my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

WED day

yester nite me temp went back up to 105.9. right now it is 106.2. me could no sleep so me watch movies all nite til 6, n then me fell sleep. me sleep til 830.

me talk wit bambam yester nite. me love her. her is one me heros. her is so strong even when her think her no. me is learn so much from her. her is a mazing person, friend, an sister. her say her is go skype wit me sometime day. :D that make me happy!

me felt kind bad that me fell sleep. me is one who say me is alway there, an it no matter the time that you can alway text me or call me, well cept now you can no, an me will be there when you need me. well ash text me just after me fell sleep. me felt bad cuz this was one those times me was no there.

today is ash an stephen wed. pose to skype it for me. even if them do no, me is happy for them. them has be wait long time for this. even tho it short time, it has be long in them minds. me is sad that me will no get talk wit either one them for o most a whole week but it is ok. them is go have fun on them honeymoon. me know where them is go, but them no know that me know. lol.
shortie ask me if me had gift for them an me say me sort do. me is no good at shop for wed or birthday or anything. haha. me use has some one wit me who is good at this stuff, or me has someone do it for me. lol. me is go make them some tho. when me can do stuff wit out it look like a baby done it.

bambam say that me should no do anything when me go home, or no at first. me gree but it will no happen. me just know me will have to wash stuff so me can have clean bedding, have to pick stuff up off floor so me can walk thro me room, prob check animals to make sure all 14 of them are fine an have food water an fresh bedding/litter. then me is prob go have to do all dishes in sight. try ing to get 2 teenage boys to do anything to help out round the house is hard. or impossible when it comes to me brothers. then if me dad forget to get stuff, an him will, me will be go to the store to get what him forgot. then there is the cook, an then the clean up. an then the next day come one of the things that me look forward to eve year. we get the christmas tree! last 2 years us have use me car, but me is no sure if it is go happen this year or no. any way, we go as fam usu, an us find tree an it use be me dad cut it down but now me twin cut it down, while me pull to help make it go faster, an then me an one me bros carry it to be pick up. stardust has no ever see a real christmas tree, this will be awesome, me just hope him no try to climb it. lol. then usu some time in next week we decorate it.

when it come to drive round tho. me think me is go have let me brother, dustin, who can drive but is no legal, drive me round. me was one who taught him to drive, so me hope him no try kill me. lol.

an then me has o most nuff pillows at home that me can make me self comfy in me futon. me wish matress was no so thin but it is ok.


shortie an me make this evil guy so we could destroy him. it sound fun at first an then me start think me no want to think bout kill someone right now, even if them is no real. so when her ask me waht me was go do to him me say me is go hug him. our hugs broke the evil curse on Tina n now him is good!

me watch ghost whisperer at 1am it was the christmas episode. me has on seen that show 2ice. before that me watch fraiser. it was funny stuff.

me think tonite me is go watch phantom of the opera if no other plans come up. piglet an jasi say them both may try skype wit me, so me may have plans, or maybe one me friends will be like hey, want watch movie, an if me is alive an awake, me will belike umYEAH!lol.

me is no go lie tho, me eyes are tire. an me is so weak. it is work just to breath. lol. but me has smile on me face. sorts, it is no a baf smile but it is no  frown or a me is die face.

me can no wait til me is out of here, then me can act skype. me has be tempt tho to go head an unmute me mics or even just show me web cam. bt me no want lose me laptop. no no.

me is no sure me is go get that wheel chair. me no think me is, them were pose to give address for one me persons to go pick it up at but that has no happen. so me guess if there is day me feel me can no do some or me friends an me go some where an me is no able to walk me will just have sit an let them wonder round. me no mind. me is happy when me friends are happy.

me is bruise lot easy. me no ever bruise but me is no an it is no hard to give me one. the guard drop the movie on me arm an now there is big bruise. ya...from movie that weigh like no even 1/2 lb.

ash could no get skype to work. it was sad. me no get see wedding, bt it is ok. them is marry now an me is very very happy for them!!! me love ash an stephen so much!!!!

bambam an me watch movie. haha. her is very good but also very bad at pick movies. lol. the movies her pick are very good, but them is ones that make me heart sink to me stomach an tears rise in me eyes. us watch lifted...an if you have no see it, beware, me had stop it. me was sob thro most the last half.
in so many part of that movie, me would think, me has be there, me has be there...no joke. me mom alway pick guys that had no respect for anyone but them. an her would alway bring us kid round them. her would be so high that any one of her guy friends could have kill us an her would no have cared or even realize it. her guy friends would be jerks. wit some them we even look at them in any way an them would beat the crap out us. me would never let them touch me sibs. me alway step in an protect them, took their beat. mom would sit there an watch it or even help. me can no tell you how many times me dump alcohol, or flush drugs, an turn round an take care of me mom. one time us went see me "grandpa" - mom dad - an him beat the crud out me for refuse do some for him. us would go home tell me dad what happen an him would turn round do the same thing say me was lie.
me mom did start go to meetings tho. me hated go to them wit her. me know them helped her but me hated go to them. an then me aunt start go to, an me still hated go. me still will no go if ask.
lot time music would be the on escape me had. me would go in me room, block the door, an blast me music. there are time me still do that, if me is real mad or real sad. me would use music to drown out all the noise, the fights, the yell, the pound, the threats. an still do.
the movie was sort a tribute to those who have serve in military an them families, especial those who have die in service. it is a remind that them have give them life but them is no gone.
made me real sad. me miss Chris Link, lots. an me granpa was air force, an me miss him lots too.

