so yesterday i did not finish my blog because one it was already really long, two probably repeated a lot of things over an over, and 3, i seriously thought i was going to puke, so i ended it.
yesterday after talking with stephen a bit we both decided that a blog post might do us both some good. well i should have waited to write it til today. than it would prob have still been as long but more organized an today i do not feel like i have to puke every few minutes.
i felt so horrible yesterday, it was worse than all the other days. i could not walk straight, my ears needed to pop all the time, my head was full of pressure, i was dizzy, throbbed with pain in my stomach an my head, i was shaking so bad, i was for sure that i was going to puke, passout, and fall quite a few times. luckly the only thing i did was stay off my normal balance most of the day. i even went into the bathroom several times an just sit next to the toilet waiting to puke. i went from starving an being so hungry to i cannot eat.
i felt so bad that i kept texting piglet back an forth o i think i can come over, o no my body hates me i cannot come over, i finally said my body is bipolar an i am going to come over anyways an spend time with you. well that an jasi convinced me to do so!
so yesterday after eating most of what i got from taco bell, i talked with jasi for a bit an she helped me realize some things, and she also convinced me to go visit my friend for a bit. so i texted her an told her i was going to come over when ever she could come get me. so i was expecting it would be in the next hour or two. well ash got home and i was sitting in the kitchen not sure if iwas going to puke or not. her an stephen sat in the living room for a bit an then i asked to go in.
- i have felt really weird since i have been back and i have been staying out of the way, thinking i was making things easier. but i soon realized with help that i was only making things harder. -
they said i could. we sat there an watched fish hooks for a bit until stephen realized it was not spongebob and then i turned it. we watched the final episode of wizards or waverly place. i am sad to see the show go, but all good things must end to make room for crappy shows.
i sat on the couch for a bit as stephen an ash went to make food. i then felt horrible and text piglet saying i was going to lay on the couch an she could wake me up when she got here. dinner came an i was not going to eat. i had about fallen asleep on teh couch quite a few times. i decided taht even tho i did not feel well, that i did not want to eat, that i was tired as hell, taht i was going to go and sit at the table with every one just to be around them. i am sure i fell asleep a few times at the table but the conversations were hilarious. i was not laughing tho because i was too busy trying to fight staying awake while trying to fight going to sleep. after everyone was done eating stephen looked at me an said are you sure you are going to be able to go to piglets, i shook my head no. or i think he asked that, it was something like that. i got up an went an did something...ash is like you need to go to bed. i wanted too, but i was not going to pass up my time with piglet. i was walking back into the dining room and i about fell into the wall. i had to grab the door frame to stop from falling. i finally just sat at the table in teh kitchen and waited there for piglet. everyone else went to their room.
after about an hour i was readdy to go to bed an was about to head ther when piglet showed up. i let her in and she wrote down some stuff and then we left.
we got to her house and her dad an brother were there. i turn around and there is shortie. i sit on the floor an petted the dogs. the pup was scared of me at first, and when they had first got her she had fallen in love with me, i finally moved to the couch and shortie was freezing so i wrapped my arms around her and warmed her. i was not cold but she was shivering. she started reading yesterdays blog post. piglet an everyone else were packing. the pup warmed up to me. natalie walked in and sat well for a bit on my lap a bit. i showed her how to play one of the games and i helped her out.
shortie finished reading my blog post and then took my arm and cuddled with it. she started talking to me. at that moment i felt every care in the world disappear. i had not felt like that for a long time. and it was strange because there had come times with piglet an ash that i was close to what i was feeling, and there were times that shortie and i had cuddled, but for some reason this time was different. i like cuddling and i would do it a lot more, except no one wants to cuddle....except cady, and she also wants to slobber all over my face. lol. i think at that moment that i was getting exactly what i needed. and all shortie was doing was cuddling with my arm and talking to me, reassuring me of stuff.
sometimes i try to be the grown up that everyone sees in me. and i will say all the time i just need to grow up....but truth is, i need to let me be who i am no matter what age that is. and i need to be okay with it.
i think shortie knew that i was a scared lil kid trying to understand everything that was going on, and when a lil kid is scared you hold them an you reassure them. maybe i need more of that.
shortie and natalie left and carl had got home. coco started freaking out about it. she wet herself. reminded me of bubbles. the pup had been laying by my legs her head on my feet. it was funny, she was going home with eric piglets dad but when he tried to get her to go to him or went near her she ran and jumped up on the couch with me. there were a few times i had both dogs up there with me. i think they thought of me as someone who would protect them and that made me feel good.
esp since the last few days i had felt like a failure, like i was putting everyone else in danger, and that i could not protect anyone including myself.
finally piglet came an sat down. we visited for a bit. then she took me home. she did not walk me to the door like she usually did, we hugged and i told her i love her.
