Taco Bell

I have good news and I have bad news. Bad news is I burnt my tongue on the jalopenio chili. Good news is I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by not paying it. OK, so I stopped paying it a long time ago and I did not save any money today at all. Lol. But I could not resist trying to put the geico or whoever it is catch phrase on my blog post with a twist of course.

I am sitting in the mud room writing this post.
I got home and everyone or I think everyone is in their room.. ..and in my room you can hear a lot from almost any part of the house. So I am in the mud room thinking about grabbing my head phone, putting on some music and finishing this post before I go to bed.
I slept pretty well last night ....though I thought I would never get out of bed. I was so tired. Last night was pretty good.
I got up and Cady came right to me. She wanted out so I let her out figuring I could finish getting ready and them let her back in. After a bit I did not hear any barking so I checked on her.. ..she was sitting on the porch. I let her in thinking she did not want to get wet. It was a good thing I did to because not to long after there was a black lab in the yard across the alley.
McGuire text me setting she was going to be a bit late. I was going to eat a piece of toast or some cereal but I forgot.. no joke. Sara got here and I walked out thinking the getting was just wet.. ...no. ...it was complete ice. I had no problem till I got to the back of the SUV. My cane went and I bout went to. I made it to her car. We almost slid through the stop sign at the end of the block. We got to the college and slid right past our turn. It was crazy. We got on the highway and it seemed like car after car was sliding off the road. There was this yellow car that was faced the wrong way going the right way.. .it was trying to get control but failed.. ..it spun out and bout crossed to our side. On down the road there was this truck that spun out taking two signs with it. We got to the hallsville turn and the road were much better.
I had told Sara that she should not worry bout her phone While driving on ice.. .she said i only do it for you because I love you.. .I told her that now I get what people mean when they say they love you to death and I told her thanks it means a lot. Though I had told her earlier that death did not scare me.
We finally made it to the church. I was dropped off at the front door. I walked up and Bert was out and greeted me.. ..than Mark was holding the door for me. He said do not fall now that would be bad.. ..I agreed.

I went back and helped set up for stuff.. ..Sara did not like this much at all.. .it was funny. Samantha was one of the trek time helpers and she kept asking me questions.. ..trying to make them yes no ones which mostly worked. W finished and went to get donuts.. ..I ate two and if I would not have I would have not made it beyond that point. I was weak. We went in and got our group. 3year olds.. ..Sara told me she would understand if I did not want to hang around.. .I said I should fit right in. By the end of church most the kids had come to like me.. ..even though they did not like that I was not speaking.

ugh. ...I am to tired to write anymore of this post.. ..so I shall continue in the morning.

I am now awake. I stayed up till 11 mostly at the kitchen table. It was hard shifting on the floor in tree mud room. I was not sure if Jess was home or not so I wanted to make sure. ...I had figured since Cady had not come to me or was not in the living room that Jess was home.
Before I went to bed Tennessee was under a tornado warning. We had gone from icy fog in the morning thunderstorms in the evening and then we were supposed to get snow in the early morning.
I am awake and my dreams last night were alright. It is cloudy and it seems that it rained good. I thought it was hailing last night.
OK so I left off. ...
At the end of morning church. The kids had a lot of fun. They made a creation mix snack.. ..loaded with sugar. I did not have any of it.we also made a creation bottle globe. And then we had two different activities. If you had not guessed the lesson was on the7 days of creation.
We finished cleaning up.. ..all the glitter. ...all the glitter.

We left church. And decided to go to taco Bell and than the library or coffee shop. At taco Bell we started talking about theological things.. ..and how children have such an impact. How they ask the hard questions. Than I remembered how I had done that.. .how I still do that. So I pulled up a conversation where I had asked those questions.. .the hard ones. We spent the next 3 hours talking about my questions. I stumped them on a few. And now they know where I am.

We left and went to the chili throw down. We went through the mild and medium chili tables. The medium table had one with jalepenoes. It burnt my tongue. There were a few chilis that I really liked. I did not eat a full bowl though.
While waiting in line and sitting at the table I had asked McGuire to tell me about the old me and college. Something I have been starting to ask people.

