yesterday morning i got up with ash and ate breakfast with her. i then went back to sleep for a bit, i think, i do not really remember. i know tho that stephen text me and asked me if i wanted to start on working on pt an other stuff an i said sure. .... well taht did not happen. the day started good and then it went to bad, but i made a choice that i was not going to let it affect my attitude. i will not go into details about anything because it is not my business to tell but things around here have been rocky.
well then that morning i thought it would be a good idea to use facebook as a tool to help a friend stop smoking. i was assuming their roll and instead of helping it made things worse an i had people convinced that i was a smoker. i do not think i have smoked a day in my life. with the crap taht i went thro and the way my health is there is no way i would even start. i think my next thing that i will try to convince people of on facebook is that i am black. no joke.
than stephen ran away an hid....i thought about getting onto him about it, but i decided that i would be nice. he hid an jess ran away, i think there is something wrong with me. even cady wanted nothing to do with me. well i decided that i would work on some sort of pt myself. so i picked up the coloring book that i had got with kara and nicki and i grabbed my new huge box of crayons, and i sat o n the loveseat and decided that i wanted to make stephen an ash smile even tho they were not having a good day. i picked superman an wonderwoman and i decided to hold the crayons a different way an color with one hand, the hand was not my left hand. it was HARD! it took me a few hours to color the pictures but i did it. i gave them too them and ash kept on asking me if i was sure that jess had not colored them....i just worked my ass off on those, really?! stephen said he was proud an that he was going to frame them an hang them up, which i doubt, but we will see.
i ate some ice cream and m an ms.
stephen an ash left, and i got sad. so cady an i went an layed on the pallet i made on my floor. they got back and told me i stunk and had to take a shower, or i had to go stay out on the porch....no joke...ok...it is a joke. i took a shower and then layed on the loveseat and hung out with every one. we watched pan am, once upon a time - which was awesome, the only thing i did not like (okay i love suspense) is when they show something big happen and a choice that has to be made and cut to commercial, i went balistic, but it was a good episode - and rizzoli an isles - it was a repeat episode but it was a good one. what is funny is i have gotten everyone in this house hooked on a few different things, i have a influence here, and it is funny to watch.
i made ash toast an i made 2 pieces for myself an a sanwhich. i was in a really good mood, and jess said i was dancing.......ummmm ok...so i could not help it, i was in a really good mood.
i did dishes and over all i had said yes an no a few times that day. i went to bed.
this morn there was no need for an alarm. but i was up at 5. then 6 then 7 and then 8. i had some weird dreams. one dream i took stephen an ash's suv for a drive and i sucked, it was funny to see the reactions of everyone inside an out side of the car. then i was being chased by something. then i had a dream where me an this older couple, i knew them, went to this ice arena, and we kept going up to get on this ride where you stood and slid down...so you walked up basically to do the same thing down....i got off when i realized it, and went outside to go home...the older couple came over and the lady decided that i did not need my cane because seh was going to help me to the car....a suv...and i was like this is not a good idea, and she said it w ould be fine...well we started and she was not good support and i fell....i got up only to get hit by a car. then i had a dream with these two lil girls i know i knew...and i was disciplining them and they were on these huge slides and i went down one of the slides only to disappear. the night before i had a dream about being in a tornado, and then i was in the hospital hallway on a gernie and kara was there with me sitting next to me holding my hand.... so all these dreams has me thinking i am in for something bad soon. it is crazy.
so i got up and went to the living room an ash an stephen were sitting on the love seat....i sent them a text - so here is the scoop, yes this is a rabbit trail or tail or whatever, i decided i was going to work on talking, and i have a word everyday to say, but i am so used to not speaking that i just automatically do not. well my word for today was good, which has not come out even close to that, and besides trying to say it i have not said one word today at all to anyone, o wait yes i did, and so bambam gives me a word of the day an i am to say it, now there is a goal to this too - i sent them a text asking them to help me by saying whatever the word is often so i can hear it an try to get it, and to also tell me to use my words instead of not.
they got up an started painting, so i went an watched a movie or finished it. well that is what i spent most of the day doing is watching movies, and watching them paint, while getting drowned in teh smell that the paint was giving off.
evening came an shortie text me to hang out. i was excited. we went out for dinner an i met her friend matt. he is cool. it was very entertaining and i tried the burrito santa fe..next tiem i will try the chicken. then we left an came home, and ash stephen an jess had spaghetti, my fav, without me, it was sad. i was sad. ah well there is left overs. we played uno an mcguire showed up. she finished my hand and won the game while i tried to skype with piglet, but it did not work. boo. on me. we then played the board game that i got as a gift. i won, all by guessing....it was all luck. lol. then they left an it was sad. ah well.
i had told ash that i love her, i whispered it but i said it. shortie got me a small bear or dog, i am not sure which it is, and simon says, which i hope i can play, it flashes....so i hope it does not cause a problem.
