frustration

so i said i was not going to write a post well i changed my mind. mainly because i am frustrted..and instead of smashing my phone i think it best to just blog.


the last few nights my family along with other things has not allowed me to get sleep. like the jones like to say, if it is not one thing it is another.

anyone that knows me knows that i will not complain except in my blog an even then it is something that has to be really bothering me for me to complain about it. and i do not say anything about anything unless i am fed up or asked an still then it is up in the air on whether or not i will.

so back to the family thing. i know this sounds bad but i seriously feel like i could just call everyone up saying i could talk, more than i do, and tell them, i am not coming back...ever. but sad part is i must. they have been onto me about my car an dads car, dustin, my animals, my job, and as i keep hearing, bubbles misses you, i really want yo to come home, you need to be there for .... , and it is not just thro the day but thro the night. and not only when i am awake but asleep too.
i am ready just to sign my car over to my aunt an say here, it is your problem now, figure out soemthing to tell my granma, tell my dad to take good care of my animals, and talk to people on my case about it...
fact is...i am NOT in st jo, an i am stressed out....i cannot tell you how many times i thought about putting my phone in my tea, throwing it out the window, smashing it...just because it does me no good to get this crap from my family.
i am pissed because in the one week i was there i made up all the time for work that i would miss so i could get paid an now i am not getting that time or pay check...which sucks. and i really could cuss up a freaking storm about it.

i honestly feel like giving p on this whole walking thing. ya i can do it, but almost every day i fall....and it has been messing with my head a whole lot...i am frustrated because it seems that people are upset when i fall. so from now on i am prob just going to shut up about it an i fall i fall, it is as simple as that...an well...i will not say the rest. i have hit my head in the same place hard 2 times in the last 24 hours...and just goe to show that i do not bruise easily. so aside from being creepily white...if i fall, well there are no bruises so no proof. and my head is killing the heck out of me an it is like what ever. i bent over tonight to let cady off her chain and i almost passed out...and it was not from pain. well...whatever.

if you could not tell i am at that point where not getting sleep has left me in a not so good mood.

ash said earlier today something that is true that even i tend to forget or ignore..i did just get out of the hospital 3 weeks ago..a month ago...one of those....maybe i am thinking i need to be doing this an that when really i need to take time to be doing easier stuff. i need to stop trying to rush things an give myself a chance to cope, heal, an rest...all this stress an overduing it is not good for me...an i need to stop being a freaking dumbass idiot an back down.
i want so badly to be able to do it all an make everyone happy knowing it is not going to happen, an right now the only person that i need to focus on is me..whether it may seem selfish or not, i do believe it is true. i want so badly to help others out an to do my share but it will not happen if i do not help myself out first.

i have no idea what i am going to do for christmas..i mean i know where i am going to be, or i hope i do, i know where i plan on being. but as far as presents come..i feel bad about getting things an not being able to do the same..maybe there is something i can do, so we will see. but it will not be great an it will not be nothing like a real present.

i remember one day at the hospital, i was feeling very weird an i think within that day or something like that i ended up having a surgery....that feeling is what i am feeling now...but i guess i should not worry. no matter what happens it will not be a big deal.

it has only been a month but it feels like a year since i hae been in the hospital. and i am trying my best not to end up back in it.

i am so frustrated i am in tears. someone said something today an it was like a total blow to me...but whatever it is something i will get over...because it is something no one but me cares about....and when i say that i mean everything that is in this blog post.

i am going to bed. tonight i miss bubbles sleeping right next to me, elvis laying in the arch of my legs an stardust trying to sleep on my face....i am missig their security an comfort..cuz right now...i feel helpless an alone..and it seems maybe i should be.

