Goodbye

What a year this has been. ...or so I can only imagine. ...because I certainly cannot remember. I do know that the coming year will not be add bad as this year has been. ...well I do not know but I can only hope that it is not. I am not looking  forward to the new year but I am ready to get it over with.

This year had been full of turmoil and pain. Most which I hope to leave  behind.

I have had the honour of making some really awesome friends. A few which have saved my life and brought me through countless storms. These friends I am grateful for.
I just hope that they are there for me in the next part of my adventure. I hope that I get to still have the pleasure and honor of calling them friend and family.

I am not sure what the new year will bring ....happiness. ...pain. ...both. ...less or more. ....

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. 

Fool

My last few days:
           Have been spent playing Mario an kicking but.except when it kicked mine an I had to start the second world all over. Doing dishes…which oddly for some reason I enjoy doing…idk if it is because of the satisfction of getting them clean or of just contributing or both. Plus it gives me something to do. Making beds. I made ash an stephens the other morning an ash said I made it better than she does. Which I do not believe. I also made my bed, not the couch…tho I should have at least once because it would hve been hilarious, put a sign up that says stay off my lawn…lol. But yes my bed that is in my room. I have also spent time putting my room together. Tho it did not take long. But it is also cady’s room. I always share my room with the dogs…and cats, and other animals…and cady loves it. Organizing…my room an the dining table. And laundry…so I should be set on laundry for a few weeks.

Now on to the fool….the title of this blog post. These things are what make me a fool.

Stress -
       It just seems to get more and more intense. There are some days where I get to bed an I wonder if I will be able to sleep because of how stressed I am. There have been a few days where I felt sick to my stomach because of the stress.

Sleep -
       Another stressful thing. I have been sleeping better since I started sleeping in this room. I leave the sheet tied up at night to let some of the heat out an to let cady come an go as wants. I can barely feel my fan at night an it is usually full blast. That is how hot it gets in this room. Which when it starts getting in the single ditigs and there is snow an ice, it will be nice.
    I get to sleep an then I wake up, like last night at 1143 thinking it has been a full night sleep. Nope. So I will go back to bed wake up at 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. I sleep good, tossing an turning, but I still wake up all thro the night. I am always up before my alarm an after 5 am I do not bother going back to sleep until bed time that night.
   Dreams have been dreams an memories…sometimes both. Last night I had a horrible dream/memory. Someone who was suppose to be protecting me did the complete opposite. And then I basically relived one of the worst heart wrenching days of my life. RIP A&S! most of my dreams lately have been horrible. Someone trying to kill me, or of people who I once knew or should know. Last night in my dream I told ash an stephen something…I yelled it at them, I was fed up with something an I opened my mouth an just said it, and then they were mad at me for it, but I did not care. So a lot of dreams go like that also, I will talk or not talk an be scared either way. But for a split second it makes me feel really good.

St jo -
     So I am moving to Moberly, I am not sure for how long. I know, I was sure I would not want to come back to this town ever, but alas, here I am an really it is not even the town that I enjoy being in it is being with two of my best friends.
       It is not safe in st jo. An I got the approval to move here so it is best esp with everything that is going on in st jo.
        I do need to get some stuff from there. And Debbie cockram told me that I cn stay with her anytime an that she will help me with pt. which that would be awesome. She is only 4 blocks from my dads house. Which is another awesome thing.
         The other day I was thinking that I would get elvis another buddy an bring bubbles here with me but elvis is attached to bubbles. He cannot be away from her. So maybe a visit…which would be nice because I miss my girl. I miss elvis an stardust too but bubbles Is my baby. It would be cool to bring stardust down here but he would prob go crazy not having too much to do other than chase an be chased by cady. Lol. Plus ash does not want a cat..lol.

Room -
     I organized my room, still weird to say. Ash was sure putting that rack in here would help me not to have to bend over. Well….we were both wrong. I mean it helps some but I also have to reach high to where I almost fall backwards every single time. Putting a shelf or two up  might help. I need to get hangers. An that would help.
      I also found a lantern lamp at walmart for like 12 bucks that I want to get so I can see at night instead of walking from one side to the other and back again, across the house that is, just to get to my room. I was trying to find like glow in the dark strips or tape to put on the floor to mark door ways and other things but I could not find it.
      It is a nice room. Just right for me. An cady. I need to get a few extra pillows so I am not sleeping on the wall or the head board. Cady thinks it is her room too. She disappeared for like 30mins an I went looking for her an I found her, in my room on my bed…and she would not move for the longest time. She got over her fear of the sheet that is hanging as my door. One reason I tied it up an put it up was so cady could come in an out but now I do not have to worry about it.

PT - (physical therapy)
    I have not done this in a long long time. Like the physical stuff….mainly because I do not know how too. I walk around, like the other day we went to 3 different stores an I walked pretty much the whole store…it really hurt an made me weak, but I did it. I stand for long times. I lift things sometimes even if I know that it is too heavy, I play with cady, etc.
    Piglet was working with me on letters an numbers, an I have forgotten most of them. The book that her an her mum in law got me frustrates the CRAP out of me. I try so hard but it is sooo hard. Ash is like do not lift off the paper…it is hard.
I wish pt was something that happened every day. Both physical an mental stuff.
  Because of the slacking, which I knew would happen, I have noticed that I am moving backwards an not improving. You can say that my spelling an grammar are but I have been using word to type my blog post the last few times so it corrects almost everything. My walking has gone back to where my feet are not separating and I am almost triping over myself…I can barely stand to stand or walk..

Health -
    Someone asked me how my health was. Well to be honest….everyday I feel like crap. I never show it, but it is how I feel. I bet most people never really feel pain in all their head. I get this throbbing pain every day that travels around my whole head. It makes me dizzy, my balance becomes even more off, and I get really tired. Sometimes grumpy. But I am grumpy. Esp with my bottom wisdom tooth coming in…gah. Lately I wake up an my arms an legs are so sore that I can barely move. That is another good thing about this room. I cross the laundry room into the kitchen an there is a table with chairs right as I enter the door. Sometimes I am not even sure I can walk to it, but I do because I like spending my first waking hours with stephen an ash.
     I am trying my hardest not to get sick. Because getting sick could become more than a cold an turn into me going back into the hospital…which would aggrivate everyone.
It seems all I want to do any more is either sleep or move around, even tho moving around is painful. I know I need to start sleeping more.
      Some good stuff is I have not fell in almost 4 days. I have not had a seizure, or one that I know of, for a few weeks. Today I did get a black eye, someish, I was playing with cady an I was not expecting her to come back an try to naw at me…got me below the eye an on the chin…my fault.
       The smallest hit to the head use to knock me out an cause serious problems, now it just causes some problems an a lot of pain. Like when cady got me in the face I almost passed out, I had to grab the table just in case.
        I force myself to push beyond my spoonage because lately it seems that is what everyone wants. One day I may fall over but I will try to get back up an keep pushing.
     

Family -
        I still get crap from them. My aunt has text me, being her nosy self, asking me when I was coming back to work, why I was not in town, when I was going to be in town, where I am, who I am with, ect. She keeps bringing up things related to the case, and she keeps being mean.
     Dustin an I have been texting. It is good talking with him. He is my twin. He got the dogs two of those huge dog bones an stardust some treats.

The house -
        Things have been really tense. I have been trying to avoid any drama or problems. I have avoided looking at people lately. Now I can just run off to my room an hide which is nice.
       Today we had a family meeting an ash scared the crap out of me…like I seriously felt like crap. I mean I still do.
      Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if I had not of came or it would be better if I left, tho I know they want me here….there are just days when things are said an thing happen that I feel like I just do not belong.


Support -
          I assume that it just is not there, hardly anymore. I know in part that is my fault since I have not been in st jo or the hospital, so therefore most people have prob decided that they are no longer needed. Ah well. I have tried talking to people an they for the most part ignore me. There is  a big part of me that feels I am doing this mainly on my own, which is good I guess. Plus I have stoped asking questions cuz either people think they are not important enough to answer, dumb an pathetic so they do not answer them, or just do not want to talk to the retard who is stuck on repeat. So I have given up most of the asking stuff, because, honestly, am I going to go anywhere with my life….apparently not, so therefore I do not need to know anything.

Life -
   I have been dealing with so much ever since I can remember. Trying to find who I am, trying to remember my life, trying to just remember, trying to just be normal. There are a lot of days where things haunt me an there is no one to talk to because everyone is off to work or asleep, or busy, or stressed, and I go through the whole day in torment. Sometimes I think it would have been better for everyone if I would have never came out of the hospital. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed in st jo. There is not a day that goes by that I feel worthless or useless at one point or another.
I feel people expect me to be who I used to be an are trying to force me into the old me….but all I can be is who I am right now, which is hardly anything.

Right now -
     I am a scared little hurt kid who jumps at every single unexpected noise, hides from people I do not know, does everything in my power to try an help but cannot. I am not depressed at all. But there are many times where I am out of spoons, hurting so much, so scared, where I just want to get in bed an cry an hide. Like now. I keep looking for a protector, a hero, a safe spot, only to find one an watch it leave over an over again. I carry my penguin with me a lot, because sometimes it is the only thing that makes me feel safe. A stuffed animal, it makes you realize why lil kids carry them.
    I put on a defense so no one can see the pain an hurt or the sadness when I am feeling it. I smile I laugh, an they are real, mostly.
    I am waiting to stop being the retarded lil kid I am, who is stupid as hell right now….I need the stress to be gone, I need to be able to breath an think.

But then again. I am nobody. We are all nobodys but also we are all somebodys. And none of this is directed at anyone unless your name is right beside it. It is stuff that is going on with me an in my head.
If I could go for a walk I would….if it was not cold outside I would go find a body of water to drown it all in….but I cannot so this is the only thing I have to drown anything in.

Tomorrow -
       We are supposed to go to the store. I have a list of things that I want to get. But I may just hold off. Since I took down all the outside porch décor there is nothing really to do tomorrow. Piglet is packing to move away. Man, I just want to bawl…so I do not want to go over to watch her pack, to leave me forever. So I may just stay in bed all day and hide…I would not be missed that much.

