hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.

my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

goodnight

during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.

last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.

if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.

i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.

today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.

me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.

there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.

fall risk

last night was a real good reliever for me. got to talk wit bambam for the first time in what seems like forever. an me got to talk wit jasi! it was awesome. me also go talk wit ash. me loves all three them lots an lots an ......(continues into forever)!
Ohana means family. an if you are a lelo an stitch fan, like me, then you know this all too well. jasi took me in as one of the tribes members?, an it is supposed to be a family tribe. only thing is, i do not really see myself as part of any family, not even me own. no joke. i do like the idea of people supporting one nother as family. guess it is just a me thing. mean, me loves me family, but even tho them are me family, it do not feel like we are a family. get? some times me wonders if me will ever truely feel part of a family or no. maybe that is just the way it is supposed to be. *shrugs*
do not get me wrong, there are some out there that me consider family, an you know who you are. 

this am me woke, after having a rough night sleep, wit a 103.7 fever stomach hurting like crazy an just feel like me was go to up chuck everything.  me did pt. them say them has cancelled second session. boo. yes me said boo. me say boo cuz me legs are get stronger. so is rest of me.
one thing me loves is this green braceleet me has on. it says FALL RISK. haha. every time me look at it me grin an smile a bit. it is sort of a no brainer. 

me had dream last night.

bambam an i were sitting at a table an jasi was on the couch. we had just arrived at stephen an ash's house. me was so nervous bout seeing them all. an for some reason or another, me knew me could talk but was scared to because me thot if me talked them would be mad, so me did not talk. well, then us all went to me house. an me dad was sit there tell them me was lier an all sort stuff an them believed him. an me try to tell  them him was lier but all me could do was hum an say random words.

it was nice have all us there together but it broke me heart that them hated me. me guess it is a fear taht me has, that one day for some reason we will no longer be friends, an given the last few years, me do not think it is some me could take. no joke at all.

me new phone is pretty awesome. it has its bad features. but overall me has no service on it an me can do more on it than wit me phone that does have service.

me is not sure what me is do this weekend. usual there is some sort of plan. am go get off me laptop for bit. so if you send me a message me hope me get it. lol.

there are a lot of fears that me is deal wit, there are lot of things that me struggle wit, most me keep to meself, cuz to the rest the world they seem silly. doctors say me has mind of 10 year old. an still these fears an struggles are not things a 10 year old would even think about, unless, that 10 year old was like me an 30 at the age of 10. this journey rises new asks everyday, new mountains, an pops dreams that me has had for so long. its a journey of pain, bt one that will lead me to the rest of me life.

candy

no me did not misspell canady or cady, me mean what me spell....candy.

there is this lil boy who is usual at pt when me gets there. him an him mom got in a car wreck an his legs were broken really bad, him mom did not make it. the nurses were surprised when him came over to me on monday an start talk to me. them say he has not say a word to anyone since the accident. so we are pt buddies. we do lot of the same activities. his name is Jake. he came up to me an gave me a piece of candy. reeses. jake an i support one another, we are one another cheer system. he is only 6, an he is a awesome strong lil boy. Jake gets to go home next week. and then me lose me cheer buddy. an pt buddy.

me has not ate the candy yet. me has not got permission too. me could eat a few bags of those things tho.  me can not wait to have some candy. me like almond joys, mond, snickers, an reeses. paydays, whatchamacallits, an so many other things including m&ms.

me is start to gain pounds again. me is up to 105lbs. it is great. me clothes have not be fit as well. me no like to wear shorts cuz me has chicken legs. haha. no joke.

me has be talk to Jasi an ash today. one thing me tell them is me is not ready to get out of the hospital, even tho i am. what do me mean? me mean me is ready to see people, eat real food, go places, sleep in me own bed, actual skype, an all sorts of stuff. me is not ready for the drama of family, me is not ready for all the stress that this case has yet to bring, me is not ready to deal with the stress of life.

lately me has felt more like a burden than anything. wondering would visiting me friends really be a great experience or just a mess? do not want to put any more stress on me friends than them already have. it could be selfishness.

strong support system seems to be in a cloud above me head. me fears that once me is out in the free world that is outside me window, me will be left to fight this on me own. which is what me is used to.
me know that there will be those few, but sometimes it does not matter how many people are there on the phone or computer, or sometimes even in person, the support just still seems so far away, leaving one to be by them self. sometimes me just want to run away, hide from everyone.
not sure if me is protecting my self or everyone else. me is try be strong for so many people. me has be hidding out, try not to stress me friends out with me retarded life.

