passion

we all have passions, we all have that one thing that we are really passionate about. sara told me a few sundays ago that i was going to school for youth an family.

yesterday i woke up at 5 something in the am, took a shower and got ready to leave. i thought shortie had forgotten about me, but i was mistaken and she showed up to get me. i got to be a friend to her, which i do not get to be often. we got to church and started setting up. we got set up and then went to eat donuts. i ate two, i think, or three. i was hungry. some of the youth group girls showed up and i was being a brat and everytime they would come over to me i would take off. we sat in the front row and listened to music. the band was amazing. it was nice to see faces that i knew, or that i was getting to know. it was good being around some very nice people. it was great being front row with the music playing. everything just seemed to disappear and i was smiling, which i do but not like i was right then, and i felt that tug in my heart but it was not as bad at it used to be, and i felt at peace, like that is where i wanted to stay. right there in that moment.
we went back and finished. kelly came in and gave me a hug. i do not expect hugs, but it is great when i get them. we went into trek time and did the song and communion. i had met some of the helpers that had not been there for a while. one was really nice, i do not remember her name, but she was a school teacher at the high school and now is a teacher in hallsville. she stood around and was patient while i typed out my name and told her that i had gone to central. she was really nice.
we broke off and went in to our own room with the 3 year olds. there was this lil black girl and she just smiled and it was a cute smile. we played a game and did the lesson on adam and eve. at the end the kids kept on asking who is he, referring to me, and sara and amanda were like she is brittany...it was hilarious. we went back into trek time and finished with them.
this really tall guy came over to me and was like hey brittany, he was with a woman and i am sure i have to know them. they have 3 kids. one was in our class. it was the first high five that i have given to anyone. hahaha. it was an experience.
we cleaned up and headed out. amanda and i went back to her place and watched in plain sight. i am really good at getting people into tv shows. and other things. lol. val and justin got home. i got to hold elijah for about 30 mins. he has a strong grip, i was surprised. he is sooooooooooooo cute. he spit up on me 3 times. haha, i did not mind.
we decided we were hungry, and sara had left after finishing making me a hat, which i love. and we decided to go to subway. it was good.
i was going to go to youth group but there was really no one to bring me home from the college. and i am iffy about riding in a car full of guys, just saying. and then i got a text from stephen saying that him and ash wanted to talk to me. i was sure i was in trouble even though they said i was not. i decided that what ever it was i wanted to get it over with, tho shortie said she would keep me forever. she was going to hide me under her bed and feed me the crums...lol. jk.
shortie brought me home and they ate dinner. then they sat on the couch and we talked. haha. there was only one part that made me feel like i was in trouble. but, i do not care now. it was to set in stone the moving to st jo. which i was sure was set in stone. infact the rock is outside. lol.
i sat around for a bit and then i decided to go to bed. i was tired. i started watching the bucket list, i thought it dragged out the beginning. so i stopped it and went to bed.
i woke up early, after having a weird dream. one which i do not remember. i sat p and got a bloody nose, so i hurried and took care of taht. than i went and sat in with ash. we ate breakfast, i did dishes, and then went and finished the bucket list. i may or may not watch it again. i watched traffik, which i did not really get, and i watched half of blood diamond. i am trying to finish the movies i borrowed like two weeks ago from the jones so i can return them and borrow one or two more. lol. we went to china garden for lunch. it was actually good today. we got home and i did nothing for a bit. everyone left. i swept the living room and picked up hair. ash got here and we sat around for a while. she made hamberger helper for dinner, which was great, and now we are watching tv again.

shortie told me yesterday that she really likes that i love just spending time with people and not wanting to do anything with people. which is true. i may say i want to do something with people, but really i just want to be around people, i enjoy time with people.

back to the beginning. passions. i really love being part of trek time and encounter. i love hanging with the kids and the youth, maybe because i can be more of who i am in my head around them. i hope i can get involved with a youth group and not for just a month. the kids have been texting me and facebooking me and hanging around me and i really like that. i really like being around the kids and youth, no joke.

sunday i was not at my best. bert asked me if i was doing better and i shook my head yes, but i felt bad for it. the whole day i had felt so out of it like i could have passed out at any time. i was exhausted and had only been up for 3 hours. my feet were killing me and my whole head hurt. my wisdom tooth is still coming up, and that does not help.
lately i have been feeling that i have been out of it. i have been doing the craziest things. like panting like a dog, enjoying the smell of dog food. i was getting some applesauce the other day and i put the applesauce into the cabinet. i felt so dumb....but that is stuff i have been doing. or i was writing someone and i sent something that i have no clue where it came from and it made no sense, and i have been doing that a lot too. sigh. haha.

the youth group kids have told me they missed me, they know my name, they think i am awesome, and nice, and they enjoy having me around. it would be great to be able to come back and visit or later this year that i would be able to come back and be a part of things for more than a month or two.

i am preparing myself tho to go back to st jo. i need to start preparing myself for all that is going to come in the next few months, esp april. i am so out of the loop with things right now, but it sorta does not bug me.

so there it is. my blog post for two days. i went outside and stood on the porch looking out into the neighborhood with cady adn stephen. it was such a beautiful day. it was a great day for the most part. boy i am going to miss this!

my blog

just to let people know this is my blog. just saying, if you do not like something i say, get over it or get lost. --this is what i told a friend last night when they said something about starting a blog.

i went to bed last night thinking if i put my phone on the usb to charge i can use it no problem. well i did, and it died 3 times on me. so i waited 5 mins to turn it on and then it stopped dying. i was trying to continue my conversation with kendra and then it finally came to the point where i was like i might fall asleep on you, just to let you know.

i woke up at 530 this morn, no i did not stay up either. i went back to sleep at 6. i woke up at 830...and boy did i hurt, i was not sure if i could move or not. i sat there listening to the voices coming from the rest of the house....and it was not talking, it was yelling..and not bad yelling, stephen has def been very much like peeves lately. it is hilarious.
i finally came out of my room and we had breakfast it was good. i washed most the dishes, when i went to start them i got very pissed off.
kendra and i started to chat again. i got dishes done and have been sitting at the table most the day. i was in a pretty good mood, and now i am just pissed. there are certain things that i am done with. i am fed up, and i will not tolerate it anymore.

thing about me is that i do not get offended easily or pissed off easily, i hardly ever get angry, i usually get frustrated, but saying i am pissed off and fed up, than i am really done with something.

i am waiting for sara mc an ashley m to show up. we are going to hang out. it will be good to see them.

kendra keeps telling me that i am one of the sweetest people she knows. hahahahaha. i am a jerk. today, i have been an asshole. true story. i could have been a major ass but i decided that it was not worth it. mainly because i am FED UP. lol. i am not sweet at all.

so i said i was going to talk about my health today. well right now i am pissed and therefore my body is tense. the last few days i have been getting a horrible headache. i have not had one like these in a while. they get so bad that i have to close my eyes and just stop everything. i am going back wards in my health. i keep wondering if the meninjitis is going to pop back up, and it is possible. ugh, i do not think i could do another 4 months in the hospital. and what is worse is that meninjitis is contagious. so no visitors.....grr....lol. it is kinda one of those shoot me now things. i do know that i need to go see a neurologist, but that will prob not happen. well i think that is all i am going to say about my health for right now.
i am hoping to get on food stamps and medicade/medicare.

bambam and i have not talked for a while but i am thinking about going to visit her....sometime within the next 6 months. given that i can an am not in the hospital or dead.

6 months, that is how long i am not able to drive legally. which when april comes may have to start at day 1 again. i do hope that this whole seizure thing dies off, it would be nice. i am not sure when the last time i had one was. i am sure it is in my blog somewhere.

people keep asking me what my favorite color is and i do not have one. i would like a quilt...i know it is random but i keep seeing them on pinterest and they seem so cool.

well time to go eat. boy did i eat too. it was sara treat, mostly. we went to taco bell and then we went to mcdonalds. it was weird. she kept showing me photos and videos from college and i kept thinking, well on certain photos, what in the hell was up with my hair, and two, it is so weird, i do not remember any of it.
my phone died at taco bell...the last person i talked to on it was stephen. i think i confuse him a lot, which is funny.

sara was eating ice and she says it is cold and i was like duh. on our way there this truck was at the gas station and he looked like he was waiting to pull out and out he pulled almost causing us to run right into him. sara yelled, and it was the first time this whole time i have been here that i was actually scared for a sec from driving around. my chest had hurt. i thought i was going to have a heart attack.

at mcdonalds sara got busy and i watched fox news. i am intregued by the news. they were doing this special on the cruise ship that wrecked, and then a piece on a woman who cannot run for office because she cannot speak good english though she was born and raised in the us, and then they did this thing on the occupy movement, and a train that crashed in cali. the best part was listening to palin indorse gingrich in the president election.

we left and sara dropped me off. WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF....cady was barking at me and then so excited to see me that she riped her lead right out of the ground. she would not let me walk or go up the steps...she kept trying to jump up to lick my face. i walked in and things seem eriee around here. the whole day has seemed kinda that way. maybe it is just me.

tomorrow is going to be fun. we are going to be in with the 3 year olds again. i am going to take my laptop, my phone charger and wall plug, and maybe a book. i am not sure what is going on tomororw or how it is going to work. i am thinking that next sunday will be my last sunday. if i am not mistaken that makes it super bowl sunday.

if so then that makes it 5 years since the first time one of those boys stepped into my life. well feb 4th to be exact, i think. which means taht they can no longer be tried for that offense. which sucks but that is life.

today has been an iffy day. there were parts that i hated, there were parts that i loved, and there were decisions i made.

i am not looking to be anyones hero or be looked up too. i am just looking to be me. we all have a story. we all have struggles. we all go through tuff things. i believe that not one struggle is greater than another. we should focus on living life, getting through our pain, and help someone else get through theirs.

i can honestly say life is good, even when i feel like it sucks. and that is coming from me. nothing is stopping us from making everyday a good day, nothing that is but ourselves. i hardly ever let anything keep a smile off my face, so why should you?