i went to go inside and i could not get the screen door open and i knew that i had not locked it. i text jess and asked her to come let me in. she did. she said the screen door was not locked....i had never had trouble with it. cady was happy to see me....tried running me over a few times. i was so tired that i fell a sleep on the couch. then i woke up to ash moving around. i thought i had set my alarm but had not. i felt horrible. i sat on the couch the whole time. even turned it to the news for ash. she left and cady an i moved to the love seat. i was not planning on falling back a sleep. cady got between me and the couch and i fell asleep. i kept getting those shakes that i had had the day before. they kept waking me. i thought yesterday and this morning that i was going to have a seizure at any moment. i had warned piglet before hand taht i may pass out or have a seizure and she said it would be nothing new in her life.
i do not mind falling in front of people, tho i do not want too, i would rather fall than have a seizure or pass out in front of people esp my friends. i do not want them freaking out. i pass out leave me where i am , or move me out of the way, i have a seizure....leave me be i will be fine.
i heard movement an cady kept popping her head up, stephen was awake. i layed on the loveseat for the longest time. i felt much better today, but i am still tired. i mean i still have stomach pain and my head is still hurting, but both are not as bad as they were yesterday.
i spent most of the day talkign with stephen, watching him clean his room, and talking with bambam. bambam an i talked a long time. i am thankful for her. there was one point where she had said something and i was pissed....i think i was more hurt by it than anything, but i got over it. i love talking with bambam cuz most the time when we talk we talk. it is a conversation. i may write her a book but she writes one back. and we work thro stuff this way. which helps me a lot. she said i can come live with her. and that i do not have to be normal because she herself is weird. it is true. i think it would be cool to go live with bambam for a bit. stephen keeps talking about moving to seattle and oklahoma and i would love to do both.
bambam is bambam because she conquers? a lot of things and makes the bad go away. she is good at beating stuff up. she is my bambam because she always helps me bam the tough stuff.
this last week had been hard an i had no idea how to deal with it, so i dealt with it the only way i knew how to, and that and other factors mad things here a lot more stressful. well today i changed that. and i am going to start changing other things too.
i spent the rest of the day running around the store with everyone. there were a few things we forgot, like tape, toothpaste, gloves, batteries, an dog food. so stephen an i are going to have to go back to the store in the morning.
dinner was entertaining, as usu. now i am getting ready to go to bed. i am trying to convince shortie an mcguire to come over sometime this week. hopefully they will both start coming over a lot more. hopefully sometime soon i am going to get to skype with bambam and debbie cockram and piglet.
any ways. this baf is tired, relieved, almost not sick any more, and ready to start working on getting myself back to decent normalcy.
i am not strong enough to do any of this on my own. i try, and i fail. i am thankful for those that remind me of this very thing. i cannot move forward on my own, i have to have the strength of others to help me get where i am going.
yesterday after talking with stephen a bit we both decided that a blog post might do us both some good. well i should have waited to write it til today. than it would prob have still been as long but more organized an today i do not feel like i have to puke every few minutes.
i felt so horrible yesterday, it was worse than all the other days. i could not walk straight, my ears needed to pop all the time, my head was full of pressure, i was dizzy, throbbed with pain in my stomach an my head, i was shaking so bad, i was for sure that i was going to puke, passout, and fall quite a few times. luckly the only thing i did was stay off my normal balance most of the day. i even went into the bathroom several times an just sit next to the toilet waiting to puke. i went from starving an being so hungry to i cannot eat.
i felt so bad that i kept texting piglet back an forth o i think i can come over, o no my body hates me i cannot come over, i finally said my body is bipolar an i am going to come over anyways an spend time with you. well that an jasi convinced me to do so!
so yesterday after eating most of what i got from taco bell, i talked with jasi for a bit an she helped me realize some things, and she also convinced me to go visit my friend for a bit. so i texted her an told her i was going to come over when ever she could come get me. so i was expecting it would be in the next hour or two. well ash got home and i was sitting in the kitchen not sure if iwas going to puke or not. her an stephen sat in the living room for a bit an then i asked to go in.
- i have felt really weird since i have been back and i have been staying out of the way, thinking i was making things easier. but i soon realized with help that i was only making things harder. -
they said i could. we sat there an watched fish hooks for a bit until stephen realized it was not spongebob and then i turned it. we watched the final episode of wizards or waverly place. i am sad to see the show go, but all good things must end to make room for crappy shows.
i sat on the couch for a bit as stephen an ash went to make food. i then felt horrible and text piglet saying i was going to lay on the couch an she could wake me up when she got here. dinner came an i was not going to eat. i had about fallen asleep on teh couch quite a few times. i decided taht even tho i did not feel well, that i did not want to eat, that i was tired as hell, taht i was going to go and sit at the table with every one just to be around them. i am sure i fell asleep a few times at the table but the conversations were hilarious. i was not laughing tho because i was too busy trying to fight staying awake while trying to fight going to sleep. after everyone was done eating stephen looked at me an said are you sure you are going to be able to go to piglets, i shook my head no. or i think he asked that, it was something like that. i got up an went an did something...ash is like you need to go to bed. i wanted too, but i was not going to pass up my time with piglet. i was walking back into the dining room and i about fell into the wall. i had to grab the door frame to stop from falling. i finally just sat at the table in teh kitchen and waited there for piglet. everyone else went to their room.