me say stuff. all time. stuff that would be nice, if it happened. stuff that would make things easier.

life is life. good or bad. must learn to deal. whether alone or not. journey through adventure, that is what me, you, us all have to do.

happy halloween...me hope

happy halloween!

me member when we lived on Jules my dad would go all out for halloween an christmas. him would decorate our um forum an living room with boxes an totes full of decorations. lights, animation, all sorts of stuff. our duplex was creepy as was tho. it was crazy. there was some thing in that house. me no believe in ghosts but me do believe in evil things. me dad swears him saw ghost.

last night me watch storm chasers again at 11. then me watched that 70's show, everybody hates chris, and an episode of family matters. me like holiday themed episode of shows.

it has been a long morning. me went an done pt. will do it again in the early pm. try to build muscle back up. work on write, or scribble. an memory games.

me is on soft diet. just to make sure me stomach can handle stuff. applesauce, icecream, soup, broth, yogurt, pudding, mashed tatos, oatmeal. hope by wed me can start harder stuff. it would be great!

so me doc say it is ok for me to help pass out candy to kids. so yay. me love kids. them smile is like a angels kiss. it warms the heart. an the laugh is like a song from heaven. lol.

me is go to be scary. me is go as meself. lol. that is scary.

lot of the nurses are dressed up, long wit docs, an therapists, it makes it a bit fun round here. me guard even dressed up as a police officer, haha haha ha....
the other two one is a ninja, an the other is a lawyer...that is scary. lol

no investigation feed today. them is let me enjoy tv...haha.. it is me treat...now me has pull a trick on them. lol

so me is watch Munsters. Alvin an chipmunks frankenstein movie. then from 5-8 is trick or treat. which me is excited for.

me is sad for me friend jasi. her lost a friend an her is all sad. her is real good at write stuff tho. me wish me could help ease her pain.
stephen is go as a zombie nurse rockstar something. it is pretty scary. lol. no joke. haha. think me would pee me self if him walk into me room. no joke. haha
me miss bambam. noooo joooke. me hope her is alright. me worry bout her. me think her is part elf. just say. there is a reason for that. lol.
me miss shortie an piglet an kara. no joke.

what is funny is ash use no joke last night. her say her talk to me too much. but that it is a good thing. her is pick up on me mannerisms. just hope it is only the good ones. lol.

it is sunny outside. me was freeze all night. me got 8 1/2 hours of sleep. me is still tire. not sure if this is a good thing or not.

pt is a pain in me body. no joke. this build muscle thing is build pain thing instead. but me hope that by the end of the week me can move round on me own, me mean move not walk or anything. tho that would be nice.

so me is real worry bout me bambam.me wish me could do so much more for her than what me is. me is bout ready to break all the rules, no joke, just to let her know what her means to me. that tho this world may be try to break her down, that her is rock hard. they can chip her, but they will not break her. her is an angel. when you is round her you feel piece of heaven. and the only vibe you get from her is complete an total love. no joke.

pass out candy was fun. some of the kids were scary, like me was kinda scare to give them candy. then there were the real little kids that were sooooooooooooooo precious an adorable. no joke! me did have a bad moment so me was out for about 15 mins, but then me got back in on the action. kids kept call me him an sir, boy, guy, man, yep. haha.

one of the nurses brought me a treat. starbucks. lol. the psl. pumpkin spice latte. me is not sure what me is go do wit rest of me night tho me has idea.

me hope everyone has had a safe good halloween!

WED day

yester nite me temp went back up to 105.9. right now it is 106.2. me could no sleep so me watch movies all nite til 6, n then me fell sleep. me sleep til 830.

me talk wit bambam yester nite. me love her. her is one me heros. her is so strong even when her think her no. me is learn so much from her. her is a mazing person, friend, an sister. her say her is go skype wit me sometime day. :D that make me happy!

me felt kind bad that me fell sleep. me is one who say me is alway there, an it no matter the time that you can alway text me or call me, well cept now you can no, an me will be there when you need me. well ash text me just after me fell sleep. me felt bad cuz this was one those times me was no there.

