Flight

yesterday as a real hard day for me. i was sooo down. i have not been that down in a long time. many times i will post a status, an that is how i will feel in the moment. sure i struggle wit stuff every hour of every day. i get down a lot. it is hard not too. esp when a lot of things suck. but last night, yesterday, i was fighting wit the thot that i had lost everything an everyone. never, in my whole time be here, had i felt as alone as i had yesterday. ya there was a guard, nurses, doctors, therapists coming in an out, but i felt i had lost all my friends, family, all hope.

i slept really good last night. i put pandora on my the classic crime station, an woke up with it on. my phone was also really hot. reminder to never leave it under my pillow again.

i had pt at 9. decided to do both sessions at one time. breaked for lunch. today we worked on standing. i was get so frustrate because i could not stand. finally i worked it up to where i could stand for 10 seconds wit the help of me cane. idea is to build arm strength an leg strength, arms so that when my legs are weak i can stillhold myself up. leg strength, so i can walk. for the brain, memory games. i can play them on the computer too, but it is always good to have another person there to play wit. - me is go get a memory game, or find one, an a few other games we use, an well i will tell you in a bit. - we are work on hum too. hha, it is funny. i finished pt around 2. an boy am i pooped.

i decided that when i went to bed, that this down ness an alone ness was not go to keep me from kickn butt. last night was horrible. i was ready to go to sleep an never wake up again. no joke.

i woke up an my fever had broke, my temp 99.7.

i was look at my aol mail or try to an there was this thing on there, flights for 59$.  so i was like hey, easy way to go to visit bambam an mama canady in january/feb. i did all the stuff, $270 for round trip,  not bad but still alot. so, stephen talked about kickn the butt of stuff on our to do list. well....one thing is to go visit seattle. so maybe...haha, in my far away dreams, we could make that happen...road trip?! . lol. it would be nice to have a road trip, but i can also pay for  a ticket. just have to talk with the canady's about stuff, details. yo. haha.

stephen jones is amazing no joke! totally made my day! i had posted about the conrad murry verdict. stephen sent me a message an this is how it went.

stephen - is conrad murry one of the guys who attacked you?
me        - ahaha...no...its michael jacksons doctor.
stephen - oh! lol. that goes to show how often i watch the news.

it was great. too funny. i do not like judging people. i do not think it is our place to judge. it was crazy what the people react to the guilty verdict. some fainted, others cheered, it was weird. this leads me to my next thing.

the trial. it is good that the only thing i have to do is sign yes or no. they have a video testimony. an another person who has come forward an is testifying. i will say it will bring relief to heard the words, we find them guilty! there are fears, valid ones, like what happens if one of them is not found guilty...the trial is go to be a hard thing to go thro.

i am excited to visit the jones. to do things with them. looks like i will get to test both the new bed an couch. lol. but their couch looks pretty comfy.

i was able to help a friend today. or at least i hope i helped.

the conversation of faith an god came up, an it really frustrates me that i cannot answer their questions or stuff like that. do i have faith?  if faith is hope then yes. it is hard stuff. no joke.

to end. bambam was talk bout music playlist of hers. i have found a few songs that i really like. strong enough. alone by FF5, alone by RED, and a song by city harmonics. greyson chance has some cool songs too.

i am spend my night listen to the rain, an watch fairly odd parents.

frakes

today has just not been my day. no joke.

it is easy to change you phone number, it is easy to block people on facebook an IM, what is not easy is blocking people from email. i could change my email, but seriously do not want to. no joke.

my family is no good. i love them wit all me heart, but i cannot wait to get away from them. granted i am, but this is only temporary. i have put up wit sooooooo much from them. the chaos, the fighting, the unlimited abuse, the drama, the drugs, the disrespect...an so much more. it is time to get away from them. no joke.

most my friends do not get to meet my family, cept for me granma, for good reason.

let me tell you some bout me family.

me mom - a druggie, alcoholic, slept round, chose men over her kids, then let those men treat us however, married a minister who beat the crap out her an us (me) kids. she kicked me out in the middle of winter an made me sleep in the dog house wit both me dogs. last words her say to me were i hate you. now she is dead.

me aunt - moms twin, the oldest, did the same things, drugs, alcohol, men, but she married a man who is occasional abusive. she was there when me mom was not, an sometimes we call her mom. she is a constant reminder of my mom.

me dad - him is quiet, drinks, runs his mouth, on occassion is physical abusive, but now it is a real rare thing, he has kicked me out so many times. he works alot.

