Paranoid

its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.

   

yes listen to this video as you read!!

i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life. 

i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen. 

its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder. 

its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries. 

paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever. 

my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas.  my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here. 

Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs. 

i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas. 

thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.

i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke. 

pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.

at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit. 

when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.

so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless. 

so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined. 

why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.

goodnight

during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.

last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.

if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.

i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.

today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.

me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.

there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.

apple

8 hours of sleep. me stayed up watch rest of ghost hunters live, sort of. then me watch roseanne. me love that show. me has see every episode of it. i love that show.

me had a dream bout sara mcguire, patty lincoln, an bambam. they were try to have me follow them, just so them could try get rid of me. it was weird.

it has be a weird day. for some reason me is on this love hutch. me has see it alot an people keep repeating it so me put it as me facebook status, faith hope an love...an the greatest is love. an then last night me was think bout something an this random thing popped in me head. love is everything, without it you are nothing. not sure what it means, but me gree wit it.

mama canady, who me guess does not like casper, lol, tell me not to worry bout bambam, easy said than done. no joke. an me would say me will try, but that is not the case. me will worry bout her an all me other friends too. me just loves them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. when they hurt i hurt, when they cry i cry, when they laugh i laugh, when they sleep...i watch them intently. (lets see who's friends wit me now, lol!!!!) - creep!
i would do anything for any of me friends. me would take a bullet, a car, a knife, a terminal sickness for them. no joke. do not sit there an be like, ya right!, try me....no joke.

so remember few posts ago when me talked bout the chi wa wa? me would name it captain pickles an teach it to say arrrrr....no joke!

me dad car is still be fixed. but...me car is act up, it is some wit the fuel system. boo.

me always forget to put some in me post an me always say me will do it the next one an then me forget again. lol

me has some pics. them say the ones wit me in them can not be posted because them is for the trial. what eve. so me will post me room pics some time soon.

pt. mama canady me is work very very VERY hard. me is always go have trouble wit stuff tho. but me is work hard so that me no have that much trouble. yes yes! haha. me can o most lift me arms over me head. an me can o most move me legs on me own. yes! i am still scribble scribble scribble tho. an no sound is come from me mouth, not even a hum. me ate an apple today an me kept it down. an me has be sleep good. just not on a good schedule. an me say this to ash but me is go say this on here because it is important for me, me has been make bm's on me own. yes. it is a bit gross but good.

me got to talk wit shortie an piglet today. it was good. last night me got to talk with Jasi! her was very proud of me spell an grammar.

glee is come on in a bit. but me hope everyone is have a good day, an know that you are loved lots.!!! <3

happy halloween...me hope

happy halloween!

me member when we lived on Jules my dad would go all out for halloween an christmas. him would decorate our um forum an living room with boxes an totes full of decorations. lights, animation, all sorts of stuff. our duplex was creepy as was tho. it was crazy. there was some thing in that house. me no believe in ghosts but me do believe in evil things. me dad swears him saw ghost.

last night me watch storm chasers again at 11. then me watched that 70's show, everybody hates chris, and an episode of family matters. me like holiday themed episode of shows.

it has been a long morning. me went an done pt. will do it again in the early pm. try to build muscle back up. work on write, or scribble. an memory games.

me is on soft diet. just to make sure me stomach can handle stuff. applesauce, icecream, soup, broth, yogurt, pudding, mashed tatos, oatmeal. hope by wed me can start harder stuff. it would be great!

so me doc say it is ok for me to help pass out candy to kids. so yay. me love kids. them smile is like a angels kiss. it warms the heart. an the laugh is like a song from heaven. lol.

me is go to be scary. me is go as meself. lol. that is scary.

lot of the nurses are dressed up, long wit docs, an therapists, it makes it a bit fun round here. me guard even dressed up as a police officer, haha haha ha....
the other two one is a ninja, an the other is a lawyer...that is scary. lol

no investigation feed today. them is let me enjoy tv...haha.. it is me treat...now me has pull a trick on them. lol

so me is watch Munsters. Alvin an chipmunks frankenstein movie. then from 5-8 is trick or treat. which me is excited for.

me is sad for me friend jasi. her lost a friend an her is all sad. her is real good at write stuff tho. me wish me could help ease her pain.
stephen is go as a zombie nurse rockstar something. it is pretty scary. lol. no joke. haha. think me would pee me self if him walk into me room. no joke. haha
me miss bambam. noooo joooke. me hope her is alright. me worry bout her. me think her is part elf. just say. there is a reason for that. lol.
me miss shortie an piglet an kara. no joke.