today is ash an stephen wed. pose to skype it for me. even if them do no, me is happy for them. them has be wait long time for this. even tho it short time, it has be long in them minds. me is sad that me will no get talk wit either one them for o most a whole week but it is ok. them is go have fun on them honeymoon. me know where them is go, but them no know that me know. lol.
shortie ask me if me had gift for them an me say me sort do. me is no good at shop for wed or birthday or anything. haha. me use has some one wit me who is good at this stuff, or me has someone do it for me. lol. me is go make them some tho. when me can do stuff wit out it look like a baby done it.

bambam say that me should no do anything when me go home, or no at first. me gree but it will no happen. me just know me will have to wash stuff so me can have clean bedding, have to pick stuff up off floor so me can walk thro me room, prob check animals to make sure all 14 of them are fine an have food water an fresh bedding/litter. then me is prob go have to do all dishes in sight. try ing to get 2 teenage boys to do anything to help out round the house is hard. or impossible when it comes to me brothers. then if me dad forget to get stuff, an him will, me will be go to the store to get what him forgot. then there is the cook, an then the clean up. an then the next day come one of the things that me look forward to eve year. we get the christmas tree! last 2 years us have use me car, but me is no sure if it is go happen this year or no. any way, we go as fam usu, an us find tree an it use be me dad cut it down but now me twin cut it down, while me pull to help make it go faster, an then me an one me bros carry it to be pick up. stardust has no ever see a real christmas tree, this will be awesome, me just hope him no try to climb it. lol. then usu some time in next week we decorate it.

when it come to drive round tho. me think me is go have let me brother, dustin, who can drive but is no legal, drive me round. me was one who taught him to drive, so me hope him no try kill me. lol.

an then me has o most nuff pillows at home that me can make me self comfy in me futon. me wish matress was no so thin but it is ok.


shortie an me make this evil guy so we could destroy him. it sound fun at first an then me start think me no want to think bout kill someone right now, even if them is no real. so when her ask me waht me was go do to him me say me is go hug him. our hugs broke the evil curse on Tina n now him is good!

me watch ghost whisperer at 1am it was the christmas episode. me has on seen that show 2ice. before that me watch fraiser. it was funny stuff.

me think tonite me is go watch phantom of the opera if no other plans come up. piglet an jasi say them both may try skype wit me, so me may have plans, or maybe one me friends will be like hey, want watch movie, an if me is alive an awake, me will belike umYEAH!lol.

me is no go lie tho, me eyes are tire. an me is so weak. it is work just to breath. lol. but me has smile on me face. sorts, it is no a baf smile but it is no  frown or a me is die face.

me can no wait til me is out of here, then me can act skype. me has be tempt tho to go head an unmute me mics or even just show me web cam. bt me no want lose me laptop. no no.

me is no sure me is go get that wheel chair. me no think me is, them were pose to give address for one me persons to go pick it up at but that has no happen. so me guess if there is day me feel me can no do some or me friends an me go some where an me is no able to walk me will just have sit an let them wonder round. me no mind. me is happy when me friends are happy.

me is bruise lot easy. me no ever bruise but me is no an it is no hard to give me one. the guard drop the movie on me arm an now there is big bruise. ya...from movie that weigh like no even 1/2 lb.

ash could no get skype to work. it was sad. me no get see wedding, bt it is ok. them is marry now an me is very very happy for them!!! me love ash an stephen so much!!!!

bambam an me watch movie. haha. her is very good but also very bad at pick movies. lol. the movies her pick are very good, but them is ones that make me heart sink to me stomach an tears rise in me eyes. us watch lifted...an if you have no see it, beware, me had stop it. me was sob thro most the last half.
in so many part of that movie, me would think, me has be there, me has be there...no joke. me mom alway pick guys that had no respect for anyone but them. an her would alway bring us kid round them. her would be so high that any one of her guy friends could have kill us an her would no have cared or even realize it. her guy friends would be jerks. wit some them we even look at them in any way an them would beat the crap out us. me would never let them touch me sibs. me alway step in an protect them, took their beat. mom would sit there an watch it or even help. me can no tell you how many times me dump alcohol, or flush drugs, an turn round an take care of me mom. one time us went see me "grandpa" - mom dad - an him beat the crud out me for refuse do some for him. us would go home tell me dad what happen an him would turn round do the same thing say me was lie.
me mom did start go to meetings tho. me hated go to them wit her. me know them helped her but me hated go to them. an then me aunt start go to, an me still hated go. me still will no go if ask.
lot time music would be the on escape me had. me would go in me room, block the door, an blast me music. there are time me still do that, if me is real mad or real sad. me would use music to drown out all the noise, the fights, the yell, the pound, the threats. an still do.
the movie was sort a tribute to those who have serve in military an them families, especial those who have die in service. it is a remind that them have give them life but them is no gone.
made me real sad. me miss Chris Link, lots. an me granpa was air force, an me miss him lots too.

