booogers

so after over 48 hours with only 20 mins of sleep i got 11 hours of sleep. i got up an stephen started vaccuming. cady joined me in the bed. i almost took a nap with her. she was trying to hide under me. she kept licking me...which was no problem.
she stayed close to me all day. i was trying to go to the bath room an she would not move instead she kept pushing me back. it was not bad.
all day i thought i was just going to stay home in my pjs doing nothing. nope, ash got off work an we were goign to columbia. valarie an justin came over before we left. she is prego an her tum is big. no joke. it was good seeing them.
we went an got jess. then we went to this fuderwaggons or something. it was good. i was full, cuz i had just ate a ffew hours earlier. then we came back to moberly. oh an the conversations there, were again, epic, the whole night.
my head an eyes hurt the whole time. haha...nothing new. bright light does that. and then we got to walmart. oh boy. they went in to get a wheel chair an we saw it an i was like no way. have you seen the wheelchairs at walmart...hahahahaha....funny.
i watched rizzoli an isles, it was great. and glee...OH MY GOODNESS!!!! they, kurt an blaine, did perfect by pink. IT WAS AMAZING! i am def getting it.

my granma keeps calling me saying it is important taht i call her back. she is real forgetful. no joke. if it is really important leave a message saying what it is. no . joke.
my dad sent me a text today saying that bubbles was laying around the house missing me. an everytime he would come in the door she would follow him waiting for me to walk in right behind him. sadness. i miss bubbles. it is really hard, but it is better for her an elvis this way.

so i was going to blog about something that i forgot yesterday. o, one thing was that i did not want people to feel bad about things being hard. it is good for me, in a way. i got to be pushed some if i am going to advance any. right?!
well i remember the other one sometime. lol.

most the night i have felt a lil bad. haha. that is all i am going to say.

o i remember the second thing. lol. all yesterday for some reason i just wanted to cry. an most of the morning. i had fixed food an was walking to the table, an i was like well i might as well cry an get it over with. haha. i did not tho. ah well, maybe tomorrow (joke)

i got all that sleep n i still feel dead tired. in the car my not left leg bt the other one started hurting like stabbing pain, hurt. and when i say my whole head i mean everything from the shoulders up. it is normal, but frustrating.
an speaking of frustrating. it is not meant to make others feel bad when i get frustrated that it is hard to communicate cuz that is a duh thing, i just do not want others to get frustrated. most the tme i just fase out of conversations an stuff, for that main reason. which is no problem.

we got home an cady had the bones in there by the bed...so i guess she was like me a lot...or that it used to be her room.

piglet is coming over...and i am sleeping on the couch...this day has been good!

practice hard, hard practice

what a day. i tell you i have heard more hilarious  things an seen more hilarious things than i have in the last 3 months. no joke, an that would be in the last 24 hours. but even tho the last 24 hours have been wonderful, they have been hard too.

i went to bed after posting my blog, it was about 120am and i woke up an it was 136am. i thought i had slept for hours. i could not believe it was less than 20 mins. i stayed in bed an tried sleeping. 3am came around an i decided to go get a cup of water that it would help. i got out of bed an down i started to go. i caught myself tho. i was glad too, i did not want to wake up ash or stephen. i could not walk worth nothing. my balance was off all early morning. i was scared to even try walking to the kitchen, but i did it anyways. i got back drunk half the glass, an tried to sleep again. i looked at the clock it was 5 something. and still no sleep. i was so upset that it was yet another night with no sleep, that i almost got up an moved to the chair across the room. i stayed. 6am came an ash had got up an i decided hey tv, why not. lol. i moved to the couch. started to wtch once upon a time with ash, she left for work. cady stayed by me for 5 minutes. so i decided to get my pillow an blanket an try an sleep. well i could not sleep. cady decided she was going to run away from me everytime i even stared in her direction. finally she laid in front of the door waiting for stephen to wake up.
   i took a shower. oh my goodness, i have not had a warm shower, hot shower like that one in forever. it was nice. no joke. i left my stuff in there. their house is roomy unlike mine so i have to use my cane to help me keep balance. an carrying stuff does not help. lol. i got out of the shower took 15 mnutes to get my jeans on over my shorts an just on period. after that i ate a banana. then stephen woke up. cady was so happy. no joke.
after a while of trying to straighten out piglet an talk her in to what they called brunch, we went to funny pages. ash paul stephen an i sat there an waited no long for our food. i got a waffle, bacon n eggs, an sweet tea. piglet is like if you are still hungry after this then there is something wrong with you, wait, scratch that, it is you. 0 i had given her this look, like hello do you know who i am. lol. we got done an i went and grabed my notebook an stuff. we got to piglets house an there were 3 dogs. one looked like bubbles cept smaller an no white. it drove me crazy all day.
we worked on numbers an letter. i think i am doing better. and piglet is too, at reading sign.  we stopped an she played keyboard for a bit, tho it looked like a piano to me. we worked some more. it was hard. i had watched her write it down over an over an over again, an all i had to do was um draw over it, an make it look the same. well in my head things look right but come out wrong. she said my left hand is a loser. an my arms an hands get tired after a few minutes, but i push thro. it is what i do.
we finished an piglet decided to read to me. i love the author. an the story, but i was so tired that finally...with coco an mama laying on me, being covered up an stretched out...i was to the point where i could not keep my eyes opened, an i was trying my best to listen. but most of it went in one ear an out the other. she finally looked at me an said do you need a nap, i was like no i am fine. haha. i needed a nap. lol. but i was afraid if i took one that i would not wake up until tomorrow. supper time came an paul was like i want taco bell, which with the bill that was paid, is where we should have gone, i agreed with him an then we went to pizza hut instead.
i got to tell you, people are not making it that easy for me. i have been off balance all day, but i make due pretty good. i had to walk across the parking lot at funny pages, which really was not that far, then paul parked in the second row at pizza hut so i had to walk across that parking lot. i lost my balance quite a few times at both places. my legs were hurting so much an so tired that i sat down every chance i got. then on top of that people kept asking me stuff, an typing out answers fast is not fast enough. piglet asked me something an everyone at the table was watching, i tryed just using my hands to answer an that did not work. so i gave her this look, an everyone at the table burst out laughing, and i typed it out. it came time to pray over food an they did this thing with their thumbs, an i just looked at them, an they said well she cannot pray...i got news, i can too, you just will not be ale to hear it. lol. there were many moments where my defects become some of the funniest moments of the night. an my cane, is becomeing the weapon of choice for a lot of people.
i got supreme pizza at pizza hut. i ate most of what was on my plate but could not eat it all. we got done there an went to walmart. i was not going to walk in just to sit down so i stayed in the car, with paul. i thanked them for paying for dinner, tho if they asked i would pay them back. i feel kinda bad that people are paying for my meals.
we got back to the house an the owner of jaster was there. it was a fun time. i have never seen a dog do what he did, an i cannot wait to test it out on my dog.

piglet brought me back to the jones house. i had been texting ashh, i had meant to have been over here to hang out with her an lauren, but it did not go that way. i felt really bad. she said i want you to feel as if you can come an go as yo please. i told her all day i had been calling this place home in my head without even realizing. she said that made her really really happy. yay! it is nice an quiet, clean, the shower has amazing hot water. it is very spacious. the bed is comfy an so is the couch. so when jess gets here tomorrow, i have no problem with where i sleep, an i will even sleep on the love seat. i just have to move my stuff. it seemed like a lot of stuff but if i would have folded stuff in that black bag of mine a lot more would have fit. the other bag is a lot of clothes. i packed a lot of extra stuff just in case.
jasi asked me if i had movement probs with my face an i said no usu, she said well you never smile in your pics. an i said tht is cuz right now i cannot stand the way i look. i look sick to me. the sick me is still what i see. i love jasi, she makes my heart smile! she is my sister! an i love her!

i love being here with friends, with ash an stephen - who i owe both hugs still - piglet an paul, etc. it is a bit frustrating when they talk about stuff that i do not remember or people i do not remember, or when we go to a place an people are waiting for me to say something, but it just flusters me for a sec an then i jst think one day it will be better.
i have been stuffed every meal i have had. an stephen, i am sure i would love whatever you mad, just say! now i need to go an try to sleep. my body has been in a weird so tired state. i have been shaking an cold, an in pain, an even had a nose bleed this am, being off balance, an hardly being able to walk, my eyes have been playing tricks on me, stuff has been moving that is not supposed to move. etc. i have not complained an i have dealt. an i will continue too, because in the end, being here with friends, is what drowns everything else out.

