mirror

i have rediscovered the music on my laptop. an this song was one of them on it. it is called Mirror by Barlow Girl an it is in ASL, yes there is sound.

this song does not really go with this post but it was the thing that gave me the idea for this post.no joke

in the pt room, there is a wall with nothing but mirrors. after a long hard day 3 hours, of pt, - most of this next week will be 8 hours of pt - i was standing waiting for the wheel chair to come give me some relief, an i looked at the mirror. i had to double take because i thought that my reflection was someone else. i looked around an soon figured out that there was no one else that who i had saw was my self.

two weeks, three weeks ago, if i saw my reflection, i would cringe. no joke. there was no meat to me. you could see where my bones met, the edges of them, and even some um depth to them. i looked like a skeleton, a starved adult. the white ghostly color did not help. it would not have surprised me if someone thot i was dead. that is how white i was. i had hardly any hair. an there were huge bags under my eyes. i could not stand to save my own life. i could not eat without my body rejecting it. i was a hidious sickly dead looking person. it was like death herself had sucked the life right out of me.

where had i been all this time. why did it surprise me to see myself. why did i assume it was someone else wearing the same pj bottoms, an shirt that i was. forgetting my self was one thing, but not um recognizing myself was another. made for total failure of self. no joke.

i looked at the mirror. i starred at myself. an a grin snuck its way across my face. i lifted my shirt enough to see my tummy. that is right, i have a tummy. i thought to myself, i am getting fat, knowing that i am not. but it seems like it when you are so used to seeing the death kissed you instead of whoyou are now. i am still boney, but i am getting muscle an fat an meat back on them. i am still paler than normal but i have some color. an now i have hair, an can do some stuff with it. right where i was, i was standing, an for a while too. on my own. with support of something of course. i still look tired as hell, rightly so. i am eating use 3 meals a day plus snacks. an it does stay in my body until...well you know. duty calls. lol. i look  a lot better. there is life in me.




people tell me, good job on pt, but remember you need your rest too. dude, i am go to rest when i am dead, whether that be in the near or far future. right now my main goal is to get me on my own feet, to make life a little more simple for me an every one else.

i may get out friday, maybe monday, maybe later, but i am hope for the best, an work hard to make the best a reality.