all if me go stay wit her. :)

me has ask - how you end a pray? me no member an me no think no one say me how. what is church? what is minister?

me put ? by words cuz me no sure if me um say word right or if it right word to say or all that fun stuff.

me is yum so me go eat now then pt. when me say go me mean me be in bed but me go eat cuz me is yum. me would share wit you but it be no good by time it get there. lol.

me go pt. me did very good. me even spell one word on paper. guess what word was? no, you no right, are you? me spell LOVE. me took more steps today. them say them take me outside morrow!!! yes yes. them surprise me wit me can. it rived. it pretty blue. an it easy use. me like it. me did better in memory too. an me got one step up step an one down step. it was good pt. now me go try make to window later. me no think me will cuz me is tire but me is go try. yep.

me dad think it weird me have cane an him keep send me jokes bout it. me say him me go wack him wit me cane. me do no think him believe me. me no lie. me will wack him. no me prob no wack him. haha. it sound nice tho. but me no like be mean. me no like hurt persons. no no. me like be very nice. me show you.
one easter me family an me were at bartlett park for egg hunt. hunt had finish an me had do good. me was walk round an there was kid cry. me was on 7-8. me ask why him cry. him say him no get no thing. so me open me bag an me gave him all that was in it. him mom came over an watch whole time say to me you no have do that. me say me no real need any this. me uncle an cousin come over an ask what happen all me stuff. me say to them what me did an me uncle made me cousin give me some his stuff. me do stuff like that all time.

me is no go worry bout me computer for now. it ok. me no worry bout me car. since me no use it most time or hard any time me let me aunt worry bout it instead. me phone. me get pay check even tho me be in hospital so me should be able get phone if me phone now no work. it just suck. me pics an stuff on it. boo.

me go read bible story. me read story of the message. here me asks -
    if joseph good then why in jail?
    how did joseph care for other persons in jail?
    why would butler forget joseph when joseph help him?
    why would corn eat corn an cow eat cow? it me no get.
    how did king know that joseph was wise?
me read story of a surprise visit. here me asks -
    why had no food grow for 7 years?
    why did joseph no say to them that he was their brother?
    why were his brothers afraid of him?

me watch wizards waverly place. max got turn to girl an there was no way turn him back. him parents enter him into girl contest an him won. it was funny. me love this show. batman cartoon on an me love this. me use watch ever sunday at 5.

me has be feel pain in nother part of me body. it is no good. me no like it. me lip is feel bit better. me is read for it no hurt. it hard to eat. an me lip alway go dry. me head is still hurt much. it hurt as much as it did yester nite. but me is no a big baby bout it today.  me cut me finger open day. me no mean to. haha. it was hurt lot now me no even know it hurt.

me is get yum. me go eat.

me made to window!!!!! me get put blinds up an look out. it is pretty. me see trees an grass. them trees are pretty colors. sky is pretty colors. it pretty outside! yep. today be great awesome day! an me nite is go be peace an nice too!

short stuff

me has a dream yester nite but me no member much of it. me just know me has had the dream before.

me wake up an me sleep good. me had ice cream yester  nite me watch roseanne. an me also talk wit bambam for bit. me like talk to her. her is smart. her try talk where me can get it. it no alway work but most time me get.

day is day them make scars small. me has got use to them an go miss them big. but if me let them try new kind of surgery then them is go pay for most me bills. them also try new thing to fill in dent in me head instead use metal. me no know if me pose talk bout it but me is just  no say no thing. lol.
me is kind scare. me has no feel good since yester nite. me temp has no go up so that good. me just hope them no make mistake. that no be good. me is do good at try walk an me no want wake up an find me no can walk. no no.

me think me no good person. them say you reap what you sow. an me think me get nuff to know that bad persons have bad stuff happen them and good persons have good stuff happen them. it no pose be other way round. me phone broke, me computer has some wrong wit it, me hear me car fall part, me is sick an in hospital, me brain is sick. me just no know.

me had therapy. no do much. it was normal time. short um session.

me has go so um pray for me.

out. tire. nap.

me no can sleep well. me head hurt lot. me mouth hurt too. me is still real tire. me has spell blog or some might get mad.

me go watch big bad beetleborgs and read story. bambam say no to give up an to put me asks in me blog. guess this way me no bother me friends wit dumb asks an more persons can have chance answer.

me read story of the dreamer. here me asks.
     parents are pose to love them children all same so why did Jacob love Joseph more than the others?
     why did him brothers want get rid of him? that no very nice.
     how do god watch over we?

me is to tire read nother story. me is yum so me try eat.

me ask that if you pray for me that you pray for me lip, it real real real hurt an you pray that me head no hurt so much. me say thank.

me go eat. be on facebook. watch beetleborgs. an sleep. me sorry blog so short. but some time it better be short than do to much. me love.

