hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.

my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

Paranoid

its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.

   

yes listen to this video as you read!!

i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life. 

i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen. 

its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder. 

its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries. 

paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever. 

my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas.  my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here. 

Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs. 

i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas. 

thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.

i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke. 

pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.

at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit. 

when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.

so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless. 

so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined. 

why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.

goodnight

during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.

last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.

if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.

i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.

today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.

me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.

there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.

Flight

yesterday as a real hard day for me. i was sooo down. i have not been that down in a long time. many times i will post a status, an that is how i will feel in the moment. sure i struggle wit stuff every hour of every day. i get down a lot. it is hard not too. esp when a lot of things suck. but last night, yesterday, i was fighting wit the thot that i had lost everything an everyone. never, in my whole time be here, had i felt as alone as i had yesterday. ya there was a guard, nurses, doctors, therapists coming in an out, but i felt i had lost all my friends, family, all hope.

i slept really good last night. i put pandora on my the classic crime station, an woke up with it on. my phone was also really hot. reminder to never leave it under my pillow again.

i had pt at 9. decided to do both sessions at one time. breaked for lunch. today we worked on standing. i was get so frustrate because i could not stand. finally i worked it up to where i could stand for 10 seconds wit the help of me cane. idea is to build arm strength an leg strength, arms so that when my legs are weak i can stillhold myself up. leg strength, so i can walk. for the brain, memory games. i can play them on the computer too, but it is always good to have another person there to play wit. - me is go get a memory game, or find one, an a few other games we use, an well i will tell you in a bit. - we are work on hum too. hha, it is funny. i finished pt around 2. an boy am i pooped.

i decided that when i went to bed, that this down ness an alone ness was not go to keep me from kickn butt. last night was horrible. i was ready to go to sleep an never wake up again. no joke.

i woke up an my fever had broke, my temp 99.7.

i was look at my aol mail or try to an there was this thing on there, flights for 59$.  so i was like hey, easy way to go to visit bambam an mama canady in january/feb. i did all the stuff, $270 for round trip,  not bad but still alot. so, stephen talked about kickn the butt of stuff on our to do list. well....one thing is to go visit seattle. so maybe...haha, in my far away dreams, we could make that happen...road trip?! . lol. it would be nice to have a road trip, but i can also pay for  a ticket. just have to talk with the canady's about stuff, details. yo. haha.

stephen jones is amazing no joke! totally made my day! i had posted about the conrad murry verdict. stephen sent me a message an this is how it went.

stephen - is conrad murry one of the guys who attacked you?
me        - ahaha...no...its michael jacksons doctor.
stephen - oh! lol. that goes to show how often i watch the news.

it was great. too funny. i do not like judging people. i do not think it is our place to judge. it was crazy what the people react to the guilty verdict. some fainted, others cheered, it was weird. this leads me to my next thing.

the trial. it is good that the only thing i have to do is sign yes or no. they have a video testimony. an another person who has come forward an is testifying. i will say it will bring relief to heard the words, we find them guilty! there are fears, valid ones, like what happens if one of them is not found guilty...the trial is go to be a hard thing to go thro.

i am excited to visit the jones. to do things with them. looks like i will get to test both the new bed an couch. lol. but their couch looks pretty comfy.

i was able to help a friend today. or at least i hope i helped.

the conversation of faith an god came up, an it really frustrates me that i cannot answer their questions or stuff like that. do i have faith?  if faith is hope then yes. it is hard stuff. no joke.

to end. bambam was talk bout music playlist of hers. i have found a few songs that i really like. strong enough. alone by FF5, alone by RED, and a song by city harmonics. greyson chance has some cool songs too.

i am spend my night listen to the rain, an watch fairly odd parents.

frakes

today has just not been my day. no joke.

it is easy to change you phone number, it is easy to block people on facebook an IM, what is not easy is blocking people from email. i could change my email, but seriously do not want to. no joke.

my family is no good. i love them wit all me heart, but i cannot wait to get away from them. granted i am, but this is only temporary. i have put up wit sooooooo much from them. the chaos, the fighting, the unlimited abuse, the drama, the drugs, the disrespect...an so much more. it is time to get away from them. no joke.

most my friends do not get to meet my family, cept for me granma, for good reason.

let me tell you some bout me family.

me mom - a druggie, alcoholic, slept round, chose men over her kids, then let those men treat us however, married a minister who beat the crap out her an us (me) kids. she kicked me out in the middle of winter an made me sleep in the dog house wit both me dogs. last words her say to me were i hate you. now she is dead.

me aunt - moms twin, the oldest, did the same things, drugs, alcohol, men, but she married a man who is occasional abusive. she was there when me mom was not, an sometimes we call her mom. she is a constant reminder of my mom.

me dad - him is quiet, drinks, runs his mouth, on occassion is physical abusive, but now it is a real rare thing, he has kicked me out so many times. he works alot.

dustin - my twin - he is 4 years younger than me - he is 18, high school drop out, druggie, drinks, is part of a "gang", think he is the next eminem. he does nothing to help anyone. he goes out gets high an then goes home an sleeps all day. he is disrespectful. he steals, lies, cheats, sleeps around, and is pure lazy. none the less him is me fav, an not only cuz him is me twin.if you do not believe us is twins, ask anyone who has see us in person or look at photos of us. no joke.

rachael - 20. always poor me an everyones fault but hers story. drugs, alcohol, boys - under age -, drama like none other. her an dustin both sell drugs. always try to drag us into her problems

alan - 16, gay/bi - cannot make up his mind, in multi relations, does stuff with older people - cough cough - has a bad past. smokes, drugs, drinks, steals. has no job. drama queen. anger problem, yells, shouts, gets abusive, an is very disrespectful.

i love them all. but i seriously cannot take them drama. i have a post that is not published called dear god. in it i say this - is it too much to ask for a peaceful, clean, drama free home, with no drugs, drunkedness, abuse, where everyone is respectful, helps out?!

the only one that makes it really hard to leave is me granma. you are not going to leave, or brittany is not going to leave, or you are the only person i got. i love me granma. her is very old, an sweet.