She told me that personality wise I am pretty much the same. I am more reserved.. .but that that was understandable. She said we had been roommates.. ..told me about the first night that we became friends. ...told me that I loved school that I wanted to work with youth. Said I had big dreams. Also told me that I love to sing....that I loved music in general. She told me that I always has this out look on life where I did not let anything bring me down.. .or something like that.

All the people that were there for the chili throwdown had left.. .and it was time for youth group. Which meaned that all the kids were arriving. A good amount of them hung out at my table. They were interested in why I could not speak. It is funny how some thought because I could not speak that I also could not hear. ...it is funny because I had sat there last Sunday and listened and responded as they talked. Some of them knew sign some of them knew the alphabet. They were eager to learn both.

The first part of the night was spent playing a type of Dodge ball game. Brooke asked me if I was going to play and I told her that I could not because my balance was not that great. Bailey wanted me to play bounce back with her but my coordination is bad to. I am A loser.

Bert came and say beside me. And me like Mark had that morning if I had had a good week. I shook my head yes. - Mark had told me last Sunday to have a good week. - He asked me if I was improving.. ..I told him a bit.
   We went back into the cafeteria and set down for the lesson. It was on the bags of trash that we have. Um.. ..the sin in our lives. And how Jesus died so that God can take that trash out of our lives and give us a new life. It made me think.

Of course this is stuff that I had been thinking about all day...God creation sin repentance.

I will finish this day in another post.
I need to do something with the day I have.

I do have one thing that needs to be said in this blog post and that is this:
I prayed before I went to bed. Something that Kurt had said in his lesson really made me think.
I know we all talk to others about our problems and that is mostly good. ...but he said how often do we really rely on God and live the way we are meant to? . ...I like to think that there is someone or something out there that could make a change in my life.. ..I may not be who I used to be.. ..but I do like to pray. And if there is a God and if I pray hard enough and try my best to be a good person until I figure out all this.. ..and even beyond that point. ..than eventually one of my prayers should be answered right? !

So I prayed before I went to bed. I prayed for Stephen and Ash and others. I do not pray for myself. I do not need anything. Sure I want stuff but that is nothing to ask God. ....the creator of all for.
Ya hello God I do not need anything but I want a burger and a shake and some ice cream.. ..
I wonder how many people basically pray to God like they are ordering McDonalds?
It is only fair since I am figuring things out that I pray for things that are needed. ..and not by me.

Maybe we should all spend time praying or mediating on the things we need or that others need. It makes sense.. ..life would not be a good adventure without the people that come into it.. ...therefore it is not all about us !

hope

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption winding in and winding out the shine of it has caught my eye and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated...

i went to be around 1045. i do not know if it was what was secretly on my mind or what but  i swear i could have crapped my pants in my sleep. no i was not thinking about crapping, lol. i had another freaking dream. i was in my room doing something and this black guy was over here for some reason. he was not supposed to be in the house but he was. there was screaming and i went to go help and he pulled out a knife and a gun and came after me.....that is when i woke up. i woke up at 1 on the dot, am that is. i was scared. i did not move for the longest time. i thought about crying, but did not. i thought about getting up and going and getting someone, anyone, but did not. i figured since i was in bed, and everyone else was a sleep and would not want to deal with the child part of me, that i would just go back to bed. so i did.
i woke up and watched the news with ash. i am really interested in this presidential debate thing. peopel do not understand that the presidency has been messed up for a long long time, so it does not matter who is in office by the end of their term, most likely they are going to be hated by most of the usa. i watched the express which turned out to be really good. than i did laundry and dishes and filled cadys water jug and i packed some. and then i have been watching dragon ball z. we had dinner which was good. i felt my tum doing a dance. and that has been my day.

i am moving back to st jo. at first it was hard. i did not understand, i thought i had done something wrong, i was scared. than i started to understand it. i had to talk through it. and after a few days it all sstarted to make sense, it all became easier. i started thinking of it like a really long visit, that soon i would be going home. i soon started becoming thankful for everything, EVERYTHING.
the first thing i had done was think about the bad things, and as days passed i started thinking about the things i could look forward to. the adventure that awaits me.

i love ash an stephen a lot. they are two of my heroes. they are amazing. i trust them.