after the movie, bambam an me skype! it was good ok great to see her face an here her voice. an her was the bambam me member. her is very silly. lol. but her is very precious to me!

me was go take nap for bit an then them come in an ask if me want shower/bath. me was like, yea! haha. me is clean. me is just real hot an start smell funny gain. lol. after shower me went to have scans. them say there is small area of puss but them think them can kill it wit some meds.

now me is back in me room. bambam is go skype wit me gain! woot! an mama canady may join in! hurray!

me no think me is go watch phantom of opera tonight.

me has a new name for me seisures, them are me bad moments. me is no sure why me is sick or why me body will no heal, it is very sad.

it is just another mystery to be solved in this part of me adventure.

sleep

sleep. me love an hate it at same time. me no eve feel like me can get nuff an then when me do feel me get nuff me spend me whole day be tire like me has no sleep. grrr

sunday me spent in surgery. me wake up after surgery long nuff say hi to few persons. me was tire tho so me sleep. monday me sleep lots. yester me sleep no lot but more than me use do. me was freak out bout me facebook so me no got much sleep monday nite.

me no get say wit shortie much. me miss her. me did get say wit piglet bit before her turn shepherds, no kno if it the dog or persons (job no last name), into pie. me also got say wit josi for bit, her is real cool. me got say wit jasi too, her is no feel well an me worry bout her. me think her is go be real good at her job, her is real real good at it, her just no kno it that well yet. me got say wit ash lot. it was nice. me love say wit her. her made me cry wit her blog but it was good cry. made me feel real special. me is cited for them wedding, tho me no be there, me get see them grow young gether. me got say wit bambam too. me love that kid. haha. her think her is old, blah! me think her an few other me friends go be tire today cuz me no sleep well for us at all. so if them is grouchy it me fault. give them some ice cream!
me love all me friends lots. them make me heart happy. them help get me thro the day. them make me feel all warm inside.

me was go to go to bed at 9 an me did no fall sleep til 2 :/. me had dream me dad die. me was real sad. me wake up an me sent me dad message to make sure him ok. him is. the dream was no real but it has be very upset for me day.

yester me post was legacy. me no think me was clear on some of it. so me is go be clear here. me had dreams an me think me was work on them. me has to find new dreams now. friends keep say no give up on u dreams jus yet but me big one me kno me has no chance at now. guess it was no mean to be.
me will find new dreams an jus um adjust? me old ones. me legacy tho is no go be the one that was alway fight sick ness. no. me legacy is go be some much better then that.

monday when me could no sleep, me was stalk persons, lol. me found that most me friends are real deal wit motions an me say me no want add to it, well as much as me can help me do no want to. so me blog is go be different for now on. me is no go drain me friends but fill them wit as much encourage an positive an love as me can. me is no go post me blog wit motion galor in it. me is go help me friends be ease wit them day. an hope i t will help me too. if all fail, me has that post that is draft me can add too, lol.

me is no out to change the world me is out to change hearts.

me eyes hurt an me body is want sleep but me try an it will no sleep. me jus think me stay up til 6-7 an then me go sleep. me has be watch wizards of waverly place. glee was no on yester nite an it make me sad bit. one the nurse bring ice cream in. choc sensation an birthday cake. me like mix them gether. it is real good that way. it was way better than mash tatos, yogurt, app sauce, an soup. them is go start me on protien shake soon so me can start gain weight. them want make me fat, lol. me want steak med rare, chicken, ghetti, all sorts stuff. me tum is alway roar. me is drink lot of water.
as for walk, me is to tire an to weak. me is have trouble get me strength. me has hard time lift me head or arm. it take me ever to spell me posts. that why them is no that long.
them say me could get thing that all me has do is touch pic an it say word an say for me. me is no go be lazy. me is go speak for me one of these days. til then me can learn sign an me can type. it frustrate nurse an doc that me no use signs them have for me but me has to learn to do things.
me is get me own chair on wheels. it be nice have when me has bad days an until me can feel ok to walk long time on me own. it no new one but that ok. some one who read me blog say them want help an have one that me can have. so it is cool nice thing. them no live to far from me home town. it is real awesome an helps mind me that there is more kind nice persons than me think.

me has got to say wit stephen bit. it was nice. me is go take nap so me can say wit ash later. me is wake up at 7. me also got say wit kara for bit. me miss them faces!
stephen an ash have be big encourage in me life. me would no have made thro some or many nites wit out them help. me is thank to have them in me life. them is to friends me cherish.