it urks my buttons that my dad did not let me get away with nothing like what my sibs are get away with. him says things an then changes them an calls me a lier when i confront him about it.

i am def spending thanksgiving wit me family. but am thinking about finding somewhere else to spend christmas.

an it will be a breath of fresh air when i get where i am going an not have to walk into a house where i am judged constantly, bullied, disrespected, an treated like a dog instead of a part of the family.

today i was put down by my family in emails, an ims, an facebook messages, it is a constant thing, but today was just over the edge. an they made me feel like crap. an i got really insecure about me an my friends. for a long while, i had thot that they had all given up on me. it is a daily thot. but that is how my mind is working.

i am a freaking 22 year old that is on the level of a 2 year old in a lot of ways, trying to get thro elementary school, so i can graduate into adult hood with the parts of me that are already there. it is not fair, to me or anyone else, esp my friends. i am sure that them do not want to be go thro this wit me, but me is thankful for the ones that are. my family sure has not be any support.

i am a frakes, a romer, a baf. i am not my family, i am me. that is all.

Truth

for the last few weeks if not month month in a half, i have been try to put the pieces of my life, mind, an self together. try to figure out who i am, what was once in the gaps  in me memory, who are me friends, who people are, etc. an most of all try to find what it is i believe.
most this stuff there is not one person me has said any of this too, well typed, you all know what me means. me did not say it because me already feels dumb an retarded as it is. already feel me friends get frustrate wit the way me is sometime. i know me do, an if me do then others do too. so here it goes.

unless me talk to you on a often basis, me will forget you, or stuff bout you. it took me forever to remember bambam's name an nickname. no joke. an there are days that me will get some thing from her, a text or message or card, an me will not know who her is. there are days that it takes a while when talk to ash that me be like o, me know who you are. me no ever say this tho. it is bad, makes me feel like bad friend.
me computer has this thing where it reads text to me. so chat, messages, other stuff, me highlight it an the computer reads it to me. me is not that good at reading. me has only got better at spelling because of spell check an because me hears it all time.
one me pt things is memory. me has flash cards wit pictures on one side an on the other the name of what is in picture. me usual forget most things by next session. me can say car an not know what a car is, apple, book, tree, pencil, simple thing. me mentality is of a 10 year old, but me knowledge base is that of a 2 year old.
it is irritate. every time me get a card in the mail, who ever is in room at time read it to me. if it was not for the text to talk thing then me would not be able to have chats an messages wit people. me tries me best. an have found that if me just let me fingers do the work an try not to think too hard bout it that most stuff comes out right.
so people think me is doing real good, but me is not where you think me is. i have a long way to go before i am where you think me is at.

so there it is. laugh, joke, think what ever you want, sorry me did not say all this up front.


one thing me has been learning is that there is no reason for me to be embarrassed or ashamed of who me is or where me is. be in the hospital it is not that hard to do. but when me get out, me is nervous bout be round friends. no joke.
here me can lay in bed all day watch kid shows an disney an nick, an not get looked at like me is idiot. me will be at break in pt sit wit jake watch a disney show an will just start laugh an not have worry bout anything.
i guess what me fear is something that me has delt wit me whole life...so it is kind stupid to fear it even more now. i fear the looks, the talk, the get picked on stuff. an maybe me is be dumb bout it, but it is what me fear.

there is a lot that me is go have to relearn. mean me knows how to do so much stuff an do it right in me head but get ing it out of me head is another thing. me has to relearn how to read books outloud, talk, walk, an lot of other stuff. i do not always feed me self. am working on it tho.


me has always been one who people think is a goody to shoes, but is the rebel. no ever following rules, doing what me is not suppose to be doing, an to do what me is supposed to an following all orders given to me is really a odd thing for me. but good thing for me.





me is still sick wit high fever. but me is watch beauty an beast an aladdin wit the jones! me just hope me can stay wake lng enough to watch them all. me got card from bambam...it was great. her cards are always awesome. simple an sweet!

fall risk

last night was a real good reliever for me. got to talk wit bambam for the first time in what seems like forever. an me got to talk wit jasi! it was awesome. me also go talk wit ash. me loves all three them lots an lots an ......(continues into forever)!
Ohana means family. an if you are a lelo an stitch fan, like me, then you know this all too well. jasi took me in as one of the tribes members?, an it is supposed to be a family tribe. only thing is, i do not really see myself as part of any family, not even me own. no joke. i do like the idea of people supporting one nother as family. guess it is just a me thing. mean, me loves me family, but even tho them are me family, it do not feel like we are a family. get? some times me wonders if me will ever truely feel part of a family or no. maybe that is just the way it is supposed to be. *shrugs*
do not get me wrong, there are some out there that me consider family, an you know who you are. 

this am me woke, after having a rough night sleep, wit a 103.7 fever stomach hurting like crazy an just feel like me was go to up chuck everything.  me did pt. them say them has cancelled second session. boo. yes me said boo. me say boo cuz me legs are get stronger. so is rest of me.
one thing me loves is this green braceleet me has on. it says FALL RISK. haha. every time me look at it me grin an smile a bit. it is sort of a no brainer. 

me had dream last night.

bambam an i were sitting at a table an jasi was on the couch. we had just arrived at stephen an ash's house. me was so nervous bout seeing them all. an for some reason or another, me knew me could talk but was scared to because me thot if me talked them would be mad, so me did not talk. well, then us all went to me house. an me dad was sit there tell them me was lier an all sort stuff an them believed him. an me try to tell  them him was lier but all me could do was hum an say random words.

it was nice have all us there together but it broke me heart that them hated me. me guess it is a fear taht me has, that one day for some reason we will no longer be friends, an given the last few years, me do not think it is some me could take. no joke at all.

me new phone is pretty awesome. it has its bad features. but overall me has no service on it an me can do more on it than wit me phone that does have service.

me is not sure what me is do this weekend. usual there is some sort of plan. am go get off me laptop for bit. so if you send me a message me hope me get it. lol.

there are a lot of fears that me is deal wit, there are lot of things that me struggle wit, most me keep to meself, cuz to the rest the world they seem silly. doctors say me has mind of 10 year old. an still these fears an struggles are not things a 10 year old would even think about, unless, that 10 year old was like me an 30 at the age of 10. this journey rises new asks everyday, new mountains, an pops dreams that me has had for so long. its a journey of pain, bt one that will lead me to the rest of me life.