One of these days I would really love to remember stuff, to say ya I remember that. I would love to tell the waiter or waitress what I want instead of having to text it all out or point at it. I love signing but it is frustrating. But it is better that I really cannot speak. Even typed words cannot express me.

One day at a time that is all I can do.

Subway

So Piglet and I spent the evening reading and trying to finish the book. She helped me make the bed.the sheets were supposed to be washed but were not. Which was fine since they had been slept on for only two nights.
It was nice sleeping in the corner of Ash and Stephens room. One I slept well because I knew I was safe and felt safe.. ..two the big fan drowned everything else out. I guess if I was sleeping where they do I would have heard other noises but where I was I did not.
I recently started downloading Amazon free apps.. ..ones that can help me with pt. ....I tried showing Ash then but I think she was confused on what I was showing her.
Piglet and Debbie gave me some puzzles and a work book for children.. ..which I hope helps.
I have become bad about taking my vitamins.. ...which is not good.
Piglet said she had a bottle of vitamins I could have.
Things in the house have become tense and sometimes I feel I am at my dads house...so sometimes I just sit there and ignore things that are going on around me. But this feeling has been felt at other places to.
This morning I had horrible dreams. My mom took the place of Ash in one of them. Cady was barking and I was freaking.. ..woke up the whole house freaking out. My mom, who was Ash, came out of Stephen and Ash bedroom yelling at me. I was freaked because someone was trying to get in the house and that is why Cady was barking. Mom said some hateful things and Stephen looked at me like I was a tick that he could not get rid of. The dream involved my granma a road highway and other things.
I woke afraid to move. Cady was where she had been all night. I mustered up courage to cover most the crack at the bottom of the door so I would not wake anyone though I really wanted to. I turned on my light and the kitchen light and went to the bathroom.. I was going to watch TV but I was to scared. tried to let Cady out but could not do it. So I sat in bed waiting for Ash to get up. Trying not to get any more freaked than I was.
Ash finally got up and made her way to the kitchen. I walked in there. She asked if I wanted a chair and I said no. A few weeks ago if I stood for only two minutes I would start shaking and having problems. Now I can stand for close to five minutes but that is with leaning on something or against something. Some times longer if I am walking some in that time as well.
We started to watch TV and then we decided we needed food. So Ash made sunny side up eggs with toast. It was good. She got ready for work and left.
I was still freaked out even more so when she left. So I decided to watch Lord of the Rings on the Wii. .....but it did not happen because the Wii would not read the disc.. .so I plugged in my laptop...and started watching it on that. I got half way through it and Stephen came out of his cave. 
He had sent me a text asking me if I wanted to go with him to get his hair cut.. ..and I said yes.. .but we did not go. Instead we took down the tree. I hit the plastic bags and marker and stated writing the colors on them. ...I used something that told me what the colors were though. We put the lights and tree stuff in a box.. ..while Stephen  was in the basement I got my wheelchair and loaded it up with everything do all he had to do was push it to the back door. ...which in the long haul saved time and spoons. We forgot to bag one set of the tree so we did that and than Stephen started vacuuming. He took a break and we started moving stuff from room to room. Then he started cleaning out the  back room where I had slept last night. I started to do dishes and now it is officially my job. I took a break and ate. .....then showered. After I got done Stephen and I cleaned out my stuff from the closet. then I went back to doing dishes. Ash got home and asked about the tea kettle which I had put on the stove to heat the water to make tea with. I guess I was waiting to head it whistle. It was almost there.
We left and went to wall greens. Stephen and I take in the car bout stuff.
We went to Subway and Carl was working.. ...he kept looking at me and I told Ash who he was.. ...she was about ready to take him down.
We got home and ate. Then we started talking about me moving in. I like the walls in that room. I am going to have to go buy one of those lantern lights like my sis has so I can see at night when walking around the house.
Ash told Stephen I am not staying the night in St jo...... which we will see.  Debbie wants to work with me on pt some and I think Elvis and bubbles and Stardust would like it if I stayed for a few days. Plus if I am going to being stuff back with me I need time to find things.  I have to be in St jo mid of April tho.. ..that is when I am told the trial starts  .....I hope it is in St jo and not somewhere far. I love to travel but it drains me.

I thought I would give Stephen and Ash some family time. So I San on my bed writing this.

Ash keeps asking me our stating all the time do you remember this or remember that.. ....I well known smile and blood though I do not remember anything from the hospital. I have read all of this blog and my Facebook timeline and remember nothing. I am not even sure why I was in the hospital or why I have to go to court. If any one wants to tell me stories feel free to.

Now I got to find something to do.. ...so peace out boy scout.

Mario

You heard about the very beginning of my day. Well Stephen finally got out of bed and decided it was time to set up the 5in1 printer I got him and Ash. Everyone was getting up and ready and they decided to take a family picture before they left.
Bambam finally got her video Christmas card. She said it was the best present that she had got. We watched it and when I heard my voice I cringed.. ...you could tell that I had not talked in a long time.
His family left and then everyone else left. Their exact words were you smell and we are tired of being around you so we are going to the store .....I cried.. ....ok so.. ..that is not true.. ..I did not go along because it was sleeting out and I did not want to risk mine or anyone else health.
So I was going to take a shower but the water was freezing. So I went and did some organizing.  And made room in that closet for other things. They got back and we ate. Then most the after noon we have been playing Mario. ....I am good at it but I am done for the day.
Piglet came over and brought gifts.. ..now she is hanging out.
I am going to try and sleep in the room where I may end up in the back yard.. ..which means I got to make my bed.
My phone charger stuff is disappearing and do is everyone else. I think we need to color code things.. .our have a box for them.
So we will see how the night goes.

Christmas pt 2.....Christmas Day

so last night stephens family arrived an they were making fun of stephen a jess because when they pulled up to the house all they saw were them throwing their arms all around. it was funny. we got settled an ate...lasagna....that stephen cooked.....him an ash have both made lasagna an i am not a fan...but i ate it...and yuck does not even begin my distaste for lasagna....but we ate....even tho we talked about going out to get something....but that made me look like  spoiled brat an i did not want that appeal on me so i ate the gross food. i would do it again tho. we ate an then visited some...then we went to bed. at first cady made it hard to get comfy but i fell asleep....i was up at 4 something....but i slept til then...and i watched as ash started waking up an got ready for work.....i was going to get up but before she went to bed i asked her an what i got was do not worry about it...and plus i did not want to scare the crap out of her....so cady got back up in the bed with me an i cuddled with her like a big stuffed animal.
7 came around an then 8 an i decided to be brave an go out of the bed room on my own. stephen was up....but i was still going to go on my own. i went out there an both his parents were up. watching tvland. i sat at the table an colored a pic.
we spent most the day playing the wii....and watching tv. jess went to church an i sat in the kitchen with stephen an his mom...than jess got back an we went an got food. we got bck an played the wii some more. i was frustrated to the point where i was ready to go off. so i took cady an we went an layed in bed an decided to just wait an  get unfrustrated.
ash got home an that is when Christmas began. i was soooooooooooooo glad to see her. and just to let people know...when both stephen an ash are off to work i am sooooooooooo glad to see both them when they both get home. it was time to open gifts.....an i knew that i would most likely be getting clothes. just saying....man this was hilarious. we opened our gifts...after ash opened hers from stephen. jess was like brittany gave me lights....that was funny....i told her to look in the box....why would i give her lights?! i was right about the clothes....but i also got a few penguin things....my fav is the giant penguin. no joke. i love penguins. i got this penguin thing where yo blow it up n put it on your finger an hit it. well i was blowing it up....and it kept deflating. stephen looked over o ne the times i was trying to blow it up an he started laughing saying i looked over an she was turning blue. it was hilarious. no matter how i tried it would not stay full of air...so everyone else tried an then stephen...everyone being ash....and i was laughing so hard i thought my sides were going to break. it was funny watching him.
we got done an i went through the clothes...they had not done a bad job...there were 5 items that i thought would not fit or that i would not wear. then i did a lil cloth modeling for ash...because she demanded it. some of those shirts are goin to be undershirts. after that we sat down to eat.
it started off nice an then stephen started turning purple from laughing so hard. it was hilarious. there were 4 of us taht knew exactly what was going on and the others were trying to figure it out. i will not go into it.
dinner was good...i did not like the dressing tho. so i fed it to the dog. i am going to watch my fingers from now on around her because she tried taking them with her. we got done an had pie....it was good.
we finished an started cleaning up. it took forever to do dishes. i gave cady a leg bone from the turkey. then we got done an we made bambam a short christmas card video thing. i made ash and stephen be part of it. it was funny. stephen wanted me to say merry christmas so i practiced it in my head, not out loud, and when i tried to say it out loud the merry was murr an i was like nope, i am done. lol.
the day was done an we were ready for bed. i went in an got ready. i thought if i was in bed before cady jumped up there i could keep most of my covers.....i was wrong she got up there an put her face next to mine an just stared at me the whole time... stephen was moving around an i heard her growling....i guess she was being protective. we fell a sleep. i did not sleep good at all. i was up every hour. i had a dream we were in a school an i was refusing to do something an then i wanted help moving stuff an no one would help an the teachers changed rooms an my stuff disappeared so i was trying to find it. people were chasing me and i just wanted my stuff. some people from my basket ball team were in the dream....and the school was my old elementry school....well i woke up from taht dream an fell asleep again. i was walking down the street which was next to the college here in town. i was tired, it was night, an i was scared....someone, a guy came up an i was relieved. i let my body go an the man caught me. i was so relieved. i started crying....he kept telling me it was going to be alright and just held me....others started coming over to help....i woke up an i was crying....i was trying not to just sob...because others were sleeping.
so now i am up an it is the 26th. i am not sure what i am feeling right now. a part of me just wants to stay in bed....another part of me wants to go on a long walk.....and then there is the part of me that knows that i cannot do either one of those things.
so hopefully today will exclude the aunt texting me getting on to me about having a new phone, an abotu insurance an everything she said yesterday....and it will be a good day.

my first christmas was pretty good. it could have done without a few things. but i enjoyed it.

