hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.

blah

now for a real post. that last post was broat to you by me life as a human an no a goose!! :P

late le ever night seem to end wit me fight me motions. me is a very care person. me no like to see other persons hurt sad mad or sick. me care lot for persons who are in me life. so when them is sad hurt mad or sick me is sad hurt mad an sick. it just how me is.
if me is no fight wit me motions me is fight wit the issue of continue me journey or give up. if you was in me shoes me bet you would have this happen all time to. but me go to sleep, if me can, an me wake up, if me is no o read e up.

yester nite was a horrible nite. no joke. there was lot of things me member. an me became so um overwhelmed. an things just keep pile on. me fine came to a point where me said this is either go break me or make me. so me say hey, me is done! me was real upset an hurt wit lot of me friends an lot of things that had go on that day.

now Jamie want to sit there an try get me argue on if jesus is real, if the bible is true, an all this other stuff. me can no argue nothing, me can no even argue me name. no joke. me is no sure if me is for god or no. but it is me choice to make. me is no who me was before. me has relearn lot of stuff. me is go do research an me is go make sure that when me make that choice that me is sure it choice me want make. that right, it me choice, no one else. an trust you me, me is ask hard questions.

me right side of me chest has be tight an in lot of pain last day an today. it hurt to breath in. it is no fun. yester nite me head hurt so much from so many chats go on an other stuff, an it got to point where me was forget ever thing. me had to keep get me bearings ever min or so. me is real tire. on got hour of sleep. me is have seizures gain. boo. bloody nose is become a reg thing too. me still can no move.

that asshole doc was a jerk gain today. him say me is no try hard nuff an it no prisse him when it come to idiots like me. Jasi say me should have use a sign thing that me learn on him but me can no lift me hand an it is some me would feel bad bout later. lol. Jamie is in this same category. him is like me just want help you learn da truth.

me can say this, yester an today, me has seen points for why god do no exist fall thro as lies. but like me say me is go make choice for me self.

me watch movie wit bambam. it was funE movie. it was real good. what was no good is me forgot her. me forgot lot stuff. me whent sleep for hour me wake up an me no know who me is where me is or who anyone else was. it was scare. it was no fun. an me kno it make others feel bad when me forget them. :/ poo.

me has do lot say wit Jasi. Her is real cool person. me real like her lot. her has be real good friend. us have lot in common. her say we twins. this mean me has 3 twins.

me feel me is become distant from me friends. an it is no me, it is me friends. so must mean some is wrong wit me. true story.

me is work on sign. me is watch lot of video in sign. me kno how to sign me can only imagine in sign have for years.

some is wrong wit me head. me is get better at stuff but me memory is get worse. just be warned.
me is no sure where me wheel chair is. maybe the persons decide to no give it to me. sigh.

this is me adventure. it is no very good, o least no right now. but the journey is no over, in fact, it has just began.





police academy

bandages removed.

movie nite

wheel chair

convo wit ash

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

let it all out

me is go be honest in this post. no that me is no alread honest. me jus has hold back on some thing. so me is go post this before me surgery. me surgery start at 10am me time an me should be done an out no late than 10pm, if thing go good it could be before that.

one me friends say me, eve one is hard on them self. me kno me is hard on me. me has lot to be hard on me bout. me do blame me for lot stuff. me should be like me bros an sis, on drugs get drink eve night, sleep round, steal lie an cheat. me should be more mess up than them. me chose no to tho. me has say to bambam there is lot me has no eve say to anyone. me use bury stuff an that last of it. that how me deal. an it no affect me. it jus when some big happen an me get emotion me get real emotion.
me blame me for be sick. them is alway say, u got think good thots so u can get better, them are no here, them are no me, yes them may have been in place like this or like me, but them is no go thro what me go thro. me know that harsh but it true an me think them gree. us no ever kno exact how people feel cuz us no ever them. me hard have good thing to think bout.

few thing bout me:
     - when me is feel bad me like to make others feel good
     - me no can stand when one me friends is no feel good, or is down, an me will do what eve me can to make them feel better an make them happy
     - me no hate no one, me no get angry, me hard eve get mad, an me is alway nice an love toward even the mean people
    - me would give clothes off me back, sell me car, give up all me stuff to help some one else out. me would do wit out um hesitation

sense me be honest me is go just say it. me guess all them bad things are ones that are loud er than them good things. me do feel like worthless piece junk. me feel no mat how hard me work or how good me is that it jus no do. me has be try to get better an it sound like for bit there me was o most all better. but me is now worse off. me hear bad stuff lot dur day, no so much on facebook now as other places. it me fault me is sick. it me fault me go die. it me fault that no one in world give fly flip bout me. me is junk, me is trash, me is worthless, me is dumb, me is freak, me is retard, me is....(   ). so much more. or is it me is so much more than all that. rare do me feel like me is any thing.