refreshing

today has been another great day. this morning i woke up at 4 and have not been back to bed since then. i am surprised taht i did not wake up at 12 something like i usually do.
i guess i want to be a dog because yesterday i was panting with my tongue sticking out as i was scratching my head, and then as i was taking stuff to my room to go to bed, i smelt something good, and it made me want to eat it and then i realized it was the dog food...i thought a bout it for a bit, no joke!

ash and i ate breakfast and then she left. i guess the place stephen is working for is looking for people who know sign. it would be good if i was good at signing. i did dishes and then watched smallville. i decided to work on my farm on facebook. stephen an jess got up and i was then watching police woman.

so jess is sitting there and she is like, i do not like woman as cops, they yell a lot and are mean. i just stared at her like seriously. when i grow up, i want to be a freaking cop, even more than that. and if you think about it, when you think of women you think of a loving nature, so therefore they have to be mean and yell to get their job done. i cannot wait, and i hope taht i can do it, i thrive for the action and adventure.

stephen and i spent a while talking. it made me feel a lot better. and it really was not much that we talked about.

yesterday i got, yea it was yesterday or the night before, but i got a friend request from a friend from high school. i was just thinking about her too. we have spent most of the day talking, we are still talking. it is nice. i look forward to seeing her when i get back to st jo, her an her husband. i went to high school with both of them. kendra told me that they want to take me out to dinner when i get back.
it has been good talking with her. i am glad she is back in my life. she is a great friend. the more i talk to her the more i feel alright about returning to st. jo. it is more the knowing that i have friends and support there.

it is good having true friends. i love the friends i have.

it is sorta snowing and sleeting out. i was talking to jasi and boy did we have a short but great convo. in a bit i am going to do dishes and then go to my room an go to bed. last night i watched one of the 150 cartoon discs half way and i went to bed.  tonight i will probably do the same thing.

i feel like things are getting back to normal around here. even i am starting to get real comfortable. one thing you should know about me is that i am reserved because i cannot really communicate, or it seems pointless at times to try. but if i am really really comfortable i become more like me. i am like a lil kid, i will bounce around, hum if i can, bob back and forth, sorta dance, and you can tell, i am relaxed. i am sure everyone in the house has seen a glimpse of it. cady sees it all the time.

cady likes cuddling with me. she gets under the covers with me, sits next to me on the couch, lately she waits and ignores everyone for as long as she can and hangs out with me. earlier today stephen was messing with jess, and jess was trying to get cady to move because of what stephen was saying, cady sat up and just stared at her....bubbles does the same thing to dustin....it is that look that says touch me one more time, try to make me move, or touch my person and i will kick your ass. it was hilarious. i do not know why dogs do that but it is funny.

maybe i will just wait until tomorrow to do dishes. i am pretty tired. tomorrow i am going to write about my health. i should be a good weekend. i am excited about sunday, not only for church, but the jones will have the house to themselves for half the day.

fact time. three of my best friends have the last name jones and are married, stephen and ash, and lonnie and becka.....and then, did you know that wolves go out to hunt and when they come back to the pack other wolves would come up and lick the mouth of the hunter wanting the hunter wolf to puke up what they had ate, so when a dog licks your face, most of the time it is because they want the food that you ate. this one is out of place but the average age of a thanksgiving turkey is 9 months.

well i am off to bed i think.

pizza hut

last night was as good as the rest of the day had been. or maybe a bit better. i went to sleep and i woke up at 1230 and stayed up til 1 then slept and was up at 3, have been up ever since. i had a scary dream. this may sound stupid to you, but my mentality switches between ages, and last night was def a children mentality night.
i was in the house i am sure i grew up in. there was this giant saint Bearnard bumble bee. it stung me. (so this bumble bee was a huge bee, and it looked like a saint bearnard on wings. and when it stung me i could still feel the sting when i woke up) i thought i would just shake it off and then my hand started getting huge, turning colors and it really hurt. i went to my dad and i said my hand is not supposed to do that is it? and i just stared at it and that is when i woke up. i am not kidding when i say i was scared that a saint bernard bumble bee was going to get me. i even looked at my hand as it still hurt to see if i could see the stinger.

i know i am pathetic. i was terrified because of this dream so i did not go back to sleep. i got on my phone and did facebook for a bit and then i decided to move to the kitchen so i would not wake anyone up. i sat at the table and watched the rest of the first dragonball z movie. then i started watching pineapple express. while watching these things i finally got my pinterest account set up. and then my brother texted me which i was not expecting. he was all freaked out yesterday because he could not get this site to work, it was like the end of his life. this morning he wanted my netflix account stuff...which i had given him before. i do not mind him having it because i am paying for it and i hardly ever use it.
ash woke up and we had breakfast. i guess yesterdays blog post gave her a good laugh. then she was leaving for work and she said this coffee does not taste good with tooth paste. i said, i have never heard of anyone putting toothpaste in their coffee. i knew what she meant but it was still funny. and then i remembered a time i was skyping with the jones, and we were talking about cady and her hair...and i had said something and then stephen said oh we just use the broom...i think i said you sweep the dog....i was in the hospital...but once they explained it to me i felt a fool. it was hilarious. so i was in the chair this am cracking up. plus when it is early in the am i just laugh.
ash left and i took a shower. stephen was up and then jess woke and we spent almost all morning in the living room just doing nothing basically. no that is a lie...stephen i think lost a marble or soemthing, it was hilarious! he kept on trying to cover jess up with the blanket so they were both warm, and both using the same blanket, and then they kept scaring one another, flooding each others inboxes, and then stephen decided to call lauren over an over and over like 20 times with his an jess phone. it was funny to watch.
they both got ready and left for work. i swept, did dishes, picked up some and that was basically it. ash got home and we decided we were hungry but did not want to cook, so we went to pizza hut with lauren and kevin. shortie joined us. it was a fun night.
now we are home getting ready to watch tv.

i am glad i did not decide to back out of posting yesterdays post. it helped me feel better, prob because all that had been just building and it seemed everyone was busy and so i did not really have anyone to talk too. i mean i did but people were working, sick, or just busy and i did not want to bother anyone.

i did get to talk to my big sis becks today for a bit. it was good. i miss her. she makes me smile. and it was good spending time with ash, and then seeing shortie. i really enjoy the time i get with people. it makes me feel good!

i have not talked about my health and i am not going to unless someone asks about it. i just figure it is not that important, so no need to blog about it.

i am excited about sunday. sundays have become one of my favorite days of the week. it is sad that i do not get to see anyone at the house the whole day, but i do enjoy sundays. i get out the whole day and i get to go to church and i do not know. does anyone else ever feel like their heart is attached to a fishing line, and you are hooked and you can feel a tugging? i am not sure what it is, but every time i go to the church i just feel a tug. it is like my heart is telling me something and i wish i knew what.

last sunday we, mcguire and i, walked in and started setting up lil pebles and flinstones, and brooke and lauren were sitting and sara walked up to them and brooke told sara something then said where i could here, you can tell your friend i said that. brooke is the age of alan, i am 6 years older than her. she told sara that she had prayed for me because she felt like i needed it. the whole time i have been here a lot of people have come up and told me they prayed for me. i just do not understand, they do not know me, but they pray for me. it is strange, but nice.

i think i need to watch where i walk. all day today, i have been tripping over the back door floor thing, and then i about fell in my bedroom from my blanket moving under my feet, sigh.

today i am happy, yester day i was happy, and the day before i was happy, so this week has been a good week. i hope it ends as good!

defectiveness sucks.

yesterday was a great day. ash was in a good mood, great mood. this morning we all got up and had breakfast together. it was great. the last 24 hours have been great. and tonight should be even better, at least i hope so. maybe stephen will say some more awkward hilarious stuff at the wrong moments.

things in the house are finally starting to turn around for everyone. life is starting to come together, and stress is being relieved. i am extremely happy for them all.

i am going to say it, there is a but....
before i go on, i want anyone that is reading this to know or to remember that i am defective in the brain.

there are things that i am struggling with, and this post is what is going on in my head. i am not sure when the last time was that i wrote a post like this, so here it goes.

i like to use my google + account to express myself or what i am feeling, every so often.

life is coming together for everyone but me it seems. infact, the life that i have started putting together for myself is soon going to be gone. i am not saying any of this to in anyway make anyone feel bad, this is me  trying to figure things out, trying to understand, and trying to be okay with everything.

in less than two weeks i will be going back to st jo. the first night that it became a done deal i was so terrified that i was shaking so hard. it took me a few days to be ok with it. i have gone a whole week being at peace with it.
all the stress in the house, the different issues, i knew that once i left that part of that stress would die. i also know that pt is something, as much as i say i can do it on my own, that i know i need help with. that is the main reason for going to st jo.
i was sitting in my room organizing, packing away a few more things, and it hit me again, soon i will be back in st jo. fear started to break through the peace that i had. it would not be so bad if i knew i would be coming back here in a few months, but i know nothing of my future. i hardly know the people i am going to be staying with tho i do know that they are good people. i am leaving some of my best friends, the church i have started to grow to love, and the peace and safety that i have come to know. i am returning to a place where i hardly know anyone, where i have no friends like i do here, where i cannot bear to go to a church or really anywhere because once i am seen i mise well start digging my own grave, and where fear and danger will be all i will feel.
i have said it before, i will say it again, it does not matter where i am or who i am with in st jo, i will be in constant fear.

i have hope tho. i am excited about the whole pt thing, as weird as it sounds. i am excited that i can go see bubbles, elvis, and stardust at almost any time. i am going to miss being here, i am going to miss my friends, cady, as weird as it sounds my church, and the other things that make me feel warm inside.

jess said earlier today, see what happens when you keep praying to god. at lunch they were talking about how god brought us here for a reason back to moberly. god, purpose, praying....i almost feel as if since i am not a christian that things automatically go bad for you. but i pray....i am searching, searching for truth to who god is, what god means to me...and all that. i am having a hard time understanding why 1 god, saying that i believe in him, would let me come out of the hospital alive, 2 why he, given god is a man, would take me from a horrible place, bring me here, and then place me back in a town where it is not safe for me. 

the last 6-8 months have been a journey. most of which i cannot remember. it has been full of changes, constant moving, and so much more. the time i have been here has been a break, a weird but good change from what i experienced my first week out of the hospital. i am grateful for what the jones have done for me. i will continue to look up to them. i will forever be eternally grateful.

i know most of this sounds pathetic, but i am trying hard to understand what is going on, adjust to the changes, and figure out my future. but i guess sometimes the best adventure is the one that is so uncertain, so full of surprises, and one that is unplanned.