Christmas Eve

<p>I got maybe 10-20 mind of sleep the whole night last night and best believe I tried all night to sleep. Cady slept well. 4 am came and I was like ugh ....then six came and I decided that Cady being in my face was not a big deal. Finally I saw the sun was coming up and I knew it was almost 7. So I got up and figured if Cady was on the chain she would think she could not go far even though it was not in the ground. And the only time I gave her was time to go per. Her and the dog across the alley like to have barking wars. Cady came in and I was doing dishes just like I told Ash I would. The water was not hot at all. <br>
Stephen earlier had gone out the front door to be the neighborhood creep and stare at people like he does several times a day.. ..and I had no clue he was up. So I was getting ready to go into the kitchen and noticed the front door was cracked.. ..so I started to freak wondering if we had left it open all night. So I slowly started walking to the door ready to do some thing...I packed and saw Stephen standing there staring at the neighbors ....so I unplugged my phone and went and got the stuff out of the dryer than did dishes.. .now I am back where I left off. I was in the middle of doing dishes and Stephen walked in with laundry scared the crap out of me. He looks at me and says Ash is going to kill you if she walls in here and sees you doing that.. .I shrugged.
They left to go to Walmart and I finished the dishes, switched laundry over, and folded blankets. And I started heating the water in the tea pot.
They got back and we have been playing the Wii for most the morning. Stephen keeps killing himself and then kills me in the process.that is the way it goes tho...half the time you die because you are not being careful or you die because someone else killed you or helped kill you.

Jess got us all subway....i was hungry. i ate the whole foot. it was great, well sorta. i guess i am ready for lasagna for dinner....yuck. lol...no joke.

we got done with subway an decided to make gingerbread houses. oh my goodness. so at first we were sitting there an i was ready to walk away and not do it before we had even started. the last time i made a ginger bread house i was really really little. an this is one of the few good things that i remember from when i was like 3. i made it with my parents when they were still together. and we made it from scratch...it was amazing and big but it was prob only because i was little. i know there was a time i bought a kit an i begged an begged an begged my dad to make it with me an he kept making excuses or saying do it with someone else...i just wanted to do it with him. so i almost left the table because i was ready to bawl. we started putting the house together....stephen an ash had one an jess an i had one. with i
even the first 10 mins, i think, i broke the front of the house piece. then i cut the frosting thing too far up....and the house kept falling apart...so there were times that i was laughing because of how stupidly funny it all was and other times because of that but also because i was trying to keep from crying. things turned out to be really really funny. we finished an jess an cady left. i was sitting at the table waiting for a wash clothe an then i decided i did not care if my hand stuck to my cane cuz i could clean it off. so i got up an washed my hands.

everyone started cleaning an i did the dishes, than i went an i got so jeans on, i just threw them on over my pj bottoms. and because i had smelt funny i changed shirts also. then i went an put my fav pj bottoms, i left the top at my dads house, on my bed for the weekend.

cady an i sat out side for a bit. than ash was like you have to come play the game with me.....today i have sucked at it. i am frustrated that i cannot just talk an tell everyone else what they need to do or how to do this or that....stephen an ash asked me if i played this in st jo an i said no. we have a ps2 but i have not played that because i do not know how to. so playing the wii after watching everyone else was a bit difficult. mainly because i want to watch my hands the whole time, or my fingers will not work with me...but apparently i kick ass on it.

everyone got ready for church...i was going to go but opted out at the last min because after walmart yesterday, i did not want to deal with a big crowd again. i was panicing. ash did tell me last week that i had to go because it was a family thing to do an it was christmas eve....so i freaked out because i ws sure she was going to make me go. i had the option of staying home alone or going to a church packed full of people. i chose to stay home alone, tho i really did not want too, i did.
so they left an i let cady go potty. we got in the house an there was a bunch of yelling coming from outside...yelling an fighting. i thot i was going to have to call the cops....that would have been a good call. just imagine it for yourself.

they are home now. and we are waiting for stephens family to arrive. christmas is tomorrow.....we will see how this all goes.

Wii

Stephen got a Wii for Christmas and he got to open it early. Mario came with it. So far on every game I have done pretty well at kicking Stephens butt. I think after a week he will be so fed up with me that he will not let me play.. .or that is let me play at the same time as him.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve and Stephens family will arrive. I am nervous.. .ok freaking out to be honest but since Stephen and Ash are my grandparents then I should be excited to meet my great grand family.. .right?!and in a way I am. Tomorrow we are going to make ginger bead houses I think. Then we are going to go back to that church possibly two times in less than 24 hours. ..ugh!

My brother is still in the hospital. Him an I have been taking a but more than usual lately which I enjoy.
Dad got his gift and opened it. He says he likes it and should since it is an Elvis item. He lives Elvis hence his dog being named Elvis.

Today has been a good day. Minus a few bad spots including Walmart which freaked me out. Too many people.. .no joke

I think with the Wii it will help with pt which will be good. I closed the trunk on the SUV and almost made a new friend in the ground.

Last few weeks I have not been sleeping well at all. And the dreams.. .I think everyone here should be grateful that I have not been  screaming in my sleep. No joke.  I have not even stated the dreams that are really bad.
I have been keeping some  things to myself because I am terrified. Esp with the things that have gone on this week.
I have only been getting a few hours  of sleep at night. My legs and head have been hurrying more than usual. I will wake up in the mid of the night and when I sit up I will start to get a bloody nose. Throughout the day I have been getting really dizzy.

Today I was so cold that I put on 2 r reg ts and then a long sleeve then a sweater a hoodie and then my jacket.  I have been shaking all day to.

Well this weekend is going to be long but short and I just hope I make it through it.

st jo

yesterday was an ok day...frustrating but ok. i woke up an sat with ash...than i waited for everyone else to get up. which took a long time..cady an i just layed on the couch watching fred claus. stephen an i spent most the day chatting an sitting around watching movies....

ash got home from work an we all went to columbia...while waiting for them so we could leave...i made a makeshift ramp to get in an out of the laundry room and kitchen...it will build muscle in my arms for sho...esp since the floor is slanted.
we were on the way to columbia an i could not help but to close my eyes. we got to hobby lobby an we were not sure they had wheelchairs but, ta da, they did, and it was my bright idea to bring mine with us, which we did not use..so we went around hobby lobby an got gifts...ash an i picked one out for jess an ash is like take off your hoodie...so i did an covered the gift...i was waiting to get stopped by security an be charged with shop lifting...no joke. we got done an then we went to steak an shake...the mushrooms on my burger were amazing...before we got in the store we were crossing the parking lot....and i almost got run over by this elderly couple backing up. they were not paying attention, everyone else was getting upset an stuffa n i was just like should i wait or continue..n then i thought well if they hit me, it would not be the worst thing to happen to me. the whole time we were in the place stephen was pretty mad....he wanted to go tell them off, an they were sitting a few tables behind us. then jess thought the waitress was being rude to me an i was like she was just doing her job, prob tired, an ready to get off. maybe she had not had the best customers...i thought she did a good job. we got done we went to go pay...i walked out the door...i was tired of standing..my legs were killing me n so was my head...if i had my choice i would not have walked any where....i know that sounds bad but that is how much my legs hurt. we got in the car an left...i closed my eyes an was half asleep...i kept hearing over an over again cat an sink.
we got home an i got out ...i was walking up the steps an half way i forgot what i was doing....but it did not last long. we got inside an i fixed up the couch from where cady had jumped off of it to run an greet us. i thought if i layed on the couch i would fall sleep but it did not happen. so i went an joined everyone an we watched stephen wrap the gifts. well about 30 mins had passed...i had taught jess an ash  a few letters...and how to count to 20...even tho they helped me...i could not remember past 3...which means that i will get to taht later...we had traded seats an were watching stephen wrap the last gift...and his phone went off....ash answered it an a smile creeped over my fce....it was bambaam...jess looked at me all funny...i did not care...it was my bambam an i love my bambam. i covered my ears so i could not hear anything but ash...who talks loud... finally cady an i layed down on the couch n jess went to her room...she could have stayed out an watched the rest of that movie...i would have just fell a sleep. i unplugged everything but my fan which i instead plugged in...and i and cady went to sleep. 2 am an i was up. when i wake up that early i just lay on the couch...i do not turn on the tv or anythign else, an occassionally i let cady out. i turned off my alarm...and cady an i just kept each other company...she kept going bck an forth...at 528 i got up an let cady out....and turned on the tv. i sat at the table an ash joined me...we did not talk much....and then stephen sat at the table an we did not talk much. the only thing i remember them saying is ash said i look tired...and then them talking about toliet paper an the store. they left an i turned it to weather channel an then got on my faccebook.
so now i am watching tv an writing this an waiting for things to arrive an it to snow.

so remember earlier when i said i was half way up the steps an i forgot what i was doing, an that my legs were killing me to the point i did not even want to walk. ... this is what happens when pt basically becomes none exsistant. i could only count to 20 last night because ash was counting out loud. before that i could only count to 3...and i was trying hard to remember how to count. for a split second i forgot how to walk up the steps...this could cause problems...i get up an i walk to the kitchen or bathroom or car...but i think i am not working my legs enough. and my balance lately has been getting worse. a few days ago ash an i had got back from the store an she was like now do not you fall...i got up the steps n into the laundry room by the fridge an i went to take a step an my cane slipped, n this has been happening a lot...even more so now...and i lean on it pretty heavily, it scares me.

which leads me to sleep. i am barely sleeping at all. jasi did tell me there would be weeks where i would not sleep at all an weeks where that would be all i did...an i know this, i guess i did at least..that is how it was in the hospital. so why should it be any different now?
i sleep for 1-2 hours an then i am up, an it does not matter how tired i am, i do not go back to sleep in the mornings any more, and i may close my eyes but i rarely take a nap, all this in hopes that i will sleep through the whole night...my dreams have been crazy too. like they seem so real tho they are not real at all...like the one morning i did not get up to see ash an stephen off to work i could have swore that they had come back an were in the living room ....but it was a dream. then last night i had a dream stephen was showing me something at the table an it seemed real. it is a lot better than my dreams of me or others dying. or always being chased by people or tornadoes. or lately besides the death part is has been of friends being mad at me for talking and me being confused on whether i should talk or not. ....i guess they scare me, or are scary to me because of how much it stresses me out in real life.