dustin - my twin - he is 4 years younger than me - he is 18, high school drop out, druggie, drinks, is part of a "gang", think he is the next eminem. he does nothing to help anyone. he goes out gets high an then goes home an sleeps all day. he is disrespectful. he steals, lies, cheats, sleeps around, and is pure lazy. none the less him is me fav, an not only cuz him is me twin.if you do not believe us is twins, ask anyone who has see us in person or look at photos of us. no joke.

rachael - 20. always poor me an everyones fault but hers story. drugs, alcohol, boys - under age -, drama like none other. her an dustin both sell drugs. always try to drag us into her problems

alan - 16, gay/bi - cannot make up his mind, in multi relations, does stuff with older people - cough cough - has a bad past. smokes, drugs, drinks, steals. has no job. drama queen. anger problem, yells, shouts, gets abusive, an is very disrespectful.

i love them all. but i seriously cannot take them drama. i have a post that is not published called dear god. in it i say this - is it too much to ask for a peaceful, clean, drama free home, with no drugs, drunkedness, abuse, where everyone is respectful, helps out?!

the only one that makes it really hard to leave is me granma. you are not going to leave, or brittany is not going to leave, or you are the only person i got. i love me granma. her is very old, an sweet.

it urks my buttons that my dad did not let me get away with nothing like what my sibs are get away with. him says things an then changes them an calls me a lier when i confront him about it.

i am def spending thanksgiving wit me family. but am thinking about finding somewhere else to spend christmas.

an it will be a breath of fresh air when i get where i am going an not have to walk into a house where i am judged constantly, bullied, disrespected, an treated like a dog instead of a part of the family.

today i was put down by my family in emails, an ims, an facebook messages, it is a constant thing, but today was just over the edge. an they made me feel like crap. an i got really insecure about me an my friends. for a long while, i had thot that they had all given up on me. it is a daily thot. but that is how my mind is working.

i am a freaking 22 year old that is on the level of a 2 year old in a lot of ways, trying to get thro elementary school, so i can graduate into adult hood with the parts of me that are already there. it is not fair, to me or anyone else, esp my friends. i am sure that them do not want to be go thro this wit me, but me is thankful for the ones that are. my family sure has not be any support.

i am a frakes, a romer, a baf. i am not my family, i am me. that is all.

Truth

for the last few weeks if not month month in a half, i have been try to put the pieces of my life, mind, an self together. try to figure out who i am, what was once in the gaps  in me memory, who are me friends, who people are, etc. an most of all try to find what it is i believe.
most this stuff there is not one person me has said any of this too, well typed, you all know what me means. me did not say it because me already feels dumb an retarded as it is. already feel me friends get frustrate wit the way me is sometime. i know me do, an if me do then others do too. so here it goes.

unless me talk to you on a often basis, me will forget you, or stuff bout you. it took me forever to remember bambam's name an nickname. no joke. an there are days that me will get some thing from her, a text or message or card, an me will not know who her is. there are days that it takes a while when talk to ash that me be like o, me know who you are. me no ever say this tho. it is bad, makes me feel like bad friend.
me computer has this thing where it reads text to me. so chat, messages, other stuff, me highlight it an the computer reads it to me. me is not that good at reading. me has only got better at spelling because of spell check an because me hears it all time.
one me pt things is memory. me has flash cards wit pictures on one side an on the other the name of what is in picture. me usual forget most things by next session. me can say car an not know what a car is, apple, book, tree, pencil, simple thing. me mentality is of a 10 year old, but me knowledge base is that of a 2 year old.
it is irritate. every time me get a card in the mail, who ever is in room at time read it to me. if it was not for the text to talk thing then me would not be able to have chats an messages wit people. me tries me best. an have found that if me just let me fingers do the work an try not to think too hard bout it that most stuff comes out right.
so people think me is doing real good, but me is not where you think me is. i have a long way to go before i am where you think me is at.

so there it is. laugh, joke, think what ever you want, sorry me did not say all this up front.


one thing me has been learning is that there is no reason for me to be embarrassed or ashamed of who me is or where me is. be in the hospital it is not that hard to do. but when me get out, me is nervous bout be round friends. no joke.
here me can lay in bed all day watch kid shows an disney an nick, an not get looked at like me is idiot. me will be at break in pt sit wit jake watch a disney show an will just start laugh an not have worry bout anything.
i guess what me fear is something that me has delt wit me whole life...so it is kind stupid to fear it even more now. i fear the looks, the talk, the get picked on stuff. an maybe me is be dumb bout it, but it is what me fear.

there is a lot that me is go have to relearn. mean me knows how to do so much stuff an do it right in me head but get ing it out of me head is another thing. me has to relearn how to read books outloud, talk, walk, an lot of other stuff. i do not always feed me self. am working on it tho.