today i was up an down with my attitude, it sucked. i was getting so frustrated. i get so bored and i was ready to do anything today an go anywhere...just to do it. i was disappointed when i did not get to end up helping paint. then i got frustrated when it seemed that they could not talk at the table because i was there. then , even tho i know she was joking, i was kinda frustrated when ash asked me about the color of the bathroom and i had not said anything and she was like well i do not care what you think. it just sucked to hear that. so i decided i was going to stay in my room, because ash an stephen were doing that together and ya...and that way everyone could talk, esp since i cannot talk, i am not part of a lot of the convos that happen here. i think it sucks. and i was just frustrated an i am pretty sure i was just tired....so cranky. but i tried so many times to take part in stuff and just gave up.
i know ash an stephen are gone all day an all they want to do when they get home is stay home..and then i know it is also easier to just go an do stuff without having me to slow them down....but i am here all day, and when they get home an say they are going somewhere i usu really hope they ask me to go along just so i can get out....and i do not ask because it seems rude an bothering to me. but the last few days it just has been driving me crazy. i am bored..and i want to get out, see people, go places....what is sad is a trip to the store usu wears me down. so i want to get out to wear myself down. i was glad when shortie decided that going out to eat was a good idea. i was happy when her an mcguire decided to stay a bit an hang out. i know part of it is me, but ash an stephen get home and spend all their time together, and it is easy for jess to join in and all that, but me, i feel like i am being rude, and in a way selfish. i want to give them time to them, so i leave them be, but then that leaves me an the dog....which is ok, but she sleeps, almost all the time. sigh. ah well. maybe i will take cady for a walk. kill myself in the process but at least i will be doing something an be out of the house.
i know that was dumb an sselfish to say but it is how i feel, i just want to see people an have interaction, play games or color, or make something, and going places gives me a bit of a breath of somthing else air. i mean, am i really being bad to ask that every few days or so we do something or that we go somewhere? sigh, i bet the answer is yes. i would sit out on the porch with the dog for a bit but it is cold an i am a bit scared.
and this pt thing is not working too well. all too often i feel like i am left to do it on my own. which is fine, i will learn, and get better at some things. sad thing is i think my legs are getting weaker, they just hurt more from just walking from one end of the house to the other...but i try. and i will continue to work on it.
tomorrow i am going to do something. because tomorrow is wednesday and not thursday, like i thought. the other day i forgot how to use my phone, i was sitting at the table today an i forgot how to eat a hot dog, it is sad. tomorrow i am going to do some pt. tomorrow i am going to do a load of laundry. tomorrow i am going to do dishes. tomorrow i am going to take a nap. tomorrow iam going to take my vitamins. but what if tomorrow never came, truth is it never comes, it is always today...today i am going to bed.
well then that morning i thought it would be a good idea to use facebook as a tool to help a friend stop smoking. i was assuming their roll and instead of helping it made things worse an i had people convinced that i was a smoker. i do not think i have smoked a day in my life. with the crap taht i went thro and the way my health is there is no way i would even start. i think my next thing that i will try to convince people of on facebook is that i am black. no joke.
than stephen ran away an hid....i thought about getting onto him about it, but i decided that i would be nice. he hid an jess ran away, i think there is something wrong with me. even cady wanted nothing to do with me. well i decided that i would work on some sort of pt myself. so i picked up the coloring book that i had got with kara and nicki and i grabbed my new huge box of crayons, and i sat o n the loveseat and decided that i wanted to make stephen an ash smile even tho they were not having a good day. i picked superman an wonderwoman and i decided to hold the crayons a different way an color with one hand, the hand was not my left hand. it was HARD! it took me a few hours to color the pictures but i did it. i gave them too them and ash kept on asking me if i was sure that jess had not colored them....i just worked my ass off on those, really?! stephen said he was proud an that he was going to frame them an hang them up, which i doubt, but we will see.
i ate some ice cream and m an ms.
stephen an ash left, and i got sad. so cady an i went an layed on the pallet i made on my floor. they got back and told me i stunk and had to take a shower, or i had to go stay out on the porch....no joke...ok...it is a joke. i took a shower and then layed on the loveseat and hung out with every one. we watched pan am, once upon a time - which was awesome, the only thing i did not like (okay i love suspense) is when they show something big happen and a choice that has to be made and cut to commercial, i went balistic, but it was a good episode - and rizzoli an isles - it was a repeat episode but it was a good one. what is funny is i have gotten everyone in this house hooked on a few different things, i have a influence here, and it is funny to watch.
i made ash toast an i made 2 pieces for myself an a sanwhich. i was in a really good mood, and jess said i was dancing.......ummmm ok...so i could not help it, i was in a really good mood.
i did dishes and over all i had said yes an no a few times that day. i went to bed.
