There's something different about you since you've been back. - copy an pasted word for word. sadly this statement does not even come close to it tho.
i do believe the last post i wrote i said i was going to visit kara an joey an nicki, and that i was also going to st jo for a night. well what a week this turned out to be.
i did go visit kara an joey an nicki. she text me to let me know she was in town, and i got so nervous i almost could not stand. we left town an we were not that far out and she is like you do know me right an are not just riding away with some stranger?! i said, which is true, that if i did not know you i would not have even talked to you. we stopped in macon for subway, which was good. then we stopped in brookfield, my cousin tiffany works at the hospital cafeteria there, and kara went into walmart while i tried to answer her questions about my cousin chris who died in the lifenet crash, and try to keep myself from crying. then we stopped in a really small town that had one of those old gas stations, it was funny watching her try to figure it out, you would have thought she had never been to a small town. we watched a few movies during my visit, monty python and the holy grail which i did not like - there were funny parts but i guess i am to lame to get the movie that is if there is anything to get -then we watched dolphin tale, which was a great movie, i want a rufus. then we watched xmen first class - at the end i was trying so hard not to bawl when he started saying i cannot feel my legs, i cannot move my legs, because as soon as he said that i remembered what it was like when i could not move my legs, the first time that it happened i freaked out. and there are still times when i will wake up or be sitting some where n i cannot move my legs. granted it only lasts a lil bit but it is still a scary thing - we watched gridiron gang, this was when i returned for another night, it was funny listening to them trying to figure out how to say the title. they did not get it until the rock had said it in the movie. it was funny. and the day that i left we watched a disc full of old cartoons. we also made a lot of our meals, like homemade pizza - mine turned out weird, one was pepperoni an bacon bits an the other pineapple an canadian bacon, but the crust kara made and we topped it - we made monkey bread, kara nicki an i, by the way you do not use actual monkeys, i was tired an kara wanted me to shake the bag but i declined many times, it was alright (oh an we watched tim hawkins bananas) , we had casadeas, brats with potatoes, and waffles ....which took a long time to make an the chocolate ones did not turn out good an tasted like play dough but the blueberry ones were good. oh and we also had ham sanwhich, which was dry even with mustard. lol. kara still had her christmas stuff up which was real pretty, and she has a bunch of penguins, even one that is losing a foot. so peter an pengway were either cuddle buddies or enemies the whole time, it was pretty funny, and kara kept attacking me the whole time either with her penguins or igloo. no joke. i know she was kidding but there were times i just closed my eyes preparing for the worse. tuesday night kara an nicki an i hung out and we decided to go to a random place an do something unplanned, the bad part is taht we planned what we were going to do an where we were going to go. we went to chilicothe and went to the dg good will an dg again. we found what we were looking for dragons hippos an unicorns, and i also got some flash cards an stuff for pt an a new coloring book.
i had fun doing that tho i was tired. i had decided that i did not need my wheelchair an i do not think we had planned on doing anything that involved that much walking. but i survived. barely, lol. i had fun, it was good hanging with nicki, her an kara were having a hug contest to see who could get the most hugs from me, i think i won. lol. it was good seeing joey too. he is funny.