so this talking thing. so far aside from what i said to piglet, i have said i love you too, yes, no, hello, and thank you....and cady. lol. it lit scares me to talk...i am not sure what i am trying to say will be what i will say, and therefore i do not want to sound like the dumb retarded fool i am...and some words i am not sure how to say...those words i have heard a lot...i told ash the other night i would have said yum but i want not sure how too. and even tho she said it a few times i just could not get it in my head. plus when i do talk it hurts my throat a lot an my head.. i am not sure why it hurts my head but it does. then it scares me...and then i get excited an then scared agin....it is just weird.

i think part of my problem with my head hurting is that i have had my glasses for 5 years almost an have not been able to get them updated...so i need new perscription an glasses or contacts. lol. they do not even stay on my head because they are so loose an old. so i am thinking that if and when i go back to st. jo for a week or two i will see if i can work those two week an get 180 like i should if not more and make an app to get a new perscript. i think last time i got my eyes checked was not too long ago and the lady had me take the read the letters from this row test. she asked me to read the second line so i started to an after the 3rd letter she is like there is only two letters....hahaha...oops. so i need to do something about my eyes lol.

my memory is a pain in my butt. forgetting how to get up steps, forgetting how to count, forgetting everything that happened the day before or even a few hours ago is dumb. i am going to get a calandar or something to mark off so i know when i take my vitamins so i do not take them more than  once a day.ash was joking about something last night but it was a real good idea...well part of it...she said i guess i should put sticky notes all over the house saying what things are in creol...well instead of doing that maybe in english, there are somethings that i have no clue what they are....it is prob dumb idea...lol. i know that i need to do stuff soon. i asked my brother if he knew where my flash cards are...still waiting to hear from him.

this morning i talked to my dad on facebook for a bit....remember how just a few days ago...those two guys broke into my dads house? an slashed his tires? well early this am dustin was out an about an they jumped him. he will not press charges..he is in the hospital with a partially collapsed lung. and it is all my fault. i am pissed the hell off by this all. my family may not be the greatest but when you have an issue with me an you go after them, best better believe that i will hunt you down....i am ready to go kick their asses....i am thankful that so far it has not turned into something worse with my brother. i just wish it did not happen. my dad an my aunt are there at his hospital bed side...
i sent a email to the people on my case telling them, one i do not understand why they refuse to do anything about the house an car....and two...telling them that i do not think st jo is a safe place for me to be. so i told them everything....so now i just wait.

right now i am paranoid an scared out of my mind...i want to go kick ass but i know that i cannot...so that leaves me to this, hiding in my bed. every time a person walks by the front of the house or a car goes down the side street i slouch down some, i have constantly checked the doors to make sure they are locked, my phone is charged, the slightest sound or movement scares the crud out of me....sometimes i wonder if this is how my life will always be....living in hidden state of fear..waiting for something bad to walk right through the door, looking over my shoulder to see wht is going on.
it has not been bad until i found out what happened to dustin.so i hope i sleep tonight...

so my phone is still not working...pisses me off...but i am getting a new one an a new number an hopefully this is the last one for a long long time...no joke. for this i am very thankful...no joke...no joke. i am trying to get one of my family members to buy my old phone from me. the one that i just bought a month or two ago an spent over 150 on. now i am just waitning to hear from my dad on what my checking balance is. i left my debit card with them to pay for the stuff on the car. the car in which i think i am just going to give to my aunt....or tell them they can use it for the next few months, depending on what the response is to that email.

i am sad a bout leaving bubbles in st. jo...maybe she can come visit.....tho it scares me that her an cady will not get along. i thought maybe if i got a job that paid 10-15 a week...like doing something for someone, something easy that i can an am able to do, that just maybe i could get a pup....but i do not want to scare cady an i do not want anyone to lose sleep. i do remember, only because i am thinking about this subject, a conversation that me an one of the therapist had. they asked if i had any pets an i told the person what we have. they said taht is great an will help with therapy. which proves to be true...i could not move my arms very good until a few days after i got home, same with my hands....after a few days of playing with the dogs an other animals, an petting them...my arm movement got better. same is said here too. with cady my stepping has improved an bending over has gotten easier.

my hair is annoying me. it is conforming to my scars so when my hair is out of place, it is usu in the spot where a scar is...speaking of hair...i think i need a hair cut soon.

so it is no surpise taht i am a jerk. i am mean. i am selfish. i am not who i used to be. i will just leave it at that.

so last bid of business..christmas. i am not sure what i expected. they said it is a day you give gifts so i got gifts an wrapped them....i am sstill not sure waht christmas is. ok i have no idea what it is at all. i just know that everyone around me is trying to make it an awesome one. it already is awesome...just saying.

uh....the oven ....is not.....on....

there is a story behind the title but i am not going to say what it is.
i would blog about my last few days but i can only remember, if even this much, bits. ok...i am trying to trigger my memory....let me see...saturday...i sat around waiting for piglet to show....then that night we went to walmart an piglet came an joined us for dinner....ash said i was in a real good mood which i mean i was, but it was more so because that was the day that crap happened in st jo....mainly two unnamed guys, who have already caused me enough problems....tried breaking into our house, the neighbors called the cops, an helped scare them off along with my brother dustin, an the dogs...4 am in the morn. two windows broken dads tires slashed...so the whole day i had been freaked out...scared...an that night with piglet an the jones all that scaredness an stuff disappeared.
sunday we went to a new church......i like the gaithers....my granpas fav. but they were not the gaithers. not even close. and i was fine until ash mentioned it to jess....and then i got real sad. but church is so boring...old bald guys do a lot of talking about nothing an puts people to sleep....that day we made lunch an dinner an ate...and went to bed.
yesterday i woke up an sat with ash like i almost always do, then mcguire showed up. we went to law te cafe an had a scone/cinnomon roll with tea/coffee. it was good seeing her...and she knows abcs in sign so it was fun confusing her. lol. we then went to walmart an got flowers.....i pushed myself an there is something wrong with the wheels on those things. we came back and that was the end of our visit. cady an i sat on the porch for a bit, then came in, it was almost 12 when everyone else started coming out of their caves. the day passed an ash got off, at first i thought she was mad, seemed that way, but i guess i was wrong, but everyone else thot it too. ash an i went to walmart....i held everything. we had taco salad.it was a bit messy, now i need to wash my jeans. lol. stephen got my phone working for a bit, now it is not working again.
bed time came an cady an i have been sleeping on the couch for about 4 nights now....she likes sleeping next to me....tho i cannot tell you the times i have woke up on the floor...haha...but it is ok.


my forhead still hurts to the touch...the other day i was playing with cady, saturday, an she kept hitting me in the face, it only hurt when she hit me on the forhead an then i kept hitting my head on the floor trying to avoid her mouth or paw from getting my eyes or nose. it hurt...i almost started crying. cady is starting to get better around me...well like wise. she will sit an lay with me, she follows me every where, she wakes me up to let her out to potty, she loves to play, and she greets me more an more the way she greets everyone else....jumping an all that good stuff. i usu have to be by a wall cuz she tries every time to knock me over.

over the weekend...i tried my best to not let anything weigh my smile down...but there were times where my legs would cramp an get stiff or like jello an i thot i was going to fall....

sleep has been one thing in itself. i go to bed not too long after the jones and i sleep good for the first few hours an then after 1 i am basically up til i go to bed that night. i try to take naps, i try to sleep...i just cannot. i am afriad it is going to mess with everything i have going for me too...like walking an the talking an the grammar an etc. i hope not.
it would be nice to sleep for more than 2-4 hours tho. it is messing with my head fo sho...my head hurts....but it is something i will get over.

i have been frustrated because my phone is not working or keeps being deactivated....and it is my main voice so without it i am silenced.

it is sad but i told mcguire...haha...i am not sure if i am going to go to st. jo...this is home for me...one it is the only place i know right now....two with everything going on in st jo...i do not need that....but then there is bubbles...an stardust...so i guess i must go back for a bit...right...the other day i was just thinking of going out to visit kara aan joey for a few days an the thought of leaving here...leaving the jones...made me choke up..

but this is how it is in life. we make sacrifices, we let our hearts get broken, an we learn to deal.

...... ...... ......

so yesterday i was a lil mad an i made myself sound like a jerk in yesterdays post. i am sorry if i offended anyone...no joke.

i think i am done with sleeping, like forever. i think it must be something in the air in this house. every single night this week i have had a dream of someone that i love alot die ing. and others have been having horrible dreams too. i mean, it is normal for me to have dreams that involve someones death but not like this. i woke up an it was 223...someone was moving around it woke me. which i am glad because ugh the dreams. i went back to sleep and woke up at 248...then 320 something and 340 soemthing and the hours of 4 and 5 a few times. i decided that i would just turn my alarm off. i was tired, my head was killing me along with the rest of me, this is the first time that i have not been comfy on the couch, i felt like i was going to be sick, and a grumpy crank so i stayed on the couch an tried letting the sounds of ash an stephen and my own thots knock me back out...i felt bad, but i felt it was best.
it was about 7 an i got up an let cady out, and went to go eat the fish an it was gone...so i ate nothing. i let cady back in an then her an i watched movies an shows together to clear up some space in the list.
i had turned my phone off last night, after i payed the bill online, it was nearly dead. i decided that when i was up i would just charge my phone while blogging, if i decided too, or while using my computer...i turned my phone on and it kept wanting to update my profile....i kept trying an it would not do so. i had payed my bill. so i thought i would just wait for stephen to get home an use his super awesome internet to update it....then i got on facebook an stephen is like i tried texting you but it did not go thro. i got on my families phone account an looked an it said my phone was deactivated....what?! so i emailed costumer support an am awaiting them. i cannot do hardly anything on my phone because it keeps wanting to update...not even us my messenger thing to communicate...which sucks.
i am trying to be a good guest, and do what i can to help out. i unplug my fan when i wake up - usu this is something i would not do but my fan likes it here an has not acted up once -, i turn off the tv an the lights. i unplug my computer...any charger....and sometiems the lights. an interesting fact is that a vaccum uses more power than any other appliance. no joke. look it up. by unplugging what you are not using completely from the wall, cuts down the bill a lot. i know from experience. also i have watched an read on this stuff. so today the tv has been off...the lights the fan, the computers unplugged...etc...i think that turning down the heat during the day and turning it up some at night will help too. not much at night just a few degrees. plus i can always put on more clothes. and if i sleep with a fan it is not that cold, right?! i tried sleeping with out it last night but just could not.