cars

i did not sleep well last night at all. the whole night my family was calling me an texting me...one of my tires is flat on my car an two tires were slashed on my dads car. so this meant that both cars were down an no one could get ny where. my uncle, step uncle, was cussing me out blaming me for, not taking better care of my car, tho they have been the ones who have had it for i do not even know how long. then inbetween the calls an the texts and the angry mob treating me like crap, i had horrible dreams. the first we were at like a camp thing an my family was there well they were monsters an my dad died an my sister was die ing an needed my dads something in order for her to stay alive an there was nothing i could do to help. at 3 something i got a text saying that my dad was stuck at his work..an they wanted me to figure out what to do...i went back to sleep an i had another dream but i do not know anything just that it was about my  family an it was horrible. then at 4 something got another call...when are you coming to st jo again where are you....la di da di da....i told everyone everything before i left where i would be when i would be back an all that good stuff...an if they need me text me. i am gone for one week an ever since then i have been hearing about this. then i went back to bed....an i had a dream that me an a bunch of friends were visiting someone in a huge 2 story house. piglet paul an shortie were there for sure. i was walking an falling, talking an silent...and after a while they just started ignoring me.  and in the end they were being jerks an stuff an it was not cool. i woke up and went an sat with ash.
i love starting my mornings at 545 with ash an stephen, it is nice, an a great way to start my day. it was starting to storm as ash was leaving. i layed back down an watched some tv....it was really starting to storm...it scared me...i spread my big blanket all across the couch....and i fell half asleep an my legs were hurting an i wake up,, i guess i was not the only one that was scared...cady was laying on my blanket with me....it was kinda nice. it was like having bubbles or elvis sleeping with me...made me happy....i started to turn over and give my legs some relief an then cady got down. i got up an stephen was up. last night we colored for half an hour together. he colors real pretty. i just scribble. he is a real swell guy.
i love stephen an ash. like no joke. i remember my first time meeting both of them. and i am glad i did. tho my first time meeting both them i was intimidated by both them an i thot stephen was a lune. only because he wanted to go to haunted houses...and ash just intimitdated me just cuz. but like i said i am glad they are in my life. they have been there with me thro this all the last 4-5 months. there were times i thot they were not an then there were times i felt i was not there for them or pushing them away. which probably i did. they have got me thro every single day. cheered me up, let me cry an complain, eased my pain, warmed my heart, put a huge smile on my face. there were others that did this too, but they were like in the top 2-3. i guess aside from wanting some time at dads house an some time to get stuff done an ready an time with the animals an family that i was scared an nervous about coming to visit them. i had told them this, over an over. but i promised i would, an i was excited too do so. i was so nervous an scared the day that they did come...an i was glad piglet came along...i felt bad but piglet was like my extra security....but now between the 3 of them....i am very happy. i am happy estatic to be here with them...and i have become more comfortable around them than i am with my own family with the exception of a few things. just like it feels like home here with the exception of a few things. i love them, an i am happy for them, an i am happy that i get to be a part of their life. an i plan on being there for them the way that they were for me... no joke. no joke.
it was raining outside an stephen an i were sitting at the table an he is like i am not going to the doctor, and then he asked if i wanted taco bell. i was like yep. so we went an got some. we got back an it was like 1130 and we had just started eating an, btw i went in my pjs to taco bell an i did not care, jess woke up. she had been up til like 2 on the computer. she says she was not but i am sure my phone said otherwise when i was ignoring a call from my family. while we were eating we started watching an older season of greys anatomy. stephen was going to cry....i was laughing the whole time, it was the episode where izzy lived an george died. in the middle of the episode stephen stopped it an called the doctor an made an app. while he did that i gave jess most of my grilled stuffed burrito because there was no way i was going to eat all of it...i could not finish the rest of the little i did have. i felt bad. stephen took a shower an then i did. we watched glee before hand, an i was kinda disappointed with this episode...it was mainly lame. the end was very good, but i was act disappointed in the glee club.
well then we left an went to columbia. we were there for an hour n a half. the fishys were pretty. i was dealing with my family an i text my dad and said we should get a fish an name it killer an he said lol...he is almost 60 an he said lol. wow. i was trying to find something to do so i downloaded this app that is like paint, and i downloaded kindle, but everything costs an i cannot buy books. it had been an hour an i looked up an realized that it was only me an one dude an i started getting a lil freaked. then stephen came an got me. i was glad...i had just text ash saying i was in the lobby waiting....  ... i was trying not to flip out. lol. we had finished and we left. he called ash an i listened to what he said...i was trying hard not to cry. i love my friends a lot... i told myself that i would be there for them thro everything...no joke. his red nose is no joke. so the whole way back i prayed, hard.
a few weeks ago i was nervous about stuff an now, i am so comfortable around them. car rides an table time, couch time, porch time, any time, has become cherished time. stephen an i always have great convos  in the car and at the table. or just in general. i love watching him laugh. i spend a lot of time with ash in the kitchen....some times i think i get annoying cuz i sorta follow her like a lost pup. or something. but i like, no love my time with them. i love when they both smile an laugh an are happy.
we got back an din was ready. we ate. i loved the potatoes. ranch potatoes...are AMAZING...an my dad thinks i am crazy for loving it an peanut butter on pancakes....he is weird...no me.
i spent the evening talking with stephen an riding around in the wheel chair. i have been using the wheel chair a lot lately...not because i need too but i figured a day or two ago as i was thinking, that pushing myself around the house in a wheel chair that has no foot rests will help me build muscle...or should. arm an leg muscle at the same tme...i have to hold my feet up an pushing myself will buid muscle in my hands an arms. it will not help with my balance....ash says the other night i was walking without my cane but i do not remember this. i can only take a few steps without my cane. i still need to start stretching an doing act pt.
at dads house there was not much space an i could walk without my cane across the room cuz there was usu something to grab hold of an the rooms are not big...people who have been there have seen taht the biggest room in the whole hous besides the basement is the kitchen...an that is not a joke. and a lot of the house is carpet...which makes falls a lil softer. but i think i am going to start trying...it would not be so bad if i did not have to think about every thing that i am doing or worry about my balance. i can stand an put on shirts an hoddies an take them off. showering has been difficult but i get it done. and i have to be sitting down to put on any thing below the shirt. well mostly. maybe that is tmi...but it is my blog so deal and get real. i just talk about things all of us do. no joke. jeans are getting easier to put on. today i did not wear a belt with them an they act stayed up. which means i am gaining weight. or my shorts are thicker than i thot. my shoes are easy to get on an off....no strings. only thing is when they get wet they get wet all the way thro.
i have no clue what is going on with my head. there are days where i remember things from weeks or months or years ago an then there are days where i remember only the day before an then there are days where i only remember things from minutes ago. yesterday when they had got home from shopping, stephen started making soup an asked if i wanted any. i said no. they said all you had was apple jacks an a candy cane, i was like ya an then i remembered that i had had breakfast.

