i do not think i ever finished the story i started with in yesterday's blog....well the title is something someone said to me at house church..not just someone but ebony. she is amazing! no joke!
most of what i wanted to do from like 4 on yesterday was cry..an once i got to house church an they started the sermon thing, i really wanted too, i wanted to hide, hide far far away from the world an just cry. so my plan was come home grab my jacket and go sit on the back porch an just cry. there were many reasons for this. when ever i get frustrated an cannot understand something i usu get teary eyed an depending on what it is i cry. i was frustrated that i could not understand a single thing they were talking about an piglet is like if there is anything just ask, but problem is she would be explaining it all...no joke. so it is not that i do not like church or do not want to learn about the god of the bible an all that comes with it, it is just that i do not understand things. and i could ask but i would prob ask the same thing over an over again, and it would take forever for everyone to find a way to explain whatever to me so that i understand. one reason i love cartoons, they are simple, easy, funny, an i learn easy with them. i wanted to cry because of what i had lit said. people are like you should not be down about it, but seriously, it scares the crap out of me. it was like i dreamed it..i barely remember an at the time i was light headed nervous an frustrated. idk why but talking scares the crap out of me, an what scares me more is how fast everything is happening. it is going on 4 weeks now that i have been out of the hospital....my progress, if that is what it is called, goes against everything on where i should be. who knows maybe last night was a random thing, maybe one day i will forget how to walk, an be back to square one, i hope that does not happen but it could. another thing that just makes me want to cry is that i am scared...about everything. i had to text my dad this am to ask him what town i live in an what my address was, cuz i cannot remember, and i feel bad about it. i am scared because i feel like a lil kid, i cannot be away from this house for more than a few hours an then i start to freak after an hour or so. if i am not with someone that i feel really safe or at a place where i feel really safe than i can only take an hour an then after that i go thro stages until i am completely freaking out, which has not happened yet, but i have freaked out about being some where, but it has not got to its worst yet. and that is good. i am frustrated because i feel i am either in the way or a lazy bum, which is the same thing, and i cannot stand it. i try to stay out of the way, leave people alone, but it does not seem to make a difference. and no matter where i am i feel i am letting someone down. i feel like people are disappointed that when i fall it is not where they can see it. there are some people that would freak out...but i cannot control when i fall. i try not to fall. i guess another reason i do not like to be away from here, or one of the 3 people that i feel really secure with is because of this town an who lives here an running into any one, would be like a nightmare.
frustration...i told stephen yesterday that i always thought the first sentence i said would be telling someone off....nope..boo on me. i am being dead serious too.
i do not know how many times i have to say this.....do not sit there an tell me that i have to trust god, or that god is telling me something, or anything like that....read these written words...i am not a believer of anything other than santa, wishes, an that there is A GOD OUT THERE, or gods, whatever it may be. i will believe what i want too but you cannot assume that i am who i once was, because...I AM NOT.
it is the holidays. whatever that may mean. an it is basically my first christmas...no joke. for some reason, really do not remember any thing in my life other than things that are triggerd by something or someone, or if it is recent. i do know that i am having a rough month. with the death of my cousin, my granma basically telling me that i need to spend christmas with my dad, an then my aunt and uncle with their constant mood swings..it is really rough. i hear people cracking your mom jokes, an i smile...but honestly...people should be very thankful that they have a mom...christmas eve my granpa went into the hospital....he never left the hospital...i do not understand why people crack jokes, one day they are going to go to do it an realize that person is no longer there an it is going to kill them. i do remember my family..and believe me it sucks....and i only remember when my granpa went in to the hospital an when he died...
trigger words....or things...some times people will say something, or something will be on tv or the radio or something an it will trigger a memory..it happens a lot with me...so i may not remember soemthing but someone says something or i see or hear somethng an it may cause me to remember somethng, whether good or bad.
morning time memory....when i first wake up i do not remember anything it takes me a few mnutes or longer, but after i am sound with everything...for like the first 30 mins or so, not long tho, i can remember things great from the prevous day...but after that 30-60 mins it goes back to wait...what did i just do two minutes ago?!...no joke.
word game...so for like a week i forgot, just up an forgot an did not remember that i had games going with friends via word wth friends an hanging with friends....so since i forgot i did not play...an it was piglet an debs that reminded me...i felt like butt. i kinda wish i had not rememberd....people are kicking my but....most people...i think they expect me to play like them an i try, hard, but it does not work an i suck an it sucks....piglet is like this will help you, but really it makes me feel like a freaking idiot. ..
