last night was really good. skyping with bambam. she is really one amazing person. good at telling stories too. hahaha.
my siblings were up most the night fighting, came to 5 an they stopped. i got to sleep at about 6 only to be woke up when dad got home to it all starting again. an no matter how loud my tv got, i could still barely hear it. both the dogs an my cat were on my bed with me, an did not budge when i went to the door to some how tell them to shut up. when i sign, they have a name for it, my retarded freakout. or something like that. they are jerks. then a while later bubbles jumped on me an i fell down. i tried getting back up an they just laughed. an laughed harder when i fell back down. i got up tho, with tears.
i do not get why it is ok for my family to say or do or treat how ever they want. it pisses me off.
my aunt came an got me an we went to her house. i did some stuff, that i could, like dishes, an helped her wrap stuff. then she took me to the bank. 118 in my account an most of that has to go towards car insurance, then my next pay check, 180 will go to renewing the tags on my car, which should not be more than 50 something. my dad said that i only need a year since i will be moving to washington.
my aunt went to the dollar tree an did some shoping for me. the shampoo conditioner, even got some flash cards. now to find someone to help me with them.
got back home, alan an everyone went to court, came back, have to go back tomorrow. they all started fighting again. drama drama drama.
so many people keep telling me, you should get this, you should apply for that, you should go here, you should, you should, you should....the more i hear it the more it upsets me. i am working on finding a wheel chair an getting better at walking at the same time. i have looked into disability an social security an medicade. i have thought about going here an there. i know people are concerned, people care, an i am thank for that. it just makes me feel really bad that i cannot walk more than a few steps, an do not have a wheel chair, that it would take months to get disability or ssi or medicade/medicare. i feel weird about going and staying at a house with people i have not met, an i know that they are awesome, but i just feel like i am putting more weight on people. i figure i have a week here, if not longer. i feel like if i go some where else i am running away from stuff.
i know it would be good for me to go. so i am thinking about when to do it, how to go about it. it is just a weird thing for me just to say hey can i come sleep in your house an be lazy. haha. i know it is not being lazy but i feel like it is. i think if i do not get to meet debbie an paul before next week that i will indeed do so soon.
i know i need all the rest i can get, i know that this drama an stress is not good for me, i know that it sucks that i cannot walk, talk, or a lot of things. i also know i am not geting the rest i need, i am doing good to get a sanwhich ate everyday. i know that all the help i can get is a good thing, an i am very thank for it.
i just feel i am being a burden for people. i feel that like jasi has said, no matter where i am i am going to feel bad for not helping out, or doing my share. i hate not being able to walk much, or speak. or think.
i am trying my best tho. i am trying to help do what i can. i am starting to figure out this humming thing, an sometimes i swear i say a word under my breath without realizing it. i even got my legs shaking a lot, sometimes i do that without even knowing until i realize i am doing it. after about a minute or two they get tired, but hey, it is building muscle an i can do it.
there seems to be a lot that people are just expecting from me. i cannot do it all. failure is all i have been hearing an seeing all day, well it is not all, but it is the 97% of the all. i feel like a failure, i feel i am letting lot of people down, by not do this or not do that.
am i leeting people down? am i not giving my best? am i that burden?
i am complaining. i am really really tired. not getting the sleep i need. i wish i could move my tv to the other side of my room, maybe i will do that tomorrow. or try to. i have to go out of town tomorrow afternoon for a bit. then after 5 i have a skype date. exciting.
maybe tonight will be peaceful an i will get some good sleep.
my siblings were up most the night fighting, came to 5 an they stopped. i got to sleep at about 6 only to be woke up when dad got home to it all starting again. an no matter how loud my tv got, i could still barely hear it. both the dogs an my cat were on my bed with me, an did not budge when i went to the door to some how tell them to shut up. when i sign, they have a name for it, my retarded freakout. or something like that. they are jerks. then a while later bubbles jumped on me an i fell down. i tried getting back up an they just laughed. an laughed harder when i fell back down. i got up tho, with tears.
i do not get why it is ok for my family to say or do or treat how ever they want. it pisses me off.
my aunt came an got me an we went to her house. i did some stuff, that i could, like dishes, an helped her wrap stuff. then she took me to the bank. 118 in my account an most of that has to go towards car insurance, then my next pay check, 180 will go to renewing the tags on my car, which should not be more than 50 something. my dad said that i only need a year since i will be moving to washington.
my aunt went to the dollar tree an did some shoping for me. the shampoo conditioner, even got some flash cards. now to find someone to help me with them.
got back home, alan an everyone went to court, came back, have to go back tomorrow. they all started fighting again. drama drama drama.
so many people keep telling me, you should get this, you should apply for that, you should go here, you should, you should, you should....the more i hear it the more it upsets me. i am working on finding a wheel chair an getting better at walking at the same time. i have looked into disability an social security an medicade. i have thought about going here an there. i know people are concerned, people care, an i am thank for that. it just makes me feel really bad that i cannot walk more than a few steps, an do not have a wheel chair, that it would take months to get disability or ssi or medicade/medicare. i feel weird about going and staying at a house with people i have not met, an i know that they are awesome, but i just feel like i am putting more weight on people. i figure i have a week here, if not longer. i feel like if i go some where else i am running away from stuff.
i know it would be good for me to go. so i am thinking about when to do it, how to go about it. it is just a weird thing for me just to say hey can i come sleep in your house an be lazy. haha. i know it is not being lazy but i feel like it is. i think if i do not get to meet debbie an paul before next week that i will indeed do so soon.
i know i need all the rest i can get, i know that this drama an stress is not good for me, i know that it sucks that i cannot walk, talk, or a lot of things. i also know i am not geting the rest i need, i am doing good to get a sanwhich ate everyday. i know that all the help i can get is a good thing, an i am very thank for it.
i just feel i am being a burden for people. i feel that like jasi has said, no matter where i am i am going to feel bad for not helping out, or doing my share. i hate not being able to walk much, or speak. or think.
i am trying my best tho. i am trying to help do what i can. i am starting to figure out this humming thing, an sometimes i swear i say a word under my breath without realizing it. i even got my legs shaking a lot, sometimes i do that without even knowing until i realize i am doing it. after about a minute or two they get tired, but hey, it is building muscle an i can do it.
there seems to be a lot that people are just expecting from me. i cannot do it all. failure is all i have been hearing an seeing all day, well it is not all, but it is the 97% of the all. i feel like a failure, i feel i am letting lot of people down, by not do this or not do that.
am i leeting people down? am i not giving my best? am i that burden?
i am complaining. i am really really tired. not getting the sleep i need. i wish i could move my tv to the other side of my room, maybe i will do that tomorrow. or try to. i have to go out of town tomorrow afternoon for a bit. then after 5 i have a skype date. exciting.
maybe tonight will be peaceful an i will get some good sleep.
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