Paranoid

its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.

   

yes listen to this video as you read!!

i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life. 

i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen. 

its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder. 

its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries. 

paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever. 

my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas.  my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here. 

Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs. 

i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas. 

thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.

i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke. 

pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.

at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit. 

when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.

so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless. 

so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined. 

why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.

short stuff

me has a dream yester nite but me no member much of it. me just know me has had the dream before.

me wake up an me sleep good. me had ice cream yester  nite me watch roseanne. an me also talk wit bambam for bit. me like talk to her. her is smart. her try talk where me can get it. it no alway work but most time me get.

day is day them make scars small. me has got use to them an go miss them big. but if me let them try new kind of surgery then them is go pay for most me bills. them also try new thing to fill in dent in me head instead use metal. me no know if me pose talk bout it but me is just  no say no thing. lol.
me is kind scare. me has no feel good since yester nite. me temp has no go up so that good. me just hope them no make mistake. that no be good. me is do good at try walk an me no want wake up an find me no can walk. no no.

me think me no good person. them say you reap what you sow. an me think me get nuff to know that bad persons have bad stuff happen them and good persons have good stuff happen them. it no pose be other way round. me phone broke, me computer has some wrong wit it, me hear me car fall part, me is sick an in hospital, me brain is sick. me just no know.

me had therapy. no do much. it was normal time. short um session.

me has go so um pray for me.

out. tire. nap.

me no can sleep well. me head hurt lot. me mouth hurt too. me is still real tire. me has spell blog or some might get mad.

me go watch big bad beetleborgs and read story. bambam say no to give up an to put me asks in me blog. guess this way me no bother me friends wit dumb asks an more persons can have chance answer.

me read story of the dreamer. here me asks.
     parents are pose to love them children all same so why did Jacob love Joseph more than the others?
     why did him brothers want get rid of him? that no very nice.
     how do god watch over we?

me is to tire read nother story. me is yum so me try eat.

me ask that if you pray for me that you pray for me lip, it real real real hurt an you pray that me head no hurt so much. me say thank.

me go eat. be on facebook. watch beetleborgs. an sleep. me sorry blog so short. but some time it better be short than do to much. me love.

Week 4 Day 1

me sleep sort bad. me lip an teeth an head hurt all nite. keep move in bed try to get comfy. them give me few more pillow an them help sleep bit betterer.

from me bed all me can see when look out window is brick. me know sun out there but me no see no else. me go make to window this week me just know. me keep think what out there, is pretty, will me like. if pretty me just want stare out window. me hope me can stand long nuff to stare. me friend julia post link on me wall. it was good video. me love watch seal swim round an then make sound. it was funny. me real like it!

me got say wit me big sis becks for bit. me love her lots. her cool person. her love butterflies. me find butterfly cane that them butterflies glow on, but it too much for me think bout. her alway talk that butterfly are god's promises an blessings. me no sure what her mean but when me see butterfly me think her.

me have pt today. it go good me took 7 steps. no as much as yester but it still good, me think. me got one match at memory. me still no hum tho. sad. me say them bout video bambam make an cards me got and chuggers, an how me say me friends on facebook an text an how me real like it. them talk that it real good and that it seem to be help me get better. them ask me if me think me friends will make more video or send more card or animal, me talk me no know but if no it ok cuz me love them an them say wit me an that good nuff for me. doc no like computer thing at first but now him talk it help me an it good for me. now him like.

me have 6 scars on me head. them ugly. 3 on top, 2 on side an 1 in back. me hair is grow fast. doc say in month two me have look hard see them. :)

me has had time where me wake up an no can move legs, or me forgot stuff that just happen. doc talk this will happen for long time. some days me no walk good or no speak, some days me memory be real bad some days real good. him talk me take cane wit me just be safe. like bambam talk better safe than sorry.

it be long day. it was long weekend. me real loved movie nite wit bambam on friday night. me want to make her feel better an have better day but in end me no think it help. her pick movie, us no think us finish it cuz it were sad but then it have happy end. it good movie. the mom's eyes minded me of bambams.  me no know how me know what her eye color is but me was shock me was right.

me found me have music on me computer. it all good. there music from glee on too. one song me love love love is 3 lil words by press play. raise you voice an talk me love you. lol.

today me no too happy wit self. me no do as good as yester. me try me best. it no make feel good tho. me want to go um forward no back. kind bum bout it.

 me feel bad too. me family lie to me granma bout me. but it for her good. her very old and Chris just die few week before all this happen. me love me granma. yes!

  them took pic of me head an me see it. me no have bald spot at all. me hair is grow normal. me have so many scar on head face arm hand leg. it lot. me no have um tatoo or  um pearcing. no even ears. lol. now me have scar on me lip too. boo. hahaha.

  me dad talk me today. him talk me sister in trouble wit cops, sort no surprise. him is sick. boo. him also mind me of the 25th next month be 4 years. this sad.

me is bother by fact that me no member god stuff or college or stuff like that, but me member dates, an other non special stuff. it frustrate me. me no get mad, me no get angry, me alway forgive or me think that when you take some one sorry. me no hate no one. me no drink smoke or do drug. me think you should alway smile even if no feel like it, cuz it might save some one life. me think you need alway help even if think you no can. me think this stuff but me no know why me think this thing. what bother me most is me will member stuff in sleep but it be gone when me wake up. may be it best if there some thing me no member.

me read to story today. one bout um abraham an lot an how them no share so them move from one nother. the other story was when sarah an abraham was say them go have baby an sarah go haha in no believe. me on had to asks. :)

me had miss breakfast an lunch and for dinner me had biscutes and stew. yum yum. me want ice cream but me no feel me should have some since today me fail. sad.

me phone look like have be replace. sad. me no have money for new one. boo. an all me pics an all me friends in me phone. :( . sigh.

since me phone broke me has feel lone. me have computer yes but me friends no have it wit them all time. me miss me friends.  a lot an lot, even more than lot, much. it no good for baf be lone, no no. baf no like.

me take 12 steps, 4 way from make window. so frustrate. me no can go outside til me reach goals in pt. me hope that soon cuz me start think me no ever go make outside or to window.  :(

me go watch tv, or work on get to window. or may be me just lay here an think bout things. may be me go to bed soon. me is tire.

me hope you day has be good an that you is good. me pray for you yester nite. me pray for world.