i have rediscovered the music on my laptop. an this song was one of them on it. it is called Mirror by Barlow Girl an it is in ASL, yes there is sound.
this song does not really go with this post but it was the thing that gave me the idea for this post.no joke
in the pt room, there is a wall with nothing but mirrors. after a long hard day 3 hours, of pt, - most of this next week will be 8 hours of pt - i was standing waiting for the wheel chair to come give me some relief, an i looked at the mirror. i had to double take because i thought that my reflection was someone else. i looked around an soon figured out that there was no one else that who i had saw was my self.
two weeks, three weeks ago, if i saw my reflection, i would cringe. no joke. there was no meat to me. you could see where my bones met, the edges of them, and even some um depth to them. i looked like a skeleton, a starved adult. the white ghostly color did not help. it would not have surprised me if someone thot i was dead. that is how white i was. i had hardly any hair. an there were huge bags under my eyes. i could not stand to save my own life. i could not eat without my body rejecting it. i was a hidious sickly dead looking person. it was like death herself had sucked the life right out of me.
where had i been all this time. why did it surprise me to see myself. why did i assume it was someone else wearing the same pj bottoms, an shirt that i was. forgetting my self was one thing, but not um recognizing myself was another. made for total failure of self. no joke.
i looked at the mirror. i starred at myself. an a grin snuck its way across my face. i lifted my shirt enough to see my tummy. that is right, i have a tummy. i thought to myself, i am getting fat, knowing that i am not. but it seems like it when you are so used to seeing the death kissed you instead of whoyou are now. i am still boney, but i am getting muscle an fat an meat back on them. i am still paler than normal but i have some color. an now i have hair, an can do some stuff with it. right where i was, i was standing, an for a while too. on my own. with support of something of course. i still look tired as hell, rightly so. i am eating use 3 meals a day plus snacks. an it does stay in my body until...well you know. duty calls. lol. i look a lot better. there is life in me.
people tell me, good job on pt, but remember you need your rest too. dude, i am go to rest when i am dead, whether that be in the near or far future. right now my main goal is to get me on my own feet, to make life a little more simple for me an every one else.
i may get out friday, maybe monday, maybe later, but i am hope for the best, an work hard to make the best a reality.
last night was good. i talked wit bambam, Rachel, Jasi, Nicki, an Josi for a bit.
today i got to talk wit bambam, shortie, an ash, for a bit.
i woke up this am in a lot of pain. my neck, my back, an the worst, my ribs. my head always hurts so i do not really count it. i did not want to move or do a single thing but go back to bed. i slept a lot today. i was tired. still am. i guess i exhausted myself out this week.
i keep saying two weeks. but to be for real it is one week an then me is supposed to be out. fri, sat, or monday, just depends on what the doc says an how the week goes. i say two weeks because then friends can cme see me an i them if them no see me before hand, an if things go good! i am really look forward to see all of friends. no joke.
i googled a christmas tree. me is go help me dad cut one down after thanksgiving if him say we is. i am curious to see how stardust is going to react to a christmas tree. i think to really welcome him into the family i am go to stick him in a stocking head first. or see if he will go in on his own.
christmas i am still not sure what i go do yet. if i could go to seattle i would, it does not look like i can um afford it tho. boo. 270-320 is not bad for a ticket, i think but is a whole months paycheck for me. i would have no money to do stuff with bambam an others. that would be sad.
there is still hope. maybe i will come upon some cash, an than be able to fly out there with stephen an ash. yep. an then, i could become good friends with the couch. :) . hahaha. i just thought that if i become good friends with the couch i should give it a name. lol. silly me.
bambam say it be better to come visit round christmas cuz then they would be round more than if i came to visit in end jan. cuz then no one would be home. which would mean, i would do a lot of sleeping. haha.
today i got to talk wit my friend sami. she emails me everyonce in a while. we met a while back. it was a good convo. next year she graduate high school. she is awesome.
