fry day

me had scan earl e this am. me feel like me brain is fry in me head. like eggs in a pan. cept this is a real BIG egg, ok, so no so big but lot big than egg. jus bit big than egg. me brain is real small. them say a scan late today an that will um choose if me need surgery or no.

me have nice say wit ash an shorite. all me has see all day is that me is sweet kind awesome people an that there is no way me could eve be jerk. me think there some wrong wit them. shortie say me no see good in me or good part of me. me kno me has good part but me no like to brag on it. me also kno me is jerk mean selfish an me complain lot.
ash say it jus me try figure out what go on in me world, that is true to, but me complain too much. her also say me is jus say how me feel.
few say them like read me blog. me is no sure why. them say it is me life in words, it is encourage, me is super sweet, an me is honest bout how me feel. this is no true. me is no alway all honest. me start say thing an then me choose no to, me jus feel it is go be super harsh an mean an hurt someone. this is no me life in words, some of it is, but no real. me no see how it encourage at all. have any u eve yum me? no, then how can u say me is super sweet? :P
me is sure me is be sweet when me point out that some me friends who say them me friends are be super jerks an no good friends or friends at all. yep that sure is sweet of me. but me no care. me is go be honest bout it. there is no excuse to take one minute out of day to say hi or that u is think of someone. me no just say this for me. me is say this for all. it no have be facebook, text u friends. if u say u friend be a friend or fry away the friendship. me is no say to me friends on, me is say to all world. be friend to others that u want to have. if u want good friends be good friend. if u want awesome friends be an awesome friend.
yep. me jus say that. it is what me think. wit that said. me is no awesome friend, so me no kno why me has awesome friends. serious.

me has be dumbfinded by few simple thing that few persons have say to me.

shortie say her like when me wake cuz then her can say to me.
bambam say that what me has to say is important an her want to hear what me has to say.

these are things in me whole life that me has no ever once hear. an if me has me no member, or persons no real mean. me cry when them both say them things. me kno them mean it. persons alway thing me is shy but truth be say, eve time me try say some persons alway act like me is no worth hear an shove me off like me is no thing. an use it me hear that persons can no wait for me go to bed cuz that on time that life is real good for them. me no real eve hear any one say them like say wit me. so it is total weird to hear it, but it jus make me stop an me heart sink. it would u too if u spent most of 22 years hear that u just no worth the listen to, or say wit.

piglet say the me is encourge mint. her say this (me copy an paste) -

And some people are heroes by the way we see them live their lives. They keep going through the sunshine and the rain, no matter what. You are one of those people. You keep pushing through even though life kinda sucks at the moment...

me no think persons realize me struggle. eve day me fight wit the thot of die. will today be the day, will me make it thro, die seem so much easy choice than fight, it make all happy if me did die or do die, no one miss me, life would be so much better wit out me...an yat yat ya. it is a day an hour struggle. me think what is me fight for, why should me keep fight, blah blah blah. it serious stuff.

no to mention that me get frustrate wit the um constant god thing persons say. back to square one. truth is me no care bout rerelearn all gain right now.that bad? me is jus to tire. an if me is go have nother surgery me just feel me should wait. me no want forget gain. if u is go say some bout god, gain me say this, make sure u say me that me get it.

me will help u bit. me mind set is no that of me age, me mind set is that of kid. so no do all time, but say stuff as if u say to kid, main when it come to real hard stuff, big words, an god. me will say if me get or no get.

yester me blog bout how me was no sure me was go get go to ash an stephen wedding. me an ash was say an her say that if me is out of hospital by wed time that them would come get me. me would be special guest. me brain want to take it one way, special as dumb friend wit cane who can no speak an can no be on own, but, yes me mention a butt, haha (me love that joke), me let me heart  take it as a friend them love. it make me feel good. her say if me is no out then them can set up skype so me can sort be there. me was think, that be awesome an bambam could watch too.