Lame

Today has been lame. ....mainly because everything about me and everything I did was pretty much lame.

I woke up.. ..and not in a good way or at a good time.. ...to a bad start. I thought if I finished my blog post from yesterday that I would accomplish one thing and go on to accomplish another.

I was very weary of leaving my room. But I had to or I was going to pee my pants.. .lol. so I went potty and came back to my room.

I put what I could into my post without making it super super long and decided to save some things for another post. And this is not that post. This morning I was still pretty pumped about yesterday. Though by the end of youth group I was fighting to stay awake and everyone at the table noticed.

Well everyone left the house so I decided to get up and just walk around some. ..I ended up doing dishes. Than I decided I should pick up my room the rest of the way. I packed some of my books away and decided to put the index cards on top of the recipe box. As I was sitting on my floor I realized that I already have half my stuff packed and that it would take me less than an hour to pack the rest. That is sad. No joke!

Everyone came walking in the door at the same time. Stephen said to come eat so I did. Taco Bell.. ...yum.

I decided to come back to my room. Cady joined me for most of the day. She even got under the blanket layed right next to me and we cuddled and tried taking a nap. We ended up watching movies all day.

I was so tired today. My attitude was not good. And blah blah.

Tomorrow I have no clue what I am going to do. Maybe I will crack open my Bible.. ..maybe I will read some more of my book.. ...maybe I will work on shapes and colors - they all look the same - ......or maybe.. ...I will travel to a far land and fight the mighty beast that lives there.. ...but I can only do what I feel I have the spoons to do.. ..so maybe I will just meditate and pray all day. Adventure is out there. ....I just have to find it .

Taco Bell

I have good news and I have bad news. Bad news is I burnt my tongue on the jalopenio chili. Good news is I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by not paying it. OK, so I stopped paying it a long time ago and I did not save any money today at all. Lol. But I could not resist trying to put the geico or whoever it is catch phrase on my blog post with a twist of course.

I am sitting in the mud room writing this post.
I got home and everyone or I think everyone is in their room.. ..and in my room you can hear a lot from almost any part of the house. So I am in the mud room thinking about grabbing my head phone, putting on some music and finishing this post before I go to bed.
I slept pretty well last night ....though I thought I would never get out of bed. I was so tired. Last night was pretty good.
I got up and Cady came right to me. She wanted out so I let her out figuring I could finish getting ready and them let her back in. After a bit I did not hear any barking so I checked on her.. ..she was sitting on the porch. I let her in thinking she did not want to get wet. It was a good thing I did to because not to long after there was a black lab in the yard across the alley.
McGuire text me setting she was going to be a bit late. I was going to eat a piece of toast or some cereal but I forgot.. no joke. Sara got here and I walked out thinking the getting was just wet.. ...no. ...it was complete ice. I had no problem till I got to the back of the SUV. My cane went and I bout went to. I made it to her car. We almost slid through the stop sign at the end of the block. We got to the college and slid right past our turn. It was crazy. We got on the highway and it seemed like car after car was sliding off the road. There was this yellow car that was faced the wrong way going the right way.. .it was trying to get control but failed.. ..it spun out and bout crossed to our side. On down the road there was this truck that spun out taking two signs with it. We got to the hallsville turn and the road were much better.
I had told Sara that she should not worry bout her phone While driving on ice.. .she said i only do it for you because I love you.. .I told her that now I get what people mean when they say they love you to death and I told her thanks it means a lot. Though I had told her earlier that death did not scare me.
We finally made it to the church. I was dropped off at the front door. I walked up and Bert was out and greeted me.. ..than Mark was holding the door for me. He said do not fall now that would be bad.. ..I agreed.

I went back and helped set up for stuff.. ..Sara did not like this much at all.. .it was funny. Samantha was one of the trek time helpers and she kept asking me questions.. ..trying to make them yes no ones which mostly worked. W finished and went to get donuts.. ..I ate two and if I would not have I would have not made it beyond that point. I was weak. We went in and got our group. 3year olds.. ..Sara told me she would understand if I did not want to hang around.. .I said I should fit right in. By the end of church most the kids had come to like me.. ..even though they did not like that I was not speaking.

ugh. ...I am to tired to write anymore of this post.. ..so I shall continue in the morning.

I am now awake. I stayed up till 11 mostly at the kitchen table. It was hard shifting on the floor in tree mud room. I was not sure if Jess was home or not so I wanted to make sure. ...I had figured since Cady had not come to me or was not in the living room that Jess was home.
Before I went to bed Tennessee was under a tornado warning. We had gone from icy fog in the morning thunderstorms in the evening and then we were supposed to get snow in the early morning.
I am awake and my dreams last night were alright. It is cloudy and it seems that it rained good. I thought it was hailing last night.
OK so I left off. ...
At the end of morning church. The kids had a lot of fun. They made a creation mix snack.. ..loaded with sugar. I did not have any of it.we also made a creation bottle globe. And then we had two different activities. If you had not guessed the lesson was on the7 days of creation.
We finished cleaning up.. ..all the glitter. ...all the glitter.

We left church. And decided to go to taco Bell and than the library or coffee shop. At taco Bell we started talking about theological things.. ..and how children have such an impact. How they ask the hard questions. Than I remembered how I had done that.. .how I still do that. So I pulled up a conversation where I had asked those questions.. .the hard ones. We spent the next 3 hours talking about my questions. I stumped them on a few. And now they know where I am.

We left and went to the chili throw down. We went through the mild and medium chili tables. The medium table had one with jalepenoes. It burnt my tongue. There were a few chilis that I really liked. I did not eat a full bowl though.
While waiting in line and sitting at the table I had asked McGuire to tell me about the old me and college. Something I have been starting to ask people.

She told me that personality wise I am pretty much the same. I am more reserved.. .but that that was understandable. She said we had been roommates.. ..told me about the first night that we became friends. ...told me that I loved school that I wanted to work with youth. Said I had big dreams. Also told me that I love to sing....that I loved music in general. She told me that I always has this out look on life where I did not let anything bring me down.. .or something like that.

All the people that were there for the chili throwdown had left.. .and it was time for youth group. Which meaned that all the kids were arriving. A good amount of them hung out at my table. They were interested in why I could not speak. It is funny how some thought because I could not speak that I also could not hear. ...it is funny because I had sat there last Sunday and listened and responded as they talked. Some of them knew sign some of them knew the alphabet. They were eager to learn both.

The first part of the night was spent playing a type of Dodge ball game. Brooke asked me if I was going to play and I told her that I could not because my balance was not that great. Bailey wanted me to play bounce back with her but my coordination is bad to. I am A loser.

Bert came and say beside me. And me like Mark had that morning if I had had a good week. I shook my head yes. - Mark had told me last Sunday to have a good week. - He asked me if I was improving.. ..I told him a bit.
   We went back into the cafeteria and set down for the lesson. It was on the bags of trash that we have. Um.. ..the sin in our lives. And how Jesus died so that God can take that trash out of our lives and give us a new life. It made me think.

Of course this is stuff that I had been thinking about all day...God creation sin repentance.

I will finish this day in another post.
I need to do something with the day I have.

I do have one thing that needs to be said in this blog post and that is this:
I prayed before I went to bed. Something that Kurt had said in his lesson really made me think.
I know we all talk to others about our problems and that is mostly good. ...but he said how often do we really rely on God and live the way we are meant to? . ...I like to think that there is someone or something out there that could make a change in my life.. ..I may not be who I used to be.. ..but I do like to pray. And if there is a God and if I pray hard enough and try my best to be a good person until I figure out all this.. ..and even beyond that point. ..than eventually one of my prayers should be answered right? !

So I prayed before I went to bed. I prayed for Stephen and Ash and others. I do not pray for myself. I do not need anything. Sure I want stuff but that is nothing to ask God. ....the creator of all for.
Ya hello God I do not need anything but I want a burger and a shake and some ice cream.. ..
I wonder how many people basically pray to God like they are ordering McDonalds?
It is only fair since I am figuring things out that I pray for things that are needed. ..and not by me.