candy

no me did not misspell canady or cady, me mean what me spell....candy.

there is this lil boy who is usual at pt when me gets there. him an him mom got in a car wreck an his legs were broken really bad, him mom did not make it. the nurses were surprised when him came over to me on monday an start talk to me. them say he has not say a word to anyone since the accident. so we are pt buddies. we do lot of the same activities. his name is Jake. he came up to me an gave me a piece of candy. reeses. jake an i support one another, we are one another cheer system. he is only 6, an he is a awesome strong lil boy. Jake gets to go home next week. and then me lose me cheer buddy. an pt buddy.

me has not ate the candy yet. me has not got permission too. me could eat a few bags of those things tho.  me can not wait to have some candy. me like almond joys, mond, snickers, an reeses. paydays, whatchamacallits, an so many other things including m&ms.

me is start to gain pounds again. me is up to 105lbs. it is great. me clothes have not be fit as well. me no like to wear shorts cuz me has chicken legs. haha. no joke.

me has be talk to Jasi an ash today. one thing me tell them is me is not ready to get out of the hospital, even tho i am. what do me mean? me mean me is ready to see people, eat real food, go places, sleep in me own bed, actual skype, an all sorts of stuff. me is not ready for the drama of family, me is not ready for all the stress that this case has yet to bring, me is not ready to deal with the stress of life.

lately me has felt more like a burden than anything. wondering would visiting me friends really be a great experience or just a mess? do not want to put any more stress on me friends than them already have. it could be selfishness.

strong support system seems to be in a cloud above me head. me fears that once me is out in the free world that is outside me window, me will be left to fight this on me own. which is what me is used to.
me know that there will be those few, but sometimes it does not matter how many people are there on the phone or computer, or sometimes even in person, the support just still seems so far away, leaving one to be by them self. sometimes me just want to run away, hide from everyone.
not sure if me is protecting my self or everyone else. me is try be strong for so many people. me has be hidding out, try not to stress me friends out with me retarded life.

me say stuff. all time. stuff that would be nice, if it happened. stuff that would make things easier.

life is life. good or bad. must learn to deal. whether alone or not. journey through adventure, that is what me, you, us all have to do.

apple

8 hours of sleep. me stayed up watch rest of ghost hunters live, sort of. then me watch roseanne. me love that show. me has see every episode of it. i love that show.

me had a dream bout sara mcguire, patty lincoln, an bambam. they were try to have me follow them, just so them could try get rid of me. it was weird.

it has be a weird day. for some reason me is on this love hutch. me has see it alot an people keep repeating it so me put it as me facebook status, faith hope an love...an the greatest is love. an then last night me was think bout something an this random thing popped in me head. love is everything, without it you are nothing. not sure what it means, but me gree wit it.

mama canady, who me guess does not like casper, lol, tell me not to worry bout bambam, easy said than done. no joke. an me would say me will try, but that is not the case. me will worry bout her an all me other friends too. me just loves them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. when they hurt i hurt, when they cry i cry, when they laugh i laugh, when they sleep...i watch them intently. (lets see who's friends wit me now, lol!!!!) - creep!
i would do anything for any of me friends. me would take a bullet, a car, a knife, a terminal sickness for them. no joke. do not sit there an be like, ya right!, try me....no joke.

so remember few posts ago when me talked bout the chi wa wa? me would name it captain pickles an teach it to say arrrrr....no joke!

me dad car is still be fixed. but...me car is act up, it is some wit the fuel system. boo.

me always forget to put some in me post an me always say me will do it the next one an then me forget again. lol

me has some pics. them say the ones wit me in them can not be posted because them is for the trial. what eve. so me will post me room pics some time soon.

pt. mama canady me is work very very VERY hard. me is always go have trouble wit stuff tho. but me is work hard so that me no have that much trouble. yes yes! haha. me can o most lift me arms over me head. an me can o most move me legs on me own. yes! i am still scribble scribble scribble tho. an no sound is come from me mouth, not even a hum. me ate an apple today an me kept it down. an me has be sleep good. just not on a good schedule. an me say this to ash but me is go say this on here because it is important for me, me has been make bm's on me own. yes. it is a bit gross but good.

me got to talk wit shortie an piglet today. it was good. last night me got to talk with Jasi! her was very proud of me spell an grammar.

glee is come on in a bit. but me hope everyone is have a good day, an know that you are loved lots.!!! <3

just to hear you say it...

yesterday me blog me sound very frustrate an like a jerk. me is a jerk. a big one. an me do not care. no joke.

me got to talk wit ash a bit yester night. me think me made her mad tho. me was hope to get to talk to stephen, but me think him is real busy an him need him sleep so him can feel better.

me has few friends that are go thro some hard times an it seems like there is nothing me can do to help. it frustrates me.

me dad found out that it is just him alternator, or him hope that is all it is. me sister has an abscess in her throat. me family is all mad that me is not there. them say me do not care, or me would make an effort, an that me is not a good sister.

this day has be kind of a long day. me was up til 4 am. me just could not sleep. me sleep til 11. me tv broke an them is work on get new one, so me got out of interview feed.... (sarcastic) it is so sad. watched wizards of waverly place for while. then me napped til 1 30ish. at 3 me was told me sister was in hospital. 4 me fever broke. hope it is for good this time.
me feel better wit the fever gone. the pain game real has not changed much. me bad moments have real went down to maybe one or two a day. them say this may be a thing that happen eve once in while. me has not be puke lots. few time a day. physically me is get better, me think, me hope. personally me still feel like a horrible person.

me is frustrate wit the fact that me cannot take care of me friends. me cannot find a single way to make any part of their pain a little lighter. i hate it. just the way me hate that i cannot be there wit me family.

look like me will get out here the week of thanksgiving. if anyone is have ham, me would love some! me is ready for turkey too. me is ready for real food. steak sounds real good.

me is not sure what me is do for me weekend. sleep me know that. but me is not sure. real have no plans. so anyone want to do something?....

me is go to hate say this but it is how me feel. me feel that me should stay off facebook an me phone for while an just let me friends be. me feel things wold be lot better for them. nothing bout  me is help anyone. i just feel that if anything me is make things worse for persons.

me cannot access me  netflix or youtube or pandora. sadness. some reason it is not work for now. so me is stuck wit the tv them did replace. me is glad for that. or me would real be bore out me mind.

one of the nurses is bring me a strawberry milkshake. it is go be yum. me is glad. but it is secrete so no tell, lol.

life is not always easy, an when you are sick it is really not easy. if it had not be for my friends, i would have not make it this far, or prob even be here. them are what gives me hope. them are the reason why me is press on in my adventure.