stephen told me that i need to move in. i told him the prob with that is i would lose the crappy job that i have, make my granma upset an leave her hanging, and then i would feel i am abandoning bubbles an stardust. and then there is this whole case thing. boo. but you know it would be great living here. i do not hve to wake up all stressed because of the fighting in the next room, because there is none of tht, i do not have to prepare myself to be treated like trash, instead i prepare myself for a wonderful day. i dread going back to st jo. ah well...

so now i am getting ready to go to bed. My head hurts I almost completely fell in the bathroom, I caught myself with my knee and hit my head on the sink.i was pretty sure I had woke them up cuz it was loud...and now I am seeing stuff...boo. stephen an ash both go to work tomorrow. jess an i are going to try giving cady a bath. which should be fun. esp since she was left outside during the 4 minute downpour. i tried drying her off. so tomorrow is also laundry time an hope ash will give me something else to do to help her out...other than resting an taking it easy. lol.
tomorrow i am also paying my phone bill an then i will be broke in my bank account. it would be great if i could pay for unlimited data an text an web an have a few hundred minutes a month..that roll over...for under 50 a month...but sadly i have not found that.
i am excited to spend christmas here. i would not want  to be anywhere else.

and finally. i made ash happy last night. i have been trying forever to speak an when i did it sunday and freaked out about it, i have been scared...but have been trying. stephen is like say yes say no say hi say bye...i have been trying. i figured if i did it sunday that i  can do it again. i just have to get over me an do it...i really have to think hard about a word. but i followed ash around after din. i was shaking i was scared an nervous, and ready. i sent her a message an went to give her her phone an she seemed ticked about it...i told her earlier that i might have a surprise for her. she walked out without looking at my text so i sent another one that said read me...the previous one had said i have a surprise for you..stephen was like here lets go into the bedroom. i was like ok...so we went an ash sent me a text then she was like what is your surprise...her an stephen both waited...it took me a few minutes but i finally said it...i looked at ash an i said i love you! she is like do you an i went umhum...stephen sent me a text he is like say yes an say no...so i worked on it in my head an said those two words also. right now it makes me happy that i said it. and then ash an i talked. i told her it scares me, just because in a way it is new to me...i was nervous because  i did not know how it was goign to come out or even if it would...but i was determined. usu i smile an stuff, but trying to say those word i wanted to cry it scared me a lot....it hurts to talk. and my voice sounds all weak an stuff, like i have not talked for ages...lol...it is a joke. i wanted to make them both smile.
like ash said i have come so far an i am doing well. i need to stop listening to those who tell me taht i should not be able to do this or that an kick them in the face. i am trying hard to do better. i have even been practicing writing letters an numbers. and now i am going to practice saying the words that i can say or did say.
so now on to bigger an better things i hope. today was a good day for the most part.

how to train your dragon

yesterday after i posted my blog post cady an i went outside...cady kept barking at the kids that were going back an forth thro the alley an the dog that was running lose. we sat on the steps for the longest time before she went on her barking rage. we looked like taht kids book with the boy an his dog looking into the sunset. cady really liked that i was sitting out there with her. well when she went on her rage i let her in the house. then i was not to be seen til 1130 ish or so. i came in an ate a bowl of apple jacks an did the dishes. then i went to bed at like 130-45ish. at 340 something cady started sticking her nose in my face...she wanted out so i let her out, an i stayed up...7 came around an people started waking up. stephen made breakfast and then i went to the table. at about 10 i got on google plus an ranted a bit....carryover from yesterday. then, stephen ash an jess were running around the house whispering and stuff an i was like whatever just ask or whatever. and finally they did but they still would not believe me. they left at 1130 ish. i was going to go with them but after i saw how they were acting i thought it best that i should not...i was upset, which carried over from the last few days, so i did not want to cause ny problems. so i stayed put. they left and i finished watching how to train your dragon.
then as if i was not already trying to deal with enough emotions my dad sends me a few videos an says watch them, you know this may be your last christmas with anyone of us an you are not going to be here...the videos were 9/11 tribute, ladder 49 to shine your light, an foo fighters performing my hero. he wanted me to think about my uncle an how he is regretting all the christmases an all taht that he missed with his son. so by this point i was in tears...and ontop of that i felt like a jerk for not going an blah.
i decided to do dishes, and then cady an i went an sat on the porch. she really liked it. then we went in because my feet were cold. i was thinking about lunch but decided not to eat cuz i figured they would either bring something back or fix something when they got back...and i did not want to be rude an go ahead an eat....not that i was that hungry.
so i watched wizards an they returned....then left an it was coming an going all day. they were gone for 3 hours the first time. i decided i needed a nap, which i did not take, and that it wold get me out of my mood....nope i am still in the same mood. and it lit sucks. a lot.
i skyped with bambam an it was great....short but great...an very interesting an awkward.
and now everyone is here watching shows an wrapping stuff. and eating candy.

