the end

this is the end. the end of this adventure. one i was hoping that i would not end until after the whole court thing, but sadly i must. i must because even tho the blog is for me and to benefit me it has been doing harm that was never meant to be done. i am sorry for the harm done....

today has been one rough day, but that is the story of my life. i was told to day that i make people feel like crap, that i am a jerk, and that i do nothing but throw pity parties in my blog.
yesterday, i talked to a person, who is my friend on facebook, who wanted to know if i was better yet so that we could be friends again. they told me how they just could not deal with me being sick and retarded, so they stopped being my friend, they said it was easier. they said they had just started reading my blog and that things seemed to be going better so they wanted to start being my friend again. after a few messages, and hearing that they had talked to me a few times during the hospital and reading previous messages, i got pissed off. this person started saying i should do this or that, write about this or that, remove this or that from my blog. they told me how they had tried being a friend while i was in the hospital but they could not deal with lying to me, or making promises she knew she could not keep. then she said something that just set me off, she said it would have been better if god would have took you home instead of leaving me here as a retard, that the world already had enough of those. i lost it, and i wrote last nights blog post. most of which was geared towards her. i was so effing pissed.
i had a message that she sent last night waiting for me this morning and she said i was a horrible person and crap. so i deleted her and blocked her after reminding her of what she had said and how she is supposed to be a christian. i felt horrible for it but it was what was right. then i get a message from someone else and i wanted to tell them that it was not geared towards them, but i already felt so low and felt that telling this person that would just make things worse. so i took it.
it is my fault. every single thing is my fault and i will own up to it. i in no way wanted to just point out who i was talking about, like usu, so i just left it to a general sense. and it was taken that way. i have had 5 people come to me since i posted it all saying around the same things. do not worry this is no pitty party at all.
i should have done this a long time ago, but stupid me thought to go a head and keep going, and now i am here. to the point where i am probably going to lose more than one friend from what i write. so i am ending the blog today.
sure there are a lot of reasons as to why i should an could be unhappy but i am not. if anything i am scared and i used this blog to help get past those fears. but people do not understand and will not understand until they are in my shoes, dealing with what i am dealing with. it may seem lame and not that big a deal to everyone else, but to me, well i guess to me i can agree that i am lame.


i have learned in just a few months, half a year, from what i blogged and from just these last two months, that life is not fair. promises and a word given are sometimes broken, that plans never go the way you expect, and that life is full of twists and turns whether good or bad.

 i try my best to keep a smile on my face and be as kind as possible. i think i am handling things very well compared to the way i could be. it is clear that i cannot communicate well at all, and that my words do more damage than help. so with this last post i am ending this dumb idea of mine and going to start handling things the way i would without the blog.

i do not know what my future holds. who knows?  maybe in a few weeks someone will find me and i will be beat an left to die in a cold an lonely way. maybe by the weekend i will recieve great news about the case. maybe in a year or two i will be close to normal functioning and i will be heading out to try and be what i want to be in life. maybe before the night is over the world will come to an end.
no one knows the future. we all wish we did. it is a good thing we do not.

this adventure has been one hell of a ride. a ride that should have ended quite a few times. a ride that has destroyed who i once was an created who i now am. this ride has brought me to a point where it is hard to function and think like everyone else, but has also taught me that those very things are what set me apart from everyone else.

i began with little life, lot of struggling, and a weak will. i leave with life, hope, and strength. and i know that no matter what comes my way i can face it. so today i silence a voice that has been a big part of my life, a part of me. i end it with a bit of grief. it is not the end of the journey because the end of the journey has yet to come. and when it does come it will not be the end but the beginning of another adventure.

o what i can say

i still tip toe around in MY blog....which is bull shit. yep, that is right and i am very disappointed in myself for this.

ugh....it has been one hell of a week. tomorrow will offically be one week that i have been here. what a week it has been man.

i expected to come back and be at my dads all the time, hardly ever going any where, trying to do everything on my own, and blah blah blah.
but i got here and i was wrong. seemed like heading out of moberly the only two people that i had really been able to talk to were jasi and kendra. i was so glad about it too...seemed everyone else just either did not care or were to busy to. i know it seems rude but put yourself in my shoes....i am not lieing when i say i pretty much felt alone and abandoned. the people that i was supposed to be able to talk to were not there, too busy, really did not care, or all of the above.

some may get mad from readying this but if you are getting mad, then i hope it is at yourself and not me. i have took the blame far to long for things, things that were not even my fault, mainly because it seemed that the way people acted, talked, or responded to me made me feel i was r'esponsible for everything. so i blamed myself for stuff, for others, for a long time. it is like when parents get divorced, they blame the kids for everything, or the kids take the blame upon themselves for everything....that is how i felt, no matter what it was my fault.
i do not care if you get mad or not, i do not care if you get mad at me.
i am tired of people making me feel as if i am less than them. i am tired of being treated like a retard. it is not cool. i am a person, i have my defects but so does everyone else. i am tired of friends not being supportive, helpful, or understanding.
i may be lost in my mind, i may be someone totally different than who i used to be, but it is not my fault. i do blame myself for a lot of it. it is not fair to me that i get treated like shit by so many when i have not treated anyone that way. it would be different if i would have asked for all this but i did not.

it is the worse feeling in the world to feel alone, to feel abandoned.

my plan for my first night back, was to stay at my dads house at night, alone, while dad was at work and dustin gone, and basically just have soda and a hard drink mix and help myself sleep. i thought i was going to be a total wreck. and i was sure i was going to need help sleeping.
kendra had other plans for me tho. i think either way i would have went to have dinner with her. whether i was teary eyed or not.
what is awesome is that we have only been reconnected for going on 3 weeks, and it took hardly no time to warm up to her and ernie. i mean i still am warming up, but it only took me a few hours, a few days to be okay with being round them nd doing things with them. my second night here i stayed at their house. i have been over here most of the week.

i hve made kendra frustrated, and made her feel bad.....i hve not meant too.
i think if kendra and ernie were not in my life, had not entered my life when they did, that this first week of being back would hve been horrible.
i felt like everyone had given up on me, no one wanted me, i was tired of lies, i was tired of feeling worthless. i was ready to give up, i had no reason to continue fighting, as much as i wanted too there was no reason too. i thought i was coming back to a place where i would be alone, going through everything alone. ya,i know, everyone is there in spirit, but that really does no good, it does not help. i was going to be physically alone. that has been a big issue of mine for the last 2-3 months, i have been dealing with stuff physically alone, or a good majority of the time.
now i have kendra and ernie who are actually physically there or here. and today after listening to them talk, i have no reason not to trust them. i have no doubt that they will kick ass or shoot someone if it comes to it.

i hve a list of things to do this next week, including clening the house. my brother moved out which means it is just dad nd i. so the house is going to be orgnized and cleaned adn rearranged. dad adn i are also going to set rules for the family. i am supposed to go to my aunts tomorrow but if it is snowing and stuff out, forget it. i need to go to my granmas and visit her for  bit. i hve to give the dogs a bath, ugh nd i need to find help giving elvis a bath, he is the difficult one.

tomorrow tho i am going to go home for that night and the next night. it is vday and i am giving tht day to ernie n kendra.

last night i slept well. i slept hard, i did not move, i did not wake except when i woke for good. i was woke up, i tried going to sleep. i was a bit frustrated, but i got over that. after about an hour i decided that i was not going to get back to sleep. i got up and so far i have not felt totally exhausted, which is a change.

effiing cold

man it is so effing cold. i am freezing my ass off, no joke. ugh!

today has been a frustrating day. i did not sleep last night, as i was freezing my ass off and paranoid as hell. kendra told me to text her but i had gave my dad my word and could not go back on it. he was pissed off at me cuz i wanted spaghetti, and he was going to fix it, but i had not been home at all that day. so he told me if i stayed home he would make me spaghetti. so i have been home all day. freezing my effing ass off. no joke.
i nailed my "closet curtain" up over the window to try to make it semi warmer in here. it has not worked well. -15 windchill for tonight. this morning i felt like i was going to be horribly sick because of the germs in this house and then the cold adding to it. i have had the space heater on all day on high, as high as it will go, and it is still freezing in here.

i went with dad to run errands this am. he went and got food from walmart, then he went and paid cable bill, and then he went to the irs and had me go get the forms he needed...this took 30 mins. ugh! and then i could not figure out how to work the elevator, talk a bout a freaking idiot, yep that is me. it was not like most elevators. i kept trying to figure it out thinking if i pressed that silver button that it would set off the fire alarm. finally i figured screw it, if the alarm went off that i would be escorted out of the building. i pushed it and the elevator doors opened. we got home and he finally put the deadbolt in the door. it took him an hour but he got it done. no one is getting in that door unless the kick it in, or some other way.
my dad says i am paranoid....duh!

he is making spaghetti for me tonight. yay me! i am going to kendra and ernies for the night though.

i got all unpacked and organized. helped turn my brothers room into mine. i found 3 half empty beer cans in my desk in his room. he broke his contract with dad but dad refuses to kick him out. it is bs if you ask me.

i am hungry, cold, tired, and frustrated. i would be good to hear from people, i never shoot anyone a message cuz i feel like a bother.

i am going to go fix a sandwhich. nd pack some things for tonight. stay warm!

junior

just for the record junior just ran up behind me and shocked me. i have no clue what he is chasing but it is invisible to me. it is funny watching him.