today is friday. ash told me not to plan anything this weekend...so i am wondering if i should be scared or excited. there are two things i really want to do....one hang out with mcguire an two build a ginger bread house. i will not go into the story behind this, because mainly i will cry an i just do not want to make my head hurt any more than it does. maybe even a villiage. we will see.
i told my dad i would not be home for christmas....and that i was sorry. i mean i am but i am not. this is something i have needed an wanted an this year i am putting myself ahead of my family. the one thing i do miss tho is the trio....i do not need heat in my room with them 3...let them under the covers an it is like a sana. maybe when it gets even colder outside i will make a pallet on the floor an cady can sleep right next to me...:) i do not mind the dog hair...or the smell....or the bad breath....because it is something that has been absent from my life for 3 months. but knowing my luck i would wake up an be the only one on the pallet on the floor...cady would be on the couch looking down at me....no joke. secretely thinking...sucker..lol.


so here i am in my sweats, which now i cannot wear out of the house, because i  cannot get a stain out of them, that if i am right has not been there, an i have no idea where it came from....my spongeboob, who i do not like, surf shirt, which is also my swim shirt an dog bathing shirt....and my old navy long sleeve shirt, which i love, that is tore up in the back. i have on 5 layers on top an 3 on bottom and i am comfy.

i have basically spent my whole day with cady doing nothing but sitting around. no joke. so now onto my weekend.

frustration

so i said i was not going to write a post well i changed my mind. mainly because i am frustrted..and instead of smashing my phone i think it best to just blog.


the last few nights my family along with other things has not allowed me to get sleep. like the jones like to say, if it is not one thing it is another.

anyone that knows me knows that i will not complain except in my blog an even then it is something that has to be really bothering me for me to complain about it. and i do not say anything about anything unless i am fed up or asked an still then it is up in the air on whether or not i will.

so back to the family thing. i know this sounds bad but i seriously feel like i could just call everyone up saying i could talk, more than i do, and tell them, i am not coming back...ever. but sad part is i must. they have been onto me about my car an dads car, dustin, my animals, my job, and as i keep hearing, bubbles misses you, i really want yo to come home, you need to be there for .... , and it is not just thro the day but thro the night. and not only when i am awake but asleep too.
i am ready just to sign my car over to my aunt an say here, it is your problem now, figure out soemthing to tell my granma, tell my dad to take good care of my animals, and talk to people on my case about it...
fact is...i am NOT in st jo, an i am stressed out....i cannot tell you how many times i thought about putting my phone in my tea, throwing it out the window, smashing it...just because it does me no good to get this crap from my family.
i am pissed because in the one week i was there i made up all the time for work that i would miss so i could get paid an now i am not getting that time or pay check...which sucks. and i really could cuss up a freaking storm about it.

i honestly feel like giving p on this whole walking thing. ya i can do it, but almost every day i fall....and it has been messing with my head a whole lot...i am frustrated because it seems that people are upset when i fall. so from now on i am prob just going to shut up about it an i fall i fall, it is as simple as that...an well...i will not say the rest. i have hit my head in the same place hard 2 times in the last 24 hours...and just goe to show that i do not bruise easily. so aside from being creepily white...if i fall, well there are no bruises so no proof. and my head is killing the heck out of me an it is like what ever. i bent over tonight to let cady off her chain and i almost passed out...and it was not from pain. well...whatever.

if you could not tell i am at that point where not getting sleep has left me in a not so good mood.

ash said earlier today something that is true that even i tend to forget or ignore..i did just get out of the hospital 3 weeks ago..a month ago...one of those....maybe i am thinking i need to be doing this an that when really i need to take time to be doing easier stuff. i need to stop trying to rush things an give myself a chance to cope, heal, an rest...all this stress an overduing it is not good for me...an i need to stop being a freaking dumbass idiot an back down.
i want so badly to be able to do it all an make everyone happy knowing it is not going to happen, an right now the only person that i need to focus on is me..whether it may seem selfish or not, i do believe it is true. i want so badly to help others out an to do my share but it will not happen if i do not help myself out first.

i have no idea what i am going to do for christmas..i mean i know where i am going to be, or i hope i do, i know where i plan on being. but as far as presents come..i feel bad about getting things an not being able to do the same..maybe there is something i can do, so we will see. but it will not be great an it will not be nothing like a real present.

i remember one day at the hospital, i was feeling very weird an i think within that day or something like that i ended up having a surgery....that feeling is what i am feeling now...but i guess i should not worry. no matter what happens it will not be a big deal.

it has only been a month but it feels like a year since i hae been in the hospital. and i am trying my best not to end up back in it.

i am so frustrated i am in tears. someone said something today an it was like a total blow to me...but whatever it is something i will get over...because it is something no one but me cares about....and when i say that i mean everything that is in this blog post.

i am going to bed. tonight i miss bubbles sleeping right next to me, elvis laying in the arch of my legs an stardust trying to sleep on my face....i am missig their security an comfort..cuz right now...i feel helpless an alone..and it seems maybe i should be.

cars

i did not sleep well last night at all. the whole night my family was calling me an texting me...one of my tires is flat on my car an two tires were slashed on my dads car. so this meant that both cars were down an no one could get ny where. my uncle, step uncle, was cussing me out blaming me for, not taking better care of my car, tho they have been the ones who have had it for i do not even know how long. then inbetween the calls an the texts and the angry mob treating me like crap, i had horrible dreams. the first we were at like a camp thing an my family was there well they were monsters an my dad died an my sister was die ing an needed my dads something in order for her to stay alive an there was nothing i could do to help. at 3 something i got a text saying that my dad was stuck at his work..an they wanted me to figure out what to do...i went back to sleep an i had another dream but i do not know anything just that it was about my  family an it was horrible. then at 4 something got another call...when are you coming to st jo again where are you....la di da di da....i told everyone everything before i left where i would be when i would be back an all that good stuff...an if they need me text me. i am gone for one week an ever since then i have been hearing about this. then i went back to bed....an i had a dream that me an a bunch of friends were visiting someone in a huge 2 story house. piglet paul an shortie were there for sure. i was walking an falling, talking an silent...and after a while they just started ignoring me.  and in the end they were being jerks an stuff an it was not cool. i woke up and went an sat with ash.
i love starting my mornings at 545 with ash an stephen, it is nice, an a great way to start my day. it was starting to storm as ash was leaving. i layed back down an watched some tv....it was really starting to storm...it scared me...i spread my big blanket all across the couch....and i fell half asleep an my legs were hurting an i wake up,, i guess i was not the only one that was scared...cady was laying on my blanket with me....it was kinda nice. it was like having bubbles or elvis sleeping with me...made me happy....i started to turn over and give my legs some relief an then cady got down. i got up an stephen was up. last night we colored for half an hour together. he colors real pretty. i just scribble. he is a real swell guy.
i love stephen an ash. like no joke. i remember my first time meeting both of them. and i am glad i did. tho my first time meeting both them i was intimidated by both them an i thot stephen was a lune. only because he wanted to go to haunted houses...and ash just intimitdated me just cuz. but like i said i am glad they are in my life. they have been there with me thro this all the last 4-5 months. there were times i thot they were not an then there were times i felt i was not there for them or pushing them away. which probably i did. they have got me thro every single day. cheered me up, let me cry an complain, eased my pain, warmed my heart, put a huge smile on my face. there were others that did this too, but they were like in the top 2-3. i guess aside from wanting some time at dads house an some time to get stuff done an ready an time with the animals an family that i was scared an nervous about coming to visit them. i had told them this, over an over. but i promised i would, an i was excited too do so. i was so nervous an scared the day that they did come...an i was glad piglet came along...i felt bad but piglet was like my extra security....but now between the 3 of them....i am very happy. i am happy estatic to be here with them...and i have become more comfortable around them than i am with my own family with the exception of a few things. just like it feels like home here with the exception of a few things. i love them, an i am happy for them, an i am happy that i get to be a part of their life. an i plan on being there for them the way that they were for me... no joke. no joke.
it was raining outside an stephen an i were sitting at the table an he is like i am not going to the doctor, and then he asked if i wanted taco bell. i was like yep. so we went an got some. we got back an it was like 1130 and we had just started eating an, btw i went in my pjs to taco bell an i did not care, jess woke up. she had been up til like 2 on the computer. she says she was not but i am sure my phone said otherwise when i was ignoring a call from my family. while we were eating we started watching an older season of greys anatomy. stephen was going to cry....i was laughing the whole time, it was the episode where izzy lived an george died. in the middle of the episode stephen stopped it an called the doctor an made an app. while he did that i gave jess most of my grilled stuffed burrito because there was no way i was going to eat all of it...i could not finish the rest of the little i did have. i felt bad. stephen took a shower an then i did. we watched glee before hand, an i was kinda disappointed with this episode...it was mainly lame. the end was very good, but i was act disappointed in the glee club.
well then we left an went to columbia. we were there for an hour n a half. the fishys were pretty. i was dealing with my family an i text my dad and said we should get a fish an name it killer an he said lol...he is almost 60 an he said lol. wow. i was trying to find something to do so i downloaded this app that is like paint, and i downloaded kindle, but everything costs an i cannot buy books. it had been an hour an i looked up an realized that it was only me an one dude an i started getting a lil freaked. then stephen came an got me. i was glad...i had just text ash saying i was in the lobby waiting....  ... i was trying not to flip out. lol. we had finished and we left. he called ash an i listened to what he said...i was trying hard not to cry. i love my friends a lot... i told myself that i would be there for them thro everything...no joke. his red nose is no joke. so the whole way back i prayed, hard.
a few weeks ago i was nervous about stuff an now, i am so comfortable around them. car rides an table time, couch time, porch time, any time, has become cherished time. stephen an i always have great convos  in the car and at the table. or just in general. i love watching him laugh. i spend a lot of time with ash in the kitchen....some times i think i get annoying cuz i sorta follow her like a lost pup. or something. but i like, no love my time with them. i love when they both smile an laugh an are happy.
we got back an din was ready. we ate. i loved the potatoes. ranch potatoes...are AMAZING...an my dad thinks i am crazy for loving it an peanut butter on pancakes....he is weird...no me.
i spent the evening talking with stephen an riding around in the wheel chair. i have been using the wheel chair a lot lately...not because i need too but i figured a day or two ago as i was thinking, that pushing myself around the house in a wheel chair that has no foot rests will help me build muscle...or should. arm an leg muscle at the same tme...i have to hold my feet up an pushing myself will buid muscle in my hands an arms. it will not help with my balance....ash says the other night i was walking without my cane but i do not remember this. i can only take a few steps without my cane. i still need to start stretching an doing act pt.
at dads house there was not much space an i could walk without my cane across the room cuz there was usu something to grab hold of an the rooms are not big...people who have been there have seen taht the biggest room in the whole hous besides the basement is the kitchen...an that is not a joke. and a lot of the house is carpet...which makes falls a lil softer. but i think i am going to start trying...it would not be so bad if i did not have to think about every thing that i am doing or worry about my balance. i can stand an put on shirts an hoddies an take them off. showering has been difficult but i get it done. and i have to be sitting down to put on any thing below the shirt. well mostly. maybe that is tmi...but it is my blog so deal and get real. i just talk about things all of us do. no joke. jeans are getting easier to put on. today i did not wear a belt with them an they act stayed up. which means i am gaining weight. or my shorts are thicker than i thot. my shoes are easy to get on an off....no strings. only thing is when they get wet they get wet all the way thro.
i have no clue what is going on with my head. there are days where i remember things from weeks or months or years ago an then there are days where i remember only the day before an then there are days where i only remember things from minutes ago. yesterday when they had got home from shopping, stephen started making soup an asked if i wanted any. i said no. they said all you had was apple jacks an a candy cane, i was like ya an then i remembered that i had had breakfast.