WED day

yester nite me temp went back up to 105.9. right now it is 106.2. me could no sleep so me watch movies all nite til 6, n then me fell sleep. me sleep til 830.

me talk wit bambam yester nite. me love her. her is one me heros. her is so strong even when her think her no. me is learn so much from her. her is a mazing person, friend, an sister. her say her is go skype wit me sometime day. :D that make me happy!

me felt kind bad that me fell sleep. me is one who say me is alway there, an it no matter the time that you can alway text me or call me, well cept now you can no, an me will be there when you need me. well ash text me just after me fell sleep. me felt bad cuz this was one those times me was no there.

today is ash an stephen wed. pose to skype it for me. even if them do no, me is happy for them. them has be wait long time for this. even tho it short time, it has be long in them minds. me is sad that me will no get talk wit either one them for o most a whole week but it is ok. them is go have fun on them honeymoon. me know where them is go, but them no know that me know. lol.
shortie ask me if me had gift for them an me say me sort do. me is no good at shop for wed or birthday or anything. haha. me use has some one wit me who is good at this stuff, or me has someone do it for me. lol. me is go make them some tho. when me can do stuff wit out it look like a baby done it.

bambam say that me should no do anything when me go home, or no at first. me gree but it will no happen. me just know me will have to wash stuff so me can have clean bedding, have to pick stuff up off floor so me can walk thro me room, prob check animals to make sure all 14 of them are fine an have food water an fresh bedding/litter. then me is prob go have to do all dishes in sight. try ing to get 2 teenage boys to do anything to help out round the house is hard. or impossible when it comes to me brothers. then if me dad forget to get stuff, an him will, me will be go to the store to get what him forgot. then there is the cook, an then the clean up. an then the next day come one of the things that me look forward to eve year. we get the christmas tree! last 2 years us have use me car, but me is no sure if it is go happen this year or no. any way, we go as fam usu, an us find tree an it use be me dad cut it down but now me twin cut it down, while me pull to help make it go faster, an then me an one me bros carry it to be pick up. stardust has no ever see a real christmas tree, this will be awesome, me just hope him no try to climb it. lol. then usu some time in next week we decorate it.

when it come to drive round tho. me think me is go have let me brother, dustin, who can drive but is no legal, drive me round. me was one who taught him to drive, so me hope him no try kill me. lol.

an then me has o most nuff pillows at home that me can make me self comfy in me futon. me wish matress was no so thin but it is ok.


shortie an me make this evil guy so we could destroy him. it sound fun at first an then me start think me no want to think bout kill someone right now, even if them is no real. so when her ask me waht me was go do to him me say me is go hug him. our hugs broke the evil curse on Tina n now him is good!

me watch ghost whisperer at 1am it was the christmas episode. me has on seen that show 2ice. before that me watch fraiser. it was funny stuff.

me think tonite me is go watch phantom of the opera if no other plans come up. piglet an jasi say them both may try skype wit me, so me may have plans, or maybe one me friends will be like hey, want watch movie, an if me is alive an awake, me will belike umYEAH!lol.

me is no go lie tho, me eyes are tire. an me is so weak. it is work just to breath. lol. but me has smile on me face. sorts, it is no a baf smile but it is no  frown or a me is die face.

me can no wait til me is out of here, then me can act skype. me has be tempt tho to go head an unmute me mics or even just show me web cam. bt me no want lose me laptop. no no.

me is no sure me is go get that wheel chair. me no think me is, them were pose to give address for one me persons to go pick it up at but that has no happen. so me guess if there is day me feel me can no do some or me friends an me go some where an me is no able to walk me will just have sit an let them wonder round. me no mind. me is happy when me friends are happy.

me is bruise lot easy. me no ever bruise but me is no an it is no hard to give me one. the guard drop the movie on me arm an now there is big bruise. ya...from movie that weigh like no even 1/2 lb.

ash could no get skype to work. it was sad. me no get see wedding, bt it is ok. them is marry now an me is very very happy for them!!! me love ash an stephen so much!!!!

bambam an me watch movie. haha. her is very good but also very bad at pick movies. lol. the movies her pick are very good, but them is ones that make me heart sink to me stomach an tears rise in me eyes. us watch lifted...an if you have no see it, beware, me had stop it. me was sob thro most the last half.
in so many part of that movie, me would think, me has be there, me has be there...no joke. me mom alway pick guys that had no respect for anyone but them. an her would alway bring us kid round them. her would be so high that any one of her guy friends could have kill us an her would no have cared or even realize it. her guy friends would be jerks. wit some them we even look at them in any way an them would beat the crap out us. me would never let them touch me sibs. me alway step in an protect them, took their beat. mom would sit there an watch it or even help. me can no tell you how many times me dump alcohol, or flush drugs, an turn round an take care of me mom. one time us went see me "grandpa" - mom dad - an him beat the crud out me for refuse do some for him. us would go home tell me dad what happen an him would turn round do the same thing say me was lie.
me mom did start go to meetings tho. me hated go to them wit her. me know them helped her but me hated go to them. an then me aunt start go to, an me still hated go. me still will no go if ask.
lot time music would be the on escape me had. me would go in me room, block the door, an blast me music. there are time me still do that, if me is real mad or real sad. me would use music to drown out all the noise, the fights, the yell, the pound, the threats. an still do.
the movie was sort a tribute to those who have serve in military an them families, especial those who have die in service. it is a remind that them have give them life but them is no gone.
made me real sad. me miss Chris Link, lots. an me granpa was air force, an me miss him lots too.

after the movie, bambam an me skype! it was good ok great to see her face an here her voice. an her was the bambam me member. her is very silly. lol. but her is very precious to me!

me was go take nap for bit an then them come in an ask if me want shower/bath. me was like, yea! haha. me is clean. me is just real hot an start smell funny gain. lol. after shower me went to have scans. them say there is small area of puss but them think them can kill it wit some meds.

now me is back in me room. bambam is go skype wit me gain! woot! an mama canady may join in! hurray!

me no think me is go watch phantom of opera tonight.

me has a new name for me seisures, them are me bad moments. me is no sure why me is sick or why me body will no heal, it is very sad.

it is just another mystery to be solved in this part of me adventure.

