goodnight

during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.

last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.

if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.

i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.

today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.

me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.

there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.

Flight

yesterday as a real hard day for me. i was sooo down. i have not been that down in a long time. many times i will post a status, an that is how i will feel in the moment. sure i struggle wit stuff every hour of every day. i get down a lot. it is hard not too. esp when a lot of things suck. but last night, yesterday, i was fighting wit the thot that i had lost everything an everyone. never, in my whole time be here, had i felt as alone as i had yesterday. ya there was a guard, nurses, doctors, therapists coming in an out, but i felt i had lost all my friends, family, all hope.

i slept really good last night. i put pandora on my the classic crime station, an woke up with it on. my phone was also really hot. reminder to never leave it under my pillow again.

i had pt at 9. decided to do both sessions at one time. breaked for lunch. today we worked on standing. i was get so frustrate because i could not stand. finally i worked it up to where i could stand for 10 seconds wit the help of me cane. idea is to build arm strength an leg strength, arms so that when my legs are weak i can stillhold myself up. leg strength, so i can walk. for the brain, memory games. i can play them on the computer too, but it is always good to have another person there to play wit. - me is go get a memory game, or find one, an a few other games we use, an well i will tell you in a bit. - we are work on hum too. hha, it is funny. i finished pt around 2. an boy am i pooped.

i decided that when i went to bed, that this down ness an alone ness was not go to keep me from kickn butt. last night was horrible. i was ready to go to sleep an never wake up again. no joke.

i woke up an my fever had broke, my temp 99.7.

i was look at my aol mail or try to an there was this thing on there, flights for 59$.  so i was like hey, easy way to go to visit bambam an mama canady in january/feb. i did all the stuff, $270 for round trip,  not bad but still alot. so, stephen talked about kickn the butt of stuff on our to do list. well....one thing is to go visit seattle. so maybe...haha, in my far away dreams, we could make that happen...road trip?! . lol. it would be nice to have a road trip, but i can also pay for  a ticket. just have to talk with the canady's about stuff, details. yo. haha.

stephen jones is amazing no joke! totally made my day! i had posted about the conrad murry verdict. stephen sent me a message an this is how it went.

stephen - is conrad murry one of the guys who attacked you?
me        - ahaha...no...its michael jacksons doctor.
stephen - oh! lol. that goes to show how often i watch the news.

it was great. too funny. i do not like judging people. i do not think it is our place to judge. it was crazy what the people react to the guilty verdict. some fainted, others cheered, it was weird. this leads me to my next thing.

the trial. it is good that the only thing i have to do is sign yes or no. they have a video testimony. an another person who has come forward an is testifying. i will say it will bring relief to heard the words, we find them guilty! there are fears, valid ones, like what happens if one of them is not found guilty...the trial is go to be a hard thing to go thro.

i am excited to visit the jones. to do things with them. looks like i will get to test both the new bed an couch. lol. but their couch looks pretty comfy.

i was able to help a friend today. or at least i hope i helped.

the conversation of faith an god came up, an it really frustrates me that i cannot answer their questions or stuff like that. do i have faith?  if faith is hope then yes. it is hard stuff. no joke.

to end. bambam was talk bout music playlist of hers. i have found a few songs that i really like. strong enough. alone by FF5, alone by RED, and a song by city harmonics. greyson chance has some cool songs too.

i am spend my night listen to the rain, an watch fairly odd parents.

weekend

friday nite me was go watch movie wit shortie but her show say yes to dress was on. so me watch the karate kid an karate kid 2.
me was no feel to good. me was real sad but me no want say no one that.


me no got but 3 hours sleep an that was early sat morn. me spent most day in bed. me no care to do no thing. me no eve care if me got better or no. it was how me felt. me post blog an one me friends left comment an it made me feel real bad. it was harsh but true.
me talk wit few friends an bambam bout how me felt. me felt bad bout some things me had say but it was how me felt.
me spend most me day in bed watch big bad beattleborgs. me felt better after me talk wit me friends.

me no get bed til 3am. me sleep til noon. me had bad dream. me mom was go kill her self an me was try save her. me no did save her. me woke up cry instead. me was think day was go be like yester day. it was no tho. me talk more than me use do. bambam say me a few thing, o most like a story.
me learn bout the type foods me need eat in me diet. fats. like steak an chicken. me know me also need find protein shake. me weigh 100lbs. me just check. so me has lost o most 30 lbs in o most 5 weeks. me need start put weight back on. me also need start work out. me has be work on build leg muscles an arm muscles. even when me out of hospital me has go for pt few times week. me sat outside for bit. nurse made me go out. made me stay out there for while. me came back in an me is now under 4 blankets shake cuz me so cold.
me is tire an read for some more yum.

this be me weekend. me is read to start new week.

bore out me mind

yester nite an early am was real hard for me. took lot out me. as hard as me friends try me mood no change at all.

me no get sleep til 7am an then me be up at 10 an no go back sleep. me had horrible dreams.

me has spend day clean out me email an watch big bad bettleborgs. me sided leave friends lone. let them be. them need time to love life wit out me for bit.

me no read story day an me on got out bed to use bathroom. me no eve look out window, me no care to. me has stay in bed.

