yesterday was an ok day...frustrating but ok. i woke up an sat with ash...than i waited for everyone else to get up. which took a long time..cady an i just layed on the couch watching fred claus. stephen an i spent most the day chatting an sitting around watching movies....
ash got home from work an we all went to columbia...while waiting for them so we could leave...i made a makeshift ramp to get in an out of the laundry room and kitchen...it will build muscle in my arms for sho...esp since the floor is slanted.
we were on the way to columbia an i could not help but to close my eyes. we got to hobby lobby an we were not sure they had wheelchairs but, ta da, they did, and it was my bright idea to bring mine with us, which we did not use..so we went around hobby lobby an got gifts...ash an i picked one out for jess an ash is like take off your hoodie...so i did an covered the gift...i was waiting to get stopped by security an be charged with shop lifting...no joke. we got done an then we went to steak an shake...the mushrooms on my burger were amazing...before we got in the store we were crossing the parking lot....and i almost got run over by this elderly couple backing up. they were not paying attention, everyone else was getting upset an stuffa n i was just like should i wait or continue..n then i thought well if they hit me, it would not be the worst thing to happen to me. the whole time we were in the place stephen was pretty mad....he wanted to go tell them off, an they were sitting a few tables behind us. then jess thought the waitress was being rude to me an i was like she was just doing her job, prob tired, an ready to get off. maybe she had not had the best customers...i thought she did a good job. we got done we went to go pay...i walked out the door...i was tired of standing..my legs were killing me n so was my head...if i had my choice i would not have walked any where....i know that sounds bad but that is how much my legs hurt. we got in the car an left...i closed my eyes an was half asleep...i kept hearing over an over again cat an sink.
we got home an i got out ...i was walking up the steps an half way i forgot what i was doing....but it did not last long. we got inside an i fixed up the couch from where cady had jumped off of it to run an greet us. i thought if i layed on the couch i would fall sleep but it did not happen. so i went an joined everyone an we watched stephen wrap the gifts. well about 30 mins had passed...i had taught jess an ash a few letters...and how to count to 20...even tho they helped me...i could not remember past 3...which means that i will get to taht later...we had traded seats an were watching stephen wrap the last gift...and his phone went off....ash answered it an a smile creeped over my fce....it was bambaam...jess looked at me all funny...i did not care...it was my bambam an i love my bambam. i covered my ears so i could not hear anything but ash...who talks loud... finally cady an i layed down on the couch n jess went to her room...she could have stayed out an watched the rest of that movie...i would have just fell a sleep. i unplugged everything but my fan which i instead plugged in...and i and cady went to sleep. 2 am an i was up. when i wake up that early i just lay on the couch...i do not turn on the tv or anythign else, an occassionally i let cady out. i turned off my alarm...and cady an i just kept each other company...she kept going bck an forth...at 528 i got up an let cady out....and turned on the tv. i sat at the table an ash joined me...we did not talk much....and then stephen sat at the table an we did not talk much. the only thing i remember them saying is ash said i look tired...and then them talking about toliet paper an the store. they left an i turned it to weather channel an then got on my faccebook.
so now i am watching tv an writing this an waiting for things to arrive an it to snow.
so remember earlier when i said i was half way up the steps an i forgot what i was doing, an that my legs were killing me to the point i did not even want to walk. ... this is what happens when pt basically becomes none exsistant. i could only count to 20 last night because ash was counting out loud. before that i could only count to 3...and i was trying hard to remember how to count. for a split second i forgot how to walk up the steps...this could cause problems...i get up an i walk to the kitchen or bathroom or car...but i think i am not working my legs enough. and my balance lately has been getting worse. a few days ago ash an i had got back from the store an she was like now do not you fall...i got up the steps n into the laundry room by the fridge an i went to take a step an my cane slipped, n this has been happening a lot...even more so now...and i lean on it pretty heavily, it scares me.
which leads me to sleep. i am barely sleeping at all. jasi did tell me there would be weeks where i would not sleep at all an weeks where that would be all i did...an i know this, i guess i did at least..that is how it was in the hospital. so why should it be any different now?
i sleep for 1-2 hours an then i am up, an it does not matter how tired i am, i do not go back to sleep in the mornings any more, and i may close my eyes but i rarely take a nap, all this in hopes that i will sleep through the whole night...my dreams have been crazy too. like they seem so real tho they are not real at all...like the one morning i did not get up to see ash an stephen off to work i could have swore that they had come back an were in the living room ....but it was a dream. then last night i had a dream stephen was showing me something at the table an it seemed real. it is a lot better than my dreams of me or others dying. or always being chased by people or tornadoes. or lately besides the death part is has been of friends being mad at me for talking and me being confused on whether i should talk or not. ....i guess they scare me, or are scary to me because of how much it stresses me out in real life.