after the movie, bambam an me skype! it was good ok great to see her face an here her voice. an her was the bambam me member. her is very silly. lol. but her is very precious to me!

me was go take nap for bit an then them come in an ask if me want shower/bath. me was like, yea! haha. me is clean. me is just real hot an start smell funny gain. lol. after shower me went to have scans. them say there is small area of puss but them think them can kill it wit some meds.

now me is back in me room. bambam is go skype wit me gain! woot! an mama canady may join in! hurray!

me no think me is go watch phantom of opera tonight.

me has a new name for me seisures, them are me bad moments. me is no sure why me is sick or why me body will no heal, it is very sad.

it is just another mystery to be solved in this part of me adventure.

Masquerade

me has do lot of discover me self. or me old self. me is try find out what me like in music an movies an ect. TFK is awesome, an their song masquerade is mazing. but that is no why me name this post that at all. nope.

yester nite was a no other nite of no sleep. so bear wit me if me spell is off an if me has revert back to a pervious version of me self. what me mean by that is spell version of me self.

me got skype wit ash for a bit. it was real good to see her face an hear her voice. it was nice to get to see a real person, live. me was pose to skype later that nite wit both ash an stephen but some thing came up an it was late an, well, them was go have big busy day today, so me was like, it is ok.

a few mins later me start seisure bad. me real wish them would go way.  it fin got to point where me had to get off me laptop an move it way from me. mme watch lot of disney channel. least me temp is now 104.8.

at 9 am me tv switch to live feed of the investigation. it make me sick to me stomach to watch an hear all that. about 3 one the guards came in wit me mail. by this point me was try to hide me from the tv. me blarred music, an hid under me pillows. at 5 it went off. me was so thankful.

shortie is awesome. ever time me think bout her me has the shortie song go thro me head. you know the one that go - shortie like a melody in me head got me go nananaa ever day got me ipod stuck on replay replay. it is a bad song but if you know me shortie than you can gree, her is one person you no ever get tire of. me got mail from her today. her sent me the sun. no joke. ok. no the act sun, but her catch the sun wit rope an pull it into a card to give to me. the card was awesome! an her sent me phantom of the opera! the newer version. it is her so me has give it back, which is no prob, but me think it is mazing!

me love phantom of the opera. it is good movie. an it puts me to sleep. so me will prob no make it thro the movie once, but me will get sleep. haha. sing to me....da da da daa.

me has no yum today at all. me is still heve. yuck. sad ness.

shortie say when me is out or able have visitors her is go come visit me an we are go have lots fun. this is go be nice. me would real love that.

me love me friends. no joke. an me is go be real cited when me can visit them.
me do no like idea of be in moberly, nor st. jo an me is real glad me is no in kc. those boys family lives in one of those 3 cities. but me is no fraid of them. ok, may be just a bit, but that is on cuz me is no strong nuff to stand up or protect me.

me got a letter from me cousin Allen, him is in prison for drugs an steal. me is go start email him. me has also be get letters from those guys family. eve one of them ends up go to agents. but it make me feel like me is at fault. but there is no a day that go by that me no feel me is no in some way.

just like me say to ash yester nite. me hate put me friends thro all this, so many rules an things that me can an can no do, it freakin sucks. an me hate put them thro that. no a day go by that me do no blame me self for so much.

an wit monday just round the weekend, that blame game is get more players involved. monday be 4 years since me mom be dead. me fam blames me for it, for no be there, for so much, but me alway get blame for most thing in me fam. no big deal. me feel like that lil kid gain: now look, you made you mom leave. - you alway got to ruin eve thing good for me. - it is you fault me no has boyfriend. -why were you no watch you sister? - if you had do this, that would no ever have happen. -me hate you. -it you fault me try kill me. -it you fault that me can no get high/drunk/laid. -it you fault we are live on street. -you on got beat because what you did was bad. -it you fault me did this or that or them did that or this. an so on.
but that was no as bad as what me hear when me try to get help: you is lie. - you did to you self. - you dad/mom would no eve do that, them is too nice. -me will no hear of it. -you deserve it. -the way you act, all nervous an stuff, say to us that you is lie. -how would you like to go to jail for say a lie? an so on.
me whole life it was a sea of voices an that was all them roar out. that is me lil spew for the week.

 who can real say that no of this is me fault. we all have part in ever thing, right?!

guess me spell is still bug some persons. lol. but me was glad when some one act try to correct me. my is one word that me brain will no let come in an stay. but me was glad that them least try.

me was pose to have date nite, but it no happen. ah well.