it has no be good day. me mouth is real hurt me, me head is o most no hurt. me has no sleep well last few nites. like me ever sleep well.

morrow me may do same thing as day.

short stuff

me has a dream yester nite but me no member much of it. me just know me has had the dream before.

me wake up an me sleep good. me had ice cream yester  nite me watch roseanne. an me also talk wit bambam for bit. me like talk to her. her is smart. her try talk where me can get it. it no alway work but most time me get.

day is day them make scars small. me has got use to them an go miss them big. but if me let them try new kind of surgery then them is go pay for most me bills. them also try new thing to fill in dent in me head instead use metal. me no know if me pose talk bout it but me is just  no say no thing. lol.
me is kind scare. me has no feel good since yester nite. me temp has no go up so that good. me just hope them no make mistake. that no be good. me is do good at try walk an me no want wake up an find me no can walk. no no.

me think me no good person. them say you reap what you sow. an me think me get nuff to know that bad persons have bad stuff happen them and good persons have good stuff happen them. it no pose be other way round. me phone broke, me computer has some wrong wit it, me hear me car fall part, me is sick an in hospital, me brain is sick. me just no know.

me had therapy. no do much. it was normal time. short um session.

me has go so um pray for me.

out. tire. nap.

me no can sleep well. me head hurt lot. me mouth hurt too. me is still real tire. me has spell blog or some might get mad.

me go watch big bad beetleborgs and read story. bambam say no to give up an to put me asks in me blog. guess this way me no bother me friends wit dumb asks an more persons can have chance answer.

me read story of the dreamer. here me asks.
     parents are pose to love them children all same so why did Jacob love Joseph more than the others?
     why did him brothers want get rid of him? that no very nice.
     how do god watch over we?

me is to tire read nother story. me is yum so me try eat.

me ask that if you pray for me that you pray for me lip, it real real real hurt an you pray that me head no hurt so much. me say thank.

me go eat. be on facebook. watch beetleborgs. an sleep. me sorry blog so short. but some time it better be short than do to much. me love.

pray dream or head dream

me have weird dreams an me go talk you bout it.

this me have sunday nite. 
               all me friends were there. all me friends from, me think college. Sara Mcguire, Nikki Canady, Patty Harness, Valerie Frankie, Becky an James Cross, Amanda Cairney, Ashley and Paul Cockram, and so many more. there were hundreds. us were meet at building that have big hill. me got there an all read on hill waiting. me was suppose be in hospital but them let me out for one day to see all me friends. me was walk down side walk to go be wit friends an me got to curb. me try step down but me fell an hit head. boo. me lay there for few bit and held me head. then me get up. me try walk cross street but me lost balance an had grab hold blue van to help me. real old lady came an give me blue cane. me had at start of dream but me must drop it. her talk me get in van. me did and then me talk me friends over there us got talk them where to go. me an me cane got out an start walk over there. me got there. me spend bit wit friends. then in flash us all at me granma's house on her front lon. me went in an say wit her bit. than me go outside wit friends. all friends start go house to home wit red bags. me think them get stuff from persons. there was tent in my granmas lon an um me can hear noises come out it. that all me talk bout that, lol. me was up walk wit friends then me get back to lon and fall back and take nap. me felt hands on me an me hear persons pray. then some in me hurt an me open eyes. me friends were all round me. few bit later an them all get up an walk up the street out of see. me wait bit then me talk persons in tent all them left and me follow. me found me in a building and this guy was try help me get out. him go look for map to help me find st. jo. him say me in texas. him help me get out door and me walk onto parking lot wit lots an lots of persons. me ran try to find me friends. me ask an no one can help. me make up hill an then me fall in water. boy came carry me out. him took giant snowman head wit 3 tube an put one in me mouth. him blow in it an me start breath. then me woke up.

this me have saturday nite

              me was at a home. me friend call me talk them found some and them be dig from 9:30pm til 7am an no be home that nite. me question if need help an them talk on if me want dig. me talk yes. them talk some be over get me. next thing me go down big street toward dark stormy cloud. me sister rachael were walk too an stardust were follow we. some guys get in way me talk her took stardust an go home. in road dark cloud was spin an most on road. me got past guys an walk to me dads house. stardust ran off an me had go next door an get him. family got in fight so me call me friend an them talk me to never call gain that all world hate me and the storm were go took me out all lives. then me wake up. no zombies. it just make me feel that me no real wanted any where. an remind me that me stick in dark

me have this one days go.

                         me keep go from hospital to hospital an before me go to next hospital me was out wit friends on roof lay on carry board. me go to next hospital. me was in room an me was wake up slowly me saw someone make card an it tape to window by door. there was 3 strips red paper also tape there next to it. me look over an there me friend Valerie sit next me bed. her get up to walk some but me know her bin there hole time. me woke up. - dream make me feel comfortable. me was sad me had no friends there wit me but me no wait see them. :)

me  have this dream days before that dream.

               me was out in parking lot an me big sis becks show up in lil dark blu jeep. her talk me get in so me do. her ask me how me am an us say. - no much happen in dream but me sleep good an me feel safe wit me sis. it was nice dream.

me think that some dreams me have cuz persons pray. me think some dream are cuz me head no sleep when me do. it be bad. lol.