Maybe we should all spend time praying or mediating on the things we need or that others need. It makes sense.. ..life would not be a good adventure without the people that come into it.. ...therefore it is not all about us !

hope

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption winding in and winding out the shine of it has caught my eye and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated...

i went to be around 1045. i do not know if it was what was secretly on my mind or what but  i swear i could have crapped my pants in my sleep. no i was not thinking about crapping, lol. i had another freaking dream. i was in my room doing something and this black guy was over here for some reason. he was not supposed to be in the house but he was. there was screaming and i went to go help and he pulled out a knife and a gun and came after me.....that is when i woke up. i woke up at 1 on the dot, am that is. i was scared. i did not move for the longest time. i thought about crying, but did not. i thought about getting up and going and getting someone, anyone, but did not. i figured since i was in bed, and everyone else was a sleep and would not want to deal with the child part of me, that i would just go back to bed. so i did.
i woke up and watched the news with ash. i am really interested in this presidential debate thing. peopel do not understand that the presidency has been messed up for a long long time, so it does not matter who is in office by the end of their term, most likely they are going to be hated by most of the usa. i watched the express which turned out to be really good. than i did laundry and dishes and filled cadys water jug and i packed some. and then i have been watching dragon ball z. we had dinner which was good. i felt my tum doing a dance. and that has been my day.

i am moving back to st jo. at first it was hard. i did not understand, i thought i had done something wrong, i was scared. than i started to understand it. i had to talk through it. and after a few days it all sstarted to make sense, it all became easier. i started thinking of it like a really long visit, that soon i would be going home. i soon started becoming thankful for everything, EVERYTHING.
the first thing i had done was think about the bad things, and as days passed i started thinking about the things i could look forward to. the adventure that awaits me.

i love ash an stephen a lot. they are two of my heroes. they are amazing. i trust them.

hope. i think it is something that we forget we always have. we spend so much time looking and thinking about the bad things and what will happen if this does not happen, when we should be looking at the good things that are awaiting us. sure we cannot see them but we can be at peace witht he fact that something good is down the road for us.
i talked with bambam and she told me that when i was in the hospital that i did not havve much hope. but my friends gave me hope, they supported me, cheered me on, gave me a reason to have hope to make it thro.
we have our bad days we have our good days, but one thing i have found that helps me is that no matter what type of day it is i try my best to give some hope to anyone that needs it. it always makes me feel better. it helps me not be so stressed, worried, scared, but instead gives me hope, happiness, and most of all a smile.
it is a good habit to get into. we all know someone that could use a lil hope, and tho we feel like it is gone for us, there is no reason that we cannot give hope to someone else.

i want to challenge anyone who has read this blog post. my challenge is that for a whole week, anytime you feel over whelmed with stress, worry, sadness, or anything that drains you of hope, text a friend, call a friend, facebook someone, visit someone, and not just someone, but  a someone who is having a hard time, who seems down, who may just need a friend. spend 5-10mins talking with them, or make sure that you are really being there for that person. each day find a new person, and do the same thing, and make sure you follow up with the people from previous days.
it may seem like a lot but seriously it is not. you will be surprised how it changes your spirit, your attitude, your heart. you will find that hope lays in love and you find both those things in the worst part of any storm.

today

before today even began i was asleep, having very weird and dark dreams. lately my dreams have seemed so much like reality that it takes me most a day to tell whether they were real or not. it was a mangled mess last night, but let me tell you about it so you can see what i mean.

it was night time and i had just got done going through a store. the store was a dream itself bt not much i can remember. i got done and went out to the van full of girls. i hopped in the middle seat and we took off and started going down a street that is in my hometown. the driver was putting everyone in danger. there was screaming and everyone was freaking. i finally managed to put the e brake on and the car stopped. i hopped out to make sure everyone was alright and to take a breath of relief. the girl in the passengers seat in front made a comment to the lil girl i was holding saying look there is your mommys head. i glared at her and then looked at the lil girl i was holding and said do not listen to her your mommy is right here and as you can see i still have my head. i soon came to realize that most the girls in that van were mine. it went dark and next thing i know i am standing on the back porch with cady talking to someone. we went in an i went an sat on the loveseat. ash was getting ready to go somewhere and told jess to hand me something. jess said ok and then asked ash if she was going to give me a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug. jess said she is right there you can give her a hug. ash said no you can give her a hug she is not worth my time and as far as i am concerned she needs to be gone. jess laughed and looked back at me. i was in a bit of shock. it went dark again and i found myself looking down at my hand, there was blood all over it. i was confused. i know this is weird but my dream self thought there is no way i could have started my period yet. and then i looked around, there was blood all over the bath room. i was hurt. i walked out and someone hit me. i had not seen anyone else. i knew ash and stephen were in their room and who ever this was i did not want them getting to them. i felt something cold go into me and i looked down to see that i had been stabbed adn then it all made sense. i heard a loud noise and it sounded like it was in my dream but i woke up.

so i am going to skip ahead to this evening and then jump back to my day. it was so strange that i had had this dream esp after stephen told us about his dream. he dreamed he kept hearing noises in the house and that he was sure someone was in the house. then he heard someone being attacked and then two loud noises like gunshots. he said it seemed so real, that he had never had a dream like that.
maybe it is not strange. but i think it is since i am not on his meds. i wonder if we were both having the same dream just seeing different parts of it. if so, i will not lie, i am a bit freaked. i do not think i have ever heard of people having the same dream the same night outside of movies and shows. i hope that is all it is.

now back to the resst of this. i woke up and i decided that i was going to stay in bed. i was freaked and i was not sure if what i had dreamed was reality or not. i heard ash moving around, i had planned on getting up and eating with her. i was still trying to figure out if she had said that or not, and therefore i did not want to take the chance of walking out and ya. so i stayed in bed til 9 ish, i think. i got up, showereed and ate. i walked in to sit on the love seat and stephen just seemed mad. i sat down and thought about asking but did not. and then he spoke and i felt much better.
we watched a bit of tv. than ate. i finished off the cereal. i decided to get up and work on my writing somemore. so i did for a bit. then paint arrived and stephen went and painted and i did dishes. then ash got home. by this time i was back on the loveseat. that is where i stayed til dinner. dinner was good. i did not eat much but it was enough to satisfy me. after dinner we watched tv. now i am here writing this.

we watched greys anatomy and private practice. there were many aspects with both shows that i could relate too. esp the part with the Alzheimers disease. my granpa had that for a long time. i remember my granma saying stuff to me about how she would have to help dress him, help him do this or that, or how she would find him trying to go places or in the most random places. the show brought back memories that i had forgotten. i remember how he was. we would go to visit him and granma would have to explain to him who we were, who my dad was, and there would be times where we would have to leave because he thought we were lying to him. then it got to the point where he was not him anymore. the man i looked up to, the man i loved, he was not there anymore. the last time i saw him was in the hospital. we went to go visit him after getting out of foster care. he was so skinny and death was upon him. he could not speak and he could barely move. i walked in and being the oldest i went over to him. he smiled at me. granma asked him if he knew who i was and he nodded. he tried saying my name but could not. he raised his arm and wanted me to come to him. i did and he gave me a hug. i told him i loved him, hugged him and we left. i thought i would see him again, but the next time i saw that war hero was in a wooden box all dressed up. he was finally at peace.

anyways...

today was a good day. aside from the reality like dreams and the pain of some of the things i remembered, today was a good day. i spent most of the day with a smile on my face and or laughing. i was just happy. i remembered a lot of things today, which is good but most likely tomorrow when i wake those memories will be lost again. i would put them all in this post but there is so much i remember. i remembered some of college, some of the old me and god stuff, and there was other things, and it was a good. i did not tell anyone because i did not think anyone else would be excited like i was. i think part of why i was laughing was because of some of the things i remembered.
today was a good day. i was exhausted, and i was sore, and i had some other issues that were not good, but it did not damper my mood.
today was good. i got to spend time with some of the people i love and it made me happy. and all we did was watch tv, hardly even speaking. but it was good.

i would like  tomorrow to be just as good but who knows what tomorrow will bring. sunday will be good, i hope i get to go back to that church. sunday is also stephen and dustins birthdays. and ash said we celebrate those days. ok....so i double checked and i was wrong. i was sure tho i kept hearing stephen say it was 1/22 aw well. i am a goof. sorry. well it is my brothers birthday, my twin, and ironically the one i can almost always tell anything too. he will be 19.

anyways. off to bed i shall go. i am going to get up to spend the morning with ash. i think she misses me in the mornings but i could be wrong. i know that i have been horrible at not getting up.

paint

i was not sure what i thought about the yellow for the bathroom....and ash thought i did not like it, at first i did not, and then it dried. i think it looks good. i did not understand for the longest time how it made the room brighter. i do not understand the difference between white and yellow other than one was darker than the other. so is yellow brighter than white? well either way i like how the bathroom looks and what they did with it. it is much brighter in there.
today they are painting the other bathroom. i told stephen i fear for them, mainly because of the floor. so i told him that if they fall thro to let me know and i will be like alice.
the whole house has smelt like paint since yesterday and i guess i just got used to it. this morning i woke some and i could smell the paint, strongly. after i slept somemore, i woke up and let cady out, and i was thinking to myself, boy it would be bad if they kept both those doors closed.....i have seen them act silly, but well this could be interesting.

the last few days i have been debating over a choice that was mainly made already. i am at peace with whatever happens. i am still not sure what is going on in this aspect tho.

my brother got a puppy. i think it is a girl. it is mainly black and i think a pit. it is cute. i guess i was mistaken about where the pic i got was taken, because i kept asking how the other dogs, my and dads dog, got along with it. it took most the day before anyone gave me an answer. the pup is over at my sisters and my brother is going to move in with her...again. it will not work out well unless it is just them too. dad said he is going to fix the windows and the roof, and dead bolt the doors. i suggested getting a dog for the outside and putting fence up around the whole house with a no trespassing sign.

bambam and i have been talking just talking. she is a very interesting person, and tho we are so opposite in many ways, we share a lot in other ways.

i am excited about church, which is weird for me. i think one reason i like it is because i do not have to keep myself entertained, or have to worry about not bothering everyone else around me. this is one time where having my, as much as i hate saying it, mental defects is not a problem. in church that is. the other times that i went to church, i took my color book and colors, and i would always get these looks from all the older people. - are you serious? this is not the place for that. how rude. etc. - here i can go there and act a fool if i want and it is ok.

i have been sleeping a lot more than usual lately. there have been a few mornings where i was supposed to be up with ash and was not. i would either sleep through my alarm, my alarm would not go off, or i just was too tired. and i feel bad about it. this am i slept til 9, and i did not get up for a bit and then go back to bed, i slept for the most part til then. the last few nights i have been getting tangled in my blankets.

the night before last i had dreams where i was sure they were real. yesterday i was sitting on the loveseat and i was trying to figure out when something had happened, and then i finally decided that it had to be part of my dream. last night i had a dream based on dragon ball z. there was also snow. and then every dream it seems that i say something, and someone asks what did you say, and i think while i a aslee i was did not say anything, i had not said anything.

piglet and i tried chatting with video last night...it did not work out so well. so we are going to try again tonight. i think. she was trying to finish the book we had started. we got a bit through it, but i kept missing out on parts. i got it to where my head phones will work on my laptop, well that is for now. i cannot hear well my typing or some other stuff through these head phones, but i do not have the volume very loud.

