scary faces, scary places, these things haunt me every night, every day, it seems to be something i cannot escape, no matter how hard i try.
i saw a scary face. it haunted my dreams all last night. i saw a scary face. it was a monster. a monster who was dead set on destroying me. it had a mouth sorta like one of the creatures from avp. it was the color of dark clouds. i could not escape it.
i saw a scary face today. i was wide awake. i saw a scary face today. this face was like yours or mine. i saw a scary face today. it kept staring me down. i saw a scary face today. not sure that they were staring at me i kept looking over every bit or so to see if it was still staring, an indeed it was. i saw a scary face today. one that i knew i knew tho not sure how. i saw a scary face today. and it got even scarier when i realized who it was. i saw a scary face today. one of a certain few that i hoped i would not see for months. i saw a scary face today, and i hope it is the last time i see it.
faces. we all have them. and we all usu use them. some of us have more than one, some just have the one an wear it well. i have 3 faces. my old one, which i hardly ever wear, the one i have now, an my future one, if there even be one.
sometimes i feel faceless....like red says, i feel hallow an faceless. i cannot find who i am, i am not myself, feel like someone else, can you save me from the nothing i have become....i mean i am sure that there are parts of the old me that people see. but you cannot define me by who i once was. it just does not work that way.
scary places. i do not go anywhere alone. if i am at the house someone is there with me or cady is there, if i go some where...there is someone i trust with my life there with me.
so....i am going to say this because it is far due an it is something that i cannot get out of my head. it is amazing! i am very thankful for ash an stephen, tho they have been scaring me a bit lately, they are awesome, an i love them with all my heart. they have both kept me going, kept me alive, an kept me from dying so many times. they are two people that i would not hesitate entrusting?? them with my life. no joke...period as period can get. i know that i am completely safe with them. ash was ready to take down carl taht night, whether she was kidding or not, i have just been in awe about it since. stephen, i think he is the same way. sometimes things are happening all around me, some that they do not even know about or realize at the time, an all i have to do is look at them, an all those things disappear.
everything seems so big when you are little. things for me still seem so big, an one day i will wake up and they will not be as big anymore.
i am thankful for my friends. most of them, are letting me grow at my own pace. not trying to rush me. i am below preschool level in a lot of aspects, esp writing an numbers an colors, etc. i can read most things. i may not understand it but i can read most things. i can do certain things around the house. and some things i am getting better at i think, which must mean my brain is getting better, right?! but my friends allow me to be the age i am in whatever aspect, and they do not complain....i know i do alot tho, an i bet part of it is for them.
today began a new year. it was a weird day. at first it was fine but then it got tense an i just felt weird. finally i had to just get up an hide for a bit.
i went to bed at 8 last night. i woke up at 1145pm....i heard ash an stephen, who i was sure went to bed, an i thought it was like 6-7 in the am...and they were being loud, woke me up, an i was ready to go chew them out, but i did not want to get out of bed. i was wondering why they were being so loud, an stuff, than i looked at my phone....what in the hell. i fell back to sleep. woke up at 203am. i was up. i got up an went potty. went an looked out the front window to see if it was snowing like my phone said it was. nope...nothing. so i was up til like 4 than i woke at 5 an stayed up for a bit then i woke at 7 and layed around for a bit. i got up after listening to ash voice for a bit. went in sat with her. watched some tv. then the morning turned tense. i almost opted out of being a part of it. just because i was stressed from how tense the house seemed.
ash mom an aunt got here an we went to santa fe. they seemed nice. i do not think they liked me that much. people who do not understand me or those who are thrown off by the face that i do not speak back when spoken too usu do not like me because i am not like them. sometimes it is useful. - tho the everyone here in the house are getting better with their letters in sign and they are even starting to understand signs in sign....it has gotten to the point where i will make a gesture an they will usu know what i mean. it is pretty awesome - we came back to the house an they opened gifts. ash is like what do you think of this baf, over an over, i am not one for jewerly, i have nothing pierced, except for my head, and i have no tatooes. they left an i watched some tv with ash an stephen an then i went an hid. i finally came back out after a bit. walked around - most the morning my legs were throbbing with pain, an at this point they were much better - the evening was spent texting kara, playing mario with ash an stephen, waiting for jess to get back from the store with ice cream an m&ms, which i will pay her for....prob when i get back to town......and doing the dishes.
i am staying up a bit, so i have the two towers in to help me with this. i think it might help me sleep til 5 if i stay up just a bit longer.
tomorrow kara is coming to get me. we are finally going to spend time together. i am a bit nervous but i am excited. an i have to decide how long i will be in st jo. i prob will cry when i have to leave bubbles. i would bring her with me but, i am not sure how it would go with cady an her. i asked ash the other day if we could get a pup since there are people here to help take care of it, an she said sure why not, which, i know what that means....but i could only hope. lol. i just have to keep telling myself it will not be long an i will be back in st jo with her for a bit...i am also excited to see stardust. my baby boy. he is almost a year old. i bet he is almost fully grown. .
i am excited to spend time with kara. and joey. maybe i will even see nicki in that time.
i am just taking a change of clothes for two days, my penguin, a pillow an a blanket. my cane of course. and possibly my wheelchair. she will be here sometime around 11.
it is a new year. i am going to work on taking my vitamins everyday, around the same time, doing both kinds of pt everyday...and a few other things.