so now i am just waiting to see if this mood is going to change...cuz it needs too. and well we will see how my night plays out.

how to train your dragon was good. i had not seen it but it was on my computer. so i watched it. who ever told me that i remind them of that kid was right. no joke.

so this is my blog post as short as it is....deal with it.

rudolph

i do not think i ever finished the story i started with in yesterday's blog....well the title is something someone said to me at house church..not just someone but ebony. she is amazing! no joke!

most of what i wanted to do from like 4 on yesterday was cry..an once i got to house church an they started the sermon thing, i really wanted too, i wanted to hide, hide far far away from the world an just cry. so my plan was come home grab my jacket and go sit on the back porch an just cry. there were many reasons for this. when ever i get frustrated an cannot understand something i usu get teary eyed an depending on what it is i cry. i was frustrated that i could not understand a single thing they were talking about an piglet is like if there is anything just ask, but problem is she would be explaining it all...no joke. so it is not that i do not like church or do not want to learn about the god of the bible an all that comes with it, it is just that i do not understand things. and i could ask but i would prob ask the same thing over an over again, and it would take forever for everyone to find a way to explain whatever to me so that i understand. one reason i love cartoons, they are simple, easy, funny, an i learn easy with them. i wanted to cry because of what i had lit said. people are like you should not be down about it, but seriously, it scares the crap out of me. it was like i dreamed it..i barely remember an at the time i was light headed nervous an frustrated. idk why but talking scares the crap out of me, an what scares me more is how fast everything is happening. it is going on 4 weeks now that i have been out of the hospital....my progress, if that is what it is called, goes against everything on where i should be. who knows maybe last night was a random thing, maybe one day i will forget how to walk, an be back to square one, i hope that does not happen but it could. another thing that just makes me want to cry is that i am scared...about everything. i had to text my dad this am to ask him what town i live in an what my address was, cuz i cannot remember, and i feel bad about it. i am scared because i feel like a lil kid, i cannot be away from this house for more than a few hours an then i start to freak after an hour or so. if i am not with someone that i feel really safe or at a place where i feel really safe than i can only take an hour an then after that i go thro stages until i am completely freaking out, which has not happened yet, but i have freaked out about being some where, but it has not got to its worst yet. and that is good. i am frustrated because i feel i am either in the way or a lazy bum, which is the same thing, and i cannot stand it. i try to stay out of the way, leave people alone, but it does not seem to make a difference. and no matter where i am i feel i am letting someone down. i feel like people are disappointed that when i fall it is not where they can see it. there are some people that would freak out...but i cannot control when i fall. i try not to fall. i guess another reason i do not like to be away from here, or one of the 3 people that i feel really secure with is because of this town an who lives here an running into any one, would be like a nightmare.

frustration...i told stephen yesterday that i always thought the first sentence i said would be telling someone off....nope..boo on me. i am being dead serious too.
i do not know how many times i have to say this.....do not sit there an tell me that i have to trust god, or that god is telling me something, or anything like that....read these written words...i am not a believer of anything other than santa, wishes, an that there is A GOD OUT THERE, or gods, whatever it may be. i will believe what i want too but you cannot assume that i am who i once was, because...I AM NOT.

it is the holidays. whatever that may mean. an it is basically my first christmas...no joke. for some reason,  really do not remember any thing in my life other than things that are triggerd by something or someone, or if it is recent. i do know that i am having a rough month. with the death of my cousin, my granma basically telling me that i need to spend christmas with my dad, an then my aunt and uncle with their constant mood swings..it is really rough. i hear people cracking your mom jokes, an i smile...but honestly...people should be very thankful that they have a mom...christmas eve my granpa went into the hospital....he never left the hospital...i do not understand why people crack jokes, one day they are going to go to do it an realize that person is no longer there an it is going to kill them. i do remember my family..and believe me it sucks....and i only remember when my granpa went in to the hospital an when he died...