Jamie say that jesus is leprechaun. him say on an idiot would believe in a fairy tale like that. or one like there is a god. him want me to watch some bout darwin. me is go watch it cuz me say me would. an me listen to vic at flf. him say read thro psalms, an there you will find god an who him is. so me is go do that.
eve one wants me make decision. is it no nuff that me say that yes there is a god, or do me have to get down to details? sorry, it frustrate me. if you did no know, me is in hospital and still very sick. it is go take me prob more than few days to say hey this is who god is an this is where him is. but that is me fault to. me chose to get sick an forget god an what me believe. it is a hard thing. me is luck if me can member yesterday. an you want have big hard chat wit me bout god? no no NO! me is learn little by little eve day. me ask questions when me has them. me has take step by step. me feel like eve one want me to make a choice bout god an get all this out the way before me learn how to sit up on me own, stand, walk, or even speak. me will listen you talk bout god or about why there is no god, me will have chat wit you bout bible an all that stuff, but all me ask is that you stop push me. it is a thing that took me long time to learn before all this happen an now me has to learn it all gain an make a choice. 22 years is no go happen in 2 days or 2 weeks, if eve 2 months.

now on to some else.

me love me friends. me know me alway say this, but IT IS TRUE. me is learn from me friends but as me talk wit them them say that them is learn from me. me no get it real. me is no teach them any thing. me ask them asks, an them answer them, but that is no me teach. bambam say her is learn how to love how to be love an me is teach her lots, an shortie say her is learn to care for her friends an is learn from me. me no get. at all. me is a jerk most time. so me no see how there is love or care in taht.
ebony, who me has no hear from in while, say taht piglet talk bout me lots, an ash say taht her an stephen talk bout me lots. me ask is why? me no get me friends. them is weird, but awesome. haha, it like that nationwide commericial:  -...weird - but awesome!! haha. it is true. no joke. it is like them have bore lives an have no else to talk bout but me. that is weird, an bit creepy, but no true. haha. me love them. an it is good to hear that them love me too. or are talk bout me to eve one else but me, lol, jk. if me give them some talk bout that is fine wit me!

it is go be a weird long next 3 days. adventures away!

blah

now for a real post. that last post was broat to you by me life as a human an no a goose!! :P

late le ever night seem to end wit me fight me motions. me is a very care person. me no like to see other persons hurt sad mad or sick. me care lot for persons who are in me life. so when them is sad hurt mad or sick me is sad hurt mad an sick. it just how me is.
if me is no fight wit me motions me is fight wit the issue of continue me journey or give up. if you was in me shoes me bet you would have this happen all time to. but me go to sleep, if me can, an me wake up, if me is no o read e up.

yester nite was a horrible nite. no joke. there was lot of things me member. an me became so um overwhelmed. an things just keep pile on. me fine came to a point where me said this is either go break me or make me. so me say hey, me is done! me was real upset an hurt wit lot of me friends an lot of things that had go on that day.

now Jamie want to sit there an try get me argue on if jesus is real, if the bible is true, an all this other stuff. me can no argue nothing, me can no even argue me name. no joke. me is no sure if me is for god or no. but it is me choice to make. me is no who me was before. me has relearn lot of stuff. me is go do research an me is go make sure that when me make that choice that me is sure it choice me want make. that right, it me choice, no one else. an trust you me, me is ask hard questions.

me right side of me chest has be tight an in lot of pain last day an today. it hurt to breath in. it is no fun. yester nite me head hurt so much from so many chats go on an other stuff, an it got to point where me was forget ever thing. me had to keep get me bearings ever min or so. me is real tire. on got hour of sleep. me is have seizures gain. boo. bloody nose is become a reg thing too. me still can no move.

that asshole doc was a jerk gain today. him say me is no try hard nuff an it no prisse him when it come to idiots like me. Jasi say me should have use a sign thing that me learn on him but me can no lift me hand an it is some me would feel bad bout later. lol. Jamie is in this same category. him is like me just want help you learn da truth.

