hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.

Flight

yesterday as a real hard day for me. i was sooo down. i have not been that down in a long time. many times i will post a status, an that is how i will feel in the moment. sure i struggle wit stuff every hour of every day. i get down a lot. it is hard not too. esp when a lot of things suck. but last night, yesterday, i was fighting wit the thot that i had lost everything an everyone. never, in my whole time be here, had i felt as alone as i had yesterday. ya there was a guard, nurses, doctors, therapists coming in an out, but i felt i had lost all my friends, family, all hope.

i slept really good last night. i put pandora on my the classic crime station, an woke up with it on. my phone was also really hot. reminder to never leave it under my pillow again.

i had pt at 9. decided to do both sessions at one time. breaked for lunch. today we worked on standing. i was get so frustrate because i could not stand. finally i worked it up to where i could stand for 10 seconds wit the help of me cane. idea is to build arm strength an leg strength, arms so that when my legs are weak i can stillhold myself up. leg strength, so i can walk. for the brain, memory games. i can play them on the computer too, but it is always good to have another person there to play wit. - me is go get a memory game, or find one, an a few other games we use, an well i will tell you in a bit. - we are work on hum too. hha, it is funny. i finished pt around 2. an boy am i pooped.

i decided that when i went to bed, that this down ness an alone ness was not go to keep me from kickn butt. last night was horrible. i was ready to go to sleep an never wake up again. no joke.

i woke up an my fever had broke, my temp 99.7.

i was look at my aol mail or try to an there was this thing on there, flights for 59$.  so i was like hey, easy way to go to visit bambam an mama canady in january/feb. i did all the stuff, $270 for round trip,  not bad but still alot. so, stephen talked about kickn the butt of stuff on our to do list. well....one thing is to go visit seattle. so maybe...haha, in my far away dreams, we could make that happen...road trip?! . lol. it would be nice to have a road trip, but i can also pay for  a ticket. just have to talk with the canady's about stuff, details. yo. haha.

stephen jones is amazing no joke! totally made my day! i had posted about the conrad murry verdict. stephen sent me a message an this is how it went.

stephen - is conrad murry one of the guys who attacked you?
me        - ahaha...no...its michael jacksons doctor.
stephen - oh! lol. that goes to show how often i watch the news.

it was great. too funny. i do not like judging people. i do not think it is our place to judge. it was crazy what the people react to the guilty verdict. some fainted, others cheered, it was weird. this leads me to my next thing.

the trial. it is good that the only thing i have to do is sign yes or no. they have a video testimony. an another person who has come forward an is testifying. i will say it will bring relief to heard the words, we find them guilty! there are fears, valid ones, like what happens if one of them is not found guilty...the trial is go to be a hard thing to go thro.

i am excited to visit the jones. to do things with them. looks like i will get to test both the new bed an couch. lol. but their couch looks pretty comfy.

i was able to help a friend today. or at least i hope i helped.

the conversation of faith an god came up, an it really frustrates me that i cannot answer their questions or stuff like that. do i have faith?  if faith is hope then yes. it is hard stuff. no joke.

to end. bambam was talk bout music playlist of hers. i have found a few songs that i really like. strong enough. alone by FF5, alone by RED, and a song by city harmonics. greyson chance has some cool songs too.

i am spend my night listen to the rain, an watch fairly odd parents.

apple

8 hours of sleep. me stayed up watch rest of ghost hunters live, sort of. then me watch roseanne. me love that show. me has see every episode of it. i love that show.

me had a dream bout sara mcguire, patty lincoln, an bambam. they were try to have me follow them, just so them could try get rid of me. it was weird.

it has be a weird day. for some reason me is on this love hutch. me has see it alot an people keep repeating it so me put it as me facebook status, faith hope an love...an the greatest is love. an then last night me was think bout something an this random thing popped in me head. love is everything, without it you are nothing. not sure what it means, but me gree wit it.

mama canady, who me guess does not like casper, lol, tell me not to worry bout bambam, easy said than done. no joke. an me would say me will try, but that is not the case. me will worry bout her an all me other friends too. me just loves them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. when they hurt i hurt, when they cry i cry, when they laugh i laugh, when they sleep...i watch them intently. (lets see who's friends wit me now, lol!!!!) - creep!
i would do anything for any of me friends. me would take a bullet, a car, a knife, a terminal sickness for them. no joke. do not sit there an be like, ya right!, try me....no joke.