Moberly

it just seemed like all we did was talk about it, an that it was never going to happen - ash

i do have to agree with her. it seemed like a dream that would never come true. it was a great ending to a harsh day.

i stayed up watching the walking dead an then the talking dead an then the encore presentations of it til 2 am. i had been all frustrated an i just did not trust dustin. i even wrote a blog to try an help me get some my frustration an untrust out. i have good reasons for not trusting him. then i tryed an tryed an tryed going to bed an it just would not happen. so i listened to bubbles snore the whole night an elvis go back an forth across my room whinning.

i was up when dad came home. he forgot the printing paper. i bought the insurance for my car anyways, 80 a month. i guess that is not bad. and i sat there an im ed dad back an forth. i told him how i was aggrivated. i started laundry an he went to bed. i decided to clean the mess by the fireplace. boy was there a lot of trash. no joke. i got done with that an decided to finish packing.

afternoon came an it was time to run around town. i went to the court house, who pointed me to the collectors, who told me that my car had not been claimed the last 3 years an that i owe close to $200 in taxes. and that i had to pay 2 years in order to get my tags. my dad said it was weird because it had not been this way the last two years. so i went to my sisters house an helped her start a fire in her fireplace. then i got home an i was frustrated cuz i did not know how this was going to work out. finally i looked at what i had in my account an what i had in my pocket. i had enough to pay for the two years an the tags. so, since my account would basically be wipped out with all this, i decided i would leave my debit card, an a list of thing that they had to do and they could take care of it. i have $40 in cash.

i finished packing an i waited an waited. dustin came in an started crap. i was frustrated.
but boy did my dad make me proud for once. he told dustin to get out. NO JOKE! an he told him not to come back until he was ready to follow the rules. an he is going to put a dead bolt on the front door, so people can not just walk in an the door will not blow open when the wind picks up. so hopefully i will get back home an dustin will be gone an the dead bolt will be on the door, an my stuff will be the way i left it. no joke.

i waited an then the waiting was over. i stepped outside an there was the jones an piglet. !!!! !! i was ready to leave. no joke. i was glad, estatic to see them, no joke. piglet rushed over an tackled me, giving me a hug. an then there were the jones. i owe them both hugs...haha..no joke. they came in an bubbles an elvis both freaked out. i had never seen my dog act like that before. she was scared. they grabbed my stuff an we left. as i walked out the door bubbles tried following me. it was sad. then she went to the window an had a sad face...poor bubbles. sigh. i love her with all my heart. she is my most valued possession.
i stumbly made my way to the car. before we got in a craft from the rosecrans airport/base passed over us. it wsa really low, i do not know why they fly that low. so yes stephen there is a military airport by the river. we also have a national guard base, an an army base.
we got in the car an drove basically 4 blocks to debbie cockram house. we crosse dthe street an i made my way up the steps. i had never done steps like that before. i was surprised i made it up them. an down them. i decided if i fall i fall. no joke. i got in the door an debbie gave me a big hug. it was awesome, she passed piglet up to give me one an then went to her. lol. their animals both came to me...an just wanted to be petted! awww. i cannot wait to go an visit more :).

we got back in the car an went to chick fi la...my first time, piglets too. it was good a bit spicy but good. i let them stand aroudn an order but i had to sit down. i was forcing myself to stand, n i just could not take it any more. ash came an sat down, and then piglet an then stephen. ash said i must stink or something because no one wants to sit by me. i would have been more than glad too, but you sat where you sat, an not by me, so i must have stunk. ;) . no one was eating so i was not going to eat. an then they prayed. it was an odd thing for me. but i closed my eyes like becks had told me once, an i waited for the end. they all started with their fries an coalslaw...yucko, hate that stuff, no joke. and i ate my sanwhich. then worked on my fries. i was full. i am not used to eatting much.
stephen has this thing with pie so i hid it in the thing on the table. i think he almost forgot about it. then he ate it.

we got back in the car an started leaving, an stephen got lost, haha. well almost. and we were on the road to moberly.

i have been kinda frustrated but it will get better. it is hard to communicate. i will try putting in a word or two or try helping out an by the time i type it or sign it, it is too late. an no help. ah well it will get better :)

i was dead tired with really no sleep at all last night, an my nap did not be that at all. so i thought i would fall a sleep in the car. nope. i had to put my balck pillow behind my back because my back was killing me, an then my head was trying to explode. piglet fell sleep, i gave her my pillow to use.
stephen an ash are so cute, an funny. that was funny just listening to them!
the whole trip or half of it, people had tried calling me but my phone was acting up. it was weird.

we got to moberly. and we let piglet out. then we got to their house, an they let cady out, she is really not that big to me. i think she is almost double bubbles size but not that big. she kept barking at me. but then she would not let me walk an wanted me to pet her. haha. no problem. she also gave me kisses.

it is really a nice house. i am glad to be here. tho i do feel bad that they were out past their bed time. i have smiled most the time because, tho i was nervous to my tum, an kinda scared, - oh my goodness this is deja vu, no joke i swear i have either dreamed this exact moment or have done all this moment before, which is not possible - it was good to be out of the house, with no worries, no drama, no stress or a ton less stress, an be with my friends, my family. :D wish i could make that smile bigger. lol. and tho i did not get that lock up on my door, or even got a lock for that matter, i am not worried.
now is time to rest relax an enjoy awesome company. i love being here with my friends. an i am greatful for every thing, including the food they bought me which was way awesome, them coming an getting me, them letting me stay with them, them helping me, it is just so great! i love them!

and one thing is for sure...when i say i am going to do something, i mean it. as ash found out. :)

against

i do not expect life to be fair at all. mainly because it has never been fair to me. there is a lot i am against in this world.

i never got away with crap, an it really pisses me off that my sibs get away with everything. one thing i hate most is when people say something an then change their mind and say they never said it, or etc. i hate it when people say they are going to do something an never do it. i hate when people lie. an i am not talking about those people that forget not on purpose, i am talking about those who say i am over an over an over again an never do. my dad is one of those people. dustin has been told time an time again after being caught time an time again, not to bring drugs into this house, to follow the rules, to do as dad says, or he will be kicked out.. well i am waiting to see dad follow thro with it this time. i found enough weed in his room to send him to prison for a few years. an only reason i went in there was to find my hinge for the lock. earlier it smelt like he was smoking weed in his room,an i told dad so.
dustin is all pissed at me because i will not give it to him, an dad is pissed at me because he says i am causing trouble, when really it is all dustins fault.
i just want to see my dad do what he said he is going to do and stop being such a freakin liar. i have never done drugs in my life, an never plan on it.
i would like to live in a drug free house. so hard to ask...i thought so.

yes i started writting this at 1 am in the morn. i should be a sleep, but i am so frustrated that i cannot sleep. also i have not trusted my brother for the longest time, an now i really do not trust him. he steals, does not follow the rules, which means he does not respect dad, and continues to do what he is not supposed to.
and if nothing is done, it will be bogus.

i have to get up early to go to the court house to get a thing saying i did not pay taxes, and then go to the dmv, an then the bank. i have to get the lock on before i leave. i am really hoping that piglet will get to come along, but i do not want to keep anyone too late. if piglet gets off at 4 an they can leave at 430 then they will get here at 6 an we should be out of town by 630-645ish, an back to moberly by930-945ish. idk if that is too late or not.

any ways, at 2 i am going to bed, then waking up an going place, back home to do laundry - bedding, shower, finish packing, and put a lock on my door. adventure is out there...act it is everywhere, even when it does not seem like it.

DMV

for those of you who do not know what a spirit bomb is here, watch this video:
   it is kinda long but dragonball z is amazing! 

and if you want to see what happens in the end then here you go:

a spirit bomb is the energy from every living thing gathered into a big energy bomb usu used to defeat something or someone bad. like i said, i could sure use a spirit bomb.

so tomorrow i am supposed to be leaving to go to moberly. or i hope so. depends on two things, one if i get my car tags taken care of an two, if i have the spoons to do so. i know i complain all the time about not having the energy or having to do this or that, but really it is stuff that should not take that much energy, but sadly it drains me. but i got done most of what i needed an wanted too, the rest can be saved for when i come back.

today was spent doing more laundry, tomorrow i am going to have to wash my bedding. i went to my aunts, the one who is mean, an i ate two bowls of turkey an noodles, an in the middle of that my aunt wanted me to eat some cobbler, some steak, an pie. i was full. but now i am ready for some turkey sanwhiches. we ran to the dollar tree an got dryer sheets, the came home to dads, so they could go see my brother alan.
i buckled down an started to do more laundry, an pack. i was gld i found my pants at my aunts. no joke.
then my dad got back and the remote was missing. he swore i had it lst so i looked an looked an looked everywhere. cabinets, the refridge an freezer, the stove, the bathroom, the washer an dryer, an it ws right by my dad the whole damn time. so frustrating.
i was in my room packing an elvis came in an decided he wanted to play, well he got a lil rough an in came bubbles an took him down. she is amazing! she has been by my side the last few days, she is all sad. she knows i am leaving. but i will be back in no time. :)

i need to put a lock on my door so my brother will not come in here an mess with stuff but my dad is being stubborn an will not get the parts for me at walmart plus the lock, an will not help me with it. just like he said i can go to the dmv by myself. grrr.

lst night i did not sleep well at all, my head was killing me. i had a dream my brother an i were going up this hill an the cops stopped us, some how i got in the cop car, an i was talking to officer greeburg or someone like that, and then my brother an i took off. we were driving an then we were running. there was this lady who had done something to me, she was like a doctor. she asked me to breath in an then asked how it felt. i said it hurt in my chest throat area, she said well it is not supposed to hurt there. you need to get better, or take better care of your self, something like that. i woke up thinking that is what everyone keeps saying. i am doing the best i can with what i got an people make me feel like i am not trying at all. ah well.

so my night is going to be filled with packing, an then i have to figure out how tomorrow is going to work. and take a new step in my adventure.

