so i had another idea for todays post but something else came up that needs to be put out there.
piglet brought it up an i thot well if she done it then others are too an it is my fault.
what you may ask? well...it is easy but hard. i am 22 years old. my grammar is that of someone younger, my mind tho is that of a lil kid, an my emotions are that of a baby-2 year old. like piglet said it depends on the aspect.
honesty time. this whole week i have just not been able to get over the urge to cry. an it has been every day. do not get me wrong, i am happy to be here an estatic to get to be around so many awesome people. i know what it was the night of the living windows, it was cuz i felt like a freak. and i know part of it is that little kid that i am.
when i was in the hospital i had security, i knew everyday who i would see, where i would be going, and what would be happening. i did not have to worry about anything, just trying my best. and there was nothing new, except when i was moved, and it was just new people and a different looking room. and it was okay to show that i was scared that i was upset, that i did not understand, that i was frustrated.
now i am out of the hospital an all that is different. there is some security but in so many ways i feel so insecure. i mostly know who i will see everyday, or where i will be going, an some of what will be happening. i have stuff to worry about, apart from things that you all worry about, i have to worry about my next step an if i can make it, how much strength i have, if i can put on a hoodie or jacket, etc. i have to worry about my spoons. i have to worry about rest an healing, now you may say that is nothing to worry about, but it is. and now everything is new, i have no clue what a lot of things are, but act like i do or just let people assume that i do. EVERYTHING is new, an people are new too. i may know you or have known you really well but if you were not talking to me constantly in the hospital than i just know of you. i am constantly scared. when people come in, or we go somewhere, i am terrified. i am constantly shaking, and it is a mix of fear weakeness an sometime coldness, but mainly fear. it may seem stupid to you but it is a for real thing. i shut down when new people walk in or when someone comes over. i hate it, because it is stupid, but i cannot help it. i am saying all this because i guess people think because my grammar is big kid talk that the rest of me is big kid everything also, but it is not true.
ash an i went to walmart. after living windows i really did not want to go out in public again. i was so embarraseed an not used to getting the freak stares. but i decided i was going to go and get spend some time with ash. we got there walked in an ash got a wheelchair. i was expecting one of those stupid ones that we laughed at the other day but she came back with one that actually looked good. the door greeter person was very nice an helpful an we went through the store...let me just say foot rests are nice. lol. and i still got those freak looks but this time was a lot different from the living windows time. there were people who were nice an you could see in the face, or i could, that some did not think of me as any less than them. but when i am in a wheel chair, or if you sit down an you are looking up at people, that is how i feel all the time.
i am fine most the time around ash an stephen, because i know them. i know that they are awesome. i know they will help me, i know they will try their best to keep me safe, and i know that they are not scary, except in the mornings. lol...jk. i talk to them everyday. i talked to them almost everyday i was in the hospital.
same goes for piglet, shortie, and bambam. sure there are tiems that i want to close down an go hide under my blankets.
i am still getting used to jess.
i do not know my animals or colors, i am working on my numbers an letter. an yes i know some would think well if you can read then you should know your colors and everything else, but that is not right.
i am understanding what a baby feels like. feeling trapped. wanting to communicate but do not have the means or the words. being so full of so many emotions an just wanting to cry because that is the only way to deal with them even for a bit. seeing the world in a whole different way than adults see it.
i like cady being around. i like when i go to piglets an the dogs are there. i like when they come up to me an i can pet an play with them. i love it when they sit on my lap or right next to me an cuddle with me. that helps so much. animals give affections. they love giving it an they love getting it. i would love to get o n the floor an play with cady. when i play with the dogs or when they are laying right next to me, i forget all my fears. and i feel safe. an i let my emotions go an my guard down an i am just so happy, an smiley.
ash got me a coloring book. i was not sure what one way. but this one has puppys an kittys an other animals. i sat most the afternoon at the table just coloring. i like coloring. it is fun, and i get to make pictures pretty.
i like it when others color too.
today ash an i watched kid shows all morning. then we made pancakes, or she did, i offered to help. then we went to walmart. i got to see becky, she is nice. we came out an it was raining. we got home an i started coloring. i mde ash, stephen, cady, an jess a pic. i even wrote baf on them an tried spelling their names. but i do not know how to write anything past p...so ash had to help me. jess came home an they watched movies. i did not because the movie they were watching had my mom favorite actress in it an i was sad. so i just colored. i then was alost all the way asleep at the table an then i feflt my self falling to the floor an iwoke up. it was funny. jess fixed dinner an we ate. then piglet showed up. ash stephen an jess watched another movie, an piglet an i colored an read a nother chapter. we sat on the kitchen floor. i had told piglet that she might have to get one of the others to help get me up but she said she could handle it. in the end tho i was able to get up on my own.
an apparently i am very funny an give funny looks. piglet was turning dark from laughing so hard. it was hilarious. she thinks i am aweome and funny. and ash kept on laughing at the things my face was doing.
they were talking abot going to church. i told bambam i was scared, an i also told piglet this. i am not sure what to expect. i want to spend time with everyone an i want to not be scared but i am freaked out! it is the kid in me. so we will see what happens.
now i have to worry about sleep. i went to bed last night an then i woke at 128 and i thought it was morning. like 8. then i woke at 230something thinking the same thing. an i was up for a bit. i went an drunk some juice. then i woke up an i was on the floor. i had feel off the couch. it was not hard to get back up, well for the most part. so i hope tonight i sleep without falling, without sad scary dreams, and without waking up only an hour after i go to bed.
over all i feel like a jerk for keeping this all quiet an not realizing that i have to let people know where i am mentally an every where else. i am a kid stuck inside, i am a kid an i do not care. i cannot just grow up in a day...and i will not even try to.