i am almost through with dragonball z. i love this show. it is all about honor and perseverance. the fight between good and evil, and how it does not matter how small or big, young or old you are that you can make a difference!

i think today i am going to try an finish it, maybe read some of my book. tho i do love when others read to me, well i like to see what is being read also, it helps me get more into it, than just me alone reading. but i do like the books we are reading. i may work on my letters some more, i am getting better at them. i work for a bit every night before i go to bed. then i may finish reorganizing my room.

life - ......

life sucks. it throws curve balls. ones that hit you so hard that the real hurt does not even begin for days. it breaks hearts, destroys lives, tears apart relationships, and leaves you hanging by a thread, a very thin one.

that is what i feel like it is doing. i feel i am losing friends, and taht no matter  how hard i fight for them, they seem to be disappearing and the link that connects the friendship is weakening.

struggling is all that seems to be going on anymore. struggling to stay happy, struggling to live economicall, struggling just to get through every moment of everyday. and i know i am not the only one that can say this is true.

i wish i could stop the struggling, stop the curve balls, and strengthen the chain link. i wish i could take problems and make them disappear. i wish i could help bring back happiness and joy. i try. i fight everyday to make this happen.

if i could say anything to those that are struggling and them hear me, i would tell them i love them, tell them i am not mad, tell them that i understand, i would tell them i want to help, i would tell them how amazing they are, how they make my day, how they give me strength.

sometimes i feel like if i said anything tho, it would just make things worse. so i keep to myself, looking at talking to bothering no one.

i can only be who i am, nothing more, nothing less. life makes us who we are. we can change things and we can change who life makes us, but we cannot change life.

life is an adventure. whether good or bad, it makes no difference, how we deal with the ups and downs, and treat the ones around us during those times, is how we are molded into who we are.

Church

yesterday i went to church with shortie. the last few churches i had been too had been boring and i did not understand stuff. so i thought i would give another church a try. so shortie (amanda) and i both brought it up and asked to go together. she picked me up at 720ish, i had not slept hardly at all the night before, and what sleep i did get i was dreaming the whole time and it wore me out.
on the way to church the sky was amazing. it was um purple and pink. just wonderful! we got to church and shortie parked right over the ice. so when i got out i got out on ice. we walked a long way to the church, which is in a school, how cool is that?! shortie introduced me to kelly and others that were there. then we started setting up. we walked a lot and i stood a lot. when i had got up and around before she picked me up, my legs were killing me. they seemed fine while we were setting up. shortie and i walked back into the gym and we saw mcguire so i went up and surprised her. i think she expected it to be shortie, but it was me instead. lol. she was happy. things were getting set up and people were arriving. the pastor Mark walked in, and i knew him. he is a real nice guy. he knew who i was and greeted me. it was nice.
usually around large groups and esp churches or places i am scared but that was not the case here. i felt awesome.
we got set up and shortie gave me an apron and church was starting. we were back with the kids which was good. i stood most of the time...at first i was trying to go up and down with everyone else but could not keep it up. there was a lot of music nd dancing, no i did not dance or sing. i thought it was awesome when the music went down and you heard all the children singing, it was amazing. we split into groups. shortie told me to stick with her so i did. we got our group and sat down. one of the kids asked, who is he?, referring to me...and shortie was like this is my friend brittany, she cannot talk. all the kids then went to a phase of this is awesome, we must know more. so they started asking questions, and trying to sign. they spoke to me like they would each other, and one girl was like, i know some sign, i know how to sign cow, but i forgot how to do it. they were really interested.
we played a game and we had to build houses out of cards. well they got stumped and shortie was not around so i went an helped and it worked and then one of them messed it up. in the end shortie destroyed our house....what a jerk...lol. jk...it was her job. bt i think she enjoyed it a lil too much. they then played telephone game, but they had no phones.
we went back to singing and things. and then church was over. we picked up. there was this lady there named diona or something like that and she kept stepping in for me and speaking for me. she was awesome for doing that. i felt bad at first when i had to use my phone to talk to her but it turned out to be awesome.
i had a really fun time, and i am going back next sunday and the sunday after. i learned that there are 66 books of the bible 39 old 27 new. and that the bible makes me a mirror so that others may see jesus in me. i also learned the names of some of the books of the bible.
sara took me to meet kurt, so i could go to youth group. he was nice.

shortie and i left. the plan was to eat and then go to our own houses. we went to mcdonalds. - i was not sure about eating. i had been over run with nerves and my stomach was in knots. - i got a mcdouble and a water. we sat down to eat and shortie prayed over our food. a bunch of high schoolers came up to us an thanked us for praying in public. it was kinda awesome! i could not finish my food. we left and then shortie decided that she could put up with me for a bit longer so we went to her house. i picked covert affairs to watch, great show, and shortie slept thro most of it. i almost fell a sleep but apollo would not have it.

mcguire came an got me and we headed to church. we were sitting there in the parking lot waiting for someone to show up to let us in and there was this lady coming down the side walk jogging with her great dane. pure breed. he was huge! cady is big but he was BIG! someone arrived and they set up. brooke came in, and after about 10 mins of being around me, mcguire and i were talking, and brooke asks can she not talk.....we both said no. so mcguire asked me if i wanted her to tell people that when i was being introduced. i said sure. kids started coming in and my table became the popular one for every one. well church started and we had spaghetti...i ate a full plate of food. i then went with sara and the middle schoolers to play skizzim or something like that. it was interesting. we then went in to have our serious time. i sat at the back table with the pastors children.
the whole day bert adams kept coming up to me and asking me if i had been there before and he swore i had, i think he thought i was messing with him....but i was not. i kept shrugging i do not know. finally mcguire went and told him that i had had surgeries. he came over and sat right next to me. he told me how he had had a tumor and  i felt his scar. we talked for a bit and it was good just to talk. and he took a piece of paper and wrote i am glad you are here. i said me too.
it was funny how that had happened, as soon as he got up kurt started talking about scars. one thing he said is never let people make you feel or think you are worthless. i swear if i was a cartoon my jaw would hve dropped like it does on cartoons. what he had just said, the story about the lame man, i could relate. he said never let anyone make you feel or think you are worthless because of your wound, or something like that. - ever since the whole st jo thing, i had been feeling that way and because of the way things were going on around me, and the way people had been acting towards me all up to this point made me feel and think i was worthless because of my wounds, my scars. - talk time came. i sat there and made mustaches and unibrows and beards and funny noses with the lil girls. they started talking to me. one of them asked me for my pen, and i took it and pretended i had ate it. they thought i really had ate it. it was great. the oldest one is like i am going to find it and when i do...i am going to find it. talk time ended and church was over. laura came over and sat down and the oldest is like, i am going to dress you like a man!. it was hillarious. brook came up and asked me if i was going to come back and i said yes. everyone cleaned up and we left.

we dropped chelsae off and went to shorties. who had invited us over. val answered the door all confused as why i was there. i went and knocked on shorties door and went in. we decided to go somewhere. we went to mcdonalds. my phone had died right before youth group had started. so we were sitting there being goofy, or they were, i was hiding! it was a fun night.

that day was good. church had seemed to have been the only time that i was not over run with nerves. i really had a great time there. nice people. i could understand the stuff they were teaching. i felt like i belonged.

i asked mcguire about baptism, she went on like it was an auction. really fast. so i got it some, but decided i would ask someone else. i asked stephen. at first i thought, he is ignoring me, but i did not blame him. and then he did a good job at explaining it. and i mostly got it. and then he asked me if i was thinking about being baptized. i said i was not sure, maybe.
thing is that when baptism came up, it rang a bell in my head that said, this means something to you. so i think before everything happened i was thinking about it.
at church i felt like i belonged there. and the whole time it felt like something was tugging at me. most of the time when i hear talk of church, bible, prayer, god, or are listening to christian music, i feel like all weird inside. warm is one way to say it. so i am told that all this was a part of who i was and is still a part of who i am, even if i do not see it. i am interested in learning about all this stuff. it makes me happy and smile.

that day, the day of church, was a very adventurous day and i was glad i got to be a part of it!

decisions

my day has been alright. not good not bad but alright. i had a dream last night that i was on this stage in this i guess church, i had ran up there and stopped someone from praying and asked if i could pray instead. they let me and i started praying over a lot of things. it was crazy. i woke up and decided to read a chapter of a book by one of my fav authors. the same author that piglet was reading to me from. my stomach has been roaring most of the day. i ate 3 raw hot dogs, well cady helped with each of them. at like 6 this morning she was staring at me again when i opened my eyes, and then she started growling at me. ash let me play the wii with her after stephen decided he was done playing. came so close to getting thro the castle and completing it. it frustrated the crap out of me. i was going to rearrange my room today but it is just something that i cannot do. i decided that i was going to take a nap with cady, that did not happen, i was going to go out an join everyone else but they seemed to be having fun so i decided to watch never back down. i am writing this early, posting it early because tomorrow i have church in the am.

decisions to make was my status for mainly the whole day, well to be honest the last week or two. i have had a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make, ones that still need to be made. some of these decisions, as i have read thro my blog, have been tormenting me for months, now that is sad.

one decision i have to make is about my blog. whether to keep it or not. i am getting tired of apologizing for what i feel and think. i am getting tired of being told that i am wrong, that i should be ashamed of the way i make others feel. i got an comment from someone last night that really gave me a mouthful, i deleted their comment and i was not sure who it was from, but still. so in turn i feel even worse for feeling or thinking the way i do.so if i stopped this blog i would start up another one that focused on one subject would only have my thoughts and feelings on that. it would no longer be my day, my struggles, my happy times, or anyone, it would be things like ice cream, the letter a, the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater...and so on.