today piglet was supposed to go to valeries to hang out with her an shortie, an i was invited but i am grounded an therefore could not go, not that i was able too, i pushed myself too hard yesterday an today was a day to rest an kick back....and if i went over, i would have snuck an egg...i love deviled eggs. no joke.
bruises....so i do not bruise easily but if i have them i make sure they are covered so aside from being basical lit skin a bones i wear long sleeves. in fact the other day i was in the bathroom an i had just got done with a shower an i was putting on my long sleeve shirt over my white one an saw my arm in the mirror an i about jumped back, yo could see every part of the bone even the dips...and i thought my bone was sticking out of the skin....i still am not used to seeing me like this after 4 months...or less. i hate when i have my legs just stretched out an the legs of the pants are hanging down an you can see how much i have to fill. an i pretty much used to fill most of the space.
so my day, i woke up an watched ash eat an we talked, i typed...and then she left for work...i went over an went back to sleep....i had a dream that i was on a street with a lot of the people that i in someway know...and we were being chased an well it did not end well....it was horrible. i woke up to stephen an jess moving around....an stephen made us breakfast...it was good too.
stephen is rudolph...his nose is red an bright...he keeps on asking me if i know this song or that song...i have forgotten a lot..which sucks. him an i made a deal..that for every word he gets me to say he will learn a sign...he already has learned a sign..so i am working hard on trying to say a word...it has not worked so well.
ash said that they will start helping me with pt. which will be good.
so after breakfast i went an watched tv...police women of memphis...an they left. then came back an left again. an that was how most the day was spent..them going an coming an i watchng tv. i did decide to color..two of the pictures i least liked....i just wanted to get some frstration out. jess was like that is pretty an i told her no it was not...she kept saying it was...um it wasnot an that is a fact....because that is why i just scribbled covering it.
well jess left an stephen was back for a bit an i was still at the table....and valerie came over. just for a bit. then she left an stephen was getting ready for his hot date with his wife. ash got home and then jess an then the lovely married couple left for their date....i got hungry an went to go make a sandwhich...as i was walking through the kitchen my cane an foot got stuck on a piece of paper from the lent roller an fell...i had just got up an jess was going to the bathroom. then i was making the sanwhich an jess was in the kitchen with her back turned an i tripped over my cane, but i caught myself...ugh....rudolph...stop pushing me...lol.
i think i have done enough complaining for the day an i am ready for tomorrow.
most of what i wanted to do from like 4 on yesterday was cry..an once i got to house church an they started the sermon thing, i really wanted too, i wanted to hide, hide far far away from the world an just cry. so my plan was come home grab my jacket and go sit on the back porch an just cry. there were many reasons for this. when ever i get frustrated an cannot understand something i usu get teary eyed an depending on what it is i cry. i was frustrated that i could not understand a single thing they were talking about an piglet is like if there is anything just ask, but problem is she would be explaining it all...no joke. so it is not that i do not like church or do not want to learn about the god of the bible an all that comes with it, it is just that i do not understand things. and i could ask but i would prob ask the same thing over an over again, and it would take forever for everyone to find a way to explain whatever to me so that i understand. one reason i love cartoons, they are simple, easy, funny, an i learn easy with them. i wanted to cry because of what i had lit said. people are like you should not be down about it, but seriously, it scares the crap out of me. it was like i dreamed it..i barely remember an at the time i was light headed nervous an frustrated. idk why but talking scares the crap out of me, an what scares me more is how fast everything is happening. it is going on 4 weeks now that i have been out of the hospital....my progress, if that is what it is called, goes against everything on where i should be. who knows maybe last night was a random thing, maybe one day i will forget how to walk, an be back to square one, i hope that does not happen but it could. another thing that just makes me want to cry is that i am scared...about everything. i had to text my dad this am to ask him what town i live in an what my address was, cuz i cannot remember, and i feel bad about it. i am scared because i feel like a lil kid, i cannot be away from this house for more than a few hours an then i start to freak after an hour or so. if i am not with someone that i feel really safe or at a place where i feel really safe than i can only take an hour an then after that i go thro stages until i am completely freaking out, which has not happened yet, but i have freaked out about being some where, but it has not got to its worst yet. and that is good. i am frustrated because i feel i am either in the way or a lazy bum, which is the same thing, and i cannot stand it. i try to stay out of the way, leave people alone, but it does not seem to make a difference. and no matter where i am i feel i am letting someone down. i feel like people are disappointed that when i fall it is not where they can see it. there are some people that would freak out...but i cannot control when i fall. i try not to fall. i guess another reason i do not like to be away from here, or one of the 3 people that i feel really secure with is because of this town an who lives here an running into any one, would be like a nightmare.
