yesterday was a great day. ash was in a good mood, great mood. this morning we all got up and had breakfast together. it was great. the last 24 hours have been great. and tonight should be even better, at least i hope so. maybe stephen will say some more awkward hilarious stuff at the wrong moments.
things in the house are finally starting to turn around for everyone. life is starting to come together, and stress is being relieved. i am extremely happy for them all.
i am going to say it, there is a but....
before i go on, i want anyone that is reading this to know or to remember that i am defective in the brain.
there are things that i am struggling with, and this post is what is going on in my head. i am not sure when the last time was that i wrote a post like this, so here it goes.
i like to use my google + account to express myself or what i am feeling, every so often.
life is coming together for everyone but me it seems. infact, the life that i have started putting together for myself is soon going to be gone. i am not saying any of this to in anyway make anyone feel bad, this is me trying to figure things out, trying to understand, and trying to be okay with everything.
in less than two weeks i will be going back to st jo. the first night that it became a done deal i was so terrified that i was shaking so hard. it took me a few days to be ok with it. i have gone a whole week being at peace with it.
all the stress in the house, the different issues, i knew that once i left that part of that stress would die. i also know that pt is something, as much as i say i can do it on my own, that i know i need help with. that is the main reason for going to st jo.
i was sitting in my room organizing, packing away a few more things, and it hit me again, soon i will be back in st jo. fear started to break through the peace that i had. it would not be so bad if i knew i would be coming back here in a few months, but i know nothing of my future. i hardly know the people i am going to be staying with tho i do know that they are good people. i am leaving some of my best friends, the church i have started to grow to love, and the peace and safety that i have come to know. i am returning to a place where i hardly know anyone, where i have no friends like i do here, where i cannot bear to go to a church or really anywhere because once i am seen i mise well start digging my own grave, and where fear and danger will be all i will feel.
i have said it before, i will say it again, it does not matter where i am or who i am with in st jo, i will be in constant fear.
i have hope tho. i am excited about the whole pt thing, as weird as it sounds. i am excited that i can go see bubbles, elvis, and stardust at almost any time. i am going to miss being here, i am going to miss my friends, cady, as weird as it sounds my church, and the other things that make me feel warm inside.
jess said earlier today, see what happens when you keep praying to god. at lunch they were talking about how god brought us here for a reason back to moberly. god, purpose, praying....i almost feel as if since i am not a christian that things automatically go bad for you. but i pray....i am searching, searching for truth to who god is, what god means to me...and all that. i am having a hard time understanding why 1 god, saying that i believe in him, would let me come out of the hospital alive, 2 why he, given god is a man, would take me from a horrible place, bring me here, and then place me back in a town where it is not safe for me.
the last 6-8 months have been a journey. most of which i cannot remember. it has been full of changes, constant moving, and so much more. the time i have been here has been a break, a weird but good change from what i experienced my first week out of the hospital. i am grateful for what the jones have done for me. i will continue to look up to them. i will forever be eternally grateful.
i know most of this sounds pathetic, but i am trying hard to understand what is going on, adjust to the changes, and figure out my future. but i guess sometimes the best adventure is the one that is so uncertain, so full of surprises, and one that is unplanned.
things in the house are finally starting to turn around for everyone. life is starting to come together, and stress is being relieved. i am extremely happy for them all.
i am going to say it, there is a but....
before i go on, i want anyone that is reading this to know or to remember that i am defective in the brain.
there are things that i am struggling with, and this post is what is going on in my head. i am not sure when the last time was that i wrote a post like this, so here it goes.
i like to use my google + account to express myself or what i am feeling, every so often.
life is coming together for everyone but me it seems. infact, the life that i have started putting together for myself is soon going to be gone. i am not saying any of this to in anyway make anyone feel bad, this is me trying to figure things out, trying to understand, and trying to be okay with everything.
in less than two weeks i will be going back to st jo. the first night that it became a done deal i was so terrified that i was shaking so hard. it took me a few days to be ok with it. i have gone a whole week being at peace with it.
all the stress in the house, the different issues, i knew that once i left that part of that stress would die. i also know that pt is something, as much as i say i can do it on my own, that i know i need help with. that is the main reason for going to st jo.
i was sitting in my room organizing, packing away a few more things, and it hit me again, soon i will be back in st jo. fear started to break through the peace that i had. it would not be so bad if i knew i would be coming back here in a few months, but i know nothing of my future. i hardly know the people i am going to be staying with tho i do know that they are good people. i am leaving some of my best friends, the church i have started to grow to love, and the peace and safety that i have come to know. i am returning to a place where i hardly know anyone, where i have no friends like i do here, where i cannot bear to go to a church or really anywhere because once i am seen i mise well start digging my own grave, and where fear and danger will be all i will feel.
i have said it before, i will say it again, it does not matter where i am or who i am with in st jo, i will be in constant fear.
i have hope tho. i am excited about the whole pt thing, as weird as it sounds. i am excited that i can go see bubbles, elvis, and stardust at almost any time. i am going to miss being here, i am going to miss my friends, cady, as weird as it sounds my church, and the other things that make me feel warm inside.
jess said earlier today, see what happens when you keep praying to god. at lunch they were talking about how god brought us here for a reason back to moberly. god, purpose, praying....i almost feel as if since i am not a christian that things automatically go bad for you. but i pray....i am searching, searching for truth to who god is, what god means to me...and all that. i am having a hard time understanding why 1 god, saying that i believe in him, would let me come out of the hospital alive, 2 why he, given god is a man, would take me from a horrible place, bring me here, and then place me back in a town where it is not safe for me.
the last 6-8 months have been a journey. most of which i cannot remember. it has been full of changes, constant moving, and so much more. the time i have been here has been a break, a weird but good change from what i experienced my first week out of the hospital. i am grateful for what the jones have done for me. i will continue to look up to them. i will forever be eternally grateful.
i know most of this sounds pathetic, but i am trying hard to understand what is going on, adjust to the changes, and figure out my future. but i guess sometimes the best adventure is the one that is so uncertain, so full of surprises, and one that is unplanned.
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