so i said i was not going to write a post well i changed my mind. mainly because i am frustrted..and instead of smashing my phone i think it best to just blog.
the last few nights my family along with other things has not allowed me to get sleep. like the jones like to say, if it is not one thing it is another.
anyone that knows me knows that i will not complain except in my blog an even then it is something that has to be really bothering me for me to complain about it. and i do not say anything about anything unless i am fed up or asked an still then it is up in the air on whether or not i will.
so back to the family thing. i know this sounds bad but i seriously feel like i could just call everyone up saying i could talk, more than i do, and tell them, i am not coming back...ever. but sad part is i must. they have been onto me about my car an dads car, dustin, my animals, my job, and as i keep hearing, bubbles misses you, i really want yo to come home, you need to be there for .... , and it is not just thro the day but thro the night. and not only when i am awake but asleep too.
i am ready just to sign my car over to my aunt an say here, it is your problem now, figure out soemthing to tell my granma, tell my dad to take good care of my animals, and talk to people on my case about it...
fact is...i am NOT in st jo, an i am stressed out....i cannot tell you how many times i thought about putting my phone in my tea, throwing it out the window, smashing it...just because it does me no good to get this crap from my family.
i am pissed because in the one week i was there i made up all the time for work that i would miss so i could get paid an now i am not getting that time or pay check...which sucks. and i really could cuss up a freaking storm about it.
i honestly feel like giving p on this whole walking thing. ya i can do it, but almost every day i fall....and it has been messing with my head a whole lot...i am frustrated because it seems that people are upset when i fall. so from now on i am prob just going to shut up about it an i fall i fall, it is as simple as that...an well...i will not say the rest. i have hit my head in the same place hard 2 times in the last 24 hours...and just goe to show that i do not bruise easily. so aside from being creepily white...if i fall, well there are no bruises so no proof. and my head is killing the heck out of me an it is like what ever. i bent over tonight to let cady off her chain and i almost passed out...and it was not from pain. well...whatever.
if you could not tell i am at that point where not getting sleep has left me in a not so good mood.
ash said earlier today something that is true that even i tend to forget or ignore..i did just get out of the hospital 3 weeks ago..a month ago...one of those....maybe i am thinking i need to be doing this an that when really i need to take time to be doing easier stuff. i need to stop trying to rush things an give myself a chance to cope, heal, an rest...all this stress an overduing it is not good for me...an i need to stop being a freaking dumbass idiot an back down.
i want so badly to be able to do it all an make everyone happy knowing it is not going to happen, an right now the only person that i need to focus on is me..whether it may seem selfish or not, i do believe it is true. i want so badly to help others out an to do my share but it will not happen if i do not help myself out first.
i have no idea what i am going to do for christmas..i mean i know where i am going to be, or i hope i do, i know where i plan on being. but as far as presents come..i feel bad about getting things an not being able to do the same..maybe there is something i can do, so we will see. but it will not be great an it will not be nothing like a real present.
i remember one day at the hospital, i was feeling very weird an i think within that day or something like that i ended up having a surgery....that feeling is what i am feeling now...but i guess i should not worry. no matter what happens it will not be a big deal.
it has only been a month but it feels like a year since i hae been in the hospital. and i am trying my best not to end up back in it.
i am so frustrated i am in tears. someone said something today an it was like a total blow to me...but whatever it is something i will get over...because it is something no one but me cares about....and when i say that i mean everything that is in this blog post.
i am going to bed. tonight i miss bubbles sleeping right next to me, elvis laying in the arch of my legs an stardust trying to sleep on my face....i am missig their security an comfort..cuz right now...i feel helpless an alone..and it seems maybe i should be.
the last few nights my family along with other things has not allowed me to get sleep. like the jones like to say, if it is not one thing it is another.
anyone that knows me knows that i will not complain except in my blog an even then it is something that has to be really bothering me for me to complain about it. and i do not say anything about anything unless i am fed up or asked an still then it is up in the air on whether or not i will.
so back to the family thing. i know this sounds bad but i seriously feel like i could just call everyone up saying i could talk, more than i do, and tell them, i am not coming back...ever. but sad part is i must. they have been onto me about my car an dads car, dustin, my animals, my job, and as i keep hearing, bubbles misses you, i really want yo to come home, you need to be there for .... , and it is not just thro the day but thro the night. and not only when i am awake but asleep too.
i am ready just to sign my car over to my aunt an say here, it is your problem now, figure out soemthing to tell my granma, tell my dad to take good care of my animals, and talk to people on my case about it...
fact is...i am NOT in st jo, an i am stressed out....i cannot tell you how many times i thought about putting my phone in my tea, throwing it out the window, smashing it...just because it does me no good to get this crap from my family.
i am pissed because in the one week i was there i made up all the time for work that i would miss so i could get paid an now i am not getting that time or pay check...which sucks. and i really could cuss up a freaking storm about it.
i honestly feel like giving p on this whole walking thing. ya i can do it, but almost every day i fall....and it has been messing with my head a whole lot...i am frustrated because it seems that people are upset when i fall. so from now on i am prob just going to shut up about it an i fall i fall, it is as simple as that...an well...i will not say the rest. i have hit my head in the same place hard 2 times in the last 24 hours...and just goe to show that i do not bruise easily. so aside from being creepily white...if i fall, well there are no bruises so no proof. and my head is killing the heck out of me an it is like what ever. i bent over tonight to let cady off her chain and i almost passed out...and it was not from pain. well...whatever.
if you could not tell i am at that point where not getting sleep has left me in a not so good mood.
ash said earlier today something that is true that even i tend to forget or ignore..i did just get out of the hospital 3 weeks ago..a month ago...one of those....maybe i am thinking i need to be doing this an that when really i need to take time to be doing easier stuff. i need to stop trying to rush things an give myself a chance to cope, heal, an rest...all this stress an overduing it is not good for me...an i need to stop being a freaking dumbass idiot an back down.
i want so badly to be able to do it all an make everyone happy knowing it is not going to happen, an right now the only person that i need to focus on is me..whether it may seem selfish or not, i do believe it is true. i want so badly to help others out an to do my share but it will not happen if i do not help myself out first.
i have no idea what i am going to do for christmas..i mean i know where i am going to be, or i hope i do, i know where i plan on being. but as far as presents come..i feel bad about getting things an not being able to do the same..maybe there is something i can do, so we will see. but it will not be great an it will not be nothing like a real present.
i remember one day at the hospital, i was feeling very weird an i think within that day or something like that i ended up having a surgery....that feeling is what i am feeling now...but i guess i should not worry. no matter what happens it will not be a big deal.
it has only been a month but it feels like a year since i hae been in the hospital. and i am trying my best not to end up back in it.
i am so frustrated i am in tears. someone said something today an it was like a total blow to me...but whatever it is something i will get over...because it is something no one but me cares about....and when i say that i mean everything that is in this blog post.
i am going to bed. tonight i miss bubbles sleeping right next to me, elvis laying in the arch of my legs an stardust trying to sleep on my face....i am missig their security an comfort..cuz right now...i feel helpless an alone..and it seems maybe i should be.
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