Masquerade

me has do lot of discover me self. or me old self. me is try find out what me like in music an movies an ect. TFK is awesome, an their song masquerade is mazing. but that is no why me name this post that at all. nope.

yester nite was a no other nite of no sleep. so bear wit me if me spell is off an if me has revert back to a pervious version of me self. what me mean by that is spell version of me self.

me got skype wit ash for a bit. it was real good to see her face an hear her voice. it was nice to get to see a real person, live. me was pose to skype later that nite wit both ash an stephen but some thing came up an it was late an, well, them was go have big busy day today, so me was like, it is ok.

a few mins later me start seisure bad. me real wish them would go way.  it fin got to point where me had to get off me laptop an move it way from me. mme watch lot of disney channel. least me temp is now 104.8.

at 9 am me tv switch to live feed of the investigation. it make me sick to me stomach to watch an hear all that. about 3 one the guards came in wit me mail. by this point me was try to hide me from the tv. me blarred music, an hid under me pillows. at 5 it went off. me was so thankful.

shortie is awesome. ever time me think bout her me has the shortie song go thro me head. you know the one that go - shortie like a melody in me head got me go nananaa ever day got me ipod stuck on replay replay. it is a bad song but if you know me shortie than you can gree, her is one person you no ever get tire of. me got mail from her today. her sent me the sun. no joke. ok. no the act sun, but her catch the sun wit rope an pull it into a card to give to me. the card was awesome! an her sent me phantom of the opera! the newer version. it is her so me has give it back, which is no prob, but me think it is mazing!

me love phantom of the opera. it is good movie. an it puts me to sleep. so me will prob no make it thro the movie once, but me will get sleep. haha. sing to me....da da da daa.

me has no yum today at all. me is still heve. yuck. sad ness.

shortie say when me is out or able have visitors her is go come visit me an we are go have lots fun. this is go be nice. me would real love that.

me love me friends. no joke. an me is go be real cited when me can visit them.
me do no like idea of be in moberly, nor st. jo an me is real glad me is no in kc. those boys family lives in one of those 3 cities. but me is no fraid of them. ok, may be just a bit, but that is on cuz me is no strong nuff to stand up or protect me.

me got a letter from me cousin Allen, him is in prison for drugs an steal. me is go start email him. me has also be get letters from those guys family. eve one of them ends up go to agents. but it make me feel like me is at fault. but there is no a day that go by that me no feel me is no in some way.

just like me say to ash yester nite. me hate put me friends thro all this, so many rules an things that me can an can no do, it freakin sucks. an me hate put them thro that. no a day go by that me do no blame me self for so much.

an wit monday just round the weekend, that blame game is get more players involved. monday be 4 years since me mom be dead. me fam blames me for it, for no be there, for so much, but me alway get blame for most thing in me fam. no big deal. me feel like that lil kid gain: now look, you made you mom leave. - you alway got to ruin eve thing good for me. - it is you fault me no has boyfriend. -why were you no watch you sister? - if you had do this, that would no ever have happen. -me hate you. -it you fault me try kill me. -it you fault that me can no get high/drunk/laid. -it you fault we are live on street. -you on got beat because what you did was bad. -it you fault me did this or that or them did that or this. an so on.
but that was no as bad as what me hear when me try to get help: you is lie. - you did to you self. - you dad/mom would no eve do that, them is too nice. -me will no hear of it. -you deserve it. -the way you act, all nervous an stuff, say to us that you is lie. -how would you like to go to jail for say a lie? an so on.
me whole life it was a sea of voices an that was all them roar out. that is me lil spew for the week.

 who can real say that no of this is me fault. we all have part in ever thing, right?!

guess me spell is still bug some persons. lol. but me was glad when some one act try to correct me. my is one word that me brain will no let come in an stay. but me was glad that them least try.

me was pose to have date nite, but it no happen. ah well.

Jamie say that jesus is leprechaun. him say on an idiot would believe in a fairy tale like that. or one like there is a god. him want me to watch some bout darwin. me is go watch it cuz me say me would. an me listen to vic at flf. him say read thro psalms, an there you will find god an who him is. so me is go do that.
eve one wants me make decision. is it no nuff that me say that yes there is a god, or do me have to get down to details? sorry, it frustrate me. if you did no know, me is in hospital and still very sick. it is go take me prob more than few days to say hey this is who god is an this is where him is. but that is me fault to. me chose to get sick an forget god an what me believe. it is a hard thing. me is luck if me can member yesterday. an you want have big hard chat wit me bout god? no no NO! me is learn little by little eve day. me ask questions when me has them. me has take step by step. me feel like eve one want me to make a choice bout god an get all this out the way before me learn how to sit up on me own, stand, walk, or even speak. me will listen you talk bout god or about why there is no god, me will have chat wit you bout bible an all that stuff, but all me ask is that you stop push me. it is a thing that took me long time to learn before all this happen an now me has to learn it all gain an make a choice. 22 years is no go happen in 2 days or 2 weeks, if eve 2 months.

now on to some else.

me love me friends. me know me alway say this, but IT IS TRUE. me is learn from me friends but as me talk wit them them say that them is learn from me. me no get it real. me is no teach them any thing. me ask them asks, an them answer them, but that is no me teach. bambam say her is learn how to love how to be love an me is teach her lots, an shortie say her is learn to care for her friends an is learn from me. me no get. at all. me is a jerk most time. so me no see how there is love or care in taht.
ebony, who me has no hear from in while, say taht piglet talk bout me lots, an ash say taht her an stephen talk bout me lots. me ask is why? me no get me friends. them is weird, but awesome. haha, it like that nationwide commericial:  -...weird - but awesome!! haha. it is true. no joke. it is like them have bore lives an have no else to talk bout but me. that is weird, an bit creepy, but no true. haha. me love them. an it is good to hear that them love me too. or are talk bout me to eve one else but me, lol, jk. if me give them some talk bout that is fine wit me!