so remember few posts ago when me talked bout the chi wa wa? me would name it captain pickles an teach it to say arrrrr....no joke!

me dad car is still be fixed. but...me car is act up, it is some wit the fuel system. boo.

me always forget to put some in me post an me always say me will do it the next one an then me forget again. lol

me has some pics. them say the ones wit me in them can not be posted because them is for the trial. what eve. so me will post me room pics some time soon.

pt. mama canady me is work very very VERY hard. me is always go have trouble wit stuff tho. but me is work hard so that me no have that much trouble. yes yes! haha. me can o most lift me arms over me head. an me can o most move me legs on me own. yes! i am still scribble scribble scribble tho. an no sound is come from me mouth, not even a hum. me ate an apple today an me kept it down. an me has be sleep good. just not on a good schedule. an me say this to ash but me is go say this on here because it is important for me, me has been make bm's on me own. yes. it is a bit gross but good.

me got to talk wit shortie an piglet today. it was good. last night me got to talk with Jasi! her was very proud of me spell an grammar.

glee is come on in a bit. but me hope everyone is have a good day, an know that you are loved lots.!!! <3

4 days

me is go do this tho me do not want too. i is in a not care ing boat. think more of it is me is tired, an mad, an a bit hurt.


monday me wake up an i was real sick. me mean, me fever was 107.2, an me will save you from rest. me go into coma later that day. i woke up yesterday morning just to find out that while me was out them had done another surgery. the coma had save my life an the surgery had help. it was small one.
me spent most day sleep ing yesterday. i is still tired so me has be nap lots. me has be stay off me laptop for most part.

me is real frustrate by my family. or more by what is go on wit them. persons will tell me not to worry, but them is me family.
there is on one car between me aunt, me dad, an i. an it would be me car. me dad's engine is have a serious problem. me car is die soon after started an the shock mount is come loose. so me car is go be on car between 3 persons for the whole winter. this sucks. means me can no go out town on me own, an once me get home me will be run round for everyone do every thing.
me sister is causing all sorts trouble for me whole family. an me brothers are not help. i keep tell me sibs that them has to stop this bs drama of thems. our dad is o most 60 an he can not take the stress that them cause. them do not care. them are assholes. i can say that because me know it to be true. just say.

me is hope me get more hours. which mean me will no be able to go out town much but me need the money to save up.

me is think me is set me self up for failure. hope too BIG. may be me granma is right. washington is probably another empty dream. me no want it to be but it seems like it. me has so many fears bout go there an about not. i can not help it.
i feel like that once me get out here that me will just end up back in here.
me wonder lot, what is me life on earth pose to be. so me has start that story and it is base round death.

me pray lot. to who ever god may be. an me tell this god that me is frustrate wit this whole mess of a life.

death is but the final destination of every single soul that enters this life. from the minute we are born we work toward death. think bout it.

let it all out

me is go be honest in this post. no that me is no alread honest. me jus has hold back on some thing. so me is go post this before me surgery. me surgery start at 10am me time an me should be done an out no late than 10pm, if thing go good it could be before that.

one me friends say me, eve one is hard on them self. me kno me is hard on me. me has lot to be hard on me bout. me do blame me for lot stuff. me should be like me bros an sis, on drugs get drink eve night, sleep round, steal lie an cheat. me should be more mess up than them. me chose no to tho. me has say to bambam there is lot me has no eve say to anyone. me use bury stuff an that last of it. that how me deal. an it no affect me. it jus when some big happen an me get emotion me get real emotion.
me blame me for be sick. them is alway say, u got think good thots so u can get better, them are no here, them are no me, yes them may have been in place like this or like me, but them is no go thro what me go thro. me know that harsh but it true an me think them gree. us no ever kno exact how people feel cuz us no ever them. me hard have good thing to think bout.

