Paranoid

its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.

   

yes listen to this video as you read!!

i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life. 

i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen. 

its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder. 

its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries. 

paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever. 

my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas.  my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here. 

Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs. 

i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas. 

thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.

i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke. 

pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.

at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit. 

when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.

so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless. 

so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined. 

why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.

happy halloween...me hope

happy halloween!

me member when we lived on Jules my dad would go all out for halloween an christmas. him would decorate our um forum an living room with boxes an totes full of decorations. lights, animation, all sorts of stuff. our duplex was creepy as was tho. it was crazy. there was some thing in that house. me no believe in ghosts but me do believe in evil things. me dad swears him saw ghost.

last night me watch storm chasers again at 11. then me watched that 70's show, everybody hates chris, and an episode of family matters. me like holiday themed episode of shows.

it has been a long morning. me went an done pt. will do it again in the early pm. try to build muscle back up. work on write, or scribble. an memory games.

me is on soft diet. just to make sure me stomach can handle stuff. applesauce, icecream, soup, broth, yogurt, pudding, mashed tatos, oatmeal. hope by wed me can start harder stuff. it would be great!

so me doc say it is ok for me to help pass out candy to kids. so yay. me love kids. them smile is like a angels kiss. it warms the heart. an the laugh is like a song from heaven. lol.

me is go to be scary. me is go as meself. lol. that is scary.

lot of the nurses are dressed up, long wit docs, an therapists, it makes it a bit fun round here. me guard even dressed up as a police officer, haha haha ha....
the other two one is a ninja, an the other is a lawyer...that is scary. lol

no investigation feed today. them is let me enjoy tv...haha.. it is me treat...now me has pull a trick on them. lol

so me is watch Munsters. Alvin an chipmunks frankenstein movie. then from 5-8 is trick or treat. which me is excited for.

me is sad for me friend jasi. her lost a friend an her is all sad. her is real good at write stuff tho. me wish me could help ease her pain.
stephen is go as a zombie nurse rockstar something. it is pretty scary. lol. no joke. haha. think me would pee me self if him walk into me room. no joke. haha
me miss bambam. noooo joooke. me hope her is alright. me worry bout her. me think her is part elf. just say. there is a reason for that. lol.
me miss shortie an piglet an kara. no joke.

what is funny is ash use no joke last night. her say her talk to me too much. but that it is a good thing. her is pick up on me mannerisms. just hope it is only the good ones. lol.

it is sunny outside. me was freeze all night. me got 8 1/2 hours of sleep. me is still tire. not sure if this is a good thing or not.

pt is a pain in me body. no joke. this build muscle thing is build pain thing instead. but me hope that by the end of the week me can move round on me own, me mean move not walk or anything. tho that would be nice.

so me is real worry bout me bambam.me wish me could do so much more for her than what me is. me is bout ready to break all the rules, no joke, just to let her know what her means to me. that tho this world may be try to break her down, that her is rock hard. they can chip her, but they will not break her. her is an angel. when you is round her you feel piece of heaven. and the only vibe you get from her is complete an total love. no joke.

pass out candy was fun. some of the kids were scary, like me was kinda scare to give them candy. then there were the real little kids that were sooooooooooooooo precious an adorable. no joke! me did have a bad moment so me was out for about 15 mins, but then me got back in on the action. kids kept call me him an sir, boy, guy, man, yep. haha.

one of the nurses brought me a treat. starbucks. lol. the psl. pumpkin spice latte. me is not sure what me is go do wit rest of me night tho me has idea.

me hope everyone has had a safe good halloween!

last or first night

scan scan scan. that is all me feel me get to do. me no like close spaces tho. this is why me no cover me feet lot. no shoe no blanket, no dog or cat lay on them, unless me feet is real froze. me would no wear shoe at all if me no had to.

me has had long nite. me no could sleep. me had real bad seisure and me fell out bed hit me head. it was no bad hit but it knock me out real good. it cause some stitches an staples to come out. them fix it. me is no sure witch me has so me jus say both staple an stitchs.  me can no type well so me has to fix ton things before me act post things. me temp has gone up. it is 105.8 right now. me is see stuff gain an hear stuff. me is no pose to sleep but me fell sleep for bit.  me had dream bout snake that was chase after me. it was big snake. it ate one me pets. there were snake all in wit me pets. it was weird scare dream. me no stay sleep long haha. me wake up scare. me hate snakes. yuck! them let me sleep for few hours tho. it was no much but me feel jus small bit better.

