lately i have found that songs help me to get my point across. this song kind of says what this blog is about. lets pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...if you have not heard this song you should give it a listen. it is really good.
so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:
brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.
let me break this down real quick for you.
pt - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.
everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.
the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.
down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.
feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.
friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.
love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.
give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.
sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.
an now on wit the rest of my blog.
so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working! still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.
so this blog is about dreams an hopes.
i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.
i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.
sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.
for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...
i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.
so before i start i want to share this that i posted on my google + account an my facebook:
brittany amber frakes is not digging a grave but building a stair case. i am working so so sooooo hard in pt. i am so tired of being in this pit. of always going back to square 1. i am going to break away from everything that is hopeless, the road ahead looks wonderful an that is the road i am going to travel. everyone always thinks i am down an out when i write in my blog but that is not how it is thro my eyes. i am working thro things i do not understand. life is a big mystery to me right now. my past, my memories, they are all scattered or gone, an i am trying to put them together an fill in the gaps. to be honest i feel i am doing it all alone. in no way do i blame anyone else but me for that. i do not know if it is um..pride or what holding me back from embracing my friendships, or if it the pain that once i lock on it will all disappear. in two weeks i would like to walk out of here, i would like to go home, i would like to go to the river an just drown. drown my sorrows, my anguish, an my pain. i would like to be the friend an person that others need me to be, i would like to have a love that is deep an not so shallow. each step on this stair case is either a goal or a failure, either way i will have given my all, an even then, will still give until it kills me. there is no truth, no success, no love, without the pain of sacrifice, an love an sacrifice is something i need to learn.
let me break this down real quick for you.
pt - the normal thing is 2 sessions a day. i am going 3-4 sessions a day. which means 2 3-4 hour sessions a day. which is most of my day. i want to build myself up, i am almost up to 110lbs, so that if something were to happen, i would not be at square one. even if i forget everything, i will have my strength.
everything hopeless - i do believe that there is always, always, hope. no joke but i am getting away from the stuff that is not good for me. family, this town, the never ending drama an stress.
the road ahead looks wonderful - there are so many things to look forward too. visiting friend, moving, hugs from mama canady, nikki, Rachel, an others. A job, hopefully in the field that i want. not to mention the small stuff, like walking, talking, running, singing, dancing. i know it is not going to be easy an all happy giddy time but at least the pot holes are rare.
down an out - NO. i am try to understand my world. everything has changed. i have no clue what a car or tree is. i do not always know what i am saying, or if i am spelling stuff right, thank for spell check an other people. everything, EVERYTHING is an adventure, something new, an big, an scary. i am not sure of colors or words, or objects. everything is basically new to me. i mean there are things that i know about, that i just can do, but alot is new to me.
i do not understand my emotions, why or why not i feel one way or another about something. so blogging helps me work everything out.
the memory. it has a lot of gaps. i may remember something one day an forget it the next. it takes me about 30 mins in the morning to remember who i am, where i am, etc. it has been that way for the last week or two. i am not sure.
feel like - i wish i could say i know, with certainty, that my friends are there, but it seems the times i need them, they are not there. it just sucks esp when there are some things that i cannot put in my blog, an need to talk about. no problem tho. if i cannot talk about it i just ignore it.
i hate being alone. i do alright for the most part for a few hours at a time, but, night time, is a no can do thing. i mean i can, i just do not want to, it scares me.
friendship - i do not know why i am so scared of losing friends, esp ones that i know are not going any where. i guess i am scared of getting hurt. another thing is that i am not sure how to be the friend i need to be, let alone the person i need to be. i let people, anyone, know that if they need someone to talk to about anything, that i am here. i do not judge, it is not my place, i listen, an am there in the very end no matter what is said to me. i try to offer advice. i am a good person to talk to cuz eventually i forget everything, an i never say a word, unless you are talk about hurt you or someone else. no joke. then i do not care if you get pissed off at me.
love - i really need to work on loving people with a love that is unconditional. i am not good at loving people. no joke.
give it all - i am tired of being in a pit, where i just seem to be going no where. what ever the future holds, life, death, long, short, i am going to fight for it. i will give it all i have an still give more. i will give my last breath as long as i was able to put one more step into doing a good job.
sacrifice - i need to learn how to do this an do it well. no joke.
an now on wit the rest of my blog.
so today. i did pt. but it was an easy day. i mean i worked hard, but did not over do it. i can take one step but getting my other foot to take the other step, is not working! still am make that hum noise some times i can do it on purpose. i am standing for longer an longer every time i do it. i am also working on the words in my, um...vocabulary. Jasi gave me a link to this website an it really is helping. an i use dictionary.com a lot.
last night i had a bad moment an i had just fell sleep too. not on purpose, the sleep that is, well the bad moment also. i woke up an was on the floor. took close to 50mins for the nurse to finally come in. i could not move. i was so sore an tired. an then they wanted me to stay up even longer, i went to bed an woke back up.
i got a shower today. an then i talk with bambam for a bit. i think i made her smile.
i am gaining weight. muscle mainly. i have lost a lot of weight but you can def see the muscle building. no joke. i am getting color back too.
so this blog is about dreams an hopes.
i am thankful for my friend who pointed out a very important thing to me. do not hope for much an do not worry because i could still be stuck here in the hospital by the time christmas comes around. who knows if i will ever leave.
i have dreams, things i want to do when i am out of here. but it is starting to seem more an more that those dreams that will stay in the clouds.
sometimes i wonder if indeed all those things that are down the road really are as wonderful as they look or if they are empty dreams. but i am going to do everything i can to make those dreams an hopes a reality, even if i have to do it all on my own.
for some reason i have had this song in my head all day - i am on the battlefield fighting for...
i am fighting for another day in this adventurous journey, time with friends, hugs, ice cream, snow, cuddle time, life.
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