well wednesday came and we left to go to st jo. everyone including me was hesitant about it. i was thinking i will be there less than 24 hours, barely enough time for anyone to know i am there, so there should be no problems. we got there an kara is like well we will come back an get you, just tell me when, and i will be there. i was scared an nervous and excited. i walked in the front door, after leaving everything including my cane outside - the house is so small i do not really need it inside that much -, and before i even walked in the dogs were barking, i walked in an bubbles was right there but she was backing away from me barking an growling, elvis was the first to greet me, we walked in and finally bubbles came up an greeted me. stardust who had been on the ladder was more excited to see joey than me....that kitten of mine does not liek me that much. the dogs were jumping all over me. kara gave me a hug an they left. i helped them find the music store an they were leaving town telling me that i had the chance to go with them. i stayed. it took bubbles a while to warm up to me. i even got on the floor to play with her, and she still did not seem like her self. stardust kept hissing at me everytime i picked him up and biting me. jerk. elvis was excited to see me. after hanging with cady for so long my dog seems small. i got my brother to wake up an it was good seeing him. it was good seeing my family, the only one i did not see was my brother alan. i walked into my room an i about had a fit. i about had a fit the first time i walked into the house. i had spent my whole first week out of the hospital cleaning that house, doing all the laundry, dishes, etc. and there were no clean dishes laundry all over the place, no laundry soap, all the clean towels and blankets were dirty, all my stuff was all over my room, the house smelt bad, there were knats and flies all over, the bathtube was durtte....gross. i thought it was a good thing i took a shower earlier. the dogs were so dirty that my hands were brown from petting them, i was going to give them a bath but no clean towels. i did not even look to see if there was food. so i decided i would just clean off my futon make that, an not worry about eating. bubbles seemed to not care that i was really there. she would go straight to my sister an ignore me. the whole time i was there she was going after elvis an my dad said that had not happened a single time while i was gone. the first time bubbles had my bag of vitamins trying to eat them and elvis tried to get s ome an she went after him. the dogs love vitamins. so my being there was a bad thing for bubbles. i guess the way she saw it was i was the boss of the house an that made her second in command and once i was gone dad an elvis took those positions. he said one will not go outside without the other, which never happened. well i was gathering stuff an dad an rachael left. i had spent a lot of the time that had passed outside with the dogs. there was a knock at the door about 10 mins later, and it was one of the guys. dustin had answered the door, he went to get his phone an the guy came in and grabbed me an threw me agains the wall an started choking me. dustin tried to get him off but nothing worked so while i was being choked an hit an yelled and even touched by him, dustin finally got the neighbors to come over an help. the cops were called but they could not do nothing because the guy had left. so, right before all this had happened i had talked to kara and her an joey decided they were going to come get me an i really did not have a choice. so i was rushing trying to get everything together, and then my aunt showed up and had christmas presents for me. a lot of which i could not bring with me. most breakable, i brought the paper weight one with me an the coloring book she had given me an the throw. i did not get everything i had intended on packing, but i grabbed what i could. my family was pissed that i was coming and going like that, but also glad that i was leaving again, none of them really cared i was there. and rachael was full of drama - tho the funniest thing was i was text my aunt about one of my friends and my aunt was saying everything out loud and rachael was textn someone and she looks over at me and says damit brittany you almost made me ask this person to help me find some new friends, that was hilarious, everyone was laughing - and then lightning jr is dying or might be dead,a n my sisters hamster had died, so it was kinda depressing. and with what had just happened, and most of the windows being covered in plastic, i was not even sure i could sleep. all my stuff was on the front porch ready to go when kara got there. i had to chase stardust down. my brother helped me, he went to the sidewalk on the side of theh ouse an layed there rolling around all happy and stuff. he was pissed when i took him back in the house. i went in an said my good byed. bubbles came up to me and stood on her back legs and put her head in my arm and just kept it there. i literally said i love you bubbles a few times. it was hard to leave her. i got in the car an we took off. we stopped at taco bell on the way and then mcdonalds for ice cream. i bought it, sorta as a way to say thank you. i had planned on going to walmart before i left st jo since my dad works there i use his card to get 10 percent off things, but it did not happen. kara was going to take me but i did not want to go and she had to get back to braymer to help with band practice. so we got to her house and i told her to go ahead an go over to practice. i carried my stuff in, it was really heavy an hard but i did not care. i did fall a few times but i got back up and pushed myself beyond everything i had. i was trying my hardest to keep myself from crying. i finally could not help but too. i got my stuff in an started helpign clean their house. i was exhausted from all the traveling and everything taht had happened, that i finally had to sit down before i fell down. kara and i were texting back an forth an i was going to go over an help take down the tree but they decided not too. i told her how i was emotional.
she got back an we watched the movie gridiron gang. i did just fine during the movie.