me has have 4 scans today. them say puss is no go way an them is go have do surgery morrow. 9-11 hour surgery. them is go try cut out infection out me head. them say if it cut out than me will get better. drugs are work for most part just not wit infection in me head.this make no get, no worry, me no get either. me keep have real bad seisures. them is no fun.

some one sent me pic of outside day. them say it beautiful. on way back from one of them scans them stop at window an me got to see how pretty it is out. even wit the clouds it still look pretty out.

me is lost lot um wait. me bet me is as much as me dog. me use wait 125-130, now me wait 85-90. me cloths are lose. real lose. me no look to good. me is go go as skeleton for halloween. it a joke, lol. me is all white an me look like ghost or zombie. so this leave me options open. who kno by halloween me could act be a ghost. me is go start protien shake or what eve u call them. me just have find good one, so if u kno good one, please say me.
me like halloween. me member that me parents had bunny costume an all us kids were bunny for halloween til us was to big to be bunny. me went as ninja lot times. one year me even went as dead princess. me no think there any pics so you is sol, sorry out luck, lol.
me think halloween last year me stay home wit me dad an ate all candy cuz all the kids were in me granma hood. no joke. if u eve go to st jo dur halloween all kids in town go to deer park to trick an treat. us went there lot when us were kid. it get so pack that u can no drive thro any of them streets. u can get wole trash bag full of candy. but me watch ghost hunters live wit me dad, well him fell sleep, so me watch it. me ate all candy an me was sit in dark watch ghost hunters. if me is out by then or no a ghost, me is go sit at home lone watch halloween stuff.

me has spent most time me is wake watch cosby, this channel call tbn. it have lot of cool cartoons on. me learn bit bout god stuff. me watch wizards of waverly place an gaithers.

so me has some asks an me is go ask them here cuz persons just avoid me if me ask them. so me ask them here
- who is god? - if him is me father than do that mean me have 2 dads? - who is jesus? - the bible is god's word right? - what is heaven? - what is hell? - what is a blessing? - what do it mean to admire?

them is just few me has.

me has got sick er. me has be have lot seisures. me has be puke lot of blood. an me temp is now 106.0. :/

one thing me real like is some the things bambam say. her say to me that what eve me blog bout is important to her cuz it important to me. me like lot things me friends say. me jus no take well cuz it is weird for me to hear them things.

me has this thing call messages from god. Josi ask me to do it on facebook. the message today say this:
- On this day of your life, Brittany, we believe God wants you to know ... that you've been talking to God too much, and not listening enough. Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you. -
 me is no sure what this mean. pray is say to god, an me has no be do this, cuz me is no sure how. how can god be answer if me has no ask?

yester day me message say this:
- On this day, God wants you to know...that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about. -
  how do u forgive u? forgive mean to say sorry? so me would be say sorry to me? me is no sure what them talk bout. an so many me friends are like ya listen this. so now me feel dumb, cuz it sound like me should kno an me no kno. 


me hate when me feel dumb. me is alread dumb, an it no help when others add to it. me has decide me is go clean out me facebook friends. not that me has many real friends on facebook. what a loser me is. no joke. so me is ask most me friends if them want stay friends. if me no ask that cuz me alread kno u answer.  


me has surgery morrow. ya, it scare me. me no kno why. guess cuz me feel all lone. but that me. me also feel persons just walk all over me an no me no llow it. it is like me is no important. me could die an be dead for weeks, an me no think persons would even kno or care. me is frustrate. 


me need some major friend time, me need some major person time.

short stuff

me has a dream yester nite but me no member much of it. me just know me has had the dream before.

me wake up an me sleep good. me had ice cream yester  nite me watch roseanne. an me also talk wit bambam for bit. me like talk to her. her is smart. her try talk where me can get it. it no alway work but most time me get.

day is day them make scars small. me has got use to them an go miss them big. but if me let them try new kind of surgery then them is go pay for most me bills. them also try new thing to fill in dent in me head instead use metal. me no know if me pose talk bout it but me is just  no say no thing. lol.
me is kind scare. me has no feel good since yester nite. me temp has no go up so that good. me just hope them no make mistake. that no be good. me is do good at try walk an me no want wake up an find me no can walk. no no.