few thing bout me:
     - when me is feel bad me like to make others feel good
     - me no can stand when one me friends is no feel good, or is down, an me will do what eve me can to make them feel better an make them happy
     - me no hate no one, me no get angry, me hard eve get mad, an me is alway nice an love toward even the mean people
    - me would give clothes off me back, sell me car, give up all me stuff to help some one else out. me would do wit out um hesitation

sense me be honest me is go just say it. me guess all them bad things are ones that are loud er than them good things. me do feel like worthless piece junk. me feel no mat how hard me work or how good me is that it jus no do. me has be try to get better an it sound like for bit there me was o most all better. but me is now worse off. me hear bad stuff lot dur day, no so much on facebook now as other places. it me fault me is sick. it me fault me go die. it me fault that no one in world give fly flip bout me. me is junk, me is trash, me is worthless, me is dumb, me is freak, me is retard, me is....(   ). so much more. or is it me is so much more than all that. rare do me feel like me is any thing.

me feel like me friends void me. me is no say bout  ones me kno is busy wit work. it ok tho, me has alway be voided. me is go clean out me friends but may be me jus delete me facebook, no replace me sim card, honest, who would miss me? no me. me say if u want be me friend be me friend, if no then unfriend me, it no that hard. me is tire of fake friends. me has start delete some persons alread.

me is sort hope me die on surgery table. me can no stand this be lone. an me friends say all u have do is reach out, me has an all it got me is no thing. me say all time, me welcome the company. me is lone. u know me has no one here, cuz me can no cuz me is a dumb idiot, so that should say, hey, her is lone, me should drop her message or text an start chat wit her. me is tire be the one to reach out. use if it no me say no thing then no thing is say an people me bet no even kno me exist. me do no want spend nother day here lone. u can keep say u wit me in thot but it no help, it real no do. an me must be bad person or say some that is mean an jerk, eve day it seem persons say wit me lil bit less than before. gain, me is no worth it.

so please say me why me should fight? why should me fight to live? spend nother month or 2 in a room that all white no window an no see persons hard at all?

this can all be sick an fever an no sleep, but me is sure this how me feel. an if u no like me blog u no have read it.

me real jus want to be out here, wit friends, or do some eve if it sleep wit me dog an cat. sigh, but me is no an me has to deal.

there is no easy part to any this. no single thing is easy. but me guess it time for me be super man gain an do all this wit smile on me face an do it lone. put that zipper back where it belong an relearn that some thing just are no mean to be seen or hear.

me found this poem an it seem it was spell bout me. me is go share.

Fighting Alone - Anonymous
 
As long as you don't say anything
everything seems fine
& no one will know
what's really on your mind
& as time goes by
you realize you just can't win
cause the heart breaking pain
will forever remain within
while everyone is rising
back on their feet
your left on the ground
broken by defeat
& once you think you've done all you can
everything in your life falls apart
you try to catch the falling pieces
in your pain stricken hands
but the task is impossible to do
because their too small
like the grains of sand.

think

me last post was very short an no full much.

last thing me want is be left lone. me is tire of be lone. me no want do nothing. me no want look out window me no want try walk, me no want read story, me no care to do any that. me no even care to get better.
me no like feel this way at all.

me on got 3 hour sleep. me try nap. eve time me close eyes me see no thing but bad. me is real tire tho.

this post call thinks cuz it full of thing me think bout.

walk. me is like that me can walk some. me has work real hard at walk. it just hard to get use to cane. me like me cane but it just hard walk wit. me no know bout run any time soon but me hope me get take walk in park. me would like take bubbles for walk, but me prob need friend to help. me would like just take walk wit friends.

outside. me do like be outside. me like walk barefoot. me like  have window open in me room an sleep like that. me like sit outside wit dogs an take in nice day. me like take blanket an lay on it in yard wit dogs or friends. me also love listen rain an thunder. me love snow fall.

moms. me love parents. me love meet other persons parents. me think parents are cool. me love to learn from them. me love to see how dads do thing, and learn from them. me mom has be gone for 4 years this month. 25 at 948pm. me member it, it was thursday. me miss me mom. last thing us did was fight an last thing her say me was out anger, me hate you, that what her say. me has no real eve have real mom. me mom was in drugs an alcohol an do stuff wit lots guys. her left when me was 6-7. us no see her for years. then her come round an us no like visit wit her. her would alway pic guy over us. me alway say me is no go be like no either me parents. no no. me love moms. me is very happy to meet momma canady.

work. me has job. it good. easy. an me make sort good money. me is hope by time me move me no need to have cane so much an me will be able speak lot more than not. me think me would like security job for now. me no care if me has work nite shift. ok me do some but it be nice to work nite shift few time week. me think. me know there airport an there is bowin factory. so me is go look into stuff.