we went to bed, i went to the back room got ready for bed an turned off the light an layed down. the minute my head hit the pillow i started bawling. i could not help it. i had not dealt with what had happened a few hour prior and i missed bubbles, i was upset that my family did not care i was there an that they were in danger an it was all my fault. i felt bad that kara had come to get me an that i was keeping her from her studying, i felt bad taht stephen was dealing with his dad having a heart attack and then dealing with his own health issues, an taht ash was stressed an all this, i just felt at that moment that my life was nothing that i was nothing, so i layed there crying. the only thing i wanted at that moment was bubbles. i was not feelign to well an i knew i had a fever, so i layed on my back since my stomach was killing me and i started praying. i started out with god of the bible if you are there, if you are the god that exists hear me please.....i prayed that if anything he would help my friends, stephen to get better, ash not to be stressed, jess to find a job, piglet to keep her dogs, and on an on i went, and i said if you do not do a single thing for me at least do that for my friends. i prayed taht my family an our animals would be safe an protected. and then i told god how i felt like my life was a mistake an nothing was ever going to change with it. how i had not felt fully safe and how it would be better if i was dead. - to be clear here, i am not ever going to kill myself - but do understand that there are limits to me. i can only take so much. so i prayed an prayed an i said i will deal with this on my own. i felt i had been doing this for weeks. i told this god how i felt like i could not go to ash or stephen because of what they were dealing with, and that when i do try to go to people most of them just shrug stuff off like it is nothing, no big deal. like my problems are nothing and i am being rediculous. so i decided that night that i was not going to blog, talk to anyone, or be on facebook, that i just wanted to stay in bed and cry an just save everyone else the trouble an deal with it on my own.
i think i prayed an cryed myself to sleep. i had been having horrible dreams, some of which i am glad i do not remember specifics. last night i had a dream that i was in a tornado, and that i was at this school with my family. just horrible stuff has been my dreams. the first night at kara an joeys they told me i could use the memory foam pillow if i wanted too, so i did i did not move the whole time i was a sleep an i did not wake, i had slept for about 7 hours straight with no interuptions. the second night i tossed an turned. same with the next night.
i woke up thursday morn an texted kara. i told her i was awake and that i was not sure if i would be out there to visit or not. i could not get over the crying an then i also did not feel well. so i texted a few people and asked them to pray for me. kara came an i went into the living room with her. one of the people i had texted told me that it was basically my fault that i chose to go to st jo an i put myself in danger. i did not want to do anything. kara went to go take a shower an she got clean and we were sitting on the couch an i was to the point where i almost started bawling an i leaned forward an laughed an she was like what is so funny and i shook my head to tell her nothing and she was like aww come on you are not going to tell me what is so funny. i was laughing to try an keep from bawling. kara had told me it was okay to cry there infront of her, but i really did not want too. so we ate an then watched cartoons an i had layed down on peter and was almost a sleep when ash an stephen showed up.
things felt weird. joey was showing them teh basement an kara is like you know you can stay here, it is just no one will be home until 5 and you will be bored out of your mind. in a way i did not want to leave. but i know i can go back to visit any time. we loaded up and said our good byes. we took off. i helped stephen find the way to 36.
