Fool

My last few days:
           Have been spent playing Mario an kicking but.except when it kicked mine an I had to start the second world all over. Doing dishes…which oddly for some reason I enjoy doing…idk if it is because of the satisfction of getting them clean or of just contributing or both. Plus it gives me something to do. Making beds. I made ash an stephens the other morning an ash said I made it better than she does. Which I do not believe. I also made my bed, not the couch…tho I should have at least once because it would hve been hilarious, put a sign up that says stay off my lawn…lol. But yes my bed that is in my room. I have also spent time putting my room together. Tho it did not take long. But it is also cady’s room. I always share my room with the dogs…and cats, and other animals…and cady loves it. Organizing…my room an the dining table. And laundry…so I should be set on laundry for a few weeks.

Now on to the fool….the title of this blog post. These things are what make me a fool.

Stress -
       It just seems to get more and more intense. There are some days where I get to bed an I wonder if I will be able to sleep because of how stressed I am. There have been a few days where I felt sick to my stomach because of the stress.

Sleep -
       Another stressful thing. I have been sleeping better since I started sleeping in this room. I leave the sheet tied up at night to let some of the heat out an to let cady come an go as wants. I can barely feel my fan at night an it is usually full blast. That is how hot it gets in this room. Which when it starts getting in the single ditigs and there is snow an ice, it will be nice.
    I get to sleep an then I wake up, like last night at 1143 thinking it has been a full night sleep. Nope. So I will go back to bed wake up at 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. I sleep good, tossing an turning, but I still wake up all thro the night. I am always up before my alarm an after 5 am I do not bother going back to sleep until bed time that night.
   Dreams have been dreams an memories…sometimes both. Last night I had a horrible dream/memory. Someone who was suppose to be protecting me did the complete opposite. And then I basically relived one of the worst heart wrenching days of my life. RIP A&S! most of my dreams lately have been horrible. Someone trying to kill me, or of people who I once knew or should know. Last night in my dream I told ash an stephen something…I yelled it at them, I was fed up with something an I opened my mouth an just said it, and then they were mad at me for it, but I did not care. So a lot of dreams go like that also, I will talk or not talk an be scared either way. But for a split second it makes me feel really good.

St jo -
     So I am moving to Moberly, I am not sure for how long. I know, I was sure I would not want to come back to this town ever, but alas, here I am an really it is not even the town that I enjoy being in it is being with two of my best friends.
       It is not safe in st jo. An I got the approval to move here so it is best esp with everything that is going on in st jo.
        I do need to get some stuff from there. And Debbie cockram told me that I cn stay with her anytime an that she will help me with pt. which that would be awesome. She is only 4 blocks from my dads house. Which is another awesome thing.
         The other day I was thinking that I would get elvis another buddy an bring bubbles here with me but elvis is attached to bubbles. He cannot be away from her. So maybe a visit…which would be nice because I miss my girl. I miss elvis an stardust too but bubbles Is my baby. It would be cool to bring stardust down here but he would prob go crazy not having too much to do other than chase an be chased by cady. Lol. Plus ash does not want a cat..lol.

Room -
     I organized my room, still weird to say. Ash was sure putting that rack in here would help me not to have to bend over. Well….we were both wrong. I mean it helps some but I also have to reach high to where I almost fall backwards every single time. Putting a shelf or two up  might help. I need to get hangers. An that would help.
      I also found a lantern lamp at walmart for like 12 bucks that I want to get so I can see at night instead of walking from one side to the other and back again, across the house that is, just to get to my room. I was trying to find like glow in the dark strips or tape to put on the floor to mark door ways and other things but I could not find it.
      It is a nice room. Just right for me. An cady. I need to get a few extra pillows so I am not sleeping on the wall or the head board. Cady thinks it is her room too. She disappeared for like 30mins an I went looking for her an I found her, in my room on my bed…and she would not move for the longest time. She got over her fear of the sheet that is hanging as my door. One reason I tied it up an put it up was so cady could come in an out but now I do not have to worry about it.

PT - (physical therapy)
    I have not done this in a long long time. Like the physical stuff….mainly because I do not know how too. I walk around, like the other day we went to 3 different stores an I walked pretty much the whole store…it really hurt an made me weak, but I did it. I stand for long times. I lift things sometimes even if I know that it is too heavy, I play with cady, etc.
    Piglet was working with me on letters an numbers, an I have forgotten most of them. The book that her an her mum in law got me frustrates the CRAP out of me. I try so hard but it is sooo hard. Ash is like do not lift off the paper…it is hard.
I wish pt was something that happened every day. Both physical an mental stuff.
  Because of the slacking, which I knew would happen, I have noticed that I am moving backwards an not improving. You can say that my spelling an grammar are but I have been using word to type my blog post the last few times so it corrects almost everything. My walking has gone back to where my feet are not separating and I am almost triping over myself…I can barely stand to stand or walk..