after about an hour i was readdy to go to bed an was about to head ther when piglet showed up. i let her in and she wrote down some stuff and then we left.
we got to her house and her dad an brother were there. i turn around and there is shortie. i sit on the floor an petted the dogs. the pup was scared of me at first, and when they had first got her she had fallen in love with me, i finally moved to the couch and shortie was freezing so i wrapped my arms around her and warmed her. i was not cold but she was shivering. she started reading yesterdays blog post. piglet an everyone else were packing. the pup warmed up to me. natalie walked in and sat well for a bit on my lap a bit. i showed her how to play one of the games and i helped her out.
shortie finished reading my blog post and then took my arm and cuddled with it. she started talking to me. at that moment i felt every care in the world disappear. i had not felt like that for a long time. and it was strange because there had come times with piglet an ash that i was close to what i was feeling, and there were times that shortie and i had cuddled, but for some reason this time was different. i like cuddling and i would do it a lot more, except no one wants to cuddle....except cady, and she also wants to slobber all over my face. lol. i think at that moment that i was getting exactly what i needed. and all shortie was doing was cuddling with my arm and talking to me, reassuring me of stuff.
sometimes i try to be the grown up that everyone sees in me. and i will say all the time i just need to grow up....but truth is, i need to let me be who i am no matter what age that is. and i need to be okay with it.
i think shortie knew that i was a scared lil kid trying to understand everything that was going on, and when a lil kid is scared you hold them an you reassure them. maybe i need more of that.
shortie and natalie left and carl had got home. coco started freaking out about it. she wet herself. reminded me of bubbles. the pup had been laying by my legs her head on my feet. it was funny, she was going home with eric piglets dad but when he tried to get her to go to him or went near her she ran and jumped up on the couch with me. there were a few times i had both dogs up there with me. i think they thought of me as someone who would protect them and that made me feel good.
esp since the last few days i had felt like a failure, like i was putting everyone else in danger, and that i could not protect anyone including myself.
finally piglet came an sat down. we visited for a bit. then she took me home. she did not walk me to the door like she usually did, we hugged and i told her i love her.
i went to go inside and i could not get the screen door open and i knew that i had not locked it. i text jess and asked her to come let me in. she did. she said the screen door was not locked....i had never had trouble with it. cady was happy to see me....tried running me over a few times. i was so tired that i fell a sleep on the couch. then i woke up to ash moving around. i thought i had set my alarm but had not. i felt horrible. i sat on the couch the whole time. even turned it to the news for ash. she left and cady an i moved to the love seat. i was not planning on falling back a sleep. cady got between me and the couch and i fell asleep. i kept getting those shakes that i had had the day before. they kept waking me. i thought yesterday and this morning that i was going to have a seizure at any moment. i had warned piglet before hand taht i may pass out or have a seizure and she said it would be nothing new in her life.
i do not mind falling in front of people, tho i do not want too, i would rather fall than have a seizure or pass out in front of people esp my friends. i do not want them freaking out. i pass out leave me where i am , or move me out of the way, i have a seizure....leave me be i will be fine.
i heard movement an cady kept popping her head up, stephen was awake. i layed on the loveseat for the longest time. i felt much better today, but i am still tired. i mean i still have stomach pain and my head is still hurting, but both are not as bad as they were yesterday.
i spent most of the day talkign with stephen, watching him clean his room, and talking with bambam. bambam an i talked a long time. i am thankful for her. there was one point where she had said something and i was pissed....i think i was more hurt by it than anything, but i got over it. i love talking with bambam cuz most the time when we talk we talk. it is a conversation. i may write her a book but she writes one back. and we work thro stuff this way. which helps me a lot. she said i can come live with her. and that i do not have to be normal because she herself is weird. it is true. i think it would be cool to go live with bambam for a bit. stephen keeps talking about moving to seattle and oklahoma and i would love to do both.
bambam is bambam because she conquers? a lot of things and makes the bad go away. she is good at beating stuff up. she is my bambam because she always helps me bam the tough stuff.
this last week had been hard an i had no idea how to deal with it, so i dealt with it the only way i knew how to, and that and other factors mad things here a lot more stressful. well today i changed that. and i am going to start changing other things too.
i spent the rest of the day running around the store with everyone. there were a few things we forgot, like tape, toothpaste, gloves, batteries, an dog food. so stephen an i are going to have to go back to the store in the morning.
dinner was entertaining, as usu. now i am getting ready to go to bed. i am trying to convince shortie an mcguire to come over sometime this week. hopefully they will both start coming over a lot more. hopefully sometime soon i am going to get to skype with bambam and debbie cockram and piglet.
any ways. this baf is tired, relieved, almost not sick any more, and ready to start working on getting myself back to decent normalcy.
i am not strong enough to do any of this on my own. i try, and i fail. i am thankful for those that remind me of this very thing. i cannot move forward on my own, i have to have the strength of others to help me get where i am going.
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