me has always been one who people think is a goody to shoes, but is the rebel. no ever following rules, doing what me is not suppose to be doing, an to do what me is supposed to an following all orders given to me is really a odd thing for me. but good thing for me.





me is still sick wit high fever. but me is watch beauty an beast an aladdin wit the jones! me just hope me can stay wake lng enough to watch them all. me got card from bambam...it was great. her cards are always awesome. simple an sweet!

fall risk

last night was a real good reliever for me. got to talk wit bambam for the first time in what seems like forever. an me got to talk wit jasi! it was awesome. me also go talk wit ash. me loves all three them lots an lots an ......(continues into forever)!
Ohana means family. an if you are a lelo an stitch fan, like me, then you know this all too well. jasi took me in as one of the tribes members?, an it is supposed to be a family tribe. only thing is, i do not really see myself as part of any family, not even me own. no joke. i do like the idea of people supporting one nother as family. guess it is just a me thing. mean, me loves me family, but even tho them are me family, it do not feel like we are a family. get? some times me wonders if me will ever truely feel part of a family or no. maybe that is just the way it is supposed to be. *shrugs*
do not get me wrong, there are some out there that me consider family, an you know who you are. 

this am me woke, after having a rough night sleep, wit a 103.7 fever stomach hurting like crazy an just feel like me was go to up chuck everything.  me did pt. them say them has cancelled second session. boo. yes me said boo. me say boo cuz me legs are get stronger. so is rest of me.
one thing me loves is this green braceleet me has on. it says FALL RISK. haha. every time me look at it me grin an smile a bit. it is sort of a no brainer. 

me had dream last night.

bambam an i were sitting at a table an jasi was on the couch. we had just arrived at stephen an ash's house. me was so nervous bout seeing them all. an for some reason or another, me knew me could talk but was scared to because me thot if me talked them would be mad, so me did not talk. well, then us all went to me house. an me dad was sit there tell them me was lier an all sort stuff an them believed him. an me try to tell  them him was lier but all me could do was hum an say random words.

it was nice have all us there together but it broke me heart that them hated me. me guess it is a fear taht me has, that one day for some reason we will no longer be friends, an given the last few years, me do not think it is some me could take. no joke at all.

me new phone is pretty awesome. it has its bad features. but overall me has no service on it an me can do more on it than wit me phone that does have service.

me is not sure what me is do this weekend. usual there is some sort of plan. am go get off me laptop for bit. so if you send me a message me hope me get it. lol.

there are a lot of fears that me is deal wit, there are lot of things that me struggle wit, most me keep to meself, cuz to the rest the world they seem silly. doctors say me has mind of 10 year old. an still these fears an struggles are not things a 10 year old would even think about, unless, that 10 year old was like me an 30 at the age of 10. this journey rises new asks everyday, new mountains, an pops dreams that me has had for so long. its a journey of pain, bt one that will lead me to the rest of me life.

candy

no me did not misspell canady or cady, me mean what me spell....candy.

there is this lil boy who is usual at pt when me gets there. him an him mom got in a car wreck an his legs were broken really bad, him mom did not make it. the nurses were surprised when him came over to me on monday an start talk to me. them say he has not say a word to anyone since the accident. so we are pt buddies. we do lot of the same activities. his name is Jake. he came up to me an gave me a piece of candy. reeses. jake an i support one another, we are one another cheer system. he is only 6, an he is a awesome strong lil boy. Jake gets to go home next week. and then me lose me cheer buddy. an pt buddy.

me has not ate the candy yet. me has not got permission too. me could eat a few bags of those things tho.  me can not wait to have some candy. me like almond joys, mond, snickers, an reeses. paydays, whatchamacallits, an so many other things including m&ms.

me is start to gain pounds again. me is up to 105lbs. it is great. me clothes have not be fit as well. me no like to wear shorts cuz me has chicken legs. haha. no joke.

me has be talk to Jasi an ash today. one thing me tell them is me is not ready to get out of the hospital, even tho i am. what do me mean? me mean me is ready to see people, eat real food, go places, sleep in me own bed, actual skype, an all sorts of stuff. me is not ready for the drama of family, me is not ready for all the stress that this case has yet to bring, me is not ready to deal with the stress of life.

lately me has felt more like a burden than anything. wondering would visiting me friends really be a great experience or just a mess? do not want to put any more stress on me friends than them already have. it could be selfishness.

strong support system seems to be in a cloud above me head. me fears that once me is out in the free world that is outside me window, me will be left to fight this on me own. which is what me is used to.
me know that there will be those few, but sometimes it does not matter how many people are there on the phone or computer, or sometimes even in person, the support just still seems so far away, leaving one to be by them self. sometimes me just want to run away, hide from everyone.
not sure if me is protecting my self or everyone else. me is try be strong for so many people. me has be hidding out, try not to stress me friends out with me retarded life.

me say stuff. all time. stuff that would be nice, if it happened. stuff that would make things easier.

life is life. good or bad. must learn to deal. whether alone or not. journey through adventure, that is what me, you, us all have to do.

time

8 hours of sleep is becoming a common thing. i still need to learn how to make meself take naps.