strings. me is no like leave me granma. her no know no thing bout what be go on. her just think me is real busy or out town. me dad say that when me move he say to her that me is go off to college. me feel me is go move an then me is no eve go see her gain. an me no like that feel at all. me has decide that me is go spend me first year in wa that mean holidays too. it no go be easy but me will do. then the next year me will go be wit me fam. me animals. me no like leave bubbles here but me is get to be ok wit it. me think me dad an me both have web cam an us have phone so me can say hi eve once in while. me is go miss have stardust lay on me purr purr purr eve nite but him be ok. me car. me has no decide if me is go take me car up there or buy nother car that will make it up there. me think me is go leave lot me no so portant stuff here, til me has place for it.

god. me say to me friend me no know if god is me god. lot of me friends say me trust god, god will take care ever thing, pray to god an say him. me feel like it way for them to blow me off. them no get that me real no know god. me may have but me no do now. them think if them say them things then it make me feel better an it no do. me do pray all time but it no seem help. may be god no like me, may be him loss hope for me. me has read me facebook an twitter an other stuff an me use to believe in god but fact be me no do now. me is work on know god an me is no sure if me believe in him or no. if god be an easy pass an a way for friends say ok me help you now you all better than me is no sure bout god.

sleep. me no has sleep well. yester nite me had dream where me mom was go kill her an me was try stop her. me ran to hospital roof an was hear voicemail her left on me phone. her was say sorry there no thing you can do me love you. an as me jump to save her her jump to end her. it was very sad. me has had bad dream most me life it seem.

home. me is hope go get go home wed. me know me fam has be jerks, them alway are. me just wish them would be um supportive for once. me know this no happen but it be nice if it do, this is how big an dumb some me hopes are. me would like to get home an them be banner say welcome home an flowers an balloons and it be like nice lil party. but me on dream. so me think when me get home me is just go go see movie after me is home for hour or to.

me know me blog yester was short an me seem like jerk, so me spell this an me still sound like jerk bit but me no care. it me job title - jerk, an sound like a jerk is under job duties. so deal wit it. :P

surprise

the pain that me feel got lot worse. me temp went up an me feel like someone was tear me part from inside.

me spend nite watch sun go down. it was real pretty. me real real like it. me like watch leaves turn color. me like make them go crunch. them talk bout cold move in by november. which mean more pain for me but me can bare it. me loves first snow fall. me loves to watch snow fall.  it get nice an peace outside an quiet. Christmas music start too. me fav song is lil drummer boy.
me watch wizards of waverly place and dragonball z and cops. me also watch some more big bad bettleborgs.

yester was a real good day. me think me do real real good. me has be try keep me head think good stuff all time. me want get better. me future just keep look better. me keep get better. me is have hard time get use to cane tho. it no long stick like that monitor thing or thing that hold iv bag. me is work on balance stuff.

me do lot think bout future. me is very happy to move way from home. it just be weird cuz me is no use to no thing but this type life. me has sleep in street, parks, um bandon cars an build, bus stops, bathrooms in winter, even trash can dumpster cuz me want to get way from home or me got kick out me home. me home an life alway fill wit fight yell mean stuff an word. me family is so mess up. me dad is dopted from germany. me no know me blood fam outside me dad sibs mom an her sis. me love me dad's dopted family. me real love me granma.
me grow up in home where all time us move. windows nail shut. all doors either gone or lock all time. bathroom door was lock all time an so was kitchen door. us were no lowed in kitchen ever an us had ask to use bathroom. front an back door had pad locks both on inside an out. us had no way use phone an dad had broke tv to where us could no change channel or volume or turn on or off.
us would go to school an us wold look like us were live in the ally. us were alway make fun of. them call me werewolf in elementry an middle school. it name that stuck too.
but that is me past. me future is look good. me no think me is go get to be what me dream of be but there is no thing stop me from try an if me on end up be some close to me dream then that good nuff for me. me is happy for me future. me get see ocean an mountains an seals. haha. no that no all. me is go get job an work hard at it. me is also go help out lots. me love help out.
it just go be weird live in house where there no yell no fight. it just go be weird to be in place that is peace.
one day me hope go africa. me would love go there an help them build home and to plant crops.
me think me future is go be great!
there are few things me no like bout it. me no like leave me granma but me think some me other family need step up an be there for her. me no like leave bubbles behind. me ask me dad if him think bubbles be fine wit me gone an him say yes. this is her home. her loves me dad, her an elvis best friends. stardust will miss me cuz me is him mom but him an the dogs are best friends an him real like me brother alan, which us all think is weird cuz no animal ever that us has had has no like him. gumby be just fine her like it here. her like me dad lots. me no like no be here for holidays. in 2003 me granpa got real sick round christmas time an us were in foster care an could no go see him. us got out first week of jan an went go see him. that was me last time see him live. him die a week later. so me is no big into no spend holiday no around me family. me know no why, holidays or birthdays or any day real is a good day. it just go be hard to spend holiday wit out me family. but me has to get use to this. me is read for new things.
any way. me no mean bore you wit all that. it just what be on me mind.