it is sad that i will not have no money til 12 december to do stuff wit me friends. i think that what i will do is spend a few days or however long with kara an joey an nicki, an then go to moberly for a week or two. an then come back an spend christmas with my family. but it all depend on how things go an what happens.
i would never go back to moberly if it was not that i have friends there. even then, tho i love them lots, it is a big step. but none the less, i am going to visit my friends an not my past. no joke
an if my past shows up, well, there will be some butt kickn. no joke
i have not ate. not yet. but someone is bringing me food. not sure what it is but i hope it is edible. the cafeteria closed an they cannot get me a dinner now...so boo.
i will have a new phone number. sad day. i had just learned mine. now a new one to learn..i will inbox people it tho. i am also go to assign songs to each of you. hahaha. me granma is getting granma got ran over by a raindear. i think bambam is go get flinstone them song. shortie is either go get the smurfs, or the shortie song. haha. this is go be fun. :)
shortie ask me if i had watch any movies lately an i say no. i would like to have a movie date, but may just be solo on that.
any ways. tomorrow is the day i start counting down. tomorrow i am go to be busy. i am work real hard, but i also know i got to rest.
in honor of Veterans Day it is only right that i honor the memory of my granpa, Chris Link, an so many of my friends an family that have given their lives an that are serving with a blog. the video below is American Soldier by Toby Keith, the video has actual footage of military personel in action.
in my granma's living room is picture of my granpa at 18 in his uniform. he was in the air force. my granma an him ran off together, got married, an started their life as a military couple. they went to germany where they were stationed for a bit. my granma thought she would never have children, so they decided to adopt, as did a lot of other military couples. they adopted my dad from Hiedleberg, Germany, he was not even a year old. my granpa served for 20 years, then retired.
it was because of my granpa, an the fact that i did not want to do gym, that i joined army JROTC. i had planned on following my granpa's foot steps but certain things kept me from doing so. being in JROTC was my way of honoring my granpa. every time i put on my uniform i wore it proudly, an i would always go visit my granpa. what always got me was he would salute me, i always saluted back. he was proud of me. he took a pictre of me one day in my uniform standing in front of his house.
that same year was the year that i met Chris Link. he had been in the military for two years. our friendship started off hard but eventually we became really good friends. over the next four years i would watch him come an go on tours. he moved up to special ops. i cannot tell you the countless times i cried or wondered if he was okay, if he was going to come home.
the next school year, (freshman year, the year before, was when my granpa took that pic), my granpa died. the funeral was great. we got to the cemetery an they handed my granma the flag after folding it, then they shot off the guns with a 21 gun salute. after that i wore my uniform with even more dignity than before.
four years later, my best friend, was getting ready to go on another tour. few days before he left we were talking, he pulled me close, wrapped his arms around me, an said "the sun shines for you, an you alone. everytime i look at it i will think about you. but there is no way the sun could even start to brighten up my day as you do. all the stars, no matter how many you count, could never add up to the amount of love that i have for you. you have been the reason i fight, the reason i come home, the reason i live an breath. you, are my hero!" he then took me, spun me to face him, took my face in his hands, an stared so deep in me that at that moment we were one. i watched his eyes tear up, he smiled, an then in a soft voice he said "there is no distance i would not travel, no enemy to big, no wound to great, that could stop me from being wit you. i cannot go an fight, i cannot go on living, without knowing, that you will be here waiting for me. will you give me a reason to fight, a reason to live, will you be here waiting for me, waiting to start our life together, as one?" i was stunned. i reached up an wiped the tears from his face, an i looked deep into his eyes, "when you look at the sun, know that i am looking at the sky too, when you are fighting, know that you are fighting for us, an know that when you get back, that i will be here waiting to start our lives together." he smiled an then wrapped me in his arms an kissed my head. two days later he left. we had promised not to say anything to anyone until he got back. a month later i was sitting in my dad's house, there was a knock at the door. it was the chaplin an the other guy, they told me that Chris had died. he had been killed while playing with some of the village kids. 4-5 days later i remember sitting in this room, an there was a bunch of people in it. i remember sitting in one of the chairs trying to hold my self together, and with a shaky voice an eyes full of tears, i started to say something an all i remember is, "my best friend Chris died".