me can say this, yester an today, me has seen points for why god do no exist fall thro as lies. but like me say me is go make choice for me self.

me watch movie wit bambam. it was funE movie. it was real good. what was no good is me forgot her. me forgot lot stuff. me whent sleep for hour me wake up an me no know who me is where me is or who anyone else was. it was scare. it was no fun. an me kno it make others feel bad when me forget them. :/ poo.

me has do lot say wit Jasi. Her is real cool person. me real like her lot. her has be real good friend. us have lot in common. her say we twins. this mean me has 3 twins.

me feel me is become distant from me friends. an it is no me, it is me friends. so must mean some is wrong wit me. true story.

me is work on sign. me is watch lot of video in sign. me kno how to sign me can only imagine in sign have for years.

some is wrong wit me head. me is get better at stuff but me memory is get worse. just be warned.
me is no sure where me wheel chair is. maybe the persons decide to no give it to me. sigh.

this is me adventure. it is no very good, o least no right now. but the journey is no over, in fact, it has just began.





police academy

bandages removed.

movie nite

wheel chair

convo wit ash

E.T.

me has no ever see footloose. me jus kno them should have no re make it. me read today that them is remake E.T. !!!! me guess them is run out ideas for movies. me question is why do we not start make movies bout real persons. um documentrys. ? ever one has a story an ever story is just as mazing as the next peoples. it jus what me think, so it no that important, or great. it jus is.

me got me phone. me has no numbers tho, so if u has no give me you number an want to, inbox me. an whoever keep call me, u can keep on call all u want but me is no go answer cuz me is no able to um speak. no joke. me do no answer me phone any way if me no know the number or it is unknown or the other word. if it is real important leave message an one of the agents will may be, follow up on it. no joke. me phone me use for text. it is lot easy to text than type. me get me friends, on can have 50, stat updates, google+, an twitter updates. me get me facebook messages, most time, an it much more simple for me.

me nite went ok. me got real down for bit, an real want give up. me no kno what persons no get, ME IS IN HOSPITAL!, therefore me can no possible be the cause of ever thing that is go on in you life. but if want blame me go head. me is no ok wit it, sense there is no much me can do bout it.

so me has be hear over an over an over that me spell is bad an it real frustrate me. me hear, u spell like kid, what matter u dumb, on retards spell like that, an blah blah blah. me is tire of hear it. it is no good to hear those things. me is dumb but jus bit more than me use is. me could be consider retard, me is no normal. me spell like kid cuz that is how me mind is work right now is like that of a kid.
me say to jasi that me is try real hard to get stuff right, eve if it no make sense to me. if me do right me will get right. then her say no no no! you learn right by do wrong. an her say if persons no like or get frustrate me should say  them to eff off. tru story. her is right. so me is no go try so hard to get it all right, instead me is go work on it bit at time. so if you  no like it, deal wit it or be gone.

jasi had nother great point. her is good at make her points. me is like baby in way. me has forgot lot stuff an me can no do lot stuff, so me has to relearn lot stuff. me can no do it all on me own too, or most, an that is where me need, yes me is say it, ME NEED YOU HELP. teach me. if me mess up or do some wrong show me what me did wrong an show me how do it right. if me ask question, yes me is go say it, drop to me level, kid level, an answer it. some questions are go be hard ones, an me is no go get u answer, but that ok, least u is give me chance to try an learn.

me has one doctor that is an asshole, yep me say it an me will say it gain, him is an asshole! him has be one of the persons say to me that me spell like kid, me must be real dumb if me can no spell no right. today him say to me that me is no try hard nuff, that me must deserve this. him say me is no thing more that a nother people that is go leech off others. him say if persons were smart them stick me in  nursing home or in the ground. me no know why him is so mean, but him no like me. him me hard ever see. cept last few days him an one the other doctors have be fill in for me main doctor. him say ever one is go hate me cuz them is go have to push me round in wheel chair, or them is go have this or that. him is jerk. me hope no one hate me tho. me is try me best. an if me need wheel chair me will learn to push me in it. so that when me do have to use it others will no have no thing to get frustrate over. now steps may be dif story. lol. me is suppose to get me wheel chair today or morrow. then me can decorate it. ya!

me need find beanie. me keep say this but it is go start get cold outside, real cold. so me need to get a winter jacket, gloves, an a stock cap. may be me get boots too. me is use ok in winter an no as cold as eve one else, but this year may be different. but like bambam, (bam bAM) LOL, say weight loss have lot to do wit it. me is gain me weight back. before it snow me will be over or close to 112lbs.