Week 4 Day 1

me sleep sort bad. me lip an teeth an head hurt all nite. keep move in bed try to get comfy. them give me few more pillow an them help sleep bit betterer.

from me bed all me can see when look out window is brick. me know sun out there but me no see no else. me go make to window this week me just know. me keep think what out there, is pretty, will me like. if pretty me just want stare out window. me hope me can stand long nuff to stare. me friend julia post link on me wall. it was good video. me love watch seal swim round an then make sound. it was funny. me real like it!

me got say wit me big sis becks for bit. me love her lots. her cool person. her love butterflies. me find butterfly cane that them butterflies glow on, but it too much for me think bout. her alway talk that butterfly are god's promises an blessings. me no sure what her mean but when me see butterfly me think her.

me have pt today. it go good me took 7 steps. no as much as yester but it still good, me think. me got one match at memory. me still no hum tho. sad. me say them bout video bambam make an cards me got and chuggers, an how me say me friends on facebook an text an how me real like it. them talk that it real good and that it seem to be help me get better. them ask me if me think me friends will make more video or send more card or animal, me talk me no know but if no it ok cuz me love them an them say wit me an that good nuff for me. doc no like computer thing at first but now him talk it help me an it good for me. now him like.

me have 6 scars on me head. them ugly. 3 on top, 2 on side an 1 in back. me hair is grow fast. doc say in month two me have look hard see them. :)

me has had time where me wake up an no can move legs, or me forgot stuff that just happen. doc talk this will happen for long time. some days me no walk good or no speak, some days me memory be real bad some days real good. him talk me take cane wit me just be safe. like bambam talk better safe than sorry.

it be long day. it was long weekend. me real loved movie nite wit bambam on friday night. me want to make her feel better an have better day but in end me no think it help. her pick movie, us no think us finish it cuz it were sad but then it have happy end. it good movie. the mom's eyes minded me of bambams.  me no know how me know what her eye color is but me was shock me was right.

me found me have music on me computer. it all good. there music from glee on too. one song me love love love is 3 lil words by press play. raise you voice an talk me love you. lol.

today me no too happy wit self. me no do as good as yester. me try me best. it no make feel good tho. me want to go um forward no back. kind bum bout it.

 me feel bad too. me family lie to me granma bout me. but it for her good. her very old and Chris just die few week before all this happen. me love me granma. yes!

  them took pic of me head an me see it. me no have bald spot at all. me hair is grow normal. me have so many scar on head face arm hand leg. it lot. me no have um tatoo or  um pearcing. no even ears. lol. now me have scar on me lip too. boo. hahaha.

  me dad talk me today. him talk me sister in trouble wit cops, sort no surprise. him is sick. boo. him also mind me of the 25th next month be 4 years. this sad.

me is bother by fact that me no member god stuff or college or stuff like that, but me member dates, an other non special stuff. it frustrate me. me no get mad, me no get angry, me alway forgive or me think that when you take some one sorry. me no hate no one. me no drink smoke or do drug. me think you should alway smile even if no feel like it, cuz it might save some one life. me think you need alway help even if think you no can. me think this stuff but me no know why me think this thing. what bother me most is me will member stuff in sleep but it be gone when me wake up. may be it best if there some thing me no member.

me read to story today. one bout um abraham an lot an how them no share so them move from one nother. the other story was when sarah an abraham was say them go have baby an sarah go haha in no believe. me on had to asks. :)

me had miss breakfast an lunch and for dinner me had biscutes and stew. yum yum. me want ice cream but me no feel me should have some since today me fail. sad.

me phone look like have be replace. sad. me no have money for new one. boo. an all me pics an all me friends in me phone. :( . sigh.

since me phone broke me has feel lone. me have computer yes but me friends no have it wit them all time. me miss me friends.  a lot an lot, even more than lot, much. it no good for baf be lone, no no. baf no like.

me take 12 steps, 4 way from make window. so frustrate. me no can go outside til me reach goals in pt. me hope that soon cuz me start think me no ever go make outside or to window.  :(

me go watch tv, or work on get to window. or may be me just lay here an think bout things. may be me go to bed soon. me is tire.

me hope you day has be good an that you is good. me pray for you yester nite. me pray for world.