this morn there was no need for an alarm. but i was up at 5. then 6 then 7 and then 8. i had some weird dreams. one dream i took stephen an ash's suv for a drive and i sucked, it was funny to see the reactions of everyone inside an out side of the car. then i was being chased by something. then i had a dream where me an this older couple, i knew them, went to this ice arena, and we kept going up to get on this ride where you stood and slid down...so you walked up basically to do the same thing down....i got off when i realized it, and went outside to go home...the older couple came over and the lady decided that i did not need my cane because seh was going to help me to the car....a suv...and i was like this is not a good idea, and she said it w ould be fine...well we started and she was not good support and i fell....i got up only to get hit by a car. then i had a dream with these two lil girls i know i knew...and i was disciplining them and they were on these huge slides and i went down one of the slides only to disappear. the night before i had a dream about being in a tornado, and then i was in the hospital hallway on a gernie and kara was there with me sitting next to me holding my hand.... so all these dreams has me thinking i am in for something bad soon. it is crazy.
so i got up and went to the living room an ash an stephen were sitting on the love seat....i sent them a text - so here is the scoop, yes this is a rabbit trail or tail or whatever, i decided i was going to work on talking, and i have a word everyday to say, but i am so used to not speaking that i just automatically do not. well my word for today was good, which has not come out even close to that, and besides trying to say it i have not said one word today at all to anyone, o wait yes i did, and so bambam gives me a word of the day an i am to say it, now there is a goal to this too - i sent them a text asking them to help me by saying whatever the word is often so i can hear it an try to get it, and to also tell me to use my words instead of not.
they got up an started painting, so i went an watched a movie or finished it. well that is what i spent most of the day doing is watching movies, and watching them paint, while getting drowned in teh smell that the paint was giving off.
evening came an shortie text me to hang out. i was excited. we went out for dinner an i met her friend matt. he is cool. it was very entertaining and i tried the burrito santa fe..next tiem i will try the chicken. then we left an came home, and ash stephen an jess had spaghetti, my fav, without me, it was sad. i was sad. ah well there is left overs. we played uno an mcguire showed up. she finished my hand and won the game while i tried to skype with piglet, but it did not work. boo. on me. we then played the board game that i got as a gift. i won, all by guessing....it was all luck. lol. then they left an it was sad. ah well.
i had told ash that i love her, i whispered it but i said it. shortie got me a small bear or dog, i am not sure which it is, and simon says, which i hope i can play, it flashes....so i hope it does not cause a problem.
today i was up an down with my attitude, it sucked. i was getting so frustrated. i get so bored and i was ready to do anything today an go anywhere...just to do it. i was disappointed when i did not get to end up helping paint. then i got frustrated when it seemed that they could not talk at the table because i was there. then , even tho i know she was joking, i was kinda frustrated when ash asked me about the color of the bathroom and i had not said anything and she was like well i do not care what you think. it just sucked to hear that. so i decided i was going to stay in my room, because ash an stephen were doing that together and ya...and that way everyone could talk, esp since i cannot talk, i am not part of a lot of the convos that happen here. i think it sucks. and i was just frustrated an i am pretty sure i was just tired....so cranky. but i tried so many times to take part in stuff and just gave up.
i know ash an stephen are gone all day an all they want to do when they get home is stay home..and then i know it is also easier to just go an do stuff without having me to slow them down....but i am here all day, and when they get home an say they are going somewhere i usu really hope they ask me to go along just so i can get out....and i do not ask because it seems rude an bothering to me. but the last few days it just has been driving me crazy. i am bored..and i want to get out, see people, go places....what is sad is a trip to the store usu wears me down. so i want to get out to wear myself down. i was glad when shortie decided that going out to eat was a good idea. i was happy when her an mcguire decided to stay a bit an hang out. i know part of it is me, but ash an stephen get home and spend all their time together, and it is easy for jess to join in and all that, but me, i feel like i am being rude, and in a way selfish. i want to give them time to them, so i leave them be, but then that leaves me an the dog....which is ok, but she sleeps, almost all the time. sigh. ah well. maybe i will take cady for a walk. kill myself in the process but at least i will be doing something an be out of the house.
i know that was dumb an sselfish to say but it is how i feel, i just want to see people an have interaction, play games or color, or make something, and going places gives me a bit of a breath of somthing else air. i mean, am i really being bad to ask that every few days or so we do something or that we go somewhere? sigh, i bet the answer is yes. i would sit out on the porch with the dog for a bit but it is cold an i am a bit scared.
and this pt thing is not working too well. all too often i feel like i am left to do it on my own. which is fine, i will learn, and get better at some things. sad thing is i think my legs are getting weaker, they just hurt more from just walking from one end of the house to the other...but i try. and i will continue to work on it.
tomorrow i am going to do something. because tomorrow is wednesday and not thursday, like i thought. the other day i forgot how to use my phone, i was sitting at the table today an i forgot how to eat a hot dog, it is sad. tomorrow i am going to do some pt. tomorrow i am going to do a load of laundry. tomorrow i am going to do dishes. tomorrow i am going to take a nap. tomorrow iam going to take my vitamins. but what if tomorrow never came, truth is it never comes, it is always today...today i am going to bed.
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