another decision i have to make is where will i be in the next month, two, or three. one thing that never leaves the back of my mind is will i even be alive in the next month, two or three. do not worry, i am not thinking of killing myself, but you know at any moment we could die. i am not so worried about it. going back to my dads in st jo would be hard, but i am fine with it if it comes to it. april is going to be a hard month, depending on what happens. i am not sure if i can stand those few weeks being there but, i will manage. i have too.


pt has been a thing i have been struggling with too. i have to decide on whether i am going to forget the physical stuff, and just allow my body to be what ever, or if i am going to try to find ways to improve. i have been focusing a lot on my writing and coloring and colors.

i have to decide on if i am going to continue on this talking thing. my throat hurts so much from it, and it is so hard to do. there are some words i can just say, and some that i work hard on an just cannot seem to get. maybe i need to work on saying letters and the different ways to say them.

and there are so many more decisions and things that i deal with on a daily basis, but they are not important.

i want to say this directly to someone and they will know who they are....if i say we are good, we are good, do not go around trying to hash something up that does not exist, cuz then we are not good. got it?!

if i have a problem with someone i will tell them. that is one thing i used to be so good at it seemed when i started this blog, being straight forward. i must have got soft or something, or i must have grew a heart.

life right now is uncertain, as almost always is. somedays are good, some are bad, some are ugly, some are light some are dark. some days i hurt, some days i cry, everyday i laugh, everyday i smile. my kid mentality makes this world so big and full of adventures, and i try to treat each day as a new one just waiting to be taken.

hide and seek

i watched something today and on it these two kids were playing hide and seek. it is a strange game to me but one that fits my day well.

i woke at 2 again. i fell back to sleep an woke up at six, or i should say i was woken by Cady standing right in front of me with her head on my bed panting in my face. i looked at my clock and it was 6. so i got up thinking cady wanted out, so i walked out of my room and into the kitchen. i did not understand why cady was not in with ash who was sitting at the table. i guess she was trying to tell me that i needed to get up and keep her master company. much company i was. ash got ready and left for work.
i came and watched some more dbz and then after stephen had showered i showered. the water stayed hot for about 3 minutes, but it was comfortable the whole shower.
i ate before i showered. before i do anything other than walk around the house i have to eat. if i do not i get weak and i cannot do anything. i usually eat breakfast. today it just made my day seem much better.
i was going to sit in my room for part of the day and do stuff but after stephen told me he could work his magic with my phone i decided to move to the dinning room for the day. it turned out that if he were to work his magic with my phone that my phone would break.
for about an hour or so things got tense. the whole time i was apathetic. which was what seemed to be the topic of the day.
i sat there and went thro my green tote thing, that is like my memory/treasure chest. i found a lot of stuff. i guess i learned some about who i used to be and with some talking and sharing things i remembered a few nonimportant things. there was this picture of me in middle school and , tho i thought it was stephen, jess said that i looked 7. and tho i still think it was stephen who said it, he told me it was not him that he thought i looked 4. so i showed him a pic of me when i was either 2-4 years of agei found a lot of pics of me in rotc. - i was in rotc for 4 years, i was on staff for 2, i was on a bunch of drill teams for 3, and i took it to avoid taking gym. - i also found a bunch of stuff from my senior year. i found some devos tht were printed off, which in turn led me to the blog i had created for them. i read thro the first one not knowing yet that i had wrote them, and i thought whoever wrote those had brains, and was very deep thinker. then i saw that they were written by baf inator, which is me, and i laughed. that may have been who i was but i am nothing like that now. i found a bunch of cards, a saved newspaper article of me from when i lived in the noyes home. - the noyes home is a home for children.i was there for almost year. i spent my senior year there. i do not remember much but what i have an am telling you is what i do remember. i left the home because something happened in teh home that should not have. - while in teh home i was interviewed and my photo and stuff made front page.

i made myself some eggs and toast for dinner....the eggs did not turn out good. i had asked stephen earlier if i could borrow some movies to watch, so i picked out a few. i wanted action/suspense, and wanted is that type of movie, but i feel weird watching it with others in the same building as me. i just do not know how people will react with it. so i watched crash. i need to rewatch it to try an get it fully. but it was pretty good.
now i am watching dragonball z again.

i keep thinking that i should be worried or stressed about things, but i am not. and it is nice. usu i am. and i mean, i have things to be stressed and worried over. today i have been apathetic about things. and it is kinda nice. i feel like i am free of a load.

tomorrow has no plans. i have been thinking about rearranging my room, and cleaning it up. i realized that i could shut the vent some, tho it was something i knew but ya, and now it is a bit better in here. shortie and mcguire may come hang out with me in the evening for a bit. and then sunday i am leaving at 715 to go to church with shortie. she warned me that it may take a lot out of me, and i said well then i might just have to take a nap in the middle of the whole thing. lol. i am going to be her shadow. i am getting better with being around people i do not know, but i still like to have someone i do know around, even if it is that that person is in the other room. it is security.

but i am tired, as i have been most of the day. i am going to go to sleep and dream of fairies and butterflies, and monsters and bad guys. somethings have been hidden from me like who i used to be, and i have been trying to seek them out. today i got a step closer to winning the game.

Cartoons

The last few mornings I have been waking up with my stomach killing me. I know part of it is hunger but though I am hungry I feel that if I try to eat anything it will only make things worse.

I went to bed after watching glee. I had decided Cady needed more water since she was almost out. I thought I better do it now because I will go to bed and forget about it . I had the 5 gallon thing in the sink filling up and Jess walks in and sees this and says,  you know you are not lifting that right?! It had crossed my mind but I had figured fill it half way and I might be able to.  Well Cady  got a full thing of water.
I went in my room and went to sleep.  I heard movement outside my door.  I started to jump out of bed. ....I thought I had slept through my alarm.  I was half way up and I grabbed my phone only to find it was 130 in the am. I layed back down and went back to bed.
I had weird dreams again.  One was I was with a guy I knew.. .we were friends living together.. .and we had company.  We were renting the house trailer like place.  I would randomly say stuff like sentences.  The people visiting would glare at me and I would apologize. It was a horrible thing if I tried speaking.  The people were leaving and I was so relieved.. ..and then my friend told them that we were buying the house. They were so happy and I was confused as to why. 
I had adjust dream where the were evil men or creatures chasing me. 

I woke up and went and set in the chair in the kitchen after I looked out and saw the snow. I had slept well.  It was chilly.  I am sure there is a draft in these windows. ...but I will fix that.
I spent the first part of my morning with Ash.  She went outside and came back to hand me stuff.. ..I do not know why but for some reason I thought she was trying to hand me her gloves along with other things.
I spent most my day on the love seat watching dragonball z and in the kitchen trying to get the dishes all cleaned before Ash got home. I was also going to make tea. I failed. I kept running out of hot water.. .and I am slow.
I am slow at almost everything. Eating, dishes, moving, thinking, breathing.. ..I take forever.. .though I usually do take my time.  Which means that often I suck at getting the things I want to get done in the day done .
So today I feel I failed.

I did not have a word of the day today.. .though the only word I have gotten on the day given was yes. Stephen told me to say lame ....which I can. I suck at this whole talking thing.. ..I seem to whisper more than talk. I guess it still scares me when I do say something. Also all the dreams where I start to talk and then get yelled at or glared at is not helping me. I am not confident in this talking thing. I would love to wake up one day and just be able to talk. that would be nice.

I talked with Tiffany strother for a bit. She asked me if I remembered school and I told her I did not. She told me about how her and I used to hang out and I asked her if I was a fun person to hang out with.. ..she told me I was silly and really quiet but we balanced out our friendship because she was loud. I told her well I guess I have not changed much since I am still really quiet. Lol. 

Today has been a good day.my legs have been bugging the crap out of me. There were times I just thought I was not going to be able to walk for the rest of the day. But I dealt with it and walked any ways.

My memory was improving but lately I have been forgetting a lot of stuff. ..it is insane.

I am sure I turned red so many times today from embarrassment when I forgot stuff. ...whether others noticed or not I could feel my face turning red.. ..I do hope that is the right color. It was not only embarrassment but shame,  I felt so bad especially at the dinner table.

I got a load of laundry done.. .so now tomorrow I can take a shower.. ...I need to buy another towel.. ..lol. ....I need a shower....I stink .

I think I an going to let some one else wash that big knife when it needs to be washed.. ..I tried cutting my finger off with it. Thankfully it only gave me a cut like that of a paper cut.
And I must hate walking or my came is sick and tired of me.. .it keeps falling on my feet.. boo

Speaking of my cane. ..lately I have been getting brave. I am walking to and from places that only require a few steps without my can.  I am sure my balance is improving to. It scares me but I am doing it.

And finally the point of the blog post title. ..I was sitting on the love seat watching dragonball z and Jess was talking with Stephen.. .I had got up give Stephen my phone and Jess says,  I am sorry I will try not to be so loud ago you can watch your cartoon.. ....... 0_o. ....!
anime is yes cartoon like but this show is no cartoon.....it is life.. ..it is hope.. ..it is amazing! And even more so I can fully relate to it .