there is not a time that does not go by that i do not think about my granpa, an Chris. what could have been, what was. they are forever in my heart, an i am proud to have known both of them.
i am still here waiting, for something that will never happen. keeping the memory of my two heroes in my heart. never forgetting the sacrifice they gave for me an for you.
we take for granted the things that we have, even if we do not thing we do, we do. how many lives have been, are being, an will be given so that we can have the life that we have? one thing i learned in RO is that when you see a veteran, or someone who is serving, shake their hand an tell them thank you, cuz in all reality, unless we are willing to serve, that is the only way that we can even come close to showing our appreciation.
here is a thing that i wrote a year ago yesterday. we will never forget, an we should all be forever thankful.
SOLDIERS
We all have a war to fight
Our whole life we are in and out of wars
we pray the next one will make everything right
so we don't have to add to our sorrows and sores
Putting on our uniforms our demeanor changes
We prepare to walk in not knowing if we'll come out
Goodbyes seem to be our only exchanges
On to the battlefield we walk with cries of war we shout
The only thing going through our heads are thoughts of survival
Game face on we are determined to make it past the end
As much as it sucks it may mean killing a rival
Knowing that both sides have honor to defend
Avoiding bullets and blasts
With the enemy we clash
In our memories this moment lasts
In time this war is like a dash
It's over now
We have won
We treasure victory for as long as time will allow
It's all done
A medal is put around our neck
A sign of honor and strength
Humbling us and putting others in check
For this war there is no length
Even after death it doesn't stop
You never really find closure
But that's just a pen's drop
In the life and breath of a soldier.
lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.
so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:
brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so
sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going
back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is
hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going
to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my
blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i
do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my
memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them
together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all
alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know
if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my
friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all
disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like
to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my
sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person
that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an
not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a
failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still
give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without
the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to
learn.
let me break this down real quick for you.
pt - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.
everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.
the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.
down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.
feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.
friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.
love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.
give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.
sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.
an now on wit the rest of my blog.
so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working! still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.
so this blog is about dreams an hopes.
i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.
i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.
sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.
for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...
i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.
i got a shower today. it is become a every few day thing. my hair is grow in good. it is o most long enough that i can do something with it. tonight Grey's Anatomy comes on an then Storm Chasers.
i keep make a hum sound, it is a random thing. when i try it no happen, but when i am not try is when it happens.
last night, thanks to Jasi, i learned what spoons were. an boy i have like no spoons. let me tell you bout my day or some of my week here. i get woke up between 8-9 for breakfast. use to be that them would have to feed me, an some days that is still the case. they help me get set up so i can eat. at 10 the guards come an let the night guards off their posts. after i eat. i take my meds, an than am taken to the bath room. i go potty, i brush my teeth an do that routine. it takes about 30 mins. after that i am taken to pt. we start with stretches. 20 mins of that. then leg an arm lifts. do this with breaks for 45mins. there is an hour, give or take. then we work on standing. it takes about 10 mins to even get to the point where i feel um confident enough to stand. then the next 20 mins spend trying to see how long i can stand with an without the cane. then we take a 5 minute break. after the 5 minute break, we play memory for 10mins. thereapist always wins. no joke. the next 5 mins we work on trying to hum or make a sound. the last 10 mins are spent try to teach me to walk. i do this twice a day. last few days i have be do it all in the morning. at 12-1230 is lunch. if i do not have pt in the afternoon. i spend the afternoon laying in bed, potty breaks, an laying in bed, interaction wit nurses docs techs, an maybe others. then 5-6 is din din. then meds for the night. the night is filled with more potty breaks, an chat an type. i have pillows under my arms to support them. also have a pillow under my knees. guards leave at 10 an the night ones come. it takes a lot out of me to type. i use got to bed after 11. that is a typical day. very tiring. you may think laying around is nothing but try doing it for 2 1/2 months. no joke.