hope. i think it is something that we forget we always have. we spend so much time looking and thinking about the bad things and what will happen if this does not happen, when we should be looking at the good things that are awaiting us. sure we cannot see them but we can be at peace witht he fact that something good is down the road for us.
i talked with bambam and she told me that when i was in the hospital that i did not havve much hope. but my friends gave me hope, they supported me, cheered me on, gave me a reason to have hope to make it thro.
we have our bad days we have our good days, but one thing i have found that helps me is that no matter what type of day it is i try my best to give some hope to anyone that needs it. it always makes me feel better. it helps me not be so stressed, worried, scared, but instead gives me hope, happiness, and most of all a smile.
it is a good habit to get into. we all know someone that could use a lil hope, and tho we feel like it is gone for us, there is no reason that we cannot give hope to someone else.

i want to challenge anyone who has read this blog post. my challenge is that for a whole week, anytime you feel over whelmed with stress, worry, sadness, or anything that drains you of hope, text a friend, call a friend, facebook someone, visit someone, and not just someone, but  a someone who is having a hard time, who seems down, who may just need a friend. spend 5-10mins talking with them, or make sure that you are really being there for that person. each day find a new person, and do the same thing, and make sure you follow up with the people from previous days.
it may seem like a lot but seriously it is not. you will be surprised how it changes your spirit, your attitude, your heart. you will find that hope lays in love and you find both those things in the worst part of any storm.

today

before today even began i was asleep, having very weird and dark dreams. lately my dreams have seemed so much like reality that it takes me most a day to tell whether they were real or not. it was a mangled mess last night, but let me tell you about it so you can see what i mean.

it was night time and i had just got done going through a store. the store was a dream itself bt not much i can remember. i got done and went out to the van full of girls. i hopped in the middle seat and we took off and started going down a street that is in my hometown. the driver was putting everyone in danger. there was screaming and everyone was freaking. i finally managed to put the e brake on and the car stopped. i hopped out to make sure everyone was alright and to take a breath of relief. the girl in the passengers seat in front made a comment to the lil girl i was holding saying look there is your mommys head. i glared at her and then looked at the lil girl i was holding and said do not listen to her your mommy is right here and as you can see i still have my head. i soon came to realize that most the girls in that van were mine. it went dark and next thing i know i am standing on the back porch with cady talking to someone. we went in an i went an sat on the loveseat. ash was getting ready to go somewhere and told jess to hand me something. jess said ok and then asked ash if she was going to give me a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug. jess said she is right there you can give her a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug she is not worth my time and as far as i am concerned she needs to be gone. jess laughed and looked back at me. i was in a bit of shock. it went dark again and i found myself looking down at my hand, there was blood all over it. i was confused. i know this is weird but my dream self thought there is no way i could have started my period yet. and then i looked around, there was blood all over the bath room. i was hurt. i walked out and someone hit me. i had not seen anyone else. i knew ash and stephen were in their room and who ever this was i did not want them getting to them. i felt something cold go into me and i looked down to see that i had been stabbed adn then it all made sense. i heard a loud noise and it sounded like it was in my dream but i woke up.

so i am going to skip ahead to this evening and then jump back to my day. it was so strange that i had had this dream esp after stephen told us about his dream. he dreamed he kept hearing noises in the house and that he was sure someone was in the house. then he heard someone being attacked and then two loud noises like gunshots. he said it seemed so real, that he had never had a dream like that.
maybe it is not strange. but i think it is since i am not on his meds. i wonder if we were both having the same dream just seeing different parts of it. if so, i will not lie, i am a bit freaked. i do not think i have ever heard of people having the same dream the same night outside of movies and shows. i hope that is all it is.

now back to the resst of this. i woke up and i decided that i was going to stay in bed. i was freaked and i was not sure if what i had dreamed was reality or not. i heard ash moving around, i had planned on getting up and eating with her. i was still trying to figure out if she had said that or not, and therefore i did not want to take the chance of walking out and ya. so i stayed in bed til 9 ish, i think. i got up, showereed and ate. i walked in to sit on the love seat and stephen just seemed mad. i sat down and thought about asking but did not. and then he spoke and i felt much better.
we watched a bit of tv. than ate. i finished off the cereal. i decided to get up and work on my writing somemore. so i did for a bit. then paint arrived and stephen went and painted and i did dishes. then ash got home. by this time i was back on the loveseat. that is where i stayed til dinner. dinner was good. i did not eat much but it was enough to satisfy me. after dinner we watched tv. now i am here writing this.