9-1030 was pt. me lift my arms above me head, yay. me legs are the hardest thing to work on. had pt gain from 3-345. i quit. i was try so hard an then got frustrated an quit. such a failure.
ate some apple jacks this morning. food is staying down. and for all those who have been wondering yes i am over the meningitis.

today e is very frustrate with lots of stuff, but me is be very prideful, cuz me does not want to upset anyone, an there for me is be selfish.

me is get new phone because me phone company is freakin dumb.

got to talk wit stephen a lot. last night him scared me. me is glad him is ok tho. us talk about the zoo an snow. him say that him an ash would love to pick me up the day me get ot the hospital. that would be awesome. me just have to wait for a response. i hate have to go thro people for decisions.

my face is al most back to normal. my hair is grow in fast. i asked to put a pick on me face on facebook an got a NO response. boo on them. me may just do it anyways. no joke.

me could rant but me is not go to.me just feel hopeless. disappointed. burdened. a failure. an the whole day me has struggled with a few big decisions. sometimes i think, this room, this building, may become me indefinite place, no joke. but what sucks most is that most of what me is feel, me can talk to no one bout. me feel me support system has dwindled. an those that say them is there, are not, so me has just give up on even try. cuz me has try an try an try an it has done nothing.

me is sit at me window watch the guest tv, waiting to see the snow fall, if it does. n me is think bout me message from god on facebook which said stop hiding from life an do what is deep in your heart. it is like it is rubbing it in my face, cuz what is deep in my heart, will never be a reality now. so there for, god, your message sucks today an do not you know that it is rude to rub stuff in peoples face?
sometimes i think that god, who ever him is or where ever him is, is laughing at this adventure called my life, thinking this mistake sure was a hilarious one. only keeping my life going to get a good laugh at it. and before you decide to tell me what i am thinking is wrong, remember it is just a opinion, and it is not cool to tell people that what they think is wrong. yes, this is come from a hypocrite. so deal with it.

apple

8 hours of sleep. me stayed up watch rest of ghost hunters live, sort of. then me watch roseanne. me love that show. me has see every episode of it. i love that show.

me had a dream bout sara mcguire, patty lincoln, an bambam. they were try to have me follow them, just so them could try get rid of me. it was weird.

it has be a weird day. for some reason me is on this love hutch. me has see it alot an people keep repeating it so me put it as me facebook status, faith hope an love...an the greatest is love. an then last night me was think bout something an this random thing popped in me head. love is everything, without it you are nothing. not sure what it means, but me gree wit it.

mama canady, who me guess does not like casper, lol, tell me not to worry bout bambam, easy said than done. no joke. an me would say me will try, but that is not the case. me will worry bout her an all me other friends too. me just loves them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. when they hurt i hurt, when they cry i cry, when they laugh i laugh, when they sleep...i watch them intently. (lets see who's friends wit me now, lol!!!!) - creep!
i would do anything for any of me friends. me would take a bullet, a car, a knife, a terminal sickness for them. no joke. do not sit there an be like, ya right!, try me....no joke.

so remember few posts ago when me talked bout the chi wa wa? me would name it captain pickles an teach it to say arrrrr....no joke!

me dad car is still be fixed. but...me car is act up, it is some wit the fuel system. boo.

me always forget to put some in me post an me always say me will do it the next one an then me forget again. lol

me has some pics. them say the ones wit me in them can not be posted because them is for the trial. what eve. so me will post me room pics some time soon.

pt. mama canady me is work very very VERY hard. me is always go have trouble wit stuff tho. but me is work hard so that me no have that much trouble. yes yes! haha. me can o most lift me arms over me head. an me can o most move me legs on me own. yes! i am still scribble scribble scribble tho. an no sound is come from me mouth, not even a hum. me ate an apple today an me kept it down. an me has be sleep good. just not on a good schedule. an me say this to ash but me is go say this on here because it is important for me, me has been make bm's on me own. yes. it is a bit gross but good.

me got to talk wit shortie an piglet today. it was good. last night me got to talk with Jasi! her was very proud of me spell an grammar.

glee is come on in a bit. but me hope everyone is have a good day, an know that you are loved lots.!!! <3