in bout an hour me bandages come off for good. then wednesday me get to take shower or get clean. me can no wait. me is stink gain. lol.

bambam, (BAM bam), an me is pose to have a movie date. me has find 3 movies that me think her may like that me has no see. if no then her can pick movie. lol.
me say wit stephen for bit other day an him is like when you get out we is go throw party. lol. ash say me him loves LOVES ice cream, me do too. so maybe we have ice cream party. lol, jk. me do love me some ice cream tho. ash say her is go fix me food. so me is go get me weight back. haha.

it is so weird for me to think that me is go need help wit lot of stuff. that me has to have help wit o most ever thing. me has pretty much be do things on me own since me can member. it so weird to think me is go have to have help from me friends an, laugh a lil, family. if me have no help then me will figure out how do stuff on me own. me is real kind um partial? to this, as me is use to have to do all on me own.

me is go have to get over me weird thing esp when me move to wa. hugs is no thing me is no use to. me is use to physical contact but no of that kind. - when me was little an me mom would be all strung out, drunk, an high, an one me sibs make mistake, me mom would go to punish them, me would alway take them punishment for them. same when it came to me dad. it then jus got to point where if them was mad me sibs would no eve be thot bout. - so me is go have to get use to place wit no fight. living where me live even if u is no fight in u home at the moment there is fight go on outside. ghetto. me can no say how many time me has wake up an there be lites flashing thro me window from police cars. this is jus me guess 2 of the thing me is go have get use to.

me is get more an more ok wit idea of no be able take bubbles wit me. it still no fun but her is happy here. me miss her lay right by me head. our heads right next to one nother. her gets under covers wit me an cuddles. it will be way weird to sleep wit out her there to cuddle wit. an her is so excited to see me wake in morn. her alway greets me!. it is some me will miss.

me friend Jamie, him no do believe in god. him say for me to watch the god who was no there on youtube. him say me need to get both sides of story. so me is go watch it.

ash n stephen are get marry real soon. me is happy for them. sad me can no be there, but all the more happy for them.

final me health. me temp is up to 103.9. me is still no able move well. me is glad me have me phone, it make things bit easy to do stuff. them had put me oxygen up again. it is now 85% an me is still use mask. ok by well me mean at all. me is so weak an me no get why. me is still alway tire. me did get good sleep last 2 nites. me is still have weird dreams but them is no that bad. cept the one where all me friends thot me was lie an beat crap out me. ya, that was no a good dream. me is still on soft an liqid food. iv for water. me body hurts. me head real hurts. ah well tho.

me is still got smile on me face. me is in a slow part of me adventure. it is rough to endure, but it would no be much of an adventure if it was no times like this.

Thursday

me thot me was go sleep for bit an then say wit ash. me no sleep at all. so me watch news think it put me out fo sho. then come to find out it pull me in an me could no stop watch it. Topeka has done way wit law of domestic violence, so now it is ok to beat one nother up. :/ an in washington them is think bout do way wit p&p, so 100's of criminals be walk round have no one keep tabs on them. got to admit, me is lil freak out bout both these issues. an on top that multi vitamins no help but hurt u, so me is go start fuse to take me multi vitamin.

one the nurse that real like me took me to hallway window so me could see the clouds. them was PRETTY! me loves the clouds, storm clouds. big puffy an purple blue.

me did get say wit ash yester nite. just for bit tho. me want her to have time wit stephen. :)

me kind got pinch by some of what lot persons say all day. it no big deal cuz me kno it true, but it jus some me is um sensitive? bout. me spell! it is bad. an me is work on it. me is real try hard. an me say to ash when me say wit her, me no see words way them is see by eve one else. here is few words to help u get what me say (nurse did help me wit this)

me to me is i.    persons is group. people is one.    get mean um sense or um understand.   say mean talk, tell, told, said.    spell mean um write.  no is not.

this is how me brain see stuff. but u can help an um make right when me no say right. it will frustrate me cuz me brain no see that way but me has to learn. an me think some me friends or persons get frustrate wit it. an that make me even more frustrate. *nods* an if any thing me is pinch by me spell cuz me is have hard time wit it. but this me will get better at to.