it is go be a weird long next 3 days. adventures away!

hot in here

it is 74 in this room, but me body temp is now sad le, 106.4. boo. it was a few grees worse earl e er. them say them got all infection out me head, but some time me wonder. them thot me was go die. them is still no sure if me will be fine. me has be have real bad seisurses. 2-3 an hour an them last for few mins. me has puke so much that it is now just dry heves. puke lot of blood. pain is so bad that any lil thing causes killer pain. blink, breath, type (but me will deal as long as me is get chat wit me friends), swallow, etc. me oxygen mask is bac to 100% wit out it me oxygen is 10%. boo. me is see stuff. animals, monsters, rainbows - me love me rainbows them is so pretty - , fairies, persons, even things that no have life, like a spoon, an well you get point. me hope.

me spell today have been horrible. me has had to real focus hard an work. me has had to delete an fix so many errors. that is why this blog has take so long to spell. if me did no fix it me no think you be able read it. no joke.

me has had real bad day, cuz of be real real sick. but...it has be good nite.

ash skype me for bit. it was good to see her face an hear her voice. an me is pose to skype wit her gain bout 35 mins ago. lol. 1 day an then them is get marry. me is so happy for them. it hurt to smile but me has big smile on me face. that is how happy me is for them, plus me has tears in me eyes when me think bout them. them are sooooo special. me like no love chat wit them both. them make me smile, BIG SMILE, me love them. an me can no wait til me get to visit them an them get to visit me!!! #stok3d

piglet, kara, jenn, bambam, mama canady, shortie, them all say them want visit me, make me smile. what make me frown is them will prob no get to til me is out the hospital. boo!!! me say boo! lol. but me is cited for day when visits get to start whether be in hospital or no.

nite for last, me had dream bout shortie, an then me had dream bout bambam, then me had dream bout a pup. them was weird dreams, shortie was mean, bambam was a demon zombie, an the pup dream some one had broke in me house an me follow them an them was mobsters an it was weird. me no sleep yester nite at all. boo.

them is say me should get out week of thanksgiving if me do no die or have any serious probs. me get go home clean me room - me dad say you can no see me floor an it is me room so me has clean it up -, then me get to do eve thing for thanksgiving - cook, dishes, clean, - an day after us have fam tradition where we go get tree day after thanksgiving. that is alway fun. then me dad may have work black friday, so me is go pray for him an for all others, serious.

me is glad morrow is the last day me has to watch investigation stuff. no joke. me watch it all day cuz me did no want move an no all that puke was from sickness..lol. just say.

me is no sure what me is go do wit me whole weekend but that in it self is go be adventure!

mac n cheese

this post has no thing to do wit mac n cheese....ok, may be jus a small small bit do. haha

me could no fall sleep at all. so 6am this morn me fin fell sleep. no joke. me wake up at 12pm. me ach all over. me would like stretch out. me is go be like the old guy from UP, where him pop out bed an crack crack crack. yep, that is go be me. lol

yester day post me say some bout if the guys get no time. Michael, this kid is real smart an real funny, rank bambam wit batman an chuck norris. still makes me laugh eve time me think bout it. me can just see bambam wit mask cape an ninja cloths.
it was a clever reply but one that also has nother side of thot. am me so low an weak that me can no protect me self, that me would let others do it for me? it was no on this reply but one me other friends say it bout time you start stand up for you self. double blow!!
me do stand up for me self, cept when me is smart an think it is no worth the effort, or kno that all the other person want is argue. me has alway stand up for me self, on time me has no is when me has no be able to or thot it best no to. me has alway protect me self too. no on me, but me family an me friends. me will eve protect strangers. no joke.
so why do me need some one else to protect me or stand up for me? if me can no do it for me self what that say bout me? it is simple, it mean that me is weak, a coward, an selfish. which make me a loser an a jerk!

today me has be tire, but what else is new. me is do better wit breath an me oxygen in me mask has gone down.

me is go have to use money me get from work to go to eye doctor. me right eye is one that is mess up. me was do some an look out on me right eye an it is all blurry thro me glasses. boooo. but it is way over due. 4 years. yep. but if me can get perscription me can get glasses cheap.

me did no get color today. sadness. just like me did no get me shower today. double sadness. me did get mac n cheese today. it did no taste good at all, but me yum it. an it was ok. it was better than mash tatos.

me make me bucket list. there is lot to do on it. half me no think will get done but hey me can try.

lot of me friends are sick today. me no like it. if me could me would take them sickness way. me would rather be sick than them. what a pickle.

2 more days. no on will it be the weekend but it will also mean, NO MORE INVESTIGATION, for 2 hole days! 2 more days an 2 me fav persons are get married!!!!!!!!! 2 more days an then begins the 2 day count down. need less to say, me week next week is go start off bad, an monday is go be a bad day. me wish me could skip it.

me has be member bits an pieces of me college years. it is very frustrate cuz it is just things that no tell me much or that no connect.

since me has alread say me believe there is a god, just no sure what or where it is, or even who, me is go say some else. me think pray is a good idea. even if you do no believe that there is a god or in the god that hears pray, you should try pray. it is a good way to help you unstress. me do it. me just think bout me day an me friends an that is it, but that is me pray.

me got message from Richard, me new friend in Seattle. him tell me to do me research cuz me is in for a big surprise. me has experience many other cultures, an me has be in KC lots. lol.

me was do some think today bout halloween. me thot it be funny to dress me dog Bubbles up as a bunch of bubbles or a bottle of bubbles an me dad dog Elvis as elvis! it would be funny. an cute. me is kind sad me is no go be there for halloween. it is ok tho.
me is kind upset bout leave bubbles here in MO. Me will prob no see her in person for a year or so, an that is real hard to take in. an know me luck me would go way an that would be last time me see her. her is happy wit elvis an me family. her an elvis are best friends, who am me to break them up? who am me to break bubbles heart an mine by seperate us? me wish me could take her wit me, or that me had a pup that was no best friends wit the others me could take wit me, but wishes are dreams that are no mean to be.