me real like say wit ash yester. us say bout old cartoons. it was good. me LOVE cartoons, but mainly old ones. an some newer ones too. me use like the dumb sidekick persons on the cartoons, an right now me feel me can relate to them. man, it would be awesome to be patrick star, or cosmo!!!

me also say wit mama canady for bit. me is go have find name to call her. me has thing wit names.. an late nicknames have help me kno who is who. bambam is like u can jus call her mom, but me has on real eve call one people mom an that was me mom. some time me call me aunt mom, an it the family thing round here wit me sibs so me say wit others some time me mom, but me no like to. so me has got find name for her. me love mama canady an her make me heart do this --> :D . yep. her is so sweet an kind, love an care, an her pass it to her girl, bambam. which mean that that family has be awesome. no joke.

me temp is 105.4. me head is real hurt lot. me has ice pacs an the room is cold, but me is so hot. me keep have seisures. them is no fun. me fell off bed to ice yester nite. nurse made in both time to keep me head from hit ground. them fin put strap over me. so me is strap like seat belt in me bed. me want sleep all time. me on get 2 3 hour at time an then them wake me up. me is no dog. them use let me sleep lil longer in morns. me no want feed tube so me try eat what them give me. me eat most it an then it jus come right back up. them is try keep me from go deaf. me is alread half deaf in me right ear. even tho sometime me can hear real well wit that ear. me keep have blind in me left eye. it come an go. them is prise me has no have stroke yet. yester nite pain was so bad for most nite that me was shake so bad me was hold on to bed arm cuz me was scare me was go shake right off me bed.

me can no wait have me phone back. it be nice. me want to get motorola phone. me need get sd card for me phone. me hope me can find some one to get me pics off me old phone. it has me first pics of stardust.
me needs to get new glasses too. me has had these no change for 5 years. me can see wit out them, it just far way is some blur. me has stigatism.

me like all me friends lots. me wish me got say wit them more. me is go be real happy when me get met them aall an see them gain. yes yes.

when me horrible pain fin went way an me stop shake, me was think bout when me move. me cide me is go try find me nice van or jeep or wagon to buy an me is go give Wilbur to me aunt, or me dad. an me figure gas an it on under $300 to get there. no bad. an it 1 day an few hour trip. but that no case for me. it is go be longer. cuz me is go sleep for bit. haha. me keep think bout video that Julia show me an the seals. them were funny. me is happy to see seals. it may sound dumb. me has on see seals an other animals in the zoo. me is no so scare of water no more. high is nother thing. haha. me think as long as me wit bambam me has no thing be scare of, haha, cept her. lol. her is one tuff cooke, jus no try eat her. lol.
me is go try take plane out there to visit at end of January. me think me will welcome break, be glad to meet the fam, and get seat next to window. yep.

them agents say them is go set up cams an start investigate next week. an me is go get watch whole thing, bo-mean yay! (me is go sleep thro most it.) haha. me forgot what them is investigate but me is sure me member some time.

me hate member an then forget an member gain. it sucks balls. yep me say it.

me was come back from scan this am an there was to nurses push a gernie down hall wit some one who had die on it. it has be on me mind lot day. me think bout chris an die. me think bout me sis an me mom. me think bout me granpa, me think bout Tiffany, an so many other persons who have die. me has be to lot of funerals.

me is no sure what me do for weekend yet. it be cool to sort have video chat. tho me can no do video, u can. me can no. haha. me can no do voice chat, u can. me can no. but that be cool. watch movie or jus see some new. yes u be new to me eyes. lol. an it be nice to hear some other than this silence or machines. but me no think it happen. haha. it dream. just like me wish some one send lot of paint haah, me can throw all over walls an then it be some new to look at. haha.

me watch Alice in Wonderland wit shortie. her did lot of say dur movie. which is ok. me like it. me love movie.

