my shoes

i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.

i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.

last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.

pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.

i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.

i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her. 

some things i want to eat  when i get out of here -

pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.

on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.

typical. there is nothing typical about me.

last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone  chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.

Paranoid

its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.

   

yes listen to this video as you read!!

i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life. 

i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen. 

its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder. 

its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries. 

paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever. 

my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas.  my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here. 

Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs. 

i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas. 

thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.

i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke. 

pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.

at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit. 

when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.

so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless. 

so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined. 

why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.

goodnight

during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.

last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.

if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.

i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.

today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.

me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.

there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.

pray dream or head dream

me have weird dreams an me go talk you bout it.

this me have sunday nite. 
               all me friends were there. all me friends from, me think college. Sara Mcguire, Nikki Canady, Patty Harness, Valerie Frankie, Becky an James Cross, Amanda Cairney, Ashley and Paul Cockram, and so many more. there were hundreds. us were meet at building that have big hill. me got there an all read on hill waiting. me was suppose be in hospital but them let me out for one day to see all me friends. me was walk down side walk to go be wit friends an me got to curb. me try step down but me fell an hit head. boo. me lay there for few bit and held me head. then me get up. me try walk cross street but me lost balance an had grab hold blue van to help me. real old lady came an give me blue cane. me had at start of dream but me must drop it. her talk me get in van. me did and then me talk me friends over there us got talk them where to go. me an me cane got out an start walk over there. me got there. me spend bit wit friends. then in flash us all at me granma's house on her front lon. me went in an say wit her bit. than me go outside wit friends. all friends start go house to home wit red bags. me think them get stuff from persons. there was tent in my granmas lon an um me can hear noises come out it. that all me talk bout that, lol. me was up walk wit friends then me get back to lon and fall back and take nap. me felt hands on me an me hear persons pray. then some in me hurt an me open eyes. me friends were all round me. few bit later an them all get up an walk up the street out of see. me wait bit then me talk persons in tent all them left and me follow. me found me in a building and this guy was try help me get out. him go look for map to help me find st. jo. him say me in texas. him help me get out door and me walk onto parking lot wit lots an lots of persons. me ran try to find me friends. me ask an no one can help. me make up hill an then me fall in water. boy came carry me out. him took giant snowman head wit 3 tube an put one in me mouth. him blow in it an me start breath. then me woke up.

this me have saturday nite

              me was at a home. me friend call me talk them found some and them be dig from 9:30pm til 7am an no be home that nite. me question if need help an them talk on if me want dig. me talk yes. them talk some be over get me. next thing me go down big street toward dark stormy cloud. me sister rachael were walk too an stardust were follow we. some guys get in way me talk her took stardust an go home. in road dark cloud was spin an most on road. me got past guys an walk to me dads house. stardust ran off an me had go next door an get him. family got in fight so me call me friend an them talk me to never call gain that all world hate me and the storm were go took me out all lives. then me wake up. no zombies. it just make me feel that me no real wanted any where. an remind me that me stick in dark

me have this one days go.

                         me keep go from hospital to hospital an before me go to next hospital me was out wit friends on roof lay on carry board. me go to next hospital. me was in room an me was wake up slowly me saw someone make card an it tape to window by door. there was 3 strips red paper also tape there next to it. me look over an there me friend Valerie sit next me bed. her get up to walk some but me know her bin there hole time. me woke up. - dream make me feel comfortable. me was sad me had no friends there wit me but me no wait see them. :)

me  have this dream days before that dream.

               me was out in parking lot an me big sis becks show up in lil dark blu jeep. her talk me get in so me do. her ask me how me am an us say. - no much happen in dream but me sleep good an me feel safe wit me sis. it was nice dream.

me think that some dreams me have cuz persons pray. me think some dream are cuz me head no sleep when me do. it be bad. lol. 

4 Weeks An Counting

me no spell good so you have deal wit it! :)


me be here 4 weeks. me know no what happen or why me here other than me brain got real sick. me got real sick too. me hope tho that me on be here one more week.


Yester day me got took real shower. me got unstink. me smell real bad before me shower. me was scare me head look all ugly an like crack up egg. but it no look bad. me look like peach with marks on it. doc talk them fix up scars so them no that noticable. this make me smile. me no want scare children or me when me pass mirror? or windows. lol. me do has some hair. it no long, but me like feel it, it all smooth an nice. me no suppose rub it but me think it feel weird, sort in bad way, when me head is touch an you no can real feel dents. me forgot what them talk them did but some new thing. at least it no metal. lol. think try get thro airport or courthouse, lol.


me have be work to look out window. me want to see what out there an me hope it pretty. me member bambam talk me once her want send flowers. me look round me room and flowers be pretty in here. me start off an me could on stand 30secs me still no able stand well or balance well. me use monitor iv thing hold on to and try walk. me got 2 step then 3 steps and now 8 STEPS!!! that LOT for me. me o most make to window. me can see top trees an then me had grab chair on wheels an sit. sigh, me make to window soon.

me phone mess up. it turn on an go service day screen and then restart gain. me no money get replace, so me hope phone company replace it or fix it. net10 sucks. yep. me on have phone 3 months.

me thought me were go lose job but me found out me get more hours. so me go work 15 hours week.

also me look at canes an cute hats. me found few me like. blue cane that folds, me no know if me like that it fold or not but it got cushion handle. an hat blue plad, an other white wit black strips. me no know how me go get them but me know if there will there way, or me think that what them talk.

me be learn bout god, bible, jesus, pray, christian, an all stuff. me like it. me friends are very mazing an help me learn. them have talk lot over an over but that how me get it. me have child bible and adult bible, me read story every day out child bible. me like them pics. me no get story bout babel tower. me read story an put asks down an give to friends an me learn lot bout story from them. me learn lot bout hell. me no want no one go hell. make me heart hurt an me eyes cry. so me do lot pray so may be no many go hell.

me went to get adult bible and me fell an cut me up lip open. it no fun. it big an hurt. me feel like fish. lol.

yester me got box from mail. it have card an stuff animal in it. me love both. me name dog chuggers. him small but him cute an soft. me have got two cards an that all. that fine, me no think me get anything. me read them every day. me also got video on facebook an me watch that few times day. them make me happy and feel better. :D

me watch storm chasers an now me watch qvc christmas show. lol. me love christmas. me decide me want lil drummer boy figure for present. me fav song, me no member why. me play drums, maybe that why. me go bed soon.

me feel better me temp is 99.4 an be that way for few day me think. me alway have pain. me head hurt lot. me no sleep good so me alway tire. them took me off most medicine to see how me react an so far me do good!

tomorrow me have pt. may be me say them take me outside some time?!

me need try sleep now, me cold, so me get warm. lol.