we watched greys anatomy and private practice. there were many aspects with both shows that i could relate too. esp the part with the Alzheimers disease. my granpa had that for a long time. i remember my granma saying stuff to me about how she would have to help dress him, help him do this or that, or how she would find him trying to go places or in the most random places. the show brought back memories that i had forgotten. i remember how he was. we would go to visit him and granma would have to explain to him who we were, who my dad was, and there would be times where we would have to leave because he thought we were lying to him. then it got to the point where he was not him anymore. the man i looked up to, the man i loved, he was not there anymore. the last time i saw him was in the hospital. we went to go visit him after getting out of foster care. he was so skinny and death was upon him. he could not speak and he could barely move. i walked in and being the oldest i went over to him. he smiled at me. granma asked him if he knew who i was and he nodded. he tried saying my name but could not. he raised his arm and wanted me to come to him. i did and he gave me a hug. i told him i loved him, hugged him and we left. i thought i would see him again, but the next time i saw that war hero was in a wooden box all dressed up. he was finally at peace.

anyways...

today was a good day. aside from the reality like dreams and the pain of some of the things i remembered, today was a good day. i spent most of the day with a smile on my face and or laughing. i was just happy. i remembered a lot of things today, which is good but most likely tomorrow when i wake those memories will be lost again. i would put them all in this post but there is so much i remember. i remembered some of college, some of the old me and god stuff, and there was other things, and it was a good. i did not tell anyone because i did not think anyone else would be excited like i was. i think part of why i was laughing was because of some of the things i remembered.
today was a good day. i was exhausted, and i was sore, and i had some other issues that were not good, but it did not damper my mood.
today was good. i got to spend time with some of the people i love and it made me happy. and all we did was watch tv, hardly even speaking. but it was good.

i would like  tomorrow to be just as good but who knows what tomorrow will bring. sunday will be good, i hope i get to go back to that church. sunday is also stephen and dustins birthdays. and ash said we celebrate those days. ok....so i double checked and i was wrong. i was sure tho i kept hearing stephen say it was 1/22 aw well. i am a goof. sorry. well it is my brothers birthday, my twin, and ironically the one i can almost always tell anything too. he will be 19.

anyways. off to bed i shall go. i am going to get up to spend the morning with ash. i think she misses me in the mornings but i could be wrong. i know that i have been horrible at not getting up.

paint

i was not sure what i thought about the yellow for the bathroom....and ash thought i did not like it, at first i did not, and then it dried. i think it looks good. i did not understand for the longest time how it made the room brighter. i do not understand the difference between white and yellow other than one was darker than the other. so is yellow brighter than white? well either way i like how the bathroom looks and what they did with it. it is much brighter in there.
today they are painting the other bathroom. i told stephen i fear for them, mainly because of the floor. so i told him that if they fall thro to let me know and i will be like alice.
the whole house has smelt like paint since yesterday and i guess i just got used to it. this morning i woke some and i could smell the paint, strongly. after i slept somemore, i woke up and let cady out, and i was thinking to myself, boy it would be bad if they kept both those doors closed.....i have seen them act silly, but well this could be interesting.

the last few days i have been debating over a choice that was mainly made already. i am at peace with whatever happens. i am still not sure what is going on in this aspect tho.

my brother got a puppy. i think it is a girl. it is mainly black and i think a pit. it is cute. i guess i was mistaken about where the pic i got was taken, because i kept asking how the other dogs, my and dads dog, got along with it. it took most the day before anyone gave me an answer. the pup is over at my sisters and my brother is going to move in with her...again. it will not work out well unless it is just them too. dad said he is going to fix the windows and the roof, and dead bolt the doors. i suggested getting a dog for the outside and putting fence up around the whole house with a no trespassing sign.

bambam and i have been talking just talking. she is a very interesting person, and tho we are so opposite in many ways, we share a lot in other ways.