last few nights i have stayed with kendra and ernie. it has been really nice. and i am surprised at myself. why? because it took me forever to be ok with the idea of staying at debbies, and after just a week and one day visiting them, i have stayed two nights. i did make a promise that i would stay the first night, and i keep my promises, or try too.
we went down to the state building an applied for food stamps, i got them, we were there for a while. there were people i knew, so i was a bit freaked out.
- junior just threw his toy at my head -
i was freaked out just about going but i went. i could have applied for medicaid right then too, but i was really starting to freak out, i was bout to start crying. it was that bad. i did not get that done, boo on me. i felt so horrible. i was frustrated,  kendra was frustrated, and i could not explain to her why.....i just knew i had to leave. and leave we did. i was so disappointed in myself and felt even worse because i knew kendra was not too happy. i just wanted to go home at that point and hide, color, and cry. i am still pretty upset with myself.
i guess it is true, i am REALLY hard on myself. i will not stop beating myself up over this one for a week or two. ugh! UGH!

i got back to town and i cut my hair. was going to do a six but it did not seem to be doing anything..so i did a five and it is really short. i was skyping with piglet and i looked at my video feed at the bottom corner and you can see where the hair is gone from one of the scars, but i guess i notice it because i know where it is...piglet did not until i pointed it out to her. it is hard to see the scars...i am not sure if this is a good thing or not.

the first night i stayed with kendra and ernie we had pizza, and i was sitting there eating it watching the news, and i kept forgetting where i was..it was not that i did not know i was at their house, i did not know what town, or state i was in. i was watching the news thinking to myself how did they get fox 4 kc news here, we are in moberly, and then i would remember no we are in town. this happened every few minutes for like an hour. ugh! and then i was thinking it would be so cool if a bunch of us hung out, and then i remembered that we all are in different towns. this forgetting where i am rarely happens any more.
one thing about me is fo sho tho, i do not let on to when i am in these moments, and same goes for pain.

i have been doing pretty good i think, for all that we have been doing the last few days. yesterday we were going to the store and i about started crying...i thought it was sunday, and i was all sad because i thought i was missing church at rff.
it feels like it has been a week. i have not been very active on facebook or texting, infact stephen told me it is like i just dropped off the face of the earth...haha, if only.

we have been out most of the day, i have been on the go from place to place basically since i got here.

i am afraid of running into pepole i know, and it has already happened, i am sre there are people who know me that i do not remember.
i feel fine and safe around kendra and ernie, but out and about, i am freaked, i clam up....it is not noticable, or too noticable.

my first night i did not get back to my dads til like 230 am, my dad was at work and the dogs were happy to see me. my brothers room has both the windows broken out, the front door does not stay shut and when locked you can push it open, the window on the door is broken out. there are other things about the house too but i do not want to give away secrets. over my brothers windows are two trash bags, the thin piece of cardboard i put in my windos to hold them up, plastic and a blanket. you can hear everything, like if you were outside.
kendra had just left and i heard car doors, and then the front door open. i was just laying down for bed, and now i was freaked. i went in my/dustins room and grabbed my phone and cane, i was ready to fight and hit the panic button on my phone, and a person came around the corner and the dogs were not barking, it was my dad. i forgot that he told me he started coming home again on his lunch breaks. ugh, dad! scared the living ship out of me! i did not get to bed til 4 and i did not get much sleep at all.
that mornig i decided to just give up on sleeping, bubbles and elvis use my kitten as their play toy so all night the dogs are chasing the cat and the cat chasing the dogs, running all over me, ugh! but it is ok.

i got up and i started cleaning the bath room. i have before an after photos. i need to get a mat for the tub. it took me forever. i got the toliet, tub, and sink clean as could. now on to the rest of the house. my room is going to take a while....my brother totally tore it up, i know that he was not the only one, but he took my desk, my tv, my photo of dogs playing pool, my bed, ugh! i do not understand my family at all. my sister took my girlish clothes, was wearing my swade winter jacket.

there is a lot i could say and put in this post but i just do not want too. today my head and legs hurt, and i feel like just crying, and then i also feel really insecure, disappointed and frustrated, in/with myself.

my new word is ugh! ugh, no joke!

stardust

man yesterday, monday, was quite the day. i did not sleep well. i went to bed at like 10 sunday night and woke up at 1130 ready to start the day. i woke up at 2, 3, and then 5. i have not been sleeping well. i got up at 5 and just kept praying that it would be a good day, cuz that is what i needed. we had breakfast together, it was great! i was slow to finish but, i am just slow in general. ash left after giving me a hug and wishing me good luck. it was an odd way to say bye, but it worked. the morning was spent with stephen coming and going and me finishing packing in spurts. jess and cady finally came out. cady was acting all crazy. i had finished cleaning the room and packing. jess stephen and i had talked some and ate pizza. soon my dad was there. we loaded up and stephen and i said our goodbyes...he looked like he was ready to cry, the poor guy, i gave him a hug and left.
it was not how i expected it to be. earlier i was on the verge of tears and then i was in tears after stephen sscared both cady and me. i was at peace the whole time, which was strange.
we pulled out and went to mcdonalds cuz dad had not ate. i walked in and ordered and bought his food. i had it typed out and showed it to the cashier, she did not speak to me the whole time, would not even look at me. it was kinda rude. while waiting this older guy came up to me and said, you know they do not use canes any more, what you do is sign your order than they will give it to you for free cuz they think you are deaf. ...it was great!
the whole way back my phone was on the verge of dying. we had just made it back and got it plugged it, any later and it would have died. i unpacked the car, dad did not help. then we had to go get my sister from the hospital...she is ok, she just freaks out abot every little thing and just has to go to the er. ugh.
this put off my plans by an hour or two. i got home and finished cutting my hair, and i got ready to go to kendra and ernies. i was shaking from nerves, and from the chill out side. they showed up, at the wrong house, i told them go one more block, i am staring at you. i am not sure how they missed me. i was the only creep standing on the side walk, lol.
we got to their house and it was nice. i did not feel nervous anymore, and i felt safe and comfortable. no joke. we had dinner and it was great, than we watched a movie. ernie went to bed and kendra and i just talked. it was nice.
and here i am at the house again. when i first arrived bubbles was happy to see me! stardust and elvis came up to me too. kept knocking me over.

i turned my brothers room into my room, since he trashed mine, or helped trash it. ugh there is a lot of cleaning for me to do.

today is going to be a semi busy day, i really do not want to do work on this day but got to do what i got to do.
my throat is hurting me, tho i have not talked, and i am tired. bubbles and stardust are laying next to me ready for bed...i think we shall sleep!

The dead zone

Watching some of these episodes just makes me cringe.

I have trigger memories,  memories that are triggered by something. It could be a person place thing.. ...anything.

Johnny wakes up after being in a car accident, sustaining major brain damage, and being in a coma .....he wakes up 6 years after the accident.
Everything had changed. It took him a year just to begin to adjust. Took him a while to learn how to walk without a cane.

The dead zone used to be one of my favorite shows. ....according to my Facebook.

I have always wondered why I have trouble walking.. ..wondering if my legs were injured or what. ..but it seems with brain injuries it is a complication.
To bad I did not get the ability that he did.. ...that would be sweet I think. ...OK no it would not be.. ..never mind.

Tonight is my last night here. I am laying in bed typing this out. This morning I was fine and now  I am beginning to freak out.

Tomorrow will be interesting and I would really just like it to be a good day.  I want to leave on a good note.

Busy busy day tomorrow. I just hope it is not one I Will go through alone.

full day

this is my last full day in moberly.

for about 2 hours i was in a really good relaxed comfortable mood. i was able to be myself. when i say myself i mean the child me...that is who i am. i act like a child when i feel really comfortable. i flapped my lips a lot today, it was hilarious. then i blew on my hand and it made this huge farting noise which made cady jump, and it was REALLY funny. i was having fun doing the most annoying things.

tonight will be my last night spent with ash. i cherish my time with her. i do not know if i will ever see her again. i will get to spend tomorrow and monday morning with her a bit, but she will be rushing to eat and get ready for work, so it is not the same.

stephen text me this morning and said you know no one is mad at you right? .....it does not seem that way and i do not feel like no one is mad. i feel the complete opposite. which would explain a lot. i feel like i have done something wrong, i feel ignored a lot. i try so hard to be a part of things, especially this house. i do not know if it because my head is so screwed up, or if it is because i cannot talk, but it has to be something wrong with me.

maybe no one is mad....maybe my frustration just is blinding me. i have not changed since i have been here. i may have become more reserved given everything that has happened the last few weeks, but i really have not changed. i really have not done anything different since i have been here either.
i do not understand why it is so hard for people to talk to me, i am not deaf, i am just stupid and mute.

tomorrow i have church, or i hope i do. i have not asked for a ride yet. then monday i am packing up and heading out.

i do not think people understand what it is like to be me...well they cannot. unless they have been in a similar situation, they cannot understand. i am so frustrated with this whole situation. i am scared, and i am having a heck of a time understanding things. people do not understand how easily i get freaked out. i was finally getting over the freaking out about moving to debbies and then things changed and i am back to freaking out a lot.

monday night i am going to have dinner with friends. i am excited to see them, but it is like meeting them for the first time again. i am a lil freaked, i will be more freaked when it gets closer to actual time to see them. they understand this, which is good.

anyways. i am willing to send texts a few times a day to anyone to let people know that i am fine, so if you would like me too, let me know.
i am still trying to figure out emergancy contacts, whether or not i want to rewrite my will and stuff.

things lately have been changing way to fast and it is hard for me to just go with it all and understand. i have to adjust and it is hard when things change in a matter of a day.

i am uncertain of the good in life, i am uncertain of the bad in life. i am just uncertain of life. there is no shame in that.

the last few days

Monday I will be going back to my dads house. It was going to happen sooner or later. And if I would have known what I do now a few weeks ago, I would have saved a lot of trouble and just stayed in st jo.


