i did not sleep well last night at all. the whole night my family was calling me an texting me...one of my tires is flat on my car an two tires were slashed on my dads car. so this meant that both cars were down an no one could get ny where. my uncle, step uncle, was cussing me out blaming me for, not taking better care of my car, tho they have been the ones who have had it for i do not even know how long. then inbetween the calls an the texts and the angry mob treating me like crap, i had horrible dreams. the first we were at like a camp thing an my family was there well they were monsters an my dad died an my sister was die ing an needed my dads something in order for her to stay alive an there was nothing i could do to help. at 3 something i got a text saying that my dad was stuck at his work..an they wanted me to figure out what to do...i went back to sleep an i had another dream but i do not know anything just that it was about my family an it was horrible. then at 4 something got another call...when are you coming to st jo again where are you....la di da di da....i told everyone everything before i left where i would be when i would be back an all that good stuff...an if they need me text me. i am gone for one week an ever since then i have been hearing about this. then i went back to bed....an i had a dream that me an a bunch of friends were visiting someone in a huge 2 story house. piglet paul an shortie were there for sure. i was walking an falling, talking an silent...and after a while they just started ignoring me. and in the end they were being jerks an stuff an it was not cool. i woke up and went an sat with ash.
i love starting my mornings at 545 with ash an stephen, it is nice, an a great way to start my day. it was starting to storm as ash was leaving. i layed back down an watched some tv....it was really starting to storm...it scared me...i spread my big blanket all across the couch....and i fell half asleep an my legs were hurting an i wake up,, i guess i was not the only one that was scared...cady was laying on my blanket with me....it was kinda nice. it was like having bubbles or elvis sleeping with me...made me happy....i started to turn over and give my legs some relief an then cady got down. i got up an stephen was up. last night we colored for half an hour together. he colors real pretty. i just scribble. he is a real swell guy.
i love stephen an ash. like no joke. i remember my first time meeting both of them. and i am glad i did. tho my first time meeting both them i was intimidated by both them an i thot stephen was a lune. only because he wanted to go to haunted houses...and ash just intimitdated me just cuz. but like i said i am glad they are in my life. they have been there with me thro this all the last 4-5 months. there were times i thot they were not an then there were times i felt i was not there for them or pushing them away. which probably i did. they have got me thro every single day. cheered me up, let me cry an complain, eased my pain, warmed my heart, put a huge smile on my face. there were others that did this too, but they were like in the top 2-3. i guess aside from wanting some time at dads house an some time to get stuff done an ready an time with the animals an family that i was scared an nervous about coming to visit them. i had told them this, over an over. but i promised i would, an i was excited too do so. i was so nervous an scared the day that they did come...an i was glad piglet came along...i felt bad but piglet was like my extra security....but now between the 3 of them....i am very happy. i am happy estatic to be here with them...and i have become more comfortable around them than i am with my own family with the exception of a few things. just like it feels like home here with the exception of a few things. i love them, an i am happy for them, an i am happy that i get to be a part of their life. an i plan on being there for them the way that they were for me... no joke. no joke.
it was raining outside an stephen an i were sitting at the table an he is like i am not going to the doctor, and then he asked if i wanted taco bell. i was like yep. so we went an got some. we got back an it was like 1130 and we had just started eating an, btw i went in my pjs to taco bell an i did not care, jess woke up. she had been up til like 2 on the computer. she says she was not but i am sure my phone said otherwise when i was ignoring a call from my family. while we were eating we started watching an older season of greys anatomy. stephen was going to cry....i was laughing the whole time, it was the episode where izzy lived an george died. in the middle of the episode stephen stopped it an called the doctor an made an app. while he did that i gave jess most of my grilled stuffed burrito because there was no way i was going to eat all of it...i could not finish the rest of the little i did have. i felt bad. stephen took a shower an then i did. we watched glee before hand, an i was kinda disappointed with this episode...it was mainly lame. the end was very good, but i was act disappointed in the glee club.
well then we left an went to columbia. we were there for an hour n a half. the fishys were pretty. i was dealing with my family an i text my dad and said we should get a fish an name it killer an he said lol...he is almost 60 an he said lol. wow. i was trying to find something to do so i downloaded this app that is like paint, and i downloaded kindle, but everything costs an i cannot buy books. it had been an hour an i looked up an realized that it was only me an one dude an i started getting a lil freaked. then stephen came an got me. i was glad...i had just text ash saying i was in the lobby waiting.... ... i was trying not to flip out. lol. we had finished and we left. he called ash an i listened to what he said...i was trying hard not to cry. i love my friends a lot... i told myself that i would be there for them thro everything...no joke. his red nose is no joke. so the whole way back i prayed, hard.