trigger words....or things...some times people will say something, or something will be on tv or the radio or something an it will trigger a memory..it happens a lot with me...so i may not remember soemthing but someone says something or i see or hear somethng an it may cause me to remember somethng, whether good or bad.

morning time memory....when i first wake up i do not remember anything it takes me a few mnutes or longer, but after i am sound with everything...for like the first 30 mins or so, not long tho, i can remember things great from the prevous day...but after that 30-60 mins it goes back to wait...what did i just do two minutes ago?!...no joke.

word game...so for like a week i forgot, just up an forgot an did not remember that i had games going with friends via word wth friends an hanging with friends....so since i forgot i did not play...an it was piglet an debs that reminded me...i felt like butt. i kinda wish i had not rememberd....people are kicking my but....most people...i think they expect me to play like them an i try, hard, but it does not work an i suck an it sucks....piglet is like this will help you, but really it makes me feel like a freaking idiot. ..

today piglet was supposed to go to valeries to hang out with her an shortie, an i was invited but i am grounded an therefore could not go, not that i was able too, i pushed myself too hard yesterday an today was a day to rest an kick back....and if i went over, i would have snuck an egg...i love deviled eggs. no joke.

bruises....so i do not bruise easily but if i have them i make sure they are covered so aside from being basical lit skin a bones i wear long sleeves. in fact the other day i was in the bathroom an i had just got done with a shower an i was putting on my long sleeve shirt over my white one an  saw my arm in the mirror an i about jumped back, yo could see every part of the bone even the dips...and i thought my bone was sticking out of the skin....i still am not used to seeing me like this after 4 months...or less. i hate when i have my legs just stretched out an the legs of the pants are hanging down an you can see how much i have to fill. an i pretty much used to fill most of the space.

so my day, i woke up an watched ash eat an we talked, i typed...and then she left for work...i went over an went back to sleep....i had a dream that i was on a street with a lot of the people that  i in someway know...and we were being chased an well it did not end well....it was horrible. i woke up to stephen an jess moving around....an stephen made us breakfast...it was good too.

stephen is rudolph...his nose is red an bright...he keeps on asking me if i know this song or that song...i have forgotten a lot..which sucks. him an i made a deal..that for every word he gets me to say he will learn a sign...he already has learned a sign..so i am working hard on trying to say a word...it has not worked so well.

ash said that they will start helping me with pt. which will be good.

so after breakfast i went an watched tv...police women of memphis...an they left. then came back an left again. an that was how most the day was spent..them going an coming an i watchng tv. i did decide to color..two of the pictures i least liked....i just wanted to get some frstration out. jess was like that is pretty an i told her no it was not...she kept saying it was...um it wasnot an that is a fact....because that is why i just scribbled covering it.
well jess left an stephen was back for a bit an i was still at the table....and valerie came over. just for a bit. then she left an stephen was getting ready for his hot date with his wife. ash got home and then jess an then the lovely married couple left for their date....i got hungry an went to go make a sandwhich...as i was walking through the kitchen my cane an foot got stuck on a piece of paper from the lent roller an  fell...i had just got up an jess was going to the bathroom. then i was making the sanwhich an jess was in the kitchen with her back turned an i tripped over my cane, but i caught myself...ugh....rudolph...stop pushing me...lol.

i think i have done enough complaining for the day an i am ready for tomorrow. 

It is great seeing you alive!

 that is what i heard tonight at house church....but before i go any further let me recap my day.