I am weird and I do not care.. ..get used to it!

winter

it is offically here. i have been looking at all sort of radars and future outlooks, because i am a weather geek, and a lot of the coming next few weeks calls for snow and ice and coldness. and this kinda sucks, because the weather has been so nice and beautimus. st jo is being hit with snow right now and it is causing all sorts of problems. this storm stretches from middle of kansas to mid missouri. i have been watching it all night.

winter is here. which means snow, ice, sleet, ice, coldness, ice, and did i mention ice?! which also means.....i am glad i got out today and went places, because if it is going to be slick outside i will not be going many places. mainly because i do not want to slip and fall, and then end up in the hospital....again. and that would cause stress for my friends, and me, and it would be a mess...and cady would be sad because she would have no one to cuddle with at night....sadness! lol.

winter is here which means extreme cold is here which means pain will ravage thro my body and thro a lot of others bodys too.

o the joys of winter. one thing i am looking forward to, is maybe building a snowman. i have seen them on cartoons a movies and i want to build one. i think i have built one before but i do not remember. and maybe sledding?? i have never been sledding before. ok i am not sure of that, but i know i want to try it.
too bad winter was not here for christmas, it would have perfected things i think.
i am not going to complain. i love watching the snow fall. it has not really snowed, and i have not really seen much of it..but i bet at night it is really pretty. i would like to sit out on the porch one night for a bit, when the wind is not blowing like tonight, and just watch it snow for a bit.

today was a bit rough for me. i do not know why, but lately i have been more exhausted than usual..and i have not been sleeping well. i mean i sleep, but with my dreams, it is like i get no sleep at all. and this has made me cranky. which makes me a jerk. which makes everyone hate me. true story. no joke. in fact last night we had this conversation at santa fe. shortie, matt, and i did. and because i am tired and cranky and a jerk it means i let things get to me. so i spent most the morning beating myself up over a few things. i even facebooked my dad about something that was bugging the crap out of me...and it is official, i am a jerk!

i woke up this morning to ash walking around. my alarm had not gone off. i looked at my phone, it was not even on! i do not remember turning it off. i felt bad. i texted her and she basically told me to stay in bed. so i did. cady joined me but for some reason she was all wet so i made her get down. she spent most the morning on my floor.
i read my text messages and one was bambam had commented on my blog post from yesterday....saying my word for the day was nice. i did not realize that the word had nothing to do with the blog post. i just assumed that she was telling me i was being a jerk and needed to be nice....and then she corrected me and well i am still a jerk. it was funny.
stephen an ash have been painting the bathroom. it looks nice now that it is done. having a white door tho is something that i need to get used to. i do not think stephen likes the wood. i am sure he is trying to convince me to paint this room. lol. well i helped put a thing on the roller for the paint, and we were getting ready to go out and he was just standing there holding it, trying to figure out what to do. i took off my ring and walked over to him and grabbed hold of the roller thing, it was drenched in paint, and pulled it off. my hand was white. i had never been that white before, close to it, but not quite there. he was like now your hand is white...i was thinking the whole time, lord of the rings....which then would have made me a bad guy, again, a jerk. i helped him finish the door frame. ash got home and he went to take the tape off the door frame and it took the paint with it.
evening came, and i was not sure if they went to bed or not, so i was going to fix some spaghetti and then i realized that there were not enough noodles for 3 people..and then, i have no clue what i ate, but my stomach will tell me it is hungry one minute an the next, it will tell me it hates me. i think i need to start eating more chicken, or stuff with fats, for my brain. random yes, but it sorta fits here.
they came out of their room right after i finished washing most the dishes.....and i was kinda irritated with myself because i had set the silverware in the sink to wash it and forgot all about it. so i was going to wait a bit and wash it. it is still there, which means i can do it as i watch the snow fall. lol.
they started putting the door back on and stephen had the hardest time figuring it out. ah the stuff around here....there is hardly ever a dull moment.
jess got back from church and we went and got food. we stepped out the door and that wind is blowing. i checked st jo current stuff and it is 23 there but it feels like it is 5...and that is what is headed our way. that is almost a 20 degree difference and if it is that way in the morning you can bet there will be no school.
we got back and sat at the table....man that was some funny stuff.

there was a moment where my heart sunk. i showed ash what my brother had said and last week he had sent me a text saying something and in it he put mom. and then i sorta caught the look that ash and stephen gave one another and i felt even worse. i know i have explained it before. so i am doing it again. when my mom left us when i was 5-6 my aunt stepped in and we started calling her mom. i stopped doing that esp after my mom had died, but my sibs still do it. and it is an occasional thing that i do it too. it just made me feel bad and sad at the same time. i felt like crying. i felt horrible.

but i did not an am not. tho thinking about it i still feel horrible. it is something that you never get over. and if you have never lost a parent, than you will not understand. and if you had never had someone fill in as a parent then you will not understand for a second time.

i had a good long talk with jasi today. and i talked with nicki for a bit. they were both good. i needed a good long talk, well it was semi long. i think i pissed her off. boo on me....it is a part of my job duites as a jerk.

i worked on nice all day. even good. not aroudn people. for some reason sometimes when i try to say something it will only come ot as a whisper and it is hard to get voice into it. after a while i just started saying hi to cady over an over an over again. she was happy about it. tho she prob had no idea what i was saying. i have failed at every word bambam has given me. i am a failure. lol. but i do try. it is just hard to try around others.

i am off to bed. going to watch gohan kick some cell ass and then going to get under my warm covers. it is cold in here. i am sure there is a draft. and it is sad for me to say it is cold in here when most nights i leave my door open and my fan on 3 and i am still smuthering. and i do not mind, because i figure everyone else in the house has huge rooms so they do not get as warm as mine, so if it bugs me too much i can just go sleep on the couch. i think i am allowed to do taht. lol.
ok. bed. i have a ton of dishes to do in the am. and i made sure my alarm was set so i can get up and have breakfast or sit with ash. and i have laundry to do.

after a long hard struggle with myself today was contentful. and exhausting! i am hoping when i wake up there will be snow on the ground, i know peter will be happy about that!

boredom

yesterday morning i got up with ash and ate breakfast with her. i then went back to sleep for a bit, i think, i do not really remember. i know tho that stephen text me and asked me if i wanted to start on working on pt an other stuff an i said sure. .... well taht did not happen. the day started good and then it went to bad, but i made a choice that i was not going to let it affect my attitude. i will not go into details about anything because it is not my business to tell but things around here have been rocky.
well then that morning i thought it would be a good idea to use facebook as a tool to help a friend stop smoking. i was assuming their roll and instead of helping it made things worse an i had people convinced that i was a smoker. i do not think i have smoked a day in my life. with the crap taht i went thro and the way my health is there is no way i would even start. i think my next thing that i will try to convince people of on facebook is that i am black. no joke.
than stephen ran away an hid....i thought about getting onto him about it, but i decided that i would be nice. he hid an jess ran away, i think there is something wrong with me. even cady wanted nothing to do with me. well i decided that i would work on some sort of pt myself. so i picked up the coloring book that i had got with kara and nicki and i grabbed my new huge box of crayons, and i sat o n the loveseat and decided that i wanted to make stephen an ash smile even tho they were not having a good day. i picked superman an wonderwoman and i decided to hold the crayons a different way an color with one hand, the hand was not my left hand. it was HARD! it took me a few hours to color the pictures but i did it. i gave them too them and ash kept on asking me if i was sure that jess had not colored them....i just worked my ass off on those, really?! stephen said he was proud an that he was going to frame them an hang them up, which i doubt, but we will see.
i ate some ice cream and m an ms.
stephen an ash left, and i got sad. so cady an i went an layed on the pallet i made on my floor. they got back and told me i stunk and had to take a shower, or i had to go stay out on the porch....no joke...ok...it is a joke. i took a shower and then layed on the loveseat and hung out with every one. we watched pan am, once upon a time - which was awesome, the only thing i did not like (okay i love suspense) is when they show something big happen and a choice that has to be made and cut to commercial, i went balistic, but it was a good episode - and rizzoli an isles - it was a repeat episode but it was a good one. what is funny is i have gotten everyone in this house hooked on a few different things, i have a influence here, and it is funny to watch.
i made ash toast an i made 2 pieces for myself an a sanwhich. i was in a really good mood, and jess said i was dancing.......ummmm ok...so i could not help it, i was in a really good mood.
i did dishes and over all i had said yes an no a few times that day. i went to bed.
this morn there was no need for an alarm. but i was up at 5. then 6 then 7 and then 8. i had some weird dreams. one dream i took stephen an ash's suv for a drive and i sucked, it was funny to see the reactions of everyone inside an out side of the car. then i was being chased by something. then i had a dream where me an this older couple, i knew them, went to this ice arena, and we kept going up to get on this ride where you stood and slid down...so you walked up basically to do the same thing down....i got off when i realized it, and went outside to go home...the older couple came over and the lady decided that i did not need my cane because seh was going to help me to the car....a suv...and i was like this is not a good idea, and she said it w ould be fine...well we started and she was not good support and i fell....i got up only to get  hit by a car. then i had a dream with these two lil girls i know i knew...and i was disciplining them and they were on these huge slides and i went down one of the slides only to disappear. the night before i had a dream about being in a tornado, and then i was in the hospital hallway on a gernie and kara was there with me sitting next to me holding my hand.... so all these dreams has me thinking i am in for something bad soon. it is crazy.
so i got up and went to the living room an ash an stephen were sitting on the love seat....i sent them a text - so here is the scoop, yes this is a rabbit trail or tail or whatever, i decided i was going to work on talking, and i have a word everyday to say, but i am so used to not speaking that i just automatically do not. well my word for today was good, which has not come out even close to that, and besides trying to say it i have not said one word today at all to anyone, o wait yes i did, and so bambam gives me a word of the day an i am to say it, now there is a goal to this too - i sent them a text asking them to help me by saying whatever the word is often so i can hear it an try to get it, and to also tell me to use my words instead of not.
they got up an started painting, so i went an watched a movie or finished it. well that is what i spent most of the day doing is watching movies, and watching them paint, while getting drowned in teh smell that the paint was giving off.
evening came an shortie text me to hang out. i was excited. we went out for dinner an i met her friend matt. he is cool. it was very entertaining and i tried the burrito santa fe..next tiem i will try the chicken. then we left an came home, and ash stephen an jess had spaghetti, my fav, without me, it was sad. i was sad. ah well there is left overs. we played uno an mcguire showed up. she finished my hand and won the game while i tried to skype with piglet, but it did not work. boo. on me. we then played the board game that i got as a gift. i won, all by guessing....it was all luck. lol. then they left an it was sad. ah well.
i had told ash that i love her, i whispered it but i said it. shortie got me a small bear or dog, i am not sure which it is, and simon says, which i hope i can play, it flashes....so i hope it does not cause a problem.