piglet brought it up an i thot well if she done it then others are too an it is my fault.
what you may ask? well...it is easy but hard. i am 22 years old. my grammar is that of someone younger, my mind tho is that of a lil kid, an my emotions are that of a baby-2 year old. like piglet said it depends on the aspect.
honesty time. this whole week i have just not been able to get over the urge to cry. an it has been every day. do not get me wrong, i am happy to be here an estatic to get to be around so many awesome people. i know what it was the night of the living windows, it was cuz i felt like a freak. and i know part of it is that little kid that i am.
when i was in the hospital i had security, i knew everyday who i would see, where i would be going, and what would be happening. i did not have to worry about anything, just trying my best. and there was nothing new, except when i was moved, and it was just new people and a different looking room. and it was okay to show that i was scared that i was upset, that i did not understand, that i was frustrated.
now i am out of the hospital an all that is different. there is some security but in so many ways i feel so insecure. i mostly know who i will see everyday, or where i will be going, an some of what will be happening. i have stuff to worry about, apart from things that you all worry about, i have to worry about my next step an if i can make it, how much strength i have, if i can put on a hoodie or jacket, etc. i have to worry about my spoons. i have to worry about rest an healing, now you may say that is nothing to worry about, but it is. and now everything is new, i have no clue what a lot of things are, but act like i do or just let people assume that i do. EVERYTHING is new, an people are new too. i may know you or have known you really well but if you were not talking to me constantly in the hospital than i just know of you. i am constantly scared. when people come in, or we go somewhere, i am terrified. i am constantly shaking, and it is a mix of fear weakeness an sometime coldness, but mainly fear. it may seem stupid to you but it is a for real thing. i shut down when new people walk in or when someone comes over. i hate it, because it is stupid, but i cannot help it. i am saying all this because i guess people think because my grammar is big kid talk that the rest of me is big kid everything also, but it is not true.
ash an i went to walmart. after living windows i really did not want to go out in public again. i was so embarraseed an not used to getting the freak stares. but i decided i was going to go and get spend some time with ash. we got there walked in an ash got a wheelchair. i was expecting one of those stupid ones that we laughed at the other day but she came back with one that actually looked good. the door greeter person was very nice an helpful an we went through the store...let me just say foot rests are nice. lol. and i still got those freak looks but this time was a lot different from the living windows time. there were people who were nice an you could see in the face, or i could, that some did not think of me as any less than them. but when i am in a wheel chair, or if you sit down an you are looking up at people, that is how i feel all the time.
i am fine most the time around ash an stephen, because i know them. i know that they are awesome. i know they will help me, i know they will try their best to keep me safe, and i know that they are not scary, except in the mornings. lol...jk. i talk to them everyday. i talked to them almost everyday i was in the hospital.
same goes for piglet, shortie, and bambam. sure there are tiems that i want to close down an go hide under my blankets.
i am still getting used to jess.
i do not know my animals or colors, i am working on my numbers an letter. an yes i know some would think well if you can read then you should know your colors and everything else, but that is not right.
i am understanding what a baby feels like. feeling trapped. wanting to communicate but do not have the means or the words. being so full of so many emotions an just wanting to cry because that is the only way to deal with them even for a bit. seeing the world in a whole different way than adults see it.
i like cady being around. i like when i go to piglets an the dogs are there. i like when they come up to me an i can pet an play with them. i love it when they sit on my lap or right next to me an cuddle with me. that helps so much. animals give affections. they love giving it an they love getting it. i would love to get o n the floor an play with cady. when i play with the dogs or when they are laying right next to me, i forget all my fears. and i feel safe. an i let my emotions go an my guard down an i am just so happy, an smiley.
ash got me a coloring book. i was not sure what one way. but this one has puppys an kittys an other animals. i sat most the afternoon at the table just coloring. i like coloring. it is fun, and i get to make pictures pretty.
i like it when others color too.
today ash an i watched kid shows all morning. then we made pancakes, or she did, i offered to help. then we went to walmart. i got to see becky, she is nice. we came out an it was raining. we got home an i started coloring. i mde ash, stephen, cady, an jess a pic. i even wrote baf on them an tried spelling their names. but i do not know how to write anything past p...so ash had to help me. jess came home an they watched movies. i did not because the movie they were watching had my mom favorite actress in it an i was sad. so i just colored. i then was alost all the way asleep at the table an then i feflt my self falling to the floor an iwoke up. it was funny. jess fixed dinner an we ate. then piglet showed up. ash stephen an jess watched another movie, an piglet an i colored an read a nother chapter. we sat on the kitchen floor. i had told piglet that she might have to get one of the others to help get me up but she said she could handle it. in the end tho i was able to get up on my own.
an apparently i am very funny an give funny looks. piglet was turning dark from laughing so hard. it was hilarious. she thinks i am aweome and funny. and ash kept on laughing at the things my face was doing.
they were talking abot going to church. i told bambam i was scared, an i also told piglet this. i am not sure what to expect. i want to spend time with everyone an i want to not be scared but i am freaked out! it is the kid in me. so we will see what happens.
now i have to worry about sleep. i went to bed last night an then i woke at 128 and i thought it was morning. like 8. then i woke at 230something thinking the same thing. an i was up for a bit. i went an drunk some juice. then i woke up an i was on the floor. i had feel off the couch. it was not hard to get back up, well for the most part. so i hope tonight i sleep without falling, without sad scary dreams, and without waking up only an hour after i go to bed.
over all i feel like a jerk for keeping this all quiet an not realizing that i have to let people know where i am mentally an every where else. i am a kid stuck inside, i am a kid an i do not care. i cannot just grow up in a day...and i will not even try to.
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