I do not get god at all.…. I think god hates me.

I am really frustrated right now and there is a lot I should say, but I cannot.

My dad is coming to get me on Monday, yay! I get to go home to an empty house, to a mess, to having to do everything on my own.


People think I am depressed, that I am never happy, but really I am happy most the time, I have a lot of trouble understanding things, and those are the things I blog about. There is a difference between trying to understand something and being depressed or sad. Yeah there are times I am sad but I spend a lot of time just trying to understand what is going on around me.

I watched hotel Rwanda, great movie….but people are fools. War is dumb. Mankind is killing itself and for what, to prove that one man is better than another? I wonder when we will get it through our heads that no one man is worth more than another, that we are all equal. I think we need to spend less time fighting and trying to prove who is better and more time helping one another out, trying to improve the world we live in. we are fools and that will not change until this race decides to grow up.

I think I need to take a nap. Me and peter. And cady. Or just watch the storm thro my window. I need to disappear into something other than my own head.

I read something the other day that basically said tell the ones you love that you love them often, because you cannot tell them enough and you may never get the chance to tell them again. Telling someone you love them is one of the best things anyone can receive.
I believe in this. So I tell people all the time. It just sucks that more times than not it is not said back.

I did not get that nap in. I did get to talk to jasi for a good while today. She is pretty awesome. She is someone I can talk to and she understands. And she just talks to me. So many people do not do that, they do not talk. They will say something and then that is it. And people wonder why I say that I feel left out a lot. I love just talking to people about anything and everything. And jasi talks to me about anything and everything. She told me today that I would probably get annoyed with her if we were in person and I said I would not be annoyed at all bt thankful.

Today has been a rough day….everything and everyone just seemed to want to just everything today. I spent most of the day jumping from conversation to conversation….most of which ended up me getting yelled at. My family is driving me crazy. My brother is about to get his ass kicked my me if he keeps up his lil jack ass act.

Tomorrow I may hang out with McGuire. I am going to finish my project…I have to make some changes to them.

Monday morning is going to be a fun morning. I am not looking forward to the afternoon, but am ready for that night. I got told by my aunt today that my room is a mess..o yay…maybe I will see if my brother will go stay at my sisters so I can sleep in his room. It would be nice. Infact I am going to text him about it in a bit.

Right now I wish I had some ice cream or m and ms. I am not much of a sweets person but I do enjoy those.

There is so much going through my head right now….or was now it just seems blank.

I think after dinner I am going to go to bed. Cady slept next to me last night, kept trying to push me off the bed. I think finally she got tired of me fighting her for the bed and moved to the floor….now she is trying to over take the loveseat….she is too funny!

Projects

Yesterday I started a project that I decided to do. It came to me on Sunday as I was sitting in church when it came to me.
So yesterday I started this project. Took me most of the day. I am still working on it. I just hope my work is well worth it.

I am still not sure how I am getting to St jo. Or where I am staying. But I think Tuesday or Wednesday is when I will be heading there.Stephen said that him and Ash want to take me there and they both have those days off. ...sigh. ...I feel like a jerk.

The last few days I have been in a horrible mood but today is better. I did not sleep well.. ...it did not help that I was making out with the wall. ...thank you Cady.

Tonight it is just Ash and I. Tomorrow I am going to get up. I am such a bum.

ughs!

i am sure i am catching something. i woke last night coughing and trying to breath. i can feel it coming.

i have not been sleeping well. i have tried to sleep different ways and nothing has worked. tonight i am going to put my feet at my head board and try it that way.

last night i watched courageous and then i started smurfs. i stopped after realizing that i could not stay awake to watch it all. i had a horrible horrible dream, it was exorcist worthy. at the end of it i had a seizure. it scared me. i pulled myself together and layed in bed for a while. i finished the smurfs movie.

the last few days i have just been in a pissy mood. and small things keep making it worse. i will almost be out of it and then something will happen and i will get pissed off all over again. i guess it does not help that i am tired and that my head is killing me, and now i may be catching something that will make me sicker than i am. and if i have to go back to the hospital, somebody shoot me before hand.

i made a new friend today. i am looking forward to getting to know her. i think i may have made two new friends today.

i am patiently awaiting to hear where i will be staying in st jo. i thought i knew but now i am not sure.

i am down to my last 20 bucks. 5 of that will disappear sunday for lunch.

jasi and i have been talking today and one thing she said, i like, so i am repeating uz it is true, and anyone who tells me it is not, can gladly take my place. here is what she said.
                               Not enough people understand enough to .... well, understand.
                              You're not 22. You died. And then you were born again, and not in the Christian way.

it is true. i think people forget this. i am working on getting to my physical age but it is going to take time. i think i am doing pretty damn good given the circumstances.

today i started a project and i am almost done with it. just a few more things and i will be done with it.

i am down to my last week here and it is weird.

i am going to go to bed soon. i do not have the spoons to stay up much longer and expect to make it to my bed.

passion

we all have passions, we all have that one thing that we are really passionate about. sara told me a few sundays ago that i was going to school for youth an family.

yesterday i woke up at 5 something in the am, took a shower and got ready to leave. i thought shortie had forgotten about me, but i was mistaken and she showed up to get me. i got to be a friend to her, which i do not get to be often. we got to church and started setting up. we got set up and then went to eat donuts. i ate two, i think, or three. i was hungry. some of the youth group girls showed up and i was being a brat and everytime they would come over to me i would take off. we sat in the front row and listened to music. the band was amazing. it was nice to see faces that i knew, or that i was getting to know. it was good being around some very nice people. it was great being front row with the music playing. everything just seemed to disappear and i was smiling, which i do but not like i was right then, and i felt that tug in my heart but it was not as bad at it used to be, and i felt at peace, like that is where i wanted to stay. right there in that moment.
we went back and finished. kelly came in and gave me a hug. i do not expect hugs, but it is great when i get them. we went into trek time and did the song and communion. i had met some of the helpers that had not been there for a while. one was really nice, i do not remember her name, but she was a school teacher at the high school and now is a teacher in hallsville. she stood around and was patient while i typed out my name and told her that i had gone to central. she was really nice.
we broke off and went in to our own room with the 3 year olds. there was this lil black girl and she just smiled and it was a cute smile. we played a game and did the lesson on adam and eve. at the end the kids kept on asking who is he, referring to me, and sara and amanda were like she is brittany...it was hilarious. we went back into trek time and finished with them.
this really tall guy came over to me and was like hey brittany, he was with a woman and i am sure i have to know them. they have 3 kids. one was in our class. it was the first high five that i have given to anyone. hahaha. it was an experience.
we cleaned up and headed out. amanda and i went back to her place and watched in plain sight. i am really good at getting people into tv shows. and other things. lol. val and justin got home. i got to hold elijah for about 30 mins. he has a strong grip, i was surprised. he is sooooooooooooo cute. he spit up on me 3 times. haha, i did not mind.
we decided we were hungry, and sara had left after finishing making me a hat, which i love. and we decided to go to subway. it was good.
i was going to go to youth group but there was really no one to bring me home from the college. and i am iffy about riding in a car full of guys, just saying. and then i got a text from stephen saying that him and ash wanted to talk to me. i was sure i was in trouble even though they said i was not. i decided that what ever it was i wanted to get it over with, tho shortie said she would keep me forever. she was going to hide me under her bed and feed me the crums...lol. jk.
shortie brought me home and they ate dinner. then they sat on the couch and we talked. haha. there was only one part that made me feel like i was in trouble. but, i do not care now. it was to set in stone the moving to st jo. which i was sure was set in stone. infact the rock is outside. lol.
i sat around for a bit and then i decided to go to bed. i was tired. i started watching the bucket list, i thought it dragged out the beginning. so i stopped it and went to bed.
i woke up early, after having a weird dream. one which i do not remember. i sat p and got a bloody nose, so i hurried and took care of taht. than i went and sat in with ash. we ate breakfast, i did dishes, and then went and finished the bucket list. i may or may not watch it again. i watched traffik, which i did not really get, and i watched half of blood diamond. i am trying to finish the movies i borrowed like two weeks ago from the jones so i can return them and borrow one or two more. lol. we went to china garden for lunch. it was actually good today. we got home and i did nothing for a bit. everyone left. i swept the living room and picked up hair. ash got here and we sat around for a while. she made hamberger helper for dinner, which was great, and now we are watching tv again.

shortie told me yesterday that she really likes that i love just spending time with people and not wanting to do anything with people. which is true. i may say i want to do something with people, but really i just want to be around people, i enjoy time with people.

back to the beginning. passions. i really love being part of trek time and encounter. i love hanging with the kids and the youth, maybe because i can be more of who i am in my head around them. i hope i can get involved with a youth group and not for just a month. the kids have been texting me and facebooking me and hanging around me and i really like that. i really like being around the kids and youth, no joke.