Spirit bomb

yesterday that dream had really messed me up. all day i was just full of emotions. i got really dramatic about some things, well tht is how it would seem to you. so my post yesterday was full of emotions. n the only way i could get thro those emotions  was by writing about them. i had felt like a jerk. because of the way my brain made the canady family in my dream, because i could not go visit people, because of some of the things that i had said in my post, nd because in less thn a year i am going to break the heart of the one i love the most.

yes, i love my dog more than anything. she has been my best friend, a loyal an true friend, always there when i needed a slap in the face by a tail or a hug, yes she gets on her back lets puts her front legs around my neck an puts her head on my back giving me a hug. she is amazing. an if you think it is crazy, well whatever.

piglet an i skyped a lot yesterday. i talked to shortie an i made a comment that she should send me a message or a text or go to piglets an skype with us. well piglet an i went to skype an there was a very tired but amazing shortie. i was happy. skype kept crashing an they were arguing about which one of them should leave, an then piglet said yep she had this problem with bambam on skype an gmail. then i said well just goes to show that i am the awesome one. lol. they were like then you should leave. i was not sure how that was going to work out.

i was having a crummy day. we did not go get the christmas tree. at all. dad said no point since alan is gone an i will not be here most the month. boo. he is going to deprive stardust his first real christmas tree to try an climb. and then bambam sent me a message asking me how i was doing, and i felt really bad talking to her becase of the dream. and then after talking for a bit i just strted to feel much better. and it was not about the dream. the beginning of the convo i started feeling even worse, bt then like i said i started feeling better. i guess sometimes it just helps to talk about anything with someone.

i ended up going to the er. i let the dogs out to potty an elvis came running really really fast into the door an it hit me really really hard in the head. i started getting bloody noses, light headed, i really could not walk straight at all, my vision was not that great, and then i had a seizure. that is what made the decision to go. so i went. texted someone to take me. got there, it was not busy. i got right in. the whole visit was about 45mins. that is a surprise in itself. that almost never happens. turns out that i just had a small cuncussion, and that my head is still relly sensitive. and that my sinusitis started actin up once i got hit with the door, an that is why my nose would not stop bleeding. the doctor said that my head can not take anything harder than a plastic bottle hitting my head, like a cheap bottle of water. so this means snow balls are out! :( ....maybe

tomorrow i got to start packing for when i leave next week. i just am not sure wht to pack.

i was supposed o stay in bed all day tody but i had to get some hours in at work, n i hd promised my granma i would swing by. an i needed a shower. i have been running out of spoons, an not been able to always take a shower for he day, well i need one today an i got it.

holiday park opened an i really want to go thro it. i sent kara a message saying maybe when i go to visit her we could go through it. who knows. i would like too, but it is only good when it is really dark outside. so i do not know if i will get to see it this year.

before i leave i am going to give my aunt my electric guitar for christmas, an i am going to go buy my dad one of those BIG chocolate bars for $10. he will like it.

today has been a day full of sleep, laundry - which i am still working on, cleaning - same, an i visited my granma an helped her. tomorrow i have to go help my aunt. fun times.

i do not have spoons left at all, so i am wondering if i am going to be able to do much next week. sad part is i still have a ton of stuff to do before next week starts. i need a spirit bomb. 

crap

first i have to clear something up, cuz i said i would, an i am not a lier. Lindsey is not amused by me she is interested in my current state, if that you can get. she is not a jerk, so if any one thought that let me know so i can kick your butt. she is a great person, an you are only jealous that i know her an you do not! no joke. i do not think it is possible for her to be a jerk. i have never met anyone like her, an she is one of the few people that i know that like bambam, is totally awesome, an everything about her is love. so she is love, an not  jerk. how was that lindsey? :)

thanksgiving, wow. usu the highlight is who will ruine the day, that was not the case. it was o most ruined by my sister, but thankfully she shut her mouth in time. i woke up at 10ish went to see if i could help my dad with anything, an then watched the end of the parade....dude i saw SANTA! no joke. my dad made din an my brother washed dishes an i took care of the dogs. no joke.
i spent part of the day talk with stephen. he is a chef, no joke. he is going to make me his famous soup. yay!
then something awesome happened, anne sent me a im. i was STOKED! no joke. she is my sis in england. it was great get to chat with her. she is such an amazing person, so inspiring. it made me smile. she made my heart smile! <:)3
din time came an i LOADED my plate with a lil of everything, even stuffing. it took me 45 mins to eat it all i think. well i did not eat it all, the dogs got some turkey, an then elvis kept licking my roll so i gave him the rest of the first one an split the other between them. then i got pie, an i went to do something, i came back an elvis had ate all my whipped topping. no joke. i ate my pie without whipped topping. by the end of all of it i had to walk hunched over cuz my tum hurt alot. it was fuller than it had been in a long time. an i am still eating the deviled eggs, lol, out of the fridge.
there were a few highlights of my day. dustin came out an asked my sis an i if we heard that big boom. we both shook our heads no, he said some idiot across the street just drove into a pole. so we got up an went a looked. there were 4 cop cars, a fire truck, an a ambulence. people were pulling in just to watch, the neighbors were all out. they searched the car, took someone to jail, some one to the hospital, an towed the car. i typed out on my phone, that is how i talk with my sibs a lot or people in general, that they should take the car an crash into the other side of the pole to straighten it out since the car is junk now anyways. so that was one highlight. another was talking with anne!!!! another was having for the first time, a good thanksgiving. another was getting most of the laundry put up! an the last is that KJO is playing christmas music an i have heard a few dif versions of the lil drummer boy! dude, love that song.

i am sitting in my bed an layed my head back to rest for a bit an i did not notice that i have a poster that says jesus an a few old pics of jesus hanging on my wall. above my bed is a poster of RED, an in cleaning my room, i have found a lot of books on the bible an god an stuff. and lately the only station that has come in on my radio is air1. which is i think alternative christian music. an when putting laundry up the other night i kept finding these um, christian tshirts.

okay so. people keep on saying that i look great an stuff, but i do not think so. no joke. i cringe at a lot of my pictures of me. because i still have weight to gain, an to me, i do not look good. my hair is laying a lot dif than it use to, i thot about cutting it but it is go get cold out side, so aybe i will let it get a bit longer. i was going to use aburn hair dye on it, but i am going to give that to my aunt. i still want to strt work  on steps, i mean when i leave my house i have to take go down or up a few steps, same with when i go to my aunts. but it is hard an i do not like doing it alone. no no.
also, you can be frustrated all you want with me. just remember that it will not help me any. there are somethings that are really hard for me. like bambam, jasi, piglet, an a few others tried explaining thanksgiving to me, an i could not get it, finally i did, an now i am not sure i like the holiday, no i do not like it, but please make things easy for me. people will say stuff, thinking, i will get it, but i will not an i will be like ok, ummm...or something like that. after a while i just give up on trying to get stuff.
i also like watching a lot of cartoons an kid shows. i will watch stuff over an over an over an over an over an over an...you get it, an over again. no joke.
nd you can say i am pestering you, but really i will say i am sorry if it seems like i am, but i forget stuff easily an a lot. and i keep asking because of that fact. 

the other day, bambam said after work we could look at plane tickets together, haha, i waited an waited an waited. i am not sure if she said might or not, but i waited. an i searched an searched an searched, an i have found that maybe buying one way tickets would be cheaper than round trip tickets.
i have got invited so many places for the holidays. no joke. i feel bad going to one place, or not going to a place. there are even people who do not live in town or in state or country, haha, that want me to come spend christmas with them...it is crazy. it is hard to get that people want me around. something that i need to get. i would love to have christmas with everyone. no joke.