but for now i am going to go to bed. i am tired. so....off to sleep.
i saw a scary face. it haunted my dreams all last night. i saw a scary face. it was a monster. a monster who was dead set on destroying me. it had a mouth sorta like one of the creatures from avp. it was the color of dark clouds. i could not escape it.
i saw a scary face today. i was wide awake. i saw a scary face today. this face was like yours or mine. i saw a scary face today. it kept staring me down. i saw a scary face today. not sure that they were staring at me i kept looking over every bit or so to see if it was still staring, an indeed it was. i saw a scary face today. one that i knew i knew tho not sure how. i saw a scary face today. and it got even scarier when i realized who it was. i saw a scary face today. one of a certain few that i hoped i would not see for months. i saw a scary face today, and i hope it is the last time i see it.
faces. we all have them. and we all usu use them. some of us have more than one, some just have the one an wear it well. i have 3 faces. my old one, which i hardly ever wear, the one i have now, an my future one, if there even be one.
sometimes i feel faceless....like red says, i feel hallow an faceless. i cannot find who i am, i am not myself, feel like someone else, can you save me from the nothing i have become....i mean i am sure that there are parts of the old me that people see. but you cannot define me by who i once was. it just does not work that way.
scary places. i do not go anywhere alone. if i am at the house someone is there with me or cady is there, if i go some where...there is someone i trust with my life there with me.
so....i am going to say this because it is far due an it is something that i cannot get out of my head. it is amazing! i am very thankful for ash an stephen, tho they have been scaring me a bit lately, they are awesome, an i love them with all my heart. they have both kept me going, kept me alive, an kept me from dying so many times. they are two people that i would not hesitate entrusting?? them with my life. no joke...period as period can get. i know that i am completely safe with them. ash was ready to take down carl taht night, whether she was kidding or not, i have just been in awe about it since. stephen, i think he is the same way. sometimes things are happening all around me, some that they do not even know about or realize at the time, an all i have to do is look at them, an all those things disappear.
everything seems so big when you are little. things for me still seem so big, an one day i will wake up and they will not be as big anymore.
i am thankful for my friends. most of them, are letting me grow at my own pace. not trying to rush me. i am below preschool level in a lot of aspects, esp writing an numbers an colors, etc. i can read most things. i may not understand it but i can read most things. i can do certain things around the house. and some things i am getting better at i think, which must mean my brain is getting better, right?! but my friends allow me to be the age i am in whatever aspect, and they do not complain....i know i do alot tho, an i bet part of it is for them.
today began a new year. it was a weird day. at first it was fine but then it got tense an i just felt weird. finally i had to just get up an hide for a bit.
i went to bed at 8 last night. i woke up at 1145pm....i heard ash an stephen, who i was sure went to bed, an i thought it was like 6-7 in the am...and they were being loud, woke me up, an i was ready to go chew them out, but i did not want to get out of bed. i was wondering why they were being so loud, an stuff, than i looked at my phone....what in the hell. i fell back to sleep. woke up at 203am. i was up. i got up an went potty. went an looked out the front window to see if it was snowing like my phone said it was. nope...nothing. so i was up til like 4 than i woke at 5 an stayed up for a bit then i woke at 7 and layed around for a bit. i got up after listening to ash voice for a bit. went in sat with her. watched some tv. then the morning turned tense. i almost opted out of being a part of it. just because i was stressed from how tense the house seemed.
ash mom an aunt got here an we went to santa fe. they seemed nice. i do not think they liked me that much. people who do not understand me or those who are thrown off by the face that i do not speak back when spoken too usu do not like me because i am not like them. sometimes it is useful. - tho the everyone here in the house are getting better with their letters in sign and they are even starting to understand signs in sign....it has gotten to the point where i will make a gesture an they will usu know what i mean. it is pretty awesome - we came back to the house an they opened gifts. ash is like what do you think of this baf, over an over, i am not one for jewerly, i have nothing pierced, except for my head, and i have no tatooes. they left an i watched some tv with ash an stephen an then i went an hid. i finally came back out after a bit. walked around - most the morning my legs were throbbing with pain, an at this point they were much better - the evening was spent texting kara, playing mario with ash an stephen, waiting for jess to get back from the store with ice cream an m&ms, which i will pay her for....prob when i get back to town......and doing the dishes.
i am staying up a bit, so i have the two towers in to help me with this. i think it might help me sleep til 5 if i stay up just a bit longer.
tomorrow kara is coming to get me. we are finally going to spend time together. i am a bit nervous but i am excited. an i have to decide how long i will be in st jo. i prob will cry when i have to leave bubbles. i would bring her with me but, i am not sure how it would go with cady an her. i asked ash the other day if we could get a pup since there are people here to help take care of it, an she said sure why not, which, i know what that means....but i could only hope. lol. i just have to keep telling myself it will not be long an i will be back in st jo with her for a bit...i am also excited to see stardust. my baby boy. he is almost a year old. i bet he is almost fully grown. .
i am excited to spend time with kara. and joey. maybe i will even see nicki in that time.
i am just taking a change of clothes for two days, my penguin, a pillow an a blanket. my cane of course. and possibly my wheelchair. she will be here sometime around 11.
it is a new year. i am going to work on taking my vitamins everyday, around the same time, doing both kinds of pt everyday...and a few other things.
but for now i am going to go to bed. i am tired. so....off to sleep.
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