sunday i was not at my best. bert asked me if i was doing better and i shook my head yes, but i felt bad for it. the whole day i had felt so out of it like i could have passed out at any time. i was exhausted and had only been up for 3 hours. my feet were killing me and my whole head hurt. my wisdom tooth is still coming up, and that does not help.
lately i have been feeling that i have been out of it. i have been doing the craziest things. like panting like a dog, enjoying the smell of dog food. i was getting some applesauce the other day and i put the applesauce into the cabinet. i felt so dumb....but that is stuff i have been doing. or i was writing someone and i sent something that i have no clue where it came from and it made no sense, and i have been doing that a lot too. sigh. haha.

the youth group kids have told me they missed me, they know my name, they think i am awesome, and nice, and they enjoy having me around. it would be great to be able to come back and visit or later this year that i would be able to come back and be a part of things for more than a month or two.

i am preparing myself tho to go back to st jo. i need to start preparing myself for all that is going to come in the next few months, esp april. i am so out of the loop with things right now, but it sorta does not bug me.

so there it is. my blog post for two days. i went outside and stood on the porch looking out into the neighborhood with cady adn stephen. it was such a beautiful day. it was a great day for the most part. boy i am going to miss this!

my blog

just to let people know this is my blog. just saying, if you do not like something i say, get over it or get lost. --this is what i told a friend last night when they said something about starting a blog.

i went to bed last night thinking if i put my phone on the usb to charge i can use it no problem. well i did, and it died 3 times on me. so i waited 5 mins to turn it on and then it stopped dying. i was trying to continue my conversation with kendra and then it finally came to the point where i was like i might fall asleep on you, just to let you know.

i woke up at 530 this morn, no i did not stay up either. i went back to sleep at 6. i woke up at 830...and boy did i hurt, i was not sure if i could move or not. i sat there listening to the voices coming from the rest of the house....and it was not talking, it was yelling..and not bad yelling, stephen has def been very much like peeves lately. it is hilarious.
i finally came out of my room and we had breakfast it was good. i washed most the dishes, when i went to start them i got very pissed off.
kendra and i started to chat again. i got dishes done and have been sitting at the table most the day. i was in a pretty good mood, and now i am just pissed. there are certain things that i am done with. i am fed up, and i will not tolerate it anymore.

thing about me is that i do not get offended easily or pissed off easily, i hardly ever get angry, i usually get frustrated, but saying i am pissed off and fed up, than i am really done with something.

i am waiting for sara mc an ashley m to show up. we are going to hang out. it will be good to see them.

kendra keeps telling me that i am one of the sweetest people she knows. hahahahaha. i am a jerk. today, i have been an asshole. true story. i could have been a major ass but i decided that it was not worth it. mainly because i am FED UP. lol. i am not sweet at all.

so i said i was going to talk about my health today. well right now i am pissed and therefore my body is tense. the last few days i have been getting a horrible headache. i have not had one like these in a while. they get so bad that i have to close my eyes and just stop everything. i am going back wards in my health. i keep wondering if the meninjitis is going to pop back up, and it is possible. ugh, i do not think i could do another 4 months in the hospital. and what is worse is that meninjitis is contagious. so no visitors.....grr....lol. it is kinda one of those shoot me now things. i do know that i need to go see a neurologist, but that will prob not happen. well i think that is all i am going to say about my health for right now.
i am hoping to get on food stamps and medicade/medicare.

bambam and i have not talked for a while but i am thinking about going to visit her....sometime within the next 6 months. given that i can an am not in the hospital or dead.

6 months, that is how long i am not able to drive legally. which when april comes may have to start at day 1 again. i do hope that this whole seizure thing dies off, it would be nice. i am not sure when the last time i had one was. i am sure it is in my blog somewhere.

people keep asking me what my favorite color is and i do not have one. i would like a quilt...i know it is random but i keep seeing them on pinterest and they seem so cool.

well time to go eat. boy did i eat too. it was sara treat, mostly. we went to taco bell and then we went to mcdonalds. it was weird. she kept showing me photos and videos from college and i kept thinking, well on certain photos, what in the hell was up with my hair, and two, it is so weird, i do not remember any of it.
my phone died at taco bell...the last person i talked to on it was stephen. i think i confuse him a lot, which is funny.

sara was eating ice and she says it is cold and i was like duh. on our way there this truck was at the gas station and he looked like he was waiting to pull out and out he pulled almost causing us to run right into him. sara yelled, and it was the first time this whole time i have been here that i was actually scared for a sec from driving around. my chest had hurt. i thought i was going to have a heart attack.

at mcdonalds sara got busy and i watched fox news. i am intregued by the news. they were doing this special on the cruise ship that wrecked, and then a piece on a woman who cannot run for office because she cannot speak good english though she was born and raised in the us, and then they did this thing on the occupy movement, and a train that crashed in cali. the best part was listening to palin indorse gingrich in the president election.

we left and sara dropped me off. WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF....cady was barking at me and then so excited to see me that she riped her lead right out of the ground. she would not let me walk or go up the steps...she kept trying to jump up to lick my face. i walked in and things seem eriee around here. the whole day has seemed kinda that way. maybe it is just me.

tomorrow is going to be fun. we are going to be in with the 3 year olds again. i am going to take my laptop, my phone charger and wall plug, and maybe a book. i am not sure what is going on tomororw or how it is going to work. i am thinking that next sunday will be my last sunday. if i am not mistaken that makes it super bowl sunday.

if so then that makes it 5 years since the first time one of those boys stepped into my life. well feb 4th to be exact, i think. which means taht they can no longer be tried for that offense. which sucks but that is life.

today has been an iffy day. there were parts that i hated, there were parts that i loved, and there were decisions i made.

i am not looking to be anyones hero or be looked up too. i am just looking to be me. we all have a story. we all have struggles. we all go through tuff things. i believe that not one struggle is greater than another. we should focus on living life, getting through our pain, and help someone else get through theirs.

i can honestly say life is good, even when i feel like it sucks. and that is coming from me. nothing is stopping us from making everyday a good day, nothing that is but ourselves. i hardly ever let anything keep a smile off my face, so why should you?

refreshing

today has been another great day. this morning i woke up at 4 and have not been back to bed since then. i am surprised taht i did not wake up at 12 something like i usually do.
i guess i want to be a dog because yesterday i was panting with my tongue sticking out as i was scratching my head, and then as i was taking stuff to my room to go to bed, i smelt something good, and it made me want to eat it and then i realized it was the dog food...i thought a bout it for a bit, no joke!

ash and i ate breakfast and then she left. i guess the place stephen is working for is looking for people who know sign. it would be good if i was good at signing. i did dishes and then watched smallville. i decided to work on my farm on facebook. stephen an jess got up and i was then watching police woman.

so jess is sitting there and she is like, i do not like woman as cops, they yell a lot and are mean. i just stared at her like seriously. when i grow up, i want to be a freaking cop, even more than that. and if you think about it, when you think of women you think of a loving nature, so therefore they have to be mean and yell to get their job done. i cannot wait, and i hope taht i can do it, i thrive for the action and adventure.

stephen and i spent a while talking. it made me feel a lot better. and it really was not much that we talked about.

yesterday i got, yea it was yesterday or the night before, but i got a friend request from a friend from high school. i was just thinking about her too. we have spent most of the day talking, we are still talking. it is nice. i look forward to seeing her when i get back to st jo, her an her husband. i went to high school with both of them. kendra told me that they want to take me out to dinner when i get back.
it has been good talking with her. i am glad she is back in my life. she is a great friend. the more i talk to her the more i feel alright about returning to st. jo. it is more the knowing that i have friends and support there.

it is good having true friends. i love the friends i have.

it is sorta snowing and sleeting out. i was talking to jasi and boy did we have a short but great convo. in a bit i am going to do dishes and then go to my room an go to bed. last night i watched one of the 150 cartoon discs half way and i went to bed.  tonight i will probably do the same thing.

i feel like things are getting back to normal around here. even i am starting to get real comfortable. one thing you should know about me is that i am reserved because i cannot really communicate, or it seems pointless at times to try. but if i am really really comfortable i become more like me. i am like a lil kid, i will bounce around, hum if i can, bob back and forth, sorta dance, and you can tell, i am relaxed. i am sure everyone in the house has seen a glimpse of it. cady sees it all the time.

cady likes cuddling with me. she gets under the covers with me, sits next to me on the couch, lately she waits and ignores everyone for as long as she can and hangs out with me. earlier today stephen was messing with jess, and jess was trying to get cady to move because of what stephen was saying, cady sat up and just stared at her....bubbles does the same thing to dustin....it is that look that says touch me one more time, try to make me move, or touch my person and i will kick your ass. it was hilarious. i do not know why dogs do that but it is funny.

maybe i will just wait until tomorrow to do dishes. i am pretty tired. tomorrow i am going to write about my health. i should be a good weekend. i am excited about sunday, not only for church, but the jones will have the house to themselves for half the day.

fact time. three of my best friends have the last name jones and are married, stephen and ash, and lonnie and becka.....and then, did you know that wolves go out to hunt and when they come back to the pack other wolves would come up and lick the mouth of the hunter wanting the hunter wolf to puke up what they had ate, so when a dog licks your face, most of the time it is because they want the food that you ate. this one is out of place but the average age of a thanksgiving turkey is 9 months.

well i am off to bed i think.