next week i am going to moberly. i am excited an scared at the same time. it is that lil kid in me. it is like i have never been away from home before. leaving the hospital really messed with me. it is a comfort thing or security thing. it will take me a while to get used to it. in fact, haha, i am ready to cry thinking about going about from my protection. i know that wherever i am, or i hope, that they will try their best to make me feel safe an secure. i am just a foolish little kid. none the less i am excited to see people. i am excited to sleep on couches an beds an floors, an do all sorts of things. i am also excited to see the shivers. kara said something about monkey bread...i will try it as long as there are no real monkeys involved, no joke.
so i guess this is a pre thing, if you want me for some reason get ahold of ash or stephen, or kara or joey. depending on where i am at. and my address is 2408 sylvanie st. joseph, mo 64501. haha. i know in the hospital there were a few addresses for mail but this is the one, lol. so if you want to send me extra spoons here is your chance, lol. :)

this am i woke up trying everything to keep from sobbing. my door was open an dad was awake so i really did not want him to hear me cry. i was bout to the point where i could not help it an did not care. i had a horrible dream. i was living with the canady's an i had bubbles an elvis there with me too. i was in my room alot, because everytime i would come out to try an visit with them they were either gone or all in one room where i was not allowed to be. so i would take the dogs out or sit an watch tv. well eventually i just decided to stay in my room cuz they just ignored me the whole time an acted like i was some ugly gross bug that they could not stand. i went outside an started looking for the dogs an for chris, my cousin. the had traveled on a boat an were going to this lil rock island thing. they had not returned so a bunch of us went looking for them. there were bunch of tears an a lot of cry. kept looking at the edge of the rocks where the water met the rocks to see if one of them had washed up there. my granma, my dad sister, a bunch of people were there an upset. i woke up an was glad it was just a dream. i was glad to wake up an bubbles be right there asleep next to me on the floor. i was glad when elvis came an slobbered all over my face. i was almost to the point where i was okay with leaving bubbles when i move. of course, in a move, you take everything with you, so in a way i feel i am only going to visit for a long time. now i have to work on the lying to my self an being okay with breaking 5 hearts at one time....that is something that is hard to be ok with. i am going to be breaking my granmas, stardust, bubbles, elvis, an my own heart when i go. an i know it is for my own good. a fresh start.

we did not go an get a christmas tree in and are not going to. dad said it is in part thanks to me. then i got a message from piglets mum in law inviting me over tomorrow to visit. sigh, an i already have something i have to do.

the only part of this day that has not sucked was skype with piglet an talking with anne. no joke.

i have just felt really horrible an crappy today. like i cannot do anything right. ah well.

Thanks

i do not understand why we only get this way once a year, where we are thankful, really thankful, for one day only, should not we be this way everyday? i think so. i have so much to be thankful for, an i on a regular basis let people know i am thankful for them, i regular say what i am thankful for. an when i tell people that i am thankful for them or i think they are awesome, it is not me being a suck up or anything like that, it is me being real, i mean it when i say it, and i say it often because no matter how many times i say it, it will never be enough.

i am thankful for a lot of stuff, i know i will not get it all in this post but i will get the main stuff, an honest, could we really list all the things we are thankful for. once we think we are done we would find another thing to add to that list.

i am thankful for family. i am thankful for my blood family. without them there would be no me. tho my mom is not around, nor my lil sister, i am thankful for the time i do get with my family. i am thankful for all the bad, sad, good, an frustrating times. sure my family has their problems, but every family does. but they have always been the people in the end that no matter what, eventually, we can still sit back an chill.
i am thankful for my non blood family. for being the family to me that my family has not been.

i am thankful for my friends/family. this would be non blood family. i am still learning, well everything, but learning what it means to be a true friend, to support an love un um conditionally. they have been teaching me so much. they have been my support, my heros, my memory, my protectors, my strength, my smile, my laugh, my heart, my hope. i would not be a live if it was not for them. and it is not only been it is that they still are being all those things, an will continue to be. they have done so much for me. no matter how hard i try i could never do even a smitch of what they have done for me, for them.

i am thankful for animals/pets. together we have 4 dogs, 5 cats, 4 guinea pigs, 5 hamsters, an a rabbit. granted that most of them i just relearned what they are, an that is only cuz they are here at my house. if you have ever had a pet then you know that most the time they bring you peace. i love all of our animals an i cry when one of them is no longer with us. i am thankful for loyal dogs, loving cats, an that no matter what they will love me forever. i am really thankful for bubbles, i got her in one of the hardest times of my life, an she has brought me through a lot of pain an heart ache. she is my baby girl. i love waking up after her being by my side all night an watching her get all excited that her mom is finally up, she acts like i have been gone. she is so loving, an i am thankful for the time i get with her, n i am going to miss her dearly when i move away. it is funny, i rescued her an gave her  home, an she rescues me all the time, giving me so much love an loyalty. a true friend to the end.

i am thankful for life. i know there are  a lot of times where that does not seem true, but i am thankful for life. i have died so many time, faced death countless times, but you do not really start to be thankful for life until you are faced with losing it.

i am thankful for everything that i have gone through, good bad or ugly. i am thankful for every single person taht has been in my life. without those events or people i would not be who i am. tho some things suck, i would not change anything because then i would lose everything including me.

there is so much more to be thankful for. have you really thought about all you have to be thankful for? if you do not already, try to make it a daily thing, it will change your whole day when you fill your heart an mind with the things that you have, love, an cherish! no joke!

numbers

i woke up this am all tired an basically slap happy. i started off the day talk with bambam an ash. after about two hours tho i fell asleep. i was happy that for the first time it was quiet an there were people in the house. before i fell back a sleep elvis decided to sit in my lap an wait for his mom, my dad, to get home from work. he is a smart dog, he knows when his mom is supposed to be home an when he did not come home on time, he decided to sit on me an be sad.

i fell back asleep an then i woke up. i was still so tired. it seems no matter how much i sleep i am still just as exhausted. i went to get out of bed an my legs would not work at all. i fell flat on my face. i could barely move my legs, no joke. sad part was i really had to go to the bathroom. about an hour later i finally got out of bed, an my cane was laying on a pile of junk by my closet. yay! i have had to use that a lot today. i made it to the bathroom.

i spent most the day cleaning a small area infront of my closet, doing laundry, an talking with ash an piglet. the main question i have had all day is, why do we celebrate a holiday based on a animal that rolls around in the dirt an mud?! - the answer is that thanksgiving is a day that we celebrate the killing of people an animals, an we eat to remember this. we are also supposed to say that we are thankful for things an people. *shakes head* ....wth.

piglet has been teaching me numbers how to count an write them. i am doing alright....not that good. she is good at teach, but i suck as a student...tho i do got jokes. it is great watching her laugh an give that look, oh my goodness you goof, to me. she is also going to read me some stories. which is going to be awesome!
i am not sure which hand is my writting hand, i have been switching. which i guess is fine. piglet is like try writing it smaller it might help, i cannot write small, i try an then it just ends up taking up most the page.

i just have to say that stephen jones is awesome!!! :D that. is. all. no. joke.

so tomorrow is a holiday, an holidays in this house are not complete until it is ruined. so we all wait around to see who is going to be the one to ruine it an then i get all the blame. no joke.
bambam an i have been talk about spend christmas together, but plane tickets are a alot. i told her i could help out. i figured i get paid twice an i could help out. i am also even trying to sell my electric guitar. $400 someting bucks is a lot for a freakin plane ticket. no joke. and from what i have found that is the price for any time of the year. i love my base an my electric drums, tho i am not sure how to play them. it would be nice to spend christmas there, but if not it will be ok.

it looks like tomorrow i will not have many people to talk too, not that i usually do, but i will be lucky if there is anyone. hah..an i do not blame anyone at all...lol.

let me see. this time last year i was up north helping my aunt come down for thanksgiving, an the cops were involved. her an my uncle were fighting. i was also going to see the harry potter movie. in a way, this year i feel like staying in bed all day an just hiding under my covers.

it will be an adventure in this adventure as i go thro the events of tomorrow. no joke.

counting

today has been quite the day. a little better than yesterday.

my siblings fought all night, my brothers i should say. stopped for a bit and then started as soon as dad got home. they were arguing over my phone charger, an stupid freaking crap. i was pissed. i got up an i went out there an i told them off, in sign which did not much good. . bubbles an i spent most the morning in my room sleeping or trying to. i had a weird dream where my family had this flag hung around bleechers? that faced a lake. there was a boat? and this guy was trying to escape but instead his own men killed him. when i was not sleeping i was either talking with stephen, or trying to get my brothers to shut up. i stayed in bed until o most 2. i got up an went an fixed something to eat. than i started cleaning up more of my room. my family left for court for alan. it was nice an peaceful. and then they came back home, without alan. dad was being such an asshole. i almost left, no joke. he was even rude to his mom. my dad took my sister home an then went to visit my brother at BCA. it is temp until they can find him a place to go.

they left an piglet an i started skyping. it was nice. it was fun. she is going to help me with stuff. she is teaching me numbers. i did prety good, so she says. lol. she is good at it. tomorrow we are going to skye again. work on some more stuff. i think it is real awesome that she is doing this. i am going to miss her when she is gone. no joke.

i have also chatted with ash for the evening. i miss her. i am excited to see her an everyone else next week. well not everyone else, because not everyone wil be there, but i am ready to see people.

pt. i have been working hard on walking. i o most got it to where i can walk almost normal from rrom to room. but my legs get tired faster. i move them a lot. it is also easier for me to get up an sit down. i feel ready to start with steps, so i am thinking i will try that soon, when i can find help. so i am going to be doing some asking. lol.

i have had an idea ever since i talked to bambam, which means i need to talk to her again. maybe we can put our awesomeness to use. looks like next week i will be go to visit the jones for a week or two an then the shivers for a week or two an then hmmm, we will see. i just have to run it all by my case people, which sucks...i am basically going to se if i can break one of their rules.