so this talking thing. so far aside from what i said to piglet, i have said i love you too, yes, no, hello, and thank you....and cady. lol. it lit scares me to talk...i am not sure what i am trying to say will be what i will say, and therefore i do not want to sound like the dumb retarded fool i am...and some words i am not sure how to say...those words i have heard a lot...i told ash the other night i would have said yum but i want not sure how too. and even tho she said it a few times i just could not get it in my head. plus when i do talk it hurts my throat a lot an my head.. i am not sure why it hurts my head but it does. then it scares me...and then i get excited an then scared agin....it is just weird.
i think part of my problem with my head hurting is that i have had my glasses for 5 years almost an have not been able to get them updated...so i need new perscription an glasses or contacts. lol. they do not even stay on my head because they are so loose an old. so i am thinking that if and when i go back to st. jo for a week or two i will see if i can work those two week an get 180 like i should if not more and make an app to get a new perscript. i think last time i got my eyes checked was not too long ago and the lady had me take the read the letters from this row test. she asked me to read the second line so i started to an after the 3rd letter she is like there is only two letters....hahaha...oops. so i need to do something about my eyes lol.
my memory is a pain in my butt. forgetting how to get up steps, forgetting how to count, forgetting everything that happened the day before or even a few hours ago is dumb. i am going to get a calandar or something to mark off so i know when i take my vitamins so i do not take them more than once a day.ash was joking about something last night but it was a real good idea...well part of it...she said i guess i should put sticky notes all over the house saying what things are in creol...well instead of doing that maybe in english, there are somethings that i have no clue what they are....it is prob dumb idea...lol. i know that i need to do stuff soon. i asked my brother if he knew where my flash cards are...still waiting to hear from him.
this morning i talked to my dad on facebook for a bit....remember how just a few days ago...those two guys broke into my dads house? an slashed his tires? well early this am dustin was out an about an they jumped him. he will not press charges..he is in the hospital with a partially collapsed lung. and it is all my fault. i am pissed the hell off by this all. my family may not be the greatest but when you have an issue with me an you go after them, best better believe that i will hunt you down....i am ready to go kick their asses....i am thankful that so far it has not turned into something worse with my brother. i just wish it did not happen. my dad an my aunt are there at his hospital bed side...
i sent a email to the people on my case telling them, one i do not understand why they refuse to do anything about the house an car....and two...telling them that i do not think st jo is a safe place for me to be. so i told them everything....so now i just wait.
right now i am paranoid an scared out of my mind...i want to go kick ass but i know that i cannot...so that leaves me to this, hiding in my bed. every time a person walks by the front of the house or a car goes down the side street i slouch down some, i have constantly checked the doors to make sure they are locked, my phone is charged, the slightest sound or movement scares the crud out of me....sometimes i wonder if this is how my life will always be....living in hidden state of fear..waiting for something bad to walk right through the door, looking over my shoulder to see wht is going on.
it has not been bad until i found out what happened to dustin.so i hope i sleep tonight...
so my phone is still not working...pisses me off...but i am getting a new one an a new number an hopefully this is the last one for a long long time...no joke. for this i am very thankful...no joke...no joke. i am trying to get one of my family members to buy my old phone from me. the one that i just bought a month or two ago an spent over 150 on. now i am just waitning to hear from my dad on what my checking balance is. i left my debit card with them to pay for the stuff on the car. the car in which i think i am just going to give to my aunt....or tell them they can use it for the next few months, depending on what the response is to that email.
i am sad a bout leaving bubbles in st. jo...maybe she can come visit.....tho it scares me that her an cady will not get along. i thought maybe if i got a job that paid 10-15 a week...like doing something for someone, something easy that i can an am able to do, that just maybe i could get a pup....but i do not want to scare cady an i do not want anyone to lose sleep. i do remember, only because i am thinking about this subject, a conversation that me an one of the therapist had. they asked if i had any pets an i told the person what we have. they said taht is great an will help with therapy. which proves to be true...i could not move my arms very good until a few days after i got home, same with my hands....after a few days of playing with the dogs an other animals, an petting them...my arm movement got better. same is said here too. with cady my stepping has improved an bending over has gotten easier.
my hair is annoying me. it is conforming to my scars so when my hair is out of place, it is usu in the spot where a scar is...speaking of hair...i think i need a hair cut soon.
so it is no surpise taht i am a jerk. i am mean. i am selfish. i am not who i used to be. i will just leave it at that.
so last bid of business..christmas. i am not sure what i expected. they said it is a day you give gifts so i got gifts an wrapped them....i am sstill not sure waht christmas is. ok i have no idea what it is at all. i just know that everyone around me is trying to make it an awesome one. it already is awesome...just saying.