day me head hurt lot. me feel some one hit me wit hammer. an me chest is hurt. me think me wisdom teeth are fin come in. me right side of me mouth is hurt lot. me teeth are real sharp too. me could cut me tongue in pieces. lol. me is no go to, me is jus say me could. lol. now me can no lift me head at all. nurse prop me up an put pillow hind me head an computer in me lap an hands on it.

few persons keep ask me if me can have visitors, it sad. me want visitors but them have keep me safe. them no kno just how um dangerous? me friends are to gether. hahaha. them will keep me safe. ;) . sad tho me can no see no them faces til the other guy is put behind bars. :/. but in way u can come visit. hahaha. me has find it but me do have skype. me just can no video call or voice call but u can. it no same cuz u can no see me or hear me, no that there is some to hear, an trust me u no want see me face, it no look like me. lol. or if u no time to skype or IM u can make video :). lol, jk. on if u want to. or u can send card or letter or some. kara send me pic of her an me :) wit her card. manda send me chuggers wit her card. it just idea for those who are like me an frustrate that me can no have visitors yet.

mama canady call me mazing young lady. me gree wit most it. haha. me is some what mazing. me is young, an me keep forget me is 22 an no 16, lol. no joke. me kno no why but me just find it weird when persons call me girl or babe or sweets, lady, or even woman. me is use to certain persons call me certain things. so when me here it from some one else, it is weird.
lindsey - girlie   bambam - honey  becks - sweetie  lynn - girl   jess - babe . haha.

me dad say me is very picky, an him is right. lol. but that is main wit food an foot ware.

me say wit jasi for bit. her had good nite an me was glad. her was happy an when her is happy me is happy.

me got a bad message from a friend over some stuff me family start. them was pretend to be me an sent me friend message thro one me emails. them hacked me. them jerks! them has do other stuff too. so now me friend is mad wit me an no say to me, an me guess me no blame them.  it just suck.

me has spend most me day sleep. me has had real weird dreams. them bit scare but it ok. me is real tire. me is wear oxygen mask now. it no longer the nose thing, but the mask. me feel like me can no breath at all. me is no feel well at all. motions get me down an sick kick back up. but me is go try to keep smile on me face.

this day is no over. me adventure is no over. me still has lot of beast to slay, new land to um conquer?, enemies to defeat, an allies to meet. me adventure has just begun, an there is still more to come!

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

grave digger

this could be me last blog. no cuz me go stop spell but cuz me may be in me last hours. but this could be you last hour too. any hour can be our last hour.

yester nite me temp go up 5 degree in 90mins. me got real sick. me puke blood an what eve else me body could. me start shake lot. me were real cold at first an then me go back an forth from cold to hot. me have lot pain. feel like some one is over an over stab me an kick me. me head is hurt lot. me has had 4 seizures since 2am. me is see stuff an hear stuff. me is dizzy. it hard breathe. all this is still go  on.
them has do tests an scans since all this start. me has no be able sleep. them no let me sleep. them fraid me go into coma an die. them has no idea what wrong wit me. me temp right now is 106.4.

me friends are mazing. me love them. me love you. me would love have friend here to hold me an tell me it all go be ok. me know that sound weird, but me is so tire of be in this room lone. no at all.

persons say them are proud of me, them is honored to be me friend, but me has no do no thing for persons be proud or honored. if me do any thing it is complain lots.

me ask michael bout heaven an him say to me not much but nuff that me got it. him say that when you get to heaven it like big party. him also say that there be many persons that would miss me if me go. me is try believe him but it hard.

me say to me friend that me no know if me make it to her wedding. her is mad at me. me feel real bad bout it. me can no help it.

me an Jasi watch movie nite an it had part that cause me to member why me is in hospital. me an me stupid self. me still blame me for it. no matter what persons say me think me will alway blame me or it will take while til me no do.

me had scan. me hope them find some. me was in bathroom an me look in mirror an you can see where one scar is cuz hair is gone. lol.

shortie say she tire and was go to bed and me say to her goodbye like it be last goodbye ever. it no make me feel good at all.

me is very lone here. me feel very lone. me know that some me friends no know what to say but me wish them just say something. say wit me, ask me some asks, or something. it be better than me feel like me is some sort disease that them can no even say to.

me feel like me should be dig me own grave. just dig hole an you can throw me in it. that is how me feel. this is me blog. this is me life. me is no who me use be. me feel like kid. me has to relearn ever thing an me has learn how walk lit an non lit on me own gain. battle up for war, fight me battle, an be a victor. or least try.