i felt so weird. like i had done something wrong. i tried sleeping most the way to avoid the tension and because i had not felt well. we got to moberly. unloaded my stuff. i had two duffles, one full of clothes the other full of books. got all this stuff unloaded an they left again. i did dishes an put my room together. than i layed in my bed an just bawled. i turned off my light an tried going to bed. i spent a few hours crying an then i fell sleep for about an hour an half. i got up an made a san which. than i came back to my room an bawled some more. i spent half the night in a cycle of sleepign waking an bawling. 530 came my alarm went off, and i shut it off an went back to sleep. i felt bad but sleep was all i wanted to do. so i cried until i fell asleep. i woke up an got ready an went with stephen to columbia. then we came back to moberly an went to walmart, then we came home. i did dishes, jess got mad because i was rewashing some of the dishes she had just washed. i finished an organized my dvds. i took my m and ms and went to my room an watched some movies and then went to bed. i cried myself to sleep again. 530 came around an i stayed in bed. i got up at 8 and stephen had messaged me...asking me if i was ok,, that i seemed different since i had been back and i was hiding a lot. ...so we talked for a bit but i had not told him what had happened wed, basically because i had not told anyone. i showered an ate some oatmeal, which was gross, then i watched tbs with stephen for a bit, an then i went to my room and got on facebook. jasi an i talked, an i told her most of what had happened, and we talked an then she disappeared. kara sent me a message saying stephen had sent her a message and they were concerned so i sent her a message back. stephen an jess went to taco bell and i paid for my stuff but i could not eat it all. i have been talking with piglet all day. i was going to go visit with her but i really do not feel well so i am going to stay home in bed most likely. piglet is moving tomorrow and i do not know if i will ever see her again, i hope so, but it is killing me, because one of my best friends is moving away. and what sucks even more is i cannot go spend time with her because my body hates me.
so i am laying in bed with cady next to me snoring. i feel like crap. i feel like i am in the way, adding to stress an problems, and that people are mad at me, and that i am facing things alone. i have been wishing for peter to be like huge and real so that i can get a penguin hug from him. i feel i need one of those hugs where it makes you feel safe and secure, even if just for that moment. i do not feel safe. i want to move to st jo and take care of my family, i want to be with my bubbles, i want this all to be over. and it is a me thing when i say i do not feel safe. and since i am like a lil kid, hiding in my bed holding my stuffed animal seems like the closest thing to security i have right now. usu a scared lil kid runs to their mom or dad an their mom or dad comforts them reassuring them everything will be alright, but i cannot do that. so i sit in my bed hiding in my room crying.
i do not feel well and i am scared. and it has been hard to talk to anyone because either they push it off as nothing serious, or they already have enough issues without me adding to them.
i think i am repeating myself, and i feel like i am going to puke, so i am going to get off. but there it is, this post is long, rightly so, point is i have a ton of emotions and i cannot find a way to deal with them other than hiding an crying, and i do not feel well. end of the story.
i do believe the last post i wrote i said i was going to visit kara an joey an nicki, and that i was also going to st jo for a night. well what a week this turned out to be.
i did go visit kara an joey an nicki. she text me to let me know she was in town, and i got so nervous i almost could not stand. we left town an we were not that far out and she is like you do know me right an are not just riding away with some stranger?! i said, which is true, that if i did not know you i would not have even talked to you. we stopped in macon for subway, which was good. then we stopped in brookfield, my cousin tiffany works at the hospital cafeteria there, and kara went into walmart while i tried to answer her questions about my cousin chris who died in the lifenet crash, and try to keep myself from crying. then we stopped in a really small town that had one of those old gas stations, it was funny watching her try to figure it out, you would have thought she had never been to a small town. we watched a few movies during my visit, monty python and the holy grail which i did not like - there were funny parts but i guess i am to lame to get the movie that is if there is anything to get -then we watched dolphin tale, which was a great movie, i want a rufus. then we watched xmen first class - at the end i was trying so hard not to bawl when he started saying i cannot feel my legs, i cannot move my legs, because as soon as he said that i remembered what it was like when i could not move my legs, the first time that it happened i freaked out. and there are still times when i will wake up or be sitting some where n i cannot move my legs. granted it only lasts a lil bit but it is still a scary thing - we watched gridiron gang, this was when i returned for another night, it was funny listening to them trying to figure out how to say the title. they did not get it until the rock had said it in the movie. it was funny. and the day that i left we watched a disc full of old cartoons. we also made a lot of our meals, like homemade pizza - mine turned out weird, one was pepperoni an bacon bits an the other pineapple an canadian bacon, but the crust kara made and we topped it - we made monkey bread, kara nicki an i, by the way you do not use actual monkeys, i was tired an kara wanted me to shake the bag but i declined many times, it was alright (oh an we watched tim hawkins bananas) , we had casadeas, brats with potatoes, and waffles ....which took a long time to make an the chocolate ones did not turn out good an tasted like play dough but the blueberry ones were good. oh and we also had ham sanwhich, which was dry even with mustard. lol. kara still had her christmas stuff up which was real pretty, and she has a bunch of penguins, even one that is losing a foot. so peter an pengway were either cuddle buddies or enemies the whole time, it was pretty funny, and kara kept attacking me the whole time either with her penguins or igloo. no joke. i know she was kidding but there were times i just closed my eyes preparing for the worse. tuesday night kara an nicki an i hung out and we decided to go to a random place an do something unplanned, the bad part is taht we planned what we were going to do an where we were going to go. we went to chilicothe and went to the dg good will an dg again. we found what we were looking for dragons hippos an unicorns, and i also got some flash cards an stuff for pt an a new coloring book.