me think me no good person. them say you reap what you sow. an me think me get nuff to know that bad persons have bad stuff happen them and good persons have good stuff happen them. it no pose be other way round. me phone broke, me computer has some wrong wit it, me hear me car fall part, me is sick an in hospital, me brain is sick. me just no know.

me had therapy. no do much. it was normal time. short um session.

me has go so um pray for me.

out. tire. nap.

me no can sleep well. me head hurt lot. me mouth hurt too. me is still real tire. me has spell blog or some might get mad.

me go watch big bad beetleborgs and read story. bambam say no to give up an to put me asks in me blog. guess this way me no bother me friends wit dumb asks an more persons can have chance answer.

me read story of the dreamer. here me asks.
     parents are pose to love them children all same so why did Jacob love Joseph more than the others?
     why did him brothers want get rid of him? that no very nice.
     how do god watch over we?

me is to tire read nother story. me is yum so me try eat.

me ask that if you pray for me that you pray for me lip, it real real real hurt an you pray that me head no hurt so much. me say thank.

me go eat. be on facebook. watch beetleborgs. an sleep. me sorry blog so short. but some time it better be short than do to much. me love.

pictures

yester nite me was down an sad for bit. it is hard be here an the on face you see is those of nurses, docs, therapists, an few times other patients an/or them visitors. me miss me friends, them have be real help an love an nice an before any this me was no good friend at all. me no member much but me do member that fact. an yester nite me keep ask me why them be good friend to me when me has been no real friend to them? this some me ask all time to me. me do know to me miss them.
me miss me family. the yell the fight the jokes an just be wit them. me miss me animals stardust bubbles gumby even elvis, him is no me but him think him is. me miss me no so comfy bed an me dresser me still have from when me 3. me miss lot stuff.

yester nite me got real mad an upset. me was scare. me no want be sick no more, me no want to no no talk, me want to walk normal. me want to feel better and be better person. me think cuz me was real tire that it add to them feel.

me stay up an watch roseanne and wizards of waverly place. make me go haha real hard. me love to go haha. me is kid even tho me adult. me love cartoons and kid movies. them shows make me feel better. happy. me was up to 230. me went sleep.

me had dream bout airplane an persons from me high school day were on plane. me be on plane once but no member. me was on plan sit next window. me was scare cuz me no like high. persons me knew were be mean an make me feel no want. plane took off an me was no scare. me look out window an it was nice. me no member lot of the dream but me woke up mad an sad.
before me fell sleep me was think bout go on plane  an visit bambam. me no think her like that, but me was think bout it. me dream mind me that me is let me past keep me from me future. no more tho. no more. me go kick me past right where mother nature split it. yep, me said it! deal wit it!

me woke up. me was tire sad mad. an then me had post on me wall an  it make me feel all better. me love get posts when me wake up, it make me day start good.

me went pt. me walk wit help of hold some, from me chair on wheels to the tape on floor where one the helps was at. me got first goal done. then me stand wit no help for a hole min on own. to goal done. me 3 goal is to hum or say word. me has 4 goal an that is to spell one word on paper right an in lines. me on have do 3 to get go outside!!!
them took me back to me room an me eat. yum. me can eat on own now. me no need no tube, yay. the tube hurt lot. me therapist walk in an sat an eat wit me. him say me slow down or you choke on you food. me was want food. me lift me head up wit me face full food an just stare at him then me smile an me think him was bit weird out by me. lol. it was funny!
me finish eat and me tummy went yum. it was happy. us play memory an me got 3 matches! 4 cuz bambam say that me love her and her love me and that make match, :) !

me read 3 story all bout isaac. me no get them. me is get frustrate an me think me just go stop read bible story. it real hard. an me friends no alway round to help me get story. maybe if me can watch story or have some one read to me an answer me asks in person that help.

me eat dinner. it was yum. than me try make to window gain. 2 STEP AWAY!! an the blinds were down. :( . nurse say when me get there me can open blinds so it surprise. me want know if world pretty outside. me want know if it sunny an colorful. me love colorful. me just no like olive green. no no.