stephen told me that i need to move in. i told him the prob with that is i would lose the crappy job that i have, make my granma upset an leave her hanging, and then i would feel i am abandoning bubbles an stardust. and then there is this whole case thing. boo. but you know it would be great living here. i do not hve to wake up all stressed because of the fighting in the next room, because there is none of tht, i do not have to prepare myself to be treated like trash, instead i prepare myself for a wonderful day. i dread going back to st jo. ah well...

so now i am getting ready to go to bed. My head hurts I almost completely fell in the bathroom, I caught myself with my knee and hit my head on the sink.i was pretty sure I had woke them up cuz it was loud...and now I am seeing stuff...boo. stephen an ash both go to work tomorrow. jess an i are going to try giving cady a bath. which should be fun. esp since she was left outside during the 4 minute downpour. i tried drying her off. so tomorrow is also laundry time an hope ash will give me something else to do to help her out...other than resting an taking it easy. lol.
tomorrow i am also paying my phone bill an then i will be broke in my bank account. it would be great if i could pay for unlimited data an text an web an have a few hundred minutes a month..that roll over...for under 50 a month...but sadly i have not found that.
i am excited to spend christmas here. i would not want  to be anywhere else.

and finally. i made ash happy last night. i have been trying forever to speak an when i did it sunday and freaked out about it, i have been scared...but have been trying. stephen is like say yes say no say hi say bye...i have been trying. i figured if i did it sunday that i  can do it again. i just have to get over me an do it...i really have to think hard about a word. but i followed ash around after din. i was shaking i was scared an nervous, and ready. i sent her a message an went to give her her phone an she seemed ticked about it...i told her earlier that i might have a surprise for her. she walked out without looking at my text so i sent another one that said read me...the previous one had said i have a surprise for you..stephen was like here lets go into the bedroom. i was like ok...so we went an ash sent me a text then she was like what is your surprise...her an stephen both waited...it took me a few minutes but i finally said it...i looked at ash an i said i love you! she is like do you an i went umhum...stephen sent me a text he is like say yes an say no...so i worked on it in my head an said those two words also. right now it makes me happy that i said it. and then ash an i talked. i told her it scares me, just because in a way it is new to me...i was nervous because  i did not know how it was goign to come out or even if it would...but i was determined. usu i smile an stuff, but trying to say those word i wanted to cry it scared me a lot....it hurts to talk. and my voice sounds all weak an stuff, like i have not talked for ages...lol...it is a joke. i wanted to make them both smile.
like ash said i have come so far an i am doing well. i need to stop listening to those who tell me taht i should not be able to do this or that an kick them in the face. i am trying hard to do better. i have even been practicing writing letters an numbers. and now i am going to practice saying the words that i can say or did say.
so now on to bigger an better things i hope. today was a good day for the most part.

how to train your dragon

yesterday after i posted my blog post cady an i went outside...cady kept barking at the kids that were going back an forth thro the alley an the dog that was running lose. we sat on the steps for the longest time before she went on her barking rage. we looked like taht kids book with the boy an his dog looking into the sunset. cady really liked that i was sitting out there with her. well when she went on her rage i let her in the house. then i was not to be seen til 1130 ish or so. i came in an ate a bowl of apple jacks an did the dishes. then i went to bed at like 130-45ish. at 340 something cady started sticking her nose in my face...she wanted out so i let her out, an i stayed up...7 came around an people started waking up. stephen made breakfast and then i went to the table. at about 10 i got on google plus an ranted a bit....carryover from yesterday. then, stephen ash an jess were running around the house whispering and stuff an i was like whatever just ask or whatever. and finally they did but they still would not believe me. they left at 1130 ish. i was going to go with them but after i saw how they were acting i thought it best that i should not...i was upset, which carried over from the last few days, so i did not want to cause ny problems. so i stayed put. they left and i finished watching how to train your dragon.
then as if i was not already trying to deal with enough emotions my dad sends me a few videos an says watch them, you know this may be your last christmas with anyone of us an you are not going to be here...the videos were 9/11 tribute, ladder 49 to shine your light, an foo fighters performing my hero. he wanted me to think about my uncle an how he is regretting all the christmases an all taht that he missed with his son. so by this point i was in tears...and ontop of that i felt like a jerk for not going an blah.
i decided to do dishes, and then cady an i went an sat on the porch. she really liked it. then we went in because my feet were cold. i was thinking about lunch but decided not to eat cuz i figured they would either bring something back or fix something when they got back...and i did not want to be rude an go ahead an eat....not that i was that hungry.
so i watched wizards an they returned....then left an it was coming an going all day. they were gone for 3 hours the first time. i decided i needed a nap, which i did not take, and that it wold get me out of my mood....nope i am still in the same mood. and it lit sucks. a lot.
i skyped with bambam an it was great....short but great...an very interesting an awkward.
and now everyone is here watching shows an wrapping stuff. and eating candy.

so now i am just waiting to see if this mood is going to change...cuz it needs too. and well we will see how my night plays out.

how to train your dragon was good. i had not seen it but it was on my computer. so i watched it. who ever told me that i remind them of that kid was right. no joke.

so this is my blog post as short as it is....deal with it.

rudolph

i do not think i ever finished the story i started with in yesterday's blog....well the title is something someone said to me at house church..not just someone but ebony. she is amazing! no joke!

most of what i wanted to do from like 4 on yesterday was cry..an once i got to house church an they started the sermon thing, i really wanted too, i wanted to hide, hide far far away from the world an just cry. so my plan was come home grab my jacket and go sit on the back porch an just cry. there were many reasons for this. when ever i get frustrated an cannot understand something i usu get teary eyed an depending on what it is i cry. i was frustrated that i could not understand a single thing they were talking about an piglet is like if there is anything just ask, but problem is she would be explaining it all...no joke. so it is not that i do not like church or do not want to learn about the god of the bible an all that comes with it, it is just that i do not understand things. and i could ask but i would prob ask the same thing over an over again, and it would take forever for everyone to find a way to explain whatever to me so that i understand. one reason i love cartoons, they are simple, easy, funny, an i learn easy with them. i wanted to cry because of what i had lit said. people are like you should not be down about it, but seriously, it scares the crap out of me. it was like i dreamed it..i barely remember an at the time i was light headed nervous an frustrated. idk why but talking scares the crap out of me, an what scares me more is how fast everything is happening. it is going on 4 weeks now that i have been out of the hospital....my progress, if that is what it is called, goes against everything on where i should be. who knows maybe last night was a random thing, maybe one day i will forget how to walk, an be back to square one, i hope that does not happen but it could. another thing that just makes me want to cry is that i am scared...about everything. i had to text my dad this am to ask him what town i live in an what my address was, cuz i cannot remember, and i feel bad about it. i am scared because i feel like a lil kid, i cannot be away from this house for more than a few hours an then i start to freak after an hour or so. if i am not with someone that i feel really safe or at a place where i feel really safe than i can only take an hour an then after that i go thro stages until i am completely freaking out, which has not happened yet, but i have freaked out about being some where, but it has not got to its worst yet. and that is good. i am frustrated because i feel i am either in the way or a lazy bum, which is the same thing, and i cannot stand it. i try to stay out of the way, leave people alone, but it does not seem to make a difference. and no matter where i am i feel i am letting someone down. i feel like people are disappointed that when i fall it is not where they can see it. there are some people that would freak out...but i cannot control when i fall. i try not to fall. i guess another reason i do not like to be away from here, or one of the 3 people that i feel really secure with is because of this town an who lives here an running into any one, would be like a nightmare.