tonight i am going to go find a movie to watch, an then go to sleep. tomorrow i need to work on my room some more, an do some more laundry, an then i have to do house chores also. ... i am ware myself down. an need sleep. lol. i need to start taking naps. something that should be enforced. haha.

monday

last night was really good. skyping with bambam. she is really one amazing person. good at telling stories too. hahaha.
my siblings were up most the night fighting, came to 5 an they stopped. i got to sleep at about 6 only to be woke up when dad got home to it all starting again. an no matter how loud my tv got, i could still barely hear it. both the dogs an my cat were on my bed with me, an did not budge when i went to the door to some how tell them to shut up. when i sign, they have a name for it, my retarded freakout. or something like that. they are jerks. then a while later bubbles jumped on me an i fell down. i tried getting back up an they just laughed. an laughed harder when i fell back down. i got up tho, with tears.
i do not get why it is ok for my family to say or do or treat how ever they want. it pisses me off.

my aunt came an got me an we went to her house. i did some stuff, that i could, like dishes, an helped her wrap stuff. then she took me to the bank. 118 in my account an most of that has to go towards car insurance, then my next pay check, 180 will go to renewing the tags on my car, which should not be more than 50 something. my dad said that i only need a year since i will be moving to washington.
my aunt went to the dollar tree an did some shoping for me. the shampoo conditioner, even got some flash cards. now to find someone to help me with them.
got back home, alan an everyone went to court, came back, have to go back tomorrow. they all started fighting again. drama drama drama.

so many people keep telling me, you should get this, you should apply for that, you should go here, you should, you should, you should....the more i hear it the more it upsets me. i am working on finding a wheel chair an getting better at walking at the same time. i have looked into disability an social security an medicade. i have thought about going here an there. i know people are concerned, people care, an i am thank for that. it just makes me feel really bad that i cannot walk more than a few steps, an do not have a wheel chair, that it would take months to get disability or ssi or medicade/medicare. i feel weird about going and staying at a house with people i have not met, an i know that they are awesome, but i just feel like i am putting more weight on people. i figure i have a week here, if not longer. i feel like if i go some where else i am running away from stuff.
i know it would be good for me to go. so i am thinking about when to do it, how to go about it. it is just a weird thing for me just to say hey can i come sleep in your house an be lazy. haha. i know it is not being lazy but i feel like it is. i think if i do not get to meet debbie an paul before next week that i will indeed do so soon.
i know i need all the rest i can get, i know that this drama an stress is not good for me, i know that it sucks that i cannot walk, talk, or a lot of things. i also know i am not geting the rest i need, i am doing good to get a sanwhich ate everyday. i know that all the help i can get is a good thing, an i am very thank for it.
i just feel i am being a burden for people. i feel that like jasi has said, no matter where i am i am going to feel bad for not helping out, or doing my share. i hate not being able to walk much, or speak. or think.
i am trying my best tho. i am trying to help do what i can. i am starting to figure out this humming thing, an sometimes i swear i say a word under my breath without realizing it. i even got my legs shaking a lot, sometimes i do that without even knowing until i realize i am doing it. after about a minute or two they get tired, but hey, it is building muscle an i can do it.

there seems to be a lot that people are just expecting from me. i cannot do it all. failure is all i have been hearing an seeing all day, well it is not all, but it is the 97% of the all. i feel like a failure, i feel i am letting lot of people down, by not do this or not do that.
am i leeting people down? am i not giving my best? am i that burden?

i am complaining. i am really really tired. not getting the sleep i need. i wish i could move my tv to the other side of my room, maybe i will do that tomorrow. or try to. i have to go out of town tomorrow afternoon for a bit. then after 5 i have a skype date. exciting.

maybe tonight will be peaceful an i will get some good sleep.

LIndsey

what a day this has been. but as you know i usually do not start with my day, but with how the night before today went. so without further a do...

last night, i got a lovely surprise. Lindsey Barnes now Prince, sent me a chat. at first i was nervous. but then we got to chatting an it was great! she had had no clue i was in the hospital. she was amused by my situation. asking all sorts of stuff. i was happy to answer, an if i could not, i told her, i did not remember. we talked about barney, an god, an just stuff. it was good to talk to her. she has known me for a long long time, in fact, the more we talked, the more i remembered her,i remember the day we met was a thursday, an it was the afternoon. she helped me through a lot of stuff. became one of the people i looked up too. still is. again it was good just to talk to her. an she asked me stuff that no one else had ever asked. and she did not try to brush anything off as if it was dumb for me to feel or think it. she is such an amazing person, one i am truly glad to know.

now on to today. i had a lot of trouble sleeping. kept waking up every hour. i let the dogs out at 338am. i lean on the stove, an just wait for them to want back in. which usu is not too long. i kept waking up. falling out of bed. and trying to walk right after i have been a sleep for a while, is not a good idea.
i have spent most the day siting in my bed, watching up, an fireproof, an how to save a life. o not to mention tom an jerry.
i did laundry for my aunt an then did some for me. just a load for me. that was all i could manage. the whole day all i had to eat was one sanwhich.
came night an bambam was like, hey we are going to skype. i was like yay! . our awesomeness crashed skype an gmail chat.
it was really good to see her an hear her voice, an to actually be able to partly return the favor. i would have signed but it is a lot faster to type. we were chatting and she was look at buy a ticket to get me there for christmas. not sure if it go to happen, but made me all warm inside. it makes me a lil nervous tho, i mean by christmas i should be walking pretty good, or better, but preparing for christmas an having me there would just add to the stress. or that is how i feel, i feel i would be more work than help, or enjoyment. but none the less that would be an awesome christmas.

for once all 4 of us siblings are sleeping in the same house at the same time. this has not happened for a while. there has been yelling, fighting, laughing, jokes, an chaos all day. makes me want to watch that one show, smart something, bout the agent smart.
tomorrow my brother alan is leaving the house. to be honest i wish my other brother would find a place to live. so please, for those of you who believe in pray, pray for that.

i am soooo tired. i do not show it much today tho. i am tired. i hurt a lot. i cannot seem to get warm, an my stomach has been killing me all day.
and my aunt has me stressed about my car, which i had no idea what a car was until yesterday, no joke.

i am looking forward to spending time with ash an stephen, an kara an joey an nicki, an bambam an mama canady. i am also looking forward to meeting mrs cockram.

today has been a long day, tomorrow will be even longer. i am going to get me some ice cream some how some way. i am also wanting pizza sushi, steak, an chicken. lol.

life is not easy, in fact is has got a lot harder, but my friends have given me hope, something to look forward too, to dream about, an that is what makes the journey so exciting!

home

today i went to my home here on earth. josi had asked for prayer for this little boy, an i said i would pray. that little boy died today, an as josi said he went to his um heavenly home today.

i had a hard time sleeping last night. i woke up at 6 after going to bed at 12, 2, 4, thinking it was 7-8ish. i was wrong. then i went back to sleep an woke at 9 thinking it was 12, and from then i was up for good. i have been so nervous about coming home. i am still so nervous.

we left at 130. i kept falling asleep only to be woke by pot holes an their constant raising of voices. you would think that they would be more respectful. i think i was also getting car sick, or motion sick. i felt like puking all the time. i have had no pain meds for more than a day. we stopped two hours in to get gas, an i had to go potty, so that took about 30 mins. not because of me, they had to smoke an also go potty. about 1 1/2 hours later we reached kcks an i was glad to be somewhere familiar. not soon after i was in st. jo. and then home. they brought my stuff in an then left, after checking the place.
the dogs were happy to see me, it took me 8 mins to get them to stop jumping all over me. my dad had made din an all i had to do was heat it up. stew an biscuts. he is asleep in the chair right now an at 945 he will be leaving for work, than it will be me an the dogs, an cats.
i have been working on slowly clearing my floor, an bed. i think my room needs to be rearranged, but that i will do when i have help.
my aunt came by an brought me her laundry to do, nothing big, and it will make me some money.
i have let the dogs out an back in, an will do so again soon. then i think i will fix hot chocolate, or hot tea.

walking around is hard, well hell, doing anything is hard, way harder than it was being in the hospital. i have no one doing things for me, or helping me, it is just me. an my dad sure did not make anything easier, "there is to be no talking about you an your situation between anyone here." meaning me an my family, or in their presence.
back to walking. i am doing most without the cane. it is not easy but there is usually something i can grab onto if needed. my legs are strong, an when i do walk i can walk normal it is just after a few steps i feel like my legs are going to break, or i forget what i need to do next, as in taking anther step.

i am nervous. my first night really being alone, an it scares me a bit. seeing my friends scares me a bit too. just because i feel like a little kid. haha.

any ways. i think monday or tuesday i will see if i can find someone to take me to thrift stores. i think i really do need to find a wheel chair. i do not trust myself enough to drive, or walk any more than a few steps at a time.

it is cold in here. my feet are frozen. i cannot find any of my socks. i think my brothers ate them, no joke. lol. so there is one thing to add to the list of things to get next time i go to the store. i also need to get gummy vitamins.  an it looks like shampoo an conditioner. my brothers are such selfish jerks. ah well.