pizza hut

last night was as good as the rest of the day had been. or maybe a bit better. i went to sleep and i woke up at 1230 and stayed up til 1 then slept and was up at 3, have been up ever since. i had a scary dream. this may sound stupid to you, but my mentality switches between ages, and last night was def a children mentality night.
i was in the house i am sure i grew up in. there was this giant saint Bearnard bumble bee. it stung me. (so this bumble bee was a huge bee, and it looked like a saint bearnard on wings. and when it stung me i could still feel the sting when i woke up) i thought i would just shake it off and then my hand started getting huge, turning colors and it really hurt. i went to my dad and i said my hand is not supposed to do that is it? and i just stared at it and that is when i woke up. i am not kidding when i say i was scared that a saint bernard bumble bee was going to get me. i even looked at my hand as it still hurt to see if i could see the stinger.

i know i am pathetic. i was terrified because of this dream so i did not go back to sleep. i got on my phone and did facebook for a bit and then i decided to move to the kitchen so i would not wake anyone up. i sat at the table and watched the rest of the first dragonball z movie. then i started watching pineapple express. while watching these things i finally got my pinterest account set up. and then my brother texted me which i was not expecting. he was all freaked out yesterday because he could not get this site to work, it was like the end of his life. this morning he wanted my netflix account stuff...which i had given him before. i do not mind him having it because i am paying for it and i hardly ever use it.
ash woke up and we had breakfast. i guess yesterdays blog post gave her a good laugh. then she was leaving for work and she said this coffee does not taste good with tooth paste. i said, i have never heard of anyone putting toothpaste in their coffee. i knew what she meant but it was still funny. and then i remembered a time i was skyping with the jones, and we were talking about cady and her hair...and i had said something and then stephen said oh we just use the broom...i think i said you sweep the dog....i was in the hospital...but once they explained it to me i felt a fool. it was hilarious. so i was in the chair this am cracking up. plus when it is early in the am i just laugh.
ash left and i took a shower. stephen was up and then jess woke and we spent almost all morning in the living room just doing nothing basically. no that is a lie...stephen i think lost a marble or soemthing, it was hilarious! he kept on trying to cover jess up with the blanket so they were both warm, and both using the same blanket, and then they kept scaring one another, flooding each others inboxes, and then stephen decided to call lauren over an over and over like 20 times with his an jess phone. it was funny to watch.
they both got ready and left for work. i swept, did dishes, picked up some and that was basically it. ash got home and we decided we were hungry but did not want to cook, so we went to pizza hut with lauren and kevin. shortie joined us. it was a fun night.
now we are home getting ready to watch tv.

i am glad i did not decide to back out of posting yesterdays post. it helped me feel better, prob because all that had been just building and it seemed everyone was busy and so i did not really have anyone to talk too. i mean i did but people were working, sick, or just busy and i did not want to bother anyone.

i did get to talk to my big sis becks today for a bit. it was good. i miss her. she makes me smile. and it was good spending time with ash, and then seeing shortie. i really enjoy the time i get with people. it makes me feel good!

i have not talked about my health and i am not going to unless someone asks about it. i just figure it is not that important, so no need to blog about it.

i am excited about sunday. sundays have become one of my favorite days of the week. it is sad that i do not get to see anyone at the house the whole day, but i do enjoy sundays. i get out the whole day and i get to go to church and i do not know. does anyone else ever feel like their heart is attached to a fishing line, and you are hooked and you can feel a tugging? i am not sure what it is, but every time i go to the church i just feel a tug. it is like my heart is telling me something and i wish i knew what.

last sunday we, mcguire and i, walked in and started setting up lil pebles and flinstones, and brooke and lauren were sitting and sara walked up to them and brooke told sara something then said where i could here, you can tell your friend i said that. brooke is the age of alan, i am 6 years older than her. she told sara that she had prayed for me because she felt like i needed it. the whole time i have been here a lot of people have come up and told me they prayed for me. i just do not understand, they do not know me, but they pray for me. it is strange, but nice.

i think i need to watch where i walk. all day today, i have been tripping over the back door floor thing, and then i about fell in my bedroom from my blanket moving under my feet, sigh.

today i am happy, yester day i was happy, and the day before i was happy, so this week has been a good week. i hope it ends as good!

defectiveness sucks.

yesterday was a great day. ash was in a good mood, great mood. this morning we all got up and had breakfast together. it was great. the last 24 hours have been great. and tonight should be even better, at least i hope so. maybe stephen will say some more awkward hilarious stuff at the wrong moments.

things in the house are finally starting to turn around for everyone. life is starting to come together, and stress is being relieved. i am extremely happy for them all.

i am going to say it, there is a but....
before i go on, i want anyone that is reading this to know or to remember that i am defective in the brain.

there are things that i am struggling with, and this post is what is going on in my head. i am not sure when the last time was that i wrote a post like this, so here it goes.

i like to use my google + account to express myself or what i am feeling, every so often.

life is coming together for everyone but me it seems. infact, the life that i have started putting together for myself is soon going to be gone. i am not saying any of this to in anyway make anyone feel bad, this is me  trying to figure things out, trying to understand, and trying to be okay with everything.

in less than two weeks i will be going back to st jo. the first night that it became a done deal i was so terrified that i was shaking so hard. it took me a few days to be ok with it. i have gone a whole week being at peace with it.
all the stress in the house, the different issues, i knew that once i left that part of that stress would die. i also know that pt is something, as much as i say i can do it on my own, that i know i need help with. that is the main reason for going to st jo.
i was sitting in my room organizing, packing away a few more things, and it hit me again, soon i will be back in st jo. fear started to break through the peace that i had. it would not be so bad if i knew i would be coming back here in a few months, but i know nothing of my future. i hardly know the people i am going to be staying with tho i do know that they are good people. i am leaving some of my best friends, the church i have started to grow to love, and the peace and safety that i have come to know. i am returning to a place where i hardly know anyone, where i have no friends like i do here, where i cannot bear to go to a church or really anywhere because once i am seen i mise well start digging my own grave, and where fear and danger will be all i will feel.
i have said it before, i will say it again, it does not matter where i am or who i am with in st jo, i will be in constant fear.

i have hope tho. i am excited about the whole pt thing, as weird as it sounds. i am excited that i can go see bubbles, elvis, and stardust at almost any time. i am going to miss being here, i am going to miss my friends, cady, as weird as it sounds my church, and the other things that make me feel warm inside.

jess said earlier today, see what happens when you keep praying to god. at lunch they were talking about how god brought us here for a reason back to moberly. god, purpose, praying....i almost feel as if since i am not a christian that things automatically go bad for you. but i pray....i am searching, searching for truth to who god is, what god means to me...and all that. i am having a hard time understanding why 1 god, saying that i believe in him, would let me come out of the hospital alive, 2 why he, given god is a man, would take me from a horrible place, bring me here, and then place me back in a town where it is not safe for me. 

the last 6-8 months have been a journey. most of which i cannot remember. it has been full of changes, constant moving, and so much more. the time i have been here has been a break, a weird but good change from what i experienced my first week out of the hospital. i am grateful for what the jones have done for me. i will continue to look up to them. i will forever be eternally grateful.

i know most of this sounds pathetic, but i am trying hard to understand what is going on, adjust to the changes, and figure out my future. but i guess sometimes the best adventure is the one that is so uncertain, so full of surprises, and one that is unplanned.

Lame

Today has been lame. ....mainly because everything about me and everything I did was pretty much lame.

I woke up.. ..and not in a good way or at a good time.. ...to a bad start. I thought if I finished my blog post from yesterday that I would accomplish one thing and go on to accomplish another.

I was very weary of leaving my room. But I had to or I was going to pee my pants.. .lol. so I went potty and came back to my room.

I put what I could into my post without making it super super long and decided to save some things for another post. And this is not that post. This morning I was still pretty pumped about yesterday. Though by the end of youth group I was fighting to stay awake and everyone at the table noticed.

Well everyone left the house so I decided to get up and just walk around some. ..I ended up doing dishes. Than I decided I should pick up my room the rest of the way. I packed some of my books away and decided to put the index cards on top of the recipe box. As I was sitting on my floor I realized that I already have half my stuff packed and that it would take me less than an hour to pack the rest. That is sad. No joke!

Everyone came walking in the door at the same time. Stephen said to come eat so I did. Taco Bell.. ...yum.

I decided to come back to my room. Cady joined me for most of the day. She even got under the blanket layed right next to me and we cuddled and tried taking a nap. We ended up watching movies all day.

I was so tired today. My attitude was not good. And blah blah.

Tomorrow I have no clue what I am going to do. Maybe I will crack open my Bible.. ..maybe I will read some more of my book.. ...maybe I will work on shapes and colors - they all look the same - ......or maybe.. ...I will travel to a far land and fight the mighty beast that lives there.. ...but I can only do what I feel I have the spoons to do.. ..so maybe I will just meditate and pray all day. Adventure is out there. ....I just have to find it .

Taco Bell

I have good news and I have bad news. Bad news is I burnt my tongue on the jalopenio chili. Good news is I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by not paying it. OK, so I stopped paying it a long time ago and I did not save any money today at all. Lol. But I could not resist trying to put the geico or whoever it is catch phrase on my blog post with a twist of course.