i went to sleep last night. stephen always asks me if i sleep well on the couch an i say that i do an sometimes i do not think he believes me. he prob thinks that i would not say anything if i was not sleeping well, but either it would end up in my blog or he would be right an i would not say anything. but i do sleep very well on this couch, better than i did in the hospital an better than i did on my futon. most of my only week sleeping on it i had it up in the couch position. i hardly ever wake up, toss an turn, or move...sometimes i wake up an i hurt but that is normal.
i woke up this am and sat with ash watching the news. nothing sounded good to her so we watched tv instead. than she left earlier than normal. i think i got up an moved over to the love seat, i like sleeping by the tree. but i am not as comfy on the loveseat as i am on the couch. but i slept over there anyways. stephen woke up an it woke me up, i rolled over an put my hood up, and tried going back to sleep. then jess got up. they sat at the table an were talking an jess is like, o i thought you were asleep....
they left for church an i started laundry. i was walking back from starting it an my cane like got stuck an i fell. my cane seems weird like something is off. i went to change the laundry an fell into the washer, not like lit in it, but into it. it sorta caught me. i was switching clothes an fell into the dryer...i was irritated. then i was putting laundry up on the table in my bags an i stepped back an then stepped forward an lost my footing. then i had just sit down an plugged my phone into my laptop that was on the floor an i was going to check the laundry, i watched the cord the whole time an ended up tripping over it. i got a shower in, which was nice too. i almost fell in there too. Got done with that an stephen an jess came home an then left, then came back, an i went to check laundry fell into the washer again.
ash got home an we watched the wedding video...it was a sweet wedding, funny, but sweet. we were watching stuff about the er on tv...which i like stuff like that, an it was different than disney channel or nick, something we all enjoyed. the acting was horrible.
i got ready for house church. my legs were hurting, my arms were hurting, my head was throbbing in pain, an i was tired from a long day of falling dishes trash an laundry...i thought i had enough spoons. i argued with myself for more than an hour on whether or not to go to house church, last week i had skipped out....ash even argued with me about it an then stephen..but i went. i was standing at the back door, and piglet arrived, i walked out almost falling off the porch, yea i do not even know how i did that. then i almost fell down the steps. i walked up there and was trying to see who was in the car...piglet got out an i was thinking, is it just us, where am i sitting, and it came out my mouth, piglet was like that was random, an i was like what, and she signed speech, an i stopped after almost tripping, i was scared...i had just said words, an not just words a sentence or two. what the hell....where was i. piglet freaked me out...an i bet if she would have not brought it to my attention i would have kept going....nope now i was freaked an scared an excited an i wanted to cry....no joke. first things that went through my head were i just spoke, piglet is freaked, oh no what if piglet thinks i am a liar cuz i just spoke....and then i tried so hard to do it again an nothing would happen. i felt so bad...but so thrilled too. we got to the house an walked in...i saw ebony an robert an half the people i knew, the other half i did not. grabbed a drink an some cookies an sat down. toy came in an told me, well several times throughout the night, that it was good to see me that they had been praying for me and some other things. it was good being able to use sign to speak because people there or ebs an robert know sign an piglet knows some too. but i could go a good pace an they get it. now i have to see the way harry potter should have ended....haha. it was a lot different than church, it was smaller, comfy, short, but i had the same problem with it as church, i do not understand stuff, which is okay, i just figure i sit there an semi listen long enough an i will pick up on stuff. the sermon, itself was only 15 mins. the rest was mostly talking an visiting, prayer, an something with crackers an small little cups.
i was texting ash the whole time. after about an hour anywhere i am not really comfy with i start to freak out. i lasted a bit longer. i think. i would have had ash come get me but i had no idea where i was. and after it was all said an done it turned out to be okay. my phone was nearly dead the whole time, tho i had been trying to charge it all day, i have no idea what is sucking the life out of it.
we left, as i was stepping down to leave i almost lost my balance, than when i got out of the car to come in the house, i missed a step almost falling into the car, then i almost fell up the steps.

i seriously want to know what is wrong with me. i am taking so many steps back when i should be moving forward more than i am. to be falling an losing my balance all day an then speaking, really made me feel like crud. i would do pt but i cannot remember what we did in pt at the hospital. my memory is crap...some things are better than others....i have been trying so hard all week to talk, or hum, which i could do anytime, but now i cannot even do that when i want to...it sucks. i move my feet, shake my legs all the time so i am constantly working them, but seriously baf, what is going on?!

stephen keeps asking me what i want for christmas, i have no clue...really this is like my first christmas, an i am not one to ask for stuff, i have no clue, i thought maybe a huge stuffed animal, or a new color book, or idk...i just want a great christmas, it would be awesome if i was with stardust an bubbles but if not that is ok. santa knows what to get me.

i am not in st. jo...i told people to text me...i love how people esp my family listens. i have got like 5 voicemails in the last two days, saying my dad was so sick he called into work, which never happens, so i texted him an made sure he was alright. my car is legal but now there is something wrong with the tire, an i am supposed to fix that, um how...! my granma is worried about my dad an thinks that i should never leave town again, or move away from home, saying he relys on me for support an stuff....which makes me feel horrible. my aunt has laundry taht needs to be done, an cannot ask my dad to use the washer an dryer, like usu?!
if it was not for bubbles an stardust an gumby, and for the fact that i do not want to break my granma's heart, i would not return to st jo...well an for the fact with the whole case thing...
i really like it here, i mean there are cons, but that is anywhere you go. but it is nice to be in a mostly peaceful environment not having people fighting an yelling all the time, not having to worry about not having a front door that locks, food, anything but hoodies coming up missing...and so much more. here i am a person, and i am told all the time to shut up that i talk too much, but that is it...but it is a real change an i like the change...i am not as stressed.

i know there is something i am forgetting but that is okay...i will remember an then forget again. so i am going to take tomorrow with as much ease as can, an then prepare for tuesday...which gives me much excitement as both stephen an ash are off, an i am skyping with bambam...oh the joy. :D