today i was up an down with my attitude, it sucked. i was getting so frustrated. i get so bored and i was ready to do anything today an go anywhere...just to do it. i was disappointed when i did not get to end up helping paint. then i got frustrated when it seemed that they could not talk at the table because i was there. then , even tho i know she was joking, i was kinda frustrated when ash asked me about the color of the bathroom and i had not said anything and she was like well i do not care what you think. it just sucked to hear that. so i decided i was going to stay in my room, because ash an stephen were doing that together and ya...and that way everyone could talk, esp since i cannot talk, i am not part of a lot of the convos that happen here. i think it sucks. and i was just frustrated an i am pretty sure i was just tired....so cranky. but i tried so many times to take part in stuff and just gave up.

i know ash an stephen are gone all day an all they want to do when they get home is stay home..and then i know it is also easier to just go an do stuff without having me to slow them down....but i am here all day, and when they get home an say they are going somewhere i usu really hope they ask me to go along just so i can get out....and i do not ask because it seems rude an bothering to me. but the last few days it just has been driving me crazy. i am bored..and i want to get out, see people, go places....what is sad is a trip to the store usu wears me down. so i want to get out to wear myself down. i was glad when shortie decided that going out to eat was a good idea. i was happy when her an mcguire decided to stay a bit an hang out. i know part of it is me, but ash an stephen get home and spend all their time together, and it is easy for jess to join in and all that, but me, i feel like i am being rude, and in a way selfish. i want to give them time to them, so i leave them be, but then that leaves me an the dog....which is ok, but she sleeps, almost all the time. sigh. ah well. maybe i will take cady for a walk. kill myself in the process but at least i will be doing something an be out of the house.

i know that was dumb an sselfish to say but it is how i feel, i just want to see people an have interaction, play games or color, or make something, and going places gives me a bit of a breath of somthing else air. i mean, am i really being bad to ask that every few days or so we do something or that we go somewhere? sigh, i bet the answer is yes. i would sit out on the porch with the dog for a bit but it is cold an i am a bit scared.

and this pt thing is not working too well. all too often i feel like i am left to do it on my own. which is fine, i will learn, and get better at some things. sad thing is i think my legs are getting weaker, they just hurt more from just walking from one end of the house to the other...but i try. and i will continue to work on it.

tomorrow i am going to do something. because tomorrow is wednesday and not thursday, like i thought. the other day i forgot how to use my phone, i was sitting at the table today an i forgot how to eat a hot dog, it is sad. tomorrow i am going to do some pt. tomorrow i am going to do a load of laundry. tomorrow i am going to do dishes. tomorrow i am going to take a nap. tomorrow iam going to take my vitamins. but what if tomorrow never came, truth is it never comes, it is always today...today i am going to bed.

i am not strong enough pt 2

so yesterday i did not finish my blog because one it was already really long, two probably repeated a lot of things over an over, and 3, i seriously thought i was going to puke, so i ended it.

yesterday after talking with stephen a bit we both decided that a blog post might do us both some good. well i should have waited to write it til today. than it would prob have still been as long but more organized an today i do not feel like i have to puke every few minutes.

i felt so horrible yesterday, it was worse than all the other days. i could not walk straight, my ears needed to pop all the time, my head was full of pressure, i was dizzy, throbbed with pain in my stomach an my head, i was shaking so bad, i was for sure that i was going to puke, passout, and fall quite a few times. luckly the only thing i did was stay off my normal balance most of the day. i even went into the bathroom several times an just sit next to the toilet waiting to puke. i went from starving an being so hungry to i cannot eat.
i felt so bad that i kept texting piglet back an forth o i think i can come over, o no my body hates me i cannot come over, i finally said my body is bipolar an i am going to come over anyways an spend time with you. well that an jasi convinced me to do so!

so yesterday after eating most of what i got from taco bell, i talked with jasi for a bit an she helped me realize some things, and she also convinced me to go visit my friend for a bit. so i texted her an told her i was going to come over when ever she could come get me. so i was expecting it would be in the next hour or two. well ash got home and i was sitting in the kitchen not sure if iwas going to puke or not. her an stephen sat in the living room for a bit an then i asked to go in.
 - i have felt really weird since i have been back and i have been staying out of the way, thinking i was making things easier. but i soon realized with help that i was only making things harder. -
   they said i could. we sat there an watched fish hooks for a bit until stephen realized it was not spongebob and then i turned it. we watched the final episode of wizards or waverly place. i am sad to see the show go, but all good things must end to make room for crappy shows.
i sat on the couch for a bit as stephen an ash went to make food. i then felt horrible and text piglet saying i was going to lay on the couch an she could wake me up when she got here. dinner came an i was not going to eat. i had about fallen asleep on teh couch quite a few times. i decided taht even tho i did not feel well, that i did not want to eat, that i was tired as hell, taht i was going to go and sit at the table with every one just to be around them. i am sure i fell asleep a few times at the table but the conversations were hilarious. i was not laughing tho because i was too busy trying to fight staying awake while trying to fight going to sleep. after everyone was done eating stephen looked at me an said are you sure you are going to be able to go to piglets, i shook my head no. or i think he asked that, it was something like that. i got up an went an did something...ash is like you need to go to bed. i wanted too, but i was not going to pass up my time with piglet. i was walking back into the dining room and i about fell into the wall. i had to grab the door frame to stop from falling. i finally just sat at the table in teh kitchen and waited there for piglet. everyone else went to their room.
after about an hour i was readdy to go to bed an was about to head ther when piglet showed up. i let her in and she wrote down some stuff and then we left.
we got to her house and her dad an brother were there. i turn around and there is shortie. i sit on the floor an petted the dogs. the pup was scared of me at first, and when they had first got her she had fallen in love with me, i finally moved to the couch and shortie was freezing so i wrapped my arms around her and warmed her. i was not cold but she was shivering. she started reading yesterdays blog post. piglet an everyone else were packing. the pup warmed up to me. natalie walked in and sat well for a bit on my lap a bit. i showed her how to play one of the games and i helped her out.
shortie finished reading my blog post and then took my arm and cuddled with it. she started talking to me. at that moment i felt every care in the world disappear. i had not felt like that for a long time. and it was strange because there had come times with piglet an ash that i was close to what i was feeling, and there were times that shortie and i had cuddled, but for some reason this time was different. i like cuddling and i would do it a lot more, except no one wants to cuddle....except cady, and she also wants to slobber all over my face. lol. i think at that moment that i was getting exactly what i needed. and all shortie was doing was cuddling with my arm and talking to me, reassuring me of stuff.

sometimes i try to be the grown up that everyone sees in me. and i will say all the time i just need to grow up....but truth is, i need to let me be who i am no matter what age that is. and i need to be okay with it.
i think shortie knew that i was a scared lil kid trying to understand everything that was going on, and when a lil kid is scared you hold them an you reassure them. maybe i need more of that.

shortie and natalie left and carl had got home. coco started freaking out about it. she wet herself. reminded me of bubbles. the pup had been laying by my legs her head on my feet. it was funny, she was going home with eric piglets dad but when he tried to get her to go to him or went near her she ran and jumped up on the couch with me. there were a few times i had both dogs up there with me. i think they thought of me as someone who would protect them and that made me feel good.
esp since the last few days i had felt like a failure, like i was putting everyone else in danger, and that i could not protect anyone including myself.
finally piglet came an sat down. we visited for a bit. then she took me home. she did not walk me to the door like she usually did, we hugged and i told her i love her.
i went to go inside and i could not get the screen door open and i knew that i had not locked it. i text jess and asked her to come let me in. she did. she said the screen door was not locked....i had never had trouble with it. cady was happy to see me....tried running me over a few times. i was so tired that i fell a sleep on the couch. then i woke up to ash moving around. i thought i had set my alarm but had not. i felt horrible. i sat on the couch the whole time. even turned it to the news for ash. she left and cady an i moved to the love seat. i was not planning on falling back a sleep. cady got between me and the couch and i fell asleep. i kept getting those shakes that i had had the day before. they kept waking me. i thought yesterday and this morning that i was going to have a seizure at any moment. i had warned piglet before hand taht i may pass out or have a seizure and she said it would be nothing new in her life.
i do not mind falling in front of people, tho i do not want too, i would rather fall than have a seizure or pass out in front of people esp my friends. i do not want them freaking out. i pass out leave me where i am , or move me out of the way, i have a seizure....leave me be i will be fine.
i heard movement an cady kept popping her head up, stephen was awake. i layed on the loveseat for the longest time. i felt much better today, but i am still tired. i mean i still have stomach pain and my head is still hurting, but both are not as bad as they were yesterday.
i spent most of the day talkign with stephen, watching him clean his room, and talking with bambam. bambam an i talked a long time. i am thankful for her. there was one point where she had said something and i was pissed....i think i was more hurt by it than anything, but i got over it. i love talking with bambam cuz most the time when we talk we talk. it is a conversation. i may write her a book but she writes one back. and we work thro stuff this way. which helps me a lot. she said i can come live with her. and that i do not have to be normal because she herself is weird. it is true. i think it would be cool to go live with bambam for a bit. stephen keeps talking about moving to seattle and oklahoma and i would love to do both.
bambam is bambam because she conquers? a lot of things and makes the bad go away. she is good at beating stuff up. she is my bambam because she always helps me bam the tough stuff.

this last week had been hard an i had no idea how to deal with it, so i dealt with it the only way i knew how to, and that and other factors mad things here a lot more stressful. well today i changed that. and i am going to start changing other things too.


i spent the rest of the day running around the store with everyone. there were a few things we forgot, like tape, toothpaste, gloves, batteries, an dog food. so stephen an i are going to have to go back to the store in the morning.

dinner was entertaining, as usu. now i am getting ready to go to bed. i am trying to convince shortie an mcguire to come over sometime this week. hopefully they will both start coming over a lot more. hopefully sometime soon i am going to get to skype with bambam and debbie cockram and piglet.

any ways. this baf is tired, relieved, almost not sick any more, and ready to start working on getting myself back to decent normalcy.

i am not strong enough to do any of this on my own. i try, and i fail. i am thankful for those that remind me of this very thing. i cannot move forward on my own, i have to have the strength of others to help me get where i am going.