what is funny is ash use no joke last night. her say her talk to me too much. but that it is a good thing. her is pick up on me mannerisms. just hope it is only the good ones. lol.

it is sunny outside. me was freeze all night. me got 8 1/2 hours of sleep. me is still tire. not sure if this is a good thing or not.

pt is a pain in me body. no joke. this build muscle thing is build pain thing instead. but me hope that by the end of the week me can move round on me own, me mean move not walk or anything. tho that would be nice.

so me is real worry bout me bambam.me wish me could do so much more for her than what me is. me is bout ready to break all the rules, no joke, just to let her know what her means to me. that tho this world may be try to break her down, that her is rock hard. they can chip her, but they will not break her. her is an angel. when you is round her you feel piece of heaven. and the only vibe you get from her is complete an total love. no joke.

pass out candy was fun. some of the kids were scary, like me was kinda scare to give them candy. then there were the real little kids that were sooooooooooooooo precious an adorable. no joke! me did have a bad moment so me was out for about 15 mins, but then me got back in on the action. kids kept call me him an sir, boy, guy, man, yep. haha.

one of the nurses brought me a treat. starbucks. lol. the psl. pumpkin spice latte. me is not sure what me is go do wit rest of me night tho me has idea.

me hope everyone has had a safe good halloween!

WED day

yester nite me temp went back up to 105.9. right now it is 106.2. me could no sleep so me watch movies all nite til 6, n then me fell sleep. me sleep til 830.

me talk wit bambam yester nite. me love her. her is one me heros. her is so strong even when her think her no. me is learn so much from her. her is a mazing person, friend, an sister. her say her is go skype wit me sometime day. :D that make me happy!

me felt kind bad that me fell sleep. me is one who say me is alway there, an it no matter the time that you can alway text me or call me, well cept now you can no, an me will be there when you need me. well ash text me just after me fell sleep. me felt bad cuz this was one those times me was no there.

today is ash an stephen wed. pose to skype it for me. even if them do no, me is happy for them. them has be wait long time for this. even tho it short time, it has be long in them minds. me is sad that me will no get talk wit either one them for o most a whole week but it is ok. them is go have fun on them honeymoon. me know where them is go, but them no know that me know. lol.
shortie ask me if me had gift for them an me say me sort do. me is no good at shop for wed or birthday or anything. haha. me use has some one wit me who is good at this stuff, or me has someone do it for me. lol. me is go make them some tho. when me can do stuff wit out it look like a baby done it.

bambam say that me should no do anything when me go home, or no at first. me gree but it will no happen. me just know me will have to wash stuff so me can have clean bedding, have to pick stuff up off floor so me can walk thro me room, prob check animals to make sure all 14 of them are fine an have food water an fresh bedding/litter. then me is prob go have to do all dishes in sight. try ing to get 2 teenage boys to do anything to help out round the house is hard. or impossible when it comes to me brothers. then if me dad forget to get stuff, an him will, me will be go to the store to get what him forgot. then there is the cook, an then the clean up. an then the next day come one of the things that me look forward to eve year. we get the christmas tree! last 2 years us have use me car, but me is no sure if it is go happen this year or no. any way, we go as fam usu, an us find tree an it use be me dad cut it down but now me twin cut it down, while me pull to help make it go faster, an then me an one me bros carry it to be pick up. stardust has no ever see a real christmas tree, this will be awesome, me just hope him no try to climb it. lol. then usu some time in next week we decorate it.

when it come to drive round tho. me think me is go have let me brother, dustin, who can drive but is no legal, drive me round. me was one who taught him to drive, so me hope him no try kill me. lol.

an then me has o most nuff pillows at home that me can make me self comfy in me futon. me wish matress was no so thin but it is ok.


shortie an me make this evil guy so we could destroy him. it sound fun at first an then me start think me no want to think bout kill someone right now, even if them is no real. so when her ask me waht me was go do to him me say me is go hug him. our hugs broke the evil curse on Tina n now him is good!

me watch ghost whisperer at 1am it was the christmas episode. me has on seen that show 2ice. before that me watch fraiser. it was funny stuff.