Health -
    Someone asked me how my health was. Well to be honest….everyday I feel like crap. I never show it, but it is how I feel. I bet most people never really feel pain in all their head. I get this throbbing pain every day that travels around my whole head. It makes me dizzy, my balance becomes even more off, and I get really tired. Sometimes grumpy. But I am grumpy. Esp with my bottom wisdom tooth coming in…gah. Lately I wake up an my arms an legs are so sore that I can barely move. That is another good thing about this room. I cross the laundry room into the kitchen an there is a table with chairs right as I enter the door. Sometimes I am not even sure I can walk to it, but I do because I like spending my first waking hours with stephen an ash.
     I am trying my hardest not to get sick. Because getting sick could become more than a cold an turn into me going back into the hospital…which would aggrivate everyone.
It seems all I want to do any more is either sleep or move around, even tho moving around is painful. I know I need to start sleeping more.
      Some good stuff is I have not fell in almost 4 days. I have not had a seizure, or one that I know of, for a few weeks. Today I did get a black eye, someish, I was playing with cady an I was not expecting her to come back an try to naw at me…got me below the eye an on the chin…my fault.
       The smallest hit to the head use to knock me out an cause serious problems, now it just causes some problems an a lot of pain. Like when cady got me in the face I almost passed out, I had to grab the table just in case.
        I force myself to push beyond my spoonage because lately it seems that is what everyone wants. One day I may fall over but I will try to get back up an keep pushing.
     

Family -
        I still get crap from them. My aunt has text me, being her nosy self, asking me when I was coming back to work, why I was not in town, when I was going to be in town, where I am, who I am with, ect. She keeps bringing up things related to the case, and she keeps being mean.
     Dustin an I have been texting. It is good talking with him. He is my twin. He got the dogs two of those huge dog bones an stardust some treats.

The house -
        Things have been really tense. I have been trying to avoid any drama or problems. I have avoided looking at people lately. Now I can just run off to my room an hide which is nice.
       Today we had a family meeting an ash scared the crap out of me…like I seriously felt like crap. I mean I still do.
      Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if I had not of came or it would be better if I left, tho I know they want me here….there are just days when things are said an thing happen that I feel like I just do not belong.


Support -
          I assume that it just is not there, hardly anymore. I know in part that is my fault since I have not been in st jo or the hospital, so therefore most people have prob decided that they are no longer needed. Ah well. I have tried talking to people an they for the most part ignore me. There is  a big part of me that feels I am doing this mainly on my own, which is good I guess. Plus I have stoped asking questions cuz either people think they are not important enough to answer, dumb an pathetic so they do not answer them, or just do not want to talk to the retard who is stuck on repeat. So I have given up most of the asking stuff, because, honestly, am I going to go anywhere with my life….apparently not, so therefore I do not need to know anything.

Life -
   I have been dealing with so much ever since I can remember. Trying to find who I am, trying to remember my life, trying to just remember, trying to just be normal. There are a lot of days where things haunt me an there is no one to talk to because everyone is off to work or asleep, or busy, or stressed, and I go through the whole day in torment. Sometimes I think it would have been better for everyone if I would have never came out of the hospital. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed in st jo. There is not a day that goes by that I feel worthless or useless at one point or another.
I feel people expect me to be who I used to be an are trying to force me into the old me….but all I can be is who I am right now, which is hardly anything.

Right now -
     I am a scared little hurt kid who jumps at every single unexpected noise, hides from people I do not know, does everything in my power to try an help but cannot. I am not depressed at all. But there are many times where I am out of spoons, hurting so much, so scared, where I just want to get in bed an cry an hide. Like now. I keep looking for a protector, a hero, a safe spot, only to find one an watch it leave over an over again. I carry my penguin with me a lot, because sometimes it is the only thing that makes me feel safe. A stuffed animal, it makes you realize why lil kids carry them.
    I put on a defense so no one can see the pain an hurt or the sadness when I am feeling it. I smile I laugh, an they are real, mostly.
    I am waiting to stop being the retarded lil kid I am, who is stupid as hell right now….I need the stress to be gone, I need to be able to breath an think.

But then again. I am nobody. We are all nobodys but also we are all somebodys. And none of this is directed at anyone unless your name is right beside it. It is stuff that is going on with me an in my head.
If I could go for a walk I would….if it was not cold outside I would go find a body of water to drown it all in….but I cannot so this is the only thing I have to drown anything in.

Tomorrow -
       We are supposed to go to the store. I have a list of things that I want to get. But I may just hold off. Since I took down all the outside porch décor there is nothing really to do tomorrow. Piglet is packing to move away. Man, I just want to bawl…so I do not want to go over to watch her pack, to leave me forever. So I may just stay in bed all day and hide…I would not be missed that much.

One of these days I would really love to remember stuff, to say ya I remember that. I would love to tell the waiter or waitress what I want instead of having to text it all out or point at it. I love signing but it is frustrating. But it is better that I really cannot speak. Even typed words cannot express me.

One day at a time that is all I can do.