I am sitting in the mud room writing this post.
I got home and everyone or I think everyone is in their room.. ..and in my room you can hear a lot from almost any part of the house. So I am in the mud room thinking about grabbing my head phone, putting on some music and finishing this post before I go to bed.
I slept pretty well last night ....though I thought I would never get out of bed. I was so tired. Last night was pretty good.
I got up and Cady came right to me. She wanted out so I let her out figuring I could finish getting ready and them let her back in. After a bit I did not hear any barking so I checked on her.. ..she was sitting on the porch. I let her in thinking she did not want to get wet. It was a good thing I did to because not to long after there was a black lab in the yard across the alley.
McGuire text me setting she was going to be a bit late. I was going to eat a piece of toast or some cereal but I forgot.. no joke. Sara got here and I walked out thinking the getting was just wet.. ...no. ...it was complete ice. I had no problem till I got to the back of the SUV. My cane went and I bout went to. I made it to her car. We almost slid through the stop sign at the end of the block. We got to the college and slid right past our turn. It was crazy. We got on the highway and it seemed like car after car was sliding off the road. There was this yellow car that was faced the wrong way going the right way.. .it was trying to get control but failed.. ..it spun out and bout crossed to our side. On down the road there was this truck that spun out taking two signs with it. We got to the hallsville turn and the road were much better.
I had told Sara that she should not worry bout her phone While driving on ice.. .she said i only do it for you because I love you.. .I told her that now I get what people mean when they say they love you to death and I told her thanks it means a lot. Though I had told her earlier that death did not scare me.
We finally made it to the church. I was dropped off at the front door. I walked up and Bert was out and greeted me.. ..than Mark was holding the door for me. He said do not fall now that would be bad.. ..I agreed.

I went back and helped set up for stuff.. ..Sara did not like this much at all.. .it was funny. Samantha was one of the trek time helpers and she kept asking me questions.. ..trying to make them yes no ones which mostly worked. W finished and went to get donuts.. ..I ate two and if I would not have I would have not made it beyond that point. I was weak. We went in and got our group. 3year olds.. ..Sara told me she would understand if I did not want to hang around.. .I said I should fit right in. By the end of church most the kids had come to like me.. ..even though they did not like that I was not speaking.

ugh. ...I am to tired to write anymore of this post.. ..so I shall continue in the morning.

I am now awake. I stayed up till 11 mostly at the kitchen table. It was hard shifting on the floor in tree mud room. I was not sure if Jess was home or not so I wanted to make sure. ...I had figured since Cady had not come to me or was not in the living room that Jess was home.
Before I went to bed Tennessee was under a tornado warning. We had gone from icy fog in the morning thunderstorms in the evening and then we were supposed to get snow in the early morning.
I am awake and my dreams last night were alright. It is cloudy and it seems that it rained good. I thought it was hailing last night.
OK so I left off. ...
At the end of morning church. The kids had a lot of fun. They made a creation mix snack.. ..loaded with sugar. I did not have any of it.we also made a creation bottle globe. And then we had two different activities. If you had not guessed the lesson was on the7 days of creation.
We finished cleaning up.. ..all the glitter. ...all the glitter.

We left church. And decided to go to taco Bell and than the library or coffee shop. At taco Bell we started talking about theological things.. ..and how children have such an impact. How they ask the hard questions. Than I remembered how I had done that.. .how I still do that. So I pulled up a conversation where I had asked those questions.. .the hard ones. We spent the next 3 hours talking about my questions. I stumped them on a few. And now they know where I am.

We left and went to the chili throw down. We went through the mild and medium chili tables. The medium table had one with jalepenoes. It burnt my tongue. There were a few chilis that I really liked. I did not eat a full bowl though.
While waiting in line and sitting at the table I had asked McGuire to tell me about the old me and college. Something I have been starting to ask people.

She told me that personality wise I am pretty much the same. I am more reserved.. .but that that was understandable. She said we had been roommates.. ..told me about the first night that we became friends. ...told me that I loved school that I wanted to work with youth. Said I had big dreams. Also told me that I love to sing....that I loved music in general. She told me that I always has this out look on life where I did not let anything bring me down.. .or something like that.

All the people that were there for the chili throwdown had left.. .and it was time for youth group. Which meaned that all the kids were arriving. A good amount of them hung out at my table. They were interested in why I could not speak. It is funny how some thought because I could not speak that I also could not hear. ...it is funny because I had sat there last Sunday and listened and responded as they talked. Some of them knew sign some of them knew the alphabet. They were eager to learn both.

The first part of the night was spent playing a type of Dodge ball game. Brooke asked me if I was going to play and I told her that I could not because my balance was not that great. Bailey wanted me to play bounce back with her but my coordination is bad to. I am A loser.

Bert came and say beside me. And me like Mark had that morning if I had had a good week. I shook my head yes. - Mark had told me last Sunday to have a good week. - He asked me if I was improving.. ..I told him a bit.
   We went back into the cafeteria and set down for the lesson. It was on the bags of trash that we have. Um.. ..the sin in our lives. And how Jesus died so that God can take that trash out of our lives and give us a new life. It made me think.

Of course this is stuff that I had been thinking about all day...God creation sin repentance.

I will finish this day in another post.
I need to do something with the day I have.

I do have one thing that needs to be said in this blog post and that is this:
I prayed before I went to bed. Something that Kurt had said in his lesson really made me think.
I know we all talk to others about our problems and that is mostly good. ...but he said how often do we really rely on God and live the way we are meant to? . ...I like to think that there is someone or something out there that could make a change in my life.. ..I may not be who I used to be.. ..but I do like to pray. And if there is a God and if I pray hard enough and try my best to be a good person until I figure out all this.. ..and even beyond that point. ..than eventually one of my prayers should be answered right? !

So I prayed before I went to bed. I prayed for Stephen and Ash and others. I do not pray for myself. I do not need anything. Sure I want stuff but that is nothing to ask God. ....the creator of all for.
Ya hello God I do not need anything but I want a burger and a shake and some ice cream.. ..
I wonder how many people basically pray to God like they are ordering McDonalds?
It is only fair since I am figuring things out that I pray for things that are needed. ..and not by me.

Maybe we should all spend time praying or mediating on the things we need or that others need. It makes sense.. ..life would not be a good adventure without the people that come into it.. ...therefore it is not all about us !

hope

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption winding in and winding out the shine of it has caught my eye and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated...

i went to be around 1045. i do not know if it was what was secretly on my mind or what but  i swear i could have crapped my pants in my sleep. no i was not thinking about crapping, lol. i had another freaking dream. i was in my room doing something and this black guy was over here for some reason. he was not supposed to be in the house but he was. there was screaming and i went to go help and he pulled out a knife and a gun and came after me.....that is when i woke up. i woke up at 1 on the dot, am that is. i was scared. i did not move for the longest time. i thought about crying, but did not. i thought about getting up and going and getting someone, anyone, but did not. i figured since i was in bed, and everyone else was a sleep and would not want to deal with the child part of me, that i would just go back to bed. so i did.
i woke up and watched the news with ash. i am really interested in this presidential debate thing. peopel do not understand that the presidency has been messed up for a long long time, so it does not matter who is in office by the end of their term, most likely they are going to be hated by most of the usa. i watched the express which turned out to be really good. than i did laundry and dishes and filled cadys water jug and i packed some. and then i have been watching dragon ball z. we had dinner which was good. i felt my tum doing a dance. and that has been my day.

i am moving back to st jo. at first it was hard. i did not understand, i thought i had done something wrong, i was scared. than i started to understand it. i had to talk through it. and after a few days it all sstarted to make sense, it all became easier. i started thinking of it like a really long visit, that soon i would be going home. i soon started becoming thankful for everything, EVERYTHING.
the first thing i had done was think about the bad things, and as days passed i started thinking about the things i could look forward to. the adventure that awaits me.

i love ash an stephen a lot. they are two of my heroes. they are amazing. i trust them.

hope. i think it is something that we forget we always have. we spend so much time looking and thinking about the bad things and what will happen if this does not happen, when we should be looking at the good things that are awaiting us. sure we cannot see them but we can be at peace witht he fact that something good is down the road for us.
i talked with bambam and she told me that when i was in the hospital that i did not havve much hope. but my friends gave me hope, they supported me, cheered me on, gave me a reason to have hope to make it thro.
we have our bad days we have our good days, but one thing i have found that helps me is that no matter what type of day it is i try my best to give some hope to anyone that needs it. it always makes me feel better. it helps me not be so stressed, worried, scared, but instead gives me hope, happiness, and most of all a smile.
it is a good habit to get into. we all know someone that could use a lil hope, and tho we feel like it is gone for us, there is no reason that we cannot give hope to someone else.

i want to challenge anyone who has read this blog post. my challenge is that for a whole week, anytime you feel over whelmed with stress, worry, sadness, or anything that drains you of hope, text a friend, call a friend, facebook someone, visit someone, and not just someone, but  a someone who is having a hard time, who seems down, who may just need a friend. spend 5-10mins talking with them, or make sure that you are really being there for that person. each day find a new person, and do the same thing, and make sure you follow up with the people from previous days.
it may seem like a lot but seriously it is not. you will be surprised how it changes your spirit, your attitude, your heart. you will find that hope lays in love and you find both those things in the worst part of any storm.

today

before today even began i was asleep, having very weird and dark dreams. lately my dreams have seemed so much like reality that it takes me most a day to tell whether they were real or not. it was a mangled mess last night, but let me tell you about it so you can see what i mean.