frustration...i told stephen yesterday that i always thought the first sentence i said would be telling someone off....nope..boo on me. i am being dead serious too.
i do not know how many times i have to say this.....do not sit there an tell me that i have to trust god, or that god is telling me something, or anything like that....read these written words...i am not a believer of anything other than santa, wishes, an that there is A GOD OUT THERE, or gods, whatever it may be. i will believe what i want too but you cannot assume that i am who i once was, because...I AM NOT.

it is the holidays. whatever that may mean. an it is basically my first christmas...no joke. for some reason,  really do not remember any thing in my life other than things that are triggerd by something or someone, or if it is recent. i do know that i am having a rough month. with the death of my cousin, my granma basically telling me that i need to spend christmas with my dad, an then my aunt and uncle with their constant mood swings..it is really rough. i hear people cracking your mom jokes, an i smile...but honestly...people should be very thankful that they have a mom...christmas eve my granpa went into the hospital....he never left the hospital...i do not understand why people crack jokes, one day they are going to go to do it an realize that person is no longer there an it is going to kill them. i do remember my family..and believe me it sucks....and i only remember when my granpa went in to the hospital an when he died...

trigger words....or things...some times people will say something, or something will be on tv or the radio or something an it will trigger a memory..it happens a lot with me...so i may not remember soemthing but someone says something or i see or hear somethng an it may cause me to remember somethng, whether good or bad.

morning time memory....when i first wake up i do not remember anything it takes me a few mnutes or longer, but after i am sound with everything...for like the first 30 mins or so, not long tho, i can remember things great from the prevous day...but after that 30-60 mins it goes back to wait...what did i just do two minutes ago?!...no joke.

word game...so for like a week i forgot, just up an forgot an did not remember that i had games going with friends via word wth friends an hanging with friends....so since i forgot i did not play...an it was piglet an debs that reminded me...i felt like butt. i kinda wish i had not rememberd....people are kicking my but....most people...i think they expect me to play like them an i try, hard, but it does not work an i suck an it sucks....piglet is like this will help you, but really it makes me feel like a freaking idiot. ..

today piglet was supposed to go to valeries to hang out with her an shortie, an i was invited but i am grounded an therefore could not go, not that i was able too, i pushed myself too hard yesterday an today was a day to rest an kick back....and if i went over, i would have snuck an egg...i love deviled eggs. no joke.

bruises....so i do not bruise easily but if i have them i make sure they are covered so aside from being basical lit skin a bones i wear long sleeves. in fact the other day i was in the bathroom an i had just got done with a shower an i was putting on my long sleeve shirt over my white one an  saw my arm in the mirror an i about jumped back, yo could see every part of the bone even the dips...and i thought my bone was sticking out of the skin....i still am not used to seeing me like this after 4 months...or less. i hate when i have my legs just stretched out an the legs of the pants are hanging down an you can see how much i have to fill. an i pretty much used to fill most of the space.

so my day, i woke up an watched ash eat an we talked, i typed...and then she left for work...i went over an went back to sleep....i had a dream that i was on a street with a lot of the people that  i in someway know...and we were being chased an well it did not end well....it was horrible. i woke up to stephen an jess moving around....an stephen made us breakfast...it was good too.

stephen is rudolph...his nose is red an bright...he keeps on asking me if i know this song or that song...i have forgotten a lot..which sucks. him an i made a deal..that for every word he gets me to say he will learn a sign...he already has learned a sign..so i am working hard on trying to say a word...it has not worked so well.

ash said that they will start helping me with pt. which will be good.

so after breakfast i went an watched tv...police women of memphis...an they left. then came back an left again. an that was how most the day was spent..them going an coming an i watchng tv. i did decide to color..two of the pictures i least liked....i just wanted to get some frstration out. jess was like that is pretty an i told her no it was not...she kept saying it was...um it wasnot an that is a fact....because that is why i just scribbled covering it.
well jess left an stephen was back for a bit an i was still at the table....and valerie came over. just for a bit. then she left an stephen was getting ready for his hot date with his wife. ash got home and then jess an then the lovely married couple left for their date....i got hungry an went to go make a sandwhich...as i was walking through the kitchen my cane an foot got stuck on a piece of paper from the lent roller an  fell...i had just got up an jess was going to the bathroom. then i was making the sanwhich an jess was in the kitchen with her back turned an i tripped over my cane, but i caught myself...ugh....rudolph...stop pushing me...lol.

i think i have done enough complaining for the day an i am ready for tomorrow. 

It is great seeing you alive!

 that is what i heard tonight at house church....but before i go any further let me recap my day.

i went to sleep last night. stephen always asks me if i sleep well on the couch an i say that i do an sometimes i do not think he believes me. he prob thinks that i would not say anything if i was not sleeping well, but either it would end up in my blog or he would be right an i would not say anything. but i do sleep very well on this couch, better than i did in the hospital an better than i did on my futon. most of my only week sleeping on it i had it up in the couch position. i hardly ever wake up, toss an turn, or move...sometimes i wake up an i hurt but that is normal.
i woke up this am and sat with ash watching the news. nothing sounded good to her so we watched tv instead. than she left earlier than normal. i think i got up an moved over to the love seat, i like sleeping by the tree. but i am not as comfy on the loveseat as i am on the couch. but i slept over there anyways. stephen woke up an it woke me up, i rolled over an put my hood up, and tried going back to sleep. then jess got up. they sat at the table an were talking an jess is like, o i thought you were asleep....
they left for church an i started laundry. i was walking back from starting it an my cane like got stuck an i fell. my cane seems weird like something is off. i went to change the laundry an fell into the washer, not like lit in it, but into it. it sorta caught me. i was switching clothes an fell into the dryer...i was irritated. then i was putting laundry up on the table in my bags an i stepped back an then stepped forward an lost my footing. then i had just sit down an plugged my phone into my laptop that was on the floor an i was going to check the laundry, i watched the cord the whole time an ended up tripping over it. i got a shower in, which was nice too. i almost fell in there too. Got done with that an stephen an jess came home an then left, then came back, an i went to check laundry fell into the washer again.
ash got home an we watched the wedding video...it was a sweet wedding, funny, but sweet. we were watching stuff about the er on tv...which i like stuff like that, an it was different than disney channel or nick, something we all enjoyed. the acting was horrible.
i got ready for house church. my legs were hurting, my arms were hurting, my head was throbbing in pain, an i was tired from a long day of falling dishes trash an laundry...i thought i had enough spoons. i argued with myself for more than an hour on whether or not to go to house church, last week i had skipped out....ash even argued with me about it an then stephen..but i went. i was standing at the back door, and piglet arrived, i walked out almost falling off the porch, yea i do not even know how i did that. then i almost fell down the steps. i walked up there and was trying to see who was in the car...piglet got out an i was thinking, is it just us, where am i sitting, and it came out my mouth, piglet was like that was random, an i was like what, and she signed speech, an i stopped after almost tripping, i was scared...i had just said words, an not just words a sentence or two. what the hell....where was i. piglet freaked me out...an i bet if she would have not brought it to my attention i would have kept going....nope now i was freaked an scared an excited an i wanted to cry....no joke. first things that went through my head were i just spoke, piglet is freaked, oh no what if piglet thinks i am a liar cuz i just spoke....and then i tried so hard to do it again an nothing would happen. i felt so bad...but so thrilled too. we got to the house an walked in...i saw ebony an robert an half the people i knew, the other half i did not. grabbed a drink an some cookies an sat down. toy came in an told me, well several times throughout the night, that it was good to see me that they had been praying for me and some other things. it was good being able to use sign to speak because people there or ebs an robert know sign an piglet knows some too. but i could go a good pace an they get it. now i have to see the way harry potter should have ended....haha. it was a lot different than church, it was smaller, comfy, short, but i had the same problem with it as church, i do not understand stuff, which is okay, i just figure i sit there an semi listen long enough an i will pick up on stuff. the sermon, itself was only 15 mins. the rest was mostly talking an visiting, prayer, an something with crackers an small little cups.
i was texting ash the whole time. after about an hour anywhere i am not really comfy with i start to freak out. i lasted a bit longer. i think. i would have had ash come get me but i had no idea where i was. and after it was all said an done it turned out to be okay. my phone was nearly dead the whole time, tho i had been trying to charge it all day, i have no idea what is sucking the life out of it.
we left, as i was stepping down to leave i almost lost my balance, than when i got out of the car to come in the house, i missed a step almost falling into the car, then i almost fell up the steps.

i seriously want to know what is wrong with me. i am taking so many steps back when i should be moving forward more than i am. to be falling an losing my balance all day an then speaking, really made me feel like crud. i would do pt but i cannot remember what we did in pt at the hospital. my memory is crap...some things are better than others....i have been trying so hard all week to talk, or hum, which i could do anytime, but now i cannot even do that when i want to...it sucks. i move my feet, shake my legs all the time so i am constantly working them, but seriously baf, what is going on?!

stephen keeps asking me what i want for christmas, i have no clue...really this is like my first christmas, an i am not one to ask for stuff, i have no clue, i thought maybe a huge stuffed animal, or a new color book, or idk...i just want a great christmas, it would be awesome if i was with stardust an bubbles but if not that is ok. santa knows what to get me.

i am not in st. jo...i told people to text me...i love how people esp my family listens. i have got like 5 voicemails in the last two days, saying my dad was so sick he called into work, which never happens, so i texted him an made sure he was alright. my car is legal but now there is something wrong with the tire, an i am supposed to fix that, um how...! my granma is worried about my dad an thinks that i should never leave town again, or move away from home, saying he relys on me for support an stuff....which makes me feel horrible. my aunt has laundry taht needs to be done, an cannot ask my dad to use the washer an dryer, like usu?!
if it was not for bubbles an stardust an gumby, and for the fact that i do not want to break my granma's heart, i would not return to st jo...well an for the fact with the whole case thing...
i really like it here, i mean there are cons, but that is anywhere you go. but it is nice to be in a mostly peaceful environment not having people fighting an yelling all the time, not having to worry about not having a front door that locks, food, anything but hoodies coming up missing...and so much more. here i am a person, and i am told all the time to shut up that i talk too much, but that is it...but it is a real change an i like the change...i am not as stressed.

i know there is something i am forgetting but that is okay...i will remember an then forget again. so i am going to take tomorrow with as much ease as can, an then prepare for tuesday...which gives me much excitement as both stephen an ash are off, an i am skyping with bambam...oh the joy. :D

Nemo

Today I woke with the sound of the house....i am used to my dad or nurses coming in or home around 7ish. Then I had to get use to getting up and taking bubbles out to go potty cuz there was no way she was risking coming back in to find me gone again and she would not go out for any one but me.she is loyal.
Ash and Stephen had been up for a while I think...and I guess it was time for me to get up.
I had got home last night to find Stephen tucked away and jess doing something. I watched gaga perform on ellen and then I turned it to something I do not think I had ever seen..flashpoint...it is pretty good. Ash walked in and I thought she was either pissed or really tired or both....so when she walked over too the door I just started at the tv....
Side note - when people smile or laugh they are really pretty but when they are angry or mad they look like monsters...and that is how I see it in my messed up head.
...i was glad when she came over and started talking and seemed not mad....i was scared until that point...then I could not help but to smile big. She came over and sat on the couch and hung out for a bit. It wad nice. around 1 we went to bed. Some nights I can sleep with the tree lights on and some nights I cannot...last night was one of those nights. I unplugged them and went to bed.