finaly i got two cards , both from the canady's. one was a pig. haha. an then i got a samari hat. now i do not need a winter hat, it will keep me nice an warm. :) it is awesome.

a new chapter to this adventure has begun. and i am ready to face it head on.

last session

that is right, today was the last session of pt. it has come an gone. 6 hours. the last hour was spent like this. my therapist took me back to my room an sat there an typed out a pt exercise thingy on my laptop. it was cool. he sat there an watched some disney with me while he was typing. so i have a list of pt exercises on my computer. he did this for me, n for the people who asked me to get one. so if anyone wants a copy, let me know. i am sure there is something on there tht you can help me with, lol.
i slept really good last night. i even got to sleep in. i think that they had tried waking me up an i would not budge. lol. i did not go to pt til 11. yep. i had pt til 6, so he also ate din with me.

tomorrow i go home. it is so weird. why? because i cannot remember what it is like to be outside these walls. i am not sure i remember what my house looks like. it will be weird not having all this stuff, machines an such, an people, nurses lpns techs therapist guards, coming an going all through out the day an night, helping me, supporting me.
i sent a lot of my stuff home today. i just hope i can find it tomorrow. i wish i could take a few of these blankets home. they are pretty amazing!

tomorrow holds a lot for me. it scares me an excites me at the same time. it excites me because i will finally be free to call people an get calls, skype, travel, an so much more. it scares me because tomorrow i have to start doing a lot of things, hard things on my own.
this is when spoons will really be treated the way they are meant to be, cuz no longer will i have the resources to use spoons like nothing. tomorrow i will probably have10-15 spoons. this is how they will probably be used :
waking up, sitting up, getting out of bed, eating, going to the bathroom, showering, getting ready, packing what is left, saying good bye, going from room to my ride home, traveling, greeting the dogs, making my bed fit to sleep, washing dishes, making dinner, unpacking, letting the dogs out, going to the bathroom, then going to bed.

i am not sure if that is 15 but that is my day. i may get to drop a few from the list, but i may have to add some too. an choosing wht to do could mean either i miss a meal, the dogs do not get to go potty, or i sleep in the chair.

monday my brother alan is leaving the house to live somewhere else for a bit. both my brothers are gone for the weekend, as my sister told me, when she sent me a message telling me she left me a dvd player. i have no clue what that is. i asked her an she thinks i am being an idiot. or so she called me one.
so there will be no one at my house. i am trying to see if a friend is going to come over, an if not then i am going to block an lock my door until my dad gets home from work. also it means that i have to figure out food an other things for myself. my dad said he has turkey in the freezer but that i cannot touch it. but there is sandwhich stuff in the fridge. so i may be eating balone-knee for a while. or until i can get enough spoons saved to actually cook myself. wait i am not going to cook myself, i am going to cook food.
i do not have the energy to travel somewhere else for the night. tho i am really excited to start seeing people an fresh faces. 

i have had the joy of wearing socks around the hospital, but sadly i have to give them back. i have flip flops which are easy to put on an off, but i have a feeling i may need to do some shopping before mid dec.

last night, most of what is in this blog, plus more just really got to me. i know i am not supposed to be strong all the time, an nor down all the time, but when i get really really down, people act as if i have no reason to be, an tell me, basically, to get over it. the canady's were awesome tho. they stepped in an protected me. in a way, lol. the best thing that made me cry from laughing so hard, was mama canady dancing. it was not that it was funny, it was funny, but it was because she danced, just for me. it was great. one day i will dance with her, an then bambam can laugh all she wants, but she will soon realize that she needs to dance with us too. lol, no joke. or something like that. haha.
bambam made me cry too. she is one of the sweetest, kindest, big hearted people i know. she cares so much an loves even more. i cannot wait to be part of the family, no joke. one thing tho, that i am not sure about, is the limp noodle thing. i think she told me she is go to hit me with spaghetti, which is weird.

i have support. i have friends. i have family.. i have protectors. i am becoming ok with not being strong, with not being able to support an protect myself. an when i am strong an can, i am ok having those days where i just cannot. if that is getable.

piglet is awesome. just say. her mom in law is now my friend on facebook. her name is um debbie? she said she is go help me with pt, an she is have me for breakfast. i do not think she is go eat me, i think she is go feed me! yay!
piglet has be answer lot of my asks. no joke. an when i ask some, i ask tough stuff. lol. she tried explain what church, christian, bird, an some other stuff is to me.

i ask other people hard questions too. sometimes it is a question ihave already ask them but do not remember doing so. ash was ask me if i member month or two ago, an i said i do not.

it has been 3 months that i have been here. and i am told tht since july i have been more in the hospital than out of it.

so this god thing. i like the ideas of the god of the bible...well i am saying i do, cuz for some reason i do, even tho i cannot remember that reason. lol. i do not mind people talk about god. i want to learn, i need to learn. i have been invited to church, not sure if i can go. i would like to go see what a church is, what happens in church.

tomorrow will be here sooner than i think. i am overwhelmed by emotions of all sorts. i hve rapid heart beat an murmurs, n my heart is racing. it am weak tho my body almost looks like its normal self i think. but i am strong willed. finally time i admitted it. my main concern should be trying to have everything in place so all i have to do tomorrow when i get home is find something for din, an sleep. being alone does not scare me as much as seeing my friends does. but i am going to face both an i need to learn to man up. :) get some movies or pick some to watch, an lay in bed. maybe sit out with the dogs for a bit. what scares me the most is the world that is out there. what i will face, who i will face, an what it will throw my way. this is an adventure an emotions are all part of it. it is the last session, the last 24 hours, an the last of the last, beginning of the beginning. this is my life.

cheesy dance songs

i tried going to bed at 7 pm last night. i watched 3 veggie tale movies. it is a weird show that i do not quite get. i was up til 3 am. i tried everything to sleep. then i was up at 6.
i had aa dream  that i was in the hospital an i was in a patients room. i was looking out the window and there was this huge tornado on the ground. there were people standing at its base. it died, an then i saw people shouting an pointing saying , look it is coming down again and it did. i knew that i had to do something. i pulled the fire alarm an started yelling for everyone to get down to the basement. i went around making sure people were in the basement. we got to the basement which was the car parking garage, an everyone was safe. there was more to the dream but i do not really remember much besides that i was a male doctor...ya. explain that one.
my eyes are burning right now.

pt. it was really hard. but it was also easy in the way that i knew what i was doing. it is getting easier to take steps. an we started working on steps today, like stair steps. it will take some practice but i will get it.

tomorrow most of my stuff will be packed an taken home. just a few things to be left to go home with me when i go.

today i got off most meds cept otc pain killers. yay! there was not much to my day, except pt, bad news, and now this.

mama canady mentioned temp disability. i looked into it and even temp could take up to 6months to a year to get. i am just going to trust that what i need will be um provided when i need it. i will just ask santa.. :P

so i am going to sleep in a few hours. tho it is a bad day i am in a dancing mood. cannot touch this...we can dance if we want to, we can leave our cares behind.no joke. na yes i know i changed the lyrics. get over it! an dance!

meeting

last night i ended up watching a mix of halloween episodes from Barney, Thomas the Train, an a few other kid shows. Barney has changed from when i was little an so has bj an the other one. ah, well. the episodes were good. i had a dream that i was in president bushes house. we were in the second story, an outside one of the caged windows was a helicopter an a soldier. it was night time an a bad storm was rolling thro. there had been other people but as i looked out the window the car lot was not as full as before. bush told us to wait inside for the storm to pass. as i watched the helicopter being lifted off the ground an the soldier jump thro the window i said i think we should go to the basement. he looked at me an said we will be fine. so i went an sat on the couch. the storm had mostly passed an he had told us to leave. i got two pics with him. the end.
really weird.

i got up an got ready for the day. i went to pt. 3 hrs 50 mins later, i went to my room. there was a 5 min rest time before the meeting. 1pm i was back in the pt room. i spent about 3-4 minutes through the whole 4 hour session talking with becks. :) . now i did not realize what i had done, but i have not told you what i have um achieved? in pt, only how pt has gone. so , let me catch you up.
monday - i took 7steps with the help of therapist support an a cane. i took 1 step on my own. i got to the point where i can stand up on my own.
tuesday - i was able to put jeans on all by myself. i was able to lift a 2lb bag off the table. i could not hold it for long tho. i was able to take 10 steps with the cane, 5 without the help of the therapist, an 3 on my own.
wednesday - i took 14 steps 8 without help of the therapist, an 6 on my own.
those are the big things. it has taken me a lot of um trial an fail. i am also working on holding a pencil or something close to it. lifting an holding things. learning colors, numbers - 123's, asl, an many other things.

i have got a lot of people say how my speech/spelling an grammar is get better. i use spell check, an dictionary.com an that reverselookup thing alot. so ya, i have improved a bit, but it is mainly those things an the fact that my phone makes letters big when need to be an stuff like that.