i had fun doing that tho i was tired. i had decided that i did not need my wheelchair an i do not think we had planned on doing anything that involved that much walking. but i survived. barely, lol. i had fun, it was good hanging with nicki, her an kara were having a hug contest to see who could get the most hugs from me, i think i won. lol. it was good seeing joey too. he is funny.
well wednesday came and we left to go to st jo. everyone including me was hesitant about it. i was thinking i will be there less than 24 hours, barely enough time for anyone to know i am there, so there should be no problems. we got there an kara is like well we will come back an get you, just tell me when, and i will be there. i was scared an nervous and excited. i walked in the front door, after leaving everything including my cane outside - the house is so small i do not really need it inside that much -, and before i even walked in the dogs were barking, i walked in an bubbles was right there but she was backing away from me barking an growling, elvis was the first to greet me, we walked in and finally bubbles came up an greeted me. stardust who had been on the ladder was more excited to see joey than me....that kitten of mine does not liek me that much. the dogs were jumping all over me. kara gave me a hug an they left. i helped them find the music store an they were leaving town telling me that i had the chance to go with them. i stayed. it took bubbles a while to warm up to me. i even got on the floor to play with her, and she still did not seem like her self. stardust kept hissing at me everytime i picked him up and biting me. jerk. elvis was excited to see me. after hanging with cady for so long my dog seems small. i got my brother to wake up an it was good seeing him. it was good seeing my family, the only one i did not see was my brother alan. i walked into my room an i about had a fit. i about had a fit the first time i walked into the house. i had spent my whole first week out of the hospital cleaning that house, doing all the laundry, dishes, etc. and there were no clean dishes laundry all over the place, no laundry soap, all the clean towels and blankets were dirty, all my stuff was all over my room, the house smelt bad, there were knats and flies all over, the bathtube was durtte....gross. i thought it was a good thing i took a shower earlier. the dogs were so dirty that my hands were brown from petting them, i was going to give them a bath but no clean towels. i did not even look to see if there was food. so i decided i would just clean off my futon make that, an not worry about eating. bubbles seemed to not care that i was really there. she would go straight to my sister an ignore me. the whole time i was there she was going after elvis an my dad said that had not happened a single time while i was gone. the first time bubbles had my bag of vitamins trying to eat them and elvis tried to get s ome an she went after him. the dogs love vitamins. so my being there was a bad thing for bubbles. i guess the way she saw it was i was the boss of the house an that made her second in command and once i was gone dad an elvis took those positions. he said one will not go outside without the other, which never happened. well i was gathering stuff an dad an rachael left. i had spent a lot of the time that had passed outside with the dogs. there was a knock at the door about 10 mins later, and it was one of the guys. dustin had answered the door, he went to get his phone an the guy came in and grabbed me an threw me agains the wall an started choking me. dustin tried to get him off but nothing worked so while i was being choked an hit an yelled and even touched by him, dustin finally got the neighbors to come over an help. the cops were called but they could not do nothing because the guy had left. so, right before all this had happened i had talked to kara and her an joey decided they were going to come get me an i really did not have a choice. so i was rushing trying to get everything together, and then my aunt showed up and had christmas presents for me. a lot of which i could not bring with me. most breakable, i brought the paper weight one with me an the coloring book she had given me an the throw. i did not get everything i had intended on packing, but i grabbed what i could. my family was pissed that i was coming and going like that, but also glad that i was leaving again, none of them really cared i was there. and rachael was full of drama - tho the funniest thing was i was text my aunt about one of my friends and my aunt was saying everything out loud and rachael was textn someone and she looks over at me and says