a few weeks ago i was nervous about stuff an now, i am so comfortable around them. car rides an table time, couch time, porch time, any time, has become cherished time. stephen an i always have great convos in the car and at the table. or just in general. i love watching him laugh. i spend a lot of time with ash in the kitchen....some times i think i get annoying cuz i sorta follow her like a lost pup. or something. but i like, no love my time with them. i love when they both smile an laugh an are happy.
we got back an din was ready. we ate. i loved the potatoes. ranch potatoes...are AMAZING...an my dad thinks i am crazy for loving it an peanut butter on pancakes....he is weird...no me.
i spent the evening talking with stephen an riding around in the wheel chair. i have been using the wheel chair a lot lately...not because i need too but i figured a day or two ago as i was thinking, that pushing myself around the house in a wheel chair that has no foot rests will help me build muscle...or should. arm an leg muscle at the same tme...i have to hold my feet up an pushing myself will buid muscle in my hands an arms. it will not help with my balance....ash says the other night i was walking without my cane but i do not remember this. i can only take a few steps without my cane. i still need to start stretching an doing act pt.
at dads house there was not much space an i could walk without my cane across the room cuz there was usu something to grab hold of an the rooms are not big...people who have been there have seen taht the biggest room in the whole hous besides the basement is the kitchen...an that is not a joke. and a lot of the house is carpet...which makes falls a lil softer. but i think i am going to start trying...it would not be so bad if i did not have to think about every thing that i am doing or worry about my balance. i can stand an put on shirts an hoddies an take them off. showering has been difficult but i get it done. and i have to be sitting down to put on any thing below the shirt. well mostly. maybe that is tmi...but it is my blog so deal and get real. i just talk about things all of us do. no joke. jeans are getting easier to put on. today i did not wear a belt with them an they act stayed up. which means i am gaining weight. or my shorts are thicker than i thot. my shoes are easy to get on an off....no strings. only thing is when they get wet they get wet all the way thro.
i have no clue what is going on with my head. there are days where i remember things from weeks or months or years ago an then there are days where i remember only the day before an then there are days where i only remember things from minutes ago. yesterday when they had got home from shopping, stephen started making soup an asked if i wanted any. i said no. they said all you had was apple jacks an a candy cane, i was like ya an then i remembered that i had had breakfast.
stephen told me that i need to move in. i told him the prob with that is i would lose the crappy job that i have, make my granma upset an leave her hanging, and then i would feel i am abandoning bubbles an stardust. and then there is this whole case thing. boo. but you know it would be great living here. i do not hve to wake up all stressed because of the fighting in the next room, because there is none of tht, i do not have to prepare myself to be treated like trash, instead i prepare myself for a wonderful day. i dread going back to st jo. ah well...
so now i am getting ready to go to bed. My head hurts I almost completely fell in the bathroom, I caught myself with my knee and hit my head on the sink.i was pretty sure I had woke them up cuz it was loud...and now I am seeing stuff...boo. stephen an ash both go to work tomorrow. jess an i are going to try giving cady a bath. which should be fun. esp since she was left outside during the 4 minute downpour. i tried drying her off. so tomorrow is also laundry time an hope ash will give me something else to do to help her out...other than resting an taking it easy. lol.
tomorrow i am also paying my phone bill an then i will be broke in my bank account. it would be great if i could pay for unlimited data an text an web an have a few hundred minutes a month..that roll over...for under 50 a month...but sadly i have not found that.
i am excited to spend christmas here. i would not want to be anywhere else.
and finally. i made ash happy last night. i have been trying forever to speak an when i did it sunday and freaked out about it, i have been scared...but have been trying. stephen is like say yes say no say hi say bye...i have been trying. i figured if i did it sunday that i can do it again. i just have to get over me an do it...i really have to think hard about a word. but i followed ash around after din. i was shaking i was scared an nervous, and ready. i sent her a message an went to give her her phone an she seemed ticked about it...i told her earlier that i might have a surprise for her. she walked out without looking at my text so i sent another one that said read me...the previous one had said i have a surprise for you..stephen was like here lets go into the bedroom. i was like ok...so we went an ash sent me a text then she was like what is your surprise...her an stephen both waited...it took me a few minutes but i finally said it...i looked at ash an i said i love you! she is like do you an i went umhum...stephen sent me a text he is like say yes an say no...so i worked on it in my head an said those two words also. right now it makes me happy that i said it. and then ash an i talked. i told her it scares me, just because in a way it is new to me...i was nervous because i did not know how it was goign to come out or even if it would...but i was determined. usu i smile an stuff, but trying to say those word i wanted to cry it scared me a lot....it hurts to talk. and my voice sounds all weak an stuff, like i have not talked for ages...lol...it is a joke. i wanted to make them both smile.