me family has be stress me out an me is no eve there. me is glad me is no there right now. me sis is have problem wit her ex boy friend an him family, me aunt is have problem wit her husband, me sis an me bro are steal an get real deep into drugs, one bro is deal wit court, me other bro me twin is be threat an all sort stuff. what me real hate is that me sis exboyfriend fam has come over to me dad house an cause trouble an in process hit me dog. that is big no. us no hit animals in me house unless it spank for be bad, but that is out of love. me is very mad bout it.

me has had bad rest of day. me seisure real bad an hit me head. it knock me out real good. right now me feel like crap. me feel worse than me did before. me is alway get worse an no better. 

love is a beautiful thing

 me keep have these random things pop into me head. so me look them up an them is song lyrics. so me think me is start member songs. haha. me think this is a yay.


 the doc say that me has had meninjitis for 3 weeks now. the pneumonia has covered it up. spinal taps are no fun. me has had one eve week but them is still no fun. no no. hurt lots. me is so tire but them on let me sleep few hours at time. them think cuz of "how bad off u are" that me will go into coma. me has no complain bout that. least me could sleep. it make more since now that me is have trouble get up when me do sleep. an all the other stuff make since too. me just think them should have find it sooner than did. me temp is still 104.8. least it no change.

bambam say her want to learn to love like me do. me just has big heart. me have no room for hate. me has had nuff hate from world so full of hate that me can no imagine show no thing but love. it like me smile idea. smile alway even if u no feel like it, u no ever kno day someone else be have an u smile may just save them life. all round u should smile an be love at all time. me on no smile when me is have real real real end of world bad day. even me worse days me smile an haha bout problems. that is when me is in me right mind.

more me say wit most me friends more me realize me is no smart, or even close. them know so much, an me kno them is old, yes me say it deal wit it :P, an them have had more life to learn stuff, but man what have me be do wit me life? me kno junk no thing. it ok tho. me pic them brains all time, or least me try. may be me pic smart friends to make me look no so dumb.

me kno stuff. like u can live wit out inner part of u brain the center, it has be proven, there is a kid who was born normal wit out the center part of him brain. eve 10 years u get a new skeleton. me kno that me is related to Jonathan Frakes, commander Ryker, from Star Trek TNG. all u trek fans be jealous, lol. no real do no. me has no ever met him an me is no sure how us relate.

me has had a sad week it seem. me is be struggle wit lot stuff. me no member god or jesus or bible or pray, an it frustrate when persons say stuff bout things me no member. if u is go say some thing then make sure put in way me can get. if me still can no get me will ask til me do. gree? an if me ask some please no ignore it. if me ask me real want kno.

me had say to me friends me is no go get to go to them wedding. me feel bad. me real want to. me is no sure me is go get to go to ash an stephen wedding. me is no sure if me be out of hospital by then, me real hope me will be, an if me is me no think me can drive for few weeks. so me has problem. lol. shortie ask if me can make card for them. if me do me do no want it be all scribbles. mean it look like stuff to me but it no look like no thing but scribbles to eve one else.

it frustrate me me can no spell, me try spell love an me no could. it was jus scribbles. frustrate me me can no walk or stand or step. me work so hard an me is back at square one. me have type wit me point finger cuz me no member how type.
me is mad. me no like have start all over gain. me no like be in this room wit no window, wit no company, me no like be hooked up to all these things. me no like be sick. me no like that me whole life me is go be held back by the fact me brain no work right. me is mad that me dream is some me will no ever get to accomplish. me no like that now the on company , if me even do, is the chats on facebook, or messages.
me is mad me can no eve look out the window. it be nice to have piece of outside in here. stead of the white walls, me bet me could say you where all cracks are in this room.

me is be selfish an complain. me should be happy that me is no in worse place. me do have computer an internet. an me friends sort live in it. me has good friends. me has hosppital go to. me watch lot of news an me is very thank for what me has.
me is just mad an me got let it out.