it was night time and i had just got done going through a store. the store was a dream itself bt not much i can remember. i got done and went out to the van full of girls. i hopped in the middle seat and we took off and started going down a street that is in my hometown. the driver was putting everyone in danger. there was screaming and everyone was freaking. i finally managed to put the e brake on and the car stopped. i hopped out to make sure everyone was alright and to take a breath of relief. the girl in the passengers seat in front made a comment to the lil girl i was holding saying look there is your mommys head. i glared at her and then looked at the lil girl i was holding and said do not listen to her your mommy is right here and as you can see i still have my head. i soon came to realize that most the girls in that van were mine. it went dark and next thing i know i am standing on the back porch with cady talking to someone. we went in an i went an sat on the loveseat. ash was getting ready to go somewhere and told jess to hand me something. jess said ok and then asked ash if she was going to give me a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug. jess said she is right there you can give her a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug she is not worth my time and as far as i am concerned she needs to be gone. jess laughed and looked back at me. i was in a bit of shock. it went dark again and i found myself looking down at my hand, there was blood all over it. i was confused. i know this is weird but my dream self thought there is no way i could have started my period yet. and then i looked around, there was blood all over the bath room. i was hurt. i walked out and someone hit me. i had not seen anyone else. i knew ash and stephen were in their room and who ever this was i did not want them getting to them. i felt something cold go into me and i looked down to see that i had been stabbed adn then it all made sense. i heard a loud noise and it sounded like it was in my dream but i woke up.

so i am going to skip ahead to this evening and then jump back to my day. it was so strange that i had had this dream esp after stephen told us about his dream. he dreamed he kept hearing noises in the house and that he was sure someone was in the house. then he heard someone being attacked and then two loud noises like gunshots. he said it seemed so real, that he had never had a dream like that.
maybe it is not strange. but i think it is since i am not on his meds. i wonder if we were both having the same dream just seeing different parts of it. if so, i will not lie, i am a bit freaked. i do not think i have ever heard of people having the same dream the same night outside of movies and shows. i hope that is all it is.

now back to the resst of this. i woke up and i decided that i was going to stay in bed. i was freaked and i was not sure if what i had dreamed was reality or not. i heard ash moving around, i had planned on getting up and eating with her. i was still trying to figure out if she had said that or not, and therefore i did not want to take the chance of walking out and ya. so i stayed in bed til 9 ish, i think. i got up, showereed and ate. i walked in to sit on the love seat and stephen just seemed mad. i sat down and thought about asking but did not. and then he spoke and i felt much better.
we watched a bit of tv. than ate. i finished off the cereal. i decided to get up and work on my writing somemore. so i did for a bit. then paint arrived and stephen went and painted and i did dishes. then ash got home. by this time i was back on the loveseat. that is where i stayed til dinner. dinner was good. i did not eat much but it was enough to satisfy me. after dinner we watched tv. now i am here writing this.

we watched greys anatomy and private practice. there were many aspects with both shows that i could relate too. esp the part with the Alzheimers disease. my granpa had that for a long time. i remember my granma saying stuff to me about how she would have to help dress him, help him do this or that, or how she would find him trying to go places or in the most random places. the show brought back memories that i had forgotten. i remember how he was. we would go to visit him and granma would have to explain to him who we were, who my dad was, and there would be times where we would have to leave because he thought we were lying to him. then it got to the point where he was not him anymore. the man i looked up to, the man i loved, he was not there anymore. the last time i saw him was in the hospital. we went to go visit him after getting out of foster care. he was so skinny and death was upon him. he could not speak and he could barely move. i walked in and being the oldest i went over to him. he smiled at me. granma asked him if he knew who i was and he nodded. he tried saying my name but could not. he raised his arm and wanted me to come to him. i did and he gave me a hug. i told him i loved him, hugged him and we left. i thought i would see him again, but the next time i saw that war hero was in a wooden box all dressed up. he was finally at peace.

anyways...

today was a good day. aside from the reality like dreams and the pain of some of the things i remembered, today was a good day. i spent most of the day with a smile on my face and or laughing. i was just happy. i remembered a lot of things today, which is good but most likely tomorrow when i wake those memories will be lost again. i would put them all in this post but there is so much i remember. i remembered some of college, some of the old me and god stuff, and there was other things, and it was a good. i did not tell anyone because i did not think anyone else would be excited like i was. i think part of why i was laughing was because of some of the things i remembered.
today was a good day. i was exhausted, and i was sore, and i had some other issues that were not good, but it did not damper my mood.
today was good. i got to spend time with some of the people i love and it made me happy. and all we did was watch tv, hardly even speaking. but it was good.

i would like  tomorrow to be just as good but who knows what tomorrow will bring. sunday will be good, i hope i get to go back to that church. sunday is also stephen and dustins birthdays. and ash said we celebrate those days. ok....so i double checked and i was wrong. i was sure tho i kept hearing stephen say it was 1/22 aw well. i am a goof. sorry. well it is my brothers birthday, my twin, and ironically the one i can almost always tell anything too. he will be 19.

anyways. off to bed i shall go. i am going to get up to spend the morning with ash. i think she misses me in the mornings but i could be wrong. i know that i have been horrible at not getting up.

paint

i was not sure what i thought about the yellow for the bathroom....and ash thought i did not like it, at first i did not, and then it dried. i think it looks good. i did not understand for the longest time how it made the room brighter. i do not understand the difference between white and yellow other than one was darker than the other. so is yellow brighter than white? well either way i like how the bathroom looks and what they did with it. it is much brighter in there.
today they are painting the other bathroom. i told stephen i fear for them, mainly because of the floor. so i told him that if they fall thro to let me know and i will be like alice.
the whole house has smelt like paint since yesterday and i guess i just got used to it. this morning i woke some and i could smell the paint, strongly. after i slept somemore, i woke up and let cady out, and i was thinking to myself, boy it would be bad if they kept both those doors closed.....i have seen them act silly, but well this could be interesting.

the last few days i have been debating over a choice that was mainly made already. i am at peace with whatever happens. i am still not sure what is going on in this aspect tho.

my brother got a puppy. i think it is a girl. it is mainly black and i think a pit. it is cute. i guess i was mistaken about where the pic i got was taken, because i kept asking how the other dogs, my and dads dog, got along with it. it took most the day before anyone gave me an answer. the pup is over at my sisters and my brother is going to move in with her...again. it will not work out well unless it is just them too. dad said he is going to fix the windows and the roof, and dead bolt the doors. i suggested getting a dog for the outside and putting fence up around the whole house with a no trespassing sign.

bambam and i have been talking just talking. she is a very interesting person, and tho we are so opposite in many ways, we share a lot in other ways.

i am excited about church, which is weird for me. i think one reason i like it is because i do not have to keep myself entertained, or have to worry about not bothering everyone else around me. this is one time where having my, as much as i hate saying it, mental defects is not a problem. in church that is. the other times that i went to church, i took my color book and colors, and i would always get these looks from all the older people. - are you serious? this is not the place for that. how rude. etc. - here i can go there and act a fool if i want and it is ok.

i have been sleeping a lot more than usual lately. there have been a few mornings where i was supposed to be up with ash and was not. i would either sleep through my alarm, my alarm would not go off, or i just was too tired. and i feel bad about it. this am i slept til 9, and i did not get up for a bit and then go back to bed, i slept for the most part til then. the last few nights i have been getting tangled in my blankets.

the night before last i had dreams where i was sure they were real. yesterday i was sitting on the loveseat and i was trying to figure out when something had happened, and then i finally decided that it had to be part of my dream. last night i had a dream based on dragon ball z. there was also snow. and then every dream it seems that i say something, and someone asks what did you say, and i think while i a aslee i was did not say anything, i had not said anything.

piglet and i tried chatting with video last night...it did not work out so well. so we are going to try again tonight. i think. she was trying to finish the book we had started. we got a bit through it, but i kept missing out on parts. i got it to where my head phones will work on my laptop, well that is for now. i cannot hear well my typing or some other stuff through these head phones, but i do not have the volume very loud.

i am almost through with dragonball z. i love this show. it is all about honor and perseverance. the fight between good and evil, and how it does not matter how small or big, young or old you are that you can make a difference!

i think today i am going to try an finish it, maybe read some of my book. tho i do love when others read to me, well i like to see what is being read also, it helps me get more into it, than just me alone reading. but i do like the books we are reading. i may work on my letters some more, i am getting better at them. i work for a bit every night before i go to bed. then i may finish reorganizing my room.

life - ......

life sucks. it throws curve balls. ones that hit you so hard that the real hurt does not even begin for days. it breaks hearts, destroys lives, tears apart relationships, and leaves you hanging by a thread, a very thin one.

that is what i feel like it is doing. i feel i am losing friends, and taht no matter  how hard i fight for them, they seem to be disappearing and the link that connects the friendship is weakening.

struggling is all that seems to be going on anymore. struggling to stay happy, struggling to live economicall, struggling just to get through every moment of everyday. and i know i am not the only one that can say this is true.

i wish i could stop the struggling, stop the curve balls, and strengthen the chain link. i wish i could take problems and make them disappear. i wish i could help bring back happiness and joy. i try. i fight everyday to make this happen.

if i could say anything to those that are struggling and them hear me, i would tell them i love them, tell them i am not mad, tell them that i understand, i would tell them i want to help, i would tell them how amazing they are, how they make my day, how they give me strength.

sometimes i feel like if i said anything tho, it would just make things worse. so i keep to myself, looking at talking to bothering no one.

i can only be who i am, nothing more, nothing less. life makes us who we are. we can change things and we can change who life makes us, but we cannot change life.

life is an adventure. whether good or bad, it makes no difference, how we deal with the ups and downs, and treat the ones around us during those times, is how we are molded into who we are.