me think tonite me is go watch phantom of the opera if no other plans come up. piglet an jasi say them both may try skype wit me, so me may have plans, or maybe one me friends will be like hey, want watch movie, an if me is alive an awake, me will belike umYEAH!lol.

me is no go lie tho, me eyes are tire. an me is so weak. it is work just to breath. lol. but me has smile on me face. sorts, it is no a baf smile but it is no  frown or a me is die face.

me can no wait til me is out of here, then me can act skype. me has be tempt tho to go head an unmute me mics or even just show me web cam. bt me no want lose me laptop. no no.

me is no sure me is go get that wheel chair. me no think me is, them were pose to give address for one me persons to go pick it up at but that has no happen. so me guess if there is day me feel me can no do some or me friends an me go some where an me is no able to walk me will just have sit an let them wonder round. me no mind. me is happy when me friends are happy.

me is bruise lot easy. me no ever bruise but me is no an it is no hard to give me one. the guard drop the movie on me arm an now there is big bruise. ya...from movie that weigh like no even 1/2 lb.

ash could no get skype to work. it was sad. me no get see wedding, bt it is ok. them is marry now an me is very very happy for them!!! me love ash an stephen so much!!!!

bambam an me watch movie. haha. her is very good but also very bad at pick movies. lol. the movies her pick are very good, but them is ones that make me heart sink to me stomach an tears rise in me eyes. us watch lifted...an if you have no see it, beware, me had stop it. me was sob thro most the last half.
in so many part of that movie, me would think, me has be there, me has be there...no joke. me mom alway pick guys that had no respect for anyone but them. an her would alway bring us kid round them. her would be so high that any one of her guy friends could have kill us an her would no have cared or even realize it. her guy friends would be jerks. wit some them we even look at them in any way an them would beat the crap out us. me would never let them touch me sibs. me alway step in an protect them, took their beat. mom would sit there an watch it or even help. me can no tell you how many times me dump alcohol, or flush drugs, an turn round an take care of me mom. one time us went see me "grandpa" - mom dad - an him beat the crud out me for refuse do some for him. us would go home tell me dad what happen an him would turn round do the same thing say me was lie.
me mom did start go to meetings tho. me hated go to them wit her. me know them helped her but me hated go to them. an then me aunt start go to, an me still hated go. me still will no go if ask.
lot time music would be the on escape me had. me would go in me room, block the door, an blast me music. there are time me still do that, if me is real mad or real sad. me would use music to drown out all the noise, the fights, the yell, the pound, the threats. an still do.
the movie was sort a tribute to those who have serve in military an them families, especial those who have die in service. it is a remind that them have give them life but them is no gone.
made me real sad. me miss Chris Link, lots. an me granpa was air force, an me miss him lots too.

after the movie, bambam an me skype! it was good ok great to see her face an here her voice. an her was the bambam me member. her is very silly. lol. but her is very precious to me!

me was go take nap for bit an then them come in an ask if me want shower/bath. me was like, yea! haha. me is clean. me is just real hot an start smell funny gain. lol. after shower me went to have scans. them say there is small area of puss but them think them can kill it wit some meds.

now me is back in me room. bambam is go skype wit me gain! woot! an mama canady may join in! hurray!

me no think me is go watch phantom of opera tonight.

me has a new name for me seisures, them are me bad moments. me is no sure why me is sick or why me body will no heal, it is very sad.

it is just another mystery to be solved in this part of me adventure.

Masquerade

me has do lot of discover me self. or me old self. me is try find out what me like in music an movies an ect. TFK is awesome, an their song masquerade is mazing. but that is no why me name this post that at all. nope.

yester nite was a no other nite of no sleep. so bear wit me if me spell is off an if me has revert back to a pervious version of me self. what me mean by that is spell version of me self.

me got skype wit ash for a bit. it was real good to see her face an hear her voice. it was nice to get to see a real person, live. me was pose to skype later that nite wit both ash an stephen but some thing came up an it was late an, well, them was go have big busy day today, so me was like, it is ok.

a few mins later me start seisure bad. me real wish them would go way.  it fin got to point where me had to get off me laptop an move it way from me. mme watch lot of disney channel. least me temp is now 104.8.

at 9 am me tv switch to live feed of the investigation. it make me sick to me stomach to watch an hear all that. about 3 one the guards came in wit me mail. by this point me was try to hide me from the tv. me blarred music, an hid under me pillows. at 5 it went off. me was so thankful.