me has had good day, but lot things in it are just very sad an try to break me down.

it is a long hard journey. one full of heart ach an pain. one full of mystery an shame. but the on thing me is out to gain, is freedom from all this rain!

blah

now for a real post. that last post was broat to you by me life as a human an no a goose!! :P

late le ever night seem to end wit me fight me motions. me is a very care person. me no like to see other persons hurt sad mad or sick. me care lot for persons who are in me life. so when them is sad hurt mad or sick me is sad hurt mad an sick. it just how me is.
if me is no fight wit me motions me is fight wit the issue of continue me journey or give up. if you was in me shoes me bet you would have this happen all time to. but me go to sleep, if me can, an me wake up, if me is no o read e up.

yester nite was a horrible nite. no joke. there was lot of things me member. an me became so um overwhelmed. an things just keep pile on. me fine came to a point where me said this is either go break me or make me. so me say hey, me is done! me was real upset an hurt wit lot of me friends an lot of things that had go on that day.

now Jamie want to sit there an try get me argue on if jesus is real, if the bible is true, an all this other stuff. me can no argue nothing, me can no even argue me name. no joke. me is no sure if me is for god or no. but it is me choice to make. me is no who me was before. me has relearn lot of stuff. me is go do research an me is go make sure that when me make that choice that me is sure it choice me want make. that right, it me choice, no one else. an trust you me, me is ask hard questions.

me right side of me chest has be tight an in lot of pain last day an today. it hurt to breath in. it is no fun. yester nite me head hurt so much from so many chats go on an other stuff, an it got to point where me was forget ever thing. me had to keep get me bearings ever min or so. me is real tire. on got hour of sleep. me is have seizures gain. boo. bloody nose is become a reg thing too. me still can no move.

that asshole doc was a jerk gain today. him say me is no try hard nuff an it no prisse him when it come to idiots like me. Jasi say me should have use a sign thing that me learn on him but me can no lift me hand an it is some me would feel bad bout later. lol. Jamie is in this same category. him is like me just want help you learn da truth.

me can say this, yester an today, me has seen points for why god do no exist fall thro as lies. but like me say me is go make choice for me self.

me watch movie wit bambam. it was funE movie. it was real good. what was no good is me forgot her. me forgot lot stuff. me whent sleep for hour me wake up an me no know who me is where me is or who anyone else was. it was scare. it was no fun. an me kno it make others feel bad when me forget them. :/ poo.

me has do lot say wit Jasi. Her is real cool person. me real like her lot. her has be real good friend. us have lot in common. her say we twins. this mean me has 3 twins.

me feel me is become distant from me friends. an it is no me, it is me friends. so must mean some is wrong wit me. true story.

me is work on sign. me is watch lot of video in sign. me kno how to sign me can only imagine in sign have for years.

some is wrong wit me head. me is get better at stuff but me memory is get worse. just be warned.
me is no sure where me wheel chair is. maybe the persons decide to no give it to me. sigh.

this is me adventure. it is no very good, o least no right now. but the journey is no over, in fact, it has just began.





police academy

bandages removed.

movie nite

wheel chair

convo wit ash

feel the blue

me wonder if them call it blue cuz when persons got sad them turn blue?

this is a rant. beware!

bambam google + me ask if me delete me facebook. no me say to her. so me spent last 4-5 hours deal wit facebook. first them say me account is suspended for post mean an nasty things. then them say no, it cuz there have be many reports that me facebook account is a fake an that me is no a real people. then it cuz me has multiple accounts, 1 of which is on one me use. final e them give me me account back.

me phone company will no extend me time like them say them will so now me is out 50 that me pay to now on have one week of service.

on top of no be able to access me facebook, when me is able to use it, me is have so many issues wit it that me is like what the point.

me family, main le me brothers, has hacked into me emails myspace an blog an sent emails to friends say me is die, or say stuff that me no say. them has change passwords an all that. an me on find this out by fbi walk in last nite an accuse me of do it.

me was wake up this morn by doc so him could do tests. could them no wait???

so many of me friends are have issues an problem an no so good days or time an me feel helpless, me hate HATE me can no help them.

now me is get emails from random persons who kno me family but me has no eve met, say all sorts stuff.

me is sooooooooooo stress out that the doc has me on extra watch. him is fraid that me is go have stroke or heart attack.

me has a journey, an adventure, but right now me just feel it be better if me let one those beast destroy me, put an end to something that may very well be no mean to be.

is this an adventure or a punishment?

Thursday

me thot me was go sleep for bit an then say wit ash. me no sleep at all. so me watch news think it put me out fo sho. then come to find out it pull me in an me could no stop watch it. Topeka has done way wit law of domestic violence, so now it is ok to beat one nother up. :/ an in washington them is think bout do way wit p&p, so 100's of criminals be walk round have no one keep tabs on them. got to admit, me is lil freak out bout both these issues. an on top that multi vitamins no help but hurt u, so me is go start fuse to take me multi vitamin.

one the nurse that real like me took me to hallway window so me could see the clouds. them was PRETTY! me loves the clouds, storm clouds. big puffy an purple blue.

me did get say wit ash yester nite. just for bit tho. me want her to have time wit stephen. :)

me kind got pinch by some of what lot persons say all day. it no big deal cuz me kno it true, but it jus some me is um sensitive? bout. me spell! it is bad. an me is work on it. me is real try hard. an me say to ash when me say wit her, me no see words way them is see by eve one else. here is few words to help u get what me say (nurse did help me wit this)

me to me is i.    persons is group. people is one.    get mean um sense or um understand.   say mean talk, tell, told, said.    spell mean um write.  no is not.

this is how me brain see stuff. but u can help an um make right when me no say right. it will frustrate me cuz me brain no see that way but me has to learn. an me think some me friends or persons get frustrate wit it. an that make me even more frustrate. *nods* an if any thing me is pinch by me spell cuz me is have hard time wit it. but this me will get better at to.