now the meeting. it was my lawyer, the two fbi agents, and me. it was all stuff i already know. both guys are out, nothing can be done to put them behind bars unless they try something or do something against the bail terms or they are found guilty. also i will not have a guard detail like i do when i leave the hospital. my house will be watched. that is all i can say.

today is Jerusha birthday. her is bambams best friend. she is a really cool person, which means she is off the wall awesome. i have a lot of respect for her. i think her is an awesome mother, friend, an person. happy birthday, does not it feel good to be another year younger? :)

i have be go to bed around 10, which really means 12. it is odd for me. all day i am so dead tired. today i fell alseep during pt. hahaha. it was funny. i think. bambam always says the things worth doing are not always easy, or something like that. getting this stuff down so that when i get out i can continue to improve on it, is not easy at all. there have been times my therapists will say, okay, i think that is enough for today, an i will not stop. we never get the hard stuff done by taking it easy. i have time to take things easy after this week.

did i ever say how awesome my friends are? well , THEY ARE AWESOME!! yes, that means YOU. Ebony had read my post from yesterday an said she was go to talk her house church, what ever that is, an a friend to see if she can help out on stuff. bambam said she would make sure that i had what i needed. piglet said she was talk with her mom in law who is a cna to see how she could help. ash an stephen, kara an nicki, have all stated that they would help me learn things. shortie said she was go make cookies an watch a movie with me. then there is the big stuff. mama canady an rachel, are really wanting to squeeze the stuffing out of me, they both have say they want to hug me, lol. an then josi an cher an jasi all just are awesome. i cannot wait to visit them, and, since i am putting my messed up mind to it, it will happen. no joke.
there have been so many times i thought i was going thro this alone, was a lone, was going to have to do all this alone once i am home, an the whole time i have had an army of supporters, at my side, helping me get through every step of this, even when i did not see it. this month is november an thanksgiving is next week, but this is an early thing. i am thankful, blessed, an honored to have such awesome friends. friends who will stand by me even when i do not want them too or feel like they arenot there. friends who will tell me when i am wrong, when i am doing something wrong, an who will take the time to show me what it is that needs to be corrected. friends who are there to lift me up, encourage me, support me, guide an help me, an love me even when i feel i do not deserve it and/or when they themselves are in a rough patch. i know i do not deserve them, but they feel i do, an i am honored to be called their friend an to call them friend. always and forever

new number

today has been a blah day. i slept but i could barely keep my eyes open for the longest time. not to mention that i have had the worst time remembering anything or anyone today.
i finally got my phone activated. it was funny trying to set up the voicemail. lucky tho, had access to something where i have stated my first name. so we used that to set up my voice mail. so when people call me you hear me saying my name, but it is pre-recorded. someone tried calling me from a 202 number. it was weird. so my phone works. yay! and i have set ringtones for those i have in my address book.

so there is one thing that i finally came out an admitted yesterday. yes one the reasons i am working so hard in pt is to make things easier for me an others. but that is not the main reason. Saturday i had got an email from my dad. he said he got a letter an his insurance is not go to pay for anything after this week. blue shield blue cross, is not good insurance at all. then he also said he is take me off his insurance. so there it is. the doctor said it would be good if i stayed a few more weeks but he feels that i will be ok either way. so i am constantly in a pt state. i do 8 hours of physical work. then most the night i am working on my memory. tho today we worked on the simple every day tasks for a hour.
today was the first day that i wore jeans. pjs or sweats are always easier to put on. jeans were a challenge but something i got on all by myself. i have to wear shorts an a belt with most things an even that is not enough. small shirts are become my new size, because med is a lil too big.

i was talk to ash last night an she said to e that she saw walker at the thrift shop an thought bout get it for me. i have never used a walker. i said it would be nice to have two canes tho. lol. but she gave me a good idea. an no the idea is not an excuse to be lazy or not work as hard, but it is for convi...that word. lol. i should go to the thrift stores in town an see if i can find a wheel chair. prob get it cheap.

i have a list of things that i need to get once i am out of here, or the start of a list:
vitamins - the gummy kind.          memory games - one of which is memory its self. flash cards or things that will help me improve my memory an help me learn.          gloves an a hat. lol. an really i do not need any of this. it is not important for my survival.

glee is on tonight. i am happy about that.. an then in 2 weeks Rizzoli an Isles comes back on...woot woot!

i have got to say, i have got some of the BEST friends in the whole world. better than what i could ask for. bambam keeps saying i am deserving of them. she says if i have good friends it is because i am a good friend. i in no way consider myself a good friend at all. but my friends are awesome. bambam had me crying 3 times last night. she is so awesome. her, jasi, piglet, they all were really awesome yesterday in their own different ways. it was great. and i was not expecting most of it at all. no joke.

tonight i am beyond wore out. i am beyond exhausted.. i am so tired that i cannot sleep. i hurt alot. an there are things that are getting me down. i feel i just cannot give anything else but know that i must this week is what i have, then i am on my own. tomorrow during lunch i have a meeting with lawyer an others from the case.

i am really looking forward to the time with friends next month.

an finally. for those who want it, i will be sending a message too all, so you may get the message, but here is my new number 18162942908. i get text, pics, vids, an after monday, skype.

countdown

i am too tired to think. but i am going to so i can make this sound at least half way right an understandable.

i got 6 hrs an 45 minutes done of pt, an then i went to go take a 5th step an i fell. the only strength i had was taken with the thought that i cannot move. hahaha. i really pushed myself today. i keep think, if i can only get to where i can take so many steps, i will be just fine.
i think one of the reasons i am pushing my self so hard, is cuz i do not have a wheel chair. and even if i did, using it in my house just would not do. the house is too small. first thing i have to deal with, which is no burden for me, is the dogs. bubbles will be soooooooooooo happy to see me that she will be jumping all over me, an elvis will be wanting to play so he will be barking an snapping at bubbles. and then i would have to take them outside. which there is only walking room to get to the back door. next thing will be picking up some of my room an washing some stuff, so i can make my bed an lay in it. the third thing i am going to do is going to be a surprise.

6 hrs 45 mins of pt. i broke me. i wore me down. i gave everything i had, an then some. i fell. i was down for the count. the whole day i had been taking 6-7 steps with help. an sometime just 1 on my own, with no help of people or a cane. i had been pushing my self. hard. it got to this moment. i took the 4 steps. an i was determined to take the next one. i was shaking hard. i mustered up what i had an took the 5th step an then i fell. i hit the mat. i was not even going to move. it was my breaking point. i was done. i smiled  a little.

i am pushing my self hard. i do not want my friend to have to be burdened a lot by me. i want to be able to walk using the cane, esp since i hve no wheel chair. i am pushing myself hard so that when i fall, an i will, i can get myself back up. and those times that i cannot, that is when i will gladly accept help.
i know i cannot do this all on my own. an right now i am not trying too. what i am trying to do is make things easier. for everyone else.

there are things that i will not get to do, or be able to do. i cannot go places that take a lot of walking or standing. i cannot do a lot of stuff in the winter, because of the cold mess with my body, an how slick it is outside.

i will prob fall sleep at the most random times. i will get tired, an stop in the middle of things if i think i cannot do whatever any longer. i will have bad moments, tho they should be rare. an i will forget you, me, an stuff all the time. no joke.

today my mind has not been work right. i thought it was tuesday, an march. an so many other things i forgot. scks.

i was going to go to bed early but when i have a friend in need, i will be a true friend indeed.

i changed my profile pictre. i cring looking at it. you can tell my cloths do not fit me, an i am still pretty pasty white. you cannot really tell but there are bags under my eyes. an i still look like i am real thin. i cannot stand look at that pic.

monday, the 20th i am supposed to get um discharged from the hospital. no welcome wagon to greet me other than the dogs. which is good enough for me.

tomorrow morn, i am going to take care of my phone. an will give all who want it, my new number.

for now i am tired. i am not even sure if there is anyting in my head. i have given my all, an all that i ask for in return is a kind smile, a gentle hug, an the soft whisper saying i love you, i am proud. the warmth an comfort that will help me sleep. lol. no joke.

mirror

i have rediscovered the music on my laptop. an this song was one of them on it. it is called Mirror by Barlow Girl an it is in ASL, yes there is sound.

this song does not really go with this post but it was the thing that gave me the idea for this post.no joke

in the pt room, there is a wall with nothing but mirrors. after a long hard day 3 hours, of pt, - most of this next week will be 8 hours of pt - i was standing waiting for the wheel chair to come give me some relief, an i looked at the mirror. i had to double take because i thought that my reflection was someone else. i looked around an soon figured out that there was no one else that who i had saw was my self.

two weeks, three weeks ago, if i saw my reflection, i would cringe. no joke. there was no meat to me. you could see where my bones met, the edges of them, and even some um depth to them. i looked like a skeleton, a starved adult. the white ghostly color did not help. it would not have surprised me if someone thot i was dead. that is how white i was. i had hardly any hair. an there were huge bags under my eyes. i could not stand to save my own life. i could not eat without my body rejecting it. i was a hidious sickly dead looking person. it was like death herself had sucked the life right out of me.

where had i been all this time. why did it surprise me to see myself. why did i assume it was someone else wearing the same pj bottoms, an shirt that i was. forgetting my self was one thing, but not um recognizing myself was another. made for total failure of self. no joke.

i looked at the mirror. i starred at myself. an a grin snuck its way across my face. i lifted my shirt enough to see my tummy. that is right, i have a tummy. i thought to myself, i am getting fat, knowing that i am not. but it seems like it when you are so used to seeing the death kissed you instead of whoyou are now. i am still boney, but i am getting muscle an fat an meat back on them. i am still paler than normal but i have some color. an now i have hair, an can do some stuff with it. right where i was, i was standing, an for a while too. on my own. with support of something of course. i still look tired as hell, rightly so. i am eating use 3 meals a day plus snacks. an it does stay in my body until...well you know. duty calls. lol. i look  a lot better. there is life in me.




people tell me, good job on pt, but remember you need your rest too. dude, i am go to rest when i am dead, whether that be in the near or far future. right now my main goal is to get me on my own feet, to make life a little more simple for me an every one else.

i may get out friday, maybe monday, maybe later, but i am hope for the best, an work hard to make the best a reality.