i am excited about church, which is weird for me. i think one reason i like it is because i do not have to keep myself entertained, or have to worry about not bothering everyone else around me. this is one time where having my, as much as i hate saying it, mental defects is not a problem. in church that is. the other times that i went to church, i took my color book and colors, and i would always get these looks from all the older people. - are you serious? this is not the place for that. how rude. etc. - here i can go there and act a fool if i want and it is ok.

i have been sleeping a lot more than usual lately. there have been a few mornings where i was supposed to be up with ash and was not. i would either sleep through my alarm, my alarm would not go off, or i just was too tired. and i feel bad about it. this am i slept til 9, and i did not get up for a bit and then go back to bed, i slept for the most part til then. the last few nights i have been getting tangled in my blankets.

the night before last i had dreams where i was sure they were real. yesterday i was sitting on the loveseat and i was trying to figure out when something had happened, and then i finally decided that it had to be part of my dream. last night i had a dream based on dragon ball z. there was also snow. and then every dream it seems that i say something, and someone asks what did you say, and i think while i a aslee i was did not say anything, i had not said anything.

piglet and i tried chatting with video last night...it did not work out so well. so we are going to try again tonight. i think. she was trying to finish the book we had started. we got a bit through it, but i kept missing out on parts. i got it to where my head phones will work on my laptop, well that is for now. i cannot hear well my typing or some other stuff through these head phones, but i do not have the volume very loud.

i am almost through with dragonball z. i love this show. it is all about honor and perseverance. the fight between good and evil, and how it does not matter how small or big, young or old you are that you can make a difference!

i think today i am going to try an finish it, maybe read some of my book. tho i do love when others read to me, well i like to see what is being read also, it helps me get more into it, than just me alone reading. but i do like the books we are reading. i may work on my letters some more, i am getting better at them. i work for a bit every night before i go to bed. then i may finish reorganizing my room.

life - ......

life sucks. it throws curve balls. ones that hit you so hard that the real hurt does not even begin for days. it breaks hearts, destroys lives, tears apart relationships, and leaves you hanging by a thread, a very thin one.

that is what i feel like it is doing. i feel i am losing friends, and taht no matter  how hard i fight for them, they seem to be disappearing and the link that connects the friendship is weakening.

struggling is all that seems to be going on anymore. struggling to stay happy, struggling to live economicall, struggling just to get through every moment of everyday. and i know i am not the only one that can say this is true.

i wish i could stop the struggling, stop the curve balls, and strengthen the chain link. i wish i could take problems and make them disappear. i wish i could help bring back happiness and joy. i try. i fight everyday to make this happen.

if i could say anything to those that are struggling and them hear me, i would tell them i love them, tell them i am not mad, tell them that i understand, i would tell them i want to help, i would tell them how amazing they are, how they make my day, how they give me strength.

sometimes i feel like if i said anything tho, it would just make things worse. so i keep to myself, looking at talking to bothering no one.

i can only be who i am, nothing more, nothing less. life makes us who we are. we can change things and we can change who life makes us, but we cannot change life.

life is an adventure. whether good or bad, it makes no difference, how we deal with the ups and downs, and treat the ones around us during those times, is how we are molded into who we are.