shortie is awesome. ever time me think bout her me has the shortie song go thro me head. you know the one that go - shortie like a melody in me head got me go nananaa ever day got me ipod stuck on replay replay. it is a bad song but if you know me shortie than you can gree, her is one person you no ever get tire of. me got mail from her today. her sent me the sun. no joke. ok. no the act sun, but her catch the sun wit rope an pull it into a card to give to me. the card was awesome! an her sent me phantom of the opera! the newer version. it is her so me has give it back, which is no prob, but me think it is mazing!

me love phantom of the opera. it is good movie. an it puts me to sleep. so me will prob no make it thro the movie once, but me will get sleep. haha. sing to me....da da da daa.

me has no yum today at all. me is still heve. yuck. sad ness.

shortie say when me is out or able have visitors her is go come visit me an we are go have lots fun. this is go be nice. me would real love that.

me love me friends. no joke. an me is go be real cited when me can visit them.
me do no like idea of be in moberly, nor st. jo an me is real glad me is no in kc. those boys family lives in one of those 3 cities. but me is no fraid of them. ok, may be just a bit, but that is on cuz me is no strong nuff to stand up or protect me.

me got a letter from me cousin Allen, him is in prison for drugs an steal. me is go start email him. me has also be get letters from those guys family. eve one of them ends up go to agents. but it make me feel like me is at fault. but there is no a day that go by that me no feel me is no in some way.

just like me say to ash yester nite. me hate put me friends thro all this, so many rules an things that me can an can no do, it freakin sucks. an me hate put them thro that. no a day go by that me do no blame me self for so much.

an wit monday just round the weekend, that blame game is get more players involved. monday be 4 years since me mom be dead. me fam blames me for it, for no be there, for so much, but me alway get blame for most thing in me fam. no big deal. me feel like that lil kid gain: now look, you made you mom leave. - you alway got to ruin eve thing good for me. - it is you fault me no has boyfriend. -why were you no watch you sister? - if you had do this, that would no ever have happen. -me hate you. -it you fault me try kill me. -it you fault that me can no get high/drunk/laid. -it you fault we are live on street. -you on got beat because what you did was bad. -it you fault me did this or that or them did that or this. an so on.
but that was no as bad as what me hear when me try to get help: you is lie. - you did to you self. - you dad/mom would no eve do that, them is too nice. -me will no hear of it. -you deserve it. -the way you act, all nervous an stuff, say to us that you is lie. -how would you like to go to jail for say a lie? an so on.
me whole life it was a sea of voices an that was all them roar out. that is me lil spew for the week.

 who can real say that no of this is me fault. we all have part in ever thing, right?!

guess me spell is still bug some persons. lol. but me was glad when some one act try to correct me. my is one word that me brain will no let come in an stay. but me was glad that them least try.

me was pose to have date nite, but it no happen. ah well.

Jamie say that jesus is leprechaun. him say on an idiot would believe in a fairy tale like that. or one like there is a god. him want me to watch some bout darwin. me is go watch it cuz me say me would. an me listen to vic at flf. him say read thro psalms, an there you will find god an who him is. so me is go do that.
eve one wants me make decision. is it no nuff that me say that yes there is a god, or do me have to get down to details? sorry, it frustrate me. if you did no know, me is in hospital and still very sick. it is go take me prob more than few days to say hey this is who god is an this is where him is. but that is me fault to. me chose to get sick an forget god an what me believe. it is a hard thing. me is luck if me can member yesterday. an you want have big hard chat wit me bout god? no no NO! me is learn little by little eve day. me ask questions when me has them. me has take step by step. me feel like eve one want me to make a choice bout god an get all this out the way before me learn how to sit up on me own, stand, walk, or even speak. me will listen you talk bout god or about why there is no god, me will have chat wit you bout bible an all that stuff, but all me ask is that you stop push me. it is a thing that took me long time to learn before all this happen an now me has to learn it all gain an make a choice. 22 years is no go happen in 2 days or 2 weeks, if eve 2 months.

now on to some else.