Church

yesterday i went to church with shortie. the last few churches i had been too had been boring and i did not understand stuff. so i thought i would give another church a try. so shortie (amanda) and i both brought it up and asked to go together. she picked me up at 720ish, i had not slept hardly at all the night before, and what sleep i did get i was dreaming the whole time and it wore me out.
on the way to church the sky was amazing. it was um purple and pink. just wonderful! we got to church and shortie parked right over the ice. so when i got out i got out on ice. we walked a long way to the church, which is in a school, how cool is that?! shortie introduced me to kelly and others that were there. then we started setting up. we walked a lot and i stood a lot. when i had got up and around before she picked me up, my legs were killing me. they seemed fine while we were setting up. shortie and i walked back into the gym and we saw mcguire so i went up and surprised her. i think she expected it to be shortie, but it was me instead. lol. she was happy. things were getting set up and people were arriving. the pastor Mark walked in, and i knew him. he is a real nice guy. he knew who i was and greeted me. it was nice.
usually around large groups and esp churches or places i am scared but that was not the case here. i felt awesome.
we got set up and shortie gave me an apron and church was starting. we were back with the kids which was good. i stood most of the time...at first i was trying to go up and down with everyone else but could not keep it up. there was a lot of music nd dancing, no i did not dance or sing. i thought it was awesome when the music went down and you heard all the children singing, it was amazing. we split into groups. shortie told me to stick with her so i did. we got our group and sat down. one of the kids asked, who is he?, referring to me...and shortie was like this is my friend brittany, she cannot talk. all the kids then went to a phase of this is awesome, we must know more. so they started asking questions, and trying to sign. they spoke to me like they would each other, and one girl was like, i know some sign, i know how to sign cow, but i forgot how to do it. they were really interested.
we played a game and we had to build houses out of cards. well they got stumped and shortie was not around so i went an helped and it worked and then one of them messed it up. in the end shortie destroyed our house....what a jerk...lol. jk...it was her job. bt i think she enjoyed it a lil too much. they then played telephone game, but they had no phones.
we went back to singing and things. and then church was over. we picked up. there was this lady there named diona or something like that and she kept stepping in for me and speaking for me. she was awesome for doing that. i felt bad at first when i had to use my phone to talk to her but it turned out to be awesome.
i had a really fun time, and i am going back next sunday and the sunday after. i learned that there are 66 books of the bible 39 old 27 new. and that the bible makes me a mirror so that others may see jesus in me. i also learned the names of some of the books of the bible.
sara took me to meet kurt, so i could go to youth group. he was nice.

shortie and i left. the plan was to eat and then go to our own houses. we went to mcdonalds. - i was not sure about eating. i had been over run with nerves and my stomach was in knots. - i got a mcdouble and a water. we sat down to eat and shortie prayed over our food. a bunch of high schoolers came up to us an thanked us for praying in public. it was kinda awesome! i could not finish my food. we left and then shortie decided that she could put up with me for a bit longer so we went to her house. i picked covert affairs to watch, great show, and shortie slept thro most of it. i almost fell a sleep but apollo would not have it.

mcguire came an got me and we headed to church. we were sitting there in the parking lot waiting for someone to show up to let us in and there was this lady coming down the side walk jogging with her great dane. pure breed. he was huge! cady is big but he was BIG! someone arrived and they set up. brooke came in, and after about 10 mins of being around me, mcguire and i were talking, and brooke asks can she not talk.....we both said no. so mcguire asked me if i wanted her to tell people that when i was being introduced. i said sure. kids started coming in and my table became the popular one for every one. well church started and we had spaghetti...i ate a full plate of food. i then went with sara and the middle schoolers to play skizzim or something like that. it was interesting. we then went in to have our serious time. i sat at the back table with the pastors children.
the whole day bert adams kept coming up to me and asking me if i had been there before and he swore i had, i think he thought i was messing with him....but i was not. i kept shrugging i do not know. finally mcguire went and told him that i had had surgeries. he came over and sat right next to me. he told me how he had had a tumor and  i felt his scar. we talked for a bit and it was good just to talk. and he took a piece of paper and wrote i am glad you are here. i said me too.
it was funny how that had happened, as soon as he got up kurt started talking about scars. one thing he said is never let people make you feel or think you are worthless. i swear if i was a cartoon my jaw would hve dropped like it does on cartoons. what he had just said, the story about the lame man, i could relate. he said never let anyone make you feel or think you are worthless because of your wound, or something like that. - ever since the whole st jo thing, i had been feeling that way and because of the way things were going on around me, and the way people had been acting towards me all up to this point made me feel and think i was worthless because of my wounds, my scars. - talk time came. i sat there and made mustaches and unibrows and beards and funny noses with the lil girls. they started talking to me. one of them asked me for my pen, and i took it and pretended i had ate it. they thought i really had ate it. it was great. the oldest one is like i am going to find it and when i do...i am going to find it. talk time ended and church was over. laura came over and sat down and the oldest is like, i am going to dress you like a man!. it was hillarious. brook came up and asked me if i was going to come back and i said yes. everyone cleaned up and we left.

we dropped chelsae off and went to shorties. who had invited us over. val answered the door all confused as why i was there. i went and knocked on shorties door and went in. we decided to go somewhere. we went to mcdonalds. my phone had died right before youth group had started. so we were sitting there being goofy, or they were, i was hiding! it was a fun night.

that day was good. church had seemed to have been the only time that i was not over run with nerves. i really had a great time there. nice people. i could understand the stuff they were teaching. i felt like i belonged.

i asked mcguire about baptism, she went on like it was an auction. really fast. so i got it some, but decided i would ask someone else. i asked stephen. at first i thought, he is ignoring me, but i did not blame him. and then he did a good job at explaining it. and i mostly got it. and then he asked me if i was thinking about being baptized. i said i was not sure, maybe.
thing is that when baptism came up, it rang a bell in my head that said, this means something to you. so i think before everything happened i was thinking about it.
at church i felt like i belonged there. and the whole time it felt like something was tugging at me. most of the time when i hear talk of church, bible, prayer, god, or are listening to christian music, i feel like all weird inside. warm is one way to say it. so i am told that all this was a part of who i was and is still a part of who i am, even if i do not see it. i am interested in learning about all this stuff. it makes me happy and smile.

that day, the day of church, was a very adventurous day and i was glad i got to be a part of it!

decisions

my day has been alright. not good not bad but alright. i had a dream last night that i was on this stage in this i guess church, i had ran up there and stopped someone from praying and asked if i could pray instead. they let me and i started praying over a lot of things. it was crazy. i woke up and decided to read a chapter of a book by one of my fav authors. the same author that piglet was reading to me from. my stomach has been roaring most of the day. i ate 3 raw hot dogs, well cady helped with each of them. at like 6 this morning she was staring at me again when i opened my eyes, and then she started growling at me. ash let me play the wii with her after stephen decided he was done playing. came so close to getting thro the castle and completing it. it frustrated the crap out of me. i was going to rearrange my room today but it is just something that i cannot do. i decided that i was going to take a nap with cady, that did not happen, i was going to go out an join everyone else but they seemed to be having fun so i decided to watch never back down. i am writing this early, posting it early because tomorrow i have church in the am.

decisions to make was my status for mainly the whole day, well to be honest the last week or two. i have had a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make, ones that still need to be made. some of these decisions, as i have read thro my blog, have been tormenting me for months, now that is sad.

one decision i have to make is about my blog. whether to keep it or not. i am getting tired of apologizing for what i feel and think. i am getting tired of being told that i am wrong, that i should be ashamed of the way i make others feel. i got an comment from someone last night that really gave me a mouthful, i deleted their comment and i was not sure who it was from, but still. so in turn i feel even worse for feeling or thinking the way i do.so if i stopped this blog i would start up another one that focused on one subject would only have my thoughts and feelings on that. it would no longer be my day, my struggles, my happy times, or anyone, it would be things like ice cream, the letter a, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater...and so on.

another decision i have to make is where will i be in the next month, two, or three. one thing that never leaves the back of my mind is will i even be alive in the next month, two or three. do not worry, i am not thinking of killing myself, but you know at any moment we could die. i am not so worried about it. going back to my dads in st jo would be hard, but i am fine with it if it comes to it. april is going to be a hard month, depending on what happens. i am not sure if i can stand those few weeks being there but, i will manage. i have too.


pt has been a thing i have been struggling with too. i have to decide on whether i am going to forget the physical stuff, and just allow my body to be what ever, or if i am going to try to find ways to improve. i have been focusing a lot on my writing and coloring and colors.

i have to decide on if i am going to continue on this talking thing. my throat hurts so much from it, and it is so hard to do. there are some words i can just say, and some that i work hard on an just cannot seem to get. maybe i need to work on saying letters and the different ways to say them.

and there are so many more decisions and things that i deal with on a daily basis, but they are not important.

i want to say this directly to someone and they will know who they are....if i say we are good, we are good, do not go around trying to hash something up that does not exist, cuz then we are not good. got it?!

if i have a problem with someone i will tell them. that is one thing i used to be so good at it seemed when i started this blog, being straight forward. i must have got soft or something, or i must have grew a heart.

life right now is uncertain, as almost always is. somedays are good, some are bad, some are ugly, some are light some are dark. some days i hurt, some days i cry, everyday i laugh, everyday i smile. my kid mentality makes this world so big and full of adventures, and i try to treat each day as a new one just waiting to be taken.