Nemo

Today I woke with the sound of the house....i am used to my dad or nurses coming in or home around 7ish. Then I had to get use to getting up and taking bubbles out to go potty cuz there was no way she was risking coming back in to find me gone again and she would not go out for any one but me.she is loyal.
Ash and Stephen had been up for a while I think...and I guess it was time for me to get up.
I had got home last night to find Stephen tucked away and jess doing something. I watched gaga perform on ellen and then I turned it to something I do not think I had ever seen..flashpoint...it is pretty good. Ash walked in and I thought she was either pissed or really tired or both....so when she walked over too the door I just started at the tv....
Side note - when people smile or laugh they are really pretty but when they are angry or mad they look like monsters...and that is how I see it in my messed up head.
...i was glad when she came over and started talking and seemed not mad....i was scared until that point...then I could not help but to smile big. She came over and sat on the couch and hung out for a bit. It wad nice. around 1 we went to bed. Some nights I can sleep with the tree lights on and some nights I cannot...last night was one of those nights. I unplugged them and went to bed.

So here I was taking my time to get awake...i could here Stephen and ash voices....and I did not want to interrupt so I took my time. I sat up and looked at the floor and there was my hoodie. I fell asleep with it on but some how I had took it off.
I got up and went potty then cane back in and petted Cady...her and I just lated on the love seat....until ash and Stephen went on the porch.
They decided to go get something and I tagged along. I think they were very sad by this. We got done and went to funny pages. They sat us right by the smoking section but we moved and then I was right in the sun...i typed out what I wanted and we ordered.the omelette I got was not that good...but I ate everything except for the other 3 parts of my toast. We left and went home. As we were walking out to the car one of my legs decided to give out on me, luckily it was right as I was getting in the car.
they decided they were going to clean and that I was not allowed to help....ugh...that is one thing that bugs me is when I cannot help. No joke. But I did something anyways by clearing the table and straightening out my stuff.
Shortie and Valerie came over. Wee watched finding Nemo...that movie scared me.. .and there were some sad parts....but one thing is I hate anything that has to do with under water and sharks.
They left cuz I was not very entertaining....i suck. so I chilled with Stephen at the table. Than I got out of the way so they could clean.
They cleaned and than we have been watching tv since.

Tomorrow is a new day....tomorrow I am going to try something new...maybe go beyond my limits...

details

ash told me that she wanted details. last night i did not go into stuff much because i was tired, frustrated, hurting, and most of all, tired. i was not sure i would have the spoons to finish the blog post before i fell sleep.

i had text jess because i figured she would still be up an i wanted to make sure i could get in the house. if i could not, i was either going to sit outside on the porch all night or crash on piglets couch with the dogs an the crying pup. i was joking with piglet an shortie an i said you should talk the jones into giving it to me as a christmas present. lol. but i was kidding. one, i think my dad would You me, an two, i am sure it belongs to someone, she had a basically brand new collar on. tho i would love to have a pup, i think bubbles would not be too happy sharing me with nyone but elvis an stardust. she is going to flip when she smells all the dogs on me. i walked in the door an cady was UT me like crazy, she smelt the pup on me.
we were leaving piglets an piglet had a hold of the back of my jacket. she did not want me falling down the steps. she also followed me up to the door. i use my cane veggie i step down. to check for any slip spots an to make sure i am safe. it is one of the hardest things to tell myself, cane raise your foot place on step an push up. sometimes i have to think about it alot more than usu. but piglet wanted to make sure i did not fall.
according to the radar we were in the middle of a snow storm but it was not doing anything outside. boo, and it still is doing nothing. tho there is still a chance.
i need to do laundry, or at least wash my sweats, pj bottoms, hoodies, an towel. i need to wash my blanket too, but that can wait. cady got sick today an walked all in it an then came in an decided to lay all over my blanket. if i had my trunks, i would give cady a bath. it cannot be that much different from trying to give one of our two dogs a bath, right?! it takes 3 of us to get elvis in the tub an two to keep him in it, and it only takes me to drag bubbles into the tub, but she will stay once she is in it. she hates getting her teeth brushed, an it is funny watchig elvis run an then think the toothpaste is attacking him. bubbles gets a shower an elvis gets a bath. and i usu take a shower right after because dogs are dirty, yuck.
jess was watching good luck charlie christmas special, and it finished i had finished my blog post for the day an i went to sleep. i turned the tv off, an i was out. i woke at 1 something, then 358, an the 545. this time i took my time to get around an take things in. it was so hard to get my eyes open. i got up an stood almost falling right back down. i could barely walk but i managed. i went an sat with ash. i did not eat any eggs because at the moment she asked i was not hungry, an plus when i am asleep it bothers me. stephen lost his hat, i hope he finds it.
they left an i came in an watched frostys wonderland, cady layed on one cushon of the couch an i on the other two. she stayed there most the morning. after frosty i went to sleep for about an hour an a half, then i was woke up, then i feel back sleep an woke up around 10. then i half slept til round 11. i got up an decided i needed to get up an about an stop being so lazy. i went to the bath room an then fixed breakfaast. i had a banana or most of one, an a bowl of lucky charms. i finished off the box. i think it was going stael. i took my vitamins.
the b ones are good for my brain an for metabolism an energy...the multivitamin is the smae way, plus more.
jess came out to the living room, an i turned on the tv. the fox an the hound is what i am watching. cady is in the same spot she was this am.
i am waiting to go to piglets. we are going to go to the dog park an i was posed to ask to take cady alone, so we will see.