pt. i did 3 sessions today. um combined two, an did an extra session in the afternoon from 1-3. i really pushed myself today. i managed to take one step, an every time i took that one step an went to take another, i fell. by the 8th time i was so frustrated an angry that i did not let the therapists help me up. i was angry tired, an i did not get why i could take one step an not two. so i lay on the mat tears roll down my face, an i rolled over an after about 15 mins got up on my own. a few secs later i fell. haha. i was too tired not to let them get me off the floor. that is what i did for 2 hours.the morning was spent working on memory, speech, an standing. i stood for 2 mins wit cane. 30 secs without.
tho it takes a lot out of me to type, i enjoy it. i get to talk to my friends. spell check is great. i am get to the point where i do not need the computer to read to me as much, or that i am recognizing words as they should be. this may seem odd to you, but it is complicated.
i get extremely bored. talk with ash has become the highlight of my day. it would be nice to talk with other friends on a reg basis too. have dates with people to make the next two weeks go by a lot faster.
i got to talk with Cher an it was great! i do not know if i was much company, but i got talk to her.
some things i want to eat when i get out of here -
pizza, cheeseburger, hotdog, roast beef, ham, *steak, *chicken - the hungryman ones are amazing! mexican. thai. haha. i want a variety. my dietian says that steak chicken fish, oregano, cabbage, squash, tofu, fish, strawberries, tuna, etc. says theses are good for the brain an i need to try to eat some 1ce a day.
sad thing is that it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. takes a lot out of me to get my brain to work right.
on a typical day i forget my name 4-6 times.
typical. there is nothing typical about me.
last night i had a dream that people were chasing me. friends an strangers. idk why tho. but again it was thro a church. as i was go throu the church there were a group there sing a play music. there was some missing in the music. i told them i would help. so we got to the stage, an then i woke up. it was a few dreams in one, just right after the other.
a lot of my dreams lately have had a building that for some reason i know to be a church, an there is always someone chasing me thro it. idk what it means or why keep having dreams like that. ah. well.
then i had dream where we were in church, my family, cousins an all, an we were having a funeral. my cousins were crying, i was cry, we all were crying.
maybe someone is going to chase me into a church an kill me...who knows. lol.
its like im paranoid lookin over my back its like a whirlwind inside of my head its like i cant stop what im hearing within its like a face inside its wrapped beneath my skin.
yes listen to this video as you read!!
i love linkin park. or did an do again. this is a good song by them call papercut. this could be one of the songs to the soundtrack of my life for this part of my life.
i hate being alone. no joke. esp since when ever those guys hurt me it was always when i was alone. i tried hard, not hard enough - so in way it is my own fault, to make sure that i was never alone. dad works nights, or is supppose to. an my brothers always go out during the night an all day. now that both them may possibly not be living there when i get home, scares me lil more than normal. i am glad to have a guard that is in the room all day. i hate that there is not one at night. it is so hard for me to fall asleep cuz i am fraid some is go happen.
its like a whirlwind inside of my head. the thoughts are crazy that go thro my head. every day i wake up an it is like my brain is set to replay everything in a short recap. an every single interaction or chat, status, anything, provokes my mind to think an wonder.
its like i cant stop what im hearing within. there are so many voices in my head that are saying, you will not make it. you are a fool. it is just go to happen again. ya you really love them but you are willing to put them in harm way. they do not really like you, you are a idiot for thinking so. it is all lies.....! - an so on an so on. it is not actual voices so no worries.
paranoia. the state of constant fear. i am not always in constant fear, or not to where i am aware of it. today i found out that the girl that had came forward has dropped all her charges an is recanting. the case is not closed by no means, but it is now not as strong as it was. and to top it the guy who was behind bars is now out on bail, an there is not a thing that can be done until they violate the bail terms. so them are both out. roam around. free to do what ever.
my brothers may both be living somewhere else when i get out of here. alan has had a past where he is basically on the sex offenders list for minors. he is go to court for possibly doing stuff wit a little boy. he has to go to a treatment center, for people with issues like his, he has be in one before. few years ago i could not stay at my dads house for more than 2 hours, an had no where to stay but y car, an that is where i spent christmas. my other brother, is stealing. from the family. i had 70 bucks hidden in my room saved for emergencies. he stole it. he is steal money from dad. it is get out hand. so dad is prob go kick him out. so the house will prob be empty cept for me an dad when i get out of here.