damit brittany you almost made me ask this person to help me find some new friends, that was hilarious, everyone was laughing - and then lightning jr is dying or might be dead,a n my sisters hamster had died, so it was kinda depressing. and with what had just happened, and most of the windows being covered in plastic, i was not even sure i could sleep. all my stuff was on the front porch ready to go when kara got there. i had to chase stardust down. my brother helped me, he went to the sidewalk on the side of theh ouse an layed there rolling around all happy and stuff. he was pissed when i took him back in the house. i went in an said my good byed. bubbles came up to me and stood on her back legs and put her head in my arm and just kept it there. i literally said i love you bubbles a few times. it was hard to leave her. i got in the car an we took off. we stopped at taco bell on the way and then mcdonalds for ice cream. i bought it, sorta as a way to say thank you. i had planned on going to walmart before i left st jo since my dad works there i use his card to get 10 percent off things, but it did not happen. kara was going to take me but i did not want to go and she had to get back to braymer to help with band practice. so we got to her house and i told her to go ahead an go over to practice. i carried my stuff in, it was really heavy an hard but i did not care. i did fall a few times but i got back up and pushed myself beyond everything i had. i was trying my hardest to keep myself from crying. i finally could not help but too. i got my stuff in an started helpign clean their house. i was exhausted from all the traveling and everything taht had happened, that i finally had to sit down before i fell down. kara and i were texting back an forth an i was going to go over an help take down the tree but they decided not too. i told her how i was emotional.
she got back an we watched the movie gridiron gang. i did just fine during the movie.
we went to bed, i went to the back room got ready for bed an turned off the light an layed down. the minute my head hit the pillow i started bawling. i could not help it. i had not dealt with what had happened a few hour prior and i missed bubbles, i was upset that my family did not care i was there an that they were in danger an it was all my fault. i felt bad that kara had come to get me an that i was keeping her from her studying, i felt bad taht stephen was dealing with his dad having a heart attack and then dealing with his own health issues, an taht ash was stressed an all this, i just felt at that moment that my life was nothing that i was nothing, so i layed there crying. the only thing i wanted at that moment was bubbles. i was not feelign to well an i knew i had a fever, so i layed on my back since my stomach was killing me and i started praying. i started out with god of the bible if you are there, if you are the god that exists hear me please.....i prayed that if anything he would help my friends, stephen to get better, ash not to be stressed, jess to find a job, piglet to keep her dogs, and on an on i went, and i said if you do not do a single thing for me at least do that for my friends. i prayed taht my family an our animals would be safe an protected. and then i told god how i felt like my life was a mistake an nothing was ever going to change with it. how i had not felt fully safe and how it would be better if i was dead. - to be clear here, i am not ever going to kill myself - but do understand that there are limits to me. i can only take so much. so i prayed an prayed an i said i will deal with this on my own. i felt i had been doing this for weeks. i told this god how i felt like i could not go to ash or stephen because of what they were dealing with, and that when i do try to go to people most of them just shrug stuff off like it is nothing, no big deal. like my problems are nothing and i am being rediculous. so i decided that night that i was not going to blog, talk to anyone, or be on facebook, that i just wanted to stay in bed and cry an just save everyone else the trouble an deal with it on my own.
i think i prayed an cryed myself to sleep. i had been having horrible dreams, some of which i am glad i do not remember specifics. last night i had a dream that i was in a tornado, and that i was at this school with my family. just horrible stuff has been my dreams. the first night at kara an joeys they told me i could use the memory foam pillow if i wanted too, so i did i did not move the whole time i was a sleep an i did not wake, i had slept for about 7 hours straight with no interuptions. the second night i tossed an turned. same with the next night.