day me head hurt lot. me feel some one hit me wit hammer. an me chest is hurt. me think me wisdom teeth are fin come in. me right side of me mouth is hurt lot. me teeth are real sharp too. me could cut me tongue in pieces. lol. me is no go to, me is jus say me could. lol. now me can no lift me head at all. nurse prop me up an put pillow hind me head an computer in me lap an hands on it.

few persons keep ask me if me can have visitors, it sad. me want visitors but them have keep me safe. them no kno just how um dangerous? me friends are to gether. hahaha. them will keep me safe. ;) . sad tho me can no see no them faces til the other guy is put behind bars. :/. but in way u can come visit. hahaha. me has find it but me do have skype. me just can no video call or voice call but u can. it no same cuz u can no see me or hear me, no that there is some to hear, an trust me u no want see me face, it no look like me. lol. or if u no time to skype or IM u can make video :). lol, jk. on if u want to. or u can send card or letter or some. kara send me pic of her an me :) wit her card. manda send me chuggers wit her card. it just idea for those who are like me an frustrate that me can no have visitors yet.

mama canady call me mazing young lady. me gree wit most it. haha. me is some what mazing. me is young, an me keep forget me is 22 an no 16, lol. no joke. me kno no why but me just find it weird when persons call me girl or babe or sweets, lady, or even woman. me is use to certain persons call me certain things. so when me here it from some one else, it is weird.
lindsey - girlie   bambam - honey  becks - sweetie  lynn - girl   jess - babe . haha.

me dad say me is very picky, an him is right. lol. but that is main wit food an foot ware.

me say wit jasi for bit. her had good nite an me was glad. her was happy an when her is happy me is happy.

me got a bad message from a friend over some stuff me family start. them was pretend to be me an sent me friend message thro one me emails. them hacked me. them jerks! them has do other stuff too. so now me friend is mad wit me an no say to me, an me guess me no blame them.  it just suck.

me has spend most me day sleep. me has had real weird dreams. them bit scare but it ok. me is real tire. me is wear oxygen mask now. it no longer the nose thing, but the mask. me feel like me can no breath at all. me is no feel well at all. motions get me down an sick kick back up. but me is go try to keep smile on me face.

this day is no over. me adventure is no over. me still has lot of beast to slay, new land to um conquer?, enemies to defeat, an allies to meet. me adventure has just begun, an there is still more to come!

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

legacy

hi!!! u have reach the blog of BAFINATOR!!!

if u is have trouble find me on facebook, us are in same boat. me no kno where me profile went to. either someone is mess wit me, facebook real is do site stuff, or me is offical too awesome to be on facebook an there4 them is make me me own website. me pick numero 4, me has no clue. but me DID NO delete me facebook. as temp as me has be last few week to do so, me has no go there. me has also be think bout creating a 4th facebook, me other to are no delete jus no use like me current one, for all me special friends or true friends. me jus have come up wit cool name for it. 3 brittany frakes is nuff for me. an no me is no go name it amber, yuck! name is cool, me jus no like me middle name.

surgery! docs say went good an them got infection out of me head. now me jus has to get it out me body. month in half o read in hospital has no be fun, an still look at few more weeks, blah! me did lot sleep yester. me even miss most igor cuz me keep snoze off. me watch lot of disney yester nite. munsters has be on too, so me watch that too. black an white show, it funny! me was no very public so me no say lot. me did get say wit bambam, mama canady, ash, an shortie for bit.

me no sleep well. me was worry bout me facebook. first me think o, it be back in bit. then when it no show back up me start think who or why would any1 report me facebook cuz me has no do no thing, so me also start think why facebook would disable or block me facebook wit out warn or email. then me think may be it were fbi try protect me or some like that, no them has no clue. me think me dad mess wit it, but him no have me password. so me is is confuse an frustrate by it. me has email them all nite. - update: me facebook is back up an run. me is go clean out me friends day or morrow.
me is real tire. me is go sleep lot day.

me last blog me was jerk. me no mean to hurt no one. part was fever an me sick brain, part was what me was hold in. me jus could no do it no more an me had let it out. it was like me sick ness an me is sure it was add to me sick ness, it keep get worse an worse an worse.

yester nite me fell sleep for bit an nurse came in an shut tv sound off an turn lite off. me wake some an her ask if me would like listen music, me nod. her took me computer an put on music. her say this was one her favorite stations, some call klove. it real nice stuff. it say bout god an all sort that stuff. it make me feel all warm inside an make me smile an me heart smile. there was this one song that say this - want leave legacy how will them member me? - an me got think bout this. me did no kno what legacy mean, an then song pretty much say what it mean.
this song mind me of LP song, leave out all the rest. in song it say - me dream me was miss an u was so scare but no one would listen cuz no one else care, after me dream me woke wit the fear, what is me leave when me is done here - me real think lot on this.

me think, if me had die in surgery, or die after or soon after, the last thing persons would member bout me is that me fight long time wit sick ness. them member me be sick an that is it. ... that is no what me want. me is no set on change world, cuz that will no ever happen, but me is set on be better people an friend, even family member. me is 22 an what me to show for it? me graduate high school an that bout it. o an pose me went to college for bit.

me read other blogs. me see persons do stuff. me no alway get what me read but me do kno them is do stuff.

me want do stuff to. me no jus want to be nother people who has ordinary life, me want have extra ordinary life.

how is me go do this tho?
first, me figure me has to get better. them say them got infection cut out me head, now to get rest me body to boot the infection an sick ness. this has no be easy at all. me was glad when me woke up an me have no forgot stuff gain. it was real hard type an still is, but me is push thro. it is no go be easy but it will get there.
to, me has get out me town. me no realize how bad an no good for me it is til day or to before surgery. it is real stressful an negative to be round me family. it is time for peace in me life. this is where me is real thankful for real great friends who can get stuff thro this thick head of me. me has kno for long time me need to get out, an me has try for long time to get out an stay out. me has try lot. it get drain after while an start think will no ever happen! me think thing be different this time.

me will go from there. me has no idea what is in me future, but me do kno it better than what is in me past. that is me adventures an it has no just start an it is no bout to end!!