So here I was taking my time to get awake...i could here Stephen and ash voices....and I did not want to interrupt so I took my time. I sat up and looked at the floor and there was my hoodie. I fell asleep with it on but some how I had took it off.
I got up and went potty then cane back in and petted Cady...her and I just lated on the love seat....until ash and Stephen went on the porch.
They decided to go get something and I tagged along. I think they were very sad by this. We got done and went to funny pages. They sat us right by the smoking section but we moved and then I was right in the sun...i typed out what I wanted and we ordered.the omelette I got was not that good...but I ate everything except for the other 3 parts of my toast. We left and went home. As we were walking out to the car one of my legs decided to give out on me, luckily it was right as I was getting in the car.
they decided they were going to clean and that I was not allowed to help....ugh...that is one thing that bugs me is when I cannot help. No joke. But I did something anyways by clearing the table and straightening out my stuff.
Shortie and Valerie came over. Wee watched finding Nemo...that movie scared me.. .and there were some sad parts....but one thing is I hate anything that has to do with under water and sharks.
They left cuz I was not very entertaining....i suck. so I chilled with Stephen at the table. Than I got out of the way so they could clean.
They cleaned and than we have been watching tv since.

Tomorrow is a new day....tomorrow I am going to try something new...maybe go beyond my limits...

details

ash told me that she wanted details. last night i did not go into stuff much because i was tired, frustrated, hurting, and most of all, tired. i was not sure i would have the spoons to finish the blog post before i fell sleep.

i had text jess because i figured she would still be up an i wanted to make sure i could get in the house. if i could not, i was either going to sit outside on the porch all night or crash on piglets couch with the dogs an the crying pup. i was joking with piglet an shortie an i said you should talk the jones into giving it to me as a christmas present. lol. but i was kidding. one, i think my dad would You me, an two, i am sure it belongs to someone, she had a basically brand new collar on. tho i would love to have a pup, i think bubbles would not be too happy sharing me with nyone but elvis an stardust. she is going to flip when she smells all the dogs on me. i walked in the door an cady was UT me like crazy, she smelt the pup on me.
we were leaving piglets an piglet had a hold of the back of my jacket. she did not want me falling down the steps. she also followed me up to the door. i use my cane veggie i step down. to check for any slip spots an to make sure i am safe. it is one of the hardest things to tell myself, cane raise your foot place on step an push up. sometimes i have to think about it alot more than usu. but piglet wanted to make sure i did not fall.
according to the radar we were in the middle of a snow storm but it was not doing anything outside. boo, and it still is doing nothing. tho there is still a chance.
i need to do laundry, or at least wash my sweats, pj bottoms, hoodies, an towel. i need to wash my blanket too, but that can wait. cady got sick today an walked all in it an then came in an decided to lay all over my blanket. if i had my trunks, i would give cady a bath. it cannot be that much different from trying to give one of our two dogs a bath, right?! it takes 3 of us to get elvis in the tub an two to keep him in it, and it only takes me to drag bubbles into the tub, but she will stay once she is in it. she hates getting her teeth brushed, an it is funny watchig elvis run an then think the toothpaste is attacking him. bubbles gets a shower an elvis gets a bath. and i usu take a shower right after because dogs are dirty, yuck.
jess was watching good luck charlie christmas special, and it finished i had finished my blog post for the day an i went to sleep. i turned the tv off, an i was out. i woke at 1 something, then 358, an the 545. this time i took my time to get around an take things in. it was so hard to get my eyes open. i got up an stood almost falling right back down. i could barely walk but i managed. i went an sat with ash. i did not eat any eggs because at the moment she asked i was not hungry, an plus when i am asleep it bothers me. stephen lost his hat, i hope he finds it.
they left an i came in an watched frostys wonderland, cady layed on one cushon of the couch an i on the other two. she stayed there most the morning. after frosty i went to sleep for about an hour an a half, then i was woke up, then i feel back sleep an woke up around 10. then i half slept til round 11. i got up an decided i needed to get up an about an stop being so lazy. i went to the bath room an then fixed breakfaast. i had a banana or most of one, an a bowl of lucky charms. i finished off the box. i think it was going stael. i took my vitamins.
the b ones are good for my brain an for metabolism an energy...the multivitamin is the smae way, plus more.
jess came out to the living room, an i turned on the tv. the fox an the hound is what i am watching. cady is in the same spot she was this am.
i am waiting to go to piglets. we are going to go to the dog park an i was posed to ask to take cady alone, so we will see.

so side note - jess an ash got flash cards, i am still not sure what they are going to do with them but i have faith... i was thinking while eating breakfast, when it comes to colors if they wrote the color on one card an then put the color either on another card or just used something that had the colors on them, it might help me learn colors. with letters tho if they use pictures i will um ascociate the letter with the picture an whaat ever the picture may be i will just think the letter is the name of the picture.
yesterday i killed my legs. i would do pt on my own but i do not remember anything we did during pt in the hospital. my memory is bits an pieces, and the most i can remember if not brought to rememberance by a conversation or something else, is maybe 2 days. an that is stretching it. i need to start excercising my brain an body everyday, an walking is good but that is not what is going to help me.
i layer my clothes on purpose, i always have 3-4 shirts on, because it makes me look a lil bigger than i am. shorts an baggy pants. my upper legs are ok, not too small, but my lower legs are still small, tho i can feel muscle building in it. my arms are still small. real small. like you can make out the bones and it looks real gross when my arm flexes n you see the muscle...it is gross. no joke. i really have not got that much color back.
 i think my coloring is getting better. i try reall hard not to just scribble. but really that is all i want to do is scribble.
my hair seems to be growing slower, an staying thin. which is to be expected i guess.
i am not sure where i will be monday, i am supposed to stay in st joe for atleast one night during this month, an posed to be soon, but i will deal with the consequences later if it does not happen. kara is posed to be getting back to me, there is osmething wrong with their car, an so they are not sure if i will be visiting or not.
if it was not for the fact that i have to be in st joe for atleast one week every month, that i need the lil money i get from my job in st jo, and some other factors i would love to stay in moberly. not that i am okay with the town, but i love who i am with and being here has let me put down my guard a lot. and to be honest it is nice to have someone else in teh house at night for more than two nights. last night i did get scared, .... i am pathetic.

I decided to pick up a bit...it was the least I could do, plus there were not enough dishes for me to run water to wash the one that was dirty.most of the clutter around here is my fault. I try to clean up after myself but sometimes the kid in me says, get I am done with this time for that, and I just go leaving everything as is. I need to stop doing that. No joke. As I was picking up I let Cady out and no to long after Stephen got home. We watched Tom and Jerry for a while...it was nice. Then piglet texted me and said she was on her way. The plan was I would be back for super and to watch a movie with him or whoever was here....but then I was taken hostage by piglet...and Stephen was like I will pay her ransom....it was a captive war and I am in the middle of it. Well ended up eating half a sandwich at piglets....then eating some hard boiled eggs. The pup is in love with me....no joke. It was chewing in my cane an left a few dents. Then she bit me. We played, our piglet played a card game one which I did not get...boo on me.then we played memory...she won but I got a few matches. Then she read. I like the sorry but it as hard to hear over Carl and Paul. Then piglet and I talked. Bout spoons....and etc. I try to plan out every detail of my day so I know how many spoons i will have for extra stuff. But then there are those days where I wake up and find that that may be the only thing I am doing.that day....our I may find that I have a few more spoons then planned. And usu on the days where I think I will not have extra spoons I find I do and vice versa. I know it is hard to deal with me and my situation but I always try to make it as easy for everyone as I can. Tho sometimes I feel that it is not my job to do so. Piglet left for like an hour an a half. After 30 mins...i started to get freaked. There are certain people in every place that I go that are like my safety blanket....when they disappear I can only take so long before I start freaking...the time depends on where I am at and who is around. By the hour mark I was talky freaking. An hour an 20 mins an I was ready to cry and I was about to text Stephen to ask him to come get me and then piglet walled in. took me a while to settle down. Finally we left. as we were going out the door I stepped down and lost my balance....i bout fell back but I caught my self. I an not going to lie...walking and/or standing while trying to keep my balance is really hard. I try all the time esp around others to not fall or stumble. Mainly because it is embarrassing when it happens an because people would prob freak out which would freak me out. Which means more stress. I think in a way I am trying to prove to others that I am fine...tho I am not. .. So I am home now...Stephen is in bed...ash at work..boo...jess doing something...and I am watching flash point. Then bed. Tomorrow I plan on doing a load of laundry, hanging out with Stephen and others maybe, but I do not plan on doing much. But that not much will become a blog post. As it usu does. :-)