i woke up thursday morn an texted kara. i told her i was awake and that i was not sure if i would be out there to visit or not. i could not get over the crying an then i also did not feel well. so i texted a few people and asked them to pray for me. kara came an i went into the living room with her. one of the people i had texted told me that it was basically my fault that i chose to go to st jo an i put myself in danger. i did not want to do anything. kara went to go take a shower an she got clean and we were sitting on the couch an i was to the point where i almost started bawling an i leaned forward an laughed an she was like what is so funny and i shook my head to tell her nothing and she was like aww come on you are not going to tell me what is so funny. i was laughing to try an keep from bawling. kara had told me it was okay to cry there infront of her, but i really did not want too. so we ate an then watched cartoons an i had layed down on peter and was almost a sleep when ash an stephen showed up.
things felt weird. joey was showing them teh basement an kara is like you know you can stay here, it is just no one will be home until 5 and you will be bored out of your mind. in a way i did not want to leave. but i know i can go back to visit any time. we loaded up and said our good byes. we took off. i helped stephen find the way to 36.
i felt so weird. like i had done something wrong. i tried sleeping most the way to avoid the tension and because i had not felt well. we got to moberly. unloaded my stuff. i had two duffles, one full of clothes the other full of books. got all this stuff unloaded an they left again. i did dishes an put my room together. than i layed in my bed an just bawled. i turned off my light an tried going to bed. i spent a few hours crying an then i fell sleep for about an hour an half. i got up an made a san which. than i came back to my room an bawled some more. i spent half the night in a cycle of sleepign waking an bawling. 530 came my alarm went off, and i shut it off an went back to sleep. i felt bad but sleep was all i wanted to do. so i cried until i fell asleep. i woke up an got ready an went with stephen to columbia. then we came back to moberly an went to walmart, then we came home. i did dishes, jess got mad because i was rewashing some of the dishes she had just washed. i finished an organized my dvds. i took my m and ms and went to my room an watched some movies and then went to bed. i cried myself to sleep again. 530 came around an i stayed in bed. i got up at 8 and stephen had messaged me...asking me if i was ok,, that i seemed different since i had been back and i was hiding a lot. ...so we talked for a bit but i had not told him what had happened wed, basically because i had not told anyone. i showered an ate some oatmeal, which was gross, then i watched tbs with stephen for a bit, an then i went to my room and got on facebook. jasi an i talked, an i told her most of what had happened, and we talked an then she disappeared. kara sent me a message saying stephen had sent her a message and they were concerned so i sent her a message back. stephen an jess went to taco bell and i paid for my stuff but i could not eat it all. i have been talking with piglet all day. i was going to go visit with her but i really do not feel well so i am going to stay home in bed most likely. piglet is moving tomorrow and i do not know if i will ever see her again, i hope so, but it is killing me, because one of my best friends is moving away. and what sucks even more is i cannot go spend time with her because my body hates me.
so i am laying in bed with cady next to me snoring. i feel like crap. i feel like i am in the way, adding to stress an problems, and that people are mad at me, and that i am facing things alone. i have been wishing for peter to be like huge and real so that i can get a penguin hug from him. i feel i need one of those hugs where it makes you feel safe and secure, even if just for that moment. i do not feel safe. i want to move to st jo and take care of my family, i want to be with my bubbles, i want this all to be over. and it is a me thing when i say i do not feel safe. and since i am like a lil kid, hiding in my bed holding my stuffed animal seems like the closest thing to security i have right now. usu a scared lil kid runs to their mom or dad an their mom or dad comforts them reassuring them everything will be alright, but i cannot do that. so i sit in my bed hiding in my room crying.
i do not feel well and i am scared. and it has been hard to talk to anyone because either they push it off as nothing serious, or they already have enough issues without me adding to them.
i think i am repeating myself, and i feel like i am going to puke, so i am going to get off. but there it is, this post is long, rightly so, point is i have a ton of emotions and i cannot find a way to deal with them other than hiding an crying, and i do not feel well. end of the story.
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