like ash said i have come so far an i am doing well. i need to stop listening to those who tell me taht i should not be able to do this or that an kick them in the face. i am trying hard to do better. i have even been practicing writing letters an numbers. and now i am going to practice saying the words that i can say or did say.
so now on to bigger an better things i hope. today was a good day for the most part.
i love starting my mornings at 545 with ash an stephen, it is nice, an a great way to start my day. it was starting to storm as ash was leaving. i layed back down an watched some tv....it was really starting to storm...it scared me...i spread my big blanket all across the couch....and i fell half asleep an my legs were hurting an i wake up,, i guess i was not the only one that was scared...cady was laying on my blanket with me....it was kinda nice. it was like having bubbles or elvis sleeping with me...made me happy....i started to turn over and give my legs some relief an then cady got down. i got up an stephen was up. last night we colored for half an hour together. he colors real pretty. i just scribble. he is a real swell guy.
i love stephen an ash. like no joke. i remember my first time meeting both of them. and i am glad i did. tho my first time meeting both them i was intimidated by both them an i thot stephen was a lune. only because he wanted to go to haunted houses...and ash just intimitdated me just cuz. but like i said i am glad they are in my life. they have been there with me thro this all the last 4-5 months. there were times i thot they were not an then there were times i felt i was not there for them or pushing them away. which probably i did. they have got me thro every single day. cheered me up, let me cry an complain, eased my pain, warmed my heart, put a huge smile on my face. there were others that did this too, but they were like in the top 2-3. i guess aside from wanting some time at dads house an some time to get stuff done an ready an time with the animals an family that i was scared an nervous about coming to visit them. i had told them this, over an over. but i promised i would, an i was excited too do so. i was so nervous an scared the day that they did come...an i was glad piglet came along...i felt bad but piglet was like my extra security....but now between the 3 of them....i am very happy. i am happy estatic to be here with them...and i have become more comfortable around them than i am with my own family with the exception of a few things. just like it feels like home here with the exception of a few things. i love them, an i am happy for them, an i am happy that i get to be a part of their life. an i plan on being there for them the way that they were for me... no joke. no joke.
it was raining outside an stephen an i were sitting at the table an he is like i am not going to the doctor, and then he asked if i wanted taco bell. i was like yep. so we went an got some. we got back an it was like 1130 and we had just started eating an, btw i went in my pjs to taco bell an i did not care, jess woke up. she had been up til like 2 on the computer. she says she was not but i am sure my phone said otherwise when i was ignoring a call from my family. while we were eating we started watching an older season of greys anatomy. stephen was going to cry....i was laughing the whole time, it was the episode where izzy lived an george died. in the middle of the episode stephen stopped it an called the doctor an made an app. while he did that i gave jess most of my grilled stuffed burrito because there was no way i was going to eat all of it...i could not finish the rest of the little i did have. i felt bad. stephen took a shower an then i did. we watched glee before hand, an i was kinda disappointed with this episode...it was mainly lame. the end was very good, but i was act disappointed in the glee club.
well then we left an went to columbia. we were there for an hour n a half. the fishys were pretty. i was dealing with my family an i text my dad and said we should get a fish an name it killer an he said lol...he is almost 60 an he said lol. wow. i was trying to find something to do so i downloaded this app that is like paint, and i downloaded kindle, but everything costs an i cannot buy books. it had been an hour an i looked up an realized that it was only me an one dude an i started getting a lil freaked. then stephen came an got me. i was glad...i had just text ash saying i was in the lobby waiting.... ... i was trying not to flip out. lol. we had finished and we left. he called ash an i listened to what he said...i was trying hard not to cry. i love my friends a lot... i told myself that i would be there for them thro everything...no joke. his red nose is no joke. so the whole way back i prayed, hard.
a few weeks ago i was nervous about stuff an now, i am so comfortable around them. car rides an table time, couch time, porch time, any time, has become cherished time. stephen an i always have great convos in the car and at the table. or just in general. i love watching him laugh. i spend a lot of time with ash in the kitchen....some times i think i get annoying cuz i sorta follow her like a lost pup. or something. but i like, no love my time with them. i love when they both smile an laugh an are happy.