me got me sim card day. but now have to fight wit phone company over minute thing. me is pose to have me time extend but me has no time at all. boo.

bambam is no have good day an me is try to help her feel better. me no think it is work tho. me post video on her wall. the song sound like some me hear before. me also has this song stuck in me head. it goes - u no have to worry an do no u be fraid, joy come in morn ... - me feel her need hear that song too but me can no find it.

sometime me has these thots an sometime me say stuff an no kno why. an me will say, me no kno why me say or do that but me did. may be it me mind try fix self. me no kno.

u will hear bout rest me nite morrow. eve day is an adventure. a journey wit new things, place, an persons! this is me adventure an one me hope u will be part of!!

perfection is on imperfection at it best

ever day us change us is no who us were 2 year go, 2 month go, 2 day go, 2 hour go, 2 min go, or even 2 secs go. us are um constantly grow. me is no who me use be, me is no who me go be.

bambam has say to me, me is perfect, but me think perfect is on imperfect at it best. u can no have perfect less u have imperfect. me member some stuff some one say me. god kno this very idea. him is perfect an to keep him perfection him create us. us is his imperfection. just a thought.

me is no perfect, me is no eve good. me right now is mean jerk. me is hurt, yes physical but also personal.

me love me friends wit all me has. me alway will. even if me can no stand to see you face or name or be round u, once u in me heart u is there for life.
me has had trouble member me friends late le. me try me best tho to member them. me put stick note on all over wit names an all sort stuff so if me forget me have help member.

me has pneucoccos meninjitis or some like that. them just now figure that out after 5 weeks be here. there other stuff to but them got that in first to weeks me here, or so them say. them is say bout put feed tube back in. um no. me i s so yum but when me eat me feel like me go puke, or me do. me temp is 104.8 an me heart beat real fast. them had stick to ivs in one arm. them hurt. me is real real hot. me keep have bad shakes, them call seisure. me head hurt lot, worse than ever. me is tire all time, me nap all time, use on for 20-30 mins, an me still have trouble wake up even tho me body want me to. me is puke all time. me on has one lite on in me room cuz it hurt to have brite lites on. me can move me neck all time cuz it hurt lot.me was go say some but me forgot. me can no reach chuggers or me books or me cards an them no hand them to me.
them say puss is grow from crown of me head to back me head. them say them want take it out in surgery bt want wait see if drugs kill lot of it.
right now me would no care if this kill me.

me is so tire of hear, when u are better, then... if me is no better an still sick then no one want anything do wit me, but once me better then them do stuff wit me. me be sick an just die on floor in me room in me dad home, that how me feel. me kno me is sick but me is how feel. me is tire be treat like me is some disease people that if u come any where near me u will die. it no true, me would give any thing for someone be here wit me.

HEAR ME, me want u company. if u no kno what say then just say me bout you day or ask me stuff. me real do feel all lone. me no want bother any one, me feel like me burden alread. but please no just ignore me cuz u no get or no kno what say. u say no thing make me feel like me is no thing. worthless. no worth it. may be me is just no worth it. which is fine wit me, cuz that how it be me whole life.

me dad sent me mail. in mail was letter from me mom to her boy friend at time. it real hurt me wit what it say. just mind me of how much me mom hated me. an now me have no mom. me kno that if there be anyone who read this pathetic blog that u no kno what it like to live wit a mom who hate you. me mean lit. one day her came into me room cry. me ask her why. her was upset me had cut me out eve pic her had. me felt bad bout it but me say to her, me did it cuz u no love me, u no want me. her say that that was a selfish thing to do.

me is a selfish, worthless, stupid, jerk.

weekend

friday nite me was go watch movie wit shortie but her show say yes to dress was on. so me watch the karate kid an karate kid 2.
me was no feel to good. me was real sad but me no want say no one that.


me no got but 3 hours sleep an that was early sat morn. me spent most day in bed. me no care to do no thing. me no eve care if me got better or no. it was how me felt. me post blog an one me friends left comment an it made me feel real bad. it was harsh but true.
me talk wit few friends an bambam bout how me felt. me felt bad bout some things me had say but it was how me felt.
me spend most me day in bed watch big bad beattleborgs. me felt better after me talk wit me friends.

me no get bed til 3am. me sleep til noon. me had bad dream. me mom was go kill her self an me was try save her. me no did save her. me woke up cry instead. me was think day was go be like yester day. it was no tho. me talk more than me use do. bambam say me a few thing, o most like a story.
me learn bout the type foods me need eat in me diet. fats. like steak an chicken. me know me also need find protein shake. me weigh 100lbs. me just check. so me has lost o most 30 lbs in o most 5 weeks. me need start put weight back on. me also need start work out. me has be work on build leg muscles an arm muscles. even when me out of hospital me has go for pt few times week. me sat outside for bit. nurse made me go out. made me stay out there for while. me came back in an me is now under 4 blankets shake cuz me so cold.
me is tire an read for some more yum.

this be me weekend. me is read to start new week.