ash got home from work an we all went to columbia...while waiting for them so we could leave...i made a makeshift ramp to get in an out of the laundry room and kitchen...it will build muscle in my arms for sho...esp since the floor is slanted.
we were on the way to columbia an i could not help but to close my eyes. we got to hobby lobby an we were not sure they had wheelchairs but, ta da, they did, and it was my bright idea to bring mine with us, which we did not use..so we went around hobby lobby an got gifts...ash an i picked one out for jess an ash is like take off your hoodie...so i did an covered the gift...i was waiting to get stopped by security an be charged with shop lifting...no joke. we got done an then we went to steak an shake...the mushrooms on my burger were amazing...before we got in the store we were crossing the parking lot....and i almost got run over by this elderly couple backing up. they were not paying attention, everyone else was getting upset an stuffa n i was just like should i wait or continue..n then i thought well if they hit me, it would not be the worst thing to happen to me. the whole time we were in the place stephen was pretty mad....he wanted to go tell them off, an they were sitting a few tables behind us. then jess thought the waitress was being rude to me an i was like she was just doing her job, prob tired, an ready to get off. maybe she had not had the best customers...i thought she did a good job. we got done we went to go pay...i walked out the door...i was tired of standing..my legs were killing me n so was my head...if i had my choice i would not have walked any where....i know that sounds bad but that is how much my legs hurt. we got in the car an left...i closed my eyes an was half asleep...i kept hearing over an over again cat an sink.
we got home an i got out ...i was walking up the steps an half way i forgot what i was doing....but it did not last long. we got inside an i fixed up the couch from where cady had jumped off of it to run an greet us. i thought if i layed on the couch i would fall sleep but it did not happen. so i went an joined everyone an we watched stephen wrap the gifts. well about 30 mins had passed...i had taught jess an ash a few letters...and how to count to 20...even tho they helped me...i could not remember past 3...which means that i will get to taht later...we had traded seats an were watching stephen wrap the last gift...and his phone went off....ash answered it an a smile creeped over my fce....it was bambaam...jess looked at me all funny...i did not care...it was my bambam an i love my bambam. i covered my ears so i could not hear anything but ash...who talks loud... finally cady an i layed down on the couch n jess went to her room...she could have stayed out an watched the rest of that movie...i would have just fell a sleep. i unplugged everything but my fan which i instead plugged in...and i and cady went to sleep. 2 am an i was up. when i wake up that early i just lay on the couch...i do not turn on the tv or anythign else, an occassionally i let cady out. i turned off my alarm...and cady an i just kept each other company...she kept going bck an forth...at 528 i got up an let cady out....and turned on the tv. i sat at the table an ash joined me...we did not talk much....and then stephen sat at the table an we did not talk much. the only thing i remember them saying is ash said i look tired...and then them talking about toliet paper an the store. they left an i turned it to weather channel an then got on my faccebook.
so now i am watching tv an writing this an waiting for things to arrive an it to snow.
so remember earlier when i said i was half way up the steps an i forgot what i was doing, an that my legs were killing me to the point i did not even want to walk. ... this is what happens when pt basically becomes none exsistant. i could only count to 20 last night because ash was counting out loud. before that i could only count to 3...and i was trying hard to remember how to count. for a split second i forgot how to walk up the steps...this could cause problems...i get up an i walk to the kitchen or bathroom or car...but i think i am not working my legs enough. and my balance lately has been getting worse. a few days ago ash an i had got back from the store an she was like now do not you fall...i got up the steps n into the laundry room by the fridge an i went to take a step an my cane slipped, n this has been happening a lot...even more so now...and i lean on it pretty heavily, it scares me.
which leads me to sleep. i am barely sleeping at all. jasi did tell me there would be weeks where i would not sleep at all an weeks where that would be all i did...an i know this, i guess i did at least..that is how it was in the hospital. so why should it be any different now?
i sleep for 1-2 hours an then i am up, an it does not matter how tired i am, i do not go back to sleep in the mornings any more, and i may close my eyes but i rarely take a nap, all this in hopes that i will sleep through the whole night...my dreams have been crazy too. like they seem so real tho they are not real at all...like the one morning i did not get up to see ash an stephen off to work i could have swore that they had come back an were in the living room ....but it was a dream. then last night i had a dream stephen was showing me something at the table an it seemed real. it is a lot better than my dreams of me or others dying. or always being chased by people or tornadoes. or lately besides the death part is has been of friends being mad at me for talking and me being confused on whether i should talk or not. ....i guess they scare me, or are scary to me because of how much it stresses me out in real life.