frustration...i told stephen yesterday that i always thought the first sentence i said would be telling someone off....nope..boo on me. i am being dead serious too.
i do not know how many times i have to say this.....do not sit there an tell me that i have to trust god, or that god is telling me something, or anything like that....read these written words...i am not a believer of anything other than santa, wishes, an that there is A GOD OUT THERE, or gods, whatever it may be. i will believe what i want too but you cannot assume that i am who i once was, because...I AM NOT.
it is the holidays. whatever that may mean. an it is basically my first christmas...no joke. for some reason, really do not remember any thing in my life other than things that are triggerd by something or someone, or if it is recent. i do know that i am having a rough month. with the death of my cousin, my granma basically telling me that i need to spend christmas with my dad, an then my aunt and uncle with their constant mood swings..it is really rough. i hear people cracking your mom jokes, an i smile...but honestly...people should be very thankful that they have a mom...christmas eve my granpa went into the hospital....he never left the hospital...i do not understand why people crack jokes, one day they are going to go to do it an realize that person is no longer there an it is going to kill them. i do remember my family..and believe me it sucks....and i only remember when my granpa went in to the hospital an when he died...
trigger words....or things...some times people will say something, or something will be on tv or the radio or something an it will trigger a memory..it happens a lot with me...so i may not remember soemthing but someone says something or i see or hear somethng an it may cause me to remember somethng, whether good or bad.
morning time memory....when i first wake up i do not remember anything it takes me a few mnutes or longer, but after i am sound with everything...for like the first 30 mins or so, not long tho, i can remember things great from the prevous day...but after that 30-60 mins it goes back to wait...what did i just do two minutes ago?!...no joke.
word game...so for like a week i forgot, just up an forgot an did not remember that i had games going with friends via word wth friends an hanging with friends....so since i forgot i did not play...an it was piglet an debs that reminded me...i felt like butt. i kinda wish i had not rememberd....people are kicking my but....most people...i think they expect me to play like them an i try, hard, but it does not work an i suck an it sucks....piglet is like this will help you, but really it makes me feel like a freaking idiot. ..
today piglet was supposed to go to valeries to hang out with her an shortie, an i was invited but i am grounded an therefore could not go, not that i was able too, i pushed myself too hard yesterday an today was a day to rest an kick back....and if i went over, i would have snuck an egg...i love deviled eggs. no joke.
bruises....so i do not bruise easily but if i have them i make sure they are covered so aside from being basical lit skin a bones i wear long sleeves. in fact the other day i was in the bathroom an i had just got done with a shower an i was putting on my long sleeve shirt over my white one an saw my arm in the mirror an i about jumped back, yo could see every part of the bone even the dips...and i thought my bone was sticking out of the skin....i still am not used to seeing me like this after 4 months...or less. i hate when i have my legs just stretched out an the legs of the pants are hanging down an you can see how much i have to fill. an i pretty much used to fill most of the space.
so my day, i woke up an watched ash eat an we talked, i typed...and then she left for work...i went over an went back to sleep....i had a dream that i was on a street with a lot of the people that i in someway know...and we were being chased an well it did not end well....it was horrible. i woke up to stephen an jess moving around....an stephen made us breakfast...it was good too.
stephen is rudolph...his nose is red an bright...he keeps on asking me if i know this song or that song...i have forgotten a lot..which sucks. him an i made a deal..that for every word he gets me to say he will learn a sign...he already has learned a sign..so i am working hard on trying to say a word...it has not worked so well.
ash said that they will start helping me with pt. which will be good.
so after breakfast i went an watched tv...police women of memphis...an they left. then came back an left again. an that was how most the day was spent..them going an coming an i watchng tv. i did decide to color..two of the pictures i least liked....i just wanted to get some frstration out. jess was like that is pretty an i told her no it was not...she kept saying it was...um it wasnot an that is a fact....because that is why i just scribbled covering it.
well jess left an stephen was back for a bit an i was still at the table....and valerie came over. just for a bit. then she left an stephen was getting ready for his hot date with his wife. ash got home and then jess an then the lovely married couple left for their date....i got hungry an went to go make a sandwhich...as i was walking through the kitchen my cane an foot got stuck on a piece of paper from the lent roller an fell...i had just got up an jess was going to the bathroom. then i was making the sanwhich an jess was in the kitchen with her back turned an i tripped over my cane, but i caught myself...ugh....rudolph...stop pushing me...lol.
i think i have done enough complaining for the day an i am ready for tomorrow.
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