me love me friends. me know me alway say this, but IT IS TRUE. me is learn from me friends but as me talk wit them them say that them is learn from me. me no get it real. me is no teach them any thing. me ask them asks, an them answer them, but that is no me teach. bambam say her is learn how to love how to be love an me is teach her lots, an shortie say her is learn to care for her friends an is learn from me. me no get. at all. me is a jerk most time. so me no see how there is love or care in taht.
ebony, who me has no hear from in while, say taht piglet talk bout me lots, an ash say taht her an stephen talk bout me lots. me ask is why? me no get me friends. them is weird, but awesome. haha, it like that nationwide commericial:  -...weird - but awesome!! haha. it is true. no joke. it is like them have bore lives an have no else to talk bout but me. that is weird, an bit creepy, but no true. haha. me love them. an it is good to hear that them love me too. or are talk bout me to eve one else but me, lol, jk. if me give them some talk bout that is fine wit me!

it is go be a weird long next 3 days. adventures away!

hot in here

it is 74 in this room, but me body temp is now sad le, 106.4. boo. it was a few grees worse earl e er. them say them got all infection out me head, but some time me wonder. them thot me was go die. them is still no sure if me will be fine. me has be have real bad seisurses. 2-3 an hour an them last for few mins. me has puke so much that it is now just dry heves. puke lot of blood. pain is so bad that any lil thing causes killer pain. blink, breath, type (but me will deal as long as me is get chat wit me friends), swallow, etc. me oxygen mask is bac to 100% wit out it me oxygen is 10%. boo. me is see stuff. animals, monsters, rainbows - me love me rainbows them is so pretty - , fairies, persons, even things that no have life, like a spoon, an well you get point. me hope.

me spell today have been horrible. me has had to real focus hard an work. me has had to delete an fix so many errors. that is why this blog has take so long to spell. if me did no fix it me no think you be able read it. no joke.

me has had real bad day, cuz of be real real sick. but...it has be good nite.

ash skype me for bit. it was good to see her face an hear her voice. an me is pose to skype wit her gain bout 35 mins ago. lol. 1 day an then them is get marry. me is so happy for them. it hurt to smile but me has big smile on me face. that is how happy me is for them, plus me has tears in me eyes when me think bout them. them are sooooo special. me like no love chat wit them both. them make me smile, BIG SMILE, me love them. an me can no wait til me get to visit them an them get to visit me!!! #stok3d

piglet, kara, jenn, bambam, mama canady, shortie, them all say them want visit me, make me smile. what make me frown is them will prob no get to til me is out the hospital. boo!!! me say boo! lol. but me is cited for day when visits get to start whether be in hospital or no.

nite for last, me had dream bout shortie, an then me had dream bout bambam, then me had dream bout a pup. them was weird dreams, shortie was mean, bambam was a demon zombie, an the pup dream some one had broke in me house an me follow them an them was mobsters an it was weird. me no sleep yester nite at all. boo.

them is say me should get out week of thanksgiving if me do no die or have any serious probs. me get go home clean me room - me dad say you can no see me floor an it is me room so me has clean it up -, then me get to do eve thing for thanksgiving - cook, dishes, clean, - an day after us have fam tradition where we go get tree day after thanksgiving. that is alway fun. then me dad may have work black friday, so me is go pray for him an for all others, serious.

me is glad morrow is the last day me has to watch investigation stuff. no joke. me watch it all day cuz me did no want move an no all that puke was from sickness..lol. just say.

me is no sure what me is go do wit me whole weekend but that in it self is go be adventure!

day 2

me has no be sleep well. an about 12:15am me got to feel the crisp fall air an see the unstarry sky. me is tire of this. me has no clue why persons are so cruel in this world. there is no reason for anyone to have it set out that them is go destroy a person.
me new room is smaller, lot. no window still. me has met me new guards. there is six all to gether. them seem cool. two stand at door while one sit at nurse station. them switch up ever so often. there is to lady ones. one seem mean, but it just her seem, me no think her is. me could be wrong.


it is o most wed an it o read seem like it be week. again the tv was hook up to where me has to watch whole investigation. me is jus glad me is no there. one thing that stuck out today, an if me get in trouble for say this, ah well, was this:

          "her life is the on thing hold me here. wit out her, you would have no thing an me an me brother would be free. her life for the last 4 years has be no thing. her has be run, cuz her is wuss. her has be hid behind lie that ever thing will be fine when her kno it will no be. an her purpose, her has kno that too, an has love ever min of it."