so this talking thing. so far aside from what i said to piglet, i have said i love you too, yes, no, hello, and thank you....and cady. lol. it lit scares me to talk...i am not sure what i am trying to say will be what i will say, and therefore i do not want to sound like the dumb retarded fool i am...and some words i am not sure how to say...those words i have heard a lot...i told ash the other night i would have said yum but i want not sure how too. and even tho she said it a few times i just could not get it in my head. plus when i do talk it hurts my throat a lot an my head.. i am not sure why it hurts my head but it does. then it scares me...and then i get excited an then scared agin....it is just weird.
i think part of my problem with my head hurting is that i have had my glasses for 5 years almost an have not been able to get them updated...so i need new perscription an glasses or contacts. lol. they do not even stay on my head because they are so loose an old. so i am thinking that if and when i go back to st. jo for a week or two i will see if i can work those two week an get 180 like i should if not more and make an app to get a new perscript. i think last time i got my eyes checked was not too long ago and the lady had me take the read the letters from this row test. she asked me to read the second line so i started to an after the 3rd letter she is like there is only two letters....hahaha...oops. so i need to do something about my eyes lol.
my memory is a pain in my butt. forgetting how to get up steps, forgetting how to count, forgetting everything that happened the day before or even a few hours ago is dumb. i am going to get a calandar or something to mark off so i know when i take my vitamins so i do not take them more than once a day.ash was joking about something last night but it was a real good idea...well part of it...she said i guess i should put sticky notes all over the house saying what things are in creol...well instead of doing that maybe in english, there are somethings that i have no clue what they are....it is prob dumb idea...lol. i know that i need to do stuff soon. i asked my brother if he knew where my flash cards are...still waiting to hear from him.
this morning i talked to my dad on facebook for a bit....remember how just a few days ago...those two guys broke into my dads house? an slashed his tires? well early this am dustin was out an about an they jumped him. he will not press charges..he is in the hospital with a partially collapsed lung. and it is all my fault. i am pissed the hell off by this all. my family may not be the greatest but when you have an issue with me an you go after them, best better believe that i will hunt you down....i am ready to go kick their asses....i am thankful that so far it has not turned into something worse with my brother. i just wish it did not happen. my dad an my aunt are there at his hospital bed side...
i sent a email to the people on my case telling them, one i do not understand why they refuse to do anything about the house an car....and two...telling them that i do not think st jo is a safe place for me to be. so i told them everything....so now i just wait.
right now i am paranoid an scared out of my mind...i want to go kick ass but i know that i cannot...so that leaves me to this, hiding in my bed. every time a person walks by the front of the house or a car goes down the side street i slouch down some, i have constantly checked the doors to make sure they are locked, my phone is charged, the slightest sound or movement scares the crud out of me....sometimes i wonder if this is how my life will always be....living in hidden state of fear..waiting for something bad to walk right through the door, looking over my shoulder to see wht is going on.
it has not been bad until i found out what happened to dustin.so i hope i sleep tonight...
so my phone is still not working...pisses me off...but i am getting a new one an a new number an hopefully this is the last one for a long long time...no joke. for this i am very thankful...no joke...no joke. i am trying to get one of my family members to buy my old phone from me. the one that i just bought a month or two ago an spent over 150 on. now i am just waitning to hear from my dad on what my checking balance is. i left my debit card with them to pay for the stuff on the car. the car in which i think i am just going to give to my aunt....or tell them they can use it for the next few months, depending on what the response is to that email.
i am sad a bout leaving bubbles in st. jo...maybe she can come visit.....tho it scares me that her an cady will not get along. i thought maybe if i got a job that paid 10-15 a week...like doing something for someone, something easy that i can an am able to do, that just maybe i could get a pup....but i do not want to scare cady an i do not want anyone to lose sleep. i do remember, only because i am thinking about this subject, a conversation that me an one of the therapist had. they asked if i had any pets an i told the person what we have. they said taht is great an will help with therapy. which proves to be true...i could not move my arms very good until a few days after i got home, same with my hands....after a few days of playing with the dogs an other animals, an petting them...my arm movement got better. same is said here too. with cady my stepping has improved an bending over has gotten easier.
my hair is annoying me. it is conforming to my scars so when my hair is out of place, it is usu in the spot where a scar is...speaking of hair...i think i need a hair cut soon.
so it is no surpise taht i am a jerk. i am mean. i am selfish. i am not who i used to be. i will just leave it at that.
so last bid of business..christmas. i am not sure what i expected. they said it is a day you give gifts so i got gifts an wrapped them....i am sstill not sure waht christmas is. ok i have no idea what it is at all. i just know that everyone around me is trying to make it an awesome one. it already is awesome...just saying.
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