Church

yesterday i went to church with shortie. the last few churches i had been too had been boring and i did not understand stuff. so i thought i would give another church a try. so shortie (amanda) and i both brought it up and asked to go together. she picked me up at 720ish, i had not slept hardly at all the night before, and what sleep i did get i was dreaming the whole time and it wore me out.
on the way to church the sky was amazing. it was um purple and pink. just wonderful! we got to church and shortie parked right over the ice. so when i got out i got out on ice. we walked a long way to the church, which is in a school, how cool is that?! shortie introduced me to kelly and others that were there. then we started setting up. we walked a lot and i stood a lot. when i had got up and around before she picked me up, my legs were killing me. they seemed fine while we were setting up. shortie and i walked back into the gym and we saw mcguire so i went up and surprised her. i think she expected it to be shortie, but it was me instead. lol. she was happy. things were getting set up and people were arriving. the pastor Mark walked in, and i knew him. he is a real nice guy. he knew who i was and greeted me. it was nice.
usually around large groups and esp churches or places i am scared but that was not the case here. i felt awesome.
we got set up and shortie gave me an apron and church was starting. we were back with the kids which was good. i stood most of the time...at first i was trying to go up and down with everyone else but could not keep it up. there was a lot of music nd dancing, no i did not dance or sing. i thought it was awesome when the music went down and you heard all the children singing, it was amazing. we split into groups. shortie told me to stick with her so i did. we got our group and sat down. one of the kids asked, who is he?, referring to me...and shortie was like this is my friend brittany, she cannot talk. all the kids then went to a phase of this is awesome, we must know more. so they started asking questions, and trying to sign. they spoke to me like they would each other, and one girl was like, i know some sign, i know how to sign cow, but i forgot how to do it. they were really interested.
we played a game and we had to build houses out of cards. well they got stumped and shortie was not around so i went an helped and it worked and then one of them messed it up. in the end shortie destroyed our house....what a jerk...lol. jk...it was her job. bt i think she enjoyed it a lil too much. they then played telephone game, but they had no phones.
we went back to singing and things. and then church was over. we picked up. there was this lady there named diona or something like that and she kept stepping in for me and speaking for me. she was awesome for doing that. i felt bad at first when i had to use my phone to talk to her but it turned out to be awesome.
i had a really fun time, and i am going back next sunday and the sunday after. i learned that there are 66 books of the bible 39 old 27 new. and that the bible makes me a mirror so that others may see jesus in me. i also learned the names of some of the books of the bible.
sara took me to meet kurt, so i could go to youth group. he was nice.

shortie and i left. the plan was to eat and then go to our own houses. we went to mcdonalds. - i was not sure about eating. i had been over run with nerves and my stomach was in knots. - i got a mcdouble and a water. we sat down to eat and shortie prayed over our food. a bunch of high schoolers came up to us an thanked us for praying in public. it was kinda awesome! i could not finish my food. we left and then shortie decided that she could put up with me for a bit longer so we went to her house. i picked covert affairs to watch, great show, and shortie slept thro most of it. i almost fell a sleep but apollo would not have it.

mcguire came an got me and we headed to church. we were sitting there in the parking lot waiting for someone to show up to let us in and there was this lady coming down the side walk jogging with her great dane. pure breed. he was huge! cady is big but he was BIG! someone arrived and they set up. brooke came in, and after about 10 mins of being around me, mcguire and i were talking, and brooke asks can she not talk.....we both said no. so mcguire asked me if i wanted her to tell people that when i was being introduced. i said sure. kids started coming in and my table became the popular one for every one. well church started and we had spaghetti...i ate a full plate of food. i then went with sara and the middle schoolers to play skizzim or something like that. it was interesting. we then went in to have our serious time. i sat at the back table with the pastors children.
the whole day bert adams kept coming up to me and asking me if i had been there before and he swore i had, i think he thought i was messing with him....but i was not. i kept shrugging i do not know. finally mcguire went and told him that i had had surgeries. he came over and sat right next to me. he told me how he had had a tumor and  i felt his scar. we talked for a bit and it was good just to talk. and he took a piece of paper and wrote i am glad you are here. i said me too.
it was funny how that had happened, as soon as he got up kurt started talking about scars. one thing he said is never let people make you feel or think you are worthless. i swear if i was a cartoon my jaw would hve dropped like it does on cartoons. what he had just said, the story about the lame man, i could relate. he said never let anyone make you feel or think you are worthless because of your wound, or something like that. - ever since the whole st jo thing, i had been feeling that way and because of the way things were going on around me, and the way people had been acting towards me all up to this point made me feel and think i was worthless because of my wounds, my scars. - talk time came. i sat there and made mustaches and unibrows and beards and funny noses with the lil girls. they started talking to me. one of them asked me for my pen, and i took it and pretended i had ate it. they thought i really had ate it. it was great. the oldest one is like i am going to find it and when i do...i am going to find it. talk time ended and church was over. laura came over and sat down and the oldest is like, i am going to dress you like a man!. it was hillarious. brook came up and asked me if i was going to come back and i said yes. everyone cleaned up and we left.

we dropped chelsae off and went to shorties. who had invited us over. val answered the door all confused as why i was there. i went and knocked on shorties door and went in. we decided to go somewhere. we went to mcdonalds. my phone had died right before youth group had started. so we were sitting there being goofy, or they were, i was hiding! it was a fun night.