me get surprise day an me get go OUTSIDE! me is so happy see what it be. me is play memory wit therapist an me is get lot better at this game. me get new match ever day. them no make me do no thing but memory game. o an them want me work on spell word gain. them think me surprise will make me speak. me no know tho. them think me in way is choose no to speak an them know it most me can no physical speak. them think to that me surprise will help me walk bit better an real help me get better. me just no know what it be.

me is get better at make to window or take steps. me is get there bit faster. me still has get use to cane. it real weird try walk wit it. me no has strong leg them both same. one me hard thing do is get up out chair. soon me no have much trouble walk it just be balance. but me is go get that too.

me has no plan for weekend. me think me just pretty much spend lone. all me friends busy. so me watch movies an shows lone. me ask them bring me book from me home. me has sign book. so me can work on learn that.

me got go outside. me got me surprise. BUBBLES an STARDUST. it was real real real good to see them. me start cry. me was REAL REAL happy. me saw bubbles come toward me an me shouted her name, her start run her o most knock me over. it was the first word me has said. them were very happy me say word. me see stardust too. him was real glad see me an bubbles act like me had be gone forever. her was very VERY happy see me. her was jump all over. stardust got in me lap an start purr purr purr purr an him was sleep. bubbles got in me chair on wheels too. her an stardust stay on me lap an take nap. me want take nap too so me lay me head on bubbles. us play fetch an stardust watch from me lap. then us went for walk. me no could walk far so me sat in chair on wheels and them sort push me. bubbles pull me most time. when it was time for them go bubbles came an sat on me lap an no move. them try to grab her harness an her growl. her no want leave me. no no. me had get up an put her in car. her cry a n me cry. but no be long an me get be wit her for few days.

me eat. after me eat them give me me hat. it no look bad on me. me like lots. just got wait til monday for bandages come off. then if them say ok me can wear it. it blue brown an black.

me has be talk to manda, her is now shortie on me IM. me has miss her. her help me know what church, minister, preaches, an spiritual needs is. her is very good at that. her is move to mo an me is go get see her in few week. me is go stay wit piglet an then me is go may be stay wit roscoe an shortie. lol. me hope her like that name. me like nick names. help me keep persons right in me head. me is happy to go to moberly. me is happy me friends are get marry. me is very happy for them.
them are very good persons. them is go be happy together forever.

me read bible story. me no know if me should ask me asks on here, them no alway get answer. but me is go to. me on read one story. here me asks. me read a basket boat -
    - why did new king no like josephs family?
    - why did new king no want family to have baby boys?
    - how did her get basket to stay float wit baby in it?
    - why did the princess want or need some one to take care of baby for her? if her want it be her own then her should take care of baby.


those are me asks. me has figure out what do for nite. may be me watch movie. me no sure what me do. me know you find out morrow what me do, lol.

me is read go out of here. me is tire of same thing eve day. just few more day me hope.

me hope you has good nite. me love

short stuff

me has a dream yester nite but me no member much of it. me just know me has had the dream before.

me wake up an me sleep good. me had ice cream yester  nite me watch roseanne. an me also talk wit bambam for bit. me like talk to her. her is smart. her try talk where me can get it. it no alway work but most time me get.