it just went on an on. an him no ever admit to any thing, so them can no use no thing against him. :/ . feb 012 will be 5 years an if him is no charge by then them him will have less time. me o most feel it all jus go end up wit no thing happen. no sentence, no time, free to do it gain. an it that happen, an it happen gain, me no think me could live.
me no want go thro it all gain. #truth

eve one is say how it is def become fall out, cuz it get cold. me feel it too. it is cool in me room. me has 3 blanket. me sleep no soon after me got here an me think nurse, who is real nice, put extra blanket on me. me sleep real good wit it. me had lot weird dreams. me dreams are alway weird. like that one wit the indians also had me friends, an persons from glee. ya, me know, weird!

today me stomach has hurt lot, feel like some one yank on me stomach. me has be real shake all day. lite headed, an eve time me take deep breath me left side throbs wit a sharp pain. me is still no able breath well, but hey, who cares. lol

me has date on friday. an saturday afternoon. make me happy that me get to in way be at wedding!

me fin got to chat wit me pig for a bit. me was real happy bout that. her crack me up.
then me found this stat an me had to give in to bambam's thing bout me be awesome, an admit it, but it was on once, so, her is win!

me last few post have either be very down or toned in anger. me is no go say sorry, cuz it is how me is feel.

me think morrow me is go see if me can get some crayons or coloring book, me is go want try. maybe you color wit me? :)

me adventure just keep get more interest. the journey bit hard er eve day but, it is life, an no one say it would be any where near easy.

aufgebracht

thunder. it is the noise that let us kno a storm is come. it shake house, car, even trees, an persons. some fear it, some love it, some it can go both way.

there is no window in me room. but me kno it has be storm, cuz me can hear the thunder.

today has be quite the day. me spent lot of day sleep. after stay up til 2 watch Amityville Horror, which scare the fudge out me. then me watch spiderman an him mazing friends. me spent most me nite up chat wit ash, an then wit piglet for bit. both fell sleep on me. watch storm chasers, an it was intense episode. then watch this thing an it was cool just real strange.
the nurse had come in an put music on while me was sleep, guess her figure it would help me sleep. me woke up to hear this song by FF5, no alone, an since that song me has had, just tell me me is no alone, stuck in me head. it rings so true for me. but...w.e.

when me did wake up it was like 2pm, me had be up before that but on for bits at time. me tv was on an me could bare hear it. on me table was note that say, want you be part of this so gave you week an now it is time to get involve. it was from the agents. so me spent me afternoon listen an watch them interview one person an then me stomach bout fell to floor. them brot in david. so from 3:30 to 6, me listen to him say lie after lie after lie.

me spent most day yesterday wait for piglet to get on facebook or to text me. me did get text but it was from ash, an me got confuse on who was who. it suck. ash an me had good chat tho. piglet got on for bit after. an now me has be wait for time me has be up to hear from piglet...............

so this god thing....
here is me thot on it so far. for one, me hate when persons say, god exists whether you think so or no. um, do no say that too me, me will serious punch you in face, same wit some one who say, god do no exist an that is some you need to kno. SHUT UP! no joke.
now, that that is out there... me think that there is a god of some sort. whether him is god of bible - an hey that is wht me use believe, right?! that was me, then me forgot, an now me has to find out for me self. but me do like that this line bring peace, love, an friendliness. me also like the stories, an the act of pray. it is no a bad thing to spend time believe in some an be good an all, in the end whether wrong or right, least you live good life. -
the thing of there is no god. this can no be a belief. serious. if you no believe in god of bible, or believe that there is no such god, then you must think you you self is god. if you say there is no god, than you must on believe in you self an that make you a god, so there in you are you own god.
whichever, there is a god. me would like to hear why some persons believe in god of the bible an why some do no believe in a god.
just member it is me choice. keep batter me an me could possible make a choice no one will like. no joke.
this is no go be a over nite thing either. an hey if me die, well, me no have worry if me is go heaven or hell, right, cuz me has alread gave me heart to god, right?.
if you say this whole thing is stupid, well, guess what, me is a freak n dumbass, so yes it may be a stupid thing, but me is go do it. no like, then eff off! <--- :O , yes me did just say that!

so this whole, tell me that me is no alone, thing...
me has had ruff day. me chat wit shortie an her is like, is some thing up?, ...you seem like you do no care. - that has be right. me is where me no care. me no care if me live. me no want wake up cuz ever min me is wake me wish me was back sleep, or dead. no joke. me friends, them is like you is no lone. bs. me is very lone. in a room wit no windows. an me has computer an me has phone but how much interaction do me get wit persons on those, hard none.an then me have spend this whole week watch that stupid tv, listen to lies an details an all for what? pure torture? an me has try turn tv off, or mute it an them has it fix to where me get control bck after certain time. which sucks! an me has 3 dif trials me has to worry bout.

me is angry an hurt. an what sucks is me has deal wit it all on me own. cuz that is how it alway is. lost an so afraid where is the hope/love in a world so cold?! feel the love, what love, serious, me feel cold an mad, hurt an scare, an love is where?! no joke.

this adventure sucks. it feels like a jounrney to no where.