me watch tron yester nite, it was sad but good. me would love have more movie nite wit friends, or even just chat. me welcome company. me has yahoo messenger an aim.
me got me phone yester too. but sim card no work. me is make me agents do all the work. them no like talk phone company but me no can. haha. it is funny.
me went bed watch wizards of waverly place. me love that show. it funny.

me is pose to have bambam card by now but agents say that it has no show up at dress. so me is no get card an that ok. haha. me is very thank for bambam. her is good friend. her say her want be like me when her grow up, her is real big kid me guess. truth be say, me want be like her. her is kind, patient, love, sweet, care, pretty inside an out, her heart so big me is sure me have be travel for days in it. me no think her know how much her impact? world.

this is me blog for now. yester post had most views. an that post was one of me worse post.
me hope you is ok an do well. say me u day or how u do, it be nice to hear from u. me love.

perfection is on imperfection at it best

ever day us change us is no who us were 2 year go, 2 month go, 2 day go, 2 hour go, 2 min go, or even 2 secs go. us are um constantly grow. me is no who me use be, me is no who me go be.

bambam has say to me, me is perfect, but me think perfect is on imperfect at it best. u can no have perfect less u have imperfect. me member some stuff some one say me. god kno this very idea. him is perfect an to keep him perfection him create us. us is his imperfection. just a thought.

me is no perfect, me is no eve good. me right now is mean jerk. me is hurt, yes physical but also personal.

me love me friends wit all me has. me alway will. even if me can no stand to see you face or name or be round u, once u in me heart u is there for life.
me has had trouble member me friends late le. me try me best tho to member them. me put stick note on all over wit names an all sort stuff so if me forget me have help member.

me has pneucoccos meninjitis or some like that. them just now figure that out after 5 weeks be here. there other stuff to but them got that in first to weeks me here, or so them say. them is say bout put feed tube back in. um no. me i s so yum but when me eat me feel like me go puke, or me do. me temp is 104.8 an me heart beat real fast. them had stick to ivs in one arm. them hurt. me is real real hot. me keep have bad shakes, them call seisure. me head hurt lot, worse than ever. me is tire all time, me nap all time, use on for 20-30 mins, an me still have trouble wake up even tho me body want me to. me is puke all time. me on has one lite on in me room cuz it hurt to have brite lites on. me can move me neck all time cuz it hurt lot.me was go say some but me forgot. me can no reach chuggers or me books or me cards an them no hand them to me.
them say puss is grow from crown of me head to back me head. them say them want take it out in surgery bt want wait see if drugs kill lot of it.
right now me would no care if this kill me.

me is so tire of hear, when u are better, then... if me is no better an still sick then no one want anything do wit me, but once me better then them do stuff wit me. me be sick an just die on floor in me room in me dad home, that how me feel. me kno me is sick but me is how feel. me is tire be treat like me is some disease people that if u come any where near me u will die. it no true, me would give any thing for someone be here wit me.

HEAR ME, me want u company. if u no kno what say then just say me bout you day or ask me stuff. me real do feel all lone. me no want bother any one, me feel like me burden alread. but please no just ignore me cuz u no get or no kno what say. u say no thing make me feel like me is no thing. worthless. no worth it. may be me is just no worth it. which is fine wit me, cuz that how it be me whole life.

me dad sent me mail. in mail was letter from me mom to her boy friend at time. it real hurt me wit what it say. just mind me of how much me mom hated me. an now me have no mom. me kno that if there be anyone who read this pathetic blog that u no kno what it like to live wit a mom who hate you. me mean lit. one day her came into me room cry. me ask her why. her was upset me had cut me out eve pic her had. me felt bad bout it but me say to her, me did it cuz u no love me, u no want me. her say that that was a selfish thing to do.

me is a selfish, worthless, stupid, jerk.