me feel like me friends void me. me is no say bout  ones me kno is busy wit work. it ok tho, me has alway be voided. me is go clean out me friends but may be me jus delete me facebook, no replace me sim card, honest, who would miss me? no me. me say if u want be me friend be me friend, if no then unfriend me, it no that hard. me is tire of fake friends. me has start delete some persons alread.

me is sort hope me die on surgery table. me can no stand this be lone. an me friends say all u have do is reach out, me has an all it got me is no thing. me say all time, me welcome the company. me is lone. u know me has no one here, cuz me can no cuz me is a dumb idiot, so that should say, hey, her is lone, me should drop her message or text an start chat wit her. me is tire be the one to reach out. use if it no me say no thing then no thing is say an people me bet no even kno me exist. me do no want spend nother day here lone. u can keep say u wit me in thot but it no help, it real no do. an me must be bad person or say some that is mean an jerk, eve day it seem persons say wit me lil bit less than before. gain, me is no worth it.

so please say me why me should fight? why should me fight to live? spend nother month or 2 in a room that all white no window an no see persons hard at all?

this can all be sick an fever an no sleep, but me is sure this how me feel. an if u no like me blog u no have read it.

me real jus want to be out here, wit friends, or do some eve if it sleep wit me dog an cat. sigh, but me is no an me has to deal.

there is no easy part to any this. no single thing is easy. but me guess it time for me be super man gain an do all this wit smile on me face an do it lone. put that zipper back where it belong an relearn that some thing just are no mean to be seen or hear.

me found this poem an it seem it was spell bout me. me is go share.

Fighting Alone - Anonymous
 
As long as you don't say anything
everything seems fine
& no one will know
what's really on your mind
& as time goes by
you realize you just can't win
cause the heart breaking pain
will forever remain within
while everyone is rising
back on their feet
your left on the ground
broken by defeat
& once you think you've done all you can
everything in your life falls apart
you try to catch the falling pieces
in your pain stricken hands
but the task is impossible to do
because their too small
like the grains of sand.

grave digger

this could be me last blog. no cuz me go stop spell but cuz me may be in me last hours. but this could be you last hour too. any hour can be our last hour.

yester nite me temp go up 5 degree in 90mins. me got real sick. me puke blood an what eve else me body could. me start shake lot. me were real cold at first an then me go back an forth from cold to hot. me have lot pain. feel like some one is over an over stab me an kick me. me head is hurt lot. me has had 4 seizures since 2am. me is see stuff an hear stuff. me is dizzy. it hard breathe. all this is still go  on.
them has do tests an scans since all this start. me has no be able sleep. them no let me sleep. them fraid me go into coma an die. them has no idea what wrong wit me. me temp right now is 106.4.

me friends are mazing. me love them. me love you. me would love have friend here to hold me an tell me it all go be ok. me know that sound weird, but me is so tire of be in this room lone. no at all.

persons say them are proud of me, them is honored to be me friend, but me has no do no thing for persons be proud or honored. if me do any thing it is complain lots.

me ask michael bout heaven an him say to me not much but nuff that me got it. him say that when you get to heaven it like big party. him also say that there be many persons that would miss me if me go. me is try believe him but it hard.

me say to me friend that me no know if me make it to her wedding. her is mad at me. me feel real bad bout it. me can no help it.

me an Jasi watch movie nite an it had part that cause me to member why me is in hospital. me an me stupid self. me still blame me for it. no matter what persons say me think me will alway blame me or it will take while til me no do.

me had scan. me hope them find some. me was in bathroom an me look in mirror an you can see where one scar is cuz hair is gone. lol.

shortie say she tire and was go to bed and me say to her goodbye like it be last goodbye ever. it no make me feel good at all.

me is very lone here. me feel very lone. me know that some me friends no know what to say but me wish them just say something. say wit me, ask me some asks, or something. it be better than me feel like me is some sort disease that them can no even say to.

me feel like me should be dig me own grave. just dig hole an you can throw me in it. that is how me feel. this is me blog. this is me life. me is no who me use be. me feel like kid. me has to relearn ever thing an me has learn how walk lit an non lit on me own gain. battle up for war, fight me battle, an be a victor. or least try.