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

fry day

me had scan earl e this am. me feel like me brain is fry in me head. like eggs in a pan. cept this is a real BIG egg, ok, so no so big but lot big than egg. jus bit big than egg. me brain is real small. them say a scan late today an that will um choose if me need surgery or no.

me have nice say wit ash an shorite. all me has see all day is that me is sweet kind awesome people an that there is no way me could eve be jerk. me think there some wrong wit them. shortie say me no see good in me or good part of me. me kno me has good part but me no like to brag on it. me also kno me is jerk mean selfish an me complain lot.
ash say it jus me try figure out what go on in me world, that is true to, but me complain too much. her also say me is jus say how me feel.
few say them like read me blog. me is no sure why. them say it is me life in words, it is encourage, me is super sweet, an me is honest bout how me feel. this is no true. me is no alway all honest. me start say thing an then me choose no to, me jus feel it is go be super harsh an mean an hurt someone. this is no me life in words, some of it is, but no real. me no see how it encourage at all. have any u eve yum me? no, then how can u say me is super sweet? :P
me is sure me is be sweet when me point out that some me friends who say them me friends are be super jerks an no good friends or friends at all. yep that sure is sweet of me. but me no care. me is go be honest bout it. there is no excuse to take one minute out of day to say hi or that u is think of someone. me no just say this for me. me is say this for all. it no have be facebook, text u friends. if u say u friend be a friend or fry away the friendship. me is no say to me friends on, me is say to all world. be friend to others that u want to have. if u want good friends be good friend. if u want awesome friends be an awesome friend.
yep. me jus say that. it is what me think. wit that said. me is no awesome friend, so me no kno why me has awesome friends. serious.

me has be dumbfinded by few simple thing that few persons have say to me.

shortie say her like when me wake cuz then her can say to me.
bambam say that what me has to say is important an her want to hear what me has to say.

these are things in me whole life that me has no ever once hear. an if me has me no member, or persons no real mean. me cry when them both say them things. me kno them mean it. persons alway thing me is shy but truth be say, eve time me try say some persons alway act like me is no worth hear an shove me off like me is no thing. an use it me hear that persons can no wait for me go to bed cuz that on time that life is real good for them. me no real eve hear any one say them like say wit me. so it is total weird to hear it, but it jus make me stop an me heart sink. it would u too if u spent most of 22 years hear that u just no worth the listen to, or say wit.

piglet say the me is encourge mint. her say this (me copy an paste) -

And some people are heroes by the way we see them live their lives. They keep going through the sunshine and the rain, no matter what. You are one of those people. You keep pushing through even though life kinda sucks at the moment...

me no think persons realize me struggle. eve day me fight wit the thot of die. will today be the day, will me make it thro, die seem so much easy choice than fight, it make all happy if me did die or do die, no one miss me, life would be so much better wit out me...an yat yat ya. it is a day an hour struggle. me think what is me fight for, why should me keep fight, blah blah blah. it serious stuff.

no to mention that me get frustrate wit the um constant god thing persons say. back to square one. truth is me no care bout rerelearn all gain right now.that bad? me is jus to tire. an if me is go have nother surgery me just feel me should wait. me no want forget gain. if u is go say some bout god, gain me say this, make sure u say me that me get it.

me will help u bit. me mind set is no that of me age, me mind set is that of kid. so no do all time, but say stuff as if u say to kid, main when it come to real hard stuff, big words, an god. me will say if me get or no get.

yester me blog bout how me was no sure me was go get go to ash an stephen wedding. me an ash was say an her say that if me is out of hospital by wed time that them would come get me. me would be special guest. me brain want to take it one way, special as dumb friend wit cane who can no speak an can no be on own, but, yes me mention a butt, haha (me love that joke), me let me heart  take it as a friend them love. it make me feel good. her say if me is no out then them can set up skype so me can sort be there. me was think, that be awesome an bambam could watch too.