me watch glee. it was good. end was kind rush but hole show good. me love kurt voice him is me fav character. in real life him me age, him is real gay, an him voice is just as pretty.

just bit go me got real sad in me heart, deep sad for me friend. so me go pray for her lot nite.

me alway pray for me friend at nite sort like me do on facebook day. it help me fall sleep. an when me learn what pray is me has be do it lot. me love me friends. them nice. me like talk wit them.

morrow docs go fix me scars to look like one on me hand an face or close to them. it is a surgery but short one. it start at 230.
an me have pic so if some one say me lie me just show them pic. me hate when me told me lie. me no like lie so me no lie or if me do me no mean to. me love truth.

me got card today from kara an her send pic of we in it. me start cry. it was real nice. her one me fav friends. her alway happy an go haha. me love her! me is still wait for bambam's card, me think her cards no like me. maybe her should send to me home as me has got everything that be mail to me home. me have 3 cards an one video and chuggers. it real nice an me love them.

me is real tire. me has cry lot today. tho it has be good day. me is no cold but hot today. an me head itch lot. whole lot.

me name this post pictures. me got picture today. me picture what it be like outside window. me picture what me future go be like. me picture walk to window and back. me picture stand for more than min. me picture see me friends. me picture visit bambam. me picture move. me has lot of pictures in me head and me is just wait to watch them um, develope? in from me eyes an come to life.

4 Weeks An Counting

me no spell good so you have deal wit it! :)


me be here 4 weeks. me know no what happen or why me here other than me brain got real sick. me got real sick too. me hope tho that me on be here one more week.


Yester day me got took real shower. me got unstink. me smell real bad before me shower. me was scare me head look all ugly an like crack up egg. but it no look bad. me look like peach with marks on it. doc talk them fix up scars so them no that noticable. this make me smile. me no want scare children or me when me pass mirror? or windows. lol. me do has some hair. it no long, but me like feel it, it all smooth an nice. me no suppose rub it but me think it feel weird, sort in bad way, when me head is touch an you no can real feel dents. me forgot what them talk them did but some new thing. at least it no metal. lol. think try get thro airport or courthouse, lol.


me have be work to look out window. me want to see what out there an me hope it pretty. me member bambam talk me once her want send flowers. me look round me room and flowers be pretty in here. me start off an me could on stand 30secs me still no able stand well or balance well. me use monitor iv thing hold on to and try walk. me got 2 step then 3 steps and now 8 STEPS!!! that LOT for me. me o most make to window. me can see top trees an then me had grab chair on wheels an sit. sigh, me make to window soon.

me phone mess up. it turn on an go service day screen and then restart gain. me no money get replace, so me hope phone company replace it or fix it. net10 sucks. yep. me on have phone 3 months.

me thought me were go lose job but me found out me get more hours. so me go work 15 hours week.

also me look at canes an cute hats. me found few me like. blue cane that folds, me no know if me like that it fold or not but it got cushion handle. an hat blue plad, an other white wit black strips. me no know how me go get them but me know if there will there way, or me think that what them talk.

me be learn bout god, bible, jesus, pray, christian, an all stuff. me like it. me friends are very mazing an help me learn. them have talk lot over an over but that how me get it. me have child bible and adult bible, me read story every day out child bible. me like them pics. me no get story bout babel tower. me read story an put asks down an give to friends an me learn lot bout story from them. me learn lot bout hell. me no want no one go hell. make me heart hurt an me eyes cry. so me do lot pray so may be no many go hell.

me went to get adult bible and me fell an cut me up lip open. it no fun. it big an hurt. me feel like fish. lol.

yester me got box from mail. it have card an stuff animal in it. me love both. me name dog chuggers. him small but him cute an soft. me have got two cards an that all. that fine, me no think me get anything. me read them every day. me also got video on facebook an me watch that few times day. them make me happy and feel better. :D

me watch storm chasers an now me watch qvc christmas show. lol. me love christmas. me decide me want lil drummer boy figure for present. me fav song, me no member why. me play drums, maybe that why. me go bed soon.

me feel better me temp is 99.4 an be that way for few day me think. me alway have pain. me head hurt lot. me no sleep good so me alway tire. them took me off most medicine to see how me react an so far me do good!

tomorrow me have pt. may be me say them take me outside some time?!

me need try sleep now, me cold, so me get warm. lol.