day is day them make scars small. me has got use to them an go miss them big. but if me let them try new kind of surgery then them is go pay for most me bills. them also try new thing to fill in dent in me head instead use metal. me no know if me pose talk bout it but me is just  no say no thing. lol.
me is kind scare. me has no feel good since yester nite. me temp has no go up so that good. me just hope them no make mistake. that no be good. me is do good at try walk an me no want wake up an find me no can walk. no no.

me think me no good person. them say you reap what you sow. an me think me get nuff to know that bad persons have bad stuff happen them and good persons have good stuff happen them. it no pose be other way round. me phone broke, me computer has some wrong wit it, me hear me car fall part, me is sick an in hospital, me brain is sick. me just no know.

me had therapy. no do much. it was normal time. short um session.

me has go so um pray for me.

out. tire. nap.

me no can sleep well. me head hurt lot. me mouth hurt too. me is still real tire. me has spell blog or some might get mad.

me go watch big bad beetleborgs and read story. bambam say no to give up an to put me asks in me blog. guess this way me no bother me friends wit dumb asks an more persons can have chance answer.

me read story of the dreamer. here me asks.
     parents are pose to love them children all same so why did Jacob love Joseph more than the others?
     why did him brothers want get rid of him? that no very nice.
     how do god watch over we?

me is to tire read nother story. me is yum so me try eat.

me ask that if you pray for me that you pray for me lip, it real real real hurt an you pray that me head no hurt so much. me say thank.

me go eat. be on facebook. watch beetleborgs. an sleep. me sorry blog so short. but some time it better be short than do to much. me love.

Week 4 Day 1

me sleep sort bad. me lip an teeth an head hurt all nite. keep move in bed try to get comfy. them give me few more pillow an them help sleep bit betterer.

from me bed all me can see when look out window is brick. me know sun out there but me no see no else. me go make to window this week me just know. me keep think what out there, is pretty, will me like. if pretty me just want stare out window. me hope me can stand long nuff to stare. me friend julia post link on me wall. it was good video. me love watch seal swim round an then make sound. it was funny. me real like it!

me got say wit me big sis becks for bit. me love her lots. her cool person. her love butterflies. me find butterfly cane that them butterflies glow on, but it too much for me think bout. her alway talk that butterfly are god's promises an blessings. me no sure what her mean but when me see butterfly me think her.

me have pt today. it go good me took 7 steps. no as much as yester but it still good, me think. me got one match at memory. me still no hum tho. sad. me say them bout video bambam make an cards me got and chuggers, an how me say me friends on facebook an text an how me real like it. them talk that it real good and that it seem to be help me get better. them ask me if me think me friends will make more video or send more card or animal, me talk me no know but if no it ok cuz me love them an them say wit me an that good nuff for me. doc no like computer thing at first but now him talk it help me an it good for me. now him like.

me have 6 scars on me head. them ugly. 3 on top, 2 on side an 1 in back. me hair is grow fast. doc say in month two me have look hard see them. :)

me has had time where me wake up an no can move legs, or me forgot stuff that just happen. doc talk this will happen for long time. some days me no walk good or no speak, some days me memory be real bad some days real good. him talk me take cane wit me just be safe. like bambam talk better safe than sorry.

it be long day. it was long weekend. me real loved movie nite wit bambam on friday night. me want to make her feel better an have better day but in end me no think it help. her pick movie, us no think us finish it cuz it were sad but then it have happy end. it good movie. the mom's eyes minded me of bambams.  me no know how me know what her eye color is but me was shock me was right.

me found me have music on me computer. it all good. there music from glee on too. one song me love love love is 3 lil words by press play. raise you voice an talk me love you. lol.

today me no too happy wit self. me no do as good as yester. me try me best. it no make feel good tho. me want to go um forward no back. kind bum bout it.

 me feel bad too. me family lie to me granma bout me. but it for her good. her very old and Chris just die few week before all this happen. me love me granma. yes!

  them took pic of me head an me see it. me no have bald spot at all. me hair is grow normal. me have so many scar on head face arm hand leg. it lot. me no have um tatoo or  um pearcing. no even ears. lol. now me have scar on me lip too. boo. hahaha.

  me dad talk me today. him talk me sister in trouble wit cops, sort no surprise. him is sick. boo. him also mind me of the 25th next month be 4 years. this sad.