so side note - jess an ash got flash cards, i am still not sure what they are going to do with them but i have faith... i was thinking while eating breakfast, when it comes to colors if they wrote the color on one card an then put the color either on another card or just used something that had the colors on them, it might help me learn colors. with letters tho if they use pictures i will um ascociate the letter with the picture an whaat ever the picture may be i will just think the letter is the name of the picture.
yesterday i killed my legs. i would do pt on my own but i do not remember anything we did during pt in the hospital. my memory is bits an pieces, and the most i can remember if not brought to rememberance by a conversation or something else, is maybe 2 days. an that is stretching it. i need to start excercising my brain an body everyday, an walking is good but that is not what is going to help me.
i layer my clothes on purpose, i always have 3-4 shirts on, because it makes me look a lil bigger than i am. shorts an baggy pants. my upper legs are ok, not too small, but my lower legs are still small, tho i can feel muscle building in it. my arms are still small. real small. like you can make out the bones and it looks real gross when my arm flexes n you see the muscle...it is gross. no joke. i really have not got that much color back.
 i think my coloring is getting better. i try reall hard not to just scribble. but really that is all i want to do is scribble.
my hair seems to be growing slower, an staying thin. which is to be expected i guess.
i am not sure where i will be monday, i am supposed to stay in st joe for atleast one night during this month, an posed to be soon, but i will deal with the consequences later if it does not happen. kara is posed to be getting back to me, there is osmething wrong with their car, an so they are not sure if i will be visiting or not.
if it was not for the fact that i have to be in st joe for atleast one week every month, that i need the lil money i get from my job in st jo, and some other factors i would love to stay in moberly. not that i am okay with the town, but i love who i am with and being here has let me put down my guard a lot. and to be honest it is nice to have someone else in teh house at night for more than two nights. last night i did get scared, .... i am pathetic.

I decided to pick up a bit...it was the least I could do, plus there were not enough dishes for me to run water to wash the one that was dirty.most of the clutter around here is my fault. I try to clean up after myself but sometimes the kid in me says, get I am done with this time for that, and I just go leaving everything as is. I need to stop doing that. No joke. As I was picking up I let Cady out and no to long after Stephen got home. We watched Tom and Jerry for a while...it was nice. Then piglet texted me and said she was on her way. The plan was I would be back for super and to watch a movie with him or whoever was here....but then I was taken hostage by piglet...and Stephen was like I will pay her ransom....it was a captive war and I am in the middle of it. Well ended up eating half a sandwich at piglets....then eating some hard boiled eggs. The pup is in love with me....no joke. It was chewing in my cane an left a few dents. Then she bit me. We played, our piglet played a card game one which I did not get...boo on me.then we played memory...she won but I got a few matches. Then she read. I like the sorry but it as hard to hear over Carl and Paul. Then piglet and I talked. Bout spoons....and etc. I try to plan out every detail of my day so I know how many spoons i will have for extra stuff. But then there are those days where I wake up and find that that may be the only thing I am doing.that day....our I may find that I have a few more spoons then planned. And usu on the days where I think I will not have extra spoons I find I do and vice versa. I know it is hard to deal with me and my situation but I always try to make it as easy for everyone as I can. Tho sometimes I feel that it is not my job to do so. Piglet left for like an hour an a half. After 30 mins...i started to get freaked. There are certain people in every place that I go that are like my safety blanket....when they disappear I can only take so long before I start freaking...the time depends on where I am at and who is around. By the hour mark I was talky freaking. An hour an 20 mins an I was ready to cry and I was about to text Stephen to ask him to come get me and then piglet walled in. took me a while to settle down. Finally we left. as we were going out the door I stepped down and lost my balance....i bout fell back but I caught my self. I an not going to lie...walking and/or standing while trying to keep my balance is really hard. I try all the time esp around others to not fall or stumble. Mainly because it is embarrassing when it happens an because people would prob freak out which would freak me out. Which means more stress. I think in a way I am trying to prove to others that I am fine...tho I am not. .. So I am home now...Stephen is in bed...ash at work..boo...jess doing something...and I am watching flash point. Then bed. Tomorrow I plan on doing a load of laundry, hanging out with Stephen and others maybe, but I do not plan on doing much. But that not much will become a blog post. As it usu does. :-)