Christmas. not sure what i am go do. everyone, no joke, everyone, wants me to spend it with them. an it is real hard to choose who to spend it with. so maybe me will pull a granma, an spend it alone, at home, with the dogs.
i do not think i would have enough money to get to bambam's an back for christmas.
thanksgiving i am spending at home wit the dogs, watching christmas movies all day. an the next day i hope we go get a tree. it is some i have loved ever since i was little. we as a family, which will not be so this year, have always gone an got a tree the day after thanksgiving, yes black friday. few days later we decorate it. idk if we will be get a tree this year or not. christmas every year just seems to be a downer. not only in our house but every frakes family house. it is not the same without my granpa! no joke.
i think it is funny how all my friends are in way fight over me. know it is not real fight. but all them want to spend time with me. bambam an i are go to see the ocean, ash stephen an i are go to zoo, an amanda an i are go make cookies. kara an i are go practice asl an i am go give her her face back. lol. piglet an i are go do something, no joke.
pt, physical therapy, fyi. is real hard. i did 4 hours today. stood for two mins, an 20 secs wit out the cane. am not able to step yet. memory game is tough, still have not made a match. i sort of made a hum sound. it was real short, an not on purpose.
at the end of the day i feel like a scared helpless lil kid. i cannot protect myself, an i sure do not want to put anything extra on any of my friends. fact is that i cannot take care of myself right now. an that i need help. an this is something sour to admit.
when i was friends wit my family on facebook, i was told not to say anything, so there were times i did not, an other times i did. then i hear from a few people that i do not know how to stand up for myself. that was not the case at all. either way i looked like a idiot.
so now i struggle wit the standing up for myself thing an protecting myself. i do not want peopl to say that i let y friends do it for me, that i am a push over. i am not. an it kills me being so helpless.
so at the end of the day i also feel like a horrible person an frined.
why worry bout all this. tomorrow i could fall hit my head real hard an die. death is not something that is not going to happen. we all face death everyday. when my time comes, it comes, an is gone. just like that. an after a few weeks, i will be forgotten, probably for the better. in the end the sun goes down on all of us.
during pt i hit my head. so it thing are not spell right or sound right, sorry.
last nite before bed talk to jasi. her say her wish could take me from here an put me in washington. her say her no like idea of me go back around me family. i need people who let me rest an heal, her say me would get tht in washington. her no like that i will feel useless. me gree wit her. me no like idea of not help out, but agree do need rest an time to heal.
if it was not for trial an this whole mess an also not sure if me granma be ok with out me, i would leave . me dad say him car work good, but roof is leak in lot of places. him is mad. mad tht i no help fix it. me wish me could.
me granma is depressed, not some i like.
i finish wizards. or got caught up. me is go to have me friends watch it with me. them no kno what them is miss. no joke.
today pt. me was able stand for 10 sec wit no help. me was able stand 1 min plus wit cane help. still work on build strong. got done wit pt at 5. fell when therapist who was help me got distract an let go of me. boom. hit head pretty hard. mess wit spell an memory.
me slept real wall last night. me had dream that me was go visit bambam. on way me stop at Kara an Joey an saw Nicki too. Kara was try her hard to keep me at her house. then me went to this um, church. me new one peron there. after that got to bmbam's. her house was different. alan was wit me. her was boss him round, an me was sort po-ed bout it, cuz if anyone go boss him it be me, an then me thot it was funny. he went sleep. an then she made me go to bed. when me woke her parents were home. alan had disappear. an i felt great. it seem so real. like all dreams. but this one me wake wit smile an feel all warm.
there is no much to me. it is pose to snow. i watch glee. an am go sleep. after talk to ash, piglet, an maybe jasi. me miss them. me miss bambam. lots.