that day was good. church had seemed to have been the only time that i was not over run with nerves. i really had a great time there. nice people. i could understand the stuff they were teaching. i felt like i belonged.

i asked mcguire about baptism, she went on like it was an auction. really fast. so i got it some, but decided i would ask someone else. i asked stephen. at first i thought, he is ignoring me, but i did not blame him. and then he did a good job at explaining it. and i mostly got it. and then he asked me if i was thinking about being baptized. i said i was not sure, maybe.
thing is that when baptism came up, it rang a bell in my head that said, this means something to you. so i think before everything happened i was thinking about it.
at church i felt like i belonged there. and the whole time it felt like something was tugging at me. most of the time when i hear talk of church, bible, prayer, god, or are listening to christian music, i feel like all weird inside. warm is one way to say it. so i am told that all this was a part of who i was and is still a part of who i am, even if i do not see it. i am interested in learning about all this stuff. it makes me happy and smile.

that day, the day of church, was a very adventurous day and i was glad i got to be a part of it!

decisions

my day has been alright. not good not bad but alright. i had a dream last night that i was on this stage in this i guess church, i had ran up there and stopped someone from praying and asked if i could pray instead. they let me and i started praying over a lot of things. it was crazy. i woke up and decided to read a chapter of a book by one of my fav authors. the same author that piglet was reading to me from. my stomach has been roaring most of the day. i ate 3 raw hot dogs, well cady helped with each of them. at like 6 this morning she was staring at me again when i opened my eyes, and then she started growling at me. ash let me play the wii with her after stephen decided he was done playing. came so close to getting thro the castle and completing it. it frustrated the crap out of me. i was going to rearrange my room today but it is just something that i cannot do. i decided that i was going to take a nap with cady, that did not happen, i was going to go out an join everyone else but they seemed to be having fun so i decided to watch never back down. i am writing this early, posting it early because tomorrow i have church in the am.

decisions to make was my status for mainly the whole day, well to be honest the last week or two. i have had a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make, ones that still need to be made. some of these decisions, as i have read thro my blog, have been tormenting me for months, now that is sad.

one decision i have to make is about my blog. whether to keep it or not. i am getting tired of apologizing for what i feel and think. i am getting tired of being told that i am wrong, that i should be ashamed of the way i make others feel. i got an comment from someone last night that really gave me a mouthful, i deleted their comment and i was not sure who it was from, but still. so in turn i feel even worse for feeling or thinking the way i do.so if i stopped this blog i would start up another one that focused on one subject would only have my thoughts and feelings on that. it would no longer be my day, my struggles, my happy times, or anyone, it would be things like ice cream, the letter a, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater...and so on.

another decision i have to make is where will i be in the next month, two, or three. one thing that never leaves the back of my mind is will i even be alive in the next month, two or three. do not worry, i am not thinking of killing myself, but you know at any moment we could die. i am not so worried about it. going back to my dads in st jo would be hard, but i am fine with it if it comes to it. april is going to be a hard month, depending on what happens. i am not sure if i can stand those few weeks being there but, i will manage. i have too.


pt has been a thing i have been struggling with too. i have to decide on whether i am going to forget the physical stuff, and just allow my body to be what ever, or if i am going to try to find ways to improve. i have been focusing a lot on my writing and coloring and colors.

i have to decide on if i am going to continue on this talking thing. my throat hurts so much from it, and it is so hard to do. there are some words i can just say, and some that i work hard on an just cannot seem to get. maybe i need to work on saying letters and the different ways to say them.

and there are so many more decisions and things that i deal with on a daily basis, but they are not important.

i want to say this directly to someone and they will know who they are....if i say we are good, we are good, do not go around trying to hash something up that does not exist, cuz then we are not good. got it?!

if i have a problem with someone i will tell them. that is one thing i used to be so good at it seemed when i started this blog, being straight forward. i must have got soft or something, or i must have grew a heart.

life right now is uncertain, as almost always is. somedays are good, some are bad, some are ugly, some are light some are dark. some days i hurt, some days i cry, everyday i laugh, everyday i smile. my kid mentality makes this world so big and full of adventures, and i try to treat each day as a new one just waiting to be taken.