me real like say wit ash yester. us say bout old cartoons. it was good. me LOVE cartoons, but mainly old ones. an some newer ones too. me use like the dumb sidekick persons on the cartoons, an right now me feel me can relate to them. man, it would be awesome to be patrick star, or cosmo!!!

me also say wit mama canady for bit. me is go have find name to call her. me has thing wit names.. an late nicknames have help me kno who is who. bambam is like u can jus call her mom, but me has on real eve call one people mom an that was me mom. some time me call me aunt mom, an it the family thing round here wit me sibs so me say wit others some time me mom, but me no like to. so me has got find name for her. me love mama canady an her make me heart do this --> :D . yep. her is so sweet an kind, love an care, an her pass it to her girl, bambam. which mean that that family has be awesome. no joke.

me temp is 105.4. me head is real hurt lot. me has ice pacs an the room is cold, but me is so hot. me keep have seisures. them is no fun. me fell off bed to ice yester nite. nurse made in both time to keep me head from hit ground. them fin put strap over me. so me is strap like seat belt in me bed. me want sleep all time. me on get 2 3 hour at time an then them wake me up. me is no dog. them use let me sleep lil longer in morns. me no want feed tube so me try eat what them give me. me eat most it an then it jus come right back up. them is try keep me from go deaf. me is alread half deaf in me right ear. even tho sometime me can hear real well wit that ear. me keep have blind in me left eye. it come an go. them is prise me has no have stroke yet. yester nite pain was so bad for most nite that me was shake so bad me was hold on to bed arm cuz me was scare me was go shake right off me bed.

me can no wait have me phone back. it be nice. me want to get motorola phone. me need get sd card for me phone. me hope me can find some one to get me pics off me old phone. it has me first pics of stardust.
me needs to get new glasses too. me has had these no change for 5 years. me can see wit out them, it just far way is some blur. me has stigatism.

me like all me friends lots. me wish me got say wit them more. me is go be real happy when me get met them aall an see them gain. yes yes.

when me horrible pain fin went way an me stop shake, me was think bout when me move. me cide me is go try find me nice van or jeep or wagon to buy an me is go give Wilbur to me aunt, or me dad. an me figure gas an it on under $300 to get there. no bad. an it 1 day an few hour trip. but that no case for me. it is go be longer. cuz me is go sleep for bit. haha. me keep think bout video that Julia show me an the seals. them were funny. me is happy to see seals. it may sound dumb. me has on see seals an other animals in the zoo. me is no so scare of water no more. high is nother thing. haha. me think as long as me wit bambam me has no thing be scare of, haha, cept her. lol. her is one tuff cooke, jus no try eat her. lol.
me is go try take plane out there to visit at end of January. me think me will welcome break, be glad to meet the fam, and get seat next to window. yep.

them agents say them is go set up cams an start investigate next week. an me is go get watch whole thing, bo-mean yay! (me is go sleep thro most it.) haha. me forgot what them is investigate but me is sure me member some time.

me hate member an then forget an member gain. it sucks balls. yep me say it.

me was come back from scan this am an there was to nurses push a gernie down hall wit some one who had die on it. it has be on me mind lot day. me think bout chris an die. me think bout me sis an me mom. me think bout me granpa, me think bout Tiffany, an so many other persons who have die. me has be to lot of funerals.

me is no sure what me do for weekend yet. it be cool to sort have video chat. tho me can no do video, u can. me can no. haha. me can no do voice chat, u can. me can no. but that be cool. watch movie or jus see some new. yes u be new to me eyes. lol. an it be nice to hear some other than this silence or machines. but me no think it happen. haha. it dream. just like me wish some one send lot of paint haah, me can throw all over walls an then it be some new to look at. haha.

me watch Alice in Wonderland wit shortie. her did lot of say dur movie. which is ok. me like it. me love movie.

me family has be stress me out an me is no eve there. me is glad me is no there right now. me sis is have problem wit her ex boy friend an him family, me aunt is have problem wit her husband, me sis an me bro are steal an get real deep into drugs, one bro is deal wit court, me other bro me twin is be threat an all sort stuff. what me real hate is that me sis exboyfriend fam has come over to me dad house an cause trouble an in process hit me dog. that is big no. us no hit animals in me house unless it spank for be bad, but that is out of love. me is very mad bout it.

me has had bad rest of day. me seisure real bad an hit me head. it knock me out real good. right now me feel like crap. me feel worse than me did before. me is alway get worse an no better.