me is bother by fact that me no member god stuff or college or stuff like that, but me member dates, an other non special stuff. it frustrate me. me no get mad, me no get angry, me alway forgive or me think that when you take some one sorry. me no hate no one. me no drink smoke or do drug. me think you should alway smile even if no feel like it, cuz it might save some one life. me think you need alway help even if think you no can. me think this stuff but me no know why me think this thing. what bother me most is me will member stuff in sleep but it be gone when me wake up. may be it best if there some thing me no member.

me read to story today. one bout um abraham an lot an how them no share so them move from one nother. the other story was when sarah an abraham was say them go have baby an sarah go haha in no believe. me on had to asks. :)

me had miss breakfast an lunch and for dinner me had biscutes and stew. yum yum. me want ice cream but me no feel me should have some since today me fail. sad.

me phone look like have be replace. sad. me no have money for new one. boo. an all me pics an all me friends in me phone. :( . sigh.

since me phone broke me has feel lone. me have computer yes but me friends no have it wit them all time. me miss me friends.  a lot an lot, even more than lot, much. it no good for baf be lone, no no. baf no like.

me take 12 steps, 4 way from make window. so frustrate. me no can go outside til me reach goals in pt. me hope that soon cuz me start think me no ever go make outside or to window.  :(

me go watch tv, or work on get to window. or may be me just lay here an think bout things. may be me go to bed soon. me is tire.

me hope you day has be good an that you is good. me pray for you yester nite. me pray for world.

4 Weeks An Counting

me no spell good so you have deal wit it! :)


me be here 4 weeks. me know no what happen or why me here other than me brain got real sick. me got real sick too. me hope tho that me on be here one more week.


Yester day me got took real shower. me got unstink. me smell real bad before me shower. me was scare me head look all ugly an like crack up egg. but it no look bad. me look like peach with marks on it. doc talk them fix up scars so them no that noticable. this make me smile. me no want scare children or me when me pass mirror? or windows. lol. me do has some hair. it no long, but me like feel it, it all smooth an nice. me no suppose rub it but me think it feel weird, sort in bad way, when me head is touch an you no can real feel dents. me forgot what them talk them did but some new thing. at least it no metal. lol. think try get thro airport or courthouse, lol.


me have be work to look out window. me want to see what out there an me hope it pretty. me member bambam talk me once her want send flowers. me look round me room and flowers be pretty in here. me start off an me could on stand 30secs me still no able stand well or balance well. me use monitor iv thing hold on to and try walk. me got 2 step then 3 steps and now 8 STEPS!!! that LOT for me. me o most make to window. me can see top trees an then me had grab chair on wheels an sit. sigh, me make to window soon.

me phone mess up. it turn on an go service day screen and then restart gain. me no money get replace, so me hope phone company replace it or fix it. net10 sucks. yep. me on have phone 3 months.

me thought me were go lose job but me found out me get more hours. so me go work 15 hours week.

also me look at canes an cute hats. me found few me like. blue cane that folds, me no know if me like that it fold or not but it got cushion handle. an hat blue plad, an other white wit black strips. me no know how me go get them but me know if there will there way, or me think that what them talk.

me be learn bout god, bible, jesus, pray, christian, an all stuff. me like it. me friends are very mazing an help me learn. them have talk lot over an over but that how me get it. me have child bible and adult bible, me read story every day out child bible. me like them pics. me no get story bout babel tower. me read story an put asks down an give to friends an me learn lot bout story from them. me learn lot bout hell. me no want no one go hell. make me heart hurt an me eyes cry. so me do lot pray so may be no many go hell.

me went to get adult bible and me fell an cut me up lip open. it no fun. it big an hurt. me feel like fish. lol.

yester me got box from mail. it have card an stuff animal in it. me love both. me name dog chuggers. him small but him cute an soft. me have got two cards an that all. that fine, me no think me get anything. me read them every day. me also got video on facebook an me watch that few times day. them make me happy and feel better. :D

me watch storm chasers an now me watch qvc christmas show. lol. me love christmas. me decide me want lil drummer boy figure for present. me fav song, me no member why. me play drums, maybe that why. me go bed soon.

me feel better me temp is 99.4 an be that way for few day me think. me alway have pain. me head hurt lot. me no sleep good so me alway tire. them took me off most medicine to see how me react an so far me do good!

tomorrow me have pt. may be me say them take me outside some time?!

me need try sleep now, me cold, so me get warm. lol.