we got back an din was ready. we ate. i loved the potatoes. ranch potatoes...are AMAZING...an my dad thinks i am crazy for loving it an peanut butter on pancakes....he is weird...no me.
i spent the evening talking with stephen an riding around in the wheel chair. i have been using the wheel chair a lot lately...not because i need too but i figured a day or two ago as i was thinking, that pushing myself around the house in a wheel chair that has no foot rests will help me build muscle...or should. arm an leg muscle at the same tme...i have to hold my feet up an pushing myself will buid muscle in my hands an arms. it will not help with my balance....ash says the other night i was walking without my cane but i do not remember this. i can only take a few steps without my cane. i still need to start stretching an doing act pt.
at dads house there was not much space an i could walk without my cane across the room cuz there was usu something to grab hold of an the rooms are not big...people who have been there have seen taht the biggest room in the whole hous besides the basement is the kitchen...an that is not a joke. and a lot of the house is carpet...which makes falls a lil softer. but i think i am going to start trying...it would not be so bad if i did not have to think about every thing that i am doing or worry about my balance. i can stand an put on shirts an hoddies an take them off. showering has been difficult but i get it done. and i have to be sitting down to put on any thing below the shirt. well mostly. maybe that is tmi...but it is my blog so deal and get real. i just talk about things all of us do. no joke. jeans are getting easier to put on. today i did not wear a belt with them an they act stayed up. which means i am gaining weight. or my shorts are thicker than i thot. my shoes are easy to get on an off....no strings. only thing is when they get wet they get wet all the way thro.
i have no clue what is going on with my head. there are days where i remember things from weeks or months or years ago an then there are days where i remember only the day before an then there are days where i only remember things from minutes ago. yesterday when they had got home from shopping, stephen started making soup an asked if i wanted any. i said no. they said all you had was apple jacks an a candy cane, i was like ya an then i remembered that i had had breakfast.
stephen told me that i need to move in. i told him the prob with that is i would lose the crappy job that i have, make my granma upset an leave her hanging, and then i would feel i am abandoning bubbles an stardust. and then there is this whole case thing. boo. but you know it would be great living here. i do not hve to wake up all stressed because of the fighting in the next room, because there is none of tht, i do not have to prepare myself to be treated like trash, instead i prepare myself for a wonderful day. i dread going back to st jo. ah well...
so now i am getting ready to go to bed. My head hurts I almost completely fell in the bathroom, I caught myself with my knee and hit my head on the sink.i was pretty sure I had woke them up cuz it was loud...and now I am seeing stuff...boo. stephen an ash both go to work tomorrow. jess an i are going to try giving cady a bath. which should be fun. esp since she was left outside during the 4 minute downpour. i tried drying her off. so tomorrow is also laundry time an hope ash will give me something else to do to help her out...other than resting an taking it easy. lol.
tomorrow i am also paying my phone bill an then i will be broke in my bank account. it would be great if i could pay for unlimited data an text an web an have a few hundred minutes a month..that roll over...for under 50 a month...but sadly i have not found that.
i am excited to spend christmas here. i would not want to be anywhere else.
and finally. i made ash happy last night. i have been trying forever to speak an when i did it sunday and freaked out about it, i have been scared...but have been trying. stephen is like say yes say no say hi say bye...i have been trying. i figured if i did it sunday that i can do it again. i just have to get over me an do it...i really have to think hard about a word. but i followed ash around after din. i was shaking i was scared an nervous, and ready. i sent her a message an went to give her her phone an she seemed ticked about it...i told her earlier that i might have a surprise for her. she walked out without looking at my text so i sent another one that said read me...the previous one had said i have a surprise for you..stephen was like here lets go into the bedroom. i was like ok...so we went an ash sent me a text then she was like what is your surprise...her an stephen both waited...it took me a few minutes but i finally said it...i looked at ash an i said i love you! she is like do you an i went umhum...stephen sent me a text he is like say yes an say no...so i worked on it in my head an said those two words also. right now it makes me happy that i said it. and then ash an i talked. i told her it scares me, just because in a way it is new to me...i was nervous because i did not know how it was goign to come out or even if it would...but i was determined. usu i smile an stuff, but trying to say those word i wanted to cry it scared me a lot....it hurts to talk. and my voice sounds all weak an stuff, like i have not talked for ages...lol...it is a joke. i wanted to make them both smile.
like ash said i have come so far an i am doing well. i need to stop listening to those who tell me taht i should not be able to do this or that an kick them in the face. i am trying hard to do better. i have even been practicing writing letters an numbers. and now i am going to practice saying the words that i can say or did say.
so now on to bigger an better things i hope. today was a good day for the most part.
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