put love in that smile that is on you face

some things us no ever say
some things us no ever display
one word be nuff to change it all
one action be nuff to save a fall
it may no be a good week
but be care of what you speak
some one will hear
an it could change them whole year
mind what you do
the right thing can pull some one thro
no be mean to no one
instead love on them some
it is little thing in life
so no cause pain or strife
put a smile on you face
an happy in sad an mad's place
put love in you heart
so no one else life fall a part
no feed that bad  mood crave
cuz wit a smile an love a life you can save
it no hard to do
one day you will see some one has do it for you!

grave digger

this could be me last blog. no cuz me go stop spell but cuz me may be in me last hours. but this could be you last hour too. any hour can be our last hour.

yester nite me temp go up 5 degree in 90mins. me got real sick. me puke blood an what eve else me body could. me start shake lot. me were real cold at first an then me go back an forth from cold to hot. me have lot pain. feel like some one is over an over stab me an kick me. me head is hurt lot. me has had 4 seizures since 2am. me is see stuff an hear stuff. me is dizzy. it hard breathe. all this is still go  on.
them has do tests an scans since all this start. me has no be able sleep. them no let me sleep. them fraid me go into coma an die. them has no idea what wrong wit me. me temp right now is 106.4.

me friends are mazing. me love them. me love you. me would love have friend here to hold me an tell me it all go be ok. me know that sound weird, but me is so tire of be in this room lone. no at all.

persons say them are proud of me, them is honored to be me friend, but me has no do no thing for persons be proud or honored. if me do any thing it is complain lots.

me ask michael bout heaven an him say to me not much but nuff that me got it. him say that when you get to heaven it like big party. him also say that there be many persons that would miss me if me go. me is try believe him but it hard.

me say to me friend that me no know if me make it to her wedding. her is mad at me. me feel real bad bout it. me can no help it.

me an Jasi watch movie nite an it had part that cause me to member why me is in hospital. me an me stupid self. me still blame me for it. no matter what persons say me think me will alway blame me or it will take while til me no do.

me had scan. me hope them find some. me was in bathroom an me look in mirror an you can see where one scar is cuz hair is gone. lol.

shortie say she tire and was go to bed and me say to her goodbye like it be last goodbye ever. it no make me feel good at all.

me is very lone here. me feel very lone. me know that some me friends no know what to say but me wish them just say something. say wit me, ask me some asks, or something. it be better than me feel like me is some sort disease that them can no even say to.

me feel like me should be dig me own grave. just dig hole an you can throw me in it. that is how me feel. this is me blog. this is me life. me is no who me use be. me feel like kid. me has to relearn ever thing an me has learn how walk lit an non lit on me own gain. battle up for war, fight me battle, an be a victor. or least try.

weekend

friday nite me was go watch movie wit shortie but her show say yes to dress was on. so me watch the karate kid an karate kid 2.
me was no feel to good. me was real sad but me no want say no one that.


me no got but 3 hours sleep an that was early sat morn. me spent most day in bed. me no care to do no thing. me no eve care if me got better or no. it was how me felt. me post blog an one me friends left comment an it made me feel real bad. it was harsh but true.
me talk wit few friends an bambam bout how me felt. me felt bad bout some things me had say but it was how me felt.
me spend most me day in bed watch big bad beattleborgs. me felt better after me talk wit me friends.

me no get bed til 3am. me sleep til noon. me had bad dream. me mom was go kill her self an me was try save her. me no did save her. me woke up cry instead. me was think day was go be like yester day. it was no tho. me talk more than me use do. bambam say me a few thing, o most like a story.
me learn bout the type foods me need eat in me diet. fats. like steak an chicken. me know me also need find protein shake. me weigh 100lbs. me just check. so me has lost o most 30 lbs in o most 5 weeks. me need start put weight back on. me also need start work out. me has be work on build leg muscles an arm muscles. even when me out of hospital me has go for pt few times week. me sat outside for bit. nurse made me go out. made me stay out there for while. me came back in an me is now under 4 blankets shake cuz me so cold.
me is tire an read for some more yum.