Sami

last night was good. i talked wit bambam, Rachel, Jasi, Nicki, an Josi for a bit.
today i got to talk wit bambam, shortie, an ash, for  a bit.

i woke up this am in a lot of pain. my neck, my back, an the worst, my ribs. my head always hurts so i do not really count it. i did not want to move or do a single thing but go back to bed. i slept a lot today. i was tired. still am. i guess i exhausted myself out this week.

i keep saying two weeks. but to be for real it is one week an then me is supposed to be out. fri, sat, or monday, just depends on what the doc says an how the week goes. i say two weeks because then friends can cme see me an i them if them no see me before hand, an if things go good! i am really look forward to see all of friends. no joke.
i googled a christmas tree. me is go help me dad cut one down after thanksgiving if him say we is. i am curious to see how stardust is going to react to a christmas tree. i think to really welcome him into the family i am go to stick him in a stocking head first. or see if he will go in on his own.

christmas i am still not sure what i go do yet. if i could go to seattle i would, it does not look like i can um afford it tho. boo. 270-320 is not bad for a ticket, i think but is a whole months paycheck for me. i would have no money to do stuff with bambam an others. that would be sad.
there is still hope. maybe i will come upon some cash, an than be able to fly out there with stephen an ash. yep. an then, i could become good friends with the couch. :) . hahaha. i just thought that if i become good friends with the couch i should give it a name. lol. silly me.
bambam say it be better to come visit round christmas cuz then they would be round more than if i came to visit in end jan. cuz then no one would be home. which would mean, i would do a lot of sleeping. haha.

today i got to talk wit my friend sami. she emails me everyonce in a while. we met a while back. it was a good convo. next year she graduate high school. she is awesome.

it is sad that i will not have no money til 12 december to do stuff wit me friends. i think that what i will do is spend a few days or however long with kara an joey an nicki, an then go to moberly for a week or two. an then come back an spend christmas with my family. but it all depend on how things go an what happens.
i would never go back to moberly if it was not that i have friends there. even then, tho i love them lots, it is a big step. but none the less, i am going to visit my friends an not my past. no joke
an if my past shows up, well, there will be some butt kickn. no joke


i have not ate. not yet. but someone is bringing me food. not sure what it is but i hope it is edible. the cafeteria closed an they cannot get me a dinner now...so boo.

i will have a new phone number. sad day. i had just learned mine. now a new one to learn..i will inbox people it tho. i am also go to assign songs to each of you. hahaha. me granma is getting granma got ran over by a raindear. i think bambam is go get flinstone them song. shortie is either go get the smurfs, or the shortie song. haha. this is go be fun. :)

shortie ask me if i had watch any movies lately an i say no. i would like to have a movie date, but may just be solo on that.

any ways. tomorrow is the day i start counting down. tomorrow i am go to be busy. i am work real hard, but i also know i got to rest.

The Freedom We Have

in honor of Veterans Day it is only right that i honor the memory of my granpa, Chris Link, an so many of my friends an family that have given their lives an that are serving with a blog. the video below is American Soldier by Toby Keith, the video has actual footage of military personel in action.

   in my granma's living room is  picture of my granpa at 18 in his uniform. he was in the air force. my granma an  him ran off together, got married, an started their life as a military couple. they went to germany where they were stationed for a bit. my granma thought she would never have children, so they decided to adopt, as did a lot of other military couples. they adopted my dad from Hiedleberg, Germany, he was not even a year old. my granpa served for 20 years, then retired.
it was because of my granpa, an the fact that i did  not want to do gym, that i joined army JROTC. i had planned on following my granpa's foot steps but certain things kept me from doing so. being in JROTC was my way of honoring my granpa. every time i put on my uniform i wore it proudly, an i would always go visit my granpa. what always got me was he would salute me, i always saluted back. he was proud of me. he took a pictre of me one day in my uniform standing in front of his house.
that same year was the year that i met Chris Link. he had been in the military for two years. our friendship started off hard but eventually we became really good friends. over the next four years i would watch him come an go on tours. he moved up to special ops. i cannot tell you the countless times i cried or wondered if he was okay, if he was going to come home.
the next school year, (freshman year, the year before, was when my granpa took that pic), my granpa died. the funeral was great. we got to the cemetery an they handed my granma the flag after folding it, then they shot off the guns with a 21 gun salute. after that i wore my uniform with even more dignity than before.
     four years later, my best friend, was getting ready to go on another tour. few days before he left we were talking, he pulled me close, wrapped his arms around me, an said "the sun shines for you, an you alone. everytime i look at it i will think about you. but there is no way the sun could even start to brighten up my day as you do. all the stars, no matter how many you count, could never add up to the amount of love that i have for you. you have been the reason i fight, the reason i come home, the reason i live an breath. you, are my hero!" he then took me, spun me to face him, took my face in his hands, an stared so deep in me that at that moment we were one. i watched his eyes tear up, he smiled, an then in a soft voice he said "there is no distance i would not travel, no enemy to big, no wound to great, that could stop me from being wit you. i cannot go an fight, i cannot go on living, without knowing, that you will be here waiting for me. will you give me a reason to fight, a reason to live, will you be here waiting for me, waiting to start our life together, as one?" i was stunned. i reached up an wiped the tears from his face, an i looked deep into his eyes, "when you look at the sun, know that i am looking at the sky too, when you are fighting, know that you are fighting for us, an know that when you get back, that i will be here waiting to start our lives together." he smiled an then wrapped me in his arms an kissed my head. two days later he left. we had promised not to say anything to anyone until he got back. a month later i was sitting in my dad's house, there was a knock at the door. it was the chaplin an the other guy, they told me that Chris had died. he had been killed while playing with some of the village kids. 4-5 days later i remember sitting in this room, an there was a bunch of people in it. i remember sitting in one of the chairs trying to hold my self together, and with a shaky voice an eyes full of tears, i started to say something an all i remember is, "my best friend Chris died".

there is not a time that does not go by that i do not think about my granpa, an Chris. what could have been, what was. they are forever in my heart, an i am proud to have known both of them.

i am still here waiting, for something that will never happen. keeping the memory of my two heroes in my heart. never forgetting the sacrifice they gave for me an for you.

we take for granted the things that we have, even if we do not thing we do, we do. how many lives have been, are being, an will be given so that we can have the life that we have? one thing i learned in RO is that when you see a veteran, or someone who is serving, shake their hand an tell them thank you, cuz in all reality, unless we are willing to serve, that is the only way that we can even come close to showing our appreciation.

here is a thing that i wrote a year ago yesterday. we will never forget, an we should all be forever thankful.

SOLDIERS

 
We all have a war to fight
Our whole life we are in and out of wars
we pray the next one will make everything right
so we don't have to add to our sorrows and sores
Putting on our uniforms our demeanor changes
We prepare to walk in not knowing if we'll come out
Goodbyes seem to be our only exchanges
On to the battlefield we walk with cries of war we shout
The only thing going through our heads are thoughts of survival
Game face on we are determined to make it past the end
As much as it sucks it may mean killing a rival
Knowing that both sides have honor to defend
Avoiding bullets and blasts
With the enemy we clash
In our memories this moment lasts
In time this war is like a dash
It's over now
We have won
We treasure victory for as long as time will allow
It's all done
A medal is put around our neck
A sign of honor and strength
Humbling us and putting others in check
For this war there is no length
Even after death it doesn't stop
You never really find closure
But that's just a pen's drop
In the life and breath of a soldier.

hopes an dreams

lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.

so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:

brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.

 let me break this down real quick for you.
pt  - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.

everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.

the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.

down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have  no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.

feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.

friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.

love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.

give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.

sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.


an now on wit the rest of my blog.

so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working!  still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.

so this blog is about dreams an hopes.

i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.

i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.

sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.

for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...

i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.