this be me weekend. me is read to start new week.

think

me last post was very short an no full much.

last thing me want is be left lone. me is tire of be lone. me no want do nothing. me no want look out window me no want try walk, me no want read story, me no care to do any that. me no even care to get better.
me no like feel this way at all.

me on got 3 hour sleep. me try nap. eve time me close eyes me see no thing but bad. me is real tire tho.

this post call thinks cuz it full of thing me think bout.

walk. me is like that me can walk some. me has work real hard at walk. it just hard to get use to cane. me like me cane but it just hard walk wit. me no know bout run any time soon but me hope me get take walk in park. me would like take bubbles for walk, but me prob need friend to help. me would like just take walk wit friends.

outside. me do like be outside. me like walk barefoot. me like  have window open in me room an sleep like that. me like sit outside wit dogs an take in nice day. me like take blanket an lay on it in yard wit dogs or friends. me also love listen rain an thunder. me love snow fall.

moms. me love parents. me love meet other persons parents. me think parents are cool. me love to learn from them. me love to see how dads do thing, and learn from them. me mom has be gone for 4 years this month. 25 at 948pm. me member it, it was thursday. me miss me mom. last thing us did was fight an last thing her say me was out anger, me hate you, that what her say. me has no real eve have real mom. me mom was in drugs an alcohol an do stuff wit lots guys. her left when me was 6-7. us no see her for years. then her come round an us no like visit wit her. her would alway pic guy over us. me alway say me is no go be like no either me parents. no no. me love moms. me is very happy to meet momma canady.

work. me has job. it good. easy. an me make sort good money. me is hope by time me move me no need to have cane so much an me will be able speak lot more than not. me think me would like security job for now. me no care if me has work nite shift. ok me do some but it be nice to work nite shift few time week. me think. me know there airport an there is bowin factory. so me is go look into stuff.

strings. me is no like leave me granma. her no know no thing bout what be go on. her just think me is real busy or out town. me dad say that when me move he say to her that me is go off to college. me feel me is go move an then me is no eve go see her gain. an me no like that feel at all. me has decide that me is go spend me first year in wa that mean holidays too. it no go be easy but me will do. then the next year me will go be wit me fam. me animals. me no like leave bubbles here but me is get to be ok wit it. me think me dad an me both have web cam an us have phone so me can say hi eve once in while. me is go miss have stardust lay on me purr purr purr eve nite but him be ok. me car. me has no decide if me is go take me car up there or buy nother car that will make it up there. me think me is go leave lot me no so portant stuff here, til me has place for it.

god. me say to me friend me no know if god is me god. lot of me friends say me trust god, god will take care ever thing, pray to god an say him. me feel like it way for them to blow me off. them no get that me real no know god. me may have but me no do now. them think if them say them things then it make me feel better an it no do. me do pray all time but it no seem help. may be god no like me, may be him loss hope for me. me has read me facebook an twitter an other stuff an me use to believe in god but fact be me no do now. me is work on know god an me is no sure if me believe in him or no. if god be an easy pass an a way for friends say ok me help you now you all better than me is no sure bout god.

sleep. me no has sleep well. yester nite me had dream where me mom was go kill her an me was try stop her. me ran to hospital roof an was hear voicemail her left on me phone. her was say sorry there no thing you can do me love you. an as me jump to save her her jump to end her. it was very sad. me has had bad dream most me life it seem.

home. me is hope go get go home wed. me know me fam has be jerks, them alway are. me just wish them would be um supportive for once. me know this no happen but it be nice if it do, this is how big an dumb some me hopes are. me would like to get home an them be banner say welcome home an flowers an balloons and it be like nice lil party. but me on dream. so me think when me get home me is just go go see movie after me is home for hour or to.

me know me blog yester was short an me seem like jerk, so me spell this an me still sound like jerk bit but me no care. it me job